there's this Chinese saying. "bitter before sweet". the opposite is "sweet before bitter". n they are used to describe life in general. whether you want to go through hardships/obstacles first or you want to enjoy life first.

all this while. i picked "bitter before sweet" and right now. i seriously believe i am getting my wish. hahahaz.

i went down to the heart specialist with my papa today and the final verdict is my father is getting himself admitted into the hospital on monday because of his persistent atrial fibrillation.

like a typical middle class middle age asian chinese man in singapore. he refused any 'fussy' treatment. so when the doctor tried to persuade him to take blood thinning medication he gave him the 'i don't know' look. and i guess all doctors are well acquainted with that look because he immediately asked my father if any family member accompanied him.

therefore. i was ushered into the consultation room. and the long process of explaining began.

1 week ago. my father was attached to this ECG recording equipment for 24 hours. it's battery operated and portable so he brought it back home. apparently from the records. the doctor found out that his lowest heart rate was 50 beats per minute. and his highest heart rate was 200 beats per minute. the average person is around 100 beats.

with such erratic heartbeat. it heightens his possibility of having blood clots in his heart since the flow of blood is very jerky. and if those clots travel to his brain. tata. we will get a stroke on our hands. therefore in order to minimize problems. he will need blood thinning medication. n here comes the question. aspirin or warfarin?

and to solve the problem once and for all. my papa need to regulate his heartbeat. there are 3 options. no 1. take medication (which is apparently not very effective). no 2. have a shock. hahaz. i mean send electrical shock to his heart to 'reset' his heartbeat since this is one form of external stimuli to his heart muscles. no 3. undergo operation to 'burn' a few of his heart nerves. which control the muscles.

and i chose option 2 for him. basically i am like the person making all the decisions for him lahz. sighz. this is the reason why i insisted on taking leave from work to accompany him because i know very well that he will say no to everything and at the end of the day. come back home to tell us he is fine.

and then we were told that there is this ongoing clinical trial for this new medication that supposedly help to regulate the heartbeat. since my papa has nothing against it. i agreed on his behalf as the trial has undergo several successful rounds in US, UK etc even though it just started in singapore.

however. because it's a clinical trial. we don't know whether my papa is getting the medication or not. since there are 4 groups in a trial. G1 with an empty capsule. G2 with small dosage. G3 with medium dosage. and G4 with high dosage. so if he got the empty capsule or the new medication doesn't work on him. he will still undergo the shock treatment.

n because he is required to undergo the shock treatment. he is definitely taking warfarin. and they had to draw alot of blood from him. apparently my papa has alot of blood because the nurse/lab personnel was asking the trial coordinator how much she needs after drawing 5 tubes?

my papa undergo the TEE procedure. where a doctor will insert a scope into his oesophagus and probe his heart to check for any clots present. n it was so painful that my papa cried. sighz. feel quite sad for him lahz. so poor thing. he never cry from pain one lehz. as far as i know and this procedure made him cry. and the scope is smaller than the one used in OGD. i was right to refuse endoscopy then.

so on monday. i am going to accompany him for admission before going to work. the benefits of participating in the trial is. we get free hospital stay plus free medication. and he's staying in class A because they need to monitor his vital signs carefully just in case the trial goes haywire.

hope everything turns out fine. if only he can stop smoking. sighz.

but this brings into perspective how easy i can lose my parents to illness/death. my mama has more complications than my papa. since she has almost all the chronic stuff lahz. DM. hypertension. hyperlipidaemia. and my papa's smoking habit is not helping him lahz.

but i must say he does love me alot. because we were in sgh. i told him i wanna see if i can find out more about the postgraduate medical programme. then he immediately agreed to go with me and told mi that he will support me all the way. hahahaz. and i poured a bucket of water over his head by asking how is he going to do that. he don't have the money lehz. heez.

because if i stopped working and go to study. who will support him? my mama is supported by my brother. and who will support me? it's no longer a simple question of wanting and doing. it's a question about ability. constraints and responsibilities.

life is never fair. i am very certain. i will get through the bitter part because i want to enjoy the sweet part.

i believe in miracles becoz i would be much happier if i do @ 11:59 am

i thought i was going to die on Thursday. 12 july. just like that.

no i m not jesting. i really really thought i was going to stop breathing just like that because every breath i took hurt so much. i believed that my body/lungs were going to stop taking in oxygen because of the pain associated with it. and that was a frightening thought.

but i guess it's not that easy to die after all. but yahz. it gave me the fright of my life and most probably scared my clique to the max because i just walked off suddenly halfway in the meal to vomit in the washroom.

