Oxy-Morons in Military Intelligence

A number of years ago I watched an interview with a high ranking CIA official commenting on Russia's war in Afghanistan. He said he saw this as an opportunity to give Russia its own Vietnam experience. The CIA trained and armed Mujaheddin 'freedom fighters' in guerrilla warfare against the Russians. This short-sighted approach, devoid of any serious consideration of who they are really dealing with and its ramifications is characteristic of our intelligence community and our policymakers. Consider what the US has effectively done. We have trained radical Islamists, who hate western ideals, hate America, who would kill anyone standing in their way on the path to world domination, how to use terror tactics against a superior force. We have armed them, trained them with taxpayer funds without considering the long-term consequences. These same fighters turn their weapons and terror upon America (anybody remember 9-11?) and throughout the Middle East and Europe.


The US took down a strong Iraq which kept its extremists in check; an Iraq which served as a counterbalance to the Iranian hegemony in the region. The US effectively destabilized the region. In its place, US withdrawal from an unstable region allowed Jihadists in ISIS to massacre Christians, destroy holy sites, strip freedoms from women and minorities, and create a reign of terror.

The US send billions of dollars in aid and arms to countries who pray for Americas destruction. And we criticize the only country that has the balls to fight terrorists head-on. You just have to wonder how these policymakers have gotten to where they are today and where on earth is our intelligence community's intelligence.

Do No Harm

Welcome to the golden rule of doctoring applied with blind ignorance and arrogance. By now I guess you would have heard of the brilliant move to transfer two Ebola- infected US citizens back here for treatment. Bravo, now we can risk spreading it further, we can risk the lives of others to unrealistically save two doomed people.


Did anyone consider shipping the 'treatments' to the infected area? Let's say we treat these two unfortunates and prolong their lives 5 days of pain and suffering, is that 'do no harm'? Did anyone consider that viruses adapt and mutate? Perhaps and quite likely, as the virus is exposed to different challenges it will respond by mutating perhaps it will prolong its undetected stage thereby increasing the chances of transmission. Perhaps, it will become less virulent but more resilient such that it becomes a major disease so widespread that many suffer for long periods of time. What if it jumps to a new type host here with new fauna or insects? This new vector could further disseminate the disease. Isn't anybody afraid of transmission, dispersion, and escalation? Maybe it will become airborne. Doesn't anybody watch Planet of the Apes?!? There is a reason Hollywood exists, you know.

Sorry but if it was up to me, those with such deadly disease need to be quarantined and if they try to leave, they and the ravages they inadvertently plan on spreading, must be lethally stopped.

Em-Pathetic

In this next article in my ongoing series regarding world support for Hamas in Gaza, I will address why Hamas has been extremely effective in its use of media and why rational people are mobilized to respond to the 'plight' of the Gazans but unmoved by missiles raining down on Israeli civilians. Civilians and children are unfortunate, inevitable, collateral damage of all wars. Every nation knows this and no nation is as careful as Israel in avoiding the unavoidable while at the same time having its own civilian population under constant threat of deadly rockets. So, again, why is the world moved by broadcast images emerging from Gaza but not Israel?




I am struck by the radically different videos coming out of Gaza compared to Israel. From Gaza, images and video purportedly show injured and maimed children or mothers crying out at the devastation around. Contrast this to videos of Israelis in bunkers smiling, taking selfies or groups of soldiers singing am yisrael chai. I am struck by my wife and then by videos of Gazan militants fiercely denouncing "the occupation", the "genocide", "human rights violations", "war crimes," etc. Contrast this with the calm, rational responses of Netanyahu and Israeli spokesmen explaining in intricate detail all of the extreme efforts to avoid hurting non-combatants (yawn).



Again, I have to open my ape-bible to understand human beings. In 'Our Inner Ape', by Frans De Waal, he describes empathy and the empathetic response as "one of the strongest [emotions] there is...stronger than the ape's proverbial desire for bananas." Empathy is the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another- (dictionary.com).



De Waal's writes, "We celebrate rationality, but when push comes to shove we assign it little weight. As any parent who has tried to talk sense into a teenager knows, the persuasive power of logic is surprisingly limited. This is especially true in the moral domain...Moral decision-making is driven by emotions...we are equipped with an internal compass that tells us how we ought to treat others. Rationalizations often come after the fact, when we have already carried out the preordained reactions of our species...Evolution has equipped us with genuinely cooperative impulses and inhibitions against acts that might harm the group on which we depend."



When we see others in pain, we empathetically feel that pain in our gut. Instinctively, immediately, we have sympathy towards the sufferer and desire to offer consolation. We also have strong impulses to then punish the one who inflicted this pain with which we empathize. These tendencies are and were critical for the success of humans (and some other primates) in groups.



Notice the buzz words used by the Gazans already mentioned above. Every single one evokes a visceral response against those who would have the audacity to do such a thing to another human being. Reporters feel empathy and respond with moral indignation in their tone and speech, thereby spreading the empathy globally via their networks. In essence they are unwittingly complicit in a empathy-fest. Yet the rational discourse coming out of Israel explaining, 'they attack Israel with rockets and are committed to the elimination of the Jewish state,' may all be true but that really doesn't strike a cord nearly as deep. Israel needs to show videos of children and old ladies screaming in terror while running for cover as the sirens go off, show the injuries and bodies of people killed by rockets. Their rhetoric must be desperate like that of the Gazans.



Getting the picture yet? Images of pain and suffering coming out of Gaza win de facto. They activate a person's empathetic system immediately. To expect people to start to understand, why, who, context or rationalize is already too late in the process and frankly asking a lot of mere mortals. And that's why every time Israel justifiably wins at war, it really loses as well.

Going Ape-Sh**

I have been trying to understand the overwhelming and vociferous support for Hamas and other radical Islamic jihadists in the face of clear evidence of their outright goals of destroying Israel & western civilization. I could link to articles quoting the Koran or videos of their leadership calling for destruction of the west or videos of Palestinians celebrating the fall of the twin towers or I could show deadly assaults on Christians and churches, but my goal today isn't to establish right and wrong or who started but as I said, to understand WHY the world community backs such vicious violent organizations. For Islamists and antisemites the answer is easy but what about seemingly rational people?




Frans De Waal's book, Our Inner Ape, is a fascinating read on understanding all sorts of emotions, motivations, and actions as manifested in our closest cousins the apes (specifically the chimps and bonobos). In one chapter that dealt with violence and conflict resolution, he describes how a beta will often redirect his own aggression towards a weaker target in hopes that the alpha will join him in a common cause. Although quite bad for the gamma target, the two big dangerous competitors achieve a form of detente. This process is mostly subconscious (just as the guy who was criticized at work takes out his aggression on his wife when he gets home). This is in essence, scapegoating and is very effective in calming tensions among dominants in the hierarchy. De Waal's claims "...scapegoating is one of the most basic, most powerful, least conscious psychological reflexes of the human species..."



