Sometimes I wonder what my blog will tell me if it can speak, what it would feel if it could feel.

After months of neglect I find the urge to write a little again. This space has been left untouched for so long for many reasons. Firstly, I find myself drained from work on a daily basis and have no want to write. Also, I noticed a trend - I tend to write most often when I am unhappy or something is bothering me. Nothing wrong with that I guess, since this is an outlet I can use to rant, but at the same time, just too much negative vibes.

Almost three months have past and it has been wonderful. I have met some really wonderful people,some of which have become friends. I think I may have found a little something I can consider as a potential livelihood, but I have to wait till I get the bigger picture.

Passion, I wonder if I have enough, or if I am lacking any.

I am making amends in some aspects of my life, and am focusing alot on family time and relations. The older I get, the more I seem to want to hold onto everything. But I have also learnt to let go of some, especially the things that I know are not worth holding on for in the long run. With regards to many things and issues, it is all a two-way street - things will never be smooth going if one party does not play its part.

I pick my battles, I make my sacrifices. I am determined to be a better person, not only to the people who love me, but also to myself. I need to give myself more - more time, more space, more happiness.

Four more months till I see the boy. Can't tell you how excited I am just thinking about it. He has been great, very supportive, very understanding. I feel very blessed.

At times I feel the urge to get my 'me time' and stay away from friends. But when I crave companionship, I can't seem to bring myself to call anyone either. This side of me, the side that enjoys and appreciate some quiet time, I wonder if it has always been a part of me that just remained hidden, or that I have toned down tremendously as the years go by.

Perhaps I was a little too keen on entering transit and now I have a good 90 minutes or so to wander around. I'm too lazy to take the sky train to T2 and T3, partially because I'm afraid I will lose track of time and running to the other end of T1 isn't something I would be interested in doing.

So here I am, pounding on the keyboard outside Spinelli, taking in the occasional aromatic scents that float by, getting my daily caffine dosage.

A month away isn't very long I guess, but it nevertheless made my mum a tad bit emotional last night. Guess mothers will always be mothers, and we will always be their little kids no matter how old we are.

Well off I go to sit somewhere and rot. Am looking forward to inflight entertainment!

Love you!

My dentist is a nice person, but I hate going for my check-ups.

My mobile and ICC bills are too much, now I owe my mum waaaay too much money.

Have not started packing! *panic*

Would love to have a really good night sleep with no form of disturbances.

Why hasn't anyone invented ice cream that helps you lose weight?!?!

In need of a really good cry.

Afraid of how things will turn out.

Wishes I had a million dollars to go lose myself in an adventure of unknown and excitement.

Is it time to mellow down and grow up?

Wonder what has happened to some friends.

Wants to stay longer than my month stay in Brisbane.

Supposed current life is carefree but heart and mind are heavy.

Sleepy. Sleepy. Think I need sleep.

I see a path leading to a rainbow. I'm slowly treading on the path but wonder, will I get to see and enjoy the sight of the rainbow up close?

The joys of the waiting game.




On another note - 3 weeks to Brisbane! yay!!!

Time. It changes everything doesn't it?

Perhaps my time Down Under changed me. Maybe it made me reflect on my life and the things and people that surround me.

I came home seeing some things from a different perspective. It's to be expected I guess, that with time I grow up and may tweak my opinion on certain issues.

It's just that I never really expected so much to change while I was gone. The level of self doubt, or feeling inferior and insecure increases. The realisation that I've never really had as many close friends as I thought I did heightens. My trust and reliance on friends who I've opened up to have been broken with some tiffs - big or small.

Everyone has skeletons to hide. And not everyone knows about them. It's a thing of our past, a thing that we can never change, and maybe things that have made us who we are today. To friends who question why you never knew my issues when we have known one another for so long, how long or how close our friendship is doesn't result in you knowing my whole life. It boils down to whether I am comfortable opening up to you. Reasons that will justify that? I don't know. Gut feeling I guess.

And then there are friends who obviously do not think with their heads. To tell me straight in my face that polytechnic students are cheap labour since he, a local uni student gets paid so much more than us at an internship. He also adds on by saying that I shouldn't put myself in a position (applying for service industry jobs) where the starting pay in so low. All this told to me numerous times in an outing despite me mentioning that is where my interest lies. And the final blow, to be happy to say this straight to my face that he should hang out more often with me as it makes his life so much better. The atrocity of such language and behaviour is beyond me, since he likes to announce how he is soon graduating with a degree and second upper class honours.

