Curiosity and Connection vs. Control

When I’m living in my “highest parenting self” moments and respond to my child’s vulnerability with genuine curiosity and thoughtful questions, I AM OFTEN AMAZED at their ability to think deeply, grow in new ways, draw thoughtful conclusions and create THEIR OWN empowering action plans.

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For example, when my child tells me about an “annoying,” or “rude,” or “mean” person - these are some of the questions that may be a part of that type of conversation. Hopefully these spark an idea that can be useful/helpful for fellow parents out there:

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“That sounds really hard. What felt most frustrating to you about this situation?”

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“It sounds like this person feels angry, have you considered what they may be experiencing in their life outside of school that could be hard for them right now?”

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“Wow, that’s a tricky situation to be in the middle of! What are some ideas you can brainstorm to navigate through this?”

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“That must’ve felt painful, I’m sorry. Did this experience teach you something new about yourself that might help you in future situations?

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“I can sense how upsetting this was, I’m sorry sweetheart. Do you have any thoughts on setting a boundary in this relationship and/or respectfully speak your truth? What do you feel would be a helpful choice for you to make right now?”

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“It sounds like this was a really hard day and what you need is just a listening ear - I am right here to listen. It’s perfectly okay to just feel these sad/mad/angry/frustrated feelings.”

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Realizing that we don’t have to “fix” our children or “solve” all of their problems is a gift on SO many levels!!

Her Inner Beauty Shines Through

Recently Brinley wanted to acknowledge a teacher at her school. She is very sensitive to, and often upset by, how poorly teachers are treated by students these days - and she has, on multiple occasions, found ways to show up in kindness and appreciation for her teachers. In fact, just yesterday she came home with a massive binder filled with forms to alphabetically organize for one of her teachers - just because she knew that it was the last thing her teacher would want to spend hours doing. 

This is a letter she recently gave to one of her teachers along with a book that she bought for him, with her money. She also went directly to the principal and gave him the same letter to shine a spotlight on how wonderful this teacher is. Mr. Walsh was recognized in a staff meeting for his efforts and also, when he received the gift and letter from Brinley, he broke into tears. He said that "this was the nicest thing a student has ever done for me."

I really appreciate and admire how Brinley finds ways, entirely on her own, to show gratitude and appreciation for people. She is a wonderful example to her sisters and her parents. We also love to see how excited and joyful she feels when she is able to lift the spirits of those she acknowledges. 

Dear Mr. Walsh,

I thought I’d give this book to you because it greatly influenced the way I look at challenges and failure. I have NEVER been a math person. It has without fail been the subject that has caused me the most frustration and has been my worst grade for years. I read this book a while back (the author is good friends with my family) and it really transformed the way I look at my life. So I decided at the beginning of the year that I wanted to be good at math and that I was going to do everything I had to to make that happen. It’s been really empowering to work really hard for something that I’m not naturally inclined to and get even better grades than I was expecting. To prove myself wrong in my preconceived idea that I was just not good at math.

I also think that one of the key reasons I have been able to achieve this goal is because of your sincere effort as a teacher to go above and beyond what is in your job description. I think teachers go seriously underappreciated, ESPECIALLY high school teachers, because teenagers don’t really show gratitude like they should. 

Thank you so much. For devoting so much time and coming to help me at least 13 times a class period, for answering my questions before school and helping me feel better about upcoming exams or tests when I freak myself out, for explaining everything thoroughly and not just sitting at your desk waiting for kids to come to you with questions, explaining things differently if I don’t understand, taking the time to get to the bottom of a problem when it doesn’t work out initially. There are plenty of teachers who do the bare minimum, and one thing I hope teachers know is that the kids know pretty fast if they like their job or not… and it makes a big difference in the classroom atmosphere! Just in case you aren’t in on the high school teacher gossip, people like your class and love the way you teach! 

One thing I also really appreciate is your care for us as people and not just math students. I really enjoy when teachers ask us about our day, the weekend, the football game, just anything that’s not related to the subject matter, because it shows you care. 

Thank you for being a teacher I will never forget in my high school career and really shifting the way I saw math from a dreaded credit requirement to something I can be proud of and actually mildly enjoy (never thought I’d hear those words come out of my mouth). 

Your efforts to show up for all of us as students and people don’t go unnoticed. I hope this can be a reminder for you years down the road if you’re still teaching that the little things make a HUGE difference. I enjoy starting my day off in your class and I am so happy that I finally have a math teacher that is effective, understands the way I learn, and cares. Enjoy the book, and thank you for all of the things you do for me individually and the class at large!!

