My stamina is running low.

I wonder how long more I can last. I guess I've overestimated myself. I thought I could hang on, but then I realised how wrong I was. It's the same thing over and over again. I wonder. At times I think I work for the sake of keeping my mind off things, but then again, it's tiring. This ain't the life I want. I don't know where I fit in. The feeling of giving up appeals so much. But I don't have the heart to do it. If only I knew that things were gonna turn out like this, I would've left, there and then. If only. Is it too late to decide now?

这其中还带有什么意义呢？

Spending a Sunday alone at home feels like something new to me but it gave me time to think about what I've been doing with my life. Laying on bed wondering, is that really where I belong? I don't know. After a year or so I haven't found my place, I feel as though I haven't fit in. There used to be something that's keeping me going, something that made me feel that I'm not alone but now it's gone. That left me lost, totally lost. Now it just seems as though those aren't suitable for me. Whether or not, I don't know and I will never know. I know I shouldn't but I can't help but doubt. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm giving it another shot. One shot, that's it.

At times it really feels awkward. There are the times when I felt unworthy for I lacked those skills that seemed essential. I was never one of those artsy fartsy people, music never was my thing. But then it seemed that one couldn't do without it. There were the times, when my incompetency affected them all. There is nothing I have to offer, nothing I have to give, for I'm incompetent and weak. But now it's all too late, for it's something I cannot pick up at any time and I'll forever stay inferior, for it's lacking within me. 有时感到自己好无能，但又不能够改变自己， 这感受真痛苦。。

As CNY approaches, it made me feel even worse. As my family engaged in all that activities that left me in a dilemma. Follow or not to follow? It was then when I wondered, where do I really belong? Either way, something big is at stake. Can I really have the best of both worlds? Or must I really make a choice? Has the time come for me to make a decision? 我能够做到吗？

I guess I've made too many commitments. To myself, to others. But somehow I can't get myself to do it. I really don't know what lies in front of me. Left or right? Go straight or U-turn? I'm just blindly making my way through it all. I wanna let go, let go of everything I'm holding on to and start anew. But am I able to?

To be honest, I really don't know what was happening in my life for the past year. I'm just living each day as it is. I doubt I've grown or changed any much for that past year. 我不配。

This just reminds me of the period of time in 2009, when I felt like letting go but didn't know how to, for I'm afraid to hurt. That one month dragged on and on, before I finally got the courage to say no. The pain dragged on too. Strong and happy on the outside, weak on the inside.

I don't have to cry to show that I'm weak, neither do I have to smile to show that I'm fine. I don't have to put on a show for anyone, all I have to do is be myself. Easier said than done.

I hope it's just rash thinking on my part. I really do. I hope this feeling will fade away. I hope things can be just like how it was in the past. I hope this is really the right thing to do. I hope I will not live to regret. I hope I will make the right decision. I hope I'll be accepted for who I am. I hope this won't be the last. I hope I'll make it back there again. I hope...

Will 2011 be the last? 难道时间真的到了？

累了。

It's been barely two weeks of school and I'm exhausted already, facing all the horrible stuff in school. Each day I go to school hoping to find a corner to hide in for the whole day, away from everyone. Things haven't been exactly going smooth these few days.

Searching..

I've been searching, searching for my identity, searching for a place where I belong. This just ain't in my family culture and so, am I in the wrong? I'm getting my mind all messed up with the thinking.

I don't have to cry to show that I'm weak. I don't have to smile to show that I'm fine. All I have to do is be myself.

Seeking, but not found yet.

It's times like these when I ask myself, why? What am I doing all this for? Is it because I don't have a choice? Or is it because I want to? I don't know, I really don't. It just doesn't feel the same anymore, not a single bit. I can't stop the many thoughts thats been going through my mind. Somehow I just think of all the wrong thoughts, thoughts I shouldn't even be harbouring.

I want to start afresh. I want a change. But there's something that's stopping me. That's commitment. And hurt.

My life isn't exactly one that I should be proud of. There's nothing extraordinary that I actually did. I'm just living each day as it is. There seems to be no exact direction that I'm heading towards. I'm just drifting along as each day passes. There ain't no goal, no motive, no purpose, nothing to live for.

This week has indeed been eventful. Filled with ups and downs, it's like a rollercoaster ride that left me drained and exhausted. At times I think, this is it. This is the end, the last of so many years. I thought alot into the future, but thoughts are often just left as thoughts. Reality is never as wonderful as what we think it to be. I wonder. This marks the end. All else are better left as memories, memories that I will treasure, forever.

