Try as you might

Out with Grumpy on a date. As hard as I try, I cannot deny that I am still in love with him

So this was random

Woke up from my midnight nap to play WOWS with Grumpy. Somehow we ended talking about relationships. I asked him which situation is better. Being in multiple short relationships or very little long relationships. His answer was that it does not matter to him as he felt suicidal when he was in his past relationship.

Then me being me, started asking why am I still with him. Our 'relationship' is longer than average for most of his relationships. He told me because I was crazy... Yeah... I mean not wrong but I was in an 8year relationship with Benjamin so that says a lot. 

The insane thing just came out of my mouth. I asked, "What is 1 pros about dating me?" He replied "You are very caring even though I don't deserve it." 

At that moment I was kinda stunned and happy. It was words of affirmation that he sorta appreciates me and recognised my effort and feelings. 

Few years back he mentioned that he was hard to date. I have seen a long time ago why is that so. The issue now is that I wonder if it's worth it for me to stay. It has been so long that I am actually happy with him. 

I am used to being all sad and mopey. All of me refused to believed it is real. The reality of this relationship has always been negative. I mean I can just run off and find another guy that loves and appreciates me more. The only truth I believed in is that he doesn't love me and he is better on his own. I got no idea why he started tell me that he is in contact with a friend that just opened a law firm. 

I don't care if I am in his will or anything. What I want is his love. Heck I know it is not gonna happen. Odds are I might just run away again. 

Until I can move on, chances are I won't leave him. Looking at the way how Benjamin and I ended, it might not be as bad but who knows. Maybe I'll escape the nightmare and live out my life as a crazy cat lady. It's only a 10year wait.

Now I just got to refresh my brain to start on my silly essay.

XOXO,

Michelle

Today was different

Today was really a good off where I can just sleep like a pig. Grumpy was sweet today as well. Sweeter than usual but not sure it's because I said I missed kissing and hugging him. All I knew is that I was saying it to his face that I needed his affection. 

I swear it had been the most amount of affection he has given me in years. Yet, I felt no emotions... not really but just not the same. There was no passion, no excitement, no happiness. Nothing at all. 

I am sure as hell I am very much in love with the Terence Teo I met. Just not this one. They look, sound and smell the same but the Grumpy I fell in love with doesn't exist. I miss him so much. 

I don't think I can ever put myself into a new relationship without wrecking it somehow. What was left of my heart went into loving him. It was not easy leaving Benjamin. 8years of my life was just gone. Poof. 

Now it is almost 4years with Grumpy. I am too tired and very unwilling to get into another relationship.

I'll just find affection in all sorts of funny places. Anything is better than this. Then again, certain creepy people should be kept away. 

I'll just enjoy whatever affection new TT gives me and fantasise it as being with my Grumpy. Denial at its best. 

Time to nap before school starts.

XOXO,

NSYM

Now I know why

All the things you made me do. Everything just became a bigger lie. I just so happen to be the toy you wanted back then. You should have told me Day One you won't wait. The thing is I never expext you to wait.

Thanks for being the greatest lie in my life. Thanks for hurting me time and time again. The moment you said I should be with someone that won't hurt me or make me cry, I believed in the greatest lie.

Don't worry. I won't want you ever again. The only thing I want that has anything to do with you, is to forget and everything that came with it. 

Written in Aug or earlier

Side note

I would love to see you in pain. I want to see you suffer. I want you to experience the pain I went through. Most of all, I want to escape this nightmare.

It all my fault

It was my fault that I had to move the fan out of the way.

It is my fault I refused to change my life for you.

It is my fault for loving.

It is my fault for letting myself believe in you.

It's my fault for wanting you.

It is my fault to believe there is a happily ever after with you.

It is my fault for letting you wreck me into pieces.

You need to bitch on your blog post

I thought it would be fun to bitch about someone on this blog like I used to. It's nostalgic okay.

I am a petty person but I don't get too mad or annoyed by it unless you have crossed the line.

