Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.

haha been busy these few days...
spent the couple of days doing lil projects for friends (SINCE IM SOO FREE). hahas everyone thinks that, so they gimme stuff to do until im quite bz laaa.. hahah!

sam: newsletter! (hahha make you feel bad!)
elaine: agape tee shirt design
point.com: logo, worship schedule (arrrgh.. so tough working out the prog la.. cindy, some help here please!!)
sharlene: sister's wedding video thingy
rena: compiling music(ohh i like this one.. lets me listen to a whole new range of christian music.. hehe thanks rena)

but its okae la.. its kinda fun anyways.. oh.. my laptop's gonna be reformatted soon so.. some of these lil projects gotta be on hold... sorry folks..

gaaaaaaah. woooo ga ba ga ba goo... *stares into space*

12:05 PM; yep, thanks Papa God for the new day. Y

wowowow. had lotsa fun at the beach yesterday..
met up with pastor ben rena and XXXXX to discuss certain matters regarding our relationship before the outing..
am glad we're both ok.. refocusing and redirecting our lives toward God.. i must press on! i guess in a sense knowing she's alright now puts me at ease, and i think i can focus better on God! a deeper friendship is on the way, i know it. but to what extent(whether we patch up or not) i dunno.. but im certain God knows the best thats for us(crosses fingers and hopes) haha!

thanks Ben, Rena, for putting in time for us.. much appreciated.

now on to the highlight of the day.. the youth outing!
man, its been such a long time since i spent time with the youths out like tt due to my NS commitments.. but now im REALLY free. more time for friends and family, more time on God(i hope i wont neglect God again when i get really busy! hmmm.. nono i WONT.. tough..but its vital for my survival.. i CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM!)

learnt it the hard way laaa. hehes.

wah just wore my skates then the buckle at the ankles broke. both skates somemore.. old pair bah.
good thing the skates were still functional.. so just continue lo.. no accidents! Glory to God.. and made me work my muscles more too..more tiring without the support on the ankles la.. hahah..

played this clue hunting game like amazing race.. my team lost, but we were sooo close la. O_o
thanks Josh and Gab for planning.. sorry if i left out anyone else.. you know who you are! thank you!

played this really cool game called cranium with the youths.. some mind teasing game.. wow.. learnt stuff i never knew..got to use plastine to sculpt clues for the answer, etc etc..eh! go get the game and find out! lol.

ya..skated with Justin for quite a bit till i felt my bums getting firmer.. *chokes* haha.
oh.. and justin and i taught pastor ben how to rollerblade.. wow pretty fast for a beginner.. i remember my first time on skates was just standing, and mom had to push me a bit.. my lil bro was more pro la.. more garang.. haha.. eventually got the hang of it la.. had a good teacher(my mom) who never once rollerbladed in her life.. O_o

haha so we spent time teaching ben and he got quite used to his "cute" style of skating.. keke.. too bad no video foootage! i told him to pretend he's walking backwards, body leaning forward, and sliding instead of actually walking.. hehe.. not sure if that helped, but he was doing really well.. everytime he was going to fall, he'd stick both his index finger up as if to say"nono, no worries, i got it, i've got it" with a worried look on his face! hehe rena should have seen it.. kekeke.. sorry ben! but very good first try!

after we split, justin and i met up with sue en, andrew and daryl.. ate at marina square's "changing appetites" food's not bad la.. and price's ok too..

chit chat, chit chat, eat, laugh, eat, chit chat, laugh.. you know what i mean.. oh.. maybe going rollerblading with sue en and justin coming mon..

hoo hoo.. Thank God for a fun day out!

12:38 PM; yep, thanks Papa God for the new day. Y

spoke to dad this morn.. after i finally "woke" up..
woke up early due to a nightmare, and couldnt really sleep.. so i lay in bed until the sun came out.. eventually the weariness came and i was back to sleep.. woke again at 9, my heart beating very fast..

dreamt two times in a row that i had died??!! i wont state the dream in this blog cos its too personal. respect that please >_<. anyway, this blog's for me to reflect and sort myself out kaaaae?

omgoodness its a lil eerie..
spoke to dad abt it, and he says there's a part of me that hasn't let go.. he may be right i guess.. man.. I do miss her a lot.

IM WORKING ON IT LA D***IT! arrrgh.

so prob am i allowing Mr D.Evil to play around with that "poor-lil-sam-who's-oh-so-weak", allowing him to toy with me emotes, twirling me in his lil black pinky?

dang. i cant let that pass. Insecurities perhaps?