I think I've got my priorities all wrong, I think I'm unworthy. To be honest, after one year, I still haven't found my direction. I haven't experienced for myself. I haven't changed a single bit. I'm unworthy.

Life is indeed unpredictable. A month ago I just saw him, strong and fit, alive and kicking. Now, nobody knows what has happened to him for the past 34 hours and who knows what's gonna happen to him for the next few hours to go? We're all keeping vigil but something in our head is telling us to be prepared. Some things are just hard to accept, like matters of life and death. It takes time, but it will heal, one day. All we're hoping for is that a miracle will suffice and he'll return.

Sometimes it just feels like a hole in my heart. I'm seeing all the sufferings in the family but there's just nothing I can do and yet I have to act as if I'm unaffected. Everything I do has to be behind closed doors so that I wouldn't cause my parents more undue worry. It's tiring and mentally draining. There's no one to talk to when you desperately need someone to be there for you and at the same time you have to be that strong daughter of theirs. It's tiring. When you need a shoulder to lean on and there's none. When you need a pat on the back to keep you going and you don't get any. When the time comes and all you wanna do is quit. When everything's building up on the inside, I know that one day, just one day, it'll reach breaking point.

Dear Lord, I pray for all my family members who are going through a difficult period of time right now. I pray that you will grant them the strength to stand up and move on no matter what happens in the family. I pray for my grandfather who's aged and ailing, that the trial medicine he's been taking will work for him, that he won't feel so lethargic everyday, that his cancer cells will stop spreading and most importantly, that he will enjoy the last few years of his life. Please also guide me as I go through this very important year of my life. I pray that I have the ability to support the people around me in their times of need, that I will be able to stay strong whatever happens and not crumble, that I will learn to set my priorities right and that I will be able to find a direction in my life soon. Amen.

I know it's wrong to harbour such thoughts, but it seems to have lost it's meaning already. I think I've got my priorities wrong. After it all I came to realise that that was actually the reason that kept me going. I'm sorry. I've made a mental note to myself, that the time's coming. I'm sorry for I'm not able to keep my promise to you.

It's a test of time.

The holidays are gone. In 2 days time, it would be back to school, back to the life of waking up in the wee hours, back to the life of reaching home later and later each day, back to the old hectic lifestyle. Oh how I wish this holidays would not end, for two very reasons. Is this just human nature? Regret each time you lose something, but never learn your lesson and start treasuring every single thing? Now it's all too late. Temporal. Nice, but is it really? I'm holding on to every little chance I have to turn the tables. This year might very well be the last. Wake up Dawn.

I miss the times. The times I just lay in bed and did nothing, the times I've spent there, the memories we've had together, the laughters we shared. They will always remain, locked up in a corner of my heart.

As the times get tougher and tougher now, I know I need the strength to face each coming day and this strength will only be from You. I know this year is gonna be tough, hectic and epicly fast. All I ask for, is quality time with You amidst everything.

Stand firm Dawn, stay strong. 死都要撑下去。

Dear Lord, as You see my every weakness, please help me and guide me that I may stand strong on my feet once again, for You and for everyone else around. I pray that whatever I do is for You and not for the sake of anyone else. Let me learn to put You as my only focus. Though I'm weak but You strengthen me. Please let me learn how to hand everything into Your hands. Amen.

It's tearing me apart. But I know I've got to stay strong, for those around me. I can't afford to collapse now, not at this juncture. Guess this will be the last thing I do, before it's time. Slowly but surely, the time is coming. The time for me to let go of everything and place my focus on Him, and only Him. I'm clinging on the that very hope that one day, it'll all return to normal. It's the little strength that's keeping me going.

Dear Lord, please grant me the strength that I need now. I know I cannot afford to fall and only with Your love will I be able to stand firm. Thank you Lord

Oh how I love the holidays. Guess I've been spending like 90% of the holidays so far cooped up in my room, other than the rare times I actually bothered getting changed to go out. I enjoy the holidays alot. Being able to do whatever I want to, at whatever time I wanna do it. No need to interact with anyone at all, except my parents and some people. No need to entertain anyone. Just being myself, how I like myself to be. But then again, the days just fly past. Lying on my bed telling myself I'll get up at noon before realising that the sky's already dark. It's been a daily routine for me. Oh how I enjoy the serenity and peace of being locked up in the room all by myself. How I can do whatever I want to in my room without all the sympathetic stares. How I wish this holiday will never end.

着一个个宝贵的课，我宁记在心。

Coming to think of it, I realise I really don't know myself.

It hurts when all I can do is stand by you and not do anything. Yes it does. I'm afraid.

