Warning: This poem discusses eating disorders.

"Saint Catherine of Siena to Mary-Kate Olsen"
Marty McConnell

what god stole your hunger? who demands this reduction
to vertebrae? it’s a specific treason, a case worth losing,
nobody can hear you with fingers or sticks between your lips,
nobody loves you in the bathroom, everyone’s in the kitchen
again, this is my body, broken for you, take and eat

the appearance of bones is not a miracle of the flesh
(take and eat) what do your visions say? who
marries you in the dream, Christ slipping a ring
on my thin second finger, my shorn hair all over
the floor, gold for gold, I was six when he first
came for me, who insists on this full-body stigmata,

how long have you been paying this penance? are you ready
to die for this? martyrdom’s a pretty notion until you’re nose
to nose with it and nothing to be done, the body rejecting water,
salt, fish, when you realize the devil’s the one who wants
you small, who told you the pus of a cancer was wine, said

sip, swallow, this is my blood, transubstantiation in three
degrees, when you have given your good body to a lie
Mary, when your bones turn to whispers they will bury you
under a stone that did not ask to be a stone, we do not ask
to be but we are and to live, Mary, to swear
on everything holy that these bodies are not vessels

but gifts, that’s the trick, to be an altar and not
another sacrifice, for what are you atoning? who is your
eucharist? I made men believe. brought a condemned man
to faith and caught his severed head in my hands, beguine
or not you have hands, a throat, the world doesn’t need

another dead-thin girl, your suffering is not special, offered up
to magazine covers and lip gloss endorsements, thousands
flocked to confession after I preached in public squares, what
are you winning? my mistake was believing the body
meant nothing, yours the opposite – Mary meaning bitter,
Katherine meaning pure, Christ and I died at 33, anvils

for the world’s beatings, vessels of the world’s sins, glue
your brittled bones into the face of a god who bids you
eat, our bodies broken into bread at your feet, chicory,
water lily, do this for you, rosemary, asphodel, do this
in remembrance of me.


--


i like this poem very much. it is very well written. pinpoints what i always ask: "what are you winning?" and i was thinking about this yesterday, while looking at some fashion advertisements, how the girls are perpetually looking as if they're about to die from starvation. and you have all these big, fashion giants blowing their pictures up, calling them "models". a model for who? how can i strive to be someone who looks like a prisoner of war? with backs so purposely hunched it makes me feel uncomfortable and achey. this breed of exhausted, skinny, lifeless girls with vacant stares is becoming lauded as beautiful, but i must assert while they can be pretty at times, to me there is nothing beautiful about how they are portrayed. i wish miu miu would find girls who have some meat, who have some curves and who can smile, for god's sake. why does the modeling industry have to constantly be in depression? no smiles on the catwalk, straight and cold faces. i only enjoy watching VS fashion shows, because i can't see the vertebrae of the girls, nor are they acting like bitches. they smile and flirt with the crowd and although they are still "skinny" girls, at least they have some life in them. and they're still not as skinny as some others rising to prominence. 


of course this is a very grey area. hard to say for sure what the motivation behind this kind of promotion is. and of course the girls are beautiful in their own right. i am not saying they aren't pretty/beautiful, but i'm saying the way they're being portrayed in advertisements isn't. but my point was, 


this poem was well written. 

excitedddd!!!! Gus & I are gonna go to Brisbane in June :) he has friends at UQ so we can stay with them! accommodation free = $$$ SAVED. and if you're gonna be in Brisbane, you obviously might as well visit Gold Coast, right? which means THEME PARKSSSSSSS YAY!!! super excited. going on a holidayyyy~
I really, really love Gold Coast. I love the beaches, and I love the theme parks, especially the water parks! I'm really really excited, but before all that, I have to get through my... exams... ugh

speaking of which I have a paper due next week, a French test on Friday, two papers due the week after and then the dreaded exams. I'm not entirely sure why I'm sticking it out all the way. my dad kind of convinced me that even if I'm leaving, I should finish what I start. so I'm going to try and do a decent job for my exams, at least try to maintain my cap. i've been slacking the past two days because slacking is so. fun. but now that Gus has fallen asleep on me i suppose it's a good time to start work! gonna allocate half of my time to my sg pols paper and half to studying French. i always think my french is not that bad, and i don't think it is. i understand how sentence structures work and i understand the grammar rules, it's just that i'm so lazy to memorize what can only be memorized. especially masculine & feminine forms :(

tomorrow there is no school but maybe i will go down just to trap myself in the library and make full use of its resources to help my paper. i need help. i'm as unmotivated as a student who just took his last A level paper is to study. THAT BAD.

