this morning I woke up and I couldn't turn my head. slept with my neck contorted at some weird angle. it hurt so much that I couldn't go for lunch with my family at house@dempsey. I lay in bed for the longest time without turning my head. I drifted in and out of dreams I only vaguely recall now. at one point I opened my eyes, Gus was there and it wasn't a dream. he lay down with me and not-so-gently massaged the muscles that were tight in my neck and shoulder area, while I screamed like a pussy basically. that hurt a lot but the feeling after is heavenly, like all the tension has evaporated and everything is new. we settled new year's plans so that's good

when I felt better we went to old airport road to try the famous western food stall. it was really good, my chicken chop was juicy, tender and very well marinated. Gus' pork chop had this divine garlic sauce dripped over the meat -- SO GOOD. I felt my taste buds start moaning in ecstasy that's how good it was. go try it, the hawker center at old airport road. find the western food stall with tonnes of awards and order either the chicken chop or the pork chop ($5 - $5.50) Gus and I have been eating cheap. proud of us

I'm excited to plan my March 2011 UK trip with Tammy! and whoever else may be available. I want to travel with friends and go to places we've never seen. Tammy likes Greece, I think we may visit Greece. on the 2nd of March I have to be at Bristol for the open house, and then we can go travelling :) lots of friends have jetted off to places clad in white snow from mountain to valley; makes me feel like getting back on a snowboard and taking off down the slopes of Hokkaido

in the meantime, school starts in about 13 days or so. I hate when things seem devastatingly trivial in the grand scheme of everything else. what is university compared to the happy family I will one day have? what is studying when I'm going to die anyway?

new year's eve tomorrow: at midnight I will close my eyes and pray for renewal

"Singapore"
Mary Oliver

In Singapore, in the airport, 
a darkness was ripped from my eyes.
In the women’s restroom, one compartment stood open.
A woman knelt there, washing something
in the white bowl.

Disgust argued in my stomach
and I felt, in my pocket, for my ticket.

A poem should always have birds in it.
Kingfishers, say, with their bold eyes and gaudy wings.
Rivers are pleasant, and of course trees.
A waterfall, or if that’s not possible, a fountain
rising and falling.
A person wants to stand in a happy place, in a poem.

When the woman turned I could not answer her face.
Her beauty and her embarrassment struggled together, and
neither could win.
She smiled and I smiled. What kind of nonsense is this?
Everybody needs a job. 

Yes, a person wants to stand in a happy place, in a poem.
But first we must watch her as she stares down at her labor,
which is dull enough.
She is washing the tops of airport ashtrays, as big as
hubcaps, with a blue rag.
Her small hands turn the metal, scrubbing and rinsing.
She does not work slowly, nor quickly, but like a river.
Her dark hair is like the wing of a bird.

I don’t doubt for a moment that she loves her life.
And I want her to rise up from the crust and slop
and fly down to the river.
This probably won’t happen.
But maybe it will. 
If the world were only pain and logic, who would want it?

Of course, it isn’t.
Neither do I mean anything miraculous, but only
the light that can shine out of a life. I mean
the way she unfolded and refolded the blue cloth,
the way her smile was only for my sake; I mean
the way this poem is filled with trees, and birds.

before I point out how absurd it is to think that the prestigious Changi Airport would ever allow someone to squat in front of their toilets and wash ashtrays, I will point out the good parts of this poem. this: Yes, a person wants to stand in a happy place, in a poem; this: But first we must watch her as she stares down at her labor; this: Neither do I mean anything miraculous, but only the light that can shine out of a life. It's quite pleasant, the way she describes a small hope that anyone ca n have. Not necessarily that amazing miracle that people desire but the miniscule triumphs, I think that's important 

I think overall this poet came to Singapore in the 1960s or she went to China and just put 'Singapore' because she thought it was part of China. And if you're familiar with the cleaning aunties at Changi Airport, you'll know that all they do is sit on those ledges at the sides of the toilets and stare at you when you go in, stare at you when you come out. For some reason I get frustrated when people have stupid ideas of what Singapore is like. Third world, non-English speaking, totalitarian because we cannot chew gum. Please we're totalitarian for plenty of other more valid reasons. Oh well, I guess that's patriotism at the minimum level, haha 

Gus and I went for supper at the prata shop near my house. Been so long since I've had prata and it tasted sooo good... they're improving, haha. But anyway, we had a good talk. I told him that sometimes I see some people as 'surface people' and after trying to explain it, it essentially is people who live their lives quite meaninglessly. It's exactly what it means: people who don't dig deep. We discussed how some people go through daily motions and do things that seem 'apt' or 'right' but they don't think deeper than that. Some people go all out to keep having fun, keep doing things that bring them pleasure but they don't ever try to figure out why they have to keep trying. I said I'd like to sit down with someone and have a real talk; void of gossip or very trivial things. The kind of talk I was having with him. I think people who have given life a real thought will come to have some core beliefs that are essential to who they become. It doesn't have to be believing in a God. It
can be as simple as believing that a person is on Earth to do good, and that itself will set someone on a certain path. We talked a lot about God and who He is. And by that I mean, where did He come from? I find it so unfathomable that we're all in the control of this one being that no one, NO ONE who is alive will EVER know about; His origins, His nature, His cognition. It's mind-boggling how tiny we are in the scheme of the history of the universe, and who knows? There could have been universes before us that have lived and died. Gus said, maybe Jesus came elsewhere in another universe, and we are Earth 2.0. The scary thing is you hypothesize about all these things but any single one of them could be true. 

