Beta #3

*pregnancy discussed*

It took nearly 11 hours to get the results of my bloodwork this morning!  I can't complain since I wasn't even supposed to have my HCG checked, the purpose of the draw was to check my estradiol and progesterone levels.  But every hour after 3pm I got a little more anxious.

Beta#3 is 2561.  I was hoping for something above 3300 so I was a little concerned with the number.  My nurse told me the number is good.  When I questioned her about doubling she assured me the number is good and that after a period of time the HCG doubling time slows.

I consulted Dr. Goo.gle and he confirmed that the number is good.  The doubling time is fine as long as it doubles within 72 hours (mine doubled in 52 hours).

My nurse told me that next week at my ultrasound that we should see a sac, fetal pole and heartbeat.  Oh, I hope and pray we do!


I continue in my cautiously happy state-of-mind.  I met up with some of the other local SMC girls this weekend and it was so nice to finally be able to be pregnant... moving beyond the long, difficult TTC stage.  It made it feel a little more real.

This morning at my blood draw, when no other patients were in the lab, I whispered to my phlebotomist who has drawn my blood dozens upon dozens of times "I'm finally pregnant".  She was so excited and started to tear up... which made me start to tear up.

My local IVF nurse walked by when I was in the RE office today.  She stopped, did a double take and said "I'm so excited for you".  And she really meant it!

I also got a call from my CC.RM doctor tonight (he said he was out last week).  He congratulated me on my success.

All of these moments add up and continue to make it a little more real for me.

Thanks to each of you who commented on my 11.11.11 post about my BFP!  I know that you are happy to see me reach this milestone... even as I'm trying to accept it as real.

And for my IF friends still in the trenches, you have my absolute support.  I have truly found a cause that I will continue to carry with me and support.  I will do my best to be respectful of the IF community as I move into the next stage of "pregnant after infertility".

Don't forget to take a minute to enter my first Giveaway for a POM Charm of your choice!  Help spread the word about this great symbol of strength, hope and support for the infertility community.  You don't have to be infertile to participate; my goal is to spread the word and each person who reblogs my post will be helping to spread the word!

POM Charms (My First Giveaway!)

In the world of infertility, often (far too often) we feel isolated and alone.

Two women were recently discussing this problem and wondering out loud how someone might take a step to better unite the world of infertility?  They decided that the community needed a symbol, something that says I get it.  A symbol may allow another woman to feel less alone and possibly start a conversation.

Quickly, they got to work and came up with the perfect symbol.

By combining the Pomegranate, the fruit of fertility, and the Chinese symbol for strength, the Pomegranate Charm was born.

They developed a mission:

Uniting women and their friends & families
who have struggled with fertility issues by giving
them a symbol of strength, hope, and support.        

And then they formed a non-profit benefiting two infertility related causes.  There is minimal overhead and all proceeds from the purchase of a charm, a bracelet, a necklace, a key chain, etc. go towards one of the following causes:

1. Fertility Research
2. Deserving women and couples needing financial assistance to receive medical treatment

The charms just became available for distribution less than a month ago.  They have already caught on quickly in the areas where they have been introduced with large orders from fertility clinics, acupuncturists and other fertility related specialists, and of course members of the infertility community as well.

The Giveaway!  A Pomegranate Charm of your choice.

Entry Rules:

1. Reblog this full post, including entry rules (please be sure that the links do not break when you copy/paste to your blog)
2. Leave a comment on my original post (Singlemom2b.blogspot.com dated 11/20/11) along with the link to your post.
3. On Sunday, December 4 I will draw a winner from all completed entries.

I will announce and contact the winner and ask them to pick out the POM Charm of their choice and I will have it shipped to them.

In the meantime, check out the website for more information.  Buy one for yourself, your spouse/partner and give one to a friend who you know is suffering with infertility.  Tell your infertility support groups about the POM Charms!

By writing this post and structuring this giveaway, I am trying to do my part to spread the word across my little corner of the IF world.  I was not asked or paid to write this post.