just came back from tennis. it was longer and more tiring than usual, but fun nonetheless. Gus came with Shaun, then later on a couple more of his friends. so we played round robin doubles! i hope i don't ache tonight, not because i don't wanna be more fit but because it always wakes me up in the middle of my sleep. earlier in the day i was also unfortunately trapped in my car with an aedes mosquito. or anopheles. the one with the black and white striped legs. i remember being confused as to wtf it was because of its legs. it blended into the black dashboard and looked like white dust. and after awhile i realised it was a mosquito - a disease carrying mofo - and freaked out

after tennis we went to eat at old airport road! love that place. so near to the new house!!! people seriously considering weight gain, just go there

currently i'm being paranoid about Gus driving home. i wish there was a camera installed in the car that would let me watch his journey so i don't feel afraid of something happening. was talking to Tammy about it the other day (we have been meeting up) and i said, sometimes i don't see the point of living if in the end everything can be taken away in just a second. what is the point of building up all these experiences only to have them be snatched at any moment. and we didn't come to a conclusion what to think about death, except that we were afraid, we were unconvinced about the certainty of heaven waiting for us (i.e. the possibility of hell welcoming us instead) and if so, then it seems impossible for us to live the lives that will get us into heaven. and if that is so, then what do we do

the other thing i wanted to talk about was Tin Pei Ling. if you all haven't kept up with general elections news, she is the latest PAP candidate to run for marine parade grc. MY GRC. dear god she's only 7 years older than me and wanting to enter parliament, her oh-so-impressive "senior advisory at ernst & young" career less than 10 years under her belt. she has a whole bunch of pictures online where she basically gives some pretty lian poses plus a video on youtube of her stomping her feet & whining. WOW, PAP, you really really really scraped the bottom of the barrel this time. furthermore she's definitely going to be elected because the PAP is for sure going to win marine parade grc. my parents have voted once in their lives living in this area. so some inexperienced ah lian is going to "represent generation Y" in parliament. that is one GRC backdoor, add to it the fact that she is married to Lee Hsien Loong's principal private secretary. SO FAIR AH

she also said this: widening income gap is not the responsibility of the government.

fuck, if it's not their responsibility then what the hell do we need the government for. people don't need a government that is not going to help the poor & needy, who don't even think it's their responsibility. the government is not a separate entity from the people. their actions resound in every aspect of civilian life. how poor some people are in Singapore is truly one of our society's greatest failures and greatest shames. it's something to be embarrassed of you know. perhaps it is not the responsibility of the government to bridge the gap, but they should be responsible for the gap being there in the first place. how can 80 year old women be cleaning toilets and your president, who doesn't do a shit, get paid $4 million? should a government be more concerned with running a country analogous to a company, or be more concerned with helping those who need help?

ANSWERS, PLEASE, TIN PEI LING. show me your skillz

I must do this tactfully so I don't come off as an awful person.

You shouldn't donate to Japan. or at least not yet.

"OMG YOU BITCH YOU'RE AS BAD AS THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAID JAPAN DESERVED THE EARTHQUAKE"

no, I'm not. obviously Japan didn't 'deserve' the earthquake. that was pure stupidity. this is not. see, this afternoon I asked Gus if he was going to donate to Japan, and he said, 'no they don't need it, they're rich'. I was appalled as you are likely to be at this point, and I yelled 'THEY'RE IN DEBT!!!" and while I stood by my convictions on this (especially because I'd already donated) Gus said, every country has debt. doesn't mean they're not rich. which is true, and I thought about it for awhile then told Gus he was right.