I propose the same mechanism is at work here. The world is very much afraid of the alpha, radical Islam, with all the violence it has already perpetrated and continues to espouse. Reflexively, the world supports their activity or in the very least, strongly restrains its criticism in order to appease them and appear as their ally. Wishful thinking and blind delusion drives the world to join in common cause against the gamma, Israel, the scapegoat. In their limited view, as long as Radical Islam is focused on Jews, the betas of the world are safe; tensions between dominants alleviated.



Severely miscalculating the dangers that radical Islam poses for them, the world is swept along blindly. But Radical Islam is very devout and very focused and well armed. They WILL rise to threaten western civilization. They have a goal and are willing to kill and die for it. So if you condone their actions against the Jews or join in scapegoating, don't be surprised when terror spreads beyond Jewish targets to you and your land. And don't be surprised when the doorbell rings signaling it's your turn to be commanded, "Convert or die!"

Lot's Wife A-Salted

Rebecca Goldstein wrote an article, "Looking Back at Lot's Wife." In it she describes her wrestling with the implication of Lot's wife 'punishment.' Is it due to her taking voyeuristic interest in the destruction of others? Was she punished for being skeptical about God's planned destruction and was thus struck down? Was it a lesson to what happens to us when we take stupid, unnecessary risks? Was it nostalgia for loss of the life she knew? None of these provide satisfactory answers why she deserved to die as a pillar of salt.




Rebecca quotes Rabbi David Kimchi (aka Radak) who points out that in Duetoronomy, Moses describes the destruction as sulfur and salt (rather than the sulfur and fire in Genesis). So in Radak's understanding, the land of Sodom was laid waste as sulfur and its people as salt. So in essence, Lot's wife shared a common fate with the Sodomites. This begs the question once again as to why she died.



Rebecca offers a unique perspective, one which spoke to me as a parent (but I can see it having less effect on a non-parent). Recall that Lot had 2 married daughters who remained behind with their husbands who scoffed at the news of impending destruction. So Lot's wife (aka Irit, in legends) is essentially leaving 2 of her 4 daughters behind.



"Irit looked back to see if her two firstborn daughters were following, and she saw that they weren't and what had become of them.

"In such a moment of grief one knows only one desire: to follow after one's child, to experience what she's experienced, to be one with her in every aspect of suffering. Only to be one with her.

"And it was for this desire that Irit was turned into a pillar of salt. She was turned into salt either because God couldn't forgive her for this desire...or because he could."

Birds of a Feather Sacrifice Together

There are only two birds used in sacrifice and always the Tor is mentioned before the bnei yonah. The only exception is by giving birth (in Tazria) where ben yonah is before the tor and even there just when the woman is bringing only one bird.

The quality of the tor as understood by the rabbis is -it mates for life and will not seek out another mate if its dies. The yonah will still return to care for its young if the nest is disturbed (by humans?) They both display exceptional loyalty. That is why these 2 are the only ones allowed as sacrifice.

For all other bird sacrifices, there are 2 birds except by woman who gives birth. She brings a keves and one bird. The torah is showing compassion to the Tor by not making it the bird of choice here because it will end up leaving a mate all alone. (By other sacrifices 2 tors are taken, ostensibly the mated pair).

I told the rabbi that continuing that thought, the yonah goes first to teach the woman who gave birth that no matter what messes with her 'roost' she needs to be there to protect and raise her kids.

With regard to the tor being the lesser of the choices here: In the past infant mortality was high. If the mother takes the attitude of the tor, that everything ends with the loss of the significant other, the mother may choose not to move on nor have other children. The loss should not be an end-all like it is by the tor. So choose to support your family rather than withdrawing from life.

Why Didn't Yosef Send A Message To His Father?

I have to share an excellent dvar torah by R. Yoel Bin-Nun as to why Yosef didn't try to contact his father all the years before his brothers came to Egypt. 

Think about the events in Yosef's life from his perspective alone, without knowing all the other information from the Torah. His father sent him out to the brothers, they tried to kill him, then sold him to slavery. When Yosef didn't come home that night or soon after why didn't his father come looking for him, send word via caravan networks, use his influence to locate him? After years in prison and Egypt, he concluded that his father abandoned him just as earlier relatives abandoned or disowned one of their own. Ishmael was sent away. Yitzchak capitulated to Rivka and chose Yaakov over Esav. Maybe that's how his family worked. 

Yosef named his son Menashe because "God has made me forget (nashani) all my labor and MY FATHER'S HOUSE." After some years of no contact from his father, he assumed he was lost to his father and now he considers his father lost to him, time to move past caring about his father or thinking about him.

It was only after receiving strategic information previously unavailable to him that Yosef realized he had it wrong all these years. Specifically, Yehudah described his fathers words "You know that my wife has bore me two sons. One has left me; I said HE WAS DEVOURED...if you take this son too...you will bring my old age down to She'ol in agony." (Gen 44:24-30) Only NOW does Yosef realize that the reason his father didn't search high and low for him is because he believed Yosef was devoured. Yosef was NOT disowned or disavowed after all!

So Yosef pauses and reflects on his life and who he has become, a leader in Egypt, and then shakes his head, NO!!..."I am Yosef..(I can reclaim my rightful place as a member of Yaakov's family)...Can it be my father is alive??" He has been dead to me all these years based on my incorrect perceptions of the situation, can it be that I was so wrong in my outlook and that he is still MY FATHER and a father to me??!!!??

That blew me away. How often, in life, {as opposed to what? Death?}, do we think we have ascertained another's motives or role? And how long do we suffer from those stories we tell ourselves about what happened and live with this erroneous impression of events? Think about it and next time don't be hasty to judge and open your mind up to alternative possibilities. 

Make Some Midrash Sense

Midrash can be quite odd. One famous midrash I heard as a kid is that Yaakov realized his son Yosef was alive based on seeing the agalot (wagons) that were sent. He reasoned that the last thing Yosef and he were learning before the disappearance was eglah arufah ("Eglah Erufa is an offering made by the elders of a town when a corpse is discovered outside the borders of the municipality. The implication is the Elders and residents are partially responsible because they permitted the victim to leave the town unaccompanied, leaving him vulnerable to highway men."-Dov Bear) Agala and eglah are similar spelling and sound in Hebrew so that must be the connection.

This explanation seemed quite ridiculous to me and far fetched that they were learning such a piece of Torah. And even if they did, what was so special about the eglah law and its relevance to the story of Yosef? It seems to me that much of the intent and lessons of midrash have been lost or due to shift in our consciousness, things that would be obvious to our forefathers are more obscure to us today. But let me propose an interesting thought.

