Today I went to school and met some new people. we are going to be Russia's defence ministry for our class simulation exercise of the six party talks, although after reading up on it, I think all other countries besides the US and North Korea (ie South Korea, Japan, Russia and China) are relatively irrelevant. Relatively. So... I think much of it will actually be spent listening to US and NK battle it out

Otherwise, the situation in Egypt is escalating to quite worrying proportions. The US embassy has chartered flights for American citizens to leave, while many Egyptians and other tourists desperate for a flight out have jammed up the operations of commercial airlines. Lots of looting, some destruction at the Egyptian museum, over 100 deaths, police cars and headquarters, as well as that of the government's have been set alight. The police force have withdrawn, creating a security vacuum which the locals have stepped in to fill. They argue that the government is allowing anarchy to reign so that the people will ask for the government to return, to reinstate stability. So they must make sure it doesn't reach such a point by taking security into their own hands. Despite the presence of the army, protestors are not mollified because they see the army as a backing rather than an opposing force... and Mubarak's still chillin' his 82-year-old self out, seated a new cabinet, like 'HEY HEY HEY this what chu want fools' that basically did NOTHING to please protestors, who probably replied with a huge 'FCK NO BITCH'  

Only a matter of time, or...?

Funny huh. You read about these things but you feel so completely distant from it. It's honestly a good measure of how safe we are here. It's practically nothing you can even relate to a little bit. You can't sense the fear, nor the passion, nor the anger, nor the tension. I wouldn't put it down to a distance issue, but rather the fact that we are cushioned on all sides by the silver spoon. Although Singapore has its own issues to deal with, if you just set aside problems with the PAP or with the culture or ANYTHING for that matter, and just look at your life as a Singaporean -- sitting in a bed, under a roof, eating ice cream and crying because Torres is leaving Liverpool -- you're pretty damn blessed

Things to do soon:
+ buy cranberry juice to drink everyday
+ figure out what the last three lects on foreign diplomacy was about
+ compile French notes
+ print a frickin huge pile of notes
+ bring car for servicing

I ate Burger King today. Have been on quite a successful fried food diet, so today will be that 'once in awhile' moment. I have given up on the idea that exercise does ANYTHING to help you lose weight -- it is overrated and inaccurate. In my two years of playing soccer three to four times a week, I put on more weight and looked bigger than I have in my entire life. Once training stopped I lost 5 kg so YEAH sports is for fun ONLY

last night we skipped to Butter Factory to paint the town red... some people painted the floor with puke. opened a bottle of Belvedere and finished it by 1230am. does that take long? there was only four of us girls, and two guys later on. whatever it is, I was pretty buzzed hahaha so was everyone else. a lot of laughing going on. we bounced around between bump and fash because the music wasn't bad on either side... I don't need like 'OMG this is such fcking good music' I just need something to dance to! which both sides had so I didn't mind either. my brother was so caring and annoying, he was at fash with his friends but he kept messaging me to ask where I was so he could check on me hahahahaha but when I went to find him at fash, Nicole just gave me another drink LOL

anyway Gus was there too and although I started out more high than him, eventually he hit that bit where you just can't walk on your own anymore. and sooooo the night ended early for us at 3+, I stumbled into a cab with him and brought him home. I was better by then so I had to help him up and stuff, I WAS STRUGGLING!!! he's like a baby when he's high, damn cute. he held onto the railings outside his house, at the corridor while I opened the gate and the door, then when I turned around, he had managed to puke a little bit down his shirt. I totally laughed it was so funny cos his face was so confused.

okay yeah I don't feel too good now but I don't regret also because it's good training for my tolerance! when I go to Bristol I think drinking will come a lot more frequently. not because I want to, but because I think it's just the socially accepted norm and activity. even if they're not in the clubs, they're in the bars and stuff...

in other news, I finally got 'Hard Truths to Keep Singapore Going'! I've been wanting to read it for a long time... since last friday. haha. I read some reviews, they said they were 'neither new nor hard truths' which makes me sad. but I'm going to read it anyway... after this headache wears off

goodbye

obviously besotted with iTouch photography apps *.* a godsend for people like me who have no inclination towards photography as an art. it's like I'll take a picture and go "OOOOH so vintage" *happy*

Gus has started working so this is what he wears everyday. since yesterday he migrated from long-sleeved shirts to short-sleeved shirts because it started to get too hot for him. now he looks like he drives a taxi. it's very cute, I like taxi uncles that are cute 

otherwise I feel like I really need to start engaging my brain more... need to stop allowing myself to drift and diverge off trains of thought. I think it's pretty important: if you train your brain to be on task all the time, you train your ability to quickly focus on something and stay on point. so if I'm thinking about how a lecture was this thing or that thing, I have to complete my thought about it, and not randomly think about what to eat or what to wear tomorrow. 

french at 10am, european politics at 12pm. tuition at 2.30 at starbucks. two hours spent in a starbucks? brings me back to A level days... more than two hours of course... then cny shopping with my mom and my sister at Vivo :) haven't bought anything for cny yet! I am a big fan of new-everything-for-cny because that means I get all new things and my mom will pay for it. who wouldn't like it!!! but yes, then maybe Butter at night for some good, clean fun dancing with friends. long day, time to sleep 

feels like there is this constant motion of change. big change. swirls of change whipping my hair across my face. I turn in the other direction to try and reverse it. nothing happens.

went to see the new house with my family yesterday. the house is 6 years old. the current family living there is moving back to Australia. imagine how many memories that house holds, and it's still beautiful. I took pictures of my room and was pleased with its dimensions because there's more space than I thought. when I leave I want to have two rooms, one here and one there that I can feel comfortable and loved in. difficult, but I think it'll take a lot more than 'wanting'. to have a room feel homely to a person there must be that sense of connectedness with the people who walk in and walk out of it. everyday I log onto thestudentroom and I look at the forums, see people who got into the same course as me, smile and think, maybe maybe maybe we'll be good friends and he/she can walk in and out of my dorm room (someone on TSR said "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THEY'RE NOT DORMS, THEY'RE HALLS OF RESIDENCES!!! WE'RE NOT IN THE U.S.!!!") and make it feel like home

can't wait to leave, but a million things to resolve before I go. feels like there's an endless buzzing in my head, a thousand voices yelling out problems that are unsolved, things that could go wrong, 'whether-or-not's. can't stand it, wish I could leave in peace

lately I have been struggling with making myself more apparent to the rest of the world. I have been feeling frustrated with becoming a little bit of a wallflower, of being forgotten by teachers, of walking around like a ghost to other people. my idea is that I must be more outspoken, have more controversial ideas, suggest more outrageous things that will make people go, 'wow this girl is really different' because to me there are no perks to being a wallflower. nobody is going to succeed that way. nobody remembers you and that is detrimental to one's future.