I told him I think that people think so much about things like these, about how tiny we are, how insignificant that they start to feel like they need a purpose and they need some meaning, and that's where religion comes in. Of course there is that whole agriculture thing, but I think people started to crave some form of fulfillment. I think early on they walked around very lost and very empty, very confused about who they were and what was out there. The fulfillment is now filled by half and half: science & religion. And on that note of becoming fulfilled, mankind has started to underestimate the value of
needing to search for that fulfillment because it's now so plentiful, becoming cheap to some (happens when supply > demand) and so its value dips, thus, 'surface people.' I think if you don't try to search for some fulfillment, one day you will realize how empty you are and how the years have wasted by in your frivolity. I don't know. But anyway I was just happy I could talk to him about it. I can only talk to a few people about things like these, but Gus is one of the few who get me completely and gives great insight 

I said if there was no heaven or hell, I'd choose dying into nothingness (the idea of everything simply becoming black, but you can't even think about how everything's black because you are nothing), but Gus said he'd want reincarnation. Maybe he loves life more than I do, haha. He also said he didn't mind dying now because he'd go to heaven and have a great time. But I would miss everyone dearly and all the children I wouldn't have, that makes me sad just thinking about it. I guess once you're in heaven you don't think about these things, which makes me scared, a little bit. How can you suddenly forget
everyone you love? I know we love Jesus more than anything but just because I love Jesus it doesn't mean I love my family any less. I asked Gus if he thinks Jesus feels sad when people go to hell. Gus said he thinks so and I think so
too 


but Gus better not die anytime soon cos I wouldn't even be able to kill him out of anger

omg I'm seriously jealous. I really want another dog :( the amazing thing is Dad says it's quite a viable option especially when we move! Meelo needs some company. SO EXCITED I really want another one so Meelo won't be lonely all the time and so they can all snuggle in bed with me. the boy who got that golden retriever puppy!!! SO LUCKY. and the king charles is just to die for. kids really like dogs I think, when I have kids I'm going to do that too, surprise them at christmas with a puppy. that is considering they really want one. I think as adults you get your children puppies only to end up taking care of it yourself... they're called 'christmas puppies' and many of them end up in the pound once the euphoria of having a dog drains away. quite sad I think

I'M SO SAD CHRISTMAS IS OVER it makes me feel like crying. Gus said I should decorate my room in the new house in a christmas theme, so it will feel like christmas forever. I see nothing wrong with it, haha. anyway I'm not scared for bidding anymore because I got pre-allocated four out of my five modules. I basically can bid up to 600 points for my french mod, haha yay

I've been forcing myself to read news in the papers/online/magazines because I think it's important. sometimes it's really quite a drag because if you realize, the world is going in a repetitive motion. things are repeating themselves just to different people... you'd think history would teach people a lesson but I guess sometimes it really doesn't. also it makes me feel quite sad sometimes, world news is very jarring. a boat capsized off christmas island killing 28 iraqis/iranians searching for a better life. another boat capsized off mersing jetty killing 4 singaporeans. bomb parcels sent to three embassies in rome. suicide bomber kills 20+ in pakistan. USA's unemployment rate at an all-time high of 9.8%. the euro is heading towards dissolution and the Koreas are still going at it. Malaysian football fans use lasers to disturb the vision of Indonesia's goalkeeper in the Suzuki Cup final. LKY thinks Kim Jung Il is a flabby old man. even children know how to build bombs big enough to blow up airplanes. depressing, isn't it? but I think that's how safe Singapore is. you read about these things while reclining on a sofa sipping expensive tea. the world is in disarray more so than ever... reading about it in detail everyday really gets my spirits down sometimes. I try to do the small things; I tipped the old man who pumped my petrol just now and his smile warmed my heart

but my point was, I think it jades me a little bit so tonight I am curling up with comfortable, reliable fiction

I've just trawled through quite a few of William Butler Yeats poems... I like them a lot, I like his poems. 


The fascination of what’s difficult
By William Butler Yeats

The fascination of what’s difficult
Has dried the sap out of my veins, and rent
Spontaneous joy and natural content
Out of my heart. There’s something ails our colt
That must, as if it had not holy blood
Nor on Olympus leaped from cloud to cloud,
Shiver under the lash, strain, sweat and jolt
As though it dragged road metal. My curse on plays
That have to be set up in fifty ways,
On the day’s war with every knave and dolt,
Theatre business, management of men.
I swear before the dawn comes round again
I’ll find the stable and pull out the bolt.


O Do Not Love Too Long
By William Butler Yeats

Sweetheart, do not love too long:
I loved long and long,
And grew to be out of fashion
Like an old song.

All through the years of our youth
Neither could have known
Their own thought from the other’s,
We were so much at one.

But O, in a minute she changed–
O do not love too long,
Or you will grow out of fashion
Like an old song.


He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven
By William Butler Yeats

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.


