It's a raining night. Not too cold.
Tomorrow is Monday. Not sure whether I am Monday blue symptoms as I feel kinda emo suddenly.
No one home as every family member is having their own activity. I own the tv tonight.
Rarely I have the chance to sit on sofa and watching my favorite tv program.
A movie has attracted my attention and I just sit I front of TV until the movie finished.
At last scene, a statement showed : to the one to true to ourselves.
This statement has brought me lots of thoughts. How many items we can true to ourselves and be ourselves?
Many ppl said I am a tough girl, I don't understand in what ways that making myself looked tough.
But I know it.
I looked tough, but I am weak inside.
I looked tough, but I am unhappy inside.
I looked tough, but I am lonely inside.
Tonight, I feel want to be weak. Feel want to be cry. Feel want to be loved by someone.
As simple, as that.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
One year and I'm back
It's been a year that I do not update this space.
Or I should say a space that I share my little secret with myself.
Was working very hard in the past, yes!work very hard to earn money for myself, family and future family.
And today I harvest it.
No doubt, the return in term of money is positive, yet the other return is discouraging.
I felt myself lost my direction to only earn money and forget to enjoy and slow down my footstep. I missed lots of thing and my health (heart) signal me with some symptoms.
I do not have much time to have good communication with parents. Though I reached home early, I tend to keep myself in the room and rest. Honestly, I really feel exhausted with a day of driving, walking with heaviest stuffs, talking. And I just feel tired again to listen my mum or dad complaints each other.
And him, the stress and tension I had make us fell into argument and unhappy situation many times.
We're not happy.
I wish to tell him, I feel it and I know it. The pure love in between us has changed.
I just felt you're scared of me, though you still love me. He never knows my heart is just so pain.
He never knows Even though I am a strong Iron Lady out in the field, when meeting him, I can just happy and satisfy with his warm hug.
I just feel sorry to my parents and him.
I don't expect anyone even you to understand me though how I wish you can.
Today is 1.11.2014 (Sunday).
I was Insomia for about 3weeks plus. I wish I can have a good sleep tonight.
Monday is coming. New day, new hope.
L.O.V.E.
Or I should say a space that I share my little secret with myself.
Was working very hard in the past, yes!work very hard to earn money for myself, family and future family.
And today I harvest it.
No doubt, the return in term of money is positive, yet the other return is discouraging.
I felt myself lost my direction to only earn money and forget to enjoy and slow down my footstep. I missed lots of thing and my health (heart) signal me with some symptoms.
I do not have much time to have good communication with parents. Though I reached home early, I tend to keep myself in the room and rest. Honestly, I really feel exhausted with a day of driving, walking with heaviest stuffs, talking. And I just feel tired again to listen my mum or dad complaints each other.
And him, the stress and tension I had make us fell into argument and unhappy situation many times.
We're not happy.
I wish to tell him, I feel it and I know it. The pure love in between us has changed.
I just felt you're scared of me, though you still love me. He never knows my heart is just so pain.
He never knows Even though I am a strong Iron Lady out in the field, when meeting him, I can just happy and satisfy with his warm hug.
I just feel sorry to my parents and him.
I don't expect anyone even you to understand me though how I wish you can.
Today is 1.11.2014 (Sunday).
I was Insomia for about 3weeks plus. I wish I can have a good sleep tonight.
Monday is coming. New day, new hope.
L.O.V.E.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
stagnant 的阶段
我该怎么形容心中的感受
我的眼神动作 你已不懂
曾经你的手抚慰我的寂寞
曾经你的出现解开我的忧愁
在每一个角落
越来越可望会遇到懂得我的人
却越来越难遇到在我生活之中
我又该怎么形容你给我的感受
不想解释不懂解释 也无所谓
掉入深深的沉默里 没有流泪的勇气
流过的泪已干
我发现我习惯隐藏忧郁
也许是怕泄漏了原因
静静躲藏过 直到心愈合
心中充满太多感慨
无法从新&心再来
心中的火是否还在燃烧
冷静等待结果
就让一颗心去跟随
谁能真懂我让我继续心动
因为我也不懂了我自己
Cheers !!