and I've been thinking that for a long time, striving to make people remember my name, my face. but I'm slowly coming to realise that that's a very materialistic, extremely human way of looking at things. it is foolish in ideology, desperate in methodology and most of all, selfish in nature. I came across this quote that struck me as the proper way to doing things:

Don't try to be different.  Just be good.  To be good is different enough.

- Arthur Freed

I will try to live by that.

can't wait to read LKY's new book. it's freaking long, like 430+ pages but I want to read it. I wonder if he's being as honest as he can be, because truth is you'll never know if he's still hiding some things. but it's called 'hard truths' I guess I really just want to read some truths. ALTHOUGH, I don't know why they got all Singaporean, straits times journalists to do the interviews... sigh they should have gotten a mix! if you're a Singaporean, you're probably scared. foreign journalists might have been more hard-hitting, less afraid of asking the taboo, all this with no apologies. and straits times journalists... aren't they really just the mouthpiece of the PAP anyway... the more I think about it the less I feel the book will have some real truths

but also, I just read a quote via TOC, it was in one of the comments:

We all respect the Nobel Peace Prize. Most winners deserve the prizes they get. Nobel Prizes by and large reflect the western world view. The winners in Asia are never leaders who brought great change. The man that did more good than anyone was Deng Xiaoping. When he came to power 800 million people were living on less than one dollar a day. Thirty years later on after the results of his reforms, 200 million lived on less than one dollar a day. Six hundred million people were lifted out of poverty.

Will he ever get a Nobel Peace Prize? Never. Because of the western world view that the prize must be given to dissidents in Asia. Aung San Suu Kyii. The former leader of Korea. What has Obama brought? Where is the peace in Iraq? In Afghanistan? How can you give him a Nobel Peace Prize? He is a wonderful guy but he has achieved nothing. Deng Xiaoping saved 600 million people and he will never get a Nobel Peace Prize. That’s why it is important to step outside the western world view.

said by Kishore Mahbubuani, Dean of NUS' LKY School of Public Policy. like WOW that is just... I don't even know. unfair? although Deng Xiaoping has done wondrous things for China, how can you award the Nobel PEACE Prize to someone responsible for the Tiananmen massacre? what it is is a fear of disrupting the holy alliance with China, but to dispute even Aung San Suu Kyi's prize is insanity. the problem is that we are so small that we cannot afford to tread the toes of pretty much ANYONE. I wonder if LKY talks about Aung San Suu Kyi in the book. would it be shocking if he didn't approve of her? probably not

feel like I am finally settling into a good block of learning. I went for French and enjoyed myself. I went for European politics, sat nearer to the front and paid attention. learnt new things and it feels good. that's how I want to always feel when I sit in a lecture, like I am absorbing, like I don't want to constantly rush out of there just to feel like my time isn't being wasted (*SEA studies*). so that's good. I like our French lecturer a lot, today he said when you learn a new language, you aren't merely learning syntax - it is learning a whole new culture, a whole new world, and that's what makes language beautiful. he's a stickler for originality - cheese with French names MUST be from France or they will taste like shit, same goes with fake wine from Australia bearing Italy's flag.

also, eau de vie literally translates into 'water of life', but in French it means pure alcohol. HAH wow

at night I met Gus and we went to eat super good dimsum at Jalan Besar. I ate so much I was close to puking. then he sent me home and we lay in bed. I told him about all the thoughts I'd been having, all the feelings of inferiority, all the concerns that had been plaguing me so badly the past few days. I told him about incidents that made me really upset. he was quiet while I spoke on and on. when I finished telling him about how inadequate I feel in school, or in general, he said simply "you know none of that is true." while it doesn't exactly suffice in quelling my emotions, it is a reassuring thing to say, that at least ONE person, one person who matters, doesn't think I am a failure

and ever since I could drive, I've realised why children reaching the legal age to drive is such a worry. when Gus drives off every night I cannot be at peace until he tells me he's home. I want to bombard him with messages telling him to drive safely, but I don't want him to be distracted while he drives. someone like Gus makes me worry that much, imagine how much more your own child would worry you.

things to happen soon:
1. lecture by thomas friedman on monday
2. cny
3. valentine's day
4. eagles concert
5. hopefully get selected to go watch the parliamentary budget debate

is there a term for constantly feeling not good (umbrella term for everything to do with looks, intellect, personality, etc) enough for all the people who bother enough to love and care for you

on one hand, I really, really can't wait to go to Bristol. on the other hand, classes in NUS are shaping up nicely, and my whole family is here, as well as my friends. so leaving really will be bittersweet, but I know I must leave. this is not an indecision incident, this is a reflection. not the first goodbye I will say, I am sure, but I want to leave and be brimming with anticipation for what is to come. optimism and positivity go a long way. if you keep allowing yourself to speak the words that define your situation as a sad and lonely one, then it shall be. I don't want to be like that.