Sincerely,

Brinley

Dear Daughter - Grades

Dear Daughters,

Throughout the years, your teachers have taken great care in detailing out your academic progress using a variety of test scores, charts and age appropriate academic baselines. During parent conference I listen and patiently wait for the question that always comes, 

“Do you have any questions Mrs. Young?”

And I always do...

Do you observe her showing kindness and compassion? Does she treat you and her peers respectfully? Have you noticed that she is inclusive of all types of friends? Is she obedient when asked to do something? Do you feel she is trying her best? Is she helpful in the classroom? Is she honest?

These are the developmental milestones I am most interested in.

Daughters, developing your character and being aligned in your values will mean most in the journey of life. Your grades, quality of relationships, work experiences, etc... they are all a byproduct of who you choose to be and strive to become. Do your best in school, because trying your best is one of your core values, not because your inherent worth is tied up in a score or letter grade. Your parents will always celebrate your efforts, and the lessons you learn, over the final result. 

xo, Mommy

(Pic. Avery + Mommy 2006)

Christmas Post for Parenting After Mormonism

Oftentimes as parents transitioning out of the church struggle, we may feel uncomfortable with the new reality that we actually don’t have all the answers - especially the answers to what we may consider are THE most important questions. 

What we’ve learned in our transition has been that having the “answers” for our children was never actually the most important thing, rather fostering a home environment where exploration is applauded, differentiation is celebrated and where everyone feels heard, seen, valued, honored and loved - this is far more important, in my opinion, than parents who have all the answers. 

We recently facilitated a family conversation about Christmastime. I’ll do my best to offer a summary of it below, to capture how our parenting paradigm has changed from a linear, right/wrong, this is how it happened and here are all the answers, into what it looks like today. I will omit all the answers offered, for the sake of length, but I hope this can be helpful as you reconsider what feels supportive for your family this time of year:

“Christmastime is different for our family now, how does that make you feel? 

Some of us may feel sad, some of us may feel happy, and some of us may feel a bit confused, and girls, all of those different feelings are okay - we all can and will feel differently as old patterns shift. Can you tell us more about those feelings? 

What are some of the things that you miss about how we did Christmas before? What are ways that we can still honor those traditions that feel important, taking into consideration where everyone is at now in how they feel about the Jesus story? 

Jesus did offer a wonderful example, indeed, just as so many other people have who’ve lived throughout time and who are even alive today. What qualities do you admire in people? Who are some people with those qualities that you admire? 

It sounds like there are so many people who are living brave and giving lives that we can celebrate, just like how we celebrate Jesus during Christmas for the example he offered? 

How would it feel for you if in our family we made Christmastime a celebration of many brave people we admire, including Jesus? What are some things we can do to honor these kinds of people? Would you like to hear what actually happened historically when Jesus was born? 

(we read a historically accurate summary) 

Wow, isn’t it interesting how the story we hear about today is really different from what actually happened? How does that make you feel? Stories are really powerful in our culture, and they have been throughout much of human history. Sometimes we just believe the stories we are told, but look what happens as we dig deeper and question those stories - we get to discover new things!”

The framework for what we consider healthy conversations isn’t rooted in a right/wrong, good/bad paradigm anymore. Now that we have settled into a relationship with our children in which we don’t claim to have all the answers, we’ve felt more connected to them, in new and meaningful and more authentic ways. 

A Gift to Never be Forgotten

This is a letter that Brinley gave to me on my 38th birthday. 

The gift was this beautiful gold necklace and earrings. 

The letter and gift were profoundly meaningful to me.

Dear Mom,

I was thinking a lot about the different seasons of a testimony that Avery learned about at Girls camp and it was bothering me because I couldn’t figure out which season we fit into anymore. 

Our leaves on our tree aren’t “dead” - we’ve grown. They aren’t in “full bloom” - we don’t have a testimony of the church anymore. I decided they left a season out, the one that our family has stepped into, thanks to your bravery to step a toe out of the box, learn what broke your heart, and still keep going - THIS is the season of the golden tree, your leaves are golden now. 

You have stepped past dogma, needing validation from an organization and the approval of others in it. You’ve grown out of a belief system and into freedom with an open mind and more compassionate heart. This is the highest and most beautiful state of living. 

Your worthiness is no longer dependent on your conviction and how long your testimony stays in the “summer” phase. The golden tree isn’t a phase or a season, it is something you awakened; a place you can stay for the rest of your life. 

The big leaf on this necklace represents the awakening you led yourself through by letting the uncomfortable into your heart, right by where the necklace lays. The earrings have four little leaves on them, representing the journey you have guided us on, respecting each of our paths, even the turns that might feel uncomfortable to you. You have raised four little leaves and awakened us to our golden tree we never knew was there until you took the biggest leap of faith in your whole life. 

