being back from london, i feel like london is slowly leaving my body, i don't really like that but i can feel it. being absorbed back into my life in singapore, worrying about parking and bidding and school. over there, everyday i was thinking about what new shops we'd chance upon, what delicate articles i could bring home, fresh coffee in the mornings, hot chocolate for the cold evenings. really carefree. soon i will forget how i felt there. but one day i'll go back just to live it all over again. having been to both new york city and london i think i can say hands down london is much better. nyc is too much 'party' and too little 'cosy' if you know what i mean. it's subjective of course. once my friend said, 'you are either a states person or a europe person' but i know i'm definitely a europe person

in the afternoon, tian tian chicken rice with gus, i really like that place. then he forced me to watch mission impossible (like how he forced me to watch sherlock holmes last night). i was pissed because i don't really enjoy movies, especially not violent ones... thankfully it wasn't as violent as i thought it would be. in fact it was quite enjoyable, but of course the saddest part was right at the end, when ethan hunt cannot be with his wife because she would become a target and be in danger. and he was watching her, and they locked eyes across a distance and smiled at each other. i teared.

bidding was today. got all the modules i bid for. scrolling down the reading lists i'm starting to feel afraid. double level 3 mods, i've never done that, not examinable ones anyway. but we push through. days before school starts: 9. once the joyous festivities of the new year are done, 8 days to prepare for the onslaught of readings, assignments, tests and hours slogging it out in school. that includes getting healthier: more water, sleeping earlier, healthy food and cleaning my room.

resolutions? probably no, they're useless anyway, i always resolve to do the same things and end up resolving again the next year. so no. but happy new year everyone, may 2012 be a great year for all.

listening to the Les Miz soundtrack makes me miss London so much. the first day: breakfast at a cosy cafe place opposite our hotel, hopping onto the tube to UCL, met Eve, then met parents at Hyde Park for Winter Wonderland. at night Gus and I took a stroll on our own. that is perhaps how i remember it, patches of significant memories, the heat of my coffee on a cold night on a bench outside the tube station, the passing of bright red buses and the similarly coloured phonebooths splattered with porn, beef goulash in a park transformed for christmas. feels like only yesterday these things happened but so intangible, only makes the missing worse. i wish i grew up in London, wish that being there didn't make me feel like i've left something behind here. i said to Gus, let's work here once we've graduated. i mean it. jealous of students studying in London not because the schools are good, but because London is London and there's so much space in my heart for it. for the busker with an amazing voice at Piccadilly station, for the kindest strangers we met on the tube, for the sniffling and tearing you can hear throughout the Queen's Theatre at the end of Les Mis, for the beautiful buildings and their colonial architecture, for a city bustling with life, energy, arts, culture, sport, charm and wit beneath the blanket of clouds, rain and limited sunshine.

So far in London:

UCL
Met eve
Harrods briefly
Hyde park winter wonderland
Piccadilly circus
Walking through Leicester square to covent garden
Les Miserables at Queen's theatre, West End
Portobello market
Four seasons for duck
Old Trafford
Man City vs Arsenal match

Seems little but it's been pretty epic so far. Spent my birthday the day we went to Portobello. Didnt do anything special but it was okay, i had fun. Every time I come back here I love it more and more. The most tragic thing that could happen right now is to lose my camera or something like that. I would be devastated. I'd rather update more with pics so I'll leave it at that. 8am flight to Barcelona tomorrow, better catch some sleep.

undeserving

the remnants of my surprise birthday party, orchestrated by Gus, attended by people that i'm convinced, like me enough to come. sleeping tonight feeling something special, curling up like a pearl in an oyster

yet my grandfather has been admitted to the hospital. tomorrow he has to go for surgery. tonight i pray with the most sincerity than i have in the longest time. but nothing must go wrong.

so i logged into some website and clicked accept. if all goes well, in september 2012 i will be in france until january. when i process that i can feel part of me feel excited and the other part raging, what have you done. why did you do this. i told Gus, many people break up while on exchange. and he said, you have to start to realize that we are more mature than you think... stop thinking like that. i said, i know i won't cheat on you, so if we do break up it's because you'll have cheated on me. so can you promise me you won't. and he said, of course. that's easy.

i must really hate myself to think that someone who has stuck with my bullshit for what will have been 3 years by the time i leave, will leave me the moment the plane's wheels tuck themselves underneath the steel like a duck. i must really hate myself to think that as it sails across the watery skies, the clouds it leaves behind are going to arrest 3 years of <this> and throw it into oblivion. i have witnessed enough tragedies to know that trust is on many occasions an investment on the part of the foolish and the naive. but i don't want to be that person who fights her whole life ducking under crumbling buildings and swimming to the surface. things happen. that is all

There is a point where the light reaches the darkness, and it cannot chase the dark away anymore. At that point, I reach my hand across the divide and my fingers turn to dust. Somewhere out there the sun shines on a planet at a distance accurate to the thousandth decimal and life drains backwards into a fossil. I feel the mountains gather speed around me, suddenly I'm in a valley and there is no way out. The natural incline of the hills are too steep for unused legs, for neglected muscles, only the burning desire of the heart to get out, the determination of the mind to escape. But the physical body, my skin that keeps the blood from staining my bed, it restraints me to the mattress. In the mornings I awake and am unable to sit up. There are moments where the world places its grubby hands on my shoulders and shoves, clothes become imperfect, bruises flowering. Yet the gradual darkening of the skin reveals its weakness. The tip of a knife can split an epidermis like a ripe banana. Eyelashes fall off and my heart leaps out of my body.