However two verses speak out:

Romans 8:31-32 …if God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since God did not spare even His own Son for us all, wont God, who gave up Christ, also give us everything else?

I will depend on Him to provide, my ministry, calling, my future, spouse, career, etc. this is a time of testing, and I will prevail.

Phil 4:13 for I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.

The verse above is proof of victory. Lord, I’ll trust you.

11:12 AM; yep, thanks Papa God for the new day. Y

i woke with a jolt. heartaches.

dream's still vivid.
wont say much.
keyword: beach

5:01 AM; yep, thanks Papa God for the new day. Y

kk! thanks for the email.. hahas.. tot i'd share it in here...

ya.. went back to work today.. felt pretty "sian" (bored/tired/sick of..) kinda feeling..
sorta tot going back to camp would mean learning nothing from God.. but HEY! i was wrong!
dun limit God kae...

anyways, down to the story(email)

a girl/boy(dun matter which. up to you if you're sexist.) was having some tough times and went to see her/his mom for advice. (i'll use "him" la.. cos im lazy to type "him/her" >_<)

his mom took him to the kitchen and told him to get a carrot, an egg from the fridge, and some coffee beans from the jar. she boiled a pot of water, and told him to throw everything inisde.

after 10 odd mins, she told him to take it all out, and she asked him to observe.
the carrot had turned soft, the egg hardboiled, and the coffee bean turned the water into coffee..
all the items went thru the same test: boiling water.

so mom said,"are you tough outside, but when you encounter hardship/testing, you turn soft/weak?"

or

"are you malleable/eager to learn, but harden your heart when hardship comes"

or

"are you able to adjust to your hardship, and overwhelm your troubles and turn your troubles into something good?"

i guess i was like the egg, where hardened and eventually sought the wrong things for comfort.. ie. playing games... (all you out there who do that too.. you better watch it.)

i guess due to the split with my queen, it has taught me another facet of life. cherishing the things i hold dear.. ie, my family, friends, her, the things God has called me to do, career(to a certain extent), and esp God.

God's been so good now that i think back, providing understanding parents, girlfriend,old friends that stood by me(tho i dint make much time out with them.. dom, shaun, xingwen, thanks!) church friends, new friends(sam/sitiZ/roy) etc..

now i realised God was with me even tho i wasn't letting Him in.. so He was just waiting outside my doors, in the rain(bad times), or in the hot sun(testing), or even during nice breezy days(good times la), waiting for me to open up and welcome Him in.. and when i need help, He'd still be outside pointing pple to my doors so they can help..

guess now i really wanna be the coffee bean, and overcome my troubles(i dun just mean the break up!) i mean feeling lost/directionless, getting back to civilization, sorting my confusion/emotions(pertaining to my future,career,love life,social life,etc)

i wanna overcome!

the hillsongs song "this is how we overcome" comes to mind.. hehehe..

10:07 PM; yep, thanks Papa God for the new day. Y

wow.. God is good..

been a long time since i lead worship..
long time away from youth service cos of National Day Parade 2006 commitments..

but im back!

am going thru a lil reshuffling in life, a lil reorg, a lil redefining who i am..
esp these few days..
felt very unconfident due to friday nights events.. kinda pissed her off i think..
but now that i think back, Mr D.Evil prob made me go awry due to the lies he planted in my head. XXXXX, i apologise again.

before jamming rena took us thru a sermon-on-a-cd, andgot us to reflect what we learnt..
i guess it was really timely what the speaker said.

my take-home-lesson was that, worship to God is not determined by our feelings, but by what we want God to feel when we worship. whether we give a half hearted worship or a whole hearted worship.

then during jammin, i noticed she was really patient to one of our great upcoming guitarists, but somehow she'd lost her patience with me over time when we were tog.. ow! that got me a lil down, and i kept hitting the chords wrong.. %#&*! arrrrgh! Mr D. Evil prob doing his lil thing again..

however later, we went for lunch,and i realised i dint have money.. so i got up from the seat and went to get it from the nearby ATM.. i was battling if i should lead(and be victorious) or try again next time? however, if i skipped it this week, prob the next time i'd skip it (just because i wasn't ready), then prob the week after next i'd do the same, and leave out what God has in store for me.

so i kinda got a conviction when i went to draw money, and i realised i shouldn't, couldn't, and wouldn't want to miss out on God's plans, so i decided i should just try, and "kick satan in the ass".
rena supported me in co leading, and the band, consisting of ben, rena, justin, cindy and me, worked very well tog.. justin.. thanks for being so encouraging.. i've learnt alot from you.. see how you've grown!

i guess it was a timely lesson, and hey, i actually got to practice what i learnt earlier in the morn!
hallelujah! God IS goooooooood.

oh ya!
bumped my head bad... was putting my bass in ben's trunk, and then rena's streamers thingy fell out.. so i stupidly reached for it to put it properly and...