My Broken Record - The Remix

I've been feeling like my blog has become a broken record (and just imagine that there are younger generations in the world who will never really understand this analogy).  It has turned in to a ongoing loop about [insert needle scratching across the record sound]:

• Summary of upcoming protocol
• Cycle is starting
• Cycle updates
• Egg Retrieval/Transfer updates
• 2ww agony
• Crushing BFN
• WTF Appointment
• Repeat

It's not what I imagined for my blog, it's not what I imagined for my life.  This is what led to my silence over the last few months.  

Now, I'm feeling ready to update you on recent happenings (it's a similar story in a different location).

After my regroup with Dr. Sur.ry at CC.RM, when I learned I had a 25% chance of success with my own eggs, I contacted the Donor Egg Coordinator at my local clinic and told her to move forward with matching me with a donor.  I felt ready to move on to something that would give me my best chance of success... 

But I still kept thinking about CC.RM.  An unofficial message board for CC.RM patients that I was part of had just had numerous BFP's within the span of a week, it was inspiring!  There were so many BFP's I couldn't keep track of everyone!  And so I realized that if I didn't do a cycle at CC.RM that I would always wonder what would have happened.

My cycle started on October 13, I started stimming on Day 2 (10/14).  My AFC was 8 (this is pretty good for me, right in my normal range).  On October 18, I flew to Denver to settle in to my new home-away-from-home.  I had daily labs & ultrasounds.  Initially, my follicles were not growing well.  The doctor (and nurse) were concerned, we all feared my cycle would end up cancelled.  Dr. Sur.ry tweaked my protocol and my ovaries woke up!

While I hated to be away from my dogs for so long, I really enjoyed being in Colorado!  There were a lot of women from the message board and a few I knew through blogs that were there during the same time I was.  Our hotel was like living in a dormitory for infertility!  We'd run into each other in the lobby or parking lots, we would have lunch or dinner together, and when we got stir-crazy we'd hang out in someone's room.  We talked and talked and talked!  We all had so much in common with our infertility struggles and desire for our families!

It was so nice to be able to connect with so many women going through the same struggles - IN PERSON!  I admire all of the women that I've "met" through this journey... the opportunity to meet in the flesh is simply a bonus!

My mom flew out and joined me toward the end of my stay.  We were able to explore the area together and she was there for my retrieval!  It was nice to have her with me.

I had my retrieval on 10/28 (it was a LONG cycle). 8 eggs were retrieved, 8 eggs were mature, 8 eggs fertilized!!!  For the first time in a long time, I was filled with HOPE!

Infertility Treatment Is Essential - Speak Up!

Shamelessly plagiarized straight from Jen at This Is Personal


Help Resolve.org and help the infertility community today by speaking up for government support of infertility treatments. Resolve.org is trying to get 7,300 signatures on this letter ASAP.

Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) Secretary Sebelius is tasked with determining the Essential Health Benefits that will be used in the new health insurance exchanges in each state.  These newly determine Essential Health Benefits will take effect in January 2014.  

RIGHT NOW, the Secretary is determining what will be included as an Essential Health Benefit as we anticipate an announcement in the next few months.

Now is the time for Secretary Sebelius to hear from the infertility community and those that care about us.

We need YOU to add your signature to this letter!

Let’s raise our collective voices, thousands of them, and tell the Secretary we matter!  The goal is to have 7,300 people sign this petition, each one representing a thousand people in the US impacted by infertility.  

This is your chance to speak up and speak out and tell HHS that you matter, your health matters, your dream of a family matters, and that 7.3 million women and men diagnosed with infertility matter.

Seriously, do it RIGHT NOW! Click! Sign! Email your family! Have them sign! Post this on your blog!!

Detox Cycle

So the long-shot, hail Mary IUI (83 injections worth) was a bust.  While my beta date was not scheduled until next Tuesday, July 26 (why 16dpiui, I don't know), I started spotting Wednesday afternoon and AF arrived today (CD30).  Yes, I was supplementing with progesterone.  Actually, for whatever reason, it was prometrium  this cycle, rather than progesterone.

