This might get mushy so proceed with caution. I have gotten in trouble before for the way I said things: so I hope I will portray my emotions correctly on not offensively.
Today is what I call D-day. 6 years ago today I got into a fatal car accident with my high school sweetheart & best friend of 4 years. I loved him so much. He was my Edward (for all you Twilight fans) That is the kind of love we had. The kind that seems unreal or just too good to be true. We dated for 2 years without kissing! Talk about passion & real friendship! His parents raised him in the gospel. He loved Jesus Christ & our Heavenly Father. He lived everyday like it mattered! He really did value each soul. He was always kind- on & off the basketball court-to people he knew & to strangers. He loved his family! He sincerely thought so highly of them! Family was most important to him. He was 6'4" so you couldn't miss him! He was always smiling & making us smile. He was a genius! He could effortlessly get straight A's (1 of those guys)... I was really jealous of that! He was all about having a good time! He loved N*SYNC/ Justin Timberlake & all those boy bands! HA. He would have me listen to those songs and explain that they said perfectly how he felt. At first I was start to laugh at him because it was so cheesy, but I realized he was serious. He had post its EVERYWHERE! All over the inside of his car, in his binders, books, ... and he'd grab them from me whenever I'd pick them up. I soon realized that we was a poet. He would compile these phrases and thoughts then write poems for me. I'm telling you... unreal. Trent will always be special to me.
Trent & I had gone out to lunch & were coming back to campus (senior year of high school 2003) And decided to drive over to a friends house. I was driving my new "kiss" car of 6 weeks (2001 royal blue Toyota Celica) I was preparing to turn into a residential neighborhood with my left blinker on and realized the Swans ice cream truck was coming the opposite direction and also turning to his left. It was like a stand still for a moment. Weird. Then as I crossed the 2nd on coming lane- a Chevy Silverado came plowing us at 40MPH and T-bone us in between a tree & a cinderblock fence. At the first moment I saw the truck inches away from my front fender I had thoughts racing through my head. “OH NO! What can I do? Speed up? Reverse?” But obviously my reaction time was taken away and Trent, in my passenger seat, was killed on impact.
I was knocked out… then pulled my head up from my right shoulder. I stared into a windshield of shattered glass. Trying to grasp what had just happened. Once I realized I just repeated over & over “No! No! PLEASE NO! Heavenly Father, NO!” I will spare you the rest of my horrific memories. But I could feel Trent’s cold hands. I didn’t want to believe it. There’s no way Trent could be dead. Then a strange peace came over me. “Everything’s going to be ok.” I couldn’t believe it. There’s no way everything’s ok! Look at him! Please, bring him back!!!!
I went to the hospital and the whole ambulance ride there I kept asking how Trent was. Finally the paramedic got firm with me and said to stop worrying- he needed to take care of me and needed me to focus. So I tried. I had fractured ribs, a lacerated liver & my right lung collapsed. I remember the step by step of this day, and those to follow shortly after, with more vividness than any other days of my life! I remember the feelings, emotions, the thoughts, the sorrow. The questioning, the hurt, the pain, the quilt! Not all of it has disappeared either! “Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. The FRIENDS do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands. Thou are not yet as Job…”
But I have found peace. Peace through my Savior. He has healed my soul. Christ’s atonement has saved me. Whenever I feel as low as the stubble, I remind myself of Christ’s sufferings. His sacrifice was so that we would not feel pain. I need not dwell in the sorrow… for too long! I have received forgiveness. ‘Although the Lord stands before us offering the help we need, there is a condition we must meet in order to see and receive of this atonement offering. ‘Upon me let this iniquity be. Let me deal with it if there is any dealing to be done. But you, my dear daughter, let it go. Let me take it as I already have done. Forgive.’ The hardest thing I’ve had to do is forgive myself. But it can be done!
I have received His unconditional love. He knows what I saw & didn’t see. He knows I didn’t mean for this to happen. He knows that I would have switched seats if I could have!!! “If thou art ‘accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; … and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb; And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are know and thy years shall NOT be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with YOU FOREVER and EVER.”
So today means a lot to me. Today is a reminder of Trent: his life, his love, his
example, & his death… his sad death that I am apart of. I ache for his family! I won’t even try to put into words my sorrow for them. I have realized that it would be very difficult to just accept WORDS of an apology if my child was taken from me! Words don’t fill the void. I wish I could some how take away their pain. I respect the Thompsons for being so strong! For enduring this the best they can! I love them!
I feel the need to address the unshakeable fact that I love Derek! I have the best husband! He makes me laugh and brings light into my heart! He is my life! He is my rock.... I am lucky to be his wife! His is patient with me & loves me regardless of my many imperfections! He supports me. So when I say all these things about Trent, please know it's different. It's that ‘first love’ kind of love and because he died it's even more unique. Trent was by best friend. And the way he died makes it all so much more personal. I’m grateful for a husband who understands. If you’ve actually read all this; thank you for sharing this day with me. Don’t forget to say I love you… it might be your last chance.
TO DANCE… I will stop looking back with regrets… or looking forward with fear… and give the best I have today.
WHILE I STILL CAN DANCE… I will take pleasure in the smiles that warm me and in the hugs that always say “I love you.”
DANCE WHILE YOU CAN…I will let your smile drive the dark away, your voice still my storms, and your hugs charm my fears away.
WHILE I STILL CAN DANCE… I will make certain my loved ones know how precious they are to me. I will serve them with my whole heart… with joy and freedom.
