Haven't been blogging for a while.
Haven't had time to do it.
Had been too busy.
Haven't had a good rest in years.
Haven't been the same me.
Many things have changed. Moses and Job didn't just sound like bible story characters.
The path of righteousness didn't seem as easy as I thought.
Somehow was stretched to the limits of my physical and emotional threshold.
Somehow just don't feel complimented when people think highly of you. It's an insult to be honest.
The great exodus. The great faith in the midst of hardship.
The closing of doors. The promise of a new one.
The old me in the video. And the new me. If God has changed me, what purposed does He have for me?
Where does He want me to go? When would He come?
All these are unclear to me. But I know.
If God has the strength to change me, God can give me strength.
To see me through the seasons. To see me through this season.
To see me to the promised land.
Because God is good.
God is in control.
God will bring His will to pass.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Benny Prasad
I saw a great man today. Benny Prasad. Humble, talented, and yet very faithful.
His testimony was very powerful. He shared that he came from a well to do family in India, Bangalore. Expectations of him was high, and his parents placed a lot of on emphasis on academic success on him. However, he developed a side effect from the drugs that he took for treating asthma, which caused him to lose 60% of his lung power. He even said he got pierced by a javelin when he was 12. Maybe that's the reason why. His health became very poor, his grades weren't good, and his parents became disappointed with him.
He was considered such a failure and good for nothing that everyone gave up on him. Friends, family, society... Fortunately his teacher gave him some hope. "Everyone is useful. Everyone can be used for their own purposes. Benny, you can be used as a negative example..."
"My family called me a curse to the family! I bring curse and disgrace to the family. I was very hurt. I even tried to commit suicide when I was 16. There is no point in living. Living means shame, rejection, and disgrace."
"But I got to know Jesus when I was 16. He was willing to die for my sake to save me."
"I asked him, how is this possible, when I am not healthy, I am a disgrace, I am a good for nothing. I have no savings, I have no talent, I am not worthy."
"Jesus said no. He said He needed me, to become a blessings for the nations. I was not so sure of myself. But I trusted Him."
"Jesus, if it is your plan for me to bring blessings to the nations, I will do it all by your provisions. I will not draw loans from a bank. I will not owe anyone anything to do Your work. I will trust You to provide all that I need."
His friends laughed at him. No one believed in him. But Benny never had any doubts about Jesus's promise to him. Benny became a great man. His guitar playing skills became legendary. But Benny was as humble after all these years.
His small bundle of passports was very cute! haha.
"Jesus taught me how to play the guitar, but I don't know why others say I'm good at it. I merely added two drums to the guitar and the University of New York gave me a doctorate for it!"
Yeah you better listen and see how he plays the guitar. It is anything but ordinary. He is crazily good at it.
"Jesus gave me a new life again, to live life in a clean slate. I am thankful for Him putting a price on my life by paying for it with His own life. That is how much my life is worth in His eyes! He is willing to die for me, and He gave me hope. I am eternally grateful to Him!"
I feel very encouraged after listening to Benny's testimony. He was indeed, someone put under extreme circumstances, and He shone for the Lord! Somehow I can feel a connection between him and me. Just by that one line of his.
"Jesus taught me how to play the guitar."
I didn't receive any formal training in music or guitar either. In worldly terms, I picked up the guitar on my own, by learning how to read chords, by observing youtube videos. But deep down I know, my skills were a blessing to me by the Lord, who taught me how to play the guitar. Why do I say so? I did the same things even before I returned back to Christ, like reading chord diagrams, observing videos, but my guitar playing skills were as lousy.
After seeing Benny, I felt very excited. I know I am able to do great works for God in time to come! Because we have something in common.
Jesus taught us how to play the guitar.
His testimony was very powerful. He shared that he came from a well to do family in India, Bangalore. Expectations of him was high, and his parents placed a lot of on emphasis on academic success on him. However, he developed a side effect from the drugs that he took for treating asthma, which caused him to lose 60% of his lung power. He even said he got pierced by a javelin when he was 12. Maybe that's the reason why. His health became very poor, his grades weren't good, and his parents became disappointed with him.