So this cycle is to be a detox from the super-hormones.  I estimate my next cycle will start around August 18... and I'll head to CC.RM between CD 5 - 11 of that cycle for their ODWU (one day work up, aka - a full day of testing).  At BEST, I would start stimming for my next IVF mid-September.  And since the PGD requires freezing my embryos and uterus preparation, I'll be lucky to have a FET by the end of the year.

Sadly, I'll turn 40 childless, not pregnant, single and overweight.  Not exactly how I envisioned hitting 40... but I can take control of the things I can control.

Since I have, in a sense, a break for the rest of the year (although I'm not getting any younger)... I'm formulating a plan to work on my health (fitness) and maybe get some resemblance of my life back.  The life I've put on hold for far too long.  I'm working on the plan and starting to take action.  I'll share more once I'm farther along.

You may not hear much from my blog for a little while.  I'm not gone, but I am on a break.  I appreciate all of your ongoing support.  I expect I'll continue reading but forgive me if I'm not commenting much.  I'm going to try to extract myself from the SMC, TTC, IF world as much as I can during this time.  My goal is to exchange my TTC/IF OCD for Health & Fitness OCD...  Until next time, I wish each of you the best!!!

Girls Weekend

My two oldest friends came to town on Thursday for our girls weekend, the one to celebrate our turning 40 this year.  It's the weekend we originally wanted to go somewhere tropical and luxurious but my infertility got in the way...  but they didn't make me feel like spending the weekend with me in Char.lotte was any less spectacular than it would have been in the Caribbean or Mexico.

The Backstory
These friends, you must understand, go back to in-utero.

RL was born 2 months before me.  When we were born our parents lived in the same neighborhood, our houses were just 1 house apart (her mom and my parents, to this day, still live in the same homes!).    We went to Montessori together but then went to different schools for elementary and high school.

UD moved in 1 house down on the other side of me when we were all 4 years old (she's an October baby). We all became the best of friends.  UD and I went to the same middle & high school.  We walked to/from the bus stop together every day.  RL's boyfriend used to drive us/pick us up for high school our Sophomore year (because he went to our school).

Funny story that both RL and UD had parrots at their house... my  house being in the middle heard the squawking from both sides!

UD & RL were roommates at the same college!  Today they still live in my hometown (they are definitely a driving reason for me to consider moving home).

We played barbies together. We went to RL's for MTV's debut (I wasn't allowed to have MTV).  We played tons of Atari tennis at RL's (my parents wouldn't buy me video games).  UD's family had HBO (are you kidding, we absolutely NEVER had HBO)!!!

Growing up in FL we were very clever about how to crack coconuts, although we realized how clever our parents were to send us outside to find a coconut with a screwdriver and a hammer... we were out of their hair all day.  We choreographed a dance to Prince's "When Doves Cry", which we reenacted this weekend, surprisingly (or sadly) accurately.

We founded the Huffy Kid Club, for the kids in the neighborhood who had Huffy bikes (that would just be RL and UD) and I was an exception even though I had a Schwinn.

Recent History
RL and UD don't see each other very often although they live a mile apart... busy lives, although they do see each other occasionally (RL actually lives around the corner from my sister). Whenever I make it to my hometown (maybe twice a year) we are sure to get together!

Three years ago we went to NYC together, finally, after talking about doing a trip together for years.  We saw a broadway show (Legally Blonde), shopped, got our palms read and took in the experience of the city together.

We've been talking about doing something to mark our 40th year together for years.  We talk about retiring in the same community (although since they have kids ranging from college age to elementary school age, I am trailing behind in being able to retire, after kids).

They are super supportive and sincerely sympathetic of what I'm going through trying to become a SMC overcoming infertility.  My heart was happy because there was no judgment or 'why don't you just...' statements.  They even understand my current weight gain is much due to the year of super-hormones.  