I came home, did some research. and this case is all the more true for Japan. see, not only is it the world's third biggest economy, it also is the world's most prepared for dealing with natural disasters and their aftermaths. meaning that it has resources financially, as well as in terms of rebuilding and rehabilitating the destruction. of course, we can't assume on that alone that Japan doesn't need help. except for that the fact that they pretty much said it. the Japanese government has not come forward to seek financial help from the rest of the world and has been extremely specific in their aid requests: specialized search-and-rescue teams, specialized communications help and specialized medical assistance. things that the average donor like you & I are unable to provide. otherwise, the Japanese government has been quite clear that they don't need help. PLUS, it has been offered help by 91 countries so far, accepting the offer only 15.

so does that really mean that we shouldn't donate? what's wrong with donating? what's wrong is this: you don't know where your money is going. at the moment, donors are pumping in massive amounts that might not even go towards helping relief efforts in the end. it is essentially 'directionless giving' and until there is a clearer picture of the situation, you are better off stashing the money away OR giving it to countries/communities/organizations that really DO need the money. for example, donating to Haiti would probably do more than donating to Japan. why? Haiti was also hit by an earthquake but didn't have the resources to cope with it. they're still rebuilding, but it's a poor place, and if you donate your money to Haiti, you can be pretty sure you're really going to help. donating to local charities might also be more worthwhile of your money, and in the meantime Japan will rebound like they always do.

IF you are bent on donating to Japan, it is probably better to hold out and wait. this article talks about the reasons why. basically it's better to give the government time to assess the real needs of the disaster and then you can know for sure what your money is going to help. by giving to the red cross and other fairly generic and ambiguous organizations that support 'relief efforts', you're not going to know for sure that your money will end up helping people.

for example, if in a month or so when the situation has been better analyzed and it turns out there is a significant number of orphans who have been left without parents because of the tsunami, and there is a lack of orphanages to support them OR there is a lack of funds to help these orphanages deal with them, then you can donate directly to these orphanages, or through an official organization that helps them. this would be more useful and helpful than giving without direction. and, if in a month, the government comes forward to say they need money for rebuilding efforts, then by all means go ahead and donate.

so once again, I'm not being a bitch. of course if you have given I praise and admire your compassion and generosity, but if you haven't and are planning to, maybe think about it for a second. I have no doubts everyone who wishes to donate has the purest of intentions in their hearts, but I think it is important to also be sure that your money is going to be put to good use and that you want your money to be maximized in how it's going to help someone. good articles to read about this are here and here.

ALSO if you want another good way to use your money, you can hire an ah long to go and rape that Samantha girl on 91.3fm who said that "heartlanders shouldn't go to holland village" because they are "uncultured". is she a fucking retard or something?

honestly it's extremely childish. this girl obviously has no sense of consideration nor respect for other people, especially those who might not be as fortunate as her to get to live in holland village. she has completely baseless arguments with gigantic loopholes, she can't find the simplest sound premise to any of her arguments. she's clearly uneducated, uninformed and her attempt to slang is distorting her words she sounds awfully fake. "cultured" people don't air their inconsequential and baseless grievances on air. and if she were smart, she wouldn't go on air and insult a demographic that is THE MAJORITY OF SINGAPORE

furthermore, she insulted people in bedok, who live in the HDBs, and eat food at block 85. someone argued back, "we earn income and we want to go to holland village to eat good food, just like we would go to bedok. what's wrong with that?" and this airhead of an excuse of a human being said that the food prices in bedok & holland village are extremely different, so do heartlanders even earn enough to go to holland village and buy the food there. HONESTLY?! are you that daft? are you THAT dumb? you think just because people stay in heartlands they're so fucking poor they can't afford to eat Thai Express (WHICH btw charges standard prices at all outlets) at Holland V? I suppose she thinks she's all high-and-mighty because she's rich enough to frequent some pretentious bar called 2pm or some fucking crap like that.

as much as I want to punch the lights out of her and possibly threaten her life, I also feel that she's a product and a bad egg of Singapore's silver spoon problem. too much excesses, no fight in life, no struggle. only getting what she wants all the time, being a spoilt brat, having self-entitlement issues. of course not everyone in Singapore is like this. she just happens to be one of those that went wrong. like an egg that fell out of an egg tray, then got put back and sold. an unfortunate incident for the rest of us who have to tolerate her among our "uncultured", "uneducated", "slippers and t-shirt" midst. Samantha from Holland V, you better only be wearing super branded long gowns and full make-up and high heels. if I ever catch you in slippers I'll punch you  

on a last note,
to be cultured also means to be respectful and considerate of the people around you, no matter where they come from. so OBVIOUSLY, you =/= cultured. maybe you should stop going to holland V.

