don't need your false pretences

It's Christmas Eve, 2359, Holy Trinity Church. I am struck by suddenly, in the throng of a crowd, how alone I feel. A million souls, they babble around me, some even babbling at me, but there's a vital connection that's missing. It's as if a glass wall separates me from them.

I was promised I'd not spend my Christmas Day alone.
I was promised that my mind would be rocked.
I waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed?

You bodoh you. lol.
But it's aight.
I have everyone else in the world to look forward to!

Doo dee dum. I wonder what the new year will bring?

五月天



五月的天
刚诞生的夏天
我们之间
才完成的爱恋
紧握的手里面
有好多明天

It's december now, should I be saying 十二月的天 instead?

i dont know him anymore

You don't care about what happens to me
Did you ever?
I think you did but you must have given up;
You must have forgotten how.

You don't talk to me like you used to.
Was it all a dream?
You must have moved on;
You always said you hated change.

You don't seem to think I exist.
Is that how you really feel?
I must be like so much carbon dioxide
Unneeded, unwelcome, unwanted.

So now I want you to hate me.
I want you to detest me.
I want you to be disgusted with me.

That's the only way I know if I exist in your life at all.

Maybe I'm In Love




But I don't think so
Maybe I definitely know
Why do I keep fooling myself
Why can't I let go?

This is not like me
But now I definitely see
That maybe, maybe I'm in love.

Don't be stingy I'm a growing er... person?



Now more than ever I seem to be identifying with this song. Lord help mine fast becoming overweight soul.

warm my heart and make me feel

I just finished watching Lovely Complex, this anime about high school romance.

I admire the lead girl's courage, going after the one boy that would attract all ridicule, never giving up in trying to win his love.

Now that the show is over, and that she's with him and they've graduated, I can't help but feel this hollow pit in my heart.

Love can be so complicated sometimes.

WELCOME TO 2ND CHANCE WHERE WE STOCK THE CLOTHES OF YOUR DREAMS

Tell me what is not quite right with this picture. =)

and you wonder why?

This is why I hate staying at home for an extended period of time.

I hate it when you search my cupboards looking for contraband items. Do I have to live like I'm in the fucking army when I'm home as well?

I hate it when you say that we don't need privacy even in our own homes. I hate it when you say why should we need privacy if we have nothing to hide. Woman, what makes you think we don't?

I hate it when I look at my pathetic bed at home and then I remember you saying that since I'm not at home most of the time I don't need a proper bed. Am I not entitled to even a proper bed as a son of the family? The one who's the most hardworking, the one you worry about least. Even my friend is appalled.

I hate it when you accuse me of spending money like water when all I've spent on myself are movies and eating out. Have I bought any clothes? Have I bought any accessories for myself? Were you there when I went shopping with Grace yet didn't buy a single thing knowing my own financial situation?

I hate it when you say I didn't contribute a damn thing to your birthday. I hate it that I actually did and you think I didn't. Thanks.

I hate it when you ask me to buy random treats for you and him. When I actually did it the response was that you thought I had something up my sleeve. An ulterior motive. So why the hell should I continue providing random treats if all you think is negative stuff about me?

I hate it that you purposely place the pressure on me, saying that you don't have to worry about me because you know that I can study. Half the time now I wish to fail whatever I undertake just to piss you off. But I know that would be detrimental to my own future.

But it's all right. You're mom. You're the one who gave birth to me. You're the one who expended all those funds bringing me up for 21 years of my life. It's only right that you expect something back from me. It's only right that I don't need a private space at home. It's only right that I don't need a bed. I mean c'mon, beds are expensive right? Why spend extra on the one who's never home anyway?

Keep a note of all the money you spend on me okay? I'll remember to pay it back once I get a job.

Then tell me if I still owe you anything, because you fucking break my heart everytime you bring that up.

why do you want to screw us over?

It seems Shift 2 is in a bit of a predicament.

Do we try to make peace, or do we screw our superiors over? To tell the truth, who screwed whom in the first place?

In the first place, we were accused by a superior from Shift 1 of having scribbled on a notice. Strangely enough, our own superiors believed their counterparts instead of their own men, even though on that day itself, personnel from Shift 1, from FDS HQ, and a whole host of other nameless ones were present.

Yet, Shift 2 gets the blame. All this, for reasons unknown.