我的眼神动作 你已不懂
曾经你的手抚慰我的寂寞
曾经你的出现解开我的忧愁
在每一个角落
越来越可望会遇到懂得我的人
却越来越难遇到在我生活之中
我又该怎么形容你给我的感受
不想解释不懂解释 也无所谓
掉入深深的沉默里 没有流泪的勇气
流过的泪已干
我发现我习惯隐藏忧郁
也许是怕泄漏了原因
静静躲藏过 直到心愈合
心中充满太多感慨
无法从新&心再来
心中的火是否还在燃烧
冷静等待结果
就让一颗心去跟随
谁能真懂我让我继续心动
因为我也不懂了我自己
Cheers !!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
坚强
突然，回首过去，发觉我们从懵懂的小孩变成gen Y 的青少年。这一路我们累过，哭过，乐过，痛过，我们真的变了好多。
我长高了；
记忆的回旋是刺痛的，黑夜里的寂月是孤独的。
面对每一件事情的发生，即使年幼的我已有强烈的保护家人的意识。
那个时刻我的心理在想：我要坚强，我一定要坚强，我一定可以做到的。是内心的冲击力迫使我一定要坚强。
因为美好的明天，因为我的坚强可以让身边的人放心，我要改变现状，忘记痛苦的回忆。
说实在地，埋藏在我心里黑暗出的是我的第一次失恋。我不甘被欺骗，不甘剥夺了我初恋开花结果的梦。
我遇见了现在的他。我再一次体会被爱和爱人的感觉。我爱她也爱他的家人。他亦如此。
挚爱的父亲突然离开，留下了他对他的遗憾。不舍。
因为挚爱的父亲的离开，我终于明白为何外表硬汉子的爸爸为何会在大伯的丧礼上留下了男儿泪。从大伯开始生病到住院到病重都是爸爸在一旁协助他与他的家人。不萌而生的兄弟情爱让他心痛得流泪。
看着挚爱流泪无助，我的心很痛。
我讨厌那个时候的自己。我只记得我一个人一步一步地深谷爬上来。但是带着憎恨，埋怨等负面情绪。我选择不免队，不提起的方式。
那个时候，在我心中，哭是懦弱的表现，我是个坚强的女孩，不能随意掉泪。我的外衣从此穿起。
直到我遇见了一个人。一件事。我勇敢地从黑处里掏出这件事来面对。也发觉，曙光咋现。
是他用时间证明他对我的爱，让我慢慢放下以前的不快。
我对他产生亲人的爱也是不萌而生。失去他，我的心也很痛。
那个时刻我的心理在想：我要坚强，我一定要比他坚强，这样我才能撑起他。让他继续欢笑。
我要依然笑着，把最痛苦的事就跟当做什么都没发生吧，就当没这回事，那些痛苦不要表现出来，留在心里让自己默默忍受。
这一次，我又学会了更加坚强，勇敢了。或许，坚强就像是我的战衣，给我一种力量与信心去呵护我爱的人。
我长高了；
记忆的回旋是刺痛的，黑夜里的寂月是孤独的。
面对每一件事情的发生，即使年幼的我已有强烈的保护家人的意识。
那个时刻我的心理在想：我要坚强，我一定要坚强，我一定可以做到的。是内心的冲击力迫使我一定要坚强。
因为美好的明天，因为我的坚强可以让身边的人放心，我要改变现状，忘记痛苦的回忆。
说实在地，埋藏在我心里黑暗出的是我的第一次失恋。我不甘被欺骗，不甘剥夺了我初恋开花结果的梦。
我遇见了现在的他。我再一次体会被爱和爱人的感觉。我爱她也爱他的家人。他亦如此。
挚爱的父亲突然离开，留下了他对他的遗憾。不舍。
因为挚爱的父亲的离开，我终于明白为何外表硬汉子的爸爸为何会在大伯的丧礼上留下了男儿泪。从大伯开始生病到住院到病重都是爸爸在一旁协助他与他的家人。不萌而生的兄弟情爱让他心痛得流泪。
看着挚爱流泪无助，我的心很痛。
我讨厌那个时候的自己。我只记得我一个人一步一步地深谷爬上来。但是带着憎恨，埋怨等负面情绪。我选择不免队，不提起的方式。
那个时候，在我心中，哭是懦弱的表现，我是个坚强的女孩，不能随意掉泪。我的外衣从此穿起。
直到我遇见了一个人。一件事。我勇敢地从黑处里掏出这件事来面对。也发觉，曙光咋现。
是他用时间证明他对我的爱，让我慢慢放下以前的不快。
我对他产生亲人的爱也是不萌而生。失去他，我的心也很痛。
那个时刻我的心理在想：我要坚强，我一定要比他坚强，这样我才能撑起他。让他继续欢笑。
我要依然笑着，把最痛苦的事就跟当做什么都没发生吧，就当没这回事，那些痛苦不要表现出来，留在心里让自己默默忍受。
这一次，我又学会了更加坚强，勇敢了。或许，坚强就像是我的战衣，给我一种力量与信心去呵护我爱的人。
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Things lost.Keep in mind
is glad that I back to here.my small world.
I found myself getting lazy to express out my thought and feelings by words. I tend to keep inside my mind and just speak to myself.
Don't worry, I yet to get psychology problem.
Things changed every second. Life moves on everyday. Things happened in a second and you may lost it forever.
I become more mature right now and I do feel so.
I know I always need to stand strongly to support my beloved people.
I can only allow myself to feel down and sad for a short period. because there are plenty of things waiting me to complete.
Only when I stand strong, I can bring happiness, smile to you all.
I fell down and I wake up.
I know my heart will has a scar that could not be removed. Things seem like just happened yesterday and I still feel it.
I know time is the best medication but I also aware things lost, forever, i can only keep in my mind.
Cheers! Life moves on!
I found myself getting lazy to express out my thought and feelings by words. I tend to keep inside my mind and just speak to myself.
Don't worry, I yet to get psychology problem.
Things changed every second. Life moves on everyday. Things happened in a second and you may lost it forever.
I become more mature right now and I do feel so.