I want to know where my energy is being spent on useless things. things I am reading, things I am putting effort into. which of these is actually serving me no purpose? and then I want to stop doing these things.

another thing. recently I've been very grateful that I'm Asian. that is not to come right out and say that Asians > Whites (that is for you to make your own judgement hahahaha judge carefully) but that I'm simply thankful for the things I've been fortunate enough to receive by virtue of being an Asian. to be honest I used to hate being Asian and I always wished I was white, but now I'm really over that... I like being Asian and so I thank God for that

embrace your heritage guys.

yes I am going through a period of self-rejuvenation and cleansing

recently there's been the sprouting up of several short clips shown on tv, hailing the Japanese for their bravery and resolution during this hard time, and about how we support them. I just read that the death toll just surpassed 27, 000. and all the clips show these awfully sad images that you already see in the papers everyday, old Japanese people being carried on backs of rescue workers, a woman crying amidst debris, a packed school gymnasium of evacuees and the homeless... today what touched me when I watched those clips again was seeing the people who were tirelessly moving back and forth, carrying people, giving supplies, medical help, clearing debris.

and I thought, this is a person ideal that is worth aspiring to be. someone whose sole purpose in life is to rush to someone else's aid and do what they can to help. and honestly these people do the most noble, most sacrificial jobs... I would like to be a rescue worker when I grow up I think

there is nothing very big that I can do now except pray and give money. so today I messaged 'REDCROSS' several times to 75772 to make a donation to the Singapore Red Cross for their relief efforts in Japan.

good and bad news pouring out of the land of the rising sun... radioactive contamination of Tokyo's tap water, smoke rising from several reactors in Fukushima, but overall stabilizing of the situation.

God is good, I will hold onto the truth of that. 6.8 earthquake in Myanmar just happened. if I were still in Myanmar it wouldn't have affected Yangon, but I just thought about one of Gus's good friends who still lives there. he lives nearer to the Shan state, nearer to the China border which is where the epicentre of the earthquake is near. am praying that nothing is wrong because he was such a nice guy. he made the funniest jokes using actions because he didn't speak English well, which I thought was a huge achievement that his humor crossed language boundaries. I liked him a lot.

also, CNN asked for people to send in reports if they were affected by the Myanmar earthquake. I don't think they will receive much since almost no one in Burma is allowed to watch CNN -.-

hi guys today I am chilling at the new house alone, doing my essay. the dining table came today so I have somewhere to do my work, as well as the chairs... bought my lunch just now from old airport road, chicken rice. as you can see the new house is really open and sunny and that's why I like it. I came here because I thought there would be no distractions, but I was wrong. I flipped open my laptop and it hooked onto the wifi of some family who didn't lock their wifi nearby. HEHE free wifi, Gus said don't get caught but I don't know how that would happen... but I should log off soon just to be safe. 

in my hands I am holding 95 pages of readings on neo-corporatism in Europe, which I should complete before I even begin attempting to churn out some C-grade quality argument. wish me luck! 

so the past few days I have been sick. sitting at home. not sitting, sorry. lying down for the most part. my tummy chills out when I'm in a supine position so that's how you'll find me nowadays. lying in bed, which means I spend a lot of time either 1) sleeping or 2) online. I also have an essay due on Friday which I haven't started because I spend half my time forcing myself not to hurl, and my body aches. I know it doesn't have a link as to why I can't start on my essay, shut up

Gus has been coming over to take care of me. I applaud him, he's seen my face for 7 days straight and still he carries on this string of days where he must tolerate the look of my hideous face. haha. okay anyway! I realized I haven't watched a lot of classic Asian movies, which actually look pretty damn good! I waste my time watching pointless movies by Jack Neo haha.

but yeah, these are movies I haven't caught but hope to someday:

curse of the golden flower, directed by zhang yimou (which has my favourite chinese song ever, ironically introduced by Gus. jay chou, don't judge)
house of flying daggers, directed by zhang yimou
hero, directed by zhang yimou
together, directed by chen kaige
crouching tiger, hidden dragon, directed by ang lee
days of being wild, directed by wong kar wai
nobody knows, directed by hirokazu koreeda

