Curiosity and Connection vs. Control

When I’m living in my “highest parenting self” moments and respond to my child’s vulnerability with genuine curiosity and thoughtful questions, I AM OFTEN AMAZED at their ability to think deeply, grow in new ways, draw thoughtful conclusions and create THEIR OWN empowering action plans.

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For example, when my child tells me about an “annoying,” or “rude,” or “mean” person - these are some of the questions that may be a part of that type of conversation. Hopefully these spark an idea that can be useful/helpful for fellow parents out there:

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“That sounds really hard. What felt most frustrating to you about this situation?”

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“It sounds like this person feels angry, have you considered what they may be experiencing in their life outside of school that could be hard for them right now?”

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“Wow, that’s a tricky situation to be in the middle of! What are some ideas you can brainstorm to navigate through this?”

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“That must’ve felt painful, I’m sorry. Did this experience teach you something new about yourself that might help you in future situations?

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“I can sense how upsetting this was, I’m sorry sweetheart. Do you have any thoughts on setting a boundary in this relationship and/or respectfully speak your truth? What do you feel would be a helpful choice for you to make right now?”

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“It sounds like this was a really hard day and what you need is just a listening ear - I am right here to listen. It’s perfectly okay to just feel these sad/mad/angry/frustrated feelings.”

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Realizing that we don’t have to “fix” our children or “solve” all of their problems is a gift on SO many levels!!

Her Inner Beauty Shines Through

Recently Brinley wanted to acknowledge a teacher at her school. She is very sensitive to, and often upset by, how poorly teachers are treated by students these days - and she has, on multiple occasions, found ways to show up in kindness and appreciation for her teachers. In fact, just yesterday she came home with a massive binder filled with forms to alphabetically organize for one of her teachers - just because she knew that it was the last thing her teacher would want to spend hours doing. 

This is a letter she recently gave to one of her teachers along with a book that she bought for him, with her money. She also went directly to the principal and gave him the same letter to shine a spotlight on how wonderful this teacher is. Mr. Walsh was recognized in a staff meeting for his efforts and also, when he received the gift and letter from Brinley, he broke into tears. He said that "this was the nicest thing a student has ever done for me."

I really appreciate and admire how Brinley finds ways, entirely on her own, to show gratitude and appreciation for people. She is a wonderful example to her sisters and her parents. We also love to see how excited and joyful she feels when she is able to lift the spirits of those she acknowledges. 

Dear Mr. Walsh,

I thought I’d give this book to you because it greatly influenced the way I look at challenges and failure. I have NEVER been a math person. It has without fail been the subject that has caused me the most frustration and has been my worst grade for years. I read this book a while back (the author is good friends with my family) and it really transformed the way I look at my life. So I decided at the beginning of the year that I wanted to be good at math and that I was going to do everything I had to to make that happen. It’s been really empowering to work really hard for something that I’m not naturally inclined to and get even better grades than I was expecting. To prove myself wrong in my preconceived idea that I was just not good at math.

I also think that one of the key reasons I have been able to achieve this goal is because of your sincere effort as a teacher to go above and beyond what is in your job description. I think teachers go seriously underappreciated, ESPECIALLY high school teachers, because teenagers don’t really show gratitude like they should. 

Thank you so much. For devoting so much time and coming to help me at least 13 times a class period, for answering my questions before school and helping me feel better about upcoming exams or tests when I freak myself out, for explaining everything thoroughly and not just sitting at your desk waiting for kids to come to you with questions, explaining things differently if I don’t understand, taking the time to get to the bottom of a problem when it doesn’t work out initially. There are plenty of teachers who do the bare minimum, and one thing I hope teachers know is that the kids know pretty fast if they like their job or not… and it makes a big difference in the classroom atmosphere! Just in case you aren’t in on the high school teacher gossip, people like your class and love the way you teach! 

One thing I also really appreciate is your care for us as people and not just math students. I really enjoy when teachers ask us about our day, the weekend, the football game, just anything that’s not related to the subject matter, because it shows you care. 

Thank you for being a teacher I will never forget in my high school career and really shifting the way I saw math from a dreaded credit requirement to something I can be proud of and actually mildly enjoy (never thought I’d hear those words come out of my mouth). 

Your efforts to show up for all of us as students and people don’t go unnoticed. I hope this can be a reminder for you years down the road if you’re still teaching that the little things make a HUGE difference. I enjoy starting my day off in your class and I am so happy that I finally have a math teacher that is effective, understands the way I learn, and cares. Enjoy the book, and thank you for all of the things you do for me individually and the class at large!!

Sincerely,

Brinley

Dear Daughter - Grades

Dear Daughters,

Throughout the years, your teachers have taken great care in detailing out your academic progress using a variety of test scores, charts and age appropriate academic baselines. During parent conference I listen and patiently wait for the question that always comes, 

“Do you have any questions Mrs. Young?”

And I always do...

Do you observe her showing kindness and compassion? Does she treat you and her peers respectfully? Have you noticed that she is inclusive of all types of friends? Is she obedient when asked to do something? Do you feel she is trying her best? Is she helpful in the classroom? Is she honest?

These are the developmental milestones I am most interested in.

Daughters, developing your character and being aligned in your values will mean most in the journey of life. Your grades, quality of relationships, work experiences, etc... they are all a byproduct of who you choose to be and strive to become. Do your best in school, because trying your best is one of your core values, not because your inherent worth is tied up in a score or letter grade. Your parents will always celebrate your efforts, and the lessons you learn, over the final result. 

xo, Mommy

(Pic. Avery + Mommy 2006)