omg

It just suddenly truly dawned on me when I read the email confirming the approval of my visa for Australia.

I'm really going.

This isn't a dream.

I have approximately 41 days left in Singapore before I'm gone for good.

It's three days to the New Year.

It's 41 days before twinnie and I are separated. HOW TO BE TWINNIE WITHOUT TWINNIE?

*sulks*

I can't think very well right now. In a bit of a fuzz.

again again again!

This must be what, the third time this week that I've spent an entire night awake and then heading right out for church in the morning.

First was mahjong last Saturday, then it was a X'mas BBQ on Wednesday, and just a couple of hours ago, more mahjong. HA.

I think I could actually get used to this no sleep routine thing.

eek

I'm half an hour away from the weekend. The weekend, imho, starts on Friday at 6pm. But since it's not yet 6, I'm trapped.

N.A.D.PI.M.

How come your initials so nice one hah?

DEEP POND ITCHY MONKEY! I MISS YOU! :P
Please don't kill me.

silence is golden

There is nothing else I agree with more especially when it comes to what I fondly call Lecture 101 - The Basics Of Life.

I know it's hard to live with, I know it's hard to swallow. I've had to deal with it countless times in one year alone, and I empathize with how you feel. Completely.

I will only say one thing: Silence is the strongest armour you can provide for yourself.

Look contrite, mean it when you say sorry, even if deep in your heart, what you are saying sorry for bears little resemblance with what they think you are apologizing for.

There is no point in arguing back, in creating a bigger scene. What purpose would it serve, if only to lengthen your torture?

Accept it as your place in the hierarchy. Accept it that pride means nothing. Accept that their experience must probably mean something. After all, they haven't lived that long for nothing.

Perhaps, just perhaps, you might find a gem of wisdom lost amongst the senseless oratory. And when you do, treasure it for all it is worth.

Look beyond the scathing words. Look deep and long and hard. Love yet exists under that thin veneer of irritation.

The idea, is to get the hell out of that moment as fast as you can, even if it means waiting a whole hour under the siege.

It will stop. Just watch and see.

Don't turn to bitterness. Don't let it colour your perception. Don't heighten your sense of mistrust.

Don't end up like me, sadly awaiting that moment of change.

we is saikeek!

Omg. Twinnie and I are Saikeek. I just sent her an email regarding the new wallpaper I have for my desktop!

[14:18] \melvyn\ahmarudolpf: go and check your gmail

[14:19] ★ jojo 茹艳;: i got perfect photo for you to use leh

[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: http://rumpledoodles.com/photos/blogposts/jiaobin/difference.jpg

[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: we're really

[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: twins
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: i jus
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: saw
[14:20] \melvyn\ahmarudolpf: AWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: and
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: im
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: in
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: shock
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: omg
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: help
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: we
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: is
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: got
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: special
[14:20] \melvyn\ahmarudolpf: WAHAHAHAHAH
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: powers
[14:20] ★ jojo 茹艳;: saikeek

OMG. I'm starting to be terrified if we're really twins or what.

cunfusing cuntamination!



Long ago, all the world was good and all was fair.


Dawn was still a good girl, kind and honest. She was polite to everyone, and was thought of as "that nice girl".

Things changed however, when she travelled north with the Happy Sugar Loving Seal-Dead-Fish, Rainbow Coloured Magical Flying Talking Fairy Pony-Bear... and Ahmah Rudolpf Jiao Bin.

Eventually, she learnt to let loose a little. After all, all work and no play makes Dawn dry... I mean dull.

"ka kwee kwee tan dua looi ah!"

Yet more days passed, and eventually, after much cuntamination from the Reindeer, Dawn eventually fell from grace. No longer will she ever look at certain words, songs and actions the same way again.

She is now horny.

don't ask me; i'm cunfused.

Looking back on days past, I see proper confirmation that I should never be tasked with holding the map and reading off it. Or trying to decipher how to get where. Anywhere.

If it weren't for me, I think the Magical Talking Fairy Pony-Bear would have found a way to our hotel much earlier than expected.

LOL.