Then today another bomb chose to explode. Someone ratted on our superiors and what they should have been doing and failed to do.

Guess who got the blame? Why, blame it on Shift 2 of course! Who else would rat on their superiors but Shift 2? Who cares if Shift 2 has no motivation for ratting?

We are a unique bunch of people. There is CLEARLY no mens rea, yet the verdict is that we are still guilty. Worse yet, our superiors are not even sure if we were the ones who did it, hence, actus reus is not proven beyond reasonable doubt either.

They tell us that they are disappointed in us. They threaten us and say "since we want to play by right with us, we shall play by right with you right back." (Of course, the English has been cleared up to allow you non-SAF humans to understand.)

Guess what Sarges? What makes you think we aren't disappointed in you either? Anyone so much as accuses us and you believe their accusation like it's the bible truth? Whatever happened to loyalty? What ever happened to looking at the facts?

Someone says jump and you ask how high?

Frankly, you guys disgust me.

But it's okay, just blame it on us. We are like sponges, we absorb your frustration like sponges absorb water.

Just remember that sponges will release the same amount of water they absorb when squeezed.

i love to see u pee on us tonight

tempt me not oh sweet succubus

Everybody has their own weakness, an Achilles heel, a point at which they lose control.

It just so happens mine is shopping and food.

Before I make a wild grab for my wallet, I always tell myself that whatever I'm looking at isn't worth considering because:

a) I'm full
b) I'll find something better than what I'm looking at

My resolve stays firm, and I congratulate myself on my self-control.

But what happens when I do find that better something that I said I'd find? I can't possibly use the same excuse right? It's only right that I follow my reasoning, and happily purchase it!

Shopping and eating are like aphrodisiacs. As I indulge in either activity, I find myself growing steadily happier, almost as if I'm topping up a tank of happy juice. I could start off feeling like shit, but by the end of one session, I can't imagine a happier.

That's just it. I can't give up on something that makes me happy.

It's okay. It really is. Somehow.

下着雨
让尘气稀释回忆
我靠着你不出声音

看着你
看着斑驳的甜蜜
爱你困住你也困住我自己

我那躲也躲不掉的微妙伤口
隐隐作痛
你那戒也戒不掉的甜蜜借口
也让我精神腐朽

说你爱我
变成一种问候
不如趁早放手
把爱坠落
让满地鲜红
说你爱我
变成一种折磨
不用陪我走到最后
我承担不起你的承诺

下着雨让尘气稀释回忆
我靠着你不出声音

看着你
看着斑驳的甜蜜
爱你困住你也困住我自己

我那躲也躲不掉的微妙伤口
隐隐作痛
你那戒也戒不掉的甜蜜借口
也让我精神腐朽

说你爱我变成一种问候
不如趁早放手
把爱坠落
让满地鲜红

说你爱我
变成一种折磨
不用陪我走到最后
我承担不起你的承诺

说你爱我
变成一种问候
不如趁早放手
把爱坠落
让满地鲜红

说你爱我
变成一种折磨
不用陪我走到最后
我承担不起你的承诺

说你爱我
变成一种问候
不如趁早放手
把爱坠落
让满地鲜红

说你爱我
变成一种折磨
不用陪我走到最后
我承担不起你的承诺

i miss my bedsheets

It's been seven days since I was allowed to leave camp. All because of a camera phone with certain photos in it.

Seven days of eating SFI, of facing the same walls, of facing the same people. Of course it's not the first time that I've been in a camp for seven days, but that doesn't mean I wish to repeat such a feat on a regular basis, if at all.

I miss my computer.
I miss my bedsheets.
I miss the feel of my home.
I miss my family.
I miss porn. I mean... DotA. LOL

won't you look at me just once?

You know everything that I'm afraid of
You do everything I wish I did
Everybody wants you, everybody loves you
I know I should tell you how I feel
I wish everyone would disappear
Everytime you call me, I'm too scared to be me
And I'm too shy to say:

I've got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that I do
I get a rush when I'm with you
Ooh I got a crush on you


You know I'm the one that you can talk to
Sometimes you tell me things that I don't want to know
I just want to hold you
And you say exactly how you feel about her
And I wonder, could you ever think of me that way

Ooh I wish I could tell somebody
But there's no one to talk to
Nobody knows
I've got a crush on you

sawadeekap fuckers!