If I had to thank you for doing one thing for me in my 16 years, it would be telling me what broke my heart, changed my life, and ultimately led me to my golden tree. 

I love you Mama, happy birthday!

Love, Brinley. 

Do you believe in God?

Sometimes I’m asked if I still believe in God. 

There are currently about 5,000 versions of God being worshiped, so my first question would be “what God are you referring to?”

If your God:

*Has ever marginalized or oppressed any group of human beings in the past or in the present

*Has created a planet wherein only .02% or .15% or 50% or 75% or 90% of humanity will figure out the right plan and get back to the right heaven

*Requires strict obedience over integrity or conscience or evidence to the contrary

*Creates fear around learning about human history or science or the roots of religion

*Is an anthropomorphic white male who has commissioned religions throughout history, and up to this very day, to be predominantly patriarchal

*Commands people to fly planes into buildings, mutilate female genitalia, begin wars, protect sexual predators, take child brides, or any other act that is harmful to our human family

*Supports religious dogma responsible for breaking apart families, catastrophic suicide and depression rates, and the practice of shaming or blaming those who do not adhere to any one of the over 4,500 versions of religion currently being practiced

*Doesn’t somehow know that the circumstances into which a human is born (culture, race, place on the map) will determine what flavor of God they worship, religion they practice and dogma they believe in

…then my answer is no, I do not believe in that God. The more I study human history, the more I come to realize that we, as evolving human beings, have over time created an expansive variety of Gods in our image, to serve our purposes, not the other way around.

The only kind of “God” that resonates with me now is one who says:

“My table is big enough to encircle all of humanity, from beginning to end, fully, without question. Look into the eyes of your human family at my fully inclusive table, those who’ve been raised in cultures and religions and with ideas that are completely foreign to yours. When you learn to love and accept them fully, without judgement, acknowledging that they are perfectly worthy…when you begin to see what makes you the same, not different - only then will you even begin to grasp what I am and what truly matters for your growth.”

I sense that within the question “do you believe in God,” lives an underlying and unspoken feeling, “Do you belong within my tribe, are you one of us, are you following what I’ve been conditioned to see as the correct way, is there hope left for you?” And my response is this - do we really need qualifying questions to determine if we are willing to make enough room for everyone at our “table?”

My Answer is YES

This weekend we spent time with a beautiful family who is in the process of awakening. The Mother left four months ago and her husbands shelf came painfully crashing down two weeks ago. He is admittedly in the “will I ever feel happy and normal again phase.” One of his questions to us was “Do you really feel happy and how?” I am going to share with you my answer to this question, because hopefully it can help someone here.

My answer: Whole heartedly, undeniably, enthusiastically YES YES YES, and here are just a few reasons why:

1. 
   
2. 
   
3. I have felt an unquenchable thirst for learning, and that thirst has sent me on a journey that has awakened my soul in a way I truly NEVER thought was possible. My mind feels like it has literally exploded, in a good way, into new realms and new awakenings, that bring more beauty,
4. presence and joy into my life.
5. 
   
6. 1. Navigating our transition skillfully meant learning new relationship skills that have proven to positively impact every relationship. Learning how to implement boundaries, determine levels of vulnerability and operate from an inner space that feels rooted and thoughtful - it has been SO empowering.
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8. 2. My body/soul actually FEELS lighter - it’s true! It has been SO healing and joyful to shed layers of shame, never “enoughness,” sticking to a script/program and a culture that was, at times, in opposition to my personal core values.
9. The relationships we have with our children have evolved into a more authentic space, leaving us feeling more in tune, more real and more connected to them. My biggest fear in leaving the church was our children, yet now we feel that we have given them a wonderful gift.
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11. 3. Our marriage has expanded in ways that would have never been possible in the church. I want to be sensitive here, because I know that the opposite can be true, and that literally makes my heart hurt. For us, fortunately, we feel more real, more seen, more loved and just happier now together than we did in the past.
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13. 4. MORE TIME - HELLO! We had NO idea how much time and effort actually went into church contributions, especially for Cody. Not only do we have Sundays, but now Saturdays are not jam packed with getting ready for Sunday - so they are more relaxed too. We also have less stress throughout the week. No more early am seminary, midweek and weekend youth activities, etc… Oh the gift of time, it has been so precious!
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15. 5. I feel LESS fear for my children and LESS fear in general in my life. I notice that I tend to see more goodness in the world and feel less us vs. them. As I see humanity without a lens of judgment (which by the way I didn’t think I had until my shelf crashed) I am able to see that we are surrounded by goodness, it is truly everywhere!
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17. 6. THE PEOPLE. The post mormon community is simply INCREDIBLE and we have made friends that feel like instant family. We have felt embraced by love and acceptance. We lost a tribe, yes, and we gained a tribe who unconditionally accepts us - it’s just awesome!
18. 
    