BAM!

the boot closed on me.. hehe BEN! grrr..
the left part of my face felt hot, and i couldnt control it for a while.. then came a dizzy spell..
wow.. first time got this kinda bump... rena said that she could feel the whole car shake when it came down on my cranium. lolz

but later everyone in the car prayed for me(ben rena liwei daren) in the carpark. i dunno why but i just laughed.. it WAS kinda funny really. but thru their prayer, and laying of hands, God began to heal..

eventually the dizziness went off and i felt much better... the face was better too..haha
had chili fish at waffle town.. but i think that could have been the cause of my diahorrea this morn.. decided not to go church in case i had to sit my bum on the bowl once every often. bah.

i hope to see more of what God has in store for me.. pray i get into a local uni..NUS? SMU? NTU? UNI-SIM? james cook uni? canberra uni? i dunno! else i may wanna do overseas... get some experience being really super duper independent.. hahas..

i'll just see how God leads.

"Lord thanks for sticking with me, even when i threw you aside. i wont do that again."

1:27 PM; yep, thanks Papa God for the new day. Y

im such an ass. i blew it this time. in my urge to get her to express emotion, i made her angry.
XXXXX, if you are reading this,

im sorry.
you are prob right. im rushing things. and in so doing pushing you further.

i wont call, sms, chat with you online, unless you first do so.
enough of hurting you.

lets still be friends.

please.

10:50 PM; yep, thanks Papa God for the new day. Y

wow wow wow! ytd was a lil breakthru!
im sooo pooped out man, i went to sleep when i got home with an outing with justin...

background
went to see pastor dennis ytd regarding psychology, and instead got more than i asked for..
uncle dennis is a pastor at COA, as well as a student counsellor.

upon boarding the lift, uncle dennis brought a kid up to his office..
for privacy's sake, boy's name will not be mentioned.
the kid was around 12, had messy hair, and a blank countenance. he looked lost and i guess he needed help, needed someone.
uncle dennis talked to him very paitently and told us both to sit at the conference room to wait for him.

i was there for advice, he was there cos uncle dennis wanted to help him..
but as we sat on the opposite sides of the table, our eyes kinda met, and i had a wanting to go over and say "hi, wats your name"..
but i was hardened i guess.. the me a couple of years ago would've done so, but i dint.

after he left the table, tears just sprang up in my eyes..
it was really embarassing when uncle dennis came back shortly and saw me in that state.
so he took me into his room for a private chat. meanwhile, jasper(a church staff, which became my friend) took the boy for a haircut.

he handled my thoughts very carefully and made me open up a lil, asking very relevant questions to make me ponder, to make me realise my situation. we touched on some sensitive issues, and i came out understanding me more.
i intended the meeting with him as solely "business" but i guess we tackled a lil more.

he asked me if given another chance with the boy what would i do?

well, i said i would be different, and make a difference.
so i did.

the boy came back with his hair cut, and popped his head in the office.
wow! he looked better, and had a different countenance. he didnt smile, but he WAS different.

spent the few hours with him getting to know him, and playing badminton with him.. he had an interest in that sport..
thank God jasper had shuttlecocks and rackets.. so we played badminton till we were so pooped out. for the first time that day i saw him smile.

my heart melted. i hope i'll not harden my heart to pple again...
played chi go pa(a old scissor paper stone type game of speed and wit) with him, and told him i was class champ before(eh i was ok. prob still am. come challenge me if you dare.. lol) and we had alot of fun. jasper introed us to chinese checkers and told us alot of riddles and showed us some magic tricks.. man..he has a talent with kids! hahha!

uncle dennis, jasper, thanks for making me feel welcomed, and opening me up a lil bit at a time. much appreciated.
went to liwei's house with daren for a bit and went to potong pasir mrt to go down plaza sing to meet justin..

and what a coincedence, i saw that boy in the mrt! he said to me "can we play chi go pa again tml?"

and i said "yes".