Dawn/Dusk/Kueh
02081994
Xinmin Secondary

My stamina is running low.

I wonder how long more I can last. I guess I've overestimated myself. I thought I could hang on, but then I realised how wrong I was. It's the same thing over and over again. I wonder. At times I think I work for the sake of keeping my mind off things, but then again, it's tiring. This ain't the life I want. I don't know where I fit in. The feeling of giving up appeals so much. But I don't have the heart to do it. If only I knew that things were gonna turn out like this, I would've left, there and then. If only. Is it too late to decide now?

这其中还带有什么意义呢？

Spending a Sunday alone at home feels like something new to me but it gave me time to think about what I've been doing with my life. Laying on bed wondering, is that really where I belong? I don't know. After a year or so I haven't found my place, I feel as though I haven't fit in. There used to be something that's keeping me going, something that made me feel that I'm not alone but now it's gone. That left me lost, totally lost. Now it just seems as though those aren't suitable for me. Whether or not, I don't know and I will never know. I know I shouldn't but I can't help but doubt. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm giving it another shot. One shot, that's it.

At times it really feels awkward. There are the times when I felt unworthy for I lacked those skills that seemed essential. I was never one of those artsy fartsy people, music never was my thing. But then it seemed that one couldn't do without it. There were the times, when my incompetency affected them all. There is nothing I have to offer, nothing I have to give, for I'm incompetent and weak. But now it's all too late, for it's something I cannot pick up at any time and I'll forever stay inferior, for it's lacking within me. 有时感到自己好无能，但又不能够改变自己， 这感受真痛苦。。

As CNY approaches, it made me feel even worse. As my family engaged in all that activities that left me in a dilemma. Follow or not to follow? It was then when I wondered, where do I really belong? Either way, something big is at stake. Can I really have the best of both worlds? Or must I really make a choice? Has the time come for me to make a decision? 我能够做到吗？

I guess I've made too many commitments. To myself, to others. But somehow I can't get myself to do it. I really don't know what lies in front of me. Left or right? Go straight or U-turn? I'm just blindly making my way through it all. I wanna let go, let go of everything I'm holding on to and start anew. But am I able to?

To be honest, I really don't know what was happening in my life for the past year. I'm just living each day as it is. I doubt I've grown or changed any much for that past year. 我不配。

This just reminds me of the period of time in 2009, when I felt like letting go but didn't know how to, for I'm afraid to hurt. That one month dragged on and on, before I finally got the courage to say no. The pain dragged on too. Strong and happy on the outside, weak on the inside.

I don't have to cry to show that I'm weak, neither do I have to smile to show that I'm fine. I don't have to put on a show for anyone, all I have to do is be myself. Easier said than done.

I hope it's just rash thinking on my part. I really do. I hope this feeling will fade away. I hope things can be just like how it was in the past. I hope this is really the right thing to do. I hope I will not live to regret. I hope I will make the right decision. I hope I'll be accepted for who I am. I hope this won't be the last. I hope I'll make it back there again. I hope...

Will 2011 be the last? 难道时间真的到了？

累了。

It's been barely two weeks of school and I'm exhausted already, facing all the horrible stuff in school. Each day I go to school hoping to find a corner to hide in for the whole day, away from everyone. Things haven't been exactly going smooth these few days.

Searching..

I've been searching, searching for my identity, searching for a place where I belong. This just ain't in my family culture and so, am I in the wrong? I'm getting my mind all messed up with the thinking.

I don't have to cry to show that I'm weak. I don't have to smile to show that I'm fine. All I have to do is be myself.

Seeking, but not found yet.

It's times like these when I ask myself, why? What am I doing all this for? Is it because I don't have a choice? Or is it because I want to? I don't know, I really don't. It just doesn't feel the same anymore, not a single bit. I can't stop the many thoughts thats been going through my mind. Somehow I just think of all the wrong thoughts, thoughts I shouldn't even be harbouring.

I want to start afresh. I want a change. But there's something that's stopping me. That's commitment. And hurt.

My life isn't exactly one that I should be proud of. There's nothing extraordinary that I actually did. I'm just living each day as it is. There seems to be no exact direction that I'm heading towards. I'm just drifting along as each day passes. There ain't no goal, no motive, no purpose, nothing to live for.

This week has indeed been eventful. Filled with ups and downs, it's like a rollercoaster ride that left me drained and exhausted. At times I think, this is it. This is the end, the last of so many years. I thought alot into the future, but thoughts are often just left as thoughts. Reality is never as wonderful as what we think it to be. I wonder. This marks the end. All else are better left as memories, memories that I will treasure, forever.