--

i need to find that one switch
flick it and all this
disappears,

i am the skin that a snake must live with
until it gets so uncomfortable
like too tight clothing or the smell of barbeque
that it sheds everything and leaves it in a heap

it is everything that is wrong
and everything that is undesirable
sometimes you pick it up and drape it on you
and tell me 'i like it'
but all i see is the skin distorting you
covering your perfection with translucent scales
the pattern of the scales crack faults on your perfect face
you don't want to be stuck with that

i will bury it deep in the ocean where
the fish will nibble at it and die a slow death
there is no glory in the letting go
only what happens after
i am the snake that leaves itself behind
and we are of the same but we are not the same
there is no similarity between 'success' and 'failure'
there is no similarity between 'happiness' and 'poison'

I have come up with my new year's resolutions. I'm going to try to put them into practice NOW so that by the time the new year comes I can make amendments to the ones that are going to prove simply unrealistic. These resolutions aim to improve my overall general well-being and to make me a "better person", whatever that eventually turns out to mean

1. sleep by 12mn latest everyday
2. wake up by 10am latest everyday
3. read the papers every morning even tho they pretty shit
4. take Meelo for a walk everyday
5. join a weekly pilates class
6. try to eat only carbs & proteins/super cut down on fatty foods
7. save money by eating cheaper/at home more often
8. save money by less shopping
9. settle on a skincare routine and do it everyday!!!
10. spend more time with family

I think the most unrealistic of these is waking up by 10am... that's hard. haha. but I'll put it into practice and see how it goes from there! I really want to join a pilates class because I'm starting to feel flabby. And cos I hate running aimlessly. On the 31st of Dec I will amend the list accordingly HAHA

one day till christmas :) :) :) christmas is my favourite holiday of the year hands down. christmas dinner with Gus' family tomorrow night, then with my family on the 26th and dinner with friends on the night of the 26th :) YAY!

LOL THIS MAN SO CUTE he's like a modern day einstein LOOK AT HIS HAIR SO CRAZY I am completely besotted with him right now, I wish he taught me chemistry HE IS SO CUTE

--

things from around the world:

1. obamas not invited to royal wedding next year
2. lindsay lohan investigated for confrontation that occurred WHILE IN REHAB
3. 25% of Americans too obese to join the military
4. obama repeals 'don't ask, don't tell' law, allowing openly gay/lesbian men & women join the army
5. Apple bans Wikileaks app (i.e. apple is in for a lot of backlash)
6. Kate Middleton is so pretty
7. Old Airport Road's wanton mee is overhyped

Yes it's 3.13am I spent quite a lot of time reading random pieces of news online. Finally have a card that I can shop online with but can't find anything I want to buy. Maybe I'm finally reaching a new level of monetary consciousness! FINALLY ugh I've been waiting so long. This can only mean good things for my bank account. Christmas in 2 days! Still haven't gotten Gus a Christmas present, STRESSED

This is so sweet:

LETTERS TO GOD 

hahahaa "1 Heaven Place", so sweet. maybe I will write one too, I like the idea very much.

Oh I got my twitter back! Follow me! siyi_chen

BTW, Kanye's new album = SO GOOD. Just downloaded it. I love "Monster", it's a bit vulgar but it's pretty awesome

um, also I don't really like Nicki Minaj but she totally killed it on this track omg

--

I think Julian Assange's kind of... enigmatic/'promiscuous'/push-and-pull character is stealing the limelight from Wikileaks. I still can't decide if I support him, but I read something in The Economist that I agree with. He is basically targeting governments that are, in essence, at least trying to practice liberal democracy. What would be quite groundbreaking would be for Wikileaks to hack the governments of North Korea or China or Burma, and release documents that expose these governments for imposing any kind of oppression/violating human rights. That would be far more useful and far more necessary. He said his new round of leaks is targeting huge banks, enough cables to force these banks to close. Bank of America is one of the targets. Cyberwar is quite scary, especially with the fluidity of capital nowadays. Feels like you never know when it might actually affect you.

I have updated my card! So now in the spirit of cyber-related activities, I will go online shopping hahaha bye

I think when it's the holidays and you start to laze around a bit too much, you start to feel a tad disgusted with yourself. like 'ugh I am nothing more than a dishrag' that is how I feel now, haha. feel like I must do something productive tomorrow! I want to spend the day reading -- but reading WHAT, that's the thing. I figured I'd finish reading the new mags I just received, then read Good Omens (I am halfway), then read about some greek mythology, all while listening to my vinyls :) I have already dismissed my poor academic performance from my very lofty mind. in the bigger scheme of things, these trivialities really do not matter and I am determined to stick by that

anyway, I like this short story. I read Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr in JC, but this one by Vonnegut is much better. to me dystopian novels/stories must be hard-hitting. it must make you feel a kind of gut-wrenching feeling and also a kind of fear. this story has much more impact that Nineteen Eighty-Four or Brave New World. I think he plays up the simultaneous activity of suffering and obliviousness quite well, which is what makes it so captivating. people have very evident feelings (you can tell by the crying, for example) but they cannot recognize what it entails. though most dystopian novels address the issue of the semantics of 'feelings', this one really does it brilliantly. the lady is crying, her cheeks are wet, but she doesn't know why, it's just 'something sad'. I guess most dystopian novels/stories are special in their own ways, but I liked this a lot, more so than Player Piano by far.

