How does one find their way out of the shell they have created? One they built either with intent, or completely unaware of the building process, yet now see the result of this creation and the only thing they want is to gather the strength to gain their freedom. I can see that I have dug myself in and created my own shell, sadly, I knew it was happening and did nothing to stop it, in fact, I used it as an excuse to dig in deeper, making it that much harder to get out. I haven't made attempts to hang out with anyone for so long, I'm sure there are a few that have all but forgotten the last time we saw each other. Even worse, I have intentionally made plans that conflict with events that I thought I might be invited to, or simply ignored invites, there were honest accidents here and there, but they were pretty well outnumbered by the a$$hole moves. Another problem is trying to remember to attend the events, I missed my brother's show at a local venue this month, completely forgot about it, that is definitely not one I intentionally missed. It is pretty hard to understand the power of the 'pity train' until it gets control of you and takes off.
Fighting to get out of this funk was difficult already, now I'm trying to fight for custody of my kids, remain employed full-time and look for a home that won't result in me breaking limbs just to enter the house. For the past several months, I've been having falls going up and down the stairs that go from the garage to the living room. The VA just had our current house evaluated for a stair lift, but we don't intend to stay at this house for much longer (depending on the outcome of the next hearing, it could be even more delayed), so I am hesitant to have one installed, just to have to do the same thing at the next house, especially since I believe this is a one-time thing the VA offers. I saw a video today about a paralyzed soldier using the bionic exoskeleton to help him walk. He said the one thing that always rings in my head, walking is taken for granted. Just like the song says, "You don't know what you got, until it's gone", it's one of our most triumphant accomplishments we achieve while still in diapers. I'm sure that not too many people remember their first steps, but I know the parents that witnessed them will never forget. Now, to have been unable to walk unassisted for over 2 years, and to be on the verge of not being able to do something I have done for 33ish years, it really does make a big impact on a person's life.
(The entire time I was writing that paragraph, all I could think of was the scene in Clerks 2 with Randall bashing the paralyzed guy on his blog for trying to make people feel bad because they should choose to walk instead of drive, etc.. Funny as hell, a definite must see. But now, I'm that guy on the blog, and don't get me wrong, I love Kevin Smith's humor, but I can now empathize with the character. Even the smallest things can change a person's perspective.)
Now that the seasons are changing, I'll be losing an excuse for not wanting to go out, can't say that the cold is killing my foot anymore. I'm hoping this will lead to me actually accepting invites to outings and making efforts to create some of my own. I am organizing a fundraiser walk that is a satellite of the RSDSA Achilles walk that takes place in NYC, 29 June. This is my second attempt at making this happen, this year I started advertising it sooner and have reached out to more community groups and the local news. All money raised goes to the association and will be used to fund research and help those who suffer from CRPS/RSD. Working on this event is actually helping me keep my head up and feel a sense of worth that I haven't felt for quite a while. I am waiting to speak to the coordinator of the RSDSA walk for ideas of what to have at the start and/or finish of the walk. I have no clue what I'm doing, but I'm hoping that she can get me some good info.
You can check out the info about the walk at the links below.
https://www.facebook.com/events/762111020489798/
http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/cinghoa/2014-achilles-walk-for-hope-and-possibility
http://rsds.org/index2.html