From Yosef's perspective, his father sent him to his brothers that fateful day, his father abandoned him, never sought him out (he didn't know that brothers told father he was killed). Now that his father is to be reunited with his son after so long and after feeling so rejected,  now it's time to send his father a message. Make him understand the residual pain and resentment of feeling cast out.

As is the case by Eglah, the elders who were not directly responsible for the tragedy nonetheless had culpability because they failed to prevent it, so too Yaakov should have intervened in the growing discord between the brothers and Yosef. He publicly denounced Yosef's dreams. He shares some blame for not nipping things in the bud. So perhaps this was a subtle way of telling Yaakov that Yaakov had an element of guilt in leaving him vulnerable. 

As children, we have an idealized visions of our parents and when they let us down, the pain and resentment can simmer for years. But there reaches a point where those feeling must be dealt with, sent out on a wagon, if you will, to cross the expanse that has divided a family. And once shared, closure and reconciliation can follow just as the spirit of Yaakov was revived once he saw the wagon and what it represented. So now the journey towards peace and harmony in the family could begin.

Doctor Sleep

Started new book by Stephen King......oh, baby!

Binding of Isaac - Any Objections??

I can't even begin to tell to how much I love this time of year with these sections of the bible that are rich in stories and deep in meaning but begin I will. We have great shabbat-table conversations arguing and expounding on ideas we grew up with, others we challenge, and new ideas. As I get older, and I seem to be doing that quite well, I have found myself stepping back and looking at the Torah through different lenses, some microscopic and finely focused and others macroscopic, allowing me to look at broader themes, literary style, a more gestaltic view one might say. I definitely don't have it all figured out nor do I believe I ever will but let me share some thoughts regarding the Akedah that I hope you might find compelling.

It seems that quite a few people have a problem with the story of the binding of Isaac story (the Akedah) in the Bible. How could God command child sacrifice and then retract it, even if it was just a test? In a similar vein, what kind of Being sets up Adam and Eve for failure, shows favoritism to Cain with its murderous outcome, and floods an entire world?

  

My premise is based on an idea I heard from R. Slifkin regarding the unfolding of the creation story in Genesis. Briefly, the style used was one that the ancient mind was accustomed to hearing. There were prevalent myths of creation where the world was chaos and then two opposing forces battled and from the ensuing conflict came the birth of the world. The Torah sets up a similar backdrop and then drops the bomb. It begins with a world of chaos and void. The reader/listener expects the familiar story but is surprised by one very unfamiliar and with a very different lesson. The world is NOT a result of violent conflict but rather it is an orderly creation that, in its diversity, it is indeed called, "Good."

So too, by the binding story, the Torah constructs a backdrop familiar to the ancient mind. The assumption was of a world in which children are property of the parent to do with as they pleased. This world, where a deity required sacrifice of a child, was all too familiar back then. Indeed in 2Kings 3:26-27, we see Mesha, king of Moab, sacrificing his own son, first in line for kingship no less, to the gods so that the battle would turn against Israel. There are many other examples of tanach exhorting against child sacrifices. And yet, the Akedah begins with God asking for just that, a sacrifice of the child, Isaac.

The audience is prep-ed to learn about a world in which child sacrifice is the norm and necessary but instead it deviates unexpectedly. We learn that God does not, after all, want one to sacrifice his child. One must be willing to make sacrifices for the family but the family can't be the sacrifice!

It seems to me that God can actually take on a role opposite to what we would expect of our God to arrive at a truth.      

Hmmm, I see you squirming in your chair, face kind of contorting in half acceptance, half ready to start the pyre a-burnin'. So let me use this line of thought to explain another troubling story in Genesis, that of the Flood.

What I find interesting is the almost universal assumption that God's role in any tale of the Bible is one of infallible, unerring intent or action. Yet in the story of Noah, God specifically regrets what he has created, destroys the world, later changes his mind about the appropriate course of punishment for a given circumstance. Perhaps we can learn what a powerful figure should NOT do. Perhaps the unexpected actions of this figure will give us pause to question what is or isn't appropriate. Maybe God is saying if He is big enough to do so, so should we. Perhaps He is teaching us that there are better ways of solving problems than disposing of all past efforts or treating the past as if it didn't exist. The lessons of the Bible are many but less so when we limit the lessons we can learn from the actions of the God/parent/power-figure. 

Regarding Cain, didn't God know it is unwise to play favorites? Perhaps that indeed is one of the lessons, that a person in authority, like a parent, should not play favorites lest trouble ensue. Or perhaps there are times when a person must say no and the lesson we might derive is that how one handles rejection speaks to his nature. Maybe we have to learn how to handle failure and rejection.

I think readers get too caught up in the simple literal story and miss the wonder of it all.

Now whatcha all doing with them there torches....not really carin' for the the rejection I am sensin' now....

Passing On

It was a small service attended only by my son and I. He was the last of three, surviving the longest well past normal life expectancy. The weather had just started to change to autumn with a brisk breeze but somehow still refreshing after a long hot humid summer. The grave was dug hastily in the morning and the body just as hastily covered with only a rock to mark its location. I made sure to bury some victuals for his journey into the world to come. I don't know what possessed me to connect with the ancient traditions of burying objects or food that the deceased may need in the afterlife, but I did. I spoke of how he was loved by us all, especially my son and how he would be missed. He was like family and the parting was painful and laden with tears. We hugged and cried together over Dubby, the last of three hamsters.

 

The night before I returned home to learn that he was bleeding out of one eye and lying on his side. I thought of bringing him to a vet but they would just euthanize him. I stroked his neck and back telling him all will be OK, just find rest and let the pain go. And thank God he died that night so that my kids wouldn't see him suffer excessively.

 

That night I had a dream with Dubby. First he appeared as ill as described and then suddenly he woke up with strength to climb out of his cage, filled with vigor and ready to go. I wonder if some forces exist out there that signify the passing of a soul and I do believe animals do have souls. Was he saying goodbye and letting me know he will be OK out there, no longer confined in body and time to our home? Unbeknownst to me, at 3:15AM my wife woke up to a bright flash. She looked around and there was no rain outside and she wondered if that was Dubby passing.

 

Goodbye dear Dubby thanks for  all the special moments with the kids. We will miss you :(

(for related posts on dreams of animals passing see here).

Ruled By Passion

אל האשה אמר הרבה ארבה עצבונך והרנך בעצב תלדי בנים ואל אישך תשוקתך והוא ימשל בך

To the woman he said,

“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;

with painful labor you will give birth to children.

Your desire will be for your husband,

and he will rule over you.”

Gen 3:16 describes woman's "punishment" of difficult child birth. And her desires would be towards her husband. The last 3 word in Hebrew  "and he will rule over you" have always been interpreted, as far as I have seen and heard, as the husband would dominate the wife. And this verse has been used throughout the generations to assert male domination. Obviously feminists and even modern thinkers find this passage discomforting. And I am sad to report my own efforts in this area are severely lacking.  

