1. Covid-19
2. About 5 months into therapy
3. Done with LJMB
4. Soon to be done with school
I guess I'll start with the first one. With the whole Covid-19 situation still being pretty bad, Singapore is having a 'small lockdown'. Tons of e-learning and suspension of work. Finally I get to so much more time to myself but there is the issue of money since I'm 'forced' to be jobless. Compared to the majority of Singaporeans, I am actually enjoying it. I can sleep in and not rush to anywhere. I'm not annoyed by jams or have to deal with unreasonable humans. It's kinda of a fun holiday.
2. Therapy has been going well. Still working on the deeper issues. I never knew I was horrible at labelling my own emotions. It's relatively easy for me to read most humans or at least sense if something is not normal (not the usual self if I know them). Trying to label emotions is just so hard. Being able to understand them is so much harder. On the brightside, there is a lot less crying. Not sure if it is a good thing but I'm getting less affected by Grumpy. For starters, I know my affections for him gets lesser as the days go by. I don't crave for his attention as much nor want it. Probably due to seeing too much of his face during this Covid-19 period.
Before Covid-19 I wanted his attention and affections so bad. Now it has made me realise that I'm done begging for his attention and affection. I even planned things I wanted to do on his birthday and it is definitely not going to be celebrating his birthday. I had my birthday party without him and it was so fun. Screw anniversary since he complete forgot about it. I don't even remember when was the last time we celebrated our anniversary.
I'm proud of myself for coming so far. If healing will be the cause of the downfall of my 'relationship' I'll gladly take it. I no long see him as my boyfriend. More like he is not fit to be my my boyfriend. Currently I see us more of roommates status but a little more than just roommates. I guess we shall see how the rest of 2020 unfolds.
3. Took me about 3months into 2020 for me to finally cut all means of contact and lingering emotions of Benjamin. I never felt so much more liberated (apart from the Grumpy issue). I finally found out the reason why he loves to blackmail me. He says it is his way of being 'sad' and 'mourning'. It made me realised I was feeling bad about nothing and what I missed and loved about my old relationship was a lie. A 12year lie. I got really mad initially but I realised that he doesn't deserve my time and energy. Guess that Pearl's situation finally set me free. I didn't care anymore if I was considered the toxic girlfriend/ex-girlfriend nor his statement of 'the one I want to marry'.
Guess he took joy at my misery. He refused to admit any of his mistake and if he had any, it was all pointed to me. In his eyes I was the villian that ruined him. I no longer care how he protrays me or say anything stupid (all is rubbish) about me. He wanted to show that he was the perfect boyfriend but at my expense. Now I only look back on the happy parts of the relationship in a 3rd person's pov. It kinds makes growing up fun where you laugh at dorky pictures and point out how things have changed (taste in clothes, dating locations, likes and dislikes).
4. It's almost the end of the 2nd last mod of this diploma. I really can't wait to graduate but I will miss my 2 nasties. Singapore ain't that big and we can always find ways to meet up.