Gus and I have been playing lots of tennis. although I've never felt my muscles ache so I think we aren't really playing that hard. we just like to rally, just hitting the ball consecutively is fun enough.

this afternoon I had my Singapore politics lecture, and it was SO FUN. I don't even know why, I liked it so much. I think because it's an area I'm interested in, put a lot of thought into before... although I have to tell myself to keep questioning everything, because I feel like education is one of the tools of propaganda, though at a university level I don't know if they still bother. perhaps not, or perhaps their propaganda philosophy is this: if I let people discuss and think about things, 'dissent' in a classroom, they will be convinced that the government does not enforce an overbearing, totalitarian-like rule with no room for dissent, although out of university, that is mostly more than true. so I vacillate between what the class really means to me as a citizen. weird? but anyway it was so fun. these are my favourite classes:

1. french
2. singapore politics
3. european politics

FUN. I like. I was so confused when some people left halfway, I was thinking "WHY ARE YOU LEAVING THIS IS AWESOME" but. I dunno. Haha. just so people don't think I'm being brainwashed mostly, the class isn't a completely PAP-favoured class. it is university after all. no, it does discuss the various degrees of democratic practice Singapore enforces, goes through our electoral system, what is fair what is not fair, etc. it isn't constantly "PAP IS GOOD. PAP IS RIGHT. WITHOUT PAP YOU WILL DIE" kind of stuff, thankfully

this morning I went for French. today's lecturer was a different man. last week's was a replacement. when someone came late and blamed the traffic jam at clementi, he looked at him in disbelief and said "do you know where I come from?" and someone said "france" and everyone laughed. he is a French man who speaks Singlish with a French accent. trilingualism is very cool (considering singlish is considered a language).

while we were going through professions, he sneered, "qui est le president stupide, stupide de la France?" and later on he sneered again, "qui est le Premier minstre d'Italie? even more stupide than the French one?" I recalled the article I read yesterday about Berlusconi and his teen sex scandal, but it is unclear whether he is innocent. even then, his mannerisms and demeanor are crude and uncouth, and his professionalism is negligible. honestly, politicians represent their countries on the most exposed and interactive level, so they need to have some proper conduct whenever the curtains are not drawn. skeletons in the closet are definitely a no-no.

after which, our lecturer said something I liked, which was "I love my country very much, but I have no respect for our government." he said that if his government does something stupid, the people come right out and accuse them of being stupid. there is a frankness and candidness that reflects maybe one of the more key ideals of a democracy. instead of clamping down on dissent there should be civil, political discourse. but then again practical, functioning democracy has so many hurdles and traps that it's far from ideal. LKY's new book launches this Friday, I think I am going to get it.

so. I like French... it is the class I look forward to the most. after French I drove down to pick Gus up and dropped him off at Cat High for his interview. he's going to be relief teaching there from now until school starts for him. I slept in the car while he had his interview. I always have this one repetitive dream: it seems lame but it is quite scary -- when I step on the accelerator, the car starts moving backwards, even though my gear is in drive. when I step on the brakes, they do not work. when I step out of the car, it is not my car. it is a trishaw looking vehicle with a plastic rain cover on it, and I think "why doesn't my car look like all the other swifts" at this point I jolt awake and stare around me. thank god my car is normal

after that he came home with me, and took a nap while I used the computer. we spend moments sitting/lying in bed very comfortably. I do my French homework while he plays PvZ on my iTouch. he uses the computer while I read with my head on his shoulder. I like it a lot.

my dad bought me the new iPod touch today!!! SO HAPPY he is the best I told him now that I have it I will Facetime him every day from Bristol and he was very happy to hear that. I know I sound very spoilt but you must also know that I have been using my old iPod for almost 5 years now and it finally gave up on me so it was time.

so after I configured it and (THANKFULLY) managed to transfer all the songs from my old iPod to this one, I opened App Store and my eyes glittered with anticipation. I AM AN APP WHORE I downloaded every freaking thing possible, I'm like on crack, drooling at the mouth downloading whatever looks good. although I didn't download anything that will constantly need internet connection except the essentials (ie facebook, twitter, etc). so I mostly downloaded games and useless things like apps for tracking my expenses (as if that'll work for me) BUT IT IS SO FUN oh gosh app shopping is so... ugh my face is literally like this now: *.*

omg okay now I am going to hole up in my room until I achieve super fcking high scores for all my games then none of my friends can beat them NOT EVEN GUS. I am the Veggie Samurai queen. plus I'm going to make all brand new playlists. I already made one called 'Moptop' and it contains all my favourite Beatles songs. also should I get a cover for it? it is so shiny and new I feel like I must protect it at all costs

BUT HONESTLY,

how much loneliness does it take to kill a person? how much loneliness does one need to be content?

on days like these I feel like I am so afraid of the world and the world couldn't give a shit about me. I'd rather curl up in bed and be alone than walk out of the house and plaster on fake smiles for everyone. if anything sometimes I think I will survive anything being alone. you don't need anyone except God. feels like companionship's value is a myth that I want to bust. it is something I've talked about before, how sometimes I feel like I honestly do not need anyone to go shopping with me, or to have coffee with. sometimes I want to retreat and fade into nothingness. don't you think knowing you've never had friends might be better than knowing that you've lost them

LOL okay I am a sucker for funny Singaporean jokes, meaning jokes that make fun of Singaporeans/jibes at Singaporean culture. I seriously find them super super funny and I'm not sure why??? But I do. Anyway I just came across this 'search' thing on twitter: #onlyinsingapore

it's hella funny cos it's all the funny things unique to Singapore, and I really cracked up when I saw this:

"Racist joke about why Indians cannot hold round things via a non-existent Tamil phrase: yuandebunenah (yuan2 de4 bu4 neng2 na2)"

HAHAHAHAHA SO TRUE oh man... I remember when yuandebunenah was popular. Good ol' days. And this one:

"You still use 'oh yah beh yah som' to choose teams in sports and games"

HAHA YES + open numbers!!! O yah beh yah som bah leh yah roti prata char kway teow!!! YAYYYY I love the Singaporean childhood (aside from all the intense schooling & tuition, etc). the other day when kapas went to Lyanne's house we played PEPSI COLA!!! And did all the pre-requisite things like three steps to spread out, swinging the leg towards the foot and shouting "TESTING ONLY AH!!!" so fun. plus

AND. THIS. IS. SO. TRUE:

"Almost everyone recognizes/knows how to sing the theme song to 'Ai' called 'Wo Meng Ti'"

this song:



skip to 0:50. DAMN FAMILIAR RIGHT?! everyone knows it because there's definitely a mother/aunty/grandmother who watches 'Ai' in the family hahahaha so hilarioussssss omg

I like French. it is my favourite class so far. I wish I had it everyday, then I'd really go to school without complaint. I feel happy when I hear myself pronounce words properly. sometimes the grammar is really quite hard to remember, as well as the masculine and feminine properties of different words... but it is fun, and I really want to be fluent in it. when I go to Bristol I hope I can still take French... then I can go to Paris and let the French make fun of me because je ne parle pas bien le francais 


I walked around Gus' house muttering what I've learnt under my breath because I don't want to forget. our lecturer today was a Singaporean guy, and he switches between French and Singlish hahahaha so funny

but I really like it. I can't say I like european politics yet because it was only an intro, but I think I'd like to learn about left and right wing issues, transitions to democracy... not very interested in the EU. overall I'm glad I managed to attend all my lessons today. it is time for tutorial registration but I'm so lazy I haven't done it, but I think I should get it done asap

I think I am growing up.