We actually called the tortured receptionist (her name is Zaiton!) to ask for directions, which I promptly rattled off as she told me.

Three minutes later, I asked the Magical Talking Fairy Pony-Bear...

"Eh, how to get to the hotel hah?"

I remember being roundly abused for forgetting the directions almost immediately after Zaiton chanted them at me.

But how is it my fault??? I've never been known for being good with directions and they had to ask me of all people to hold the map and provide the way there.

Thinking back on things, I consider it a miracle that we even got there.

So what if the highway was a straight road?

of adventures and orgasms

I didn't exactly publicise this but, I WAS IN MELAKA OVER THE WEEKEND WITH THE DUCK, SEAL and THE TALKING RAINBOW COLOURED FLYING FAIRY PONY-BEAR.

I of course, was the ever glamourous Reindeer with the sexy antlers.

After about half a million orgasms between us four, we finally left the place with a gallon of chendol in our bellies.

More stories will be told once I manage to digest the food.

lawyers say the darndest things

Charles: I have a glue gun at home.

JY: Why do you have a glue gun at home?

Luke: So when he takes it out, he can go up to people and say, "STICK 'EM UP!" Get it? *smiles smugly*

***An awkward silence ensues***

Of aeroplanes and pigeons

I realise I have this little problem.

Whenever I arrange to meet up with friends, it's not without a tinge of panic and worry. Contrary to popular belief, this isn't about clothes, skin, hair etc. Neither is this about the meeting going to be weird, or boring.

It's about the cancellation of the entire outing altogether. It grows and eats at me as the hour draws closer to the appointed time. Like a cancerous tumour, it swells to immense size and threatens to blot out all excitement at meeting up with friends.

"What if they suddenly can't make it?"

"What if I get there and I realise I'm alone?"

WORSE OF ALL:

"What if I'm on the way there and they suddenly tell me they cannot make it?"

These niggling little fears and worries suddenly catapult themselves at me, and more often than not, I find myself leaving my house looking just slightly greyer than ash.

The ensuing train ride does little to alleviate my concerns, either. Each station seems to signal that I'm one step closer to my doom, that is, I'll have no one to meet up with when I'm there.

Of course, all these worries often prove to be unfounded when I get there and I see my friends smiling at me, or listening to their music.

It's probably the reason why I hate waiting for friends so much. I have a fundamental inability to believe their words when they say... "Hey sorry melv I'll be a little late." It's not the lateness that matters. It's my unmanageable fear that they'll eventually tell me to go ahead by myself because they've been caught up with something and can't meet up with me today.

It probably kinda sounds weird. But grandmothers are like that I suppose.

quotable quotes 2

Lest ye think one piece of conversation is insufficient proof, here's more!

I say:
I SAID ORGASMIC IN FRONT OF MY BOSS

I say:
Luke (another lawyer): ORGASMIC?!

I say:
me: err. *laughs nervously*

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
you should stare at luke

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
WHY? YOU DUNU WHAT IT FEELS LIKE AH?

I say:
OMG

I say:
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I say:
YOU ARE TURNING INTO ME

I say:
OMG

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
SHIT!!!!

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
zhan will be dismayed

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
THIS CONVERSATION NEVER HAPPENED

I say:
WAHAHAHAHAH TOO LATE I SHALL TELL HIM

I say:
IN FACT I SHOULD BLOG THIS

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
OHMYGOD

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
*tries to breathe*

quotable quotes

Man, I do have some kind of effect on people.

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
chee cheong fun!!!

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
the nice aunty not working today

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
stupid other aunty didnt want to gimme extra sauce

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
HEN TIAN LE!!!! TAI TIAN BU HAO CHIIIIIII *sulk*

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
then now my ccf not orgasmic

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
stupid aunty

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
DEPRIVE ME OF MY ORGASM

*moments later, the lightning bolt of enlightement strikes!*

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
YOU ARE POLLUTING ME!!!!!!!!

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING????????

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
WHO AM I TURING INTO??????