I love Thailand
Cheaper clothes
Cheaper shades
Cheaper shoes
Cheaper bags
Cheaper BK
BK Pork Burger!!
A&W
Baiyoke Sky Hotel Chinese Buffet *orgasms*
Polite everyone
Cuties
Hotties *salivates*

I hate Thailand
Blank stares of incomprehension
Talking down
Dirty roads
Dirtier air
Deciding if the salesperson is female or not
Fish sauce
Tuktuks
Conversion of currency

There were unintended moments of hilarity. Here's an example:

Me: Hi

Security Guard (SG): Sawadeekap

Me: Do you know what time is the last BTS?

SG: ???

Me: Time. Last BTS. Train. Last one? *makes pathetic-looking gestures*

SG: Oh. *pauses to collect thoughts and translate them to english*

SG: You go straight and turn left. *smiles dazzlingly*

sexy never left

Maybe I should clear the air a little before more misunderstandings occur. I'm pretty sure this will be read eventually anyway.

You have every right to be disgusted. Disgusted with how wrong you are, I mean. The fat bastard is not what you believe him to be, as much as you hate to admit otherwise. He is nothing more than a friend, a brother, someone I choose to acquaint myself with.

Of course, in your own twisted way of thinking, I'm probably typing a whole load of bullshit that may not even appear as English.

It's up to you to decide or not whether you trust what I say. But I will maintain here that you are totally wrong and that I am telling the truth.

Besides, he's not the reason why I'm not talking anymore to you.

It's because I didn't want to waste anymore of my life than I already did.

fish out of water

This time last night I was seated at the mahjong table happily collecting my funds for survival. Make no mistake, I wasn't losing.

Everything seemed good. I wasn't perspiring, the air was cool, people were generally in good spirits.

Then I realised something wasn't going quite right. I was breathing as if I was running a marathon.

Speaking was impossible; I didn't have enough air to spare. Laughing or singing became a near fatal experience. I tried continuing with the game for the next half hour, only to realise that I was going to faint.

My antidote? Propranolol and Xanex. Somehow, a beta blocker and a tranquilizer worked to help me get enough oxygen in my blood again.

It wasn't a comfortable feeling. I felt as if my head was held in a plastic bag, slowly suffocating to death. Literally, I was a fish out of water, gasping away.

My only solution was to maintain a sense of calm. Think monks in a monastery calmly caressing prayer beads and deep in meditation. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat and never cease the pattern or risk keeling over at the table.

Of course, I'm better now.

But I'm just waiting for the next attack to rob me of my breath.

roll over and play dead

I feel happier these few days. Lighter. Like I'm free. Free as a bird.

On the other hand, I do not need taming. Is this some kind of not so subtle suggestion as to which direction I should be headed with in my life? Are you hinting that I should change to benefit you and your ilk?

Then you said maybe I was being trained. Am I some kind of animal that you teach tricks and skills to amuse you and all your people with?

We are obviously not the same, you and I. Do you have to behave like as though my difference makes me less of a human? Like the colour of my skin determines whether I am a barbarian or not? What makes you think you are any purer than I am? Because you face north a couple of times a day?

I do what I wish to do, regardless of whether you like it or not. Go ahead, sit somewhere else, because I'm not about to budge.

I don't dislike you, I really don't.

I just dislike the words that you used on me.

foreboding

Be thus warned. I am going to have a bowl of extra strength bitchy for breakfast. Don't even think annoying me you idiots.

Argh.

attn: you
To whom it may concern
re: me

I know you're probably going to read this. My gut tells me so. I see no reason to believe otherwise anyway.

Here's what I have to say regarding me. You may choose to think and look for inferences in the following where you will, but I strongly suggest that you do not because then you only fuck yourself and then you'll fuck me too. At odd hours of the day to boot. And fucking around only increases risk of HIV, thinkest thou not?

I work in a very strange way. When discussions are held, I am often asked to speak my mind. I am often told to be honest, truthful, frank, and to hold nothing back. I know, the first three words have the same meaning but I thought I'd use all three to get through to you.

Being honest, truthful and frank has never helped a situation. Oft times, it will end up with someone getting angry, or getting pissed, or getting sad and then crying. Why let things end that way when there is the possibility of satisfaction?