My wife and I were discussing Genesis and she flat out translated those last three words differently, the way she had always understood it. The 'he will rule" clause goes upon the word "your desire =תשוקתך" such that a woman is rules by her passions and emotions and that is her lot. 

To support her reading of this clause, she notes that the next chapter by Cain uses the exact same phrase saying that Cain can "rule over it (his desire!)" Gen 4:7 

הלוא אם תיטיב שאת ואם לא תיטיב לפתח חטאת רבץ ואליך תשוקתו ואתה תמשל בו

"But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”

Read the clause as modifying the word preceding it- "(it's) desire." So here is Cain about to commit a crime of murder, he is fuming inside and G-d tries to calm him, warn him, refocus and redirect him away from his intentions to do harm but his emotions overcome his rational thought and even God can't stop him. So instead of ruling his emotions, they ruled him and led him to ruin.

I do believe you got my main point so if you are not interested in grammar skip to last big paragraph.

Now if you want to get technical rather than just enjoy 70 faces of Torah and some homiletics off the cuff, תשוקתך is feminine so it should have said, "והיא תמשל בך" by woman and "ואתה תמשל בה" by Cain. But what then is Cain ruling over? If it is SIN, isn't חטאת also a feminine noun? If so, it should have said, "בה" by Cain regardless!! 

So it seems at this point, grammar isn't totally helpful. And to make matters grammatically worse for my point, consider the following:

Rashi says that חטאת is the name for the יצר הרע who is a masculine being out to mess us up. This accords with Reish Lakish in Sotah 3a who says that "a person does not transgress a sin unless he is invaded by a spirit of insanity". If we agree that there is some outside force, and that force is masculine, then all we have tried to prove falls apart since the masculine conjugations by Cain work out nicely with חטאת as masculine noun. This יצר הרע has HIS sights on you but you could rule over HIM, the  יצר הרע.

But let's use the same logic in another fashion. If we accept that  חטאת is indeed masculine and that it represents the evil inclination, BUT we define that inclination as internal struggles of human desires (A Talmudic source is a Midrash Tanchuma (Breishis 7) re: age when child's yetzer is empowered), we can help my case. Notice, I have equated the יצר הרע with desire (תשוקה). And if we make this essentially all about inner desire (and by extension emotion), then this masculine internal force may take a masculine grammatical roll as in "והוא ימשל" he will rule over Eve! 

Ok, so maybe your not totally buying the grammatical manipulations but I still find the homiletics very satisfying. Especially considering the reality is that people are subject to the human condition  with an inner temptations that have the ability to rule over them but God exhorts us to rule over it! In that vein, this has nothing to do with a man dominating a woman, Eve was made from the side of Adam, they were to be partners walking side by side. God made human "male and female He created them" two complimentary parts. The lesson of Eve's 'curse' was really a lesson in life. In ancient times, the life of a woman was one with difficult childbirth, necessitating reliance upon her husband to support her during pregnancy and child-rearing times. And she would be subject to her emotions. You may have witnesses this. 

That last part certainly endures to this day! And for reminding my wife of this obscure, little-known fact, a slap I did get... 

A Bad Case of the Festschrifts

Did I just hear you say festschrift? If so, STEP AWAY from that book. This is your final warning! For all you regular folk, I am sure I need not remind you the meaning of this malevolent word. To eliminate confusion, a festschrift, is quite simply a book written as tribute to a respected person.

Now why would I be using such potty language as festschrift here on such a respectable venue? I'll tell why. I am here to cry out and save your precious souls from engaging in what clearly must be the work of the devil himself. Let me digress and tell you how this all came about.

I had found the words of the Lord through his modern day prophet or as he is humbly known- Chief Rabbi of the UK R. Jonathan Sacks. I might add that his youtube videos are quite profound and deeply rewarding- so seek and ye shall find the Lords wisdom in his work. I bought R. Sack's Covenant and Conversation which gives Torah for the weekly portion. Three thumbs up. Then I chanced upon a book called Radical Responsibility which had his picture on the cover so I swiped it up only later to realize the folly of my simple ways.

When I began the introduction, I was hexed by the 8-fold mentioning of that accursed word 'festschrift'. Being the responsible reader that I am I looked up the word and realized that R. Sacks did not write this but some other brainiacs from the academia world decided to get their highfalutin philosophical mumbo jumbo printed on the back of R. Sacks. Say it with me kids:WASTE- OF- TIME. There was one good article that unfolded in R. Sacksien style of sensitive reading of the texts to uncover deep truths and meaning (Regarding the story of Achan in the book of Joshua relating to collective responsibility but that's for another time).

Just after completing the book, my father-in-law gave me a book to read. Now I'm-a-gonna give you but one guess which word was in the very first sentence of that book and if you say 'festschrift' I'm-a-gonna knock you between your schrifty eyes but you would be right.

But have I learned my lesson? NO! I read the whole damn thing cramping the whole way. Eliminate me now. There were a few worthy articles but as a whole it should've been relegated to the world of doctoral dissertations and academic research. I need stuff that so inspires me that I would actually want to share it with my wife, my kids, and the one who really has got my backside- my proctologist.

So as per my doctors orders, if you don't want a pain in the ass, flush that festschrift right outta your system.

Now You Sefira, Now You Don't

I have always been dissatisfied with the reasons given for the period of sefira being one of mourning. 12,000 pairs of R. Akiva students died somehow just doesn't seem to cut it. There are many cases of plagues, death and destruction. And the reason for their deaths is even more perplexing - that they didn't honor each other enough. Now that hardly seems like a case deserving of divine capital punishment. Now if you like to justify that logic see this link.

However, if this rational seems somewhat disconcerting see this link to the best understanding I have ever heard. It's an address by Rabbi Sacks for Yom Hazikaron/Yom Haatzmaut that explains sefira from a historical perspective. It is absolutely worth your 15 minutes of time. I can't believe I have lived this long and never had such a basic understanding. (Way to go, yeshiva ed). Sorry there will be no spoiler here- listen to it!

Ok enough time has past so I'll give a condensed answer here:

Igeret Shreera Gaan says they died not of plague but shmadah- persecution.
Gemara often refers to unbearable tragedy and terrible occurrences by alluding obliquely (and always conscious of Roman censors). In Yevamot 62B The death of the students are really referring to crushing of bar kochba rebellion by Hadrian. This was the worst tragedy ever up to that time- even worse than destruction of temples. Roman historian Dodio(?) says 580,000 Jews were killed directly and 985 cities, villages destroyed. This was a holocaust. The mourning during this period is an oblique mourning for that holocaust.