★ jojo; i'm damn fricking hungry. are you food??? says:
YOU!!!!!!!!

stay away, you stranger

What I can say is that you live your life, and no matter how many strangers try to convince you otherwise, it truly is your life.

Sure, maybe you will feel conflicted at times, "am I living it right?". But the important thing is to know here that you were never condemned in the way strangers say you are. You were never created to be condemned by others, because that would be a pointless existence, would it not?

At the root of everything, is Love. Love forms the basis and is the crux of Creation. Why would He create something he didn't love?

Hundreds of years ago, someone arbitrarily decided that you needed to regulate yourself. Who knows whether they were truly right, or flawed in their decision? I have very "enthu" (for lack of a better term) people telling me that it is all Man-made, and everything thus far has been an interpretation of what they think is right.

I'm not trying to justify things for you, to make you feel better, or to make it seem like, Hey! I'm not screwing up! I'm just attempting to point out that there remain many grey areas right now, and for someone to pretend things are in black and white, is simply irresponsible.

Find out about it yourself. Search libraries, search online, look for sources. Do all this, of course, after your exams and you feel you have time for your emotions. Make your own readings, and make your own... opinions.

You learn about blurring the boundaries of reality, surely now you can reverse what you've learnt, and impose clarity on yourself.

Just remember that I'm still right here. Lol. With my own skewed version of events.

impossibility

From one, to another.

"I don't think we should be together. I don't think we can. But that doesn't mean I don't like you. I do."

The Big Fat Quiz Law Includes:- lawyers- judges- government- police- criminal law - detectiveYou are an intuitive person who admires honesty and likes to get to the bottom of things. Your negative qualities may be that you are nosy, pestering, and argumentative. You'd be perfect in a law career because you are a good debater, a good listener and an observer of details.

Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

happyhappyhappy

Someone told me they wouldn't read my blog cos it's unhappy. So here goes.

happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy.
happy.
happy.
happy. happy.
happy.
happy.
happy. happy. happy.
happy. happy. happy. happy. happy.
happy. happy. happy. happy. happy.
happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy. happy.

that any better? =)

It's the way you make me feel.



It's always been a favourite song in my secondary school days. SLing and I would sing together, I think.

It's the things that you do
It's the things that you say
You know I can't resist
Boy it's such a shame
That you belong to another

I don't wanna hurt nobody
But my heart just can't hold back:

It's the way you make me feel
Spinning my world around
Tell me
How can I walk away?
I don't care what they say
I'm loving you anyway
It's the way you make me feel.

I'm gonna make you mine
(It's not impossible)
Gotta let you know
(I'm irresistible)
Baby can't you see
You're the one for me
But you belong to another.

Totally satisfies my sweetooth, bubblegum pop.

pink rabbits they float by.

Weird dreams stay away.

I found myself in a swimming pool, surrounded by lush greenery, a beautiful sky with a blazing sun. Strangely, I did not feel myself getting sunburnt.

As I floated lazily in the pool, I became aware of a pair of eyes watching me intently. I turned, to find myself face to face with a pink dolphin smiling cheekily at me. With a little squeak and a flap of its tail, the dolphin swam around me, as if inspecting its latest treasure.

I also became aware of a loud engine spoiling the serenity of the scene. That noise came from a nearby jetski, with two laughing adults making straight for us.

My dolphin was unperturbed by all the noise, instead it put on a little show for the adults, hopping and skipping as if all this were just another performance. Her audience (don't ask me how I knew it was female) hooted and clapped appreciatively as she wheeled all about the pool.

In the midst of all the noise, I noticed a little girl by the side of the pool, looking with naked longing at the dolphin. As if our minds were twinned, the dolphin saw her too, and she dove right for the little girl, who squealed with delight.

The little girl was slowly, but surely being seduced by the gentle magic and charm of my dolphin, and before long, she was happily splashing about in the pool, laughing away. Her obvious delight took my heart away.

The sun continued its merry journey, her rays glistening off the waters, and all was merry, merry.

Finally, I rested my gaze upon the coach who taught me the basics of swimming so many years ago. Around him were eager little children, chattering away excitedly as they pointed at the winsome little girl who by now, was diving and swimming as surely as my dolphin.