It would do well to remember this. That sometimes I try to take a step and I succeed.

books I've finished over the past few days:

I think Jules Verne, probably, hands down my favourite science fiction author. I'm not really sure why. I think it's, first of all, how vivid his imagination is for someone living in the 1800s. For 20, 000 Leagues, it was very technology focused I think, the Nautilus is meant to be an engineering marvel. But for Journey to the Centre of the Earth, there's very little technology involved. If anything it's about regression. The book basically disclaims the (now scientifically proven) theory of central heat, that is, that the center of the Earth is motherfucking hot, explanations for volcanic eruptions, plate tectonics and so on. As they move deeper into the Earth, they become more primitive with their tools, food rations, sourcing water. The only modern tools they use are lamps and measurement tools like barometers. I guess it's hard to describe the book & not spoil it for some people. However, when I first picked it up, I knew it was about an expedition but honestly, I had no clue what was going to happen. I've never watched any sorts of movies about it or anything, so some parts of the book really, really surprised me. And I love surprises so that was good. When I read books I'm more preoccupied with the story than I am with the style of the writing, so I don't have much to say about it. It is very archaic in a way, you won't see this kind of writing in any contemporary science fiction novels, but it's nothing intolerable. 

I liked this book! It's funny and imaginative and witty. There's a myriad of characters. And, like I said, I had no clue what hte book was about so I got quite a few surprises. Maybe I'm just more easily surprised nowadays. Whatever the case, I really enjoyed it. I love the idea of Margrathea, and I love Marvin the Paranoid Android. Good read!!!  

Sigh so much to say about this book. Can't decide if I love it or not. I really love the idea of fighting to the death (sadistic I know) but I think there's something very primal and interesting about survival. Many people are claiming that HG stole its storyline from the famous Japanese novel/manga, Battle Royale. I will never, ever watch Battle Royale because I'm pretty sure it's gory as fuck and I won't be able to handle it. However, again, the concept of people being thrown into an arena and fighting to the death is as old as the Roman Empire, so there's not much to 'steal'. I'll say it is a very captivating book, you just want to know how it ends. On the other hand, I felt that the romance element between Katniss and Peeta was so forced it was almost unnecessary. The backstory for their romance I suppose isn't completely ridiculous, playing it up for the sponsors to receive gifts, but ugh the excessive kissing, the cheesy lines. In all honesty it took away from the harsh reality of the Games, which is the book's main selling point. I don't understand why books always have to have romance in them if romance is not their focus, if it's between two 16 year olds, if it's between a fucking sparkling vampire and a bitch. I mean, there was enough going on in the arena to capture my attention and all the romance did was make me crinkle my nose. I felt like the story might have been more powerful if Peeta and Katniss were just friends, but in the end, forced to try to kill one another, not star-crossed lovers, whether or not they were acting. I don't know, I feel very mixed about it. I enjoyed it though, just not sure how the whole romance thing sits with me, and if it's continuing throughout the rest of the series, whether I should continue reading it. I did like everything else though, I thought it was quite brilliant, and the trailer for the movie looks pretty awesome. From what I see most people are blown away by the books so... always worth a try. I just hope the romance thing doesn't turn HG into another fucking Twilight.

Things Gus is good at: letting me indulge in some fun on a night meant for him and his friends... I don't know how he comes to these conclusions, but somehow he always manages to surprise me and do the one thing I don't expect him to. In the end I'm glad I went, I think everyone was glad to be there, it was quite a crazy night and it was fun fun fun fun fun. In any case I love Gus's friends, most of them anyway, they're always accommodating and chill and laidback.

Gus is gonna kill me

Me: Gus wtf are you doing with your hand 

Gus: I dunno... I think I was like making a 'n' and the 'n' stood for something and I don't remember what 

Whenever Gus takes pictures, I dunno why but he does this pose where he looks diagonally up, either to his left or right, like he's in deep thought

He'll kill me again but I really like this pic so don't care haha

Aww :')

Okay yeah that's about it. In the end I was fairly inebriated, enough to feel like retching without ever actually retching, while Gus on the other hand... puked about 10 times throughout the night haha poor boy. One of my better nights at the club! I've only had a few. Glad I could add that night to the list, it was Nat's 21st birthday :) Needless to say I won't be touching alcohol anytime soon... 

Otherwise, I got into Sciences Po Grenoble for exchange!!! Not Paris, but still France ~~~ Didn't think I'd make it into Paris anyway. Either way, still grateful for this opportunity :) Now to decide if I should actually go... anybody been to Grenoble and can advise me?