READ IT: HARRISON BERGERON 

I think the best way to deal with my quite shitty exam results (which I have no right to be upset over, considering I hardly studied for anything) is to lie in bed and listen to vinyl. before I checked my results, I brought my dad and my sister to the old vinyl store at Adelphi that I checked out a few days ago. my dad appreciates good music just as much as I do, maybe more. it was fun because they played anything we wanted to listen to on their huge ass speakers... picked up quite a few records

now I think just listening to them is a bit of an opiate. it makes me forget a little, forget that I screwed up, kinda. I like just thinking about the music, thinking about the next word that comes. I have elton john, journey, hall & oates, rod stewart, van morrison, chicago, simon & garfunkel. I also bought ELO which I was very excited about!! and of course I have the beatles <3 today Gus is gallivanting around town causing trouble with his friends so I will lie in bed and let the music wash over me. hopefully it can wash away all this clingy guilt and regret I feel from not doing well. I wish I didn't care.

no pictures yet, but my birthday is over over. all the celebrations related to it are done with, I feel empty now. haha. I'm 19 for real... how boring and insignificant

so yesterday after a lot of mad rushing about Vivocity, Gus & I checked into the Capella Hotel at Sentosa... quite unsightly I think, hauling cold storage plastic bags of 1.5L drinks and chips. the night was very fun, I really enjoyed bringing all my friends together and everyone hanging out :) I hope everyone had fun because I really did.

even though quite a few people stayed over, when I was so tired and ready to sleep, Gus said for this once, I was allowed to sleep whatever way I wanted, which is basically in his embrace. like with my head on his chest and his arms around me. normally he doesn't let me do this because he's a 'space sleeper', but last night he did and I fell asleep happy, but more importantly, I fell asleep content. I'm really so happy that Gus has been around to help me with everything and on top of that, place my welfare/happiness above everything. he's really been the best boyfriend this entire time... people say that I'm too young to know what love is. I've been thinking about that seriously, and I've come to this conclusion: I don't know what love is, but if I had to imagine what I think it was, I'd say that what Gus and I have comes quite close

anyhow, it is now quite late... in about ten hours my results are gonna come out. if I'm going to go down burning in an inferno of insecurity and disappointment, at least I had fun before the fall. all the best to me!

Gus came in the afternoon after he got back from Malaysia. was so good to see him again. we spent the day watching gaki batsu on youtube and bumming in bed. went to eat Chili's which was awesomeeeee sigh wish it wasn't so expensive. and then when we got back he gave me my present! which was a nat geo poster that I've wanted for a very, very long time. I was very thrilled with it, if we move I can put it up nicely

he left as abruptly as he came. had to go pick his sister up from somewhere. I was quite sad because he wasn't around yesterday for my birthday so I wanted to spend today with him quite badly. but he had to go so he left

then about 15 minutes later my sister barged into the room and said that a church friend of ours was around the area and wanted to hang out around the park at my house. so I got dressed quickly and we drove to the park...

and I saw Gus's car there. and when I walked closer to the playground structure, sitting on one of the platforms were dozens of candles and my boyfriend. my sister brought speakers along and then she got her cue and left, haha. dozens of candles lit and music playing softly... so touched :') it's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. then he handed me a teal box wrapped with a silver ribbon. the box read: tiffany & co. I started to cry before I even opened it, I was stuttering like such an idiot. I swear the tears were dripping down my face like a freakin waterfall, and sitting inside the box was a tiny teal bag, and I tipped it over and out spilled a gorgeous heart necklace... I cried even more until my eyes hurt and the front of my shirt was soaked. then he played 'He You Me' by Jimmy Eat World, stood up and took my hand. he pulled me up and into his arms, and we stood dancing in the middle of the park. you know you watch those movies where really cheesy things like this happen and you're like "Pfffft lame" but when it happens to you, it's really, really nice and so romantic you can't even imagine. we danced to a few songs, that song, 'Somewhere Only We Know' by Keane and 'I Wanna Grow Old With You'. like I know, they're so cheesy and cliche and typical but I assert: YOU DON'T KNOW how awesome it is until it happens, and then you know why it's so cliche

you might think I cried because it's Tiffany & Co but I cried because

1. he remembered that I mentioned it once before that I'd like something from there
2. he sacrificed a lot of things to get it for me, things he didn't have to sacrifice
3. he did it surprise-form, because he knows I love surprises

i would have been equally wracked with sobs if it were any other present. furthermore his 'fake' present was also damn good. I can't believe it haha.

basically I have the best boyfriend ever and my sister is not bad too, haha. with all the shit that's going on and even if my party were to spectacularly fail tomorrow, this is already the best birthday ever

i woke up when my mother banged the door open in her usual, obtrusive way. "still sleeping?" she asked and I nodded groggily even though the fact that I replied means I am obviously not sleeping. so what kind of question is that? still sleeping? it's like a taunt more than anything. but then she produces a bag from behind her back, a paper bag. it is folded nicely with a ribbon and it's holding something. "belated birthday present" she tells me, and I am touched. I give her a kiss before I even open it, because all mothers deserve that, and then I open it. it is a long, black wallet whose idiosyncrasy only spills out once pull the flap open. it is not a wallet I would have chosen. I am not completely given to its design. but I plastered on a big smile and said, "Thanks, mom. It's really nice." and in about two seconds the smile becomes as genuine as it can be, because if there's one thing I hate, it's letting someone know that you don't like their gift, especially when it's taken a lot of effort/obviously carrying a lot of thought. I hate that so much that now, looking at it, the wallet is really quite exquisite, and I'm going to transfer my stuff soon.

and so I think children have to protect our parents in these small ways
act like you love everything they choose for you
snatch the car keys when they're obviously too tired to run errands
get into the habit of slapping your hand
over your mouth
when you're about to ask for something you don't need

today I will upgrade my card to a debit card... I don't know why I have taken so long. then I will come home and order books online at cheaper prices.