He was considered such a failure and good for nothing that everyone gave up on him. Friends, family, society... Fortunately his teacher gave him some hope. "Everyone is useful. Everyone can be used for their own purposes. Benny, you can be used as a negative example..."
"My family called me a curse to the family! I bring curse and disgrace to the family. I was very hurt. I even tried to commit suicide when I was 16. There is no point in living. Living means shame, rejection, and disgrace."
"But I got to know Jesus when I was 16. He was willing to die for my sake to save me."
"I asked him, how is this possible, when I am not healthy, I am a disgrace, I am a good for nothing. I have no savings, I have no talent, I am not worthy."
"Jesus said no. He said He needed me, to become a blessings for the nations. I was not so sure of myself. But I trusted Him."
"Jesus, if it is your plan for me to bring blessings to the nations, I will do it all by your provisions. I will not draw loans from a bank. I will not owe anyone anything to do Your work. I will trust You to provide all that I need."
His friends laughed at him. No one believed in him. But Benny never had any doubts about Jesus's promise to him. Benny became a great man. His guitar playing skills became legendary. But Benny was as humble after all these years.
His small bundle of passports was very cute! haha.
"Jesus taught me how to play the guitar, but I don't know why others say I'm good at it. I merely added two drums to the guitar and the University of New York gave me a doctorate for it!"
Yeah you better listen and see how he plays the guitar. It is anything but ordinary. He is crazily good at it.
"Jesus gave me a new life again, to live life in a clean slate. I am thankful for Him putting a price on my life by paying for it with His own life. That is how much my life is worth in His eyes! He is willing to die for me, and He gave me hope. I am eternally grateful to Him!"
I feel very encouraged after listening to Benny's testimony. He was indeed, someone put under extreme circumstances, and He shone for the Lord! Somehow I can feel a connection between him and me. Just by that one line of his.
"Jesus taught me how to play the guitar."
I didn't receive any formal training in music or guitar either. In worldly terms, I picked up the guitar on my own, by learning how to read chords, by observing youtube videos. But deep down I know, my skills were a blessing to me by the Lord, who taught me how to play the guitar. Why do I say so? I did the same things even before I returned back to Christ, like reading chord diagrams, observing videos, but my guitar playing skills were as lousy.
After seeing Benny, I felt very excited. I know I am able to do great works for God in time to come! Because we have something in common.
Jesus taught us how to play the guitar.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Never let me go
Returning to church somehow gives a mixed feeling. Gladness because I finally found peace in life. Yet, it also brings about some sadness in me.
Sadness as in, some of my pre-believer friends are starting to shun me because they have an impression that all Christians are evangelistic. While I gained lots of new friends in church, I am also losing some outside church, just by their impression of Christianity.
One friend even asked me, "Are you talking to me now because you feel that I have the "potential" to be converted?"
It hurts, but I pray that they might know of this grace someday.
I could still remember very vividly, how the Lord's hands picked up the shattered pieces of the kingdom of ah lang, and said to me.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9.
He gave me peace in life.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philipians 4:7.
He is the rock that I stand on, the source of my confidence in life.
"He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalms 62:2.
He taught me to honor my parents despite me not totally respecting them.
"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12.
He told me to give wisely with respect to the constraints I have, so that I may give happily.
"Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." 2 Cor 9:7.
He never fails to encourage me whenever I am feeling low.
"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe."
Psalms 61:2-3.
He gave me hope in life.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
He taught me to start doing good works.
"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." 2 Tim 3:16-17.
He blessed me with a skill for guitar playing and singing songs!
"Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs." Psalms 100:2
He has taught me not to resolve things spitefully, or to create more tension, just to get back at others to do myself justice.
"Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." James 3:18
But most importantly He gave me this promise, when I finally realised all I had achieved in my life have been meaningless.
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5.
Can you feel God's love tonight?
Sadness as in, some of my pre-believer friends are starting to shun me because they have an impression that all Christians are evangelistic. While I gained lots of new friends in church, I am also losing some outside church, just by their impression of Christianity.
One friend even asked me, "Are you talking to me now because you feel that I have the "potential" to be converted?"
It hurts, but I pray that they might know of this grace someday.
