Hmm, major update required. Again.

After I had my fun with Nad and the others during my birthday, I went to a chalet at Changi Beach Club. Me dad arranged it, so it was just my family and me. How nice. =D

Then, my parents taught me how to do some gambling. Quite addictive I should say. Haha, but no, I'm not going to destroy my bank account for the sake of the chance to earn a little more money. Or should I??

Anyway, then we (my family I mean) went to swim. A little too much swimming, now I realise. Got sunburnt. Not a pretty sight, watching your nose peel. Oh, that and the incredible pain whenever someone gives you a hearty slap on the back. Needless to say, there wasn't a second hearty slap on the back coming.

Hmm, after that, I received some feedback about my mouth. Not very good as I recall, but then, this would only be let's see...fourth time I've heard it.

First three times, I was in secondary school. I was told in a letter, or rather, in 3 different letters coming from 3 different people. "Melvyn, you sometimes are too sarcastic for your own good. I've heard people saying that they can't stand you, dislike you because of your smart mouth."

Of course, I made the necessary adjustments to myself. Then, I was questioned, "Melvyn, why are you so quiet nowadays? It seems as though you take a long time to think up an answer before answering people. It seems as though you became colder."

People noticed I seem to have placed a greater restraint on myself than before. Then, someone actually asked me, "How does it feel having to restrain yourself like that? It must be tough huh? It's always tough when you have to change."

That, coming from someone who told me to change?

Time passed, and those so-called restraints became in-built.

Enter polytechnic. Made a new group of friends, who seemed pretty much more laidback and relaxed than anyone in secondary school. I thought I could actually be myself for once in years.

Turns out I was wrong.

Turns out that I would receive the same feedback about myself.

Never mind. Restrain I shall. Just don't come to me asking why I'm suddenly more quieter, or why I seem to have changed into this totally new and nicer person.

It was requested.

I realise I've been pretty dumb, doing pretty dumb things. I won't do them anymore.

Perserverance is the key, and one can't run the moment a kink is discovered. Gee, I wonder how long it took me to realise that. A grand total of 2 days I suppose.

I'll try harder, and not be so foolish anymore.


I'm sorry.

Today was a great day!!

After the macroecons test, which, by the way, was the last mid-sem test paper, we went TM. Me, Nad, Azi, Kay.

We went to seoul garden to eat our hearts out. Haha, had a lot of fun there, dumping food onto Kay's plate. Then SURPRISE SURPRISE! A birthday cake appeared out of nowhere, and suddeny they were singing a birthday song for me!!

(Thanks guys...really appreciated it! First time it has ever happened to me in public like that. haha!)

Then we went into the arcade. Again. Haha. Then once and for all, I trounced Miss Nadira in the racing games. I lost the first game, but then, that was just warm up wasn't it Nad? =P We stayed there for some time, then we went to watch GOTHIKA.

Hahaha. Nad really got conned. I bought the tickets without further discussing anything with the others. Then Nad went into a state of shock.

During the movie, Nad kept screaming! Hahaha..it was absolutely hilarious!

Ah well.. A time well spent I say.

You go out. You live your life, going to movies, hanging out with your best friends. School bores the hell out of you, and you dearly long to be free of school. Lessons come and go, and you return home each night, exhausted beyond measure, and you fall into a deep sleep each night.

Life seems to go on interminably.


Then suddenly, you find yourself awake in a cell. You are in pajamas, and darkness surrounds you. You realize you’re not at home.

A nurse walks in, and roughly shoves you a cup containing your medicine. Numbly, you take it.

You wonder, just, which is the dream?

Imagine if it happened to you in reality.

Can you even imagine it?

The sheer horror, the realization that all your friends, all the movies you've watched, all the lessons you go through, it didn't happen. All this while, you've been lying there on your cot, dreaming the time away.

You realize you are hallucinating, and there's nothing that you can do to help stop it. You realize that your hallucinations seem as real as day to you. Yet no one else understands what you are going through.