(If I'm going to be asked for an example of such an event occurring, then I will say that I am not a history textbook. My memory probably has better things to do than documenting things like that.)

I do not speak my mind in its entirety. Most of the time, I have always held something back, almost like some auntie gripping the last of her notes before she hands them over to a conman selling her a magic stone. No, I do not believe you to be a conman, swindler, charlatan, or any profession howsoever related, selling me a magic stone, however you may choose to interpret that analogy. Neither am I an auntie.

***
what does this tell you about our conversation dated september 04 2007? ha. ha. ha.
***

Why do I do that? I'll endeavour to explain. It's like a form of security, knowing that I have not said everything I wished to say, and therefore I am not completely vulnerable to you and/or your words. I hate being vulnerable, and I often seek ways to prevent myself from feeling that way, even at the expense of other people's feelings.

You may choose to think it's a part of my education, always seeking some form of protection for myself. You may even view it as a high wall around what you choose to believe is the real me.

But that's hardly my problem now is it?

Let's put it this way, I'm like this around people I've known for ten years, and you expect me to be any different around you when I've known you for less than two months?

You probably think I'm pissed, irritated, angry, annoyed or some emotion to that effect. Here's the truth: I'm not any of the above. I am merely taking this opportunity to inform you about my position. Should you choose to take any offence at what I might have said, implied, inferred or otherwise stated, then tell me and I'll patiently listen.

You're probably even wondering why I chose this medium of expression. The following are my reasons:

a) I happened to have Blogger opened.
b) An sms of this length is stupid. What's the point of calling it sms then?
c) If I had to say all this, I probably would have left out bits and pieces again, as is my wont to do so.

In the same breath, I realise that I sound very artifical and emotionless. Well, too bad.

Yours faithfully,
Melvyn
-------------------------------------------

I foresee an inundation of messages asking me just who the fuck I'm talking to. Honestly, it's none of your damn business. Just be happy that it's not you.

No, I will not spill. And that's that.

big blond and beautiful

I know now how easy it is to gain weight.

Recently, I've lost a measure of control over the quantity of food I'm consuming. Suddenly, I'm eating at least twice as much during lunch, and dinner never seems enough either. The most recent supper was a nightmare.

Think $4 fried kway teow and more than half a packet of carrot cake. As if that wasn't enough, I went to sleep an hour after that. For 10 hours.

It feels like I'm being drowned by gluttony. I see and I want and I crave and I must have it. It's like I've lost any form of discipline over my appetite.

But I know that I must regain this "discipline". I won't allow myself to eat mindlessly, as tempting and as enjoyable as it is.

That's just it isn't it? Gorging is so addictive. It's so comforting for a reason I cannot fathom.

我愿意改变?

There are days that are up. And then there are days that aren't. I don't see a pattern in which I am happy or sad, it just happens as I live through each day.

I think I'm happy today. After all, why shouldn't I be?

I booked out of camp, I have a friend's birthday to celebrate, and my lovelife seems pretty steadygoing. My family seems content where we are, and I have nothing to worry about, save finances, which is a constant worry anyway.

But that's the problem. I think I'm happy.

Do I feel happy?

plug my gaps

It's been blank for a bit. But I have a movie to PROMOTE. Lol.

881 is probably the best movie I've seen this year.

It's local, and I think we can all relate to it in one way or another. There was great amounts of laughter with the crass (and yet funny) Hokkien dialogue, and then great amounts of tears with the amazingly sad songs.

I haven't cried like that at a movie since the Passion of the Christ. I probably unearthed parts of me I'd kept buried under a loose layer of stoicity.

You Are 39% Pure

Pure? Sure, you're about as pure as yellow snow. You're a downright devil. But you're also a pretty delightful one!

The 100 Question Purity Test

You Are a Pinky

You are fiercely independent, and possibly downright weird.A great communicator, you can get along with almost anyone.You are kind and sympathetic. You support all your friends - and love them for who they are. You get along well with: The Ring Finger Stay away from: The Thumb

/a>

long time no see..

I've made a couple of new friends in this month. Strange how we met. But who's complaining?

Something struck me as I woke up this morning, and it's best put in this analogy: I enjoy running about too much to want to sit down on a chair.

But I know I will get tired from all this running about.

-----------------

I don't want you to think that I'm making use of you for your wallet or what. I want you to know it's not that, but I fail to get it across because my mouth just can't open itself when I see you. Scared la. Lol.

quotable quotes.