Every sweet dream has its bitter ending, and mine came none too soon, with the insistent clanging of my alarm clock.

kiss me; wait for me.

And so I sit there, as my grandaunt stepps up to the coffin, the resting bed of her husband. Looking more tired than ever, she whispers to him...

"John, I love you."

Then she looks up and notices me watching her with teary eyes. She smiles, and says...

"Melvyn, Lao Ku no more already."

destroy!

It's awesome knowing you wield such power over your bosses. Apparently Shaun, a lawyer, is frightened of what I'm doing to my boss, Winnie.

Shaun: *peers into Winnie's office* What's going on?

Me: I'm her new grandmother.

Shaun: So you're actually clearing her mess up for her?

Me: Yeah. I couldn't stand the fact that she was working in a dustbin.

Shaun: You should see my desk then. Winnie's is nothing.

*We go over to his room*

Me: What is this? A landfill? *looks about speculatively*

Shaun: *defensively* It's much better already. Before this there were 3 mountains of paper. Now just one. *Smiles encouragingly*

Me: *raises eyebrow* Any more excuses?

Shaun: *dawning horror* You know it's okay. You don't have to clean up my desk for me. I'm fine with it. Really.

Me: But I'm not fine with it.

Shaun: *panicks* No no! Really it's okay! Uh I think you better help Winnie now. Thank God you're not my secretary.

Me: Things have a way of happening Shaun. *smiles sagely*

Shaun looked like as though Judgment day had come upon him the last I saw him.

That guardian angel.

我不会怪你 对我的伪装
天使在人间是该藏好翅膀
人们愚蠢鲁莽而你纤细善良
怎能让你 为了我被碰伤

没有谁能把你抢离我身旁
你是我的 专属天使
唯我能独占
没有谁能取代你在我心上
拥有一个 专属天使
我哪里还需要 别的愿望

and this is why you stay.

all falls down

You need to stop ignoring me.

You need to stop ignoring me before I cannot take it anymore.

You aren't a child. You made three of your own.

You didn't make me to ignore me.

the fourth commandment.


"Melvyn, before you start imagining things, I want to tell you first ah. I did not purposely search your bag. It was because you left it on the floor in your room, then I see you work until so tired so I thought I will help you clear your bag and that's when I found whatever was inside your bag. I did not purposely search your bag so you don't imagine I was looking at your things."

*****

"As the owner of this house, I have every right to look into your belongings. As long as you place a single item in this house I can have the right to look at it. Why? Because this house belongs to me. It's the same in your job. If your boss feels like looking in your bag, he can do it, because it's his office. Same as here."

*****

"Melvyn, I'm only advising you, and I'm trying to be as rational as I can here. But IF (emphasis not added by the writer) you can avoid them, then by all means, avoid them. It's fine if you want to be friends with them, it's fine if you want to go out in a group with , but if you go one on one that's a definite No. I'm only advising you here, but it's best if you avoid them altogether."

*****

"You can tell me that you're only friends with them, but can you tell me that it will stay that way always? How can you prove it to me that you will never end up with one of them? I'm only trying to help you here, and I repeat once again that the problem can be solved if you avoid them altogether."

*****

"It's not about whether you feel stupid having to avoid them, or what they might feel. It's about whether you have the determination to do it. Whether you have the willpower to stay away from them. I'm not asking you to choose your friends. I'm asking you to stay away from them."

*****

"You sing in church every Sunday. Of us all you stand closest to God. How can you sing in church and still be together with one of them?"

*****

"XXXX has finally opened up to me. We talk about everything, and he tells me everything that goes on in his life. Everything. And I'm so proud of him for doing so. So it's time for you to wake up. It's time for you to open up to us. It's time for you to communicate with us. You must trust us, we know what's best for you."

*****

bigotry

I never knew you were such a racist. I thought you could not tolerate the idea of a girlfriend like that. But now you tell me that you cannot even tolerate a single article of theirs in the house. In your words, it's either return the items, or throw them away.