I KNOW I haven't seen so many films. I think my favourite Asian movies so far (that I've managed to watch) are: Red Cliff and Hua Mulan HAHAHA don't judge me. I liked Hua Mulan (the "real" version not the cartoon -.-)

okay gonna find these movies now bye

so I am down with a disease that requires me to visit the loo every 15 minutes. went to the doctor and he explained to me how bacteria is having a party in my intestines and eating away at my intestine walls (or something). I told him about how I puke out everything I eat. sometimes when I don't have to puke, the discomfort gets so unbearable I stick my finger down my throat and force myself to puke so that the pressure is alleviated. I think I have lost another 3 kg which is awful, I think I look so gaunt now it's reminiscent of a prisoner of war. got an MC for tomorrow. the rate things are going, I don't think I will make it to school tomorrow. which means I've missed a week of classes & am going to lag super far behind. but I think I'll be okay... hopefully... schedule some consults... fuck

in the afternoon we drove to the new house to swim. the weather got a little cloudy and it started to drizzle, but it didn't matter. it was fun. it's quite funny, in the new house there is no furniture except a mahjong table and a couple of stools that we brought. we can't move in yet because some renovation has to be done first, so in the meantime the family goes there and sits around the table eating keropok and drinking san pellegrino. we also brought some mats and pillows so we can take naps on the floor! we took a nap today and Gus's snores reverberated off the walls. it's really fun. the TV we ordered also arrived at the new house, so we can watch TV, and now that the pool has been chlorinated and cleaned, we can swim :)

just reviewed the stuff I missed for French... pretty screwed basically. going to fill out my planner with all the things I have to do tomorrow to catch up. and then sleep. this stomach thing is making me so weak and this medicine is knocking me out like freakin' sleeping pills

Hate racist fucks like these people. fucking no awareness, completely ignorant, so inconsiderate. "...all deep into my political science notes and theories and stuff..." if you studied political science you would know that half of the world's problems stem from retarded and completely unjustified discrimination against others. fucking hate white superiority complexes. I don't hate all white people. I hate white people who hate asian people. grow the fuck up

BACK FROM BURMA!!!!!

it's been super fun, and I can't even begin to explain how desperately I want to give justice in describing my time there. there's a lot to say, a lot a lot. and lots of pictures to show! taken by Gus. okay but overall, it was just a really enjoyable, meaningful trip. I think I will attempt to cover it over the next few days, I'm quite tired now.

a bad point thought: I LOST MY ITOUCH :( yes the one I just got recently :( you see I was down with food poisoning, and so in the cab I was knocked out from the medicine I was taking, and it must've slipped out of my bag/pocket/i forgot where and I didn't notice! SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF >:(

and yeah I fell sick :( food poisoning, so I was puking and puking. and I didn't eat, so there was nothing to puke... so I puked bile. I HATE THAT TASTE! anyway yeah it was pretty bad, and then the day after, Gus came down with some stomach issues too.

OKAY otherwise I am extremely, extremely screwed for school. I have no MC to cover any of my absences and no valid reasons to offer. Haha. although to be completely honest, I don't regret it at all. I'm super glad I went on this trip, and I'm super blessed that God has let me go and experience these things. it's good to be back though! tomorrow I will rest and re-integrate into my life here before embarking on the struggle for the next few weeks: 5 essays and 5 exams coming up. gg?

HI GUYS

two days in Burma so far. I can't exactly describe how it's been because I want to supplement it with lots of pictures, nice ones that Gus took! but I can say that I'm having lots of fun with Gus & his family. his dad is from here so he has lots of relatives that we go to visit, which means I'm not having a typical tourist experience and I think it is for the better. we've also been eating A LOT of unhealthy food. in Burma if the food is not super sweet, it's super oily :( I'm going to make my return as a ball of lard

ANYWAY this is costing us money to be online, so... tomorrow we're going to shwedagon pagoda, and I think it'll be really fun. BYE

I need to tell God something

dear God,
while I believe You are the creator of this universe and are all powerful, omnipresent and the most benevolent God, sometimes I just don't understand You.