If you know me well, I am someone who goes beyond my needs to be there for my friends. Never really expecting anything or much in return. I try to not hurt my friends with statements that are blunt, or ones that will hit a sore spot. The last few years I have gotten enough smarting statements that I have learnt to turn a blind eye to. From a time when friends promised to help me solve an issue with a close friend of mine while I boarded my flight to Queensland, to realising no one from the group delivered their promise but got upset when I decided to hole myself up for a small time frame to deal with it, saying that I am being unfair to them since they have been on my side all the while. Statements made by a close friend which I don't know just came out wrongly or it was just insensitive. Saying that it was to be expected that I would have no one to explore the sights and sounds around Brisbane because I have a boyfriend, and that it was indeed silly of me to not travel around Australia when I was there. I think the worst is when a friend tells me that the boy needs to grow up more, so that he can answer to me about our lives and where it will head in a precise timeline. She who has met him only once, hardly knows him and says that. For all the times I have been by her side, through everything she has been through, I have never once said anything to upset her or talk about her partners in another light. But for her to say this, I felt offended. It almost felt like she disapproved of my choice in my partner, not that she does have a say in it.

I know I have many friends, many of which have now taken different paths in lives and we hardly meet. But we are still civil, polite and sometimes I am surprised as to how close we can be after 8 year hiatus. Take Snuffy for example, we met in rather interesting circumstances years ago, in 1998, 1999? And since 2006/2007 it has been a wonderful friendship that has bloomed because he is my Snuffy.

There are still friends I can rely on, to listen to me, to trust me and to sometimes give me the opportunity to shine. We take turns giving one another the right of way - from small things like dining decisions to knowing he/she understands me for everything that I am, it makes me feel like there is no pressure meeting up with them. No small talks where I am not involved, to feeling like I am not just being dragged along for the ride.

So therefore, I am starting with Operation Clean Up of my life. I have already deleted over a hundred contacts on my mobile phonebook and the next thing is to well, to re-evaluate my friends and the roles they play in my life.

This rant has been cooped up in my head for a long time. Many of these things I encountered a few months ago, and I have tried to hold back. I don't like conflicts with people who are meant to be friends so I never use the direct approach, but we'll see how long I can keep up with blogging as my source of venting.

After days of making my latest purchase, I finally got down to taking out my newest gadget from its box. I slowly tore off the flimsy sheets of plastic it was wrapped in and admired the newest of it. What am I talking about? Well well, it's my latest phone!

Image taken from http://jacob-communications.com/sonyericsson.aspx

It's not the latest phone model one can purchase, neither is in the front runner in style nor size. But something about the c905 attracted me to it, like a moth to a flame. For months I have been eyeing the very phone model, waiting for the price to fall. And the day I could finally get it, I was torn between two colours which neither were my choices. Too bad that Singtel only had the black and silver ones left in their shops, but I guess I shouldn't complain since I now am a proud owner of a c905!

I've heard from some friends that their friends have issues with the phone, that the phone system will hang after a while. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that nothing happens to this baby of mine.

The functions are plentiful and I have yet to explore all of them, not that I will use most of them on a day to day basis. I adore the flat keypad that still has yet to pose as a problem for me and my fat fingers, and you have got to admire the fact that it has a built-on 8.1 megapixels camera. With functions such as face detection, this camera is now miles ahead of my current Sony point and shoot.

Well, off I go to talk to the boy. Now I just have to think of a name for my new phone...

Two months since I last penned anything, let alone my thoughts here on this blog.

In that time frame, I went away to Brisbane on an impulse (with the really cheap airfare playing a very important factor), spent two weeks with the boy and came back feeling happier.

I also had the opportunity to meet up with a friend that has been always too busy to get together with. A decade long friendship still needs work, but I love how he manages to see me for me, and to know me, understand me and try and help me without belittling me.

I've been trying to make more time to meet friends, especially time is something that I have so much in abundance in recent months.

The issue of finding a job is still present, but the excitement and aggression in the search becomes less pressing with each passing day. I have not taken the time to hole myself up for a few days to firmly decide what I want to do, but I know that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I may not get a full-time job at all for the rest of the year. And honestly, I have to say that I am happy and being very appreciative for that. Without having to apply for leave, I get to travel, rest, relax and meet up with friends without any worry about getting to work refreshed and energised the next day. I get to meet up and treasure the time with family and loved ones, particularly someone dear whose time may be running out. True, I am restricted in my everyday life and spending by the lack of a constant income, but I will never want to trade all this leisure time and last minute outings for that.

Anyway, I met up with a group of friends that I have not have the chance to catch up with in the last 4 years. Another impromptu invite, the group only realised in the hours before the dinner appointment that I was indeed back on this tiny red dot for good. The meet up though short, was fantastic. But I will blog more about it when I get the pictures.

And while I will be ending here, I am extremely happy for another reason! Want to know why? Wait for my next entry! =)

I came online, logged in and wrote a rather lengthy entry about the last few months. Then I thought about it and deleted it without any hesitation.

Perhaps the fear of realising what I write may very well be true is scaring the hell out of me.