Dear Kay

I'm making this in response to your entry about Nad and I. I apologise that I responde only now, because I have only just seen the entry. And during Civ Pro Lab class. Are we ready for honesty from me? Go ahead, take deep breaths and then continue to read.

Frankly, I'm not all that surprised at your post. I've seen your reactions towards me these days, and fromt the way you acted towards me, I did get an inkling that something was brewing. And yup. Something was indeed brewing.

I think I want to address first the 1st thing on your entry. The bit about us crying. If you really want me to point out exact dates, I can't. But what I can say was that I did cry. Many times in fact. Maybe you brushed them off becuase of waht you had to do at the time, but yes, I was looking for a someone to cry with.

It was during all those devdas rehearsals. I've probably said this before, but I'm going to say this again. Did you think it was easy for me to cry? That my tears would come calling everytime I needed them? Well nope. See, everyone has sad moments in their lives, and what I did was to relive each and every one of them until I broke down and cried.

Think back a bit Kay, how many times did I run out of the rehearsal room because I couldn't take the crying? How many times did Nadira run out? Unfortunately, what stung real bad was the fact that you never (at least to my memory) ran out to see if I was alive. Heck, even VICTOR came to check on me. And that hurt more than anything. As far as I remember, I remember you sitting there waiting for us to come back and continue with the rehearsal as if nothing had happened. I don’t even recall an offer of tissue paper from you. Talk about the sweetness of friendship huh?

Shall I tell you more now? Shall I tell you about how afraid I am of losing my mother everyday? Shall I tell you of how my father insists I don't seem to belong to my family? I doubt all this really matters, but each time I think of all those, I'm all ready to start crawling under my blankets to weep.

It's not easy for a guy to be reduced to tears. It just isn't. To make a guy cry? Just wrench his heart out and wring it dry. Squeeze every failure out of his mind. Go ahead. And then you'll see him cry. It happened to me, and did you care? All I saw was the director waiting for the next scene to unfold. Maybe you were encumbered by your role as director, but I can swear that you always appeared less than human in those moments. Anger I saw, frustration I witnessed. But empathy? I didn’t feel even a wisp of it coming from you. And that hurts me. I don’t know about Nad, and I’ll let her speak for herself.

Maybe that's why I am afraid to cry in front of you, because I'm afraid you'll sit there and say, "So what's next?" as if it were just another Devdas rehearsal. This isn't pride or ego, it's the fear of rejection.

Why didn’t you cry in front of me? I recall a blog post of yours where you ran off to the bathroom to cry because the scene was too real for you. Why didn’t you cry in front of me? Did you think I would laugh? Why did you think I would laugh? Was there something in what I said or did that indicated I would be laughing? God Kay, here I was weeping my eyes out and I never saw you laugh (heck, all I ever saw was your stony expression), did you think I would? Do you think I’m that much of an idiot?

The second thing I want to address? Your very sensitive self. I've seen the many times you bristle when someone so much as speaks about Indians with a smile on their face. Remember 30/05/05 during the Voices meeting? When Tania suddenly laughed because of something and she said.."So funny..". You were glaring at her and all ready to tear her throat out. Such is your level of sensitivity.

Sadly, it doesn't seem to extend to your tolerance of other races does it? I recall when Azi Nad you and I went out, and we were talking about race, and you actually said something like how all the chinese should be removed from Singapore and how S'pore would be a better place. Well excuse me for being Chinese, but I find that highly insulting. Did the majority of chinese singapore ever do anything to you? Maybe a small majority insulted you, but hasn't 19 years of your life taught you to not judge the whole by a part?

And you ask why we don't give our opinions of you. It's not that you are insignificant, or that it doesn't matter. Thing is, (and I won't speak for Nad here) I am afraid you will take offence. All I ever did was to protect what appeared to me was your very flimsy pride. I tried every way to not be insulting. I remember how during year 1 or 2 when you were very insulted by me. Because of something I said or did.

I never forgot that. And every time I want to speak to you, I am reminded of that, and I speak to you with that occasion in mind. It’s all about how sensitive you can get, and how insensitive I can get. I try to curb my insensitivity, have you tried to ease up on your sensitivity?

Am I sincere enough? Have I been honest enough?

If you want to talk about sharing secrets, look at it from my point of view. You have been a friend for 2 years. I have known Daphnie for 10 years. Do you think Daphnie knows everything about me? There are things even she doesn’t know, and she’s been a friend to me longer than you have.