The Weekend

Courtesy of Google Images

Shortly after they landed we headed to a Zumba class, which was a riot!  We then went to the grocery store where they continued to showcase their new zumba moves up and down the aisles trying to embarrass me, they have always lived to embarrass me.

Friday, we had massages and facials scheduled at the spa.  We were welcome to go early, which we did, to use their gym and pool.  We even had lunch catered poolside.  The entire day was such a treat!

We went to see Bridesmaids later that evening.  If you have not seen it, you must!  It was absolutely hysterical!  I actually laughed until I screamed!!!

We tried to get our palms read but didn't have luck finding a 'reputable' astrologer in Char.lotte.  We took it as a sign that we were not meant to have our palms read at this time (I'm not sure that's anything but a bad sign).

We shopped on Saturday and went out to dinner and then a local pub.

Each of us are experiencing significant, life-changing shit in our lives; each shit is different than the other.  Yet we talked and supported each other.  We talked and laughed and cried.

While spending the weekend with RL and UD makes me remember how blessed I am to have such amazing friends, when I left them at the airport, I choked back tears.
 

Do I or Don't I?

First of all, thank you for your wonderful comments of support from my last post.  Secondly, I really want to change the tone of my blog from whiney (about IF) to something more positive... but then something happens again and I have to work through it on the blog... feel free to skip over if you can't take more on my IF woe's.

Today is the day to start my second pack of 'active' BCP's.  I had to call the nurse because the pharmacy said it was too soon to refill the Rx.  She got that worked out but I asked her if she had my EFT (endo biopsy) results back yet.  After fumbling around she found them and started to read things to me... she might as well have been speaking a foreign language.  She said the bottom line was something showed slightly abnormal  and it might be the endometriosis that the CA125 test had indicated was a possibility.

So the doctor wants me to have another CA125 test after this second round of BCP's and then go into yet a THIRD cycle of BCP's leading into my next IVF cycle.  I was crushed.  A third cycle of BCP's, that's 63 days... which would put me into late July before I could possibly start stimming for IVF3.0?  For treating POSSIBLE endometriosis??  This puts me at 5 months in-between IVF's... what happened to No Cycle Shall Be Without A Purpose?

So do I have endo or don't I??  I have no idea.

I asked if I could talk to Dr. T about the test results and the possible diagnosis, even if by phone.  I was informed that Dr. T doesn't "do" phone consults but I could make an appointment.  Of course, I know that means at LEAST 4 weeks before I can talk to her, I'll be in my 3rd cycle of BCP's by then.

I was blinking back tears at the pharmacy this afternoon picking up the BCP's I need because I can't get pregnant... it sucks and it doesn't make sense.

Second Opinion

I had my phone consult with Dr. Su.rr.y at CCRM last week while at the beach.  He does suspect that with my 2 chemical pregnancies (he agreed that's what they were) it's likely an embryo quality issue.  He recommends PGS (Preimplantation Genetic Screening) with my next IVF cycle to get a better idea of my embryo quality.  He also talked about how different labs impact the quality of the embryo.

He also doesn't believe in using the CA125 test to diagnose endometriosis (it is a test commonly used for cervical cancer) and it could mean MANY things, especially given it was barely above the normal threshhold.  Apparently the use of the CA125 test as an indicator for endo started at Wake Forest so he suspected it was picked up by my clinic due to the local connection.  He doesn't believe in using BCP's for endometriosis control, he would use Lupron priming.  He doesn't believe in the EFT (endo biopsy) as it's not validated outside of the Yale research facility.

If I work with CCRM, I would need to travel to Colorado 3 times... 1) Initial evaluation/workup; 2) Egg Retrieval; 3) FET (after PGS results)

There was a lot more to the consult but I'm trying to keep this post condensed.

Do I stop taking the BCP and go to CCRM for my next cycle or don't I?  I have a pro/con list in my head.

Pros

• New lab 
• New doctor
• More info on the embryos
• Moving forward within next 2 weeks
• Local monitoring (via my current clinic, is that a pro or con?