You don't even care how much the item is worth, because to your jaundiced eyes, as long as it came from them, it's worthless, even if it were spun out of gold.

I know now it's too late to change your mind and reeducate you. One can hardly heal a wound that's left to fester for 51 years. It's either left there, to continue rotting and to eventually consume all that you are, or it's chopped off, amputated, removed.

Frankly, you disgust me.

confusion

Sure, I understand the need to score readership points with some form of controversy, but this is approaching illogical.

Pte Joe Foo died while he was doing his 7th chin up during a routine exercise. Probably the morning 5 Basic Exercises Warm Up routine. This would suggest exertion of some sort which may have caused his heart to give up on itself for one reason or the other.

It is also true that it would have been COMPLETELY wrong for him to do it if he were on medical leave, which he was.

But I read the article again, when I realized it said, he was on medical leave for a hamstring strain, which to me would seem like it would have nothing to do with the rest of his body.

Why make things worse for the beleaguered SAF by including in the news article that he was on Att B for a hamstring strain?

quotable quotes

It's been some time since I produced one.

Gerald, on me leaving for my studies:

"Wow. I can't get used to four years without you man. Four years without a slut from hell."

daydream

When you walk by, every time
Talking sweet and looking fine
I get kinda hectic inside.
I'm so into you
Darling if you only knew
All the things that flow thru my mind

But it's just a sweet fantasy baby
When I close my eyes
You come in and take me
So deep in my daydreams
But it's just a sweet sweet fantasy

Images of rapture
Creep into me slowly
As you crawl into my head
And my heart beats faster
When you take me over
Time and time again

But it's just a sweet fantasy.

-Mariah Carey-

holy words

I'm looking for attention
Not another question:
Should you stay or should you go.

Well if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standing here?
Just walk away.
-this is dedicated to you, O Disciple of She-who-is-Darkness.

omgwtfbbqyipi

I want to scream. There's so much in me. But nooooooo, I have to remain silent for the greater good. And probably for the benefit of staying alive too, but that's besides the point.

'Tis unfair. Why do I have to stay quiet. Why isn't it my turn to blab. Just my luck I think.

If i told you that this song was meant for you, would you believe me?
It may not sound as beautiful as other songs.

You may not know that love songs can't be written if we can't feel love
but for you, sweetheart it all came out easily.

You may have heard thousands of love ballads;
Some may touch your heart though they mean nothing to you.
But you know when you listen to this song, it was meant just for you.

You would know in your heart what i meant when I said:
We would be there for each other.


Let the song play while we're walking together
All I hear is just the voice of you and me
We'll be together while we can
As mentioned in the poetry
That where is love, there is always hope
Your love has lightened up my heart
You are my destiny

Love holds up many truths to look at
and i have wasted my lifetime looking for them
but not so long ago
i realized when i get close to you
if my life is a rhythm
youre the beautiful lyrics to this song that has touched my heart.

-----------

This was loosely translated from a Thai song. The movie from which it came from made me cry harder than I've had in some time.

Into a strange new place.

Yippee. Today marks my virgin day at work. Wong Partnership, Corporate (Mergers & Acquistions).

I know, it sound glamourous doesn't it? I wish it were half as fun as it sounded high and mighty.

I mean, I feel like I'm around shit-faced farmers who are rearing their shit-faced horses in the stables. Everyone seems to be pulling a long face, except for one smiley young lawyer. I'm not even sure why they're pulling long faces! I mean, is there someone standing behind you with a whip?

Sure, the air conditioning is set at "let's-freeze-them-horses-asses" degrees Celsius, and sure, maybe mares don't get along well with each other, but seriously, frown much?

Another thing. When I first entered the place, I was almost tempted to make the sign of the cross and genuflect at the nearest tabernacle. Only I caught myself as I was half kneeling to realise that hey wait a second, this isn't Wong Catholic Church, this is Wong Partnership.

What's with the silence? The hushed voices, the LACK OF MUSIC AND COMMUNICATION? Would it kill you to speak above a whisper I can barely hear? The best part? Silence breeds deafness. I speak softly to another colleague, and she goes, "har? what you saying?"