you are there, literally inching
your way towards where I am
inching and inching
and its excruciating, the wait
I want the traffic jam to part like Moses made the seas part
I want a distinct and clear path be drawn
from where you are to where I am,
like on the maps with the contours, what is called 'horizontal distance'
instead of skirting the boulders and circling the mountains
you look down at this map from above, and all there is is a straight line
from point 'you' to point 'me'
clear and simple
so I can start counting down from 60 instead of 2000

I have more pictures from Bali! These are from my dad's camera :)

birthday with a dampener. last year I got home at 1am on my birthday to find my boyfriend & my bestfriend hiding in my toilet with my favourite rive gauche cake. this year both of them are overseas & I miss everyone. my toilet is empty and instead of surprise I am feeling down... wish Gus was here to make my birthday complete. normally I wouldn't even miss him this much because he's only gone for awhile, but the fact that it's my birthday, I miss him x one million because I want to celebrate it with him too. we skyped for awhile just now when he wished me but insufficiency has a way of making itself known. not enough, not enough. I want him here now

also I am in love with this song:



Make You Feel My Love by Bob Dylan (originally)
this is an Adele cover because for some reason the Bob Dylan version is impossibly hard to uncover
makes me want to own it on vinyl HAHA

anyway this song is so damn romantic and it's so sweet.
I would love if someone sang it to me!

am I hinting to Gus?
... YES *\^^/*

I bought my vinyl player! at first there was something wrong, but my Dad helped me fix it :) now it is playing perfectly through this Pioneer amplifier I stole from my aunty. but anyway, vinyls have such great quality! I never knew! everything sounds so much better. clarity is there, but there's still a very good and full bass support. I went to Gramophone to find some records but all they had was so shit I didn't buy anything. maybe tomorrow I will find better ones. anyway I really love the sound of vinyl, I don't exactly know how to put this in words, but the music feels more "part of me". it feels like the notes and the voices and the clash of the cymbals are flowing my insides out through the ends of my fingertips. like my heart is engaged. I especially like the build-up in "Something" by The Beatles, and they chorus together: you're asking me will my love grow / I don't know, I don't know 

after I came home, my family and I went out for dinner at Sushi Tei! SO GOOD mmm. I think the mark of a good Japanese restaurant is cold, fresh and tasty salmon sashimi. anyway they considered that my birthday dinner, which was really good and I'm cool with it. we came home and put up our christmas tree! Gus went with me to go buy it the other day -- NOT CHEAP. but yeah, we set it up and wrapped it in lights and ornaments following a gold-green-red theme. it's very beautiful, I like it so much. it's very tastefully done, not an overkill of ornaments but not so few that it looks sparse. I will take a picture and put it up here. I had a lot of fun doing it because my whole family did it together, plus we played christmas carols on my laptop and beatles songs on my vinyl player while we did it. even my grandparents ambled here and there trying to hang ornaments. I like to spend family time like this, and it was good that my brother was back to spend it with us too. my dad spent the time snapping candid pictures of everyone, I like that he always tries to capture these moments. important things like these (Y)

Tuesday was another great day that has passed. I went out with Whang, Neh and Loe for some Golden Rooster at Coro. reminiscing about StMargs days is fun fun fun, haha. we sat at GR for the longest time laughing and talking, after which we went to Beauty World for L4D2!!! Gus and Jolene came, and it was pretty fun. I mean it's different, there's a lot of screaming when there's so many girls who aren't so good at it, you know? plus there was Whang stroking the screen saying "Hang on hang on" while her character dangled off the bridge. then we went to this place called Buddy & Hoagies for dinner -- I LIKE! we ate dinner and played MonoDeal and Poker. Whang was so unsure that she kept folding immediately, it was so hilarious. I miss all my St Margs friends :') I'll see everyone together on Sunday -- CAN'T WAIT

tomorrow's my birthday guys! haha how exciting

Gus has gone to Malaysia. my birthday is tomorrow and he won't be around. but at least there's the party on Sunday :)

so today is a lazy day. I woke up and read my magazines for awhile. now I am going out to scour for an affordable yet good vinyl player. I have some beatles vinyls that I've been wanting to hear for a very, very long time now. my vinyls are of "Please Please Me" and "Help". I think I have Abbey Road too. if I successfully buy my vinyl player, then I think I want to go find some records... I would love a Coldplay vinyl so much, I think Gramaphone might have one. I want to go back to that record shop in London we chanced upon and buy up everything. maybe I will try to buy a christmas one too

after that I will come home and set up the Christmas tree we bought yesterday and decorate it with a gold-green color theme. it is not very tall because our budget was limited, but I think it will come together nicely

also, the TIME magazine I received recently I'm very happy with because I saw it in a shop and resisted buying, hoping that it'd be waiting for me at home and it was :) it's The Best of 2011. I love these compilation editions. The Economist had one recently but I didn't get it because my subscription hadn't activated yet, sad :( anyway I like reading these magazines... I think they're really interesting, I mean you really learn about things that you don't study in school or anything. also, if you want to see even more interesting, you should read the Inbox page where they post people's critiques on last week's editions. and basically you get to see what really gets people upset: when you talk about the value of marriage in today's society, the gays and lesbians get riled up, because the value of marriage would be strongest to those who are mostly "unjustly denied it", but the straight people are like ~whatever~

still upset my Nat Geo hasn't come yet

so I decided if I end up going to study at Bristol maybe my new dream will be to start up my own magazine, where I will hire only the best-of-the-best journalists, and I will always be writing the Editor's Note. "It's always better to create a job than to find one." I think that sounds like a good plan. It will be the most revolutionary magazine on Earth and all of you will pay its exorbitant subscription fees just because it will be so damn awesome. I will pull Gus on board and he will be the famous businessman that will give valuable insight to several current events circulating the business world. one day we will be on Oprah and she will say that we are a "true success story". when I am older my company will be worth $100 million dollars (TIME was worth $80 million in the 60s)/when I figure out how to skirt this losing competition of print vs online, I will sell it off and spend my retirement living in a gigantic house with all my family

