Remember these times we had?

They were the best moments of my life. Pictures are all I have left of you, cause I know there's no coming back anymore.

Remember how proud you were to have me?

Remember this one birthday wish that came true?

Remember how we would put our photos as our profile pictures?

Remember the years worth of memories?

Remember that ring?

Remember our story?

You may not know but I really do treasure every moment being with you. Because it felt real, I felt true love. I guess it was only one-sided.

I promised myself not to shed another tear for you, or for us. But when you just knew there were something real in those times, you just miss it so badly you would want to start all over again. But I know I'm talking the impossibles. Me missing you when you and I are no longer even friends. It was like we never even met. But what happen to those times, weren't they real to you. I wish I knew the truth.

11 Sept 2011

I just have no idea why I still think about you every single day. It still hurts me very much. Yes I am putting up a strong front, but every once in awhile I will feel like breaking down like tonight. What is the use of always pretending that I'm over you when fact is, I still miss and love you as much as before while you are busy loving another woman. Was I not good enough? It's been 5 months, Justin. 5 months since you left me and got with her. You threw many years of friendship, trust and love away. Why did you have to do this to me. I really loved you so much more than anyone.

This song, 'Don't forget' by Demi Lovato, really express what I want to tell you right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYDDiqhhzbQ

Did you forget, That I was even alive
Did you forget, Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget, About me?

Did you regret, Ever standing by my side
Did you forget, What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget about us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall, Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
I won't forget us

But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us

31 July 2011

Hi all again. It's the year 2011 and Déjà vu happened. As seen in JULY 2010 posts, Justin broke up with me and got together with a girl only a few days after the break up. This year, he did exactly the same thing just last month. Like what the fuck right. We patched back and he said his sorries but it's no use saying sorry if you're just gonna repeat it again and again. Dude! Seriously, I spent so much time and love on you, and this is how you treat me! One moment you are like fucking nice to me, the next moment, you are the worst boyfriend ever. What kind of boyfriend tells you that he feels it was IMPOSSIBLE for us be together in a relationship after 5 fucking years. If it was that impossible, we wouldn't have patched back so many times. Talk about feelings.. You told me you promised never to leave me again and never to hurt me like how you did before, guess all that were just words to you right. What a fool for me to keep forgiving you over and over.

This time, you did the worse damage to this relationship or even friendship of ours, you deleted me away from Facebook, in other words trying to tell me you no longer want me in your life anymore right? So be it. I find I should not waste anymore of my fucking miserable life with you any longer than it already is. 5 years man. That is not a short time.

I still remembered you telling me the reason why I should patch back with you. You told me that comparing all the other guys out there, you knew me the best, all my flaws, all my embarrassing moments, everything, and you still loved me. But if so, why did you still leave me after everything.

You talk about us always fighting and we are totally different from one another. Have you thought about the positive side of us? How you use to tell me that you felt so comfortable being around me than with other girls. Honestly, we seldom fight these days, but I know you're just trying to make this an excuse for the break up. You were just trying to shoot me at all the negative things just so you can push the blame on me. Last year, you did the same thing.

Although no matter how sick and tired I am of all the breaking and patching, it was because I really loved you whole-heartedly that made me always give in to you. I always wanted the best for you and us. I always wanted to do things, since you wouldn't take the initiative to do so sometimes, I did. I always told you how I loved spending time with you and doing things with you like kite flying and cooking all the different dishes we listed in my handphone. There were still so many things we could have done together if you did not leave me. I feel it was a waste, truly a waste that you left me.

And I also know I am one of those jealous type of girlfriend, but no matter what, I tried my best to hold things in just so GIRLS wouldn't be a problem in this relationship. I trusted you. It was because of you that I changed from an ah lian to who I am today. I appreciate that. But I do not appreciate you leaving me and telling me the most hurtful words and after a few days, without caring about my feelings, you are in a relationship with another girl. And still had the cheek to delete me. It hurt me a lot, since you wanted to delete me from your life, I wish you never come back ever. Not today, not tomorrow, not in the years to come. Even when I'm on my deathbed, I never want to see you because you were the only person I loved most and now, you've become the most hurtful person in my life.