Lesson Jews learned was that twice (great rebellion in 66 leading to temple destruction 70 and 135 bar kochba)- when faced with insurmountable superior force it doesn't pay to fight and lead our people to destruction. Armed resistance lead to disaster. Baba Kama gemara says from day evil (Hadrian) govt arose, by rights they should decree no Jew get married and have children. So much was the despair.

The lose of 12000 pairs of students represent the devastation and almost destruction of Judaism and our people. We mourn their holocaust at this time.

Breaking News

Yep. It's official. I'm engaged. So let me offer an original idea related to the breaking of the glass at the wedding ceremony.

The giving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai has been compared to a wedding, to that of the Jewish people to G-d. R. Shimshon ben Tsadok (Tashbets Katan 465) say, "The general rule is that all the customs regarding the bride and groom are learned from the giving of the Torah, when G-d appeared as the groom before His bride, Israel." Parallels are found between a wedding and Mt. Sinai. Just as Moses acted as an intermediary between G-d and Israel, so too matches are arranged through a shadchan. Just like Torah was given on earth, our territory, so too weddings are made in the bride's hometown. Escorts of the bride and groom carry candles recalling the lightning at Mt. Sinai. The mountain held over their head was like a chuppah while the giving of the Torah was like giving the bride a ring. Even the breaking of the glass is compared to breaking of the tablets.

This last parallel is very odd especially when you think about it. The breaking of tablets was a real low point in the relationship between Jewish people and G-d. G-d was betrayed; He was ready to sever all ties with Jews, in fact to destroy them and find a new partner. How is such a negative thought relevant to a marriage and especially at that pinnacle moment of the marriage ceremony itself?

There is a conceptual link between the two 'breakings' which provides a crucial message to the bride and groom. Most newlyweds or couples contemplating marriage have a very idyllic view of marriage. They won't make the same mistakes as their parents, they never will fight. Divorce is not even in their vocabulary for their idealized, envisioned future. And here they are, looking their best, all eyes on them, the world wishing them well and participating in their special moment. What could ever go wrong?

But there is a lesson. The shattering of the glass is a shattering of that idyllic image of a perfect life together in marriage. There are going to be low points, perhaps betrayals on some level. But look at what happened at Mt Sinai. G-d and the Jewish people were able to eventually overcome that devastating moment. They were able to repair their relationship and declare it eternal. History has shown it to be so.

And if such a tragedy could be overcome, let the newlyweds endeavor not to just give up and abandon their partner, but rather renew their commitment to each other in the face of adversity and then their low points could be surmountable as well!

-All this from a divorced guy ;)
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Birdy, Birdy in the Sky...

It was a clear afternoon, blue sky, with a crisp breeze reminding us that spring is really only a term the calendar keeps religiously. With Passover approaching, our office fridge was being cleaned out and the agonizing decision to dispose of 3-week old food was finally made. Pizza needn't go to waste, I thought. I summoned two office colleagues, Thomas and Jerry to watch a miracle. We stood outside the back of our store where our cars were parked in a small lot. "Watch the miracle as manna shall rain towards the heavens," I declared. Then I threw a small piece of pizza up and out of the blue came a flock of seagulls and other small birds, each one vying for the meal rising up to greet them from below. Today there would be no work, just gather the allotted portion. Tommy threw a piece of pizza and hit a gull as he passed over with a prize already in his mouth. I could swear the gull turned to imprint us in his mind.

With the pizza exhausted, as was my throwing arm, the birds settled into idling mode. They lined our roof and the roof perpendicular to ours. They watched and they plotted. They did not leave for hours.


The next day two gulls appeared at our front window crying out and rapping their beaks on the glass. They must have spotted Tommy working in the lab. The gull with the bruised ego apparently was back and he brought a friend. "Don't mess with us, you flockhole," they threatened. Sure enough those two have been depositing memorabilia of yesterday's feast all over our cars and have begun chewing through Tommy's Sirius radio attachment wire. Hitchcock would’ve been proud.

The Power of Purse-uation

Have you ever wondered why women ask men to hold their purse when they enter the loo? Have you noticed how sheepish, downtrodden, and let's get right to the point, emasculated, a man looks when exposed to the public's scrutinizing eye under such circumstances?

To answer these and other enigmatic questions, we might well start from the following mystery: What do women do when there is no man to hold their purse? Contrary to what any man might imagine, they do not politely ask a stranger, security guard, or passing fellow to be a gent and hold their bag for a bit. What they do will surely surprise you. They take it in with them! But where do they put it, you ask? How do they store it? Surely not on the floor, which is way too unsanitary even without the errant spray of a man? Why, these lone mall-walkers close the door and use the already provided hook to hold their purse, coat, or leashed furry chihuahua!

So why subject a man to this abject torture and humiliation? Plain and simple...she is marking her territory, her man, to let any passing woman know that it's hands off. No oooh-ing, no pursuing and neither shall there be any straying on his part. Notice the shape of the purse. It looks like a lock. She has clamped down upon him and locked him up like a bicycle to a post. The message,"You're mine and you ain't goin' nowheres, baby! There shall be No riding around and certainly NO pursuing today!"

Dressed to Rappel

"Hi my name is Ryan!"

"And my name is Ty! We will be your guides on today's episode of Wilderness Walkway where you get to share our lives living on the edge...of the cliff and sanity! Look Ryan, the veils of morning hazes are parting as we speak, almost in a manner reminiscent of the fabled Red Sea parting."

"Yes, and here comes our first model. Notice his confident, Moses-like stride, as if it is his God-given right to mark this territory. And oh what a mark that would be! Look how well he is selling that outfit. Don't you feel like you just want to run out and buy one?"

"Well, Ryan. I don't think just anyone could get away with that look, it takes a strong personality, poise, confidence, and a great sense of laisse-faire to pull off that look. But my, wouldn't you just love to believe you could?"

"Indeed, Ty, I would. That outfit just screams, "Get out there into the wilderness, into the desert where our forefathers tread; out there, where time seems to stand still and the mystery of the universe is as dark as the coat he is wearing."

"God, Ryan, I wish I knew where you come up with this stuff."

"Ty, here's my shameless plug for Allie, the 'Shiksa with style.' She's my number one go-to for all that is fashion, and, by golly, isn't everything about fashion?"

"True but here this outfit is telling a story. It's the time-old story about conquering your yatzer hara (evil inclination, for all you devil wanna be's) and being prepared for anything. Just look closely at his outfit. Let's begin with the skullcap which keeps his head warm on a brisk fall day, allowing him to enjoy the rich vibrant colors of the fall foliage. It has a fine velvety surface for a pleasurable sensory experience, yet the inner layer is a synthetic design to wick away perspiration under the most extreme conditions.
"Notice his long black coat, definitely appropriate for the season and you really can never go wrong with a wide selection of black. This man has the two essential qualities you would want, style and practicality. Like his multifaceted mind, he has layers. His clothing layers allow him to add or subtract as the weather demands..."