SINCE BITCH AIN'T GONNA SEE THIS, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT (Even if she does, WHO CARES).

Everyone is entitled to their believes/ideals/preference but don't ever shove it down someone's throat. You got your preference and I got mine.

So bitch if I ain't talking to you I ain't talking to you. So what if you say I have social awareness issues. Not your problem and I do take offence to that. Come on, when someone say no offence. AN OFFENCE IS TAKEN. I choose to be socially oblivious but not as if you know that. Good to know that even I could fool your silly pretencious ass. By the way, I got no idea how you link social awareness to someone being gullible. Please do enlighten me. I really want to know.

If you happen to annoyed or offended by my loudness I am sorry you feel this way. I truely am. I understand I can be too loud and I have trouble controlling that. So what does those 2 have anything to do with you? Cecelia is the most hard working student in class and I feel bad because I do not need to work as hard as her to understand at the same level. I have been in her position before. I know the struggle and pain. It's not easy.
I don't even know how Marsha offended you. Neither do I know how Cecelia offends you. Do the whole class a favour and get off their backs.

My aim was to do well in school. I would love an A but so does everyone else. Thank you Santa. If you want to know why, you gave me a reason to fight even harder. To prove that I am better than you. I know I am but I want my grades to prove it. I never had an issue with you. I admire you. I admire how great you look and how well you spoke. Guess I thought wrong.

Do feel honoured in being in my blog okay :)
Then again no one reads this.

Here is me trying to shove your shit so far up your ass that it comes out from your mouth.

XOXO,
Michelle

It is what it is

Guess the current relationship we have is just making use of each other. I have no idea what uses you get out of me other than my Netflix account which seems kinda stupid comparing the fact that I use you for your house and your disgusting level of smartness.

This whole relationship is just weird. Doesn't matter anyway. We are just not meant to be. 'We' shouldn't have existed. You were never who I thought you were. The 'old' you that I fell in love with was the result of my denial and delusion.

I am comfortable living in this sick and twisted fantasy. Truth to be told, I need to find a new Wonderland. A Wonderland that is no longer demented. A Wonderland without the need to numb. No more denials no more delusion.

NO MORE LIVING WITH THE PAIN
NO MORE YOU

I thought you would be less painful than Benjamin. I have learn how to live without him and hopefully soon enough, I will not only learn how to live without you but also to forget you.

CNY visiting

CNY visiting over the weekends was great. Went to Kai's relative's place for visiting/celebration. Was sick the past few days so being out and all was really good. The house was so pretty and Kai's mum was so sweet and friendly. Gambled a bit but lost quite a bit on the last round since I was the dealer and everyone betted a lot bigger. Good thing I only lost to Pearlyn (not sure if I spelled her name right).

Sunday had change of plans so there was no mad rush. Won quite a bit in gambling (enough to cover Saturday's loses 😅). I cannot believe I have such an adorable and friendly baby niece that is very well behaved. Most of my cousins were kinda like little monsters except some were cuter which makes Janelle an angel.

I am enjoying my month long holiday but at the same time I am getting bored since I am really not used to working all the time. Gonna end this post here since there is nothing much to mention.

XOXO,
Michelle

Emotional Trainwreck

The pain is coming back again. I thought things were going to improve but time and time again I was proven wrong.

You said that you want this to work because I wanted it. Honestly now, I don't know if I want this anymore. Dealing with the pain is not only hard but it is taking it's toll on me.

I have always been afraid to lose you. You always know how to cheer me up when I am down. You are always willing to help me in any ways that you could. You even know me better than myself at times. I don't know what is going wrong because this is all so confusing.

Know that I love you no matter what but maybe I should move on. I know you will do fine without me but I cannot say the same for myself. For that reason, I cannot let you go. I cannot let the strength that is holding me together go.

Thanks for always being there for me even when I am a mess. Thanks for bring me to places that I have dreamt of going. Thanks for loving me once upon a time when I couldn't love myself.

Forever yours,
Slutty