Everywhere I go, I think of you. And whenever I think of you, my hands stupidly automatically goes to your Facebook page and there I see you and that girl. You just don't know how fucking sad I am. Yes there are many other guys out there. But all these times when I was with you, I always told myself you were the best and I did not need to look at other guys. But now you're gone, my heart just fails to love another. Not just yet. I just hate how you always had to leave me and give me stupid reasons for the break up. I hate how you always try to treat me so nice but now it seems all those were fake. I hate how you made me love you so much that when I close my eyes, the first person I'll think is you.

Why must you treat me like this. I have not brought you any harm, for I only loved you from the beginning.

29 August

I am extremely exhausted, head spinning like a top, expecting that when I reach home, I can have some rest, some peace and quiet. BUT NO! The moment I sat down using my computer, my brother had to just come in and shout at me. WTEFFFF! Seriously, its not like I went out or something, I WENT TO WORK. Just because I missed mass and missed choir comm meeting and he CLAIMS he got scolded by some of the choir mates, now he blames it all on me, EFFFFF! He asked why I did not tell anybody, I told him I forgot there was choir comm meeting, I really forgot cause I was focused on work these few days, he cant even accept that answer than what the fuck am I suppose to say! Still effing say things about he cannot tolerate my attitude and stuff! WTF!?!?!?!! We haven’t been talking for the past few months and WHAT THE EFFF DID I DO TO HIM. WHAT ATTITUDE! I’m just really fucking tired! CAN’T I JUST NOT GET ANY PROBLEMS AT ALL..

Seriously, you call this home? HOME is where I can rest, FAMILY is people I can count on and depend on and even understands me but I do not even get any. Right now, I feel I don’t have the right person to talk to, that’s why it leads to blog.

10 August

9 August:

Happy birthday Singapore! I went for the NDP with Chelsea today and it was dam fun! I love the goodie bag, Chelsea had the patches one while I had the esplanade inspired look bag. According to the host of the NDP, these are designer bags. Anyways, in the bag they had a dam cute FUN BOX which was dam cute! But that wasn’t the only thing that was cute in the NDP, the army dudes were cute too, well some of them. And the cool military weapons and the cool vehicle, hotness! Chelsea and I took many photos, majority were the view of the esplanade and the IR with all the fireworks, that was THABOMB! Awesome NDP, I still cannot get over the hotness of the army dudes and their gadgets. HOTNESS! Reached home around 10 plus and I am dead tired. Gonna fall asleep soon.

10 August:

Today Febrianna and I are going for a job interview today! It is at Bugis, till this hour the guy did not want to tell me where the venue is excepts it is near the MRT. He said to reach there and he’ll direct us there. Anyways, class starting.

<<8.43am-1.35pm>>

Guess what, I just found out again today that the whole “in the relationship” is real. Goddamit. If it was real in the first place why even tell me it was just to irritate your brother. Excuses! You think its a joke? It may be funny to you and your friend but its never to me. Well your sense of humour really sucks big time. You hurt me over and over again. Although I have no more tears to cry out now, but deep down inside I really much hate you. You explained to me that the whole “relationship” thing was just a joke, even if it was so hard to understand, I tried my very best to believe you. And when I did, the next time I know is that you told me all those were real. Fuck man. I am not a toy you can simply play with. I have feelings which you don’t even seem to care. When we were still together, I apologised like hell even when the bigger fault is not mine. Everytime I forgave you blindlessly, I end up forgiving you. FUCK! And now you are with another girl RIGHT AFTER we broke! Haven’t you have any feelings for me at all! You said you do, but the way you talk to me, the way you show me, you think I still believe you? You somemore told me to “man up”? Man up your head! It is not that easy, 2 BLOODY years of feelings, 2 BLOODY years of loving you, 2 BLOODY years of always forgiving your flaws, 2 BLOODY years that I dug that bloody hole. You said that its because YOU feel that we are not compatible but you know what, a relationship consist of TWO, not ONE. So you can’t just fucking say goodbye and still say I have feelings for you when you are with ANOTHER GIRL! FUCK! And just so you fucking know that although I mentioned that “I have totally forgotten him and woken up from that dream”, would it ever come across that MAYBE, JUST BLOODY MAYBE that I just typed it because I felt that way ONLY FOR THAT DAY? You have no bloody idea what I been through every fucking day, so do not ever, EVER say “it just shows how u treasure the relationship too” because fact is that I sure hell lot treasured it more than you. FUCK!

