i feel so lost all of a sudden.

job. fyp. grad trip. suddenly everything is calling for my attention.

i realise my stress tolerance is seriously not as high as i wished it will be.

and i m such a coward. why do i always care so much about how other people will feel?

and why am i so wishy washy? why can't i make a balanced decision quickly?

if only you know. but do i really want you to know?

je ne sais pas.

just whining. as usual.

i believe in miracles becoz i would be much happier if i do @ 1:13 pm

i really love myself alot. especially in trying times like this now. when i am left in the lurch to do everything and anything by myself. and i actually managed to make some progress.

but i had only made 1% progress. and there is still more to endure with in the next four weeks.

so please bear with me. and lend mi a listening ear when i need one. i don't want to cry anymore. and i will not.

because i have received so much kindness and help from so many people. from the school admins to my finance tutor to my current fyp prof.

i will survive and make it to the end. i will make it a good fyp paper. a paper with substantial content. one that does not seem to be rushed out in 4 weeks time.

i believe in miracles becoz i would be much happier if i do @ 10:43 am

It has been a year.
the place i will always remember as home.
the place that will always be in my heart.
i miss langgasse 49
st gallen. switzerland.
europe.

i believe in miracles becoz i would be much happier if i do @ 2:07 pm

I haven cry like this since...

the day i realised that i was not able to go to Italy (Bocconni University) via INSTEP becoz i failed to get the scholarship that will subsidise my expenses there

the day when i realised that my finger is fractured and that i would not be able to play for SYF after struggling to learn bassoon by myself for a year in j2

and maybe on the day i received my a levels and realised that i wouldn't be able to get into medicine

that is if you exclude all the times i cried becoz of watching sad movies and shows.

and today. i actually cried nearly 1 hour. amazing feat truly.

maybe becoz i felt real sorry for myself. becoz despite all my efforts in chasing other people. my fyp still ended up in its current state. dead.

maybe becoz i m angry with myself. becoz despite all i had done. it's juz not enough.

maybe becoz i m juz tired. tired of being the one doing almost all the things.

i guess when you laugh long enough. you may forget how to cry. or other people may forget that you do cry.

i know it will get better. and i know i will be me again tomorrow. but just tonight. let me be that somewan else. that sumwan else that had been hiding inside all this while.

i believe in miracles becoz i would be much happier if i do @ 11:48 am