But then, it's been an interesting day. =)

say goodbye.

Everything seems to have come to a head. I feel mentally unprepared, but the truth of it is facing me anyway.

I'm officially a civilian in less than 12 hours.

All I've done for the past two years, will mean nothing, save for a slight increment in my starting pay. But is that all I've really taken away?

For two years, I've donned the (now about to be changed) green. I've toiled, and done some of the most (apparently) meaningless jobs. Yet, I would be thanked for playing my role in defending the nation from an invisible threat.

Well... whoever you are, you're welcome. I think.

But I've made new friends. Friends I would never have met except through Changi Air Base. It's where I spent my final year, and it's where my closest "army friends" have been found.

In a strange way, I feel like I'm leaving a whole slice of me behind. Two whole years, lost just like that. Two whole years in which I could have completed half my university education. Two whole years in which I could have worked my way up the employment chain.

Instead, here I stand, right at the beginning.

There's no more anger, no more raging against the almighty and powerful. There's just a lingering bitterness that I suspect will never entirely go away. A final sense of unfairness at putting the oft-times uncaring nation above the loved self.

Why me right? That most self-pitying question? I've given up asking.

I can't look backwards anymore.

This chapter has reached its long-awaited ending.

touch, love, leave.

"Remember when you asked me what I was thinking about all the time when I was with you? Here's what's been on my mind. I've been wondering about how much I can trust you, and how much I can afford to risk.

You say I'm your number one, and that logically means there's a number two, three and four. And I know that that's true. What I don't know is, just how far the gap is between us all.

I want you to know right now that I'm not comfortable with being a competitor. I'm not just another charm you hang on your charm bracelet. I cannot deal with having to compete for someone's affections. I'm not a stupid dog clamouring for your affection.

I need to know I can trust you. I need to know you won't run away the moment I fall in love with you."

---------------------

"Why did you do that for? Did you forget what I texted you the other day? I said, 'don't walk away from me. not now.'

Why did you run away just now? I thought I told you I could take care of myself? Why do you feel like you have a fucking responsibility to take care of me? I can fucking look out for myself. What happened just now was consensual. You said yes, and I said yes as well.

Did you think my words were meaningless? You think I don't matter? It's always about how you fail to take care of me, how you're the fucking heartbreaker, how you're the wrong fucking person to fall in love with.

You you you. Well fuck you. Can you not be so fucking selfish for once?

Can you look at me? And tell me that you want me to stay? Please?

Could you please, not walk away from me?"

confirmation

Sis, you are many things to me, but there's one thing you will never be.

And that's an adverse idiot. Not even if anyone else thinks you are.

LOL

and you walk away...

I hate witnessing my friends leave for their studies. First it was Suat Ling, then it was Darren. All of a sudden, I'm faced with Zhan Hao's impending departure as well, not to mention Darryl's in December.

It's this sudden break that I can't tolerate. A physical distance that's put between us can't be breached as easily as I want it to.

Don't worry Zh. In the words of Mariah, I will hunt you down.Soon.

i feel you.

"Elizabeth", you have so much to tell me I'm going to murder you if somebody else finds out first. I love you so much it hurts to see you hurt. And no, we're not talking the love my mother hopes to see.

--------------------------------------

I didn't ask to be a bitch. I didn't want to have to be nasty to you, you stupid fool. But you're doing things the wrong way, and I can hardly find it in my heart to right things. Then again, it doesn't look like you're willing to listen after all, whether it's because you're purely obstinate, or just too comfortable with that line on your shoulder.

The way things are going, I sense that you will make life harder for me than any of the others, simply because I refuse to bend to your whims and fancies. And I still refuse to be your silly puppet like the others just because you outrank me.

--------------------------------------

Right. Long overdue, but it's over. Words haven't really been exchanged, and I don't know how. I still feel like I want you, but I know really, that's a waste of my time. I mean seriously, it barely fulfills my need and desire.

After all, I only have so much left and I can't afford to waste it.

and another one kicks it.

On Saturday, a friend of mine got married. 23 years of age, comfortable in her skin, and now a wife.