I've always wanted to be a journalist. write for something or someone.
write my opinion and have people slam it.
I think I never considered it very viable because 1) no money 2) I'd never find a job drowning in a pool of people who probably write a lot more brilliantly than I do
but if I start up my own magazine, then I can write whatever the hell I want because I created my own damn job. and I can sit and be bored by interviews with interns from ivy league schools

that's nice.
new dream.
I like it.
must tell Gus.

back from Bali. loved it... I like that Gus was there because then I have my full attention in Bali, with everyone. I know it shouldn't have to be like that, but it is/was and that's the best way to have it. anyway I liked every bit of it. it was a little short I think, four days three nights, but it was fun nonetheless. 

I have had worse partings, but none that so
Gnaws at my mind still.  Perhaps it is roughly
Saying what God alone could perfectly show –
How selfhood begins with a walking away,
And love is proved in the letting go.

-- C Day-Lewis

took this from Bert's blog. it's very beautiful.

I think life is meant to be full of letting go. I think if you were to live life brilliantly you'd be a speedboat gliding freely through the waters, not a ship trying to sail, dragging an anchor deep beneath that's pulling at the seabed. letting go is hard, though. and I think "selfhood" is important: it's that sense of confidence and that moulding of your identity that really shapes you as a person i.e. if you never let go, you never build this identity. dependency is a bad thing most of the time. you have only yourself to count on

and God. I think if God could let His son go, then we can find strength in Him to help us to let go. I mean, you take advice from someone who has been through it, right? God is that person... I think God is so wonderfully dual in that God-human way. I think when Jesus was sent to be crucified, God curled up in a corner of His room and cried; the same way I would curl up and cry if I ever had to let go of someone I loved. the only difference is that God had no one to appeal/whine/complain/rant to to feel better except Himself. at least we have Him.

I like the idea that God is forever listening, the idea that He's a 24/7 aunt agony. I like the idea that I'm never really alone.

the past few days have been a nice mix/balance of family, friends and Gus. it's nice not having school.

yesterday my cousin came over to film some of us for a short film she's doing for school. basically answer: have you ever fallen in love? describe your first love. so she did my mom and I cringed as she answered because it's so weird, you know? then she did me, and I said "yes" and described how I met Gus and ended with "and I love him a lot". then my older sister (who has down's syndrome) and I told her, "don't say you've been in love!" because I thought she was going to talk about how she really loves her boy bands and whatnot. but in the end she said, "yes" and described her first love as "my family and my friends" which was a surprisingly great answer and I thought it would really bring a new element to my cousin's film

we also filmed my grandpa, who said while smiling "wo jie huen 66 nian le" (I've been married for 66 years) hahahahaha and he smiled with no teeth so cute

so my parents and us kids have been zipping around the East area of Singapore, looking at houses. I think we've started to look progressively at newer, more modern houses. more glassy and open concept, with lap pools (most of them) that I think would be awesome because then I can take Meelo swimming! we looked at one house in which the current tenants were moving out of the country, so they were leaving all their appliances and whatnot. and in the backyard, there was A TRAMPOLINE:

THIS KIND 

so I really hope they leave it behind haha. another one had a sauna and steam room installed in the back :O for real, the things that some people do to their houses is astonishing.  anyway I think God has really blessed us with a lot of good houses at good prices, etc that we've had a look at. think my dad has seen over 15 houses already, but he said he wants to see over 100! I like to go with him, because I like to see houses. I've concluded that my dad likes houses with: high ceilings, huge living room, pools, strong breeze. 

AND. when we went to visit this one house, the neighbor opposite was such a douchebag. basically, right outside the house we were visiting there was nowhere to park except along the double yellow lines. there were cones on it, so we moved the cones and parked there because we were only going in for like 5 minutes. and while we were in there, the freaking neighbor came out and was so pissed we parked there, he took the cones and PUT IT ON MY DAD'S CAR. like on the hood and on the boot. IS HE A RETARD. how can you do that? and you know what? the cones are HIS. and he's such a paranoid asshole that the entire stretch of road has no double yellow lines except opposite his house, meaning he requested for it to be drawn. what an asshole eh, and he's got a bmw and a ferrari in his house. GOD so wasted, such beautiful cars going to a BASTARD. my dad was like threatening him to call the police and whatnot because he knew that that'd guy would get into trouble too. stupid people. stupid rich people who think they're so above everyone else. he was damn action, he was like holding his phone for the longest time dialing I dunno who, pretending it was calling the police? HAHA joke how long can it take dude... seriously...