I feel like I am constantly learning something new from an interaction I've observed or an exchange I've experienced. whatever it is, people themselves are endless tabloids, fodder for scrutiny and that is what I find myself doing nowadays. defense and escape mechanisms, thoughts that manifest themselves in mannerisms. things people say. this is I suppose, what one calls 'life experience'. when you are 60 or 70, your grandchild will come up to you and complain about something and you will know what he/she is talking about and you will understand why he/she is upset and you will be in the best position to tell her what is the right thing to do

last night I watched the movie 'The Greatest' starring aaron johnson and carey mulligan. for a cast of young stars, pierce brosnan really brought the show down. it wasn't great, least of all the greatest. but I like carey mulligan very much, I think she is my favourite actress.

how do I explain this feeling? I am okay with the way I live now, but I want something else and I want something more

12.04am. I am chewing on chocolate pockys. time to sleep. there is school tomorrow.

drained of school after one day. things that make it horrible:

1. infinite stairs
2. exasperatingly long queues to print notes
3. infinite stairs

as you can see I hate climbing stairs everywhere I go it is so frustrating, as if each lecture wasn't an endeavor enough. actually I quite like the rest of the lectures I have this week: singapore politics, european politics and french. tomorrow I will learn about our 'authoritarian developmental state' aka totalitarian government, and on friday I will learn about the rise and fall of European nation states, as well as how to say 'menage a trois' in the kinkiest way possible, oh yeah

on the phone with Gus just now we signed up for a million tuition assignments. I am saving up for this baby:

I want Gus to get one too so we can video conference more easily when I'm in Bristol. my iPod jack got screwed up. I can't put my earphones in which effectively render the whole iPod USELESS. took it down to the Apple repair centre and they told me they don't do repairs. only replacements at $235 which is too steep, I refuse to pay that for the same iPod I got for $0. so I'd rather save up and get something awesome, like that iTouch it looks amazing. yeah. in italics, even

also Gus pierced his tongue today. I thought I would hate it because I love his good boy look, but that cheekiness with the piercing is really cute and I decided I like his piercing. if my fear of pain was negligible I think I would've walked out of the shop with a tattoo. but alas, my fear of pain makes up about 90% of my existence. the other 10% is a mixture of fats and a startling ability to create awkward situations. selling myself really well here

back to school: reached school at 1pm to buy my french textbook, then went to the library to print notes for foreign policy lecture. met Whang for lunch at 2 with Zhiwei and sat there laughing and talking. I didn't even eat. at 4 I went for lecture and it was as boring as is expected of an introductory lecture. they always cover the usual points:

- what is -insert module-?
- learn to analyze information
- learn to develop valid & sound arguments
- critical thinking

WTF must they repeat this for every module, every semester? omg it's pointless, honestly. I feel like skipping every lecture this week except for french because they will probably all be as batshit boring as today's was.

anyway was reading up about the Tucson tragedy, and the congresswoman who was shot (in the head, through and through), Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, might as well be dead. she'll probably survive but not with a sound mind to wake up to in any case. doctors say they are as optimistic as the case can get. with brain trauma that bad I don't think there's much to be optimistic about. anyway, this article talks about how violence has become so prevalent not only in our culture, but infiltrated public and political discourse. it's pretty true I think, the way that anyone speaks is really peppered with analogies and references to violence. I think about the things I say jokingly as threats to people subconsciously everyday and it's true! you think about it. the one thing people like to repeat again and again to each other: 'I'LL KILL YOU SRSLY' correct? and we get so shocked when someone pulls out a gun and starts shooting. in fact, it's old stuff, but never gets less scary. I think it's reached a point where the next mass shooting, it'll be more of a 'I knew it was coming but I was dreading it' thing rather than a 'omg where did that come from?!' the ways things are going that's the road we're headed down

also if you believed the rumor that Facebook is ending in March... relax. nobody would shut down a $25 billion business just to be more 'stress-free'. also, one article was titled 'Humanity Disappoints Again, Believes 'Facebook is Ending' Rumor' HAHAHA I LOL-ed

mark of the best boyfriend in the world: got into a stupid tiff at the end of the day, I zoomed off angrily in my car and Gus went off to his friend's house. raged at home for the longest time feeling pissed and upset. no contact for almost five hours. finally felt so frustrated I called him, not sure what to say, didn't know to apologize or to get even more pissed and yell at him, but I called him, and said 'where are you' and immediately, Gus said, 'I'll come over ok? let's meet. I wanna see you'. takes a second to turn things around, I said 'really?' and he said 'of course' and we met and we apologized, we went for supper and got a little fatter together, and now we are fine. he told me that even if I didn't call him he was going to come over as a surprise, told me I ruined it (I am angry at myself for that),

and

I love him so much. end

found some cool panorama shots I took while we were in Versailles

parents acting cute. mom acting hip. FOREVER ACTING HIP -.-

I don't like feeling... disappointed. or let down. when you've invested so much into a certain thing in your life, and it turns out that the outcome is going to be nothing like what you thought. it's a part of your life you're never getting back. I hate feeling like I've put in all this effort, forced myself into so much optimism, telling myself 'I am the exception, not the rule' only to be facing ever murky waters. I think I've lost a lot, a large part my own doing of course, but I wish there was at least some comfort there. some sort of reassurance that yes, you've lost a lot, but it's alright. something on the horizon will be all worth it. but I don't get that at all, and if anything I hate helplessness, or irretrievable losses. sometimes I just want to get away from myself. seriously leave everything about me behind, find happiness inhabiting the existence of someone or something much less complicated