Cons

• New doctor not as familiar with my history
• I'm 1/3 through the BCP protocol (should I need to start it again one day, I'll have to start over)
• Travel/time away from work
• What happens if my CCRM IVF doesn't work?

In the meantime, I'm at a loss for whether I can schedule a trip with 2 of my oldest girlfriends to celebrate our 40th birthday's... we were thinking late July.  If I stay with Dr. T, I'll be stimming in late July. If I go to CCRM, I'm not sure (depends on when I stop the BCP's) but my ER could be mid-July so we might be able to do our trip (depending on how I swing things with work).

Decisions... I wish someone could just tell me what to do for a change, because I have NO IDEA.

I'm Sorry, Life is So Unfair

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, life is so unfair.

These are the best words of support you can offer to a friend who is struggling with infertility.  Especially if...

• you don't know what to say or how to support your infertile friend
• you have a child of your own
• you have never struggled with infertility
• you have been drinking heavily ALL day!

WHAT NOT TO SAY under any of these circumstances (and many, many unnamed circumstances as well)...

• she needs to take a break for a while and get back to the person you remember her to be (because somehow the months in-between March 2011's IVF2.0 and hopefully July's IVF3.0 is not actually a break?)
• she should take a break and lose weight
• tell her she doesn't have any idea how hard pregnancy is and how crazy pregnancy makes a woman (even though she's been swallowing, injecting and inserting thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of hormones over the last year)
• you didn't know how to respond to the information she was sharing about the second opinion consult she had that morning (the appointment she waited 6 weeks to have, even though she had to take the call from the beach trip) so you kept asking questions about using Facebook during her debrief with the other girls who actually wanted to know what the doctor had just said
• she shouldn't refer to the spare room in her house as the "one-day nursery" because SHE DOESN'T HAVE A BABY or a NURSERY, it's just a ROOM
• she should stop trying and it will happen (hello, you know I'm single - plus this happens in 5% of the cases of infertile women... that means 95% of the time, an infertile doesn't get pregnant when you 'stop trying'.)

While you may INTEND for this conversation to be supportive and well-meaning out of concern for your infertile friend, it's not.  Instead, what you have done is...

• broken your infertile friend's heart
• made your infertile friend feel more alone than she's ever felt before 
• made your infertile friend decide she will no longer talk about her infertility with you and other close friends, she will now elect to suffer in silence (other than her online & IRL infertility support groups)
• made your infertile friend not want to spend time with you (which is difficult since you are currently sharing a room on vacation)
• made your infertile friend need a second Xana.x in the middle of the night in order to sleep
• made your infertile friend debate whether she can even write about this on her blog since you have access to the link, although she doesn't think you actually read it (this blog is my safe place and how I process things, especially for support of those who may understand)
• made your infertile friend have doubts about being able to continue with our annual beach trip tradition
• made your infertile friend FEEL GUILTY for her hurt feelings because she knows that your intention behind your comments was well-meaning even though the comments hurt her to the core

The struggle of infertility is a tremendous hardship financially, physically and emotionally.  If you have not been through this type of struggle, please keep your "well-meaning" comments to yourself.  

The best way I can describe a fleeting moment of how an infertile feels to a fertile person...

1. Think about your children
2. Now think about a time before you had your children
3. Now imagine someone has told you that you will never have your children, they will not exist
4. Think about that fleeting moment of fear and your stomach sinking... wouldn't you go to the ends of the earth to get to your children?

An infertile knows their child is meant to be... and she is doing whatever it takes to get to her child!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, life is so unfair.

100th Episode

You may recall that Seinfeld, one of the top sitcoms of all time, put together summaries of their episode milestones.

Courtesy of Google Images

This is my 100th blog post, my 100th episode.  In the spirit of Seinfeld, here is the first 100 posts in review.