I think I've got my priorities all wrong, I think I'm unworthy. To be honest, after one year, I still haven't found my direction. I haven't experienced for myself. I haven't changed a single bit. I'm unworthy.

Life is indeed unpredictable. A month ago I just saw him, strong and fit, alive and kicking. Now, nobody knows what has happened to him for the past 34 hours and who knows what's gonna happen to him for the next few hours to go? We're all keeping vigil but something in our head is telling us to be prepared. Some things are just hard to accept, like matters of life and death. It takes time, but it will heal, one day. All we're hoping for is that a miracle will suffice and he'll return.

Sometimes it just feels like a hole in my heart. I'm seeing all the sufferings in the family but there's just nothing I can do and yet I have to act as if I'm unaffected. Everything I do has to be behind closed doors so that I wouldn't cause my parents more undue worry. It's tiring and mentally draining. There's no one to talk to when you desperately need someone to be there for you and at the same time you have to be that strong daughter of theirs. It's tiring. When you need a shoulder to lean on and there's none. When you need a pat on the back to keep you going and you don't get any. When the time comes and all you wanna do is quit. When everything's building up on the inside, I know that one day, just one day, it'll reach breaking point.

Dear Lord, I pray for all my family members who are going through a difficult period of time right now. I pray that you will grant them the strength to stand up and move on no matter what happens in the family. I pray for my grandfather who's aged and ailing, that the trial medicine he's been taking will work for him, that he won't feel so lethargic everyday, that his cancer cells will stop spreading and most importantly, that he will enjoy the last few years of his life. Please also guide me as I go through this very important year of my life. I pray that I have the ability to support the people around me in their times of need, that I will be able to stay strong whatever happens and not crumble, that I will learn to set my priorities right and that I will be able to find a direction in my life soon. Amen.

I know it's wrong to harbour such thoughts, but it seems to have lost it's meaning already. I think I've got my priorities wrong. After it all I came to realise that that was actually the reason that kept me going. I'm sorry. I've made a mental note to myself, that the time's coming. I'm sorry for I'm not able to keep my promise to you.

It's a test of time.

The holidays are gone. In 2 days time, it would be back to school, back to the life of waking up in the wee hours, back to the life of reaching home later and later each day, back to the old hectic lifestyle. Oh how I wish this holidays would not end, for two very reasons. Is this just human nature? Regret each time you lose something, but never learn your lesson and start treasuring every single thing? Now it's all too late. Temporal. Nice, but is it really? I'm holding on to every little chance I have to turn the tables. This year might very well be the last. Wake up Dawn.

I miss the times. The times I just lay in bed and did nothing, the times I've spent there, the memories we've had together, the laughters we shared. They will always remain, locked up in a corner of my heart.

As the times get tougher and tougher now, I know I need the strength to face each coming day and this strength will only be from You. I know this year is gonna be tough, hectic and epicly fast. All I ask for, is quality time with You amidst everything.

Stand firm Dawn, stay strong. 死都要撑下去。

Dear Lord, as You see my every weakness, please help me and guide me that I may stand strong on my feet once again, for You and for everyone else around. I pray that whatever I do is for You and not for the sake of anyone else. Let me learn to put You as my only focus. Though I'm weak but You strengthen me. Please let me learn how to hand everything into Your hands. Amen.

It's tearing me apart. But I know I've got to stay strong, for those around me. I can't afford to collapse now, not at this juncture. Guess this will be the last thing I do, before it's time. Slowly but surely, the time is coming. The time for me to let go of everything and place my focus on Him, and only Him. I'm clinging on the that very hope that one day, it'll all return to normal. It's the little strength that's keeping me going.

Dear Lord, please grant me the strength that I need now. I know I cannot afford to fall and only with Your love will I be able to stand firm. Thank you Lord

Oh how I love the holidays. Guess I've been spending like 90% of the holidays so far cooped up in my room, other than the rare times I actually bothered getting changed to go out. I enjoy the holidays alot. Being able to do whatever I want to, at whatever time I wanna do it. No need to interact with anyone at all, except my parents and some people. No need to entertain anyone. Just being myself, how I like myself to be. But then again, the days just fly past. Lying on my bed telling myself I'll get up at noon before realising that the sky's already dark. It's been a daily routine for me. Oh how I enjoy the serenity and peace of being locked up in the room all by myself. How I can do whatever I want to in my room without all the sympathetic stares. How I wish this holiday will never end.

着一个个宝贵的课，我宁记在心。

Coming to think of it, I realise I really don't know myself.

It hurts when all I can do is stand by you and not do anything. Yes it does. I'm afraid.