http://edition.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/world/2011/03/11/sot.tsunami.hit.japan.cnn.html

an earthquake that measured 8.9 on the richter scale hit off the coast of Japan yesterday
tsunami warning issued
today: 10m high tsunami crashed into Japan
power outage in 4 million houses in Tokyo

if there is anything that can be completely ruthless and merciless in its killing, it's a natural disaster. super sad, Japan is the nicest country I have ever been to. I hope everybody is alright and that Naoto Kan will man up to support his country in this time of need. and people who are making fun of it, like "oh no where is godzilla" SHUT THE FUCK UP this isn't funny

SO after watching american idol, Gus & I lay in bed and we fell asleep. or I fell asleep. he had to leave soon and I was supposed to fetch him, but he kissed me on the forehead and said it was okay because I was tired, then let himself out. last night after we devoured a huge meal of pepperoni's pizza + ice cream from island, I fell asleep in the car when we were supposed to go back to his place, but he sent me home instead. I am so fortunate. in times like these I get really depressed thinking about leaving, thinking about not being able to so tangibly see how much he loves me and cares for me. thinking about how everything about him to me will no longer be touch or smell, but how everything about him will become pixelated and laggy and unclear. in times like these I doubt my decision but I must push through. a lot of people tell me, "but NUS is a good school what. see the rankings" and after looking at the rankings I become disinclined to believe anything about them. all of the rankings say different things about different schools. why must I believe any particular one? although I do acknowledge that NUS is a really good school, I think rankings do not credit any university any sort of leverage over another

tomorrow will be a good day I think. after school ends at 2pm we are headed to the new house for a swim!!! no furniture in there or anything, but the pool's alright and we're gonna spend the day there doing nothing. seems pretty fun. then on Saturday morning at 7am I am getting on an airplane and headed to Burma for a week! I haven't even packed yet. we are carrying only carry-ons because all our luggage weight has been taken up for the clothes to be donated. Gus and I are going to wear the clothes we want to donate, so that by the end of the trip we won't be bringing anything back.

in the meanwhile I have started on We by Yegnevy Zamyatin. this is the work that inspired George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four. it is quite different from Orwell in that the protagonist is completely and irrevocably in awe of the One State. when I am done with it I will talk about it a little bit more

[edit]

OMG I'm damn pissed. just now I ordered macs. normally it's a young guy riding a bike coming to deliver the stuff right? today it took unusually long and I was about to complain for having to wait so long. but when the guy arrived, I went outside to take the food, and it was a damn old chinese man riding the bike. he looked damn small carrying the huge, square bag with the food PLUS it was raining. this man was old okay, like he could be my grandfather. he was fit of course, but STILL OLD. he was struggling to open the bag that he had to carry, fumbling with the zips and stuff so I had to help him. not only that, he couldn't read the receipt and had to ask me to help him read it.

do I sound like I am complaining cos he is damn old? trust me, I am not. I FELT SO BAD. like I felt angry with myself for ordering macs, because I made this old man drive down to my house in the rain to satisfy my hunger. not only that, but: FUCK YOU MACS. no fucking worker welfare. I understand he has to do the job he is assigned but IF IT'S RAINING, THE ROADS ARE SLIPPERY AND IT'S DARK OUT, CAN YOU BE MORE COMPASSIONATE? this is something I talked to Gus about the other day. I said, do you think it's fair that a lot of old people have to do such shitty jobs, like cleaning and petrol station attendants? and he said, if they don't do that they have no jobs and no income. BUT THERE MUST BE A BALANCE, RIGHT? I don't know. does the government do enough to help these people? CPF, yes. but how is it possible that while you're driving down the street there is an old man sweating and pushing a huge cart of cardboard crap for god-knows-what reason in a fairly developed country like Singapore? I know retraining and upgrading of skills is promoted for these old people, but some people are simply too old to have these things be effective for them.

and the other question is, WHERE ARE THEIR KIDS? where are those fuckers? I fucking hate people who grow up to abandon their parents and leave them to fend for themselves. FUCK YOU ungrateful bastards, H8 H8 H8. there must be a balance here, I don't know enough to be able to see if that line has been drawn or blurred or never drawn, etc. but there really must be a proper balance...