1 August

Today is one of the best days ever so far in 2010. Despite the fact that Justin’s true colours are finally revealed, or rather I finally came to realised and woken up from that dream. Thanks to him, I am able to clearly clear all emotions away. I have wiped my final tears away and with the help of my friends, I feel stronger than ever and back to normal.

Anyways, today is one of the fun days ever! After mass, it was quite boring, did my sudoku throughout choir practice and even at home. Around 4pm? Chelsea and I started talking, miss that girl. We continued into our web-caming and ended up planning to meet at Hougang. By the way, she has braces now! Awesome awesome, same as me. Now I’m certainly not the only brace face around! Anyways, at Hougang mall, we went to eat something light at Long Johns. Tried the ‘Crazy’ which was awesome! The taste of crispy nachos and fries soaking in the melted cheese. Together with a drink, cost me $3.50 which I felt it was reasonable if they gave crispy crumps! haha. We then continued doing our work which did not last long cause I started the temptation of web-cam whoring since she didn’t wanted to continue with her drawings. And we went wild taking those photos, go see facebook. (:

Haven’t had that feeling of craziness for a long time. Suddenly, even sitting in Long Johns is exciting. With her around, anything is possible.

Around 7.45pm I met my parents in Hougang mall’s kopitiam for dinner. After which we head home and although Justin was nice enough to message me when he was bored. Well, it just didn't end well. But after hearing what he said, again I repeat, Thanks to him, I finally woken up from that dream. I feel its not worth it being sad over that relationship which nobody treasures anymore. Its meaningless now. But I love my friends, they helped me grow stronger as a person. Thanks ya’ll!(:

31 July

On the 30th July, it was definitely not a good day for me. Just for your info, I was going for my cousin’s party in the evening so I decided to wear something different and something I haven’t been wearing for quite some time so I ended up with Yellow tube with shorts and cardigan over. Throughout the day, I was happily listening to music and doing my work. And at the end of the day, after doing RJ and all, I checked facebook and SOMEBODY posted a post on facebook which was definitely about me but just merely bitched about me indirectly. She posted: “Omg, I can see the shape of her bra! Can't she wear a better bra? Ewww, disturbing image.” Seriously, if she had the guts to post it on facebook, why no guts to tell it to my face? If she was merely being a NICE FRIEND that she finds what I was wearing disturbing, then she could just have nicely tell me. She thinks that bitching about others is cool, especially when its been publicized? Well girl, it is totally not cool. You don’t see me bitching about others, not even about her. If she hates me because of last time I fought with her because of presentation? Well, my theory is work is work, fun is fun. I admit I am serious when I work but I have slackened a lot already. I am even still care for her as a friend and she still like that to me? That is totally way off limit dude, she should learn something about EVERYBODY HAS ITS LIMITS TO EVERYTHING. Anyways, after class I was sort of sad about it and thanks to adilah, kana and shaffie, they are really good friends. If any of you babes and guy are reading, THANKS SO MUCH, I LOVE YOU GUYS! (:

After the whole thing, I walked to the interchange where we went our separate ways. I went to Causeway point and bought 2 packets of garlic bread biscuit from John Little Sale for just $1 each. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS! I bet Eilise would be jealous if she reads this. haha. I also bought 2 Tamagotchi from Kiddy Palace for my 2 little adorable cousins. Then I headed to Clementi which I waited for about 1h 30min for my dad to fetch me to the party. Luckily I also bought a sudoku book to accompany me.

 

On the 31st July, I just woke up, feel like vomiting. Anyways till now nobody msging me, feel dam sian. Whoever bored can SMS me kay?