You try to tell people that you’re not mad, but they only shake their heads in pity, wondering when you'll ever cease this insanity.

The awful truth slaps you in the face: No one’s going to believe you, whatever you say.

You're condemned.

but everything means nothing, if i ain't got you...

Have I ever felt this way?

Sadly enough, I've never felt like that. Somehow, a part of me always seems to say "Don't be stupid lah, that feeling might die out, and then you'll be breaking up soon after."

"Feel" By robbie williams contains the following two lines.

Before I fall in love
I'm preparing to leave her

More than ever, I feel I totally understand what those two lines mean. In every dream I have, I think of the sad ending while visualising the happy beginning. I see myself daring to join Singapore Idol, then I see me crashing right out of it after making a fool of myself on stage on NATIONAL TV.

How does one live life like that?

Being confused is never a nice thing.

Especially when you realise that you may never find an answer. I mean, you end up in this endless cycle, grappling with yourself, trying your darndest to wring the answer out of yourself. Then you realise you can't. You're stuck in an endless dilemma.

You want an answer, yet you're afraid that the answer might be too much for you to handle. It bubbles just below the surface, ever ready to burst free at the slightest indication that you're close to a conclusion. Then you try your best to push it further down, desperately searching for something else, something that would bring a more favourable end.

Then you realise. You have the answer. But you're denying yourself the answer. You're in denial.

Then you think again. Is it really the right answer? Is what's bubbling below the surface...that which again and again threatens to spill unto your wretched consciousness, what you are seeking?

That's when you realise, you're really confused.

Today was a great day.

I expended about $10 bucks worth on playing arcade games!! I feel so young again. LOL!

I played a couple of daytona racing games against my archrival, Miss Nadira. As expected, she LOST!!!

Hahaha. Then I played some shooting games with Azizah. Damned guns. They sure as hell didn't work properly. Azi couldn't shoot properly outta hers. I couldn't seem to shoot either. The bullets weren't coming out!

There there Nad, you don't have to cry so much. We've got tomorrow! You can lose to me again tomorrow. Then today won't seem as bad anymore, when you lose to me 2 days in a row. =P

Victory to me.

Do One Guy and One Girl Always Have To Be A Couple?

I'm not turning gay if that's what you're thinking.

What I'm saying is, just because a guy and a girl appear to be better friends, people automatically start assuming that they are going into a relationship? Is that how things work around here?

I don't know. It sure seems that way. People everywhere are commenting on how couple-ish 2 certain people look. I'm not going to name names here.

Is that how they really appear to be? To me, they're just two good friends.

Who happen to bitch at each other at every chance they've got.
Who happen to really like to laugh. Or maybe it's just what I think.
Who happen to be great partners in making digs at someone else.

Who happen to be male and female.

Sneakers- funny, laid-back, and goofy, you love to
make people laugh and have a good time. You
enjoy comfort and don't care to much about what
people think of you. You like to hang out with
your buddies and just have a good time. [please
vote! thank you! :)]


What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

thoughts flit around the unawakened mind.
disturbing, disturbing, disturbing.

thoughts flit around the barely conscious mind.
distracting, distracting, distracting.

thoughts flit around the consciousness.
wanting, wanting, wanting.


WIll I ever be free...?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Do I want to be free?

Isn't it sad how you can wish and wish and wish, but what you want will never come true?

In smallville, we get a view of how the potentially perfect family lives on a farm. the ever patient mother, the manly father who wants to protect all those he considers dear to him, and the petulant teenager, prone to fits of "i'm a grown up now, i can take care of myself."

Yet the teenager always realises that he is wrong in the end, and in the process matures a lot and says sorry to his parents and that's the end of the matter cos they love him so much they can't bare to scold him or even beat him much.

I'd say all that is pure fantasy.

Too often I've seen in this world, the harsh and awful truth.