Never would I have imagined when I started this blog that 21 months later I wouldn't have my baby in my arms.  I envisioned wacky tales of figuring out how to buy donor sperm, getting inseminated at the doctors office (rather than by candlelight) and the experience of being pregnant, preparing for baby.  I thought that perhaps like Julie & Julia, my unique (I thought it would be unique when I started) blog would get picked up for movie rights, blazing the way for other SMC's (this was before The Backup Plan, The Switch, and The Kids are Alright - we've come a long way, baby).  As I broke into the blog world, I realized that there was a wide-world of SMC's... and later learned more than I ever wanted to know about the in's & out's of infertility.

The Pilot: The pilot episode aired in August of 2009, but it didn't get picked up for the season. It was a good learning opportunity as I connected with my first SMC-wanna-be's and created my Twitter persona to align with the blog.  I had some housekeeping to be done, in the terms to getting back to a steady-corporate income, before things could move forward.

Syndicated:  It took approximately 8 months for me to get things into place and under way.  My blog picked back up in May of 2010, just in time for a hysteroscopy and my first IUI.  I was going to be a mom, a SMC, in 9 months!!  ....only things didn't work out that way...

I didn't get pregnant right away.  I continued IUI's while new SMC friends I had connected with got their BFPs.  I began to deal with the idea that it might take me longer than I imagined to begin my life as an SMC.  And it hurt.

After several failed IUI's I finally went back to work for my former employer, the one that laid me off after 12 years of service, the one with great benefits.  Getting laid off in early 2009 was a big hit to my ego, very much defined by my career at that time and much of the reason my SMC TTC got to such a slow start.  Going back was a lesson of swallowing my pride, in the interest of what is best for me and my future family.  This employer has not only good maternity benefits, it has good infertility coverage as well.

Advancing from IUI to IVF:  My 6th IUI gave me a glimpse of hope, as I had implantation bleeding and a BFP a few days before my beta, but as fast as it appeared, it went away.  I started my period an hour before trick-or-treaters came on Halloween night.  I was actually happy because I had never gotten to this level of success previously, even though it ended in failure.

My 6th IUI also allowed me to hit a milestone I wish I never met, an official diagnosis of "Unexplained Infertility".

IVF1.0:  November/December 2010 was my first IVF.  Surely moving to IVF would get me to my dream of being a mom!    Three days before Christmas my BFN is confirmed.  I was devastated and trying to figure out how to make it through the snowbound family holiday.

Bringing in the New Year was tough, especially when I learned a high school friend announced her third pregnancy the day after her 3 year wedding anniversary.

IVF2.0:  By the end of January I was preparing to start my second IVF.  My response to the protocol was much improved and I had one (of many) HPT that turned positive... that was an afternoon of hope, elation and joy I've not felt in so long, even knowing it was early  

Regrouping:  Sadly, there has been more negativity and sadness in my blog than I would ever have imagined.  As I ventured out of the world of hopeful SMC to the world of a single Infertile woman, things got really difficult.  I wish this were the blog I planned, about a single woman happily becoming a mom, and I pray one day that it can be 'that blog'.

My Bloggies:  The best part about this, my 100th post, is recognizing the amazing women I have met along the way!  We may not be neighbors, but I know I am not alone.  We may not be in the same place on our paths, but your support never waivers.  At times, this blog, and your comments are a lifeline.  And I am happy that at times, I can support you.

Thank you for being with me, during the good and the bad.  It's time for more GOOD.

My Resolve

I went to my first Resolve meeting this week (for those lucky enough not to know, Resolve is an Infertility support/advocacy organization).  I was supposed to go to my first one in December, but my IVF1.0 Retrieval happened the same day.   There was no January meeting and I never actually got added to the local group's mailing list so February/March passed.  I reconnected with the leader but I was traveling in April so here it is May... and I finally went to my first meeting.

Back when I was seeing my Infertility therapist, Dr. G, she was a little skeptical about me joining up with the local Resolve group.  She was concerned meeting other women suffering from infertility may not be healthy for me.  Really?

