I don't know if you will read.  But I penned my thoughts to keep myself sane.

Remember that I forgave you each and every time?

Although you have never laid hands on my face, there were incidents that you pushed me, threw things at me, hit me hard on my arms and thigh. I forgave. You lie to me countless times since our first month and went out with other girl. I forgave. You lie to me, using my existing family issue despite knowing I would breakdown. I forgave you. I did not express my love and care as you did. Forgiveness is also my love for you.

I knew you were fed up that I pick up a quarrel when you are already so tired and stressed. But baby, I've improved for you. For recent years, I no longer pick up quarrel unreasonably just to provoke you. Yes, I admit I used to do that in our first few years of marriage. Knowing that you are busy with work, now I'll only text you in late afternoon to check whether we are having dinner together. In the past, I used to call you now and then because I'm not working and was too free. Though I still do sometimes complain a little that you have not been spending time with me, I kept it minimal. The childish me used to quarrel with you often just because you did not spend everyday with me.

I care for you.. Many times I don't disturb you at work. Many times we just use iPad and I gave you quiet time. I did.. Right? I care for you using not the same way as you did. You will refill our water, keep our clothes, off the aircon etc. Recently (I know it's a once in blue moon kind), I did a few of these, I kept the clothes.. I gave you massage.. I cover blanket for you, off the lights and went outside to continue use my iPad. I thought disturb you less is also a kind of care. I didn't know you expect so much of me. Last few incidents like your mum's birthday celebration, I was pissed off becos I thought you could better handle this situation so that I can also eat together with your mum. It's important to be present because your mum values every family member's presence. About the dinner you bought home, I was just grumbling with the remaining attitude of the date to celebrate your mum's birthday. I mentioned once only about meatball and did not repeatedly blame you. I didn't know you took it so hard. If you still remember, I did not persist the quarrel nor I make things more difficult for you because I knew I can't be unreasonable. And if you noticed, these years I no longer persist quarrel just to make you unhappy. I wasn't the childish me anymore.

Yet now.. My reasons provoke you. I try to reason but you didn't want to hear and you feel I am provoking you. You said I wasn't playing my supporting role especially now that I'm so free. I will also have time that I feel like doing nothing. After 27 months of accumulated stress from work, now I wish to take a long break from obliagtion, as in to only do whatever I feel like doing. Maybe I should have let you know that I actually considering working after I have rested enough. I didn't tell you yet because I wanted to break this news to you when I'm ready to go. My break could be half a year. I don't know when I will be ready.

Then you also keep harping on about my self harm. Will you understand what lead to this and understand that it's something beyond my control? Just like I also have to understand that when you flare up, you become a different you. I self harm because at the point of time my heart is tearing apart that I want to do something to feel pained. Maybe you will never understand.. Your words and actions are tearing me apart that I can't control myself. It was not meant to threaten you. Maybe you will not believe.

And.. I don't lie to you to make you upset. I never insult you though you are not perfect. Now that you can't see my efforts made these years, I feel disheartened and unappreciated. Even myself I'm uncertain of our future. I'm scared of you.

Perhaps...