JOE WALSH JOE WALSH JOE WALSH
his polka dot pyjama pants are SO. AWESOME I WANT THEM



I'm seriously so damn excited... ever since their Long Road Out Of Eden album I've been dying dying dying to see them. to me, The Beatles are the best British band in the history of the world, and the Eagles are the best American band. my feelings towards both are quite similar: if I saw either perform, at my favourite song, ('hey jude' by the beatles, 'desperado' by the eagles), I will cry. if any of them died, I would feel a huge cavern of sadness open up in my body. I always feel sad that I will never, ever get to see the beatles perform because John & George are dead. if any of the Eagles died I'd really feel so upset. if I got to meet any of them, I would cry if only I've prevented myself from not fainting.

I keep worrying that for some reason the concert will be cancelled, for some reason they can't make it. I can't even begin to fathom how disappointed I would be. I am saving money to purchase original Eagles vinyl records because they are so ridiculously expensive, but it's the sort of things worth saving money for I think. soon I will be going to Gus' house to watch the Eagles LIVE in Melbourne, 1994 on DVD because his parents are also Eagles fans and I am looking forward to that. I am going to the concert with my parents and my sister, I think my parents will enjoy it very much. I'm happy we're doing it together.

FEB 23RD I need you to come  now now now

school starts in two days... how abysmal. my first and only lecture on monday begins at 4pm and ends at 6pm. the point of traveling all the way to clementi for that is starting to lose its influence, if there was any in the first place...

today I spent a grand total of $28, $18 of which was spent splurging on bak kut teh for my mother and my aunties. I read my book while Gus watched jackass 3d. honestly I'm shocked none of them have died yet, I feel like the longer they do things like these one of them is bound to crack his head open from landing on concrete after hurling themselves fifty feet into the air in a trolley via catapult. I also feel like it will be my favourite jackass boy, johnny knoxville :(

I've decided this: a book needs to have something shocking in order to be good. big brother, clones, bokanovsky processes, etc. adultery, death... what's shocking about that? if anything it's banal. so I've resolved to finish this list of 'best' dystopian & post-apocalyptic novels:

fahrenheit 451 by ray bradbury
i am legend by richard matheson
the road by cormac mccarthy
a clockwork orange by anthony burgess (i didn't know this was considered dystopian)
we by yevgeny zamyatin (inspired the plots of both BNW and 1984)
the diamond age, or a young lady's illustrated primer by neal stephenson
a canticle for leibowitz by walter m.miller, jr
the book of the new sun by gene wolfe
do androids dream of electric sheep? by philip k. dick
neuromancer by william gibson
world war z by max brooks
the sword of spirits by john christopher
a handmaid's tale by margaret atwood
that hideous strength by c.s. lewis
the sheep look up by john brunner
the hunger games by suzanne collins
brave new world by aldous huxley 
nineteen eighty-four by george orwell
v for vendetta by alan moore and david lloyd 


uhhh 13 left. of course with school readings about to pile on, I think it'll be awhile before I come anywhere close to completing the list. some of them are even trilogies, so... although funnily enough, I already have 'the road' I've just never finished it. so I will attempt to. I like dystopian novels, funnily enough... nothing like fear to get a message across, right

Earn your first dollar when you're 5

Chief Executive Officer, age 18

24 year old earns her 1st million, read page 6 to find out how she did it!

Business

business

business

Handshakes, cheques, ball points, breathmints, smart suit, Louboutin, Chanel, aftershave, flawless face, Pinot Noir, I'm on my way to a great life

Car, land, house, pretty wife, capable husband, smart kids, jetsetter, ass kisser, bull shitter. At least my mouth smells nice

Everything!

more

more,

more.

Money

money

money

Fuck you

-- via tammy's blog 

agreed! fuck you indeed 

today I finished reading 'one day' by david nicholls. I've always enjoyed british writers, especially the witty ones who commit to making everything kind of a satirical monologue about looming middle-aged crises, like nick hornby. the brits have a certain wit and humor about them that no one else does, I don't understand why they alone have been blessed with it. think Russell Brand on a good day, but sharper and more eloquent; less gesticulation and fanatical smiling about sex. I guess this book did have that element of humor, but it was, in the end just a very, very sad book. I didn't even feel happy at the end even though the protagonist was supposed to have been.

things I hate in books:
adultery
death

unfortunately it has become a pre-requisite for contemporary fiction to include these things so I take them in my stride. I understand without one of the two perhaps a book would lose any impact, but every time I read a paragraph revealing an affair my heart plummets ten floors; the characters are fictional but I always feel so outraged on behalf on the cheated (I suppose that is when you can tell someone is a good writer). so this book is about a man and a woman who are pretty much destined to be together but torn apart for twenty years due to differences in life mottos, ambition, etc. I expected the plot to be a little flat but I think he crafts the characters so well that even though the plot sounds predictable, you want to know how every little detail goes down. and there is a twist at the end! which is where the story fell into the depths of depression. sometimes I wish I just read a happy storybook. but I liked it overall, maybe you'll like it too, if you've ever read nick hornby's 'high fidelity' and liked it, because it's somewhat like it in character

anyway I also liked it because at the beginning, they are both fresh university graduates on the brink of adulthood, something I suppose I will face in a short three, four years more. the idea of that unknown always scares me. instead of thinking it is a 'canvas waiting to be painted' I choose to adopt the slightly more morbid idea of 'being pushed into the middle of the atlantic ocean at night and left there alone'. fear, I think, more than anything. not so much excitement; just an anxiousness. make it or break it. I don't like that phrase very much.