I could still remember very vividly, how the Lord's hands picked up the shattered pieces of the kingdom of ah lang, and said to me.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9.
He gave me peace in life.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philipians 4:7.
He is the rock that I stand on, the source of my confidence in life.
"He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalms 62:2.
He taught me to honor my parents despite me not totally respecting them.
"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12.
He told me to give wisely with respect to the constraints I have, so that I may give happily.
"Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." 2 Cor 9:7.
He never fails to encourage me whenever I am feeling low.
"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe."
Psalms 61:2-3.
He gave me hope in life.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
He taught me to start doing good works.
"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." 2 Tim 3:16-17.
He blessed me with a skill for guitar playing and singing songs!
"Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs." Psalms 100:2
He has taught me not to resolve things spitefully, or to create more tension, just to get back at others to do myself justice.
"Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." James 3:18
But most importantly He gave me this promise, when I finally realised all I had achieved in my life have been meaningless.
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5.
Can you feel God's love tonight?
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Being watched over
All these while I had always believed someone was watching out for me up there, even when I was not a believer in Christ.
When my hand struck the landing skid of the helicopter while doing my live descent during NS days, I lost control of the rope and free-falled for 10 metres down the rope. If my line man wasn't alert and tightened the rope, I would have pummeled to my death.
And I was almost knocked down by a van near my school when I crossed Watten Drive without really checking the incoming vehicles from the main road. (Was too preoccupied thinking about work then!)
And the feeling of unpeace when I sat in the car, that led me to that conclusion what I wanted to do with my life.
And today, when the boy gave me a tackle that fell me to the ground face flat, after I got up the opponent players immediately came up and restrained me and held me back for goodness knows what. It was only after the game that my friends told me they were quite worried that I will retaliate because the tackle seemed very terrible. Will break shin bone that type! They were so worried for me! And then I thought I had a routine fall, and I didn't even feel anything.
If you were to ask me how I felt given this position last year this time, I would have attributed it to luck.
But now I know, that it is actually the Lord who has protected me from being the fourth person I know in my life after Ace, Ah Koh, and CK to suffer a broken shin bone.
Hallelujah!
When my hand struck the landing skid of the helicopter while doing my live descent during NS days, I lost control of the rope and free-falled for 10 metres down the rope. If my line man wasn't alert and tightened the rope, I would have pummeled to my death.
And I was almost knocked down by a van near my school when I crossed Watten Drive without really checking the incoming vehicles from the main road. (Was too preoccupied thinking about work then!)
And the feeling of unpeace when I sat in the car, that led me to that conclusion what I wanted to do with my life.
And today, when the boy gave me a tackle that fell me to the ground face flat, after I got up the opponent players immediately came up and restrained me and held me back for goodness knows what. It was only after the game that my friends told me they were quite worried that I will retaliate because the tackle seemed very terrible. Will break shin bone that type! They were so worried for me! And then I thought I had a routine fall, and I didn't even feel anything.
If you were to ask me how I felt given this position last year this time, I would have attributed it to luck.
But now I know, that it is actually the Lord who has protected me from being the fourth person I know in my life after Ace, Ah Koh, and CK to suffer a broken shin bone.
Hallelujah!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Confession = something good for my soul but bad for my reputation
Over the past half a year or so, my friends and colleagues have noticed and commented the changes in me.
I didn't realise the changes until I really sat down and thought about it.
What were the changes in me?
The way I speak?
The way I think?
The way I live?
The things I live for?
I couldn't pinpoint the exact changes, but those who noticed the changes well wouldn't contest that the changes in me are the works of God.
Even my church friends have commented that I am too "holy". I.e. Out of 10 sentences that I speak, at least 2 or 3 will be about God.
Is it because I am a new Christian so the fire is still burning strong?
Is it because I am pretending to be "Godly" so that I can fit into the church community faster?
Or is it because I am only putting on a nice facade, a personality totally different from me?
To be honest, I don't know.
But I can confidently tell you. I denied the Lord for 15 years.
Usually when people get baptised, it usually marks the start of a committed Christian life.
For me, it only marked the start of an end.
My mum stopped bugging me about going to church once I got baptised. Getting baptised was something to silence her.