As one woman in the group put it, no one who isn't or has not been through IF truly understands what we feel.  That she wants to talk about IF, with someone who understands, and she wants to talk about it all the time.  She's sad and she's pissed off and she believes she was put on this earth to be a mom.  She said everything I felt, and everyone else in the room.

There were at least 15 women at the meeting.  While it's "scheduled" to be 90 minutes, we were there for 3 hours... and apparently that's pretty standard.  It starts with some informal announcements, then it's an open opportunity for each woman to share what's going on (since the last meeting).   

There were women just starting to seek medical assistance after TTC on their own and there were women who had been trying for many, many years... and many women somewhere inbetween.  One woman was headed to Colorado the next day for her FET, several were in their 2ww, one is just about to embark on her first IVF.  A few of us have begun considering, or down the path of donor egg.  One woman had just... finally (after multiple years)... had a diagnosis that uterus is shredded (after multiple losses, D&C's) and she'll never sustain a pregnancy.

For those who know me, you know I've come to a certain acceptance, even comfort level, of being a single mom.  And as I listened and shared, I was reminded again of the advantages & disadvantages of going at this on my own.

There were stories of supportive husbands who attended appointments, gave shots and offered support unconditionally.  And there were stories of husbands who dragged their feet with every decision, who were ready to give up and felt their wives didn't think that they (the husband) were enough which is why the wives had this unrelenting drive to overcome infertility.  Women were reading the book What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting to see if their husbands actually did read the book.

A couple of the husbands, not necessarily religious, required that they consult their priest/rabbi, before making decisions about IVF, Donor Egg, Adoption.

While I would love someone to mix my vials and tell me which syringe goes with which drug, even someone who would inject me and hold me when I cry, I am thankful that I, alone, am responsible for my decisions.  I can ponder or move forward as I come to terms with things in my own time, however little or much time as it takes.

I found it enlightening when several of them mentioned how their husbands just don't want them to be in pain anymore and that they are not the same women that they married.  I can relate to that.  I'm not the same person.  Infertility changes you.  You become very much single minded, as you are your own best advocate.  You do everything you can to remain in control of an uncontrollable situation (creating charts, calendars, schedules, etc).

I know I've turned down the opportunity to be introduced to men, because I don't recognize myself... I don't have the energy to focus on someone else, especially someone who wont really know me.  I know I'm still in here somewhere... but this life of ongoing limbo, desperately wanting to move into the next phase without success, this limbo-stranger will not leave until I know my child is safely on its way.  Until I'm able to experience real JOY again.

Other Updates

Endo Biopsy:  One year ago today, Cinco de Mayo, I had my Hysteroscopy to remove my uterine polyp.  Today, I had my Endometrial Biopsy for my Endometrial Function Test (EFT).

My Mom Had Endo: When I sent my mom the video explaining the EFT, she emailed me later and said, I just realized I should tell you, I had Endometriosis.  My mom had a hysterectomy when I was quite young but I was to little to understand what was happening; I just knew that my sister and I had to stay at my Grandmothers house for several days.  How did I NOT know my mom had Endo?  How, in all of these years did I not ask her about it?

But I have no signs of Endo myself.

IVF3.0:  When AF arrives, that will be the start of my pre-IVF cycle.  I'll start Estrogen priming after ovulation.  I had thought I was going straight into Stimulation thinking I'd have the ER/ET the week before Memorial Day.  The good news is, that would have been the same week as my annual beach trip with sorority sisters.  I'm disappointed it's going to be 2 more cycles until IVF3.0, I'm happy I'll get to enjoy my beach trip.

Mothers Day:  I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna hurt.

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24 - 30 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  I've been very active on Twitter this week in support of NIAW. 

For NIAW this year, Resolve has challenged the IF community to Bust A Myth about Infertility.  I've been contemplating this blog post all month, but for some reason I've been unable to sit down and write it.  I've written the post in my head, but when I try to write it, it's blank.  So be warned, I have no idea what's to come in the paragraphs ahead.

As many myths as there are about infertility, I really want to write about the Truths.

MYTH: Single women are not infertile, they just need a partner.