Classic moment of stupidity while playing DotA

Me: Gee, got eaglehorn (a weapon) already.

Teammate: Who's gee?

see my ding dongs!!

http://www.mkop.com.sg/Photo/June07/Breathless/Photo.html

I'm on a website's photo album!

I'm also deprived. =)

belch and fart

Some time back we went out with Nuraini to Vivocity. Here're some of the pictures!!

omg

This is totally evil. Of all days and for all things to happen, my computer has to go crashing down into hell?

OMG THIS IS TOTALLY BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!!

How am I supposed to spend the remaining hours at home?

There must be a solution...

Sadly enough, I'm at some random cybercafe whiling my time away. Imagine, having to PAY for access to a computer. What nonsense is this?

Oh well. Beggars can't be choosers can they?

away we drift

Again, I am struck by how different we have become. Our tastes, our behaviour, our reactions to each other, and even the people who are present.

Social circles have seemingly blurred, and what was once clearly kept apart seems to have melted together a little, just for that night.

There's you, perenially complaining of boredom. Why show your face for her if you're complaining you're bored to someone else? What is she then? A trophy display you can't communicate with?

There's us. Ha. We don't talk anymore. How did things become like that?

There's them. Hanger-ons, appearing because the atmosphere requires a shot of extra testosterone, if nothing else. Why don't you people have the guts to simply say you don't want to be there because it's simply a waste of your time?

Where does everyone truly stand for the moment? Again, the lines are greyed. There are those who are detached, and there are those who try hard to make the night fun (and for that they are truly appreciated). There are also those who don't want to be there but simply appear for the sake of the birthday girl.

-------------------------------------------------

Why was I so annoyed that afternoon when Kit msged me to say that they were preparing finger food and calling Pizza (duly paid for by Mrs C)?

They didn't ask me that then, and if they had, I wouldn't have been able to answer. Instead, Kit apologised, and Suat persuaded me to bring my food anyway.

And I did. But it didn't feel like it meant anything anymore.

Is that why I got irritated? That the value of my contribution has been lessened because of the lack of effort on the part of others? That doesn't really seem like solid ground for any form of irritation does it?

That afternoon, I had just booked out, and straight after that rushed to the supermarket to get whatever I needed. Following that, I spent the next hour or two preparing and cooking, only to receive that message after everything was completed.

In that instant, I felt a flash of anger because it felt like I had worked harder than the rest, and for nothing. Why try so hard if all I needed to do was to fling a fish finger into the deep fryer? Or dial a couple of numbers for pizza? Why waste hours blending, chopping, boiling, and sweating?

Some don't eat spicy stuff.
Some feel there's nothing to eat it with ("But we bought baguettes!!")
There was so much food on the table anyway.

Maybe that's it.

quotable quotes

Alvin Kwok, ex-Law coursemate and present RP shiftmate.

"Hey, I don't know why, but my head feels a little tight."

-few seconds pass-

"Oh wait, it's my beret."

long schlong. get yours today.

I am in a strange mood today. Whimsical almost. I also made several discoveries.

1. Listening to Deliver Us (OST Prince of Egypt) is liable to bring tears to your eyes. At 3am.

2. Vanity, exists in army camps. (Trust me I'm in one anyway.)

3. Colleagues of mine speak about me behind my back. Apparently the hot topic is the clothes that I wear to camp. I love my colleagues.

4. I think I'm getting flabby from all the non-exercise.


---------------------

ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

I have been drafted into the Guard Of Honour contingent for RSAF Day. That's the day the Air Force celebrates itself.

Plus point, I wear the absolutely kinky No.1 uniform.

Minus points, it's bloody hot, the training is hell, I look forward to being charred like a turkey, and I'll ache.

alamak.

Should I pray for a miracle, or should I just get a job that pays?

Both have their pros and cons I suppose. The one biggest con I have is time. But seriously, why am I thinking that I do not have enough time to accomplish deeds?

Everytime I think about this, I start setting aims like, oh I have to have a degree by 27, a job by 28 and a kid by 30. Without these three aims, I will be deemed the useless and slow Singaporean.

Slow.

Everything seems to be about achieving your aim as fast as you can.

would you still be my friend?

I'm frustrated, that much I admit.