--

today I read the news: london authorities declare the threat of terrorism to be on 'high alert'. this put me in a bit of a seizure... everything about Europe being Al Qaeda's new playground makes me nervous. that is where I want to do so many things!!! I don't want it blown to shreds. and I don't want people to die, of course. I WANT TO GO THERE IN MARCH WITH GUS, I was talking to him about it, telling him of all the soccer matches we could watch, in Manchester, London... (he dismissively waved the idea of watching a Chelsea match away: 'I don't care for the other clubs' the true United fan he is) go up to Paris to stare at hot Parisian girls and do things he'll hate like sit in little cafes and watch Parisian life sail by. money is an issue. as always. BUT I'M SO EXCITED

I'm looking at the outline for my French module come school starts. it is quite intimidating. nothing is in English so I am staring blankly at a bunch of letters, some of which I can guess the meaning, some I don't. I know these phrases: parles vous francais, je ma pel -name-, j'adore, j'taime and my favourite, menage a trois hahahahahahahaha

It is hard to know the difference between irrational fear and instinct, but fortunate is he who can . Often there is no clear right or wrong option, only the safest one. And if safe was all I wanted, I would have stayed home in Jinja. Too often when trying something no one has ever done, there are only 3 likely outcome: Success, quitting, or serious injury and beyond. The difference in the three, are often forces outside of your control. But this is the nature of the beast: Risk. 

Anyone who is good at what they do, be it marketing, sports or hairdressing will tell you they trust their instincts. There are rational explanations for people making the right choices based on information they could not have known beforehand but only because we live in a rational world. If you chose this option and believe that all that all there is to know is already known, then that is your boring truth, keep me out of it. Whatever the real reason, I think we all agree that people who can go successfully beyond facts are the ones who excel in any, and all fields.  

via the great white explorer  

apparently this man, hendri coetzee, spent a large part of his life kayaking through the rapids of Africa. while part of it was a passion thing, another part of it was a compassion thing. he tried to map out waterways and streams in Africa to help the cause of freshwater accessibility for villagers in many parts of Africa. that's pretty crazy I think. he spends all his time planning his expeditions, getting into trouble with Rwandan authorities (how he describes the Rwandan army: army with a lack of humor that kicks serious ass when and to whom they see fit) and running, like he said, very serious risks with all his expeditions. but that's the life we should aim to lead, isn't it? one chasing after your passion while at the same time having the heart to help people along the way.

but anyway. apparently he died. recently, on dec 7th. a hungry crocodile attacked his kayak and dragged him underneath the whitewater. what I know is this: a crocodile's 'down-bite', which is the part where the upper jaw comes snapping down, has more power in it than you're even thinking. it could've snap your arm right off, yes. but a crocodile has negligible muscles in getting there: if you clamp your hand over the snout of a crocodile, meaning you're holding its jaws together, it would not be able to open its mouth. but if you're simultaneously battling the raging rapids of Africa's rivers, grappling oars in your hands desperately trying to beat off a crocodile that has already begun to lift its upper jaw, and if that's a risk that you were willing to take for your cause... then I think that is a life truly well lived

no fear, that's what I wish I had

decided this blog could use some pictures.

new year's: spent it at harresh's house. he had a water bed that I gleefully rolled around in, while Sandra pondered with me how difficult sex on the bed would be. played lots of taboo and monopoly deal, as well as dance central.. when midnight rolled around everyone seemed unprepared, hastily grabbing confetti shooters and poppers. once it was 12.01am, boys being boys started to pop things unnecessarily in each other's ears. the night was full of that popping sound, again and again. we had sparklers too, and sparklers are always nice if not a little scary sometimes. when I was young my brother and I would go to the park and scrape off the powder from the sparklers, gather it in a huge heap and set it on fire. the dress code was to wear something bright or white. at Gus' house I scrambled to find something in his sister's closet (with permission) and came out with this really funky maxi dress

everyone being a pussy here

about 10 days before the new year's I had a birthday party in Sentosa. I don't have much pictures because most of them were taken by Gus and he NEVER uploads anything he takes, I don't know what's the point of taking them sometimes 

there were more people but I only have these pictures. they pampered me with a pillow full of beatles' lyrics, most prominently 'i get by with a little help from my friends', which is true in every sense. they also bought me this book of beatles 'treasures' which has reprints of ticket stubs, concert posters, things like that. I really love it. other presents I received: gift vouchers and gift cards to topshop and sephora, a tiffany&co necklace, a brand new MD wallet and a bottle of china vodka. it was a pretty awesome day. we stayed up into the night playing taboo and drinking games. nobody got out-of-control drunk which was what I was afraid of. because it was situated in a very resort-ish looking set up, Gus and I took a stroll and spoke in soft voices because of the silence. the roads were narrow, only enough for a lone buggy to come straddling the tar between its wheels. he held my hand tightly and we walked into the night, until I became tired

and on the 18th, a day after my birthday, before Gus surprised me at the park, we went for dinner at Chili's :)

obviously my photography skills are nowhere near being considered "imbalanced" if I competed them against any other random person. I don't have pictures from the park, but I think I like it that way. now it just stays in my memories, raw memory of what happened. if I recall it from the recesses of my mind I will be filled with all the happiness I felt sitting on that platform in the park, holding that necklace. 

christmas day: he didn't know what to do with his hat. my mom bought it for him and he freaked out because he never wears that kind of hat. I don't think anyone in Singapore does, I don't know what my mum was thinking haha. the other day she asked me if he's worn it out yet, and I said no, and attributed it to the fact that he practically lives in a shirt and his old jc p.e. shorts. she told me to help him dress better 

after looking at the pictures I've decided I don't actually like how I look with make-up on I think I manage to pull of a very trashy look unfortunately haha. I feel the person reading this nodding absentmindedly in agreement, thank you very much!!!!

in my efforts to stop saving (after almost crying from looking at the expenses a trip to the UK in march would cost), I have completely stopped buying clothes (with my own money) and will be buying books using vouchers to kinokuniya and gift cards to borders, as well as eating cheap. so far I think I have saved a tidy sum of money to add to my savings. when tuition starts again I hope I will have a bulging wallet. and when CNY comes I hope that people forget my face so quickly they give me hong baos twice