Parents beating their children so badly they resemble walking bruises.

Parents working day in day out, hoping to provide for the children.

Parents who are so tired at the end of the day, they leave no time for the kids.

Parents who leave the affection-giving to the maid, and still believe that the children will love the parents.

While I applaud those who would sacrifice all their time just to make live better for their children, don't they ever stop to ask themselves...

Is it just money the children want?

I'm looking at my blog entries, and I realised that....................

Gee, my entries sometimes fluctuate wildly in terms of mood.

One moment pensive and thoughtful
One moment down and out
One moment angry and frustrated
One moment bewildered and self-reflecting.

I don't think I fluctuate that much in front of others.

Gee, do you know how exhausting it can get? LOL! Fancy being angry one moment, then happy the next, then comes being depressed.

Schizo land...here I come.

The Sorely Confused Fly

I am a swamp fly.
I can fly very high

Yet wherever I go
People mistake me for a Crow

So finally, I want to tell them all
My middle name is Paul.


I'm sorry. That didn't make too much sense did it? Haha. It just came on the spur of the moment.

Anyway. Enough of that. Let's see, what happened today?

Today, was Tort Mid-Sem Test. Wahaha. 8 answers were unwittingly given to us. They were highlighted in BOLD and they were also italicised.

How fortunate.

Ooh. And I found the perfect way to de-stress. PLAY DAYTONA WITH MY FRIENDS!!!

(Nad, I'm going to win you. Prepare to lose tomorrow.)

Sometimes, you just gotta wonder where exactly you belong in this family. Take the following scenario for example.

I'm using the computer, playin' a little music. My father is in the hall watching TV. My elder brother is in his own room, doing God-Only-Knows-What.

Then, my father warns me: Why can't you play your music softer? Your brother is about to come out and start shouting at you. Sometimes you are just so fucking stubborn.

Leaving me with no choice, but to to turn off the music.


So. Does that give an indication of where exactly I belong? Oh yeah. I'm right at the bottom of the list of importance. Maybe it's because I'm more reticient at home.

Dad makes a lot of noise.
Elder brother is like the Emperor. He gets angry if anything doesn't go his way.
Younger brother wants everything his way.
Mum doesn't care.

What about me? What do I do?

I respect everyone's wishes.

I do whatever Dad tells me.
I rarely rebutt him, even if it meant being mistaken for having done something wrong.

I treat the Elder Brother with utmost respect.
I even knock on the door if he happens to be in a room I want to enter.
I stay out of his way, so I don't antagonise him.
It seems he doesn't like me, so I try my best never to be in the same room as him.


At least my younger brother and I communicate.
At least we joke around.
At least we talk to each other.

Still, it's not much.
I still let him have his way.
I still don't say anything.
The family still see him as the apple of the eye.


Mum? She's there. Doing her thing. She doesn't want to get involved in the fighting and everything.

I'm absolutely tired. All this has been going on for years. It's like I'm the adopted son, and I have no right to do anything I want when all family members are present in the house. It's like I have to adapt according to them. I live around them. They don't live around me.

It's as if I'm the unwanted.

Something Is Terribly Wrong.

Why am I not studying? Before this particular semester, the feeling of a need, of a want to study, it was always there.

Where is it now?

Suddenly, it feels as if I'm going to school for things like Murder Game, things like TP Open House, and not studying. Just what the hell is wrong with me?

The drive for studying has suddenly ceased to exist. I find myself thinking that class is the minor irritation that stops me from going to do the "important" things.

This has got to change. Most definitely.

Am I really all that sarcastic?

Am I? I see all the testimonies I get (friendster), and most of them seem to say that I'm one sarcastic guy.

Is that all anyone can think of when they're describing me? Not that I'm complaining..but is that all I ever show to the world?

Guess so.

Hmm. It's been 6 days since I last updated. Funny how time passes so quickly.

In just five days, I'm going to be 18. Whoopee.