Why do I do the things I do? Why do I love to shop and buy so many articles of clothing and wear them all?

Why do I do all that for?

It's all in some futile attempt to be needed.

And yet when I finally get what I think I'm looking for, I end up being more frustrated than I've ever felt.

Incubus indeed.

at least for that little while i felt needed.
at least i made someone happy.

that also makes me a whore.

--------------------------------------

When push comes to shove, what will you choose?

To hide your love for your best friend and always exist as the "best friend" and nothing more, or to risk telling that person you love him/her, and then being told you will always be the best friend?

That's the subject of the movie I watched. Fucking heartbreaking.

how come nobody ever needed me the way he needed his best friend?

---------------------------------------

I choose to be different. The way I manifest my difference is apparent. Maybe it's leftover teenage angst, that decision to be different from the others.

quotable quotes

Arts Central brilliant show, Do Not Disturb.

Rodney: So you girls were talking about my penis?

Valerie: Of course! Then what did you think we were talking about all the time? Cross stitch?!

love with your soul

I was watching this particular anime show in camp when the actions of the lead character struck a note in my heart.

The poor boy was able to love the person of his dreams with all his might, all his heart and soul. Despite being constantly told to go away, and despite being aware of the great difficulties of the situation, he never gave up. Even when his lover ran away, he dropped everything to search for that person.

"I don't care about your past. I care only about you. I love you."

Is that what love is truly like?

"If you should run away from me again, I won't forgive you for that! I'll chase you down, I'll search everywhere for you. No matter what it takes, I'll find you. I love you..."

Is this the strength and depth we all aim to achieve in our relationships?

"I just want to love you... won't you let me?"

Love is like snow. It melts.

bite me

When everything seems bound up, a desperate love is found.

It's harsh, it's urgent.
It needs, it takes.

It burns like the hottest of fires.
It is raw.

It is animalistic, inhuman in its wicked pleasure.
Like a rutting pig.

It takes the breath away.
It strips off all pretence at tenderness.

It is a lone scream into the night.
It is a rush of sensations.

It is flesh on flesh.
It tears at the soul.

It is pure.
It doesn't waste time with being coy.

And I crave for it.

and we all look within

We all try our darndest to find the One within, that spiritual self, our God. The priests and they-who-are-devout say to steep our minds in prayer, in solitude, in quiet time. He sits there waiting for you to make that connection to him.

The truth? Life is hardly silent when you want it to be. That gentle whispering of His is so easily lost when the phone rings, or when the mp3 player blares its garish music.

Personal problems get in the way as well. We have troubles at work because that bitch of a boss is making life hell for you. The family unit stresses you out with its incessant demanding you spend more time at home and that you care more for them. Ensuring you have enough money to survive even a month can sometimes be the biggest headache of all.

All the more will the people-who-have-made-it urge you along the path towards finding the Lord above. He alone can ease your sufferings, He alone will help you along the nearly insurmountable hurdles you face. This is what the faceless mass chant at you endlessly.

But, was it not the same being who put those obstacles in your way? He seems distant, lost to you. Why would someone residing so far away (in heaven, no less) care?

Sometimes, when everything suddenly comes at a rush, it may get too hard to handle. That's when we all need a little escapism. Some resort to tears and crying. Others rely on alcohol and dancing the night away. Yet others escape within themselves, often appearing stoic to those around them.

A few will seek solace in God. Suddenly, that quiet lull in life's roar is found. Suddenly, the peace of the chapel seems inviting to the senses. Suddenly, that perfect prayer is found; raw and almost painful like freshly grazed knees, filled with frustration like a cup brimming with boiling water.

We lay bare our souls (something which we're almost too afraid to do anymore). Curling over on the pews, we allow ourselves a chance to crack, to cease pretence at being the strong pillar. Everything flows over, like a gushing river.

It feels... soothing, relaxing, almost therapeutic. He seems to listen, even if no one else will. It feels like He has His hands on your shoulders, comforting, easing, protecting.

If everyone has failed you, maybe, just maybe, He might be the one who won't.

We didn't make forever

we each have to go our separate ways
and now we're standing here helpless
looking for something to say

We've been together a long time
we never thought it would end
we were always so close to each other
you were always my friend

It's hard to say goodbye
It's hard to open up that door
When we're not sure what we're going for

We didn't want this to happen
But we shouldn't feel sad
We had a good life together
Just remember all the times we had

---------

Funny. Some songs just seem so applicable sometimes.