night ruined by social cleavage of singaporean society

[/edit]

they say that there's a broken light for every heart on broadway
they say that life's a game and then they take the board away
they give you masks and costumes and an outline of the story
then leave you all to improvise their vicious cabaret

in no longer pretty cities there are fingers in the kitties
there are warrants, forms and chitties and a jackboot on the stair
there's sex and death and human grime in monochrome for one thin dime
and at least the trains all run on time but they don't go anywhere
facing their responsibilities either on their backs or on their knees
there are ladies who just simply freeze and dare not turn away
and the widows who refuse to cry will be dressed in garter and bow-tie
and be taught to kick their legs up high in this vicious cabaret

at last the 1998 show! the ballet on the burning stage
the documentary seen upon the fractured screen
the dreadful poem scrawled upon the crumpled page
there's a policeman with an honest soul that has seen whose head is on the pole
and he grunts and fills his briar bowl with a feeling of unease
then he briskly frisks the torn remains for a fingerprint or crimson stains
and endeavours to ignore the chains that he walks in to his knees 
while his master in the dark nearby inspects the hands with brutal eye
that have never brushed a lover's thigh but have squeezed a nation's throat
and he hungers in his secret dreams for the harsh embrace of cruel machines
but this lover is not what she seems and she will not leave a note

at last the 1998 show! the situation tragedy!
grand opera slick with soap! cliff-hangers with no hope!

the water-colour in the flooded gallery

there's a girl who'll push but will not shove and she's desperate for her father's love
she believes the hand beneath the glove may be the one she needs to hold
though she doubts her host's moralities she decides that she is more at ease
in the land of doing-as-you-please than outside in the cold
but the backdrops peel and the sets give way and the cast gets eaten by the play 
there's a murderer at the matinee, there are dead men in the aisles 
and the patrons and the actors too are uncertain if the show is through
and with sidelong looks await their cue but the frozen mask just smiles 

at last the 1998 show! the torch-song no one ever sings!
the curfew chorus line! the comedy divine!
the bulging eyes of puppets, strangled by their strings!
there's thrills and chils and girls galore there's sing-songs and surprises!
there's something here for everyone, reserve your seat today!
there's mischiefs and malarkies or yids or darkies
within this bastard's carnival, this vicious cabaret

- V for Vendetta (graphic novel) 

so this morning when my alarm rang at 6.15 I did not want to wake up for French class at 8am because I was too tired. which made it the third time I've missed my 8am class. I think my lecturer has recognized the pattern and will be speaking to me soon. I have already concocted a story: "I am always up late on Monday nights engaging in very important activities that involve gallivanting around places as a voluntary contribution to helping improve the image of Singapore's currently dull nightlife" (by this I mean I go to parkway parade and buy old chang kee)

I am okay with being alone, doing things alone, in private, in public... I used to be preoccupied with not eating alone because I thought people would think I was a loser. but after being forced to do it almost everyday in the most packed canteen in Singapore I don't really care anymore. people who want to say shit, I will not bother to be bothered by their opinions because bitchy people like that aren't worth it.

it is okay to be alone.

9pm. in the afternoon I went to kinokuniya and spent the last of my vouchers. I bought two books. V for Vendetta the graphic novel and We by Yegnevy Zamyatin. the first one I've read before, when I borrowed it from the national library. I like it very much and so I wanted to own it. I started reading it again on the way home. I also hope Gus will read it because it is brilliant. We by Yegnevy Zamyatin is a dystopian novel I've been wanting to read for awhile, highly recommended by... George Orwell haha so I am excited about them, but I'm forcing myself to finish my reading on Policy Entrepreneurs before touching either of the two. so I am going to take a nice shower and get started

feel like I need to go to Parkway. things I need to buy/do:

stationery
tampons
deposit $

that's a pretty valid reason right? YES IT IS I WILL LEAVE NOW

A level results came out today! makes me think back on the day I got my results. being called up on stage gave me the false impression that I had done really, really well. do I regret anything now... yes of course, I should've studied harder. should've been more focused. but no point crying over spilt milk, although I scraped through quite alright considering the amount of effort I put in. that was really God's grace written all over it. He blessed me when I shouldn't have been and for that (as well as for O's) I am eternally grateful

checked in with some of the people I know getting results day. congrats to those who did really well! and to those who feel like life has ended... it will feel this way for awhile but things get better, I promise