I hate being on my period. I never used to be the kind of person to go through PMS, simply because there wasn't much to piss me off. but now that there's Gus... he gets the brunt of it, mostly. it was stupid: me pacing back and forth the room, crying about how he has to be more serious and committed/he lying on the bed laughing away. finally I snapped, what the hell are you laughing at and he said, that your period is like alcohol and I said, wtf and he said, it's like you can't control any of your emotions anymore. and now I realize I probably really did seem like that. sooooooo I hate being on my period.

just finished 'never let me go' by kazuo ishiguro. deciding whether to watch the movie... mainly because there's one bit in the book where I got quite scared, so I'm thinking I'd be even more freaked about it being acted out at 2.10am. but, for carey mulligan & andrew garfield *drool* MAYBE I will. keira knightley as Ruth? YUCKS i hate her so much. she was so gross in Pirates, I've never gotten over that

anyway the book was quite awesome as it turned out, very heartbreaking towards the end. it's a topic we've often discussed in philosophy, not exactly the idea of clones but of life being nothing more than a technicality, practical in someone else's usage but not your own. and the idea of 'souls' has always been difficult to pin down. when someone is especially cruel, you'd say 'he doesn't have a soul', but we know he does. so what exactly does that mean, anyway? only people who do good things have souls? it's hard to speak about it without getting everything jumbled, and I've had one too many ferrero rochers to be thinking clearly. I think the one main part that really got to me though was, as usual, the idea of two people in love being forcefully separated, and their inability to do anything about it. it's a very emotional theme for me, I can't stand the idea, like I really really hate it

I think the next book I will read is 'the golden compass' by philip pullman, though if I find anything better in lieu of it I will read that first. I don't know why I'm putting it off a bit, but I am... so far I've liked all the books I've read and I hope to keep up this favorable streak. school starts next week, so I suppose I must get most of the leisurely reading out of the way before readings start to pile up. bidding tomorrow morning! I pray I am not the only person in class

UPDATE:
'never let me go' the movie was surprisingly good! I mean I already knew the whole story but I still cried when Tommy went into his rage, and also when Kathy said quietly, "There are no deferrals, Tommy." I think the casting was quite well done. Carey Mulligan really pulled everything together, and I think Andrew Garfield may have overdone the slight retard factor, but overall he was the one that made me so sad. Keira Knightley was sucky as shit tho, expected. think they could've gotten someone better. but everything else was actually quite good for me, including the soundtrack: lone violins always get me. I enjoyed it! surprisingly, considering how often movies never live up to the books.

currently reading 'never let me go' by kazuo ishiguro. kind of sian with it because my sister told me the twist at the end. so now everything is just heading towards that which makes it all the more boring... but I think I will just persevere till the end, because I quite enjoyed it before my sister ruined it for me.

been reading a lot these days. it's a good way to pass time. time that I have a lot of. I slept my day away because I had cramps, meaning I tried to lie down most of the time. and when I lie down I naturally start to feel sleepy, so I literally slept my day away. in between the pockets of sleep I would prop myself up and read until I felt my eyelids droop, then let my head fall into the crook of my arm and sleep. if I haven't already proven myself to be some kind of mutant panda and pig crossbreed (they both sleep a hell lot) then I will prove it now: I love sleeping so much I want to sleep forever. not because it is a form of escape from the real world, but just because it is so. damn. relaxing #slothalert

tomorrow I want to go for the zara sale with my mother, I feel all the good buys getting snapped up so quickly I'm starting to feel anxious. Gus can go and do all his stupid boy things like he's been doing and we'll meet when he's done bringing his testosterone out for a good run (Y)

Gus. somewhere to sit. functioning voices.
that's all I need.

I met him at 1145pm and we had a long talk until 210am. 'long talk' sounds bad, but it was anything but. we talked about everything under the moon going incognito, from philosophy to religion to university to human character analysis to anecdotes from our childhoods to disgruntlement then happiness to the origins of God to the lastingness of facial features through generations to sleepiness to goodnight and goodnight and goodnight

my favourite kind of times with Gus. sitting and talking. that's all humans really need... someone to sit with. and to talk to. to listen, and to respond. interaction is simple: you give and you take. if you're lucky, you give and take, but you end up with a whole load of happiness filling up inside you, like a loading bar on a webpage. some nights I go home with 70% but most nights it's 100%

what's wrong, he says
and i say quietly, every night
i go to sleep and dream of
waking up to a life where i am a better
version of myself but
every morning I wake up
to the same inadequacies
same insecurities
same flaws
and I'm sick of it

isn't that your fault, he says
and i say quietly, i dream of
helping people and putting
myself aside, of shedding this
graying coat of skin and doing right
by people

i dream of people showing up
to my funeral because i
have helped them in some way
and they are compelled to
mourn my death
not because i like that kind of
attention (it wouldn't matter because
i am dead) but because i
think i would like to know that i have
lived a life well by seeing that
i have somehow put my finger somewhere
on the fabric of another's life
and hopefully
created a ripple

i think you can have that, he says

finished two books in the past two days. 'how to live safely in a science fictional universe' by charles yu and 'of mice and men' by john steinbeck.

I liked both of them very much, although the ending of HTLSIASFU was a bit of a disappointment... in a sense I knew what was going to happen. it was quite inevitable but I kept wishing the protagonist changed something. disappointing in that sense. anyway it's basically about a super advanced science fictional universe where time travel has been made possible, although it's impossible to change the course of history. the protagonist is a time machine repair man who has lived a decade in the 'present-indefinite' gear, which is to say that time has stopped moving for him. one day he sees his future self and kills him, effectively trapping himself in a time loop. amidst all this he wants to look for his father who has left him and his mother and drifted off somewhere in the space-time continuum in the search for happiness. sounds complicated, but is a really nice story. the father-son relationship comes to a very touching moment near the end that I loved, but the exploration of the meaning of time to human memory and thinking was what really intrigued me. my favourite paragraph:

"Time isn't an orderly stream. Time isn't a placid lake recording each of our ripples. Time is viscous. Time is a massive flow. It is a self-healing substance, which is to say, almost everything will be lost. We're too slight, too inconsequential, despite all of our thrashing and swimming and waving our arms about. Time is an ocean of inertia, drowning out the small vibrations, absorbing the slosh and churn, the foam and wash, and we're up here, flapping and slapping... and sure, there's a little splashing on the surface, but that doesn't even register in the depths, in the powerful undercurrents miles below us, taking us wherever they are taking us." 