Big things that have happened these few days... TEMASEK POLYTECHNIC OPEN HOUSE.

I realise that it's terrifyingly mind numbing to be acting the same thing over and over again. You end up mentally exhausted for some reason.

I wonder why?

For a 6 day update thing, I'm sure typing a lot of stuff aren't I? LOL. I just can't seem to think of what to say right now. Brain drain.

Gee. nothing much happened lah. Is that enough?

I'm all right everyone!!

Gee, I think I got some people worried there for a moment.

Truth is, I'm all right actually. It's just the sheer sadness of the song. I mean...

Some people want it all
But I just want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby, If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

How can anyone not feel at least even a little down? The lyrics are so filled with longing! But of course, it's over now. I understand what it entails and all.

Y'noe, you would think that with the end of Murder Game, that's all I'm ever going to hear about the whole thing for the rest of my life. But noo... they absolutely had to make a kinda extra episode, which is basically the part about Michael being charged in court.

Ah yes, for all you people out there, Michael is the murderer. Sheesh, that's like so yesterday.

Oh, and in answer to that little question in my earlier posting, I'm fairly sure I ain't missing anyone.

Ah, the pitfalls of love.

Ever had a moment in life, when suddenly everything seems well, wrong? When you feel negative. Down.

Everything seems to be wrong. Only I don't know what.
Everything Seems to be sad. Only I don't know why.
Everything doesn't seem right. Only I don't know how.

Perhaps sleep will help. Perhaps it won't. I don't even know what got me into this mood. Perhaps it was a song.

"If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys.

But I ain't missing anyone.

Am I?

Isn't it funny how you can visualise stuff happening in your head, but then you know that it will probably never happen in real life?

I'm not talking about assorted little fantasies about pornstars and the like. I'm also not talking about meeting your favourite superstar and getting a lovely kiss from him/her.

What I'm talking about is the everyday stuff. Stuff like when you have a crush on someone, and then you actually imagine yourself going up to talk to that someone, and to find that the someone actually is interested in you.

I'm also talking about when say maybe, you visualise the perfect argument in your head. When you see someone that you are angry with, and then you go imagining going right up to the person, and giving that person the perfect piece of mind. Of course, thinking of that just makes you angrier and angrier, until eventually you think that you can actually set water on fire just by staring at it.

Unfortunately, reality always bites you in the ass when you least need it. Just when you're so happy with your little imaginary world, planet Earth comes slapping you in the face. You open your eyes and see today lying before you. You also see the probable impossibility of whatever it is you just imagined.

Painful isn't it?

It finally happened then. I finally lost my patience and scolded her online. Unfortunately, I wasn't alone. I was together with Kay, Nad, and Azi. We were in a group conversation on MSN, and those 3 were trying their very best to ask Mei why she was feeling confused.

They tried for a time, finding ways and means to try prying the information out of her. Unfortunately, all their prying was in vain. She refused to listen. She refused even to comment. All she said was that she was busy. Someone asking her about MBS, some Hongkie friend talking to her as well, which was why she didn't respond.

Unfortunately for her, I lost my temper. I got to admit that I was very harsh and nasty with her. I can't exactly recall what I said anymore (although I'm pretty sure the others still do), but what I do remember was that I was very irritated with that attitude of hers. Stuff I've never told her before suddenly came coming out.

Just too bad ain't it? I'm not going to say sorry though.

Something about that Kelly Clarkson song just seems to strike a chord in me. Not that I'm some living piano or something.

"The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See you've got no say at all"

I think anyone can relate to those lines. It just seems to ring so true. Of course, this is all from the point of view of the broken hearted. Those still in love, those still deluding themselves into thinking that there could be love...

well, of course they wouldn't think this way would they?

Is that all we ever talk about?
Complaints, grumbles.
Needs, wants.

Is that all that can ever pass between us?
Work and more work.

Little flurries of hope that flicker around in the unseen mind.
Occasionally touching you, occasionally breaching your defences.