9:40 AM; yep, thanks Papa God for the new day. Y

Whoa.. started the day up and early.. approx 5 in the morn.. at least better than waking up at 4 like the past few days… sleep’s still kinda luxury I dun really have these few days.. but its getting better!

So kinda spent my morn looking for info regarding uni applications (cindy thanks for helping me out when I was still stuck in the army) till abt 12 odd before grama came into my room to get me out for lunch! Haha.. had my favourite “pa mee (a special heng hwa dish of thick floury noodles.)” that grama cooked. Something like ban mien, but more authentic. My grandma’s style. I simply lurrrrrrrve it.

Slurp.

Stephen, fawn, sitiZ, thanks for the help intro-ing me to some unis.. and advice.. very helpful to me.. thank you! Shaobin thanks for the “maths help” with calculating the GPA.. much appreciated.

Got some idea abt which uni to go to, but I think I wanna take stephen’s advice to talk with pastor dennis on it.. gonna see him tml.. kinda excited.. hope to be enlightened tml…

Went for a date with liwei! Hahah.. watched ant bully la.. very good show! But felt a lil weird cos the seat beside me was empty.. she wasn’t there no more, but so was the rest of the cinema.. so empty! Basically me and liwei sat anywhere we wanted. I dunno if liwei went to the right seats, but the seats we sat at was pretty good.

Haha the show shot me a bomb when there was a scene, where the female ant chided the hero ant that he ‘wasn’t the same ant she knew”.

Ow. But I’ll just leave it at that.

Anyway, the outing with liwei was quite fun, I realized I haven’t been out much really. And that this was a good time to GET A LIFE! Haha

Tml, I’ll be heading to sas to make my life a lil less dull, gonna help out a bit.. maybe strike up some new ideas for point community’s logo, meeting pastor dennis for some advice on psychology, and then have a date with Justin.. dunno go where.. haha fun packed day heading my way!

9:32 PM; yep, thanks Papa God for the new day. Y

heeeey! my first step into civilization. starting with this blog..
finally out of army soon.. clearing leave.. seems my "pink freedom" (as according to ryan) isnt far off.. God gimme str pls..

yesterday's been good.. well, i'd openly say i've broken up with my queen, but i thank her for that(im not being sarcastic) cos the break kinda showed me how much i missed and love her, and even more, i realised i left God pretty far off...

sorry papa God..

oh a lil something happened ytd.. thank God for the lesson..

i was the duty officer that day so...

background:
It was during the night when I came to the ground floor to get some guys to fill in their particulars cos they wanted to play sports. The particulars were to ensure there was a contact person in case someone was injured. Contact person was me.

situation:
2 guys involved. A fat guy I’ll call fred. Tom for the thin lean guy.
Tom was helping fred with pushups. Fred was quite fat last time, but due to ns, he slimmed down a lot. But fred was having trouble with push ups cos he said his arms were not able to support his weight. I was touched at that scene, but sad at seeing the two struggle.
Tom was struggling with motivating fred, fred was struggling to overcome his weight.

God pushed me forward to help these 2..
I told fred to break down the push ups into easy goals. (basically I asked him to do the girls style without letting him know la) then I told him to do 2. he succeeded 2. then I made it harder by getting him to push his ands further out. The managed my goal of 2 and then I told him to stretch further. Tho it was harder and harder. He managed the goals I set. Then I told him to recount how many he had done in total. 6. he couldn’t even do 1 in the beginning. And now he did a modified version of 6. I proved to him his arms could support him it was just his… (I made him say out loud) …“mind”. over the next few mins, I made his push up harder gradually getting him to do a proper pushup. Thru encouragement, he saw thru his own deception, and began to beam inside. He dint smile(cos he was pooped out tired), but his eyes were beaming.
He achieved 15 modified pushups and he promised to work on it. I told him that if he were to work on it, he would have to work on his mindset not his arm muscle. And the fitness would come as a bonus.
Tho its a simple thing as pushups, thru teaching him, I learnt something too..

lessons:
God was bringing a part of the old me back. the motivating sam from a long time ago..(i seemed to have lost that over time..)
and,
I need to set goals. Small ones that lead to big ones.First step was letting her go. Next is to serve, and gradually find God in all that.

thanks pastor ben,rena, pastor stephen, justin, liwei, dom, cindy, for hearing me out. kudos to you. many thanks. papa God especially you too, love ya.

5:21 PM; yep, thanks Papa God for the new day. Y