After I got baptised, I was so thankful that she finally stopped harassing me week in and week out about church. She was just a damned bloody nag. Really a damned bloody nag. Until so much she got on my nerves. I never got to know God before and after I got baptised. All I knew was that I was forced, and was emotionally blackmailed into doing it.
And my mum was the greatest contradiction of all. In fact, a laughing stock. After we got baptised, she stopped going to church herself. What kind of example was she setting? What kind of testimony is she for God?
I hated God because of my mum, and because of her, I thought God was a joke.
To me, Christianity is an aggressive religion that is pushy. It wouldn't leave free thinkers alone. It wants to attract more people into its churches, suck money from people, and build mega churches. It's just a way to cheat money from honest people via the excuses of religion.
And from then onwards, I wandered off into the wilderness, unknowingly into the darkness.
For the good part of the first 10 years, it felt really great! Especially during the days of my early 20s. I had total freedom! I could do what I want, I could achieve whatever I set my sights on.
1) PSLE do well? Checked.
2) Get into RI? Checked.
3) Get into RJ? Checked.
4) Get a scholarship? Checked.
5) Get 2nd upper for degree? Checked.
6) Enjoyed university life? Checked.
7) Play football like a god? Checked. In fact, I was my own god. I am god himself! Damned bloody song.
8) Get a stable job and not worry about money? Checked.
9) Find a girlfriend who is pretty, has a nice figure, intelligent, and rich? Checked. In fact, she more than fitted the bill! She was quite open-minded about being physically intimate. (short of having sex. She insists on sex after marriage, but anything other than that is ok).
Wow, I had it all! I had achieved all that most people worked all their lives to try to achieve. I bet for some of those losers, even if they worked all their lives they might not even get 3 out of the 9 things that I had listed there.
I am the god living in my own kingdom, painstakingly constructed by me and my hardwork alone over the years. Who needs a God? Fuck you God, you're a joke.
But yet I was unhappy. Cracks started to appear in my kingdom. The things I thought will make me happy didn't make me as happy as I would be.
1) PSLE? Forgot the joy of the 268/300 long ago.
2) Get into RI? I didn't even remember what I did there.
3) Get into RJ? Spent my 2 years mugging to atone for my 'O' levels.
4) Get a scholarship? Stressed me out because I had to perform every sem. Couldn't afford to send them a lousy results slip.
5) Get 2nd upper for degree? Was more relieved than happy. 4.03 wasn't a great affirmation of my credentials. It's more of lucky than solid.
6) Enjoyed university life? Yes. This really made me happy.
7) Play football like a god? While I repayed my faithfulness to football by setting aside time every weekend to go for games, some teams scolded and cursed me when I played badly, even when I bore the pain of my injuries and played for them. Some teams didn't even start me when I got down the earliest and warmed up properly. I was made to look like a kuku. Never trust football to be faithful to me.
8) Get a stable job and not worry about money? Stable and not to worry about money? Yes. But I worked so hard until I had no life. It was really no life. Damned low class and low morale. 13 hour days.
9) Find a girlfriend who is pretty, has a nice figure, intelligent, and rich? My girlfriend became more of a trophy than companion. Whenever I went out with her, she never failed to turn the eyes of other eyes to her. But beyond the sight of everyone, there were just quarrels, manipulation, self-centredness. We went into a relationship not because of love, but just to fill the loneliness in us. The relationship was based on what could we get the most out of it for ourselves, rather than genuine mutual concern. I was deeply touched by her dedication to me, but one thing she said smashed it all.
"I never liked you, but to me every relationship is a commitment. As long as I tried my best and have no regrets, I'll move on. And I'll persist in this belief for all the relationships that I go into."
It was so void and empty.
But to be fair to her, I wasn't such an angel too. If you noticed the language that I used to type this entry, all the vulgarities and arrogance, you'll know I am a self-centred bastard too.
I tried to run away. I was tired of my no-life job. I was tired of the dating game. I was tired of the loneliness and aimlessness. I was envious of couples who appear so loving on the streets. I just wanted to travel and see the world.