TRUTH: Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive.  If you are over the age of 35, the time of TTC is reduced to 6 months.  I started TTC at 38 and every cycle has been under the care of an RE.  I can't help but wonder if I had started years before if I would have struggled with infertility or not?  So many young couples experience infertility!  1 in 4 women in their late 30's and 40's will experience fertility challenges. 

MYTH: If you are infertile, do IVF, it always works.

TRUTH:  Infertility is a medical problem that can be emotionally, socially and financially crippling. IVF is unbelievably expensive with no guarantees, it does NOT work for everyone. And if the magic bullet (IVF) doesn't work, the heartbreak is extraordinary.  I've had two failed IVF's and I'm blessed with very good infertility insurance coverage.  Even with this coverage each cycle still has significant uncovered costs.  I would not be able to afford to continue treatment without my insurance coverage.  I'm one of the few lucky ones who are covered, most are not.

I had so much more to say, but I just don't feel like I'm doing the topic justice.  I'm on my second consecutive cycle with 0% chance of success (no treatments) which is simply frustrating. 

For what it's worth, I did post this week on Facebook for the first time anything related to my TTC/SMC/Infertility.  I didn't directly "come out" on Facebook, this is what I posted: 

"Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, soul crushing, life-altering experience.  April 24 - 30 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of people are fighting day in and day out, post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to Hell and back for the chance to be a MOM! Visit Resolve for more information."

Anyone who has followed my blog for any period of time knows the emotional toll infertility has taken on me.  They also know, I wont give up!

One last message, if you know someone who struggles with primary infertility (the inability to conceive their first child) please be very sensitive to them with Mother's Day coming up in a week.  For me, Mother's Day is the most difficult holiday and a HUGE reminder of my pain.

For more information on NIAW visit http://www.resolve.org/takecharge or 

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 

A Small Victory over IF

This morning, less than 24 hours after my confirmed failure of IVF2.0, I decided that I couldn't bare to spend the day on my couch crying and feeling sorry for myself watching reruns on the SoapNetwork (One Tree Hill & Gilmore Girls).  It's a beautiful Spring weekend in North Carolina and I had two different places I should be today, other than my couch.

As afraid as I was that in the presence of people I would fall apart and sob uncontrollably, I listened to the resolve mantra I had been telling myself throughout my 2ww...  I have to start living again.  I can't let infertility win and continue to take everything in its path.

So I made breakfast, showered, took care of the dogs (food, water, dog door - they don't need me for anything else), I got in the car and drove the 160 miles to Raleigh.

I did quite well on the drive over, calling my mom to let her know I was taking a day trip.  I had a few bouts of tears but no real breakdown.

I arrived at the resort (conference center) and immediately found the restroom ( I consumed 64 oz of water on my trip over).  As soon as I walked into the conference room - this was a Choice Mom's Conference, I began to lose my composure.  I quickly excused myself, got myself together and went in again.

I'm so glad I went.  I met Mikki Morrissette (and was so disappointed I didn't think to bring my copy of her book Choosing Single Motherhood for her autograph).  I also was sitting right next to JellyBean Mama but didn't connect who she was until late in the day... and I got to meet the JellyBean herself... as adorable as she looks in her photos (actually MORE adorable).  I had the opportunity to meet and talk with Amy in NC (a blog follower who helped inspire me to overcome my fear and attend the conference) and BunInTheOvenPlease, who is a new blogger and writes eloquently.

In addition to all of these amazing women, the room was full of maybe 30 amazing Choice Mom's, Tryers and Thinkers.

There was a representative from California Cryobank, a Financial Planner, an Psychologist (specializing in single motherhood, infertility) and a local RE.

The discussion and networking was therapeutic.  Even the drive was therapeutic.

I'm so thankful that today I WON, instead of infertility.  Infertility would have kept me on the couch indulging self pity.  Instead I took charge, kept my plans, continued to live, made new friends/connections and feel satisfied.

New Score:
Infertility 8 cycles vs. BB 1 day (and counting)