pity because that house was so nice, I liked it the best. but gross neighbors YUCKS. the best I can deal with is non-interfering neighbors. means they don't care that you're there and don't disturb you. but DOUCHEBAG NEIGHBORS... ugh 

hard to remind myself there's more to life than good grades, good schools, good jobs. that's all we're ever told is important. 6 points, triple As, ivys/oxbridge/nuslaw/nusmed, first class honors & summa cum laudes, honors & masters & phds, outstanding starting pay, the unprecedented rise to the very top, the momentous impact a young man/woman of only 2_ has had in the success of this _ pte ltd. so fucking sick of it, of having these expectations to live up to, of WANTING to live up to them. for who? for what? like the poem says, I'm so tired.

in a bid to shake myself from this stupor and enjoy life as I'm living it, I proposed to my mother that this year my sister and I would take charge of christmas decorations. the christmas tree, a wreath on the door, holly wrung around the staircase and frosted windows. I really like christmas. I like that it's a time of peace (most of the time). I like that all I feel is a happiness that only comes with christmas. I like that there's a meaningful story behind christmas, I like that that story saved my life. I like christmas carols, I like christmas food, I like presents. I like that christmas is a family thing. I like that last year my family automatically bought presents for Gus (even my extended family). I like Frank Sintra or Bing Crosby or Josh Groban belting out christmas tunes, I like that everyone knows the lyrics to "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey, but they all also know the lyrics to "We Are The Reason" by Avalon. so I like that I'm doing something proper this christmas... if there was anything about christmas I ever wanted was to have a white christmas. so far I still haven't gotten that chance, but I believe one day I will.

I think that happy, magical feeling I always feel is because it's Jesus' birthday. like.. there's something more to it than simply the presents and the decorations; it's truly a day to be happy about. the fate of our entire lives was basically dependent on whether the events of 25th december, 2000 years ago, went the way they did (excluding any controversy regarding the actual day of His birth, let's assume it was 25th dec). quite amazing, isn't it? how could you not celebrate it? if I could I'd let it be christmas all year long

"You are tired"
E.E. Cummings

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

"6:12"
Patrick Phillips

My heart swelled inexplicably
when I turned the key

and caught the scent
of something lovely, coming from the kitchen.

I dropped my loaded bag
and clowned a heart-attack

when my son came running from his room
and gripped my thumbs, and balanced on my shoes.

And as I broke into our nightly dance—
his graceless, middle-aged old man,

I knew: that I will be content
if this is all the heaven that we're granted.


--


well this poem is so lovely, I love father-son poems. this is what I want to see in my future family, that one day I will accidentally stumble upon my husband and my daughter/son, them building a toy car, them playing soccer, them dancing around the living room. I feel like then and there I will feel all the happiness in the world culminated in that moment, that life will feel complete, even if I happened to be weighing 80kg by that time. I'm going to be one of those parents who take a million pictures of their kids through the ages. by the way I think I would like a boy

today I woke up at 10am and felt my stomach contract and expand so rapidly it was creating such intense bursts of pain, and I thought one thing: FUCK YOU THAI EXPRESS

seriously how come everytime I eat thai express it's like that? not even the same outlet... and it can't be the food. I've been eating their pineapple rice for such a long time now, and only recently has this food poisoning thing become a problem. anyway I sat rocking on the toilet bowl clutching my tummy in pain and praying over and over "God please take the pain away please God please". it was so horrible, all I wanted to do was pass out so I wouldn't feel the pain anymore. eventually God answered my prayers and the pain subsided so I limped back to bed and lay very still until 5pm. not kidding. then I eventually managed to stand up without feeling my insides force me into a fetal position and my sister & I went to town for some shopping! very proud of myself, exercised very good self control and bought practically nothing. haha oh well, tmrw is a new day!

also, Gus is coming home tomorrow!!! so happy, I am waiting for him to call now. he has been calling everyday and telling me about all the things they have been doing, including going to theme parks and whatnot :( so jealous. but tmrw's he's coming home and next week will be Bali!!! so exciteddd I actually went to town to scour for a floppy beach hat! didn't find a good one, but I will SOON. I am determined.

yesterday I was shopping with Sandra and Nut in town and got our nails done. I like getting my nails done, it's like colouring within the lines. and then I met Tammy and randomly ended up in a SNYO concert. of course we left at intermission... Tammy asked if we were less sophisticated because we don't know how to appreciate classical music, and I said, yes, we probably are less sophisticated. then we chilled at Starbucks and she walked me to the mrt against her will HAHA love you <3

tomorrow I am supposed to show up at sajc at 5pm and pull on soccer boots and play soccer. I have told many people that I will be a liability to the team. I suppose after 5 minutes I will be subbed out which is probably the best plan to adopt. I haven't kicked a ball on grass in almost 1.5 years, no kidding. thank goodness with so many people going there are tonnes of better options besides me, maybe I will slink into the background and not play at all. I feel scared haha

all I want is Meelo in bed with me, but I'm not allowed to. I think I will feel less lonely that way.

stupid Gus left so abruptly I was shocked. he woke me up from a nap, we said bye and he was gone. it was so quick I drove home in a fury. furious I don't get to see him for awhile, I don't like that.

the only thing that I feel alright about is that I have books to read, and I have movies to watch, and that El Clasico is on tonight. I hardly watch soccer nowadays, only when Gus watches... hardly watch epl. but I feel like watching the match tonight and I asked my brother to watch because he just came back from Australia, but he is busy tonight. he is celebrating his 4th year anniversary with his girlfriend... I feel like that is an unnatural feat for a boy of his age. he is only 20.