And the thought of being pilot came to my mind. I do not need to elaborate here if you have seen my earlier entries. And I did lots of research and drastic actions. I did lasik and was on the verge of breaking my bond, spend all my savings to get a PPL, then apply for SIA. I almost screwed up my life with my own hands. The same hands that constructed the shining kingdom of Ah Lang.
Then God decided that enough was enough, and He stepped in.
I should have realised, that God had been watching out for me all the while I was in the wilderness. There was once I was in the passenger seat of my girlfriend's car. And there was a mini-statue of a budda. I felt so suffocated and not at peace but I couldn't explain why. I should have realised that that was a sign of God.
And God showed me a book. "The Kingdom of Self" by Earl Jabay.
http://www.drfry.com/Articles/General/Kingdom%20of%20Self/kingdom_of_self.htm
And I read the "Road to Emmaus" given to me by Kelly a few years ago.
Somehow I realised God wasn't such a joke after all. I had wronged Him all these years.
And the final straw came when my girlfriend said something that changed my life.
"I agreed to go out with you because you don't go to church."
That made me think. A lot. She didn't like church. I didn't like budda. She didn't like me going to church. I didn't like her being a buddist. And suddenly it became so simple.
I called it off with her. And never looked back.
And a few months after that, I attended "my hope Singapore" organised by my present church, and the rest is history.
And God told me to surrender all that I have to Him. He is always ready to bless, but only when we are willing to let go to prepare ourselves for His greater blessings. The letting go is never easy, many times it is tough. But it's all part of His scourging, to make us better people, because He really receives us as His children.
And for God I stopped committing to football.
I broke up with my girlfriend.
I halted my pilot-becoming plans.
I gave up all my dreams.
To be honest right now I don't even know what will become of me.
But I know, God is hammering me into shape, for His greater purposes, just as what the following song is saying.
http://www.imeem.com/people/ZhPNvp/music/b6DwQPug/bebo-norman-the-hammer-holds/
A shapeless piece of steel, that's all I claim to be
This hammer pounds to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
I glow with fire and fury, as I'm twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form I'm sure I'm bound to find
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
And the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
I have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
And the question still remains, what am I to be?
Perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
The hammer pounds again, but flames I do not feel
This force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh, and wood reveals
A burn that burns much deeper, it's more than I can stand
The reason for my life was to take the life of a guiltless man
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
This task before me may seem unclear
But it, my maker holds
Hopefully now you know I am not exactly trying to be "holy", but more of because I really love this God who single handedly plucked me out of all the darkness and pain. I will sing praises to Him for as long as I live! (Which is eternally of course. *wink*)
I didn't realise the changes until I really sat down and thought about it.
What were the changes in me?
The way I speak?
The way I think?
The way I live?
The things I live for?
I couldn't pinpoint the exact changes, but those who noticed the changes well wouldn't contest that the changes in me are the works of God.
Even my church friends have commented that I am too "holy". I.e. Out of 10 sentences that I speak, at least 2 or 3 will be about God.
Is it because I am a new Christian so the fire is still burning strong?
Is it because I am pretending to be "Godly" so that I can fit into the church community faster?
Or is it because I am only putting on a nice facade, a personality totally different from me?
To be honest, I don't know.
But I can confidently tell you. I denied the Lord for 15 years.
Usually when people get baptised, it usually marks the start of a committed Christian life.
For me, it only marked the start of an end.
My mum stopped bugging me about going to church once I got baptised. Getting baptised was something to silence her.
After I got baptised, I was so thankful that she finally stopped harassing me week in and week out about church. She was just a damned bloody nag. Really a damned bloody nag. Until so much she got on my nerves. I never got to know God before and after I got baptised. All I knew was that I was forced, and was emotionally blackmailed into doing it.
And my mum was the greatest contradiction of all. In fact, a laughing stock. After we got baptised, she stopped going to church herself. What kind of example was she setting? What kind of testimony is she for God?
I hated God because of my mum, and because of her, I thought God was a joke.
To me, Christianity is an aggressive religion that is pushy. It wouldn't leave free thinkers alone. It wants to attract more people into its churches, suck money from people, and build mega churches. It's just a way to cheat money from honest people via the excuses of religion.
And from then onwards, I wandered off into the wilderness, unknowingly into the darkness.