To all the people who remain at Tengah, the best of wishes, and I sincerely hope Mr Jeremy doesn't fuck you all up every other day.

To those who are going other places, have fun!

we are a family?

I'm just praying everyday for things to be all right. It's no mean feat to be in camp, and then to concentrate on what's happening in the base, while at the same time worrying if everything at home is fine and dandy (which more often than not isn't).

For the sake of my public appearance, I thus include putting up a mostly happy act for my peers, to prevent them from worrying that I might be getting sad. A happy melvo is always a good melvo.

Bundle everything with issues I don't even dare to face, and I have a busy day everyday.

In a funny twisted way, that's kinda good right? I don't have to worry about having to kill time. I exist on tenterhooks, thus providing a free adrenaline rush 24 hours of the day.

There we go, always looking for the bright of things. It's something every male should learn because there isn't much positivity floating about when you're fulfilling national duty.

I think I'm rambling a bit too much. My thoughts don't seem to feel very coherent. Must be the alzytec.

dreamgirls will never leave you

I guessed they might. That's why I bought the soundtrack to a great movie.

*goes into multiple orgasms*

I love it. I know. Such an understated statement as opposed to going into multiple orgasms, but seriously, what else can beat the description of going into multiple orgasms just listening to a soundtrack?

Moulin Rouge, eat dirt. This is great music. Lol.

strange strange situation

I simply do not get it. How come you guys are so nice to me, despite everything that I might say or do?

Even though I'm evil as can be, you remain nice. How am I supposed to respond like this?!?!?!

You're confusing me entirely.

一夜情

今天晚上你在做什么?
我怎么样都睡不着.
你可以陪我吗?

Come on, baby 靠近来
放你投入我胸怀
点起热情的烛光
享受玫瑰的芳香
让我轻轻帮你把那包袱脱下来
用着身体的节拍
就在今夜可以什么都不想
不要管他明天会怎么样
我们只有这一夜

快把帘子拉起来
手提电话不要开
珍惜每一分一秒
虽然早有了alibi
不要忘了放上请勿打扰在门外
良心的锁扣起来
没有任何人能阻挡tonight
你我真正是谁一点不重要
只要我们放的开 that's right

慢慢再紧领带
心里藏了是无奈
什么话都不必说
不需要作什么交代
不要忘了抹去领子上的红唇印
把这秘密锁起来
你会偷偷珍惜我们的 night

omg it's the big 21.

Everyone I know seems to be having some big birthday bash to celebrate their 21st birthday this year.

Some just hold a simple BBQ and then invite everyone they know (from birth to present, literally) to enjoy some time together.

Some hold it in a condo and then proceed to invite everyone they know (from birth to present, literally).

Some hold it in a ballroom and then proceed to invite everyone they know (from birth to present, literally).

What usually happens is that the birthday person will make a speech, often involving those present at the celebration. The speech will reflect on that person's life, about how he/she changed after meeting this/that person, or perhaps about his this/that person means so much to him/her. It's often lengthy, and involves plenty of fake smiles, hidden embarrassment and barely concealed yawns.

Is it any wonder why I'm avoiding planned celebrations at some wondrous place for myself?

To me, it's like this big "oh look at me I'm turning 21 so I feel the need to speak of me and my life.".

But I'm only turning 21. Have I really done or experienced that many life-changing events? Do I need to talk about myself and have people celebrate me?

It's possible I'm viewing this the wrong way. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for all you people turning 21, hell I'm 21 as of 4 and a 1/2 hours ago myself.

I just don't think all this fancy hoopla is needed for something as simple as a twenty first birthday.

saccharine stubborness

The Original Six.

live life to the fullest

It's quite sad when I read the essays that Secondary 3 students have submitted to their English teachers. The essay requires them to detail (with clarity and descriptive terms no less) one day in the life of a student. The picture that was thus drawn for me was bleak.

The ordinary student goes to school before the sun rises, taking a stroll to calm himself down. He is forced to sing the National Anthem and say the Pledge. To quote a student, hardly anyone does it and she simply mouths the words along as well.

Lessons then begin, and they end between 2.30 and 4.00. By then, the student is totally exhausted, as every essay seems to say.