I know I always need to stand strongly to support my beloved people.
I can only allow myself to feel down and sad for a short period. because there are plenty of things waiting me to complete.
Only when I stand strong, I can bring happiness, smile to you all.
I fell down and I wake up.
I know my heart will has a scar that could not be removed. Things seem like just happened yesterday and I still feel it.
I know time is the best medication but I also aware things lost, forever, i can only keep in my mind.
Cheers! Life moves on!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
oh yeah!
好久都没有进来我的部落了，已近乎四个月。我不是离节了而是日常生活把我的习惯改了。
好久没写部落格了，有点生疏。不知道该用什么样的标题来描述我的故事，只知道那霎那，oh yeah 这两个字不断出现在我脑海里。
其次，再一次进来这里的感觉真好。所以，oh yeah!!
明天就要动手术了。。。
23/7/2013 早上，冲凉准备去上班的时候，突然发现左胸疼痛，稍微检查了一下发现有一粒小小圆圆的东西在里面。当下，我吓到了。但我依然当作没事一样照常去上班。上班期间，它隐隐作痛。我持续置之不理。
24/7/2013， 我不想再拖了。决定去看医生。医生的诊断是那是一颗瘤。好消息是那是会移动的瘤，所以是良性的。这种病成为Fibroadenoma 或者fibrocystic disease. 肿瘤有2cm酱大。医生叫我选定日期要把我refer 给专科医院动手术移除它。基本上，这只会是一个小手术。那一天，我心不在焉的上班。我淡定地告诉妈妈男友。在心里，我是真得很怕。
上网稍微看了这一个疾病的资料，Fibroadenoma is the most common benign tumor of the breast. They are are sometimes called breast mice or a breast mouse owing to their high mobility in the breast. The typical case is the presence of a painless, firm, solitary, mobile, slowly growing lump in the breast of a woman of child-bearing years. This is commonly happened at the younger age woman. Self examination is important for woman.
(article from wikipedia)
回去想了一天，把自己的工作安排了一下。决定趁星期五是假期，settle这一切。有着2cm的东西在我的胸部，是精神上的折磨。
26/7/2013，拿了referred letter, 就往metro hospital 驶去。一路上，我突然有所感慨。
我长大了，面对这样女人的疾病，我淡然的一个人去见医生和安排手术时间。没有尴尬，没有害羞。因为我知道我必须要去面对。在医院，我做了ultrasound.
医生说我的左胸除了有一粒肉瘤，也有2粒水流，右胸也有一粒水流。OH yeah!
怎么这么多啊？
我赶紧敲定了手术的日期，不想再拖了！
回想起一年前因为盲肠炎的关系，才进医院。这一次又因割除手术而要进院，我很无奈。
我很害怕护士要在我的手上插针筒，我讨厌有东西在我皮肤低下。很恶心。
我很害怕一个人进手术室，要自己爬上手术台。那种感觉很害怕。
但是我还是在安慰自己啦，小手术而已，Oh yeah 啦！！
今晚12点后要puasa 了，因为明天28/7/2013 早上9点就要报到了。
加油！熬一下就过去了。
oh yeah!!!!
好久没写部落格了，有点生疏。不知道该用什么样的标题来描述我的故事，只知道那霎那，oh yeah 这两个字不断出现在我脑海里。
其次，再一次进来这里的感觉真好。所以，oh yeah!!
明天就要动手术了。。。
23/7/2013 早上，冲凉准备去上班的时候，突然发现左胸疼痛，稍微检查了一下发现有一粒小小圆圆的东西在里面。当下，我吓到了。但我依然当作没事一样照常去上班。上班期间，它隐隐作痛。我持续置之不理。
24/7/2013， 我不想再拖了。决定去看医生。医生的诊断是那是一颗瘤。好消息是那是会移动的瘤，所以是良性的。这种病成为Fibroadenoma 或者fibrocystic disease. 肿瘤有2cm酱大。医生叫我选定日期要把我refer 给专科医院动手术移除它。基本上，这只会是一个小手术。那一天，我心不在焉的上班。我淡定地告诉妈妈男友。在心里，我是真得很怕。
上网稍微看了这一个疾病的资料，Fibroadenoma is the most common benign tumor of the breast. They are are sometimes called breast mice or a breast mouse owing to their high mobility in the breast. The typical case is the presence of a painless, firm, solitary, mobile, slowly growing lump in the breast of a woman of child-bearing years. This is commonly happened at the younger age woman. Self examination is important for woman.
(article from wikipedia)
回去想了一天，把自己的工作安排了一下。决定趁星期五是假期，settle这一切。有着2cm的东西在我的胸部，是精神上的折磨。
26/7/2013，拿了referred letter, 就往metro hospital 驶去。一路上，我突然有所感慨。
我长大了，面对这样女人的疾病，我淡然的一个人去见医生和安排手术时间。没有尴尬，没有害羞。因为我知道我必须要去面对。在医院，我做了ultrasound.
医生说我的左胸除了有一粒肉瘤，也有2粒水流，右胸也有一粒水流。OH yeah!
怎么这么多啊？
我赶紧