For the good part of the first 10 years, it felt really great! Especially during the days of my early 20s. I had total freedom! I could do what I want, I could achieve whatever I set my sights on.
1) PSLE do well? Checked.
2) Get into RI? Checked.
3) Get into RJ? Checked.
4) Get a scholarship? Checked.
5) Get 2nd upper for degree? Checked.
6) Enjoyed university life? Checked.
7) Play football like a god? Checked. In fact, I was my own god. I am god himself! Damned bloody song.
8) Get a stable job and not worry about money? Checked.
9) Find a girlfriend who is pretty, has a nice figure, intelligent, and rich? Checked. In fact, she more than fitted the bill! She was quite open-minded about being physically intimate. (short of having sex. She insists on sex after marriage, but anything other than that is ok).
Wow, I had it all! I had achieved all that most people worked all their lives to try to achieve. I bet for some of those losers, even if they worked all their lives they might not even get 3 out of the 9 things that I had listed there.
I am the god living in my own kingdom, painstakingly constructed by me and my hardwork alone over the years. Who needs a God? Fuck you God, you're a joke.
But yet I was unhappy. Cracks started to appear in my kingdom. The things I thought will make me happy didn't make me as happy as I would be.
1) PSLE? Forgot the joy of the 268/300 long ago.
2) Get into RI? I didn't even remember what I did there.
3) Get into RJ? Spent my 2 years mugging to atone for my 'O' levels.
4) Get a scholarship? Stressed me out because I had to perform every sem. Couldn't afford to send them a lousy results slip.
5) Get 2nd upper for degree? Was more relieved than happy. 4.03 wasn't a great affirmation of my credentials. It's more of lucky than solid.
6) Enjoyed university life? Yes. This really made me happy.
7) Play football like a god? While I repayed my faithfulness to football by setting aside time every weekend to go for games, some teams scolded and cursed me when I played badly, even when I bore the pain of my injuries and played for them. Some teams didn't even start me when I got down the earliest and warmed up properly. I was made to look like a kuku. Never trust football to be faithful to me.
8) Get a stable job and not worry about money? Stable and not to worry about money? Yes. But I worked so hard until I had no life. It was really no life. Damned low class and low morale. 13 hour days.
9) Find a girlfriend who is pretty, has a nice figure, intelligent, and rich? My girlfriend became more of a trophy than companion. Whenever I went out with her, she never failed to turn the eyes of other eyes to her. But beyond the sight of everyone, there were just quarrels, manipulation, self-centredness. We went into a relationship not because of love, but just to fill the loneliness in us. The relationship was based on what could we get the most out of it for ourselves, rather than genuine mutual concern. I was deeply touched by her dedication to me, but one thing she said smashed it all.
"I never liked you, but to me every relationship is a commitment. As long as I tried my best and have no regrets, I'll move on. And I'll persist in this belief for all the relationships that I go into."
It was so void and empty.
But to be fair to her, I wasn't such an angel too. If you noticed the language that I used to type this entry, all the vulgarities and arrogance, you'll know I am a self-centred bastard too.
I tried to run away. I was tired of my no-life job. I was tired of the dating game. I was tired of the loneliness and aimlessness. I was envious of couples who appear so loving on the streets. I just wanted to travel and see the world.
And the thought of being pilot came to my mind. I do not need to elaborate here if you have seen my earlier entries. And I did lots of research and drastic actions. I did lasik and was on the verge of breaking my bond, spend all my savings to get a PPL, then apply for SIA. I almost screwed up my life with my own hands. The same hands that constructed the shining kingdom of Ah Lang.
Then God decided that enough was enough, and He stepped in.
I should have realised, that God had been watching out for me all the while I was in the wilderness. There was once I was in the passenger seat of my girlfriend's car. And there was a mini-statue of a budda. I felt so suffocated and not at peace but I couldn't explain why. I should have realised that that was a sign of God.
And God showed me a book. "The Kingdom of Self" by Earl Jabay.
http://www.drfry.com/Articles/General/Kingdom%20of%20Self/kingdom_of_self.htm
And I read the "Road to Emmaus" given to me by Kelly a few years ago.
Somehow I realised God wasn't such a joke after all. I had wronged Him all these years.