Seriously, I cannot imagine it. The entire situation felt as if we were years too young for such an event to occur. The friends you thought you wouldn't see again suddenly gathered around one table. Talking, laughing, remembering old stuff.

Naturally, we also compete in subtle little ways like... who's gotten fatter, who's gotten themselves ahead in work/education/bedwiththehottestthangintown.

But I digress.

The point of the matter is that we seem a little too young for this. We don't look ready for this, not in the slightest, but yet we primp and prepare like it's the one thing we're meant to do.

Lili, I hope to God that this is what you're meant for.

And if you're not not, I hope to God you have strong legs to run like hell.

damn it G, where are you?

I've been unwell the entire week, and it's been no fun. A fever, days of feeling dizzy and weak, and this strange sense that I'm letting the world float by.

It's with a feeling of horror that I realise I haven't felt for the G in a week. Even the calls have lessened. I mean yeah, sure, it saves me money, but that's not the point here now is it?

There's no way I'm about to let you slip away from me so easily. Luck didn't throw me an angpow only for me to rip it apart without checking how much money there is inside.

G, you're mine.

sing your way home

It's roughly 6am, and here I sit awake. I'm about to go take a shower and prepare to head off towards camp, where, incidentally, I will be deprived of sleep.

I should have slept earlier, but I sort of only reached home at 430am in the longest, dreariest cab ride ever. There was no music (my mp3 died on me), no conversation (the driver might have been mute for all I knew), and nobody else with me (whatever happened to hot cab sex LOL? =P)

I'm so glad to see you guys again, T, E, C, D. I really needed this de-stress session, even if you guys couldn't see it. I promise I'll try not to melt away into thin air for months like I did this time.

The very idea of the mounting schedule in camp makes me want to scream and hurl, in no particular order. Camp, is no longer the shiok little heaven I'd envision it to be. Whatever happened to those happy days of me doing 2 duties a day in emplacements people would claw each other for?

Suddenly I'm facing spending more time awake doing duty than lying flat on my back, on that lump of springs I call my bed.

I don't even blame the ORD-ing personnel for not wanting to come back. They've been doing this for the better part of a year and a half. They deserve to rest their feet at home, even if they're wondering what to do most of the time anyway.

I only wonder if I'll ever get the chance to escape the same way they did.

------------------------------------------

D.Pan has it going, but E, I don't think D.Pan is all that hot. I will, however, agree with your opinion D.Pan being the verbal thingy nonetheless.

------------------------------------------

K-ing, is therapy. Much as it allows me to bring back memories that I don't wish surfacing, it makes me feel better allowing those emotions to come forth, even for a little while.

-------------------------------------------

you don't know I stand there
you don't know I'm watching
you don't know I exist
you don't know how I feel

but it doesn't matter.
as long as you're happy
doing whatever you're doing.

-------------------------------------------

Finally, I've been gone for a while, haven't I? No message, no call, no appearance. Haven't been doing well, no, not at all. But it's not your fault. See, I'm under pressure from inside my house. And it's time like these when I'm wondering whether it's the beginning of the end.

The little fairytale fantasy has to end one day. I can't hold the sky up forever, and sure as hell, cracks are beginning to show.

I can't exactly bring myself to face you at this moment. I don't even know what to say. I'm scared as hell, and I don't know what I can do about it. Maybe there's even nothing I can do.

I'm trying to find a way out of this. I promise you I'll try my very best. But if I can't, then please, don't walk away from me.

I couldn't take it.

Yours,
bie
------------------------------------------

solve me own

Life's solution to annoying problems:

Coke
Chocolates
Hugging the toiletbowl

Nothing ever seemed more comforting.

fell in love... with a boy.

you bitches piss me off

You guys have had the high life for too long. You've been living like pampered princes in that little castle you call AETI.

You think you are safe. You think that you cannot be touched.

Well guess again. Shift 2 is silently waiting for you.

It's true. We have our limits. Maybe there are certain things that we aren't allowed to do but remember, everything has its loophole, and like the devious things we are, the loopholes WILL be found.

You can rejoice now, you can sleep easy.