"Er, Ty, have you ever seem him subtract any layers even in the summer?'

"Ryan, you are forgetting that temperature at elevation and in the wilderness can drop quite suddenly even in the summer. I think what you are seeing is a fully prepared wilderness wanderer. Think 40 years of wandering capability built into that outfit."

"I tell you, Ty, I've been thinking about all the great outfits we have seen so far this season here in the great outdoors but this one certainly is my favorite."

"Ryan, I'm not sure I agree with you, don't forget the innovative techno-socks, where our rappeller's socks were enclosed in what looked like regular plastic bags. Now that's ready to wear, easy to obtain from any household kitchen. And remember dry feet are the key to avoiding blisters, fungus and other maladies."

"All true but I consider that a 'fashion Fall-pax' and anyway that was just an accessory, this is the real deal. Have you compared the relationship between the mid-length beard and the mid-leg length of his trench coat? This coat is totally ready-to-wear! Did you recognize the aerodynamics to the break in the cuff of his pants? This man looks like he really enjoys what he is wearing! He is totally dressed to thrill!
"And who could forget the shoes, tough rugged leather, the right size heel and a no-slip tread that not only works on well-polished department store floors but would certainly put Timberland to shame? Notice his finesse doing the three step back, three step forward maneuver, reminiscent of the Shemona Esray prayer or the Penguin Shuffle as we backseat temple goers call it."

"Truly dressed to rappel, the only question remains, "Repel what?"

"Well, look how time has gotten away from us. So as the bunny once said, "That's all, folks!""

"Keep an eye out (not literally) for our next episode where our model discovers that money doesn't grow on trees..."

"This has been your host Ryan, and I am out!"

"It's about time, and til next time, I'm Ty!"

Leak in the Mikva

I knew something was not Kosher when I found myself actually turning the pages of Kashrus Magazine. I noticed an strikingly odd advertisement for a Jewish radio/TV personality. The full page ad touts, "More informative than a trip to the mikva." Now, I'm for all forms of informative radio even though I choose not listen but what exactly is the comparison? And how is the show that-extra-special-something that even mikva information couldn't provide? What on earth is informative about a mikva? Can anybody just show up at the mikva and the librarian-like mikva lady will whip out her card catalog and direct said person to the appropriate reference? Well, I've been trying to get an interview with the mikva lady to delve into those depths but with no success. Apparently things are well covered up even in the mikva.

Was this a feeble attempt at punning whereby 'knowing' a woman in a biblical sense is very intimate knowledge and his program offers intimate knowledge of the issues? Is he implying that he is exceptional at uncovering the issues? Feels like a stretch, even to a punster like me. To be frank, or whomever else you want me to be, it feels like quite an inappropriate use of language in a kosher magazine. I think his advertising agency will be all washed up after this one.

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May We All Be 'Friended' in Lifebook This Year!

Jaws of Life

This holiday be the first on your block to experience the Jaws of Life. An expert crafted, unique design, tailored to allow you to rip away the klipah, outer-coating, that distorted mangled materialistic worldly garment you wear day-in and day-out, to finally rescue and expose your inner divine soul.

You don't need police, firefighters or Tzivos Hashem to show up in your time of need. This prayerbook-sized, hand-held, mind-meld, can-opener for the soul is available to you for a nominal fee. So, you devil you, turn in your horns or shofars and get cranking!

This year, may we all be incised in the Jaws of Life!

Forgiveness Settlement Agency

We will settle your spats, arguments, wrongdoings this holiday for half the tension you normally would experience when you, yourself, directly ask for forgiveness from the offended party. We offer also a discounted 3/4 off any anticipated righteous indignation, and GET THIS, 1/3 the unwanted attitude and 1/4 off the stonewalling or whining. You may find this service especially useful when dealing with ex-spouses or significant others. Imagine no guilt-trips, tears, yelling, withholding basic marital obligations, and the all important passive-aggressive behaviors that usually accompany the smoothing over process. And let's face it, who wants to make all that small talk anyway? Do you really even care about being friends as much as relieving your guilt over an uncomfortable situation?

As for those sins between you and God, we have a service where we will fax the graves of famous arbitrators (whose spirit will surely work on your behalf), as well as, well-know non-Easterly facing walls, with notes detailing your position and why His forgiveness is the only logical choice. For an extra fee it can be voice messaging as well.

Tired of sitting hours in prayers? Well we have pre-recorded prayers that can be placed on you designated chair in your local temple. (James Earl Jones voice-over add 15%). Let's face it, you have no idea what you're saying and God has heard it all before.

Is fasting not your 'thing'? Our stunt doubles are there for you. Trained in self denial (usually previously married men), they will suffer for your sins. (Where have I heard that one before?)

Remember this year, forgiveness can not only be an easy one but it can also be FAST.
Open up your FSA account, today!

Back To School Night-mare

I'm sure I'll be getting notes home as to why my child doesn't have his work done, is unprepared for the test, is so disorganized, is daydreaming in class etc. Mea culpa, lay it on. But first there are a few things I need to bring to the techer's attention (most of whom had the summer off, or in the very least had that option). I would expect that there would be a comprehensive list of school supplies, required for your class, posted well before school started. Instead, I am given a generic list, I somehow find time in my busy schedule to shop (and frankly as a man I resent every second of that experience) only to find out that some items aren't needed. Then comes day two of school and there are more things to buy, different notebooks or folders and you want them by tomorrow. Well it ain't gonna happen so fast. I work til 8pm and cant wait to come home and try to finish all the excess homework that the kids forgot. Shop? No way! I need more advance notice. I have no spouse to run errands while I work (I guess that's really why men marry). So it will have to wait. And why did it have to go down like this in the first place?

I wonder how come I have to go to back to school night (taking off work and losing money that pays for tuition) to find out how the class is run, what color folders gets which course designation, homework policy etc. Shouldn't there be a clearly defined mission statement sent out to the parent at the start of school or earlier? My son was given a 21 question sheet on a book he read that night. OMG. He worked himself silly. Well at back to school night, the teacher said he only has to answer ONE question a week. WELL, HELLO....Do ya think you can write that at the top of the page?!? How can you expect a third grader to get all the particulars straight and even if he does, it isn't clear to me. Tension ensues.

Parenthetically, there is always one helicopter/overachiever parent in the bunch. One woman's God-honest comment: "Do you give extra credit for more homework done?....Frankly I love homework...at least they aren't wasting time...Am I the only parent who likes homework?" Holy Crap on a Popsicle, Batman. I said directly and firmly "Indeed you are." What I wanted to say was, "Shut the hell up, you and people like you are ruining it for the rest of us regular folk who want our children to experience childhood, to run and play and not have ever-looming pressure to do work, to succeed, or to make the parent/teacher happy." Read my post, "Homework, Homewreck" and the book, "The Case Against Homework, and you'll learn some of the real pitfalls of homework and how it destroys the family.