And the final straw came when my girlfriend said something that changed my life.
"I agreed to go out with you because you don't go to church."
That made me think. A lot. She didn't like church. I didn't like budda. She didn't like me going to church. I didn't like her being a buddist. And suddenly it became so simple.
I called it off with her. And never looked back.
And a few months after that, I attended "my hope Singapore" organised by my present church, and the rest is history.
And God told me to surrender all that I have to Him. He is always ready to bless, but only when we are willing to let go to prepare ourselves for His greater blessings. The letting go is never easy, many times it is tough. But it's all part of His scourging, to make us better people, because He really receives us as His children.
And for God I stopped committing to football.
I broke up with my girlfriend.
I halted my pilot-becoming plans.
I gave up all my dreams.
To be honest right now I don't even know what will become of me.
But I know, God is hammering me into shape, for His greater purposes, just as what the following song is saying.
http://www.imeem.com/people/ZhPNvp/music/b6DwQPug/bebo-norman-the-hammer-holds/
A shapeless piece of steel, that's all I claim to be
This hammer pounds to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
I glow with fire and fury, as I'm twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form I'm sure I'm bound to find
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
And the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
I have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
And the question still remains, what am I to be?
Perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
The hammer pounds again, but flames I do not feel
This force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh, and wood reveals
A burn that burns much deeper, it's more than I can stand
The reason for my life was to take the life of a guiltless man
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
This task before me may seem unclear
But it, my maker holds
Hopefully now you know I am not exactly trying to be "holy", but more of because I really love this God who single handedly plucked me out of all the darkness and pain. I will sing praises to Him for as long as I live! (Which is eternally of course. *wink*)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
All the Heavens
Holy holy are You Lord
The whole earth is filled with Your glory
Let the nations rise to give
Honour and praise to Your name
Let Your face shine on us
And the world will know You live
All the heavens shout Your praise
Beautiful is our God
The universe will sing
Hallelujah to You our King!
Lord bless Mia Koon with a fruitful season of sabbatical, and keep his family safe.
Lord bless Huimin with a job that she will rejoice in.
Lord bless Shawna with an everlasting and happy marriage.
Lord bless those who have not come to know of your glory and grace.
All these I ask in Jesus's name.
Amen!
The whole earth is filled with Your glory
Let the nations rise to give
Honour and praise to Your name
Let Your face shine on us
And the world will know You live
All the heavens shout Your praise
Beautiful is our God
The universe will sing
Hallelujah to You our King!
Lord bless Mia Koon with a fruitful season of sabbatical, and keep his family safe.
Lord bless Huimin with a job that she will rejoice in.
Lord bless Shawna with an everlasting and happy marriage.
Lord bless those who have not come to know of your glory and grace.
All these I ask in Jesus's name.
Amen!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Through the day
Lunch today.
In my own understanding I wanted to return to the usual stall again for rice and soup. Inexplicably, I walked away from it because I saw that there weren't many dishes left.
Inexplicably I wandered to the japanese food stall. The uncle told me he ran out of rice. For a moment I didn't know what to do. I inquired about noodles instead. He pointed to an item in the menu and started preparing the dish without asking me for my opinion! Now I couldn't walk away from the stall and choose other food.
It was a hot bowl of ramen soup. I just ate it up without much consideration because I was hungry.
After the meal, I heard a voice from the Lord.
"This bowl of hot noodles is to see you through the day."
It was then that I remembered that today is a wet and cold day due to the heavy rain.
In my own understanding I wanted to return to the usual stall again for rice and soup. Inexplicably, I walked away from it because I saw that there weren't many dishes left.
Inexplicably I wandered to the japanese food stall. The uncle told me he ran out of rice. For a moment I didn't know what to do. I inquired about noodles instead. He pointed to an item in the menu and started preparing the dish without asking me for my opinion! Now I couldn't walk away from the stall and choose other food.
It was a hot bowl of ramen soup. I just ate it up without much consideration because I was hungry.
After the meal, I heard a voice from the Lord.
"This bowl of hot noodles is to see you through the day."
It was then that I remembered that today is a wet and cold day due to the heavy rain.
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