This isn’t instant gratification. While the world maybe moving faster and faster, the making of friendships takes years, and the sharing of secrets? Perhaps even longer. People keep things to themselves for reasons, and I have my own. What if after I tell you my little dirty secrets you don’t want to be my friend anymore? Have you thought of that? What if you are so disgusted by me? More importantly, how much can I trust you that you will not ruin my reputation? How much can I trust anyone? I really don’t know, and so I’ve chosen to maintain my silence. After all, silence is always safer isn’t it?

I’ve never shared the sorrow displayed tantalizingly on my blog with anyone. Go ahead, ask the people all around me. If you thought I purposely kept you 2 in the dark, you are wrong. I kept everyone in the dark. I post it in such a way because that’s as much as I dare to share. Anymore, and I’m risking teling too much.
Maybe I should provide you with an opinion of you from me. After all, you did ask for one didn’t you?

Firstly, I think you’re too sensitive for your own good. And I don’t think your sensitivity extends towards thinking about how others might feel does it?

Secondly, I think your defensive barriers are way high. D’you have to get so defensive everytime a statement about you is made?

Thirdly, I think you’re a little confused. Why regret stepping into L&M when you wanted to a lawyer since you were young? Heck you confuse me with that statement alone. If you’re really regretting, then leave. You said you wanted to leave before, why don’t you? After all, you think it’s a mistake right? So leave, and start anew. Maybe there’s something holding you back. What is it? I don’t recall you telling me. Gosh. Maybe you’re keeping a secret from me. If so, am I entitled to feel hurt or sad the way you do?

I’m too tired to think of anything else, because it would only sound like I am bitching. I don’t wish to dwell on your good points either, because dozens of people have at any time praised you to the skies.

I think I’ve said enough.

Familiarity.

Kishy's blog entry about songs struck a chord with me.

I was just in the bus today, idly listening to the songs in my Zen Micro. After a while, I realised that my moods were fluctuating. And the best part? They were fluctuating in tune to whatever song was playing.

*Cue a sad song* And my mood swings all the way down and I start thinking of every shitty thing that ever happened recently.

*Cue the next happy song* And suddenly I feel silly for being sad.

*cue a song about sex* well... ladidadidadida.

But yes. I actually found myself enjoying sadness. Wallowing in self-pity, beating myself up with the stupid things that I did/said. Relishing the feeling of walloping oneself with all the various things he did wrong.

Melv0*'s kinda like that sometimes.

Whoops.

Hehe. Quiz spree. Saw those silly things at Kay's Blog. So yeah, one click led to another and all of a sudden I had 3 done. Gee whiz.

Oh well, those were the interesting ones anyway.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your #1 Match: ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

Your #2 Match: INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

What's Your Personality Type?

Your Dominant Thinking Style:

Modifying Super logical and rational, you consider every fact available to you. You don't make rash decisions and are rarely moved by emotion. You prefer what's known and proven - to the new and untested. You tend to ground those around you and add stability.

Your Secondary Thinking Style:

Visioning You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

What's Your Thinking Style?

Don't Let Go.

It's about six in the morning. Kit and Daph are sprawled in various positions asleep. Kish is out doing dishes, and I'm blogging. Interesting.

Mood's on a low. Must be the solitary feeling the night provides you. Suddenly, you just need another person beside you. Suddenly you're wishing for someone to be there holding you tight. Maybe even whispering away about stuff. I dunno.

Somebody who won't let go.

Tired.

School is going to begin its new semester next week.

Just thinking of it makes me want to go dig a grave and bury myself in it. On hindsight, maybe it wasn't a good idea for me to work all the way until school started. Maybe a little break was deserved. After all, I did start work on the third day after exams.

Perhaps I do need a break. Just thinking of a normal school day and my body feels like it's going to break into little pieces. Or maybe I'm just really tired right now.

Bottom line? I'm really fatigued.

Lost.

But I don't wanna play myself
Cause I know you're with someone else
And I don't need complications in my life
And I don't wanna fall back in
And get caught up in you again
I'm so conflicted in my mind

MoTown.

Lol. Suddenly, I have developed a strange craving for all things Michael Jackson and The Jackson 5.

WITHOUT PREJUDICE
I do not wish to embroil myself into a court battle, pitting myself against children who claimed I touched them at parts which shouldn't be touched.

But anyway. Yes, I've a craving for that. And it's all because I heard Mariah Carey singing that she'll be there for me. Sigh. That right Ms Carey, come fly me off and pamper me in your PIP Penthouse with the sick hot tub where we'll watch the flat screen while the bubbles fill it up.

*grabs crotches and screams a la poor maligned Wacko Jacko*

Your Man.