The weary boy then trudges home, and faces a formidable pile of homework that keeps him occupied from after school to just before dinner. If he is hardworking, he'd find time to revise and then help with cooking dinner, although this is rare.

After dinner, he either continues with his homework, or sits down to watch tv. The day ends at 10.45, where the student retires to his bedroom and sleeps.

The cycle repeats itself again the next day.

Is that horrendous or what? There is no description of any interaction with family members, nor is there any mention of exercise.

What kind of education system would force a child into such torture?

千言万语

我的心在唱首歌给你听

歌词是如此的甜蜜

可是我害怕

我没有勇气

对你说一声我爱你。

There were too many factors that stood in the way of me opening my mouth and saying the words you really wanted to hear.

How could I take the next step knowing a pit of sharpened stakes stood in my way? Only trouble lies ahead.

My friends. You know by now barely anyone even supports me. Everyone always has something to say about who I am with. Not good looking enough, not the right person for me, too old, too young, too this and too that. There always was, and there always will be. It's like I'm surrounded by guns just waiting to fire at me.

It's no comfortable position. It's no blissful existence.

My family. They make my friends seem like girl scouts compared to what they can do. I don't even want to go into this.

And yet...

不管你用什么方式表明

我会对你说我愿意。

I did it now, didn't I? I've made my move, after agonizing over whether I should.

I don't want you to be hurt. I don't want anyone to be hurt.

Someone tell me what I should do next?

I already have half a mind to confine myself in camp just so I don't have to face the outside world. I'm frustrated with my ineptness. I'm frustrated with moving forward one step only to be mired in mud again.

It's not fair to you, I know that. This whole thing has been unfair to you for the longest time.

Your friends, do not help. Why are they piling the pressure on me? There are things I should do, say or act like, they tell me. They are pulling out the long dusty celebratory ornaments and placing them high in the sky.

It's almost like it's obligatory for me. And it's not supposed to be that way. It's fucking frustrating when I have to live up to their expectations when their expectations don't mean a cow's arse to me, especially when it's about you and I. I don't owe them anything.

I've told you this to some degree I think. This is just like a slightly more detailed version.

spread thy wings and fly

Working adults these days seem to be throwing themselves more and more into their work. It is not as if they enjoy what they do, nor is it that they have nothing else to do.

Everything they do is calculated to allow them to earn more money.

Unfortunately for everyone these days, prices only go up. And it's unavoidable to boot.

A night ago, a taxi driver had these words of wisdom for me:

"If you ever get the chance, pack up and get the hell out of this country." (With the inherent assumption that life would be cheaper of course.)

不言不语？

I had a three way conversation with two friends recently, and the direction of the conversation made me realise some things about me.

For starters, I know now that any attempt (misguided or otherwise) to effect a change in me is extremely unwelcome.

Secondly, in a relationship between person A and person B, who is person C to interfere? So what if person C is the best pal of either person A or B? No one should meddle in what are essentially private affairs.

Finally, blame it on parental influence, bad genetics or whatever, but my patience these days wears thin very easily. It's almost like a piece of paper now, liable to be torn apart at the slightest pressure.

I'm not making any veiled threats here. It's just an observation of things happening around me.

quotable quote

I don't even know why I'm posting this and what it will say about me.. but wtf.

Kit, on outings with me.

"I love going out with you! You have no morals!"

strange occurrences

We have strange people in Platoon 3, with names christened by our very own Sgt.

There's...

Patrick the Starfish (think spongebob)

Andrew the Cockster (think saying stupid things and doing worse actions)

GX the Backbone (cos literally... he hasn't any)

Pang the Sonic (who ironically, is about as witty as a snail)

Harrison the Hairy (a Sgt actually asked: Are you really hairy?")

Me the Bedsheet (cos I'm the bedsheet IC!)

MK the Papaya (cos well... I don't know why either)

John as Eve (cos his buddy's name... is Adam)

Then there's Mary, Stella and Lucky. Three fringe losers whose names I do not recall.

Han as Tarzan (I think it's cos he's strong)

And these are just the few names that I remember. I'm pretty sure there are more that slipped my mind, but those are probably the few not worth remembering, right? Ha.

quotable quote

Melvin (not me), on Gladys and Suat dancing and gyrating at each other...

"You know what you two look like? Seahorses!"