speaking of not-so-good results I think today's French test went reasonably disastrous ie. will probably fail. could not make out the numbers: quatorze-a;oeiwavoe;ritj could not remember if a bus was feminine or masculine, wrote an imaginary dialogue between two people who sounded like they were socially retarded. after which I met Bert & Jx for fries at Burger King. I chomped on my fries happily looking at the time on my iPhone (bb died :( ) 11:49am. I said, "okay la, I got class at 12 that's all." and Bert looked at my iPhone and said, "you know it's not 11:49 right. it's 11:57."  I yelled WHAT and ran off. sian my fries. had a quiz on decommodification. I like welfare states, give my love to social democratic welfare states <3

if I migrate I think I will move to a Nordic country I swear those guys have the best everything - highest level of freedom of speech, percentage of women in workforce, level of democracy, highest decommodification... wow. anyway I was thinking about what I want to do from now until Bristol in October, and my dad suggested I go stay somewhere for a month or so doing whatever just to get a feel of independence... and he said Paris. and I thought NO so scary me alone in Paris non-campus I'll die. but then I started to look at rooms to rent and dear god... everything looks amazing. everything on tumblr is taken in Paris, I swear. like I've been to Paris but as a in completeness and totality as a tourist, meaning I do the works - hotels, champs-elysee, arc du triumph, galerie lafayette, louvre, etc. I've never explored the urban insides of Paris. the residential streets, the quaint houses or the little streets people bike down everyday. or walked alongside the river seine or eaten in really local cafes and restaurants. if I stayed there I'd get to do all of those things, and the rooms available for rent are so charming!!! I mean like huge windows with the sunlight pouring in, huge double bed and awesome views... I'm so taken in and yet I feel like I must be cautious. confused

12.16am I am sleepy because I have been sleeping early but tonight idc because tomorrow is saturday. also there is a mosquito in the room. if I don't kill it soon IT WILL KILL ME

un peu de conjugasions

l'infinitif: savoir (to know) 
je sais 
tu sais
vous savez
il/elle sait
nous savons
ils/elles sont 


l'infinitif: avoir (to have)
j' ai 
tu as 
vous avez
il/elle a 
nous avons 
ils/elles ont 


l'infinitif: aller (to go)
je vais 
tu vais 
vous allez 
il/elle va 
nous allons 
ils/elles vont


l'infinitif: faire (to do) 
je fais 
tu fais
vous faites
il/elle fait
nous faisons
ils/elles font 


also I would like to show everyone how I disturb my sister on facebook:

hahahahaahahahahahahahahaha it is so fun

today mcdonald's has a 1-for-1 deal for their new teriyaki chicken mcgrill. I want to try it but Gus does not want one which would waste the 1-for-1. sad

tomorrow I have a French midterm which I am a little scared for... memorizing the masculine or feminine nature of the words is tough, conjugation is tougher and the little rules that have exceptions are the toughest. for example, I could say il est etudiant because there is only one descriptive word, but I must say c'est une bonne etudiante because there are two descriptive words and there a million things and rules like that are getting all befuddled in my brain. but I like French I want to do well, hopefully. I wish I could say 'yeah I'm bilingual' and not feel like I'm cheating the other person. I hardly doubt my chinese now goes beyond anything purely conversational

Gus is on the way over we are going to watch V for Vendetta ~EXCITING~ Gus has never watched it before so I really want him to. the rain outside is too heavy, it is pregnant with sadness and I just want it to stop

what is annoying about school is the number of readings that have piled up. even for a person like who engages in selective reading (haha) I still feel overwhelmed. literally, each module (and I take 5) has about 4-5 compulsory readings each week. each reading is about 15-20 pages long. that is almost 500 pages of pretty dry stuff to slog through each week. and what this effectively does is take away all the time from reading other things I would like to read. for example, the last book I picked up and left halfway because school started, as well as LKY's book. which makes me feel angry, because I paid good money for those books and now I don't find the time to read them.

so after the disastrous midterm that has finally passed, with only French left to fret over on Friday, I will sink into my pillow tonight and read whatever I want to read.

someone tell me, how does one find the time to balance between reading for leisure and reading for school? I don't want to feel guilty about reading my books... I still want to finish my dystopian list, and add the works of Voltaire and Victor Hugo to it.

sucks I want to quit uni and spend my life reading