See, I used to be so shy
Sit at home and fantasize.
But I ain't wastin' no more time
cause I've got to make you mine

I'm gonna make you want to
get with me tonight.
I'm gonna put those naughty
thoughts into your mind.
I'm gonna show you clearly
I can rock your world.
You're gonna know for sure
That I should be your man.

See I used to be afraid
But now baby I can't wait
I just gotta have your love.
And enough's enough's enough

I'm gonna make you want to
Get with me tonight
I'm gonna put those naughty
Thoughs into your mind
I'm gonna show you clearly
I can rock your world.
You're gonna know for sure
That I should be your man.

Paralyzed.

Time: 1159
Date: 090505

Tucks self into bed. Wraps self up to nose in blanket. Fever causes me to shiver uncontrollably. Under the blanket, it feels like a winter breeze is blowing merrily. Eventually, I fall asleep, body aches notwithstanding.

Time: Unknown
Date: 100505

It's still dark. Eyes suddenly shoot open. I'm unbearably hot. Brother is still asleep on his bed, so it's not 5 am. Then I realise. Where are my limbs? I panick, because all I can feel is heat, and the aching of my neck and shoulders. Wrapped under a suddenly too thick layer of blanket, I start perspiring.

I decide that blanket must get off. So first I try to call my brother. I open my mouth, and call his name...only to realise that I have no voice. I realise my throat is so dry I have no voice to speak with. Resigned to helping myself, I try to wiggle my toes. And then I gasp in pain as I feel the first painful flows of blood flowing through too constricted blood vessels. My legs feel as if they belong to someone else, unfamiliar, and too heavy to move. Then I try to move my hands. The familiar sensation of fresh blood causes me to skip a breath once more. Hands also feel like they belong to someone else.

After what seems to be an eternity, I can move my hands. So I remove the blanket from my face, down to my stomach. I realise I'm drenched in sweat.

Just how long have I been broiling under this?

My legs are still too numb to do anything. And that's when I realised that my body couldn't move either. Just what the heck has my heart been doing? I (painfully, very painfully) turn my body to the side, feeling my t-shirt cling to me. My whole body feels like a rock, heavy, immovable, and foreign.

Time: Unknown
Date: 100505

I suddenly wake again. It's light. And my body feels brand new. Wasn't I just a lump of shit a couple of hours ago? I didn't dream it did I?

It's like that. da da da.

I tried. I tried so hard today. Nope. I failed though. I looked. And looked around. I could not find what I sought. I'd wondered how I would face it. I didn't have to wonder after all.

So I tried again. And again I failed. Even the simplest of songs can turn me into a mess. Jay knows it.

"I am hope for all the despairing. Healing for the ones who dwell in shame."

Heal me. I need it. Now.

Hope. I need it. Now.

Please?

I can't keep falling.

Hope, is tenuous at best.

It's almost like climbing a mountain. Slowly, steadily, one edges up the steep slope of the mountain called Hope. Reach for a higher piece of rock, pull yourself up. Always always upwards.

The summit is in sight. Ponderously, it moves ever closer to you. Then you grab on a loose rock. Suddenly, you've lost your grip. You've lost balance, and you fall, your body crashing against the suddenly ravenous looking rocks. Rocks that look ready to devour your flesh. You bounce off it like a rubber ball. Downwards. Always downwards.

Once more, you try to scale this beast. And once more, you fail.

How many more times can one keep falling out of hope before one decides never again to have hope?

How many more times can anyone mend oneself? If only to see another piece of himself break apart again?

I don't have that many more times anymore.

School Starts Itself.

It's coming it's coming! In 19 days school term starts again. And here I am, exhausted beyond measure, dragging myself out of bed every morning. I should have quit. But then, I am sorta enjoying myself. After all, I do get paid don't I?

Await.

Endlessly waiting, searching for the right path.

Patience fraying, why am I denied?

There is still hope after all.

Promise wasn't broken.

Phew.

Pants on fire.

You lied. Your promise is broken. How am I supposed to trust you now?

Thank God I found Who?

I was all by myself for the longest time.
So cold inside.
And the hurt from the heart it would not subside.
I felt like dying.

Who's gonna save my life?

Truth Laid Bare.

There. Spoken.

Repercussions are bound to come. Good? Bad? Who knows?

Such bravery shouldn't go unrewarded should it? But is this bravery tainted with self interest? Perhaps so. Because with every ounce of the truth, a feathery coating of lies covered it.

There. The phone sits, awaiting the moment of promise fulfilled. Tense anticipation sits in the belly. Adrenaline rushes through the veins.

Moment is coming.

Truth will be laid bare.