Don't you know that they are what they are?
Shadows, wraiths, ghosts of a time long gone.

Crush, forget, destroy.
It ain't comin' round the mountain anymore.

I've got people wondering. What exactly am I referring to in the earlier post..

"An Itch.
A feeling of great need.
A crave, gnawing at your insides.
Like a withdrawal symptom.
Growing unbearable until you want to scream and tear people's head off."

I'm just describing how a feeling feels thats all. When something is burning deep within. It threatens to explode. It threatens to come right out. Yet, is there anything you can about it? No. Cos once you do, things change forever, things will never go back to what they once were.

Perceptions change, opinions will never be the same.

We had a little pow wow today. Mel, Nad, Azi and Kay. Funny. All our names are shortened to 3 letters.

We talked about what we thought of our relationships with each other.

That got me thinking, especially after what they said. They said I was nice, they said I was concerned about my friends. Then I told them about me history in secondary school. Apparently, the effects of it never showed.

Looking at where I am now in Poly, I'd say that it's definitely much more different than during secondary school. Sure, I took part in things like Speech Day, and all the assorted little concerts, but did I take them on voluntarily? ANSWER: NO.

Yet here I am, taking on things like Voices, things like Murder Game, things like TALENTQUEST. Never in my life would I have seen myself actually volunteering to do the things I've done.

I wonder why?

I see a possible answer. Back in secondary school, I realise that I was pretty conscious of any action that I made. I suppose you could attribute it to all the bad press that guys that join the choir get. "ooh, you must be gay, ooh you must be sissy." Am I really all that? Am I really sissy? Am I really gay? ANSWER: NO.

Yet, even though I knew the answer, I was conscious of whatever I did. I didn't need even more bad press coming my way. Perhaps it was also because there weren't similar things in secondary school. THings like Voices, Murder Game and stuff like that.

Of course, there was the feast of assumption thing. The little musical thing. But then, can it really compare to the scale of Murder Game?

So, why did I even join a talent time contest like TalentQuest anyway? Guess what, even I don't know what got into me to actually register. Perhaps I was just sick of being a coward, of eternally hiding under that excuse of "oh I'm too busy for this."

I guess, being in TP now, has brought welcome changes to my life.

I'm not saying that I didn't like being in secondary school. I really enjoyed my time there while it lasted.

But then... whoever likes being the supporting actor in every movie he does anyway?

Murder Game is officially over.

Gone forever. Of course, there's always Murder Game 2, but then that's another story for another time little children. Somehow, I always thought that I would not be bothered about it. But then, when I really think about it, I realise that it was something to fill up my time. Something that I actually enjoyed. Of course, there were all those little parts here and there that I certainly didn't enjoy, but then, all those little things only added to the parts where i did enjoy myself.

Ha. Did I actually say all that? Or did Mail come out of nowhere to take over this shell that's Melvyn? Gee, I actually don't know. =X

Funnily, I seem to be spending my time at playgrounds. Sitting on the swings, on high platforms...talking and talking and talking away. About lame stuff, about really serious stuff. Again, more stories for other times.

Oh! MAJOR NEWSFLASH. Kay..a.k.a. greatest singer in TP has decided to join Singapore Idol. Like Yay!! Haha, all this happened after a lot of persuasion from me. Oh yeah, and Azizah. Haha. Hurray. I'm going to be friends with a superstar!! Oh wait. There's Awi already. Ah heck. I'm making friends with TWO superstars then.

Name dropping has never been so sweet.

All that probably didn't make much sense did it?

I'm just describing the feeling that comes when you see something you want very much, but can't have for various reasons.
Kinda like when you want to say something, but you know you just can't. Again, for various reasons.

Get what I mean?

An Itch.
A feeling of great need.
A crave, gnawing at your insides.
Like a withdrawal symptom.
Growing unbearable until you want to scream and tear people's head off.