Back to our regularly scheduled rant on back to school night 2010.
On a more positive note, one of the rebbes was asked about homework grading, to which he replied that he uses it as a guide to see where the child is holding and its main purpose is review. He said that he wants the children to develop a love for learning rather than resentment and frustration. I nearly fainted. If he was a missionary, I would've got down on my knees right then and there and converted to whatever he was pushing. Now folks, THAT"S A REAL TEACHER! He gets it, he recognizes that training kids with the skills to succeed must be done through positive means. If a child loves something, he will seek it out and further his knowledge and education but if he resents it, he will shut his mind. It isn't the volume of information that must be absorbed that matters, rather it is the basics, the skills, and the desire that make success attainable.

So cut the homework insanity because frankly I don't want to have to repeat elementary school.
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The Soul-ution

Questions, we will always have. Answers, few and far between. Imagine my surprise when a troubling Mishna in Pirkei Avot was finally explained to me. Pirkei Avot 3:7:'' Rabbi Yaakov would say: One who walks along a road and studies, and interrupts his studying to say, "How beautiful is this tree!", "How beautiful is this ploughed field!"---the Torah considers it as if he had forfeited his life" (forfeits his soul is perhaps more accurate). This statement has bothered me for years, required even more time in therapy than expected. Here is an individual who is admiring the beauty of God's creation, recognizing the handiwork of the Lord and is forfeiting his soul. Aren't there brachot for awesome or beautiful things in nature and isn't it a mitzvah to make a blessing on them? As for the planted field, the man is admiring the works of human's but within the context of the great ability the creator has endowed within humans. So why forfeit his soul? That bothered me. It bothered me more that holier-than-thou's would use this as a basis for not stopping their learning to tend to a crying child, nod to a neighbor hello, or to shy away from any social grace.

Along comes R. Pearl with his penetrating pearls of wisdom and thousands in therapy are saved. What is really happening here in the Mishna? What is it REALLY trying to teach use? Certainly nothing to do with administering a death penalty. A person can see the handiwork of God within nature, he can also find it through recognizing the source of human ingenuity and accomplishment. The problem arises when he chooses to find God through those means INSTEAD of through Torah. Coincident with Torah, is fine, go ahead, admire God's handiwork everywhere. But this man STOPPED learning Torah, chose to find an alternate path to God (it didn't say he resumed learning a minute later). There are many religions, many philosophies, many paths to recognize God but in Judaism, the way to understand God is through learning His Torah. That is our method. To remain a Jewish soul, we must cling to Torah. Sure admire Him elsewhere but remember that giving up the Torah is inevitably forfeiting the Jewish soul.

L'Havdeel

A friend commented that the UN has a gift shop with "gifts from all over the world." Interestingly enough, and of all things, Israel has chosen as its gift, a havdalah set. (So he said). I wonder if they or anyone else recognized the irony. Havdalah is proclamation recognizing that there are distinction and separations. These distinctions yield boundaries between light and dark, holiness and profanity, as well as Israel and the nations. Yet here Israel is, trying to be included as one amongst many (to varying degrees of success or lack thereof), when clearly Israel is distinct and different from the nations. And so the (subconscious?) choice of a Havdalah set, the choice of havdalah, separation, is what is presented as its representative and its gift to the inclusive union of nations. Sing it with me, "Well, isn't it ironic...yeah I really do think."

Things You Don't Want To Hear...

...When You Wake Up From A Wild Night Partying ;)

Seedless Dates

It's sad to say but there are women out there who can't conceive. I can't even imagine how incomplete they feel or how hopeless they feel their prospects are for a shidduch. They may be young and suffered a hysterectomy or older and are menopausal. But whatever the reason, fertility drugs and medical science can never give them a biological child. Sad, indeed.

They are out there, folks. They are probably on all the dating sites or are being set up 'quietly' through matchmakers. What they don't realize is that they can be quite a catch for the right guy. There are divorced guys who have been lucky enough to be blessed with children and would welcome a wife who could also act as a second mother. Maybe she can find some fulfillment of her maternal instincts in that role. Perhaps, these guys don't want another family due to yeshiva tuition costs or worries how half-siblings would get along. Perhaps, they just plain don't want any more kids and these women offer him a chance to find love, happiness and not merge two families with all its potential for conflict (had she herself been divorced with children).

But where could these women be found? I imagine they hide their condition in shame not realizing that it can be a commodity. I think it's time to have a dating site geared for this scenario.

I was discussing this serious topic with friends and wondering what to call such a site. To their credit they came up with Infertile-ster, Seedless Dates, or intoxicatingly enough, Baron Herzog. My profile begins, "SWDM seeking SWF no uterus..."

In GUD We Trust

Suffice it to say, there are many things that one can find undesirable in a mate. In fact, I have been handed entire lists. Add to the list GUD. Different religious values can strain any relationship but not nearly as much as GUD.

Geographically UnDesirable. I can't wrap my head around how people from different time zones or long distances make a relationship work. How do they find time to access each other to the point where they can truly 'get' the person? If they can't access each other often, how do they create new memories together? A relationship can't survive on a few good ole memories alone. How do they assess how the other acts under stress, with friends, family? People can smile, hold their tongue, and cover up as needed in short spurts. Where is the Gestaltic view? How do they build on the foundation of initial attraction? A significant part of that relationship ends up happening in their minds.

When a relationship is new, it is exciting, it sets of a cascade of stimulating hormones that give the brain pleasure (crude jokes, insert here). Over time, the novelty wears off, and one can only hope and pray that the desire for the other remains firm. Often it doesn't and it's time to move on. The problem with the long distancers is that there are repeated times of separation followed by this renewed novelty that can spur the relationship on but once they settle down together, the magic wears off.

I know plenty of people who have crossed borders, gone over to the other side, and have indeed married. Hope they're happy. Feel free to share your story and insight. I'm listening on my crappy bluetooth and poor-reception Sprint phone (which could also strain any relationship).

I've been told that I'm limiting my pool of candidates, which is true but is it so wrong to wish for a few more local divorces to recycle some good people? Let others choose to broaden their horizons. Certainly if you're single, no kids, it could be easier to travel to meet this gem but with kids, yeshiva tuition and a crazy 6-day work-week, I can't even conceptualize how it is feasible to even begin such a relationship let alone sustain it.

So thanks for the set-ups but I'll put my faith in Gud far behind me.
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Investment

No, I'm not asking for, nor is this in any way about, money. Clearly, I'm not the one to give advice about money. Me and money DO NOT get along very well. This here is about emotional investment and some of its pitfalls.