But things will change, and they won't be for your benefit. Don't go crying and complaining to mommy. Don't go trying to post out to another unit. Has BMT taught you nothing but selfishness? Will bailing out and leaving your friends to suffer in worse fates make you feel any better?

That's the problem.

You people lack a conscience.

mastercard has no shit on me

Worrying about what to wear: 10 years added to my age.
Trying on clothes in semi-darkness at 2 in the morning: 10 years added again.

Realising I look oh-so-pretty...err I mean nice: priceless.

谢谢你。

Time and again you remind me that you came down into my world, and you sacrificed your highest value - your life - for me.

Thank you.

Time and again you remind me that no matter what I am, you still love me.

Thank you.

Time and again you remind me that no matter how unworthy I feel I may be, I am worth it to you.

Thank you.

argh.

maybe I might have been wrong all this while.
maybe I never truly forgot.
maybe I didn't want to.

maybe maybe maybe. bloody hell. If I were more certain of myself then perhaps I don't have to be such an arse to me.

and i look away.

I listen, you speak.
I turn away, you continue.
I feel horrible inside, you go on relentlessly.

Do you know what I'm really feeling,
Or is it that you truly are ignorant?

I don't want to hear anymore.
Please. It does me no good.
Neither does it do you any.

But I do want to listen.
It's my only link.
It's the only way I get to know anything.

I don't want to hate.

and the night passes him by

It's the middle of the night, and all appears dead. There remains nobody else around, and I stand alone, alone. When vision dims, hearing increases as if in compensation. Suddenly, I hear the sound of insects creeping about their business, the occasional car zipping by, and is that music I hear coming out from nowhere?

It's 4am, and there's nothing but dark, dark. At hours such as these, the mind turns inward on itself, as if from within a single bulb yet illuminates. I gaze about, and I notice a box labelled "FORGET" tucked away in a corner of my mind, lonely and unattended to.

No. Maybe I'll concentrate on the flies and cars and ghostly music instead.

dear mom

Maybe one day you'll read this.

I'm sorry for breaking your heart.

It's a joke. What part of of a joke do you not understand? Why must you threaten me by saying you will make my life miserable if she makes yours miserable? Why do you believe what you think you see and not what I say? Are my words any less reliable than your failing eyesight?

Do you not understand that I am in control of all the offence forms and if i choose to make paper aeroplanes out of them no one can stop me?

Why is it that I have to act even though I'm at home? Why do I have to play the role of the perfect son? Am I not allowed to make mistakes simply because he has made big enough ones? WHAT DOES BEING HUMAN MEAN? I am no angel, I do wrong things just like anyone else, but now I can't let you find out, because if you do, you will make my life miserable.

If you don't want me at home, please say so. I'll stay in camp the next 9 months if it'll make you happy. If it means that your life won't be miserable. I will do that for you. Then maybe you won't accuse me of being unfilial. Maybe I'll be a good boy after all. Maybe you don't have to tell me that you've given me too much liberty and have never interfered in my life.

Besides, am I not the "independent" one? The one who always knows what's right and wrong. The one who can be left alone. I can survive on my own, right? I don't need interference, right? I can't do wrong because I'm oh-so-mature, right?

I'm only 22. I still have so much of the world to see, and therefore so much to learn. If you want me to be the perfect son, won't you allow me to make mistakes and learn from them?

Notice how there aren't any vulgar words? I've refrained from using them, because you taught me so. Vulgar words are bad. So in this post dedicated to you, I've not used any.

Is that good enough? No, I think not. Because I shouldn't even post this in the first place. Because it will upset her, and therefore annoy you.

It's okay. I know I've done wrong in posting this. This post means I'm not being the perfect son with the perfect scores in all his exams.

Try benji instead. I'm a failure.

your touch your taste your tongue

Fell in love with you and everything that you are
Nothing I can do I'm really crazy about you
When you're next to me it's just like Heaven on Earth
Tell me that I'll always be the one that you want
Don't know what I’d do if I ever would lose you
Look at you and what I see is Heaven on Earth
I'm in love with you