Good read, I liked it a lot. it was on TIME's best books of 2010 list. the other book was 'of mice and men' by john steinbeck, of 'the grapes of wrath' fame. that book is so damn long I don't even want to try. anyway, 'of mice and men' is a penguin classic, so you can get it for like $8 or something in those green or orange covers. that book is sad as hell. when you add crazy people in the mix, you always get a sad book. I've known of it a long time, never read it until now. it's a straight out narrative book, so you really don't get any real character reflection laid out for you. it's plot all the way, which is not so bad because the characters are simplistic, and they say what they want to say. it's essentially about two lost and displaced migrant ranch workers and their place in the then-world of the 20th century's Great Depression. I mean there's not much to it: it has a sad ending. a meaty, though mostly predictable plot, but the twist at the end is heart-wrenching.

the last book I bought at borders is 'the golden compass', which is the first book of the 'his dark materials' trilogy by philip pullman. haha it's 'young adult' but I've heard it's really good (x one million better than the movie) so I'm all up for reading it... the one I originally wanted to buy was 'skippy dies' by paul murray, but borders ran out, so I have to go to kino and look for it. I really wanted to read that one. I was so disappointed they didn't have it.

anyway yes so if anyone's wondering what books to read, I think the two I just read are quite recommendable! just my two cents worth

I have been thinking about it and this: Gus keeps me grounded. I appreciate that.

Sometimes he reminds me of things i've resolved to stick by or things that are better for me. He helps me through times when my feet are still to separate from solid earth. He pulls me back down and tells me to look straight not up, or I might bang into something. He tells me to sit nicely and to chew with my mouth closed. Regulates my shopping. Forces me to drink water when I feel sick and sits for hours at the doctor's with me, waiting for my turn. He speaks honestly with me about my problems and how to fix them. Tells me when I'm
being a floozy or a bitch. When I get tipsy he brings me home, tucks me in and doesn't leave until I'm fast asleep. When I didn't do well for SATs I wallowed in self-pity and said "I'm so fucking stupid" but he didn't blink an eye and said, "no, you're so fucking lazy." which I realize now is the more accurate of the two observations. He forces me to study when I want to laze around in bed and scolds me when I sleep too long.

He keeps me grounded.
If I didn't have him goodness knows what monster I'd be right now.

1/1/11: in the afternoon I went for lunch with my family at this cafe called Toby's in parkway parade. it was a quiet little cafe nestled in a corner of the mall. shared a spaghetti bolognaise with my sister because I like to eat plain, simple food. I think it frustrates Gus to an extent, because sometimes we go to somewhere with a very elaborate menu spread and I choose carbonara.

after lunch we went to sistic and bought our Eagles tickets!!!!! SO HAPPY I've been bugging my mum to buy them for a long time now. we've got fairly good seats! so excited seriously. I don't really do concerts a lot, I only go if I think a band is REALLY worth it... Eagles is definitely going to be worth it. I think it's kind of a must for them to do their classic songs: love will keep us alive, tequila sunrise, desperado, heartache tonight... and of course, hotel california. I really hope they do hole in the world, take it easy and lyin' eyes + life in the fast lane!!! some of my favouritesss SO EXCITED Don Henly & Joe Walsh OMG

then we went to borders and I bought some books. now I'm reading 'how to live safely in a science fictional universe' by charles yu, and this is how reading really makes me feel comforted sometimes. the book talks about the issue of time that I posted yesterday... of course more eloquently and more articulate. but I will leave that for when I'm done with the book.

after that Gus came over and we lay in bed watching scott pilgrim vs the world. it's both a liability and an asset that michael cera can only ever play one kind of character, although scott pilgrim was slightly different for him. that's because even though it never changes, that kind of awkward/shy boy humor never gets old. I liked it a lot I thought it was really funny! everybody go watch it (online)

a good first january

I had lots of thoughts while driving home in the car. I sat in the driver's seat in a daze, foot slightly pushing the accelerator and my right hand resting on the wheel. the streetlights went by quickly, it felt like being in the eye of a storm. a little bit scary; you stop, but the world doesn't give a shit. when everyone said "one" in unison and it became midnight, I didn't feel anything spectacular. I wanted another drink and I wanted a kiss from Gus. at that moment I think I was happy. I reached home alone and now I feel sad

one of my thoughts was, why do people always think of life as a journey? or as a linear/longitudinal thing? why is it not kind of like the big bang? expanding outwards? or, why is it not the opposite? growing inwards and curling into itself and disappearing with the culmination of death? I feel like that's what life is like. when you are born you are the most important thing in the world. you are bigger than life and you are interested in everything. you are oblivious to what claws lie beyond the shelter of your mother's arms and the warmth of your father's embrace... as you get older you start to become smaller. you realize how you are quite insignificant as you start to meet more people who do things better, who achieve greater successes. you learn about how the milky way is only one of thousands of galaxies. you get lost in the numerous doctrines presented to you on a silver platter, about deities and gods who wield powers and magic beyond human imagination. this goes on until one day you die, and your insignificance culminates in that: you become nothing

not a positive way to start the new year? perhaps not. another thing: why do we use years to define things... if you take away the years, all you have is days following days following days. I think the years have given everyone the false impression of renewal. if anyone really wanted renewal, there's no point in waiting until the new year, is there? if we lived without knowing the time would we live better? no expectations of things to complete by certain ages, no rushing about trying to meet deadlines... maybe

lastly, the idea of being depressed has always kind of amused me. I've always thought, there's nothing to be depressed about especially not in Singapore! but while driving home it finally dawned on me: how terrifying the idea is that a person can feel trapped while standing in a huge field. or that a person can wake up and start to feel nervous/anxious to face the world. or that a person can want to shut his/her eyes and never open them again. I think the worst thing to have to feel is to feel helpless.

I am eliminating year-time: today is not the new year. it is merely the day after December 31st. it is January 1st and that has no inherent meaning whatsoever