but we must aspire for such things, I suppose.

edit: Gus just called! I feel more at peace because I was afraid that something happened to their bus. in my head I imagine the journey to KL involves treacherous windings around a mountain. I don't know why since KL is hardly a rural place. but yes I feel better now knowing that he is in a hotel basement surrounded by the roaring laughter of his friends. LITERALLY roaring laughter.

also I think it's funny how many of Gus' good friends are the boyfriends of some of my good friends, haha. I always bitch with Sandra about Gus & Roy and I always call Swong to ask her wth is going on hahaha so useful

last paper tomorrow at 9am. philosophy... ugh honestly before I took philo, I was quite interested in it. now that I've taken it, I hate being mindfucked. also because we did not study the philosophers that I was interested in. in my opinion, a philosopher has to be dead to be good, THAT MEANS NOT YOU GALEN STRAWSON. we did nothing on aristotle or plato or kant or hume (not much anw) or kierkegaard or hegel, and very little on Sartre (yes I know them all from Sophie's Choice leave me alone)

I am tired of reading notes... I don't care if I live in a computer simulation. I feel like answering like that to every question: "I don't care I don't care I don't care" hahahahaha how wonderful. otherwise I am content with doing not-so-well for this paper because I know I've been doing quite well for the 10 summaries. I always get 3 or 4 so I'm less stressed about the paper tomorrow. another reason is that if there's one thing I am proud of, I am proud of my bullshitting skills. that's why I like essays on vague topics HAHA. feel like just reading my summaries over and calling it a night

but tomorrow is a very sad day because Gus is leaving for Malaysia for 4 days. I told him he better be careful because Malaysia is a very dangerous place, plus their commercials are honestly the most misleading things ever. the entire 'Malaysia Truly Asia' is built around white people basking in the spoils of Malaysia's land and labour. I know it's an appeal for tourism but it's SO WEIRD. there's not a single Asian in those commercials... I thought it was one of those Australian ads (THOSE R SO GOOD I always feel like going to Gold Coast when I see those)

ALSO basically by the end of tomorrow I will, I think, be having a holiday until next October... so excited! this means time for travelling and reading and relaxing and volunteering and yay!!! yes so anyway! I reckon I'll be done re-reading harry potter by the time next week ends. after which is Bali!!! ok but no, could anyone recommend me some books to read? I want to read harry potter-like books! it is sad that I feel like no series will ever become as epic as HP was, but whatever is close to it (NOT. TWILIGHT)! so far I've read reviews and think that I will read:

His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
Ender's Saga by Orson Scott Card
Discworld by Terry Pratchett (although there are like 30 books in this series)

and I guess I'll give LOTR another whack. failed miserably the last time, I don't know :\ not attracted to hobbits perhaps.

RECOMMENDATIONS, PLEASE!

SO. ANGRY.
my bb just totally went crazy. it starts blacking out and random moments, and I'll jab just about every key on the keypad, including the unlock one about a million times and the screen won't come back on. then I'll leave it on the table and suddenly it will. and then my 't' button has taken a dislike towards me... it won't work. and when it does it spasms in growth: "i'm eaTing at The restTauranT" WTF and many times it just wouldn't appear at all "i'm eaing a he resauran" WTFWTF. I had to resort to using a 'd' which really makes me sound damn lian: "i'm @ ouside dere" UGH switched my sim card back to my old iPhone temporarily while I send my bb for repair. if I don't reply bbm, I'm sorry!!!

today I basically followed Gus around because he was a very busy person and I tagged along behind with my nose in my hp book. also a fcker saw me sitting in my car, opened his car door beside my car and HIT MY CAR 3 TIMES. WTF WTF WTF I was glaring at him with daggers and he refused to look at me. if you're gonna get into your car with such difficulty DON'T PARK SO DAMN CLOSE GENIUS. thank goodness no marks or I would've asked Gus to do something because I am too afraid haha

showed my parents pictures from my sister's dance performance! it was a gala dinner for the Down Syndrome's Association. a charity thing, basically. and you really just see a hell lot of rich people there because there's an auction to raise money for DSA. they auctioned off some paintings that the DS kids did, my sister did some and hers raked in damn a lot of money! like $900 or something. insane, seriously. and they were auctioning jewelry, carpets, watches... a lot, a lot of money. in the tens of thousands. so my sister had a dance performance in between all the things, so cute!!! argh they're really insanely cute. especially this kid called Leonard HE IS THE CUTEST OMG

this is one of her paintings

one of her friends. they're sooo cute! Gus just pointed the camera in his direction and he posed, haha

look how handsome Gus looks! it was a really formal event though, everyone was in suits and nice dresses

THIS IS LEONARD 

HOW AWESOME IS HE 

they had to bow when their name was called, and LEONARD BLEW KISSES AT EVERYONE!!! <3 

my sister and her friend did a painting that was given as a gift to the guest of honor

leonard being awesome

my sister

I LOVE LEONARD SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!! it was so hilarious, before the show, when Leonard walked by, Gus said "hey leonard." and I was quite sure that Leonard didn't recognize Gus from the last time we saw him, but after staring for awhile, Leonard put his arm on Gus' shoulder and gave him a lazy smile, as if saying, "whats up old pal" HAHAHA I LOL-ED SO HARD he is the cutest boy ever