When I went through a semester course in scuba diving, I recall my instructor, Harry, saying that you don't take a $90 hammer down on a challenging dive. The reason being, when fate deals you a bad fin and your oxygen is low, you are going to fixate on the dropped hammer and try to retrieve it rather than save yourself. You are invested in the hammer and it distracts you from clear thinking (although low oxygen shares the blame).

I thought of the lady who jumped onto the tracks to retrieve her gym bag and got herself killed. She was invested and she paid the ultimate price.

What about relationships? Okay, here we go, let's ponga el pie en la boca as we say in Dublin. How many people are in a relationship and coast along because they have emotionally invested in it, convincing themselves that this is right because of x,y,z (and for the record mine is zipped, for now anyway). They delude themselves, try to convince themselves that what they have is really good. Maybe they don't want to hurt and disappoint their partner or they rationalize, otherwise they couldn't face that they wasted years with someone who may be quite nice but not their fillet-of-solemate.

Now if you are reading this and think I wrote this as a not-so-subtle hint to you, you are paranoid, egocentric and absolutely correct! If it hits the spot then the spot must be there. Let the record show that for once in my life I did indeed hit the correct spot.

Now, of course, this isn't entirely fair, seeing as people make all sorts of calculations when deciding to marry someone or remain married or in a relationship. Who am I (Jean Valjean?) to say that this is wrong? Perhaps the conscious decision to commit to someone will lead to a deeper bond and ouila! instant soulmate soup! And, if your ADD mind can recall how this all began, with my warning not to take my advice on money...have you seen my past relationship faux pas?

Captain Hammer's hammer is strapped on and secured, I hereby divest myself of the whole topic.
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Top Notch Sloguns

Can you guess what these are advertising?

Relationship Insight

When a woman who is unattached says to a guy something like, "Hey you can have your pick of anyone here tonight, do you want me to set you up with so-n-so?" or she says, "I think you are a really great guy, I 'd like to fix you up with my friend," be aware there are lines to read between. What she really wants is for you to say, "Oh, that's so nice of you but I'd rather go out with YOU."
I don't speak from self-delusion or visions of grandeur when I can honestly say that every time things like this have happened to me, I later found out that the offerer wanted to be the offer herself. So guys be in tuned (as if that were ever really an option) and gals just say what you mean, it's worth the risk and makes life that much simpler.
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Grand Theft Auto

'A little voice inside my head said don't look back, you can never look back' but that's exactly what I did. And there I found, in the backseat of my lushly upholstered pink Cadillac, next to the fuzzy dice that used to adorn the rear-view mirror, a pair of woman's spectacles. Just in time to avoid my gal-pal sitting on them and finding out if hindsight is truly 20/20. No other garments found and unfortunately no racy story to tell.

HEY, where are y'all going...? Ah, crap, my interest dwindling too....

Apparently, my car has a spectacle fetish. And Lord pity the unsuspecting passenger (or shall I say with Mr. T's intonation, 'pity da fool') that becomes his target. This wasn't the first pair of glasses swiped nor will it be the last. I can't even begin to tell you about the collection of glasses that I have confiscated from this thief in the night, this vagabond on wheels, this rolling perverted Peepers-Tom. Alert local law enforcement, DMV, and the Hellen Keller Society. And for God's sake, invest in contacts or superglue.

I have attempted to return these aids to the visually-, and quite possibly, memory-impaired, to no avail. It occurred to me that this phenomenon may in fact, be part of the age-old ruse where someone would leave a personal item behind in the hopes that the other person would have a pretext to call. Of course, that is a bit of ego talking and a smidge of self-flattery. And IF it is true, why hasn't anyone EVER responded to my inquiries? What really worries me is why, included in my collection, were there unfamiliar MEN's frames? HEY,... don't even go there!

So if I offer you a ride in the backseat of my car, be sure to keep your hands in the window, legs in the air, and specs properly secured...

CASE CLOSED
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Filthy-Rich

{Southern drawl} My momma told me that her own momma used to say that you can find a good man who is rich just as well as one who is poor. {Resume normal vocalizations}To be clear, this was not meant to be passed on to me as such nor was I taking her words literally for me. I wasn't even interpreting it to mean that I can just as easily find a sweet, pretty woman who is also financially stable. Money and I don't seem to get along very well. Like any good mathematician or scientist with conflicting data, I factored it out of my life.

I have had occasion to impart momma's wisdom upon many an unsuspecting female, though. One woman's story, in particular, begins in a quandary. In the midst of turmoil as to whether to walk away from a rich but unattractive man, she was told by her friends that she "would be crazy to do so, she could learn to find him attractive, he is high society, after all." Now all those friends of hers that were looking out for her financial well-being have no concern at all for her emotional well being nor do they have a clue as to what it takes to have a successful relationship. The worst thing of all is that these friends are ruining it for all of us laymen, blue-collar, average Joe's, who are, by our own accounts, nice and good hearted but lacking in that one particular area (no, not that! Unfortunately, no testimonies available upon request).

I felt it was my duty to take the ancient wisdom that I had imprinted upon my brain and reinterpret it in light of more enlightened cultural progress and in the spirit of equality and progressive psychologically sound thinking (stop laughing please). "Friends and family may have aspirations for your acquiring a filthy-rich man," said I, "but sometimes for the sake of sanity and happiness you just have to settle for filthy."

Amplification

There was something that struck me in high school (I said 'something', not 'someone'). I noticed there was more to beauty than actual appearance. Now don't get me wrong, I'm as shallow as the next guy but there are things that can elevate a woman's beauty in the eye of the one who wants to hold her. Certainly, most people are aware that a good personality or better attitude is beneficial. A good smile, friendly affect, perhaps even the ability to flirt can help. Style couldn't hurt, not that I know much about that. What really struck me one evening, at a Bnei Avika shabbaton, was the absolute power of attraction. There was this cute young lady I had my eye on all weekend. Sat night she sat next to me and from the way she looked at me and her body language, it was obvious she was attracted to me. And the effect was such, that I went from just interested to captivated.

Perhaps others have said this or realized this but since I thought of it on my own and this is my site, I will take credit for it. I coined the phrase, "There is nothing more attractive than a woman attracted to you." (I would venture to guess it goes both ways). So when you show interest in a person, take interest in his interests, and your body language, eye contact, head tilt and everything cries out, "I like you, I really, really like you," it amplifies his own positive feelings. So odds are that you're more likely to get a positive response than by playing it cool. Playing it cool, not returning calls in a timely fashion, expecting him to chase all the time, is too much of a pain, entirely frustrating and a turn off. Maybe we had time for that in high school but life is so much simpler when you say what you mean and show how you feel. Take the chance, maybe you'll get hurt but when it finally works (and I believe it WILL increase your chances), it will be all worthwhile.

Guys stop here.
Oh, by the way, did I mention, I'm attracted to you? I just don't know how to show it!
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