oh well i survived and i am still alive and kicking. but yahz. if i died. i will become one angry ghost/spirit. simply because i still have not done anything in my life yet! i have not work to provide for my parents. or see the world or pursue my dream. it's ridiculous to die just like that. and i believe i have not maximize my full potential at entertaining people with my happening yet hilarious life. so yahz.

and though i doubt my life is happening in the previous entry. it has proven once and again that my life is indeed happening. hahahaz. the least expected thing always happen and i guess this is what life is lahz. full of shocks and surprises.

went to see the doctor the next dae after my 'near death' (or so i believed). went to the polyclinic after like 2 years. hahahaz. just for your information. i make my way to the polyclinic and spent the better half of the day queuing to see the doctor only when i have some serious condition. haz. because it's easier for me to get reference to specialist clinics/hospitals.

so what happens is. no 1. i have some muscular problem. no 2. i have GERD. gastric reflux tinggy. and the doc wanted me to go for endoscopy and chest x ray. i don't have much problem with the x ray since i took so many x raes before. but i have serious misgivings undergoing an endoscopy. because i have seen how it's done and the discomfort associated with it.

but i definitely doubt the theory of GERD lahz. because i don't have any heartburn. and the pain didn't occur during my sleep or what. and it lasted for more than 10 hours. yahz.

it was quite irritating that it spoils my day with my clique. the first time after so long that 11 of us are at one place to enjoy a meal together. sighz. but it does make me feel very happy that though we graduated 4 years ago. we are still so close! i luv you all lotsa!!!

and i had changed job. because my dear supervisor at nuh sacked me on my 10th day at work. at 4 pm sharp. 1 hour before my let off time. truthfully speaking arhz. i was really shocked lahz. but since she's e supervisor then i guess i can't do anything about it. hahahaz. ah keow is more agitated than me. but oh well. i am so used to life. and everything negative associated with it. that i don't really care what happen to me liao lahz. when i first got this job i thought that finally. life is been nicer to me. but haz. i knew it will not last long. it's too good to be true. so yes.

but the funny thing. we met ryan for lunch that day and i was happily telling him that we can have lunch together for the coming few weeks. hahahaz. it must be him! hahahaz. bring bad luck to me! wahahaz.

therefore. i am now working at mount elizabeth administration. doing a project on the discharge process of mount elizabeth and east shore hospital. it's not bad. and my supervisor is very nice. so yahz. i am happy. except i have abit of wardrobe crisis since i need to wear quite formal. but overall. it's a good experience. so if anyone happen to be popping by orchard. you can date me for lunch! hahahaz.

met up with zhang xin and celebrated her birthdae. heez. we bought her a frisbee that almost resulted in me losing my way at clarke quay. oh well. but yahz. attendance is not that bad lahz. hahahaz. and it's good to meet up with our dear bus 2 slos. and it's 1 year anniversary liao. i miss you all so much!

and before i end off now. i shall write down what my sister told me one fine day. not so long ago.

she said:

i must continue to live well because i am a miracle. a medical miracle. i must continue been a miracle to provide hope for those who have the same illness as me. therefore i must live life to its fullest.

but one day. if i died. then you will have to take care of en xin (my niece). are you willing to do that?

and it just struck me how brave my sister must be. to live with the knowledge that one day. any day. she will suffer a relapse and die.

i didn't know at that time. all i remembered was that i was 11 years old. my sister spent 6 months of her life in MICU. she was very bloated with water and she had to rely on machines to breathe. my father spent every night sleeping outside the MICU on a fold-able chair/bed. my mother spent every morning and afternoon at the MICU caring for my sister. my brother spent every off day he had from NS at the hospital. as for me. i was deposited at my neighbour's house until my mom came back from hospital.

and one day. my brother came to the school to fetch me to the hospital. because the docs told my parents that my sister might not make it through that day. i don't understand a single thing that time. all i remembered was that my sister kept on writing on the little board she had. that she wanna go home. with wateva energy she had.

i couldn't recognize her at all. and the room was very quiet. except for the beeping of the machines.

now i understand. because at that point of time. all her major organs were affected. her heart. lungs. liver. kidneys. colon. even brain. she won the battle because she refused to die i think. partly because she was very young then. 19 years old.

she is an inspirational story to patients suffering frm the same illness. she shouldn't have children by right. but by left she was pregnant and so she went ahead. knowing clearly that she might not survive the pregnancy. she will not have another child after my niece because her body can't tolerate another pregnancy.

but yes. she is my life model now. because she embraced life and she lived it to its fullest despite all the dangers. and i do hope that one day. one day i will be able to find out the cause and the cure of the illness and let her have the chance to see her own grandchildren. because i believe this will be the greatest wish in her life.

i believe in miracles becoz i would be much happier if i do @ 8:39 pm