19. 7. I feel a sense of power in my life as I have been willing to live my truth, publicly and openly, and accept that many will judge and many will fall away. Facing this reality and walking through it has been such a growth opportunity, both painful and absolutely beautiful. I feel freed to live more truthfully in all areas of my life.
20. 
    
21. 8. We’ve replaced old traditions with new traditions and rituals that make my heart sing! Instead of going through the motions of FHE/scripture study, etc… because “they said so,” we now get to choose how to grow, how to learn, how to operate in ways that our inner compass is leading us into. It is so SO wonderful and comes without outside pressures or “righteous obligatory” feelings.
22. 
    

And there is more, so much more! I LITERALLY cried for 6 months straight folks. Those were THE hardest and saddest and scariest months of my life, and YOU may be there now. Please please know this - THERE IS SO MUCH HOPE FOR YOU! You truly are moving through a phase of grieving a death of epic proportions to allow for new life and new growth and new light and happiness into your life. Take your time. Love yourself through it and

just know that the light WILL come!

The gift of Differentiation

One of the most beautiful attributes we have learned through our awakening is how healthy differentiation works in relationships and in family systems. This is a foundational principal that can be found in all healthy relationships, however, is often lacking in strict/high demand religious environments and families where conformity is critical.

Often as I am coaching with parents leaving Mormonism, we talk about how they can honor their children by demonstrating and teaching differentiation. Because we were programmed to think and believe the exact same thing, without question, most find themselves needing to play catch up in how to feel safe when those closest to us may feel differently about certain topics.

This is a very brief post on the topic I contributed to @parenting.aftermormonism:

Remember that as you move forward on this journey, everyone is entitled to their own feelings and experience of it. Each person in your family will process and grieve and experience this transition differently. Honor your children during times when they may feel differently than you. Teach them what compassionate understanding looks like as you offer true love and understanding to them during their times of struggle. Understanding without time limits, expectations or value judgements. Teach them how you value differentiation, meaning that everyone in the family is allowed to feel differently about things and they will still fully belong and be loved fully in the family. You are giving your children a beautiful gift by helping them realize that your family does not have to all fit into the same "belief box." For the rest of their lives they will interact with friends, teachers, spouses, neighbors, colleagues, etc...who think, believe and act differently. To teach children to hold space for, and not feel threatened by, people who do things and think things entirely different than they do, is to offer them one of THE MOST VALUABLE relationship skills.

A Graduate Course

This is a contribution to @parenting.aftermormonism on Instagram. I recently took this account over, and that means I contribute more and am looking for others to participate by offering content as well.

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I've come to feel a deep reverence as I look back and consider our faith awakening/crisis because I see it as one of THE GRANDEST teaching “tools” for our children of all time. As crazy as it may sound, I do feel thankful for the massively painful layers of transition my children have had to face.

They’ve faced loosing friends, being judged by family and feeling cast off by their once safe religious tribe. All of these experiences, in one way or another, will happen to everyone, in different ways, and at different times. Everyone’s child will have to move through painful and unfair experiences in their lives.

Learning the truth about the church and leaving it has offered a “graduate course” experience for our impressionable children. They have grown in such breathtaking ways

that they NEVER could have otherwise.

In the beginning I was SO angry about how immoral it was that had to grieve, feeling betrayed by an organization that taught and claimed honesty. They cried so many tears of sadness, it still pricks my heart just thinking about it. However, now I can feel thankful for the refining fire that propelled our girls into a higher dimension of awareness and compassion, offering them navigation tools that will help them more confidently and successfully navigate the bumpy terrain of their lives.

Happy Birthday Avery

Happy birthday to our bright eyed Avery Grace. This year it took courage to stand amongst such a large crowd of more seasoned actors when you tried out for the professional production of Peter Pan. You prepared fervently and you showed up fully, 

hoping to get one of the few kid parts.  You believed you could, but you didn’t get a part. In life this will sometimes happen - you will try your best but you won’t get the part or the grade or the job or whatever it is that you are hoping for. 

What happened next was where I saw your wise strength emerge! You were determined to attend the play and show support. We walked into that theater and you held your head high, you smiled, you clapped, you chose joy for those who DID make it, and you were truly happy that night.

What that told me about you then, and through so many other similar experiences, is that you are confident enough to learn something meaningful in any experience. THAT, to me, is the essence of the words on this t-shirt!

I feel so thankful to have confidence that you will embody what it means to truly believe in yourself. That you will face both triumphs and tribulations in a skillful, healthy and confident way. 

I am so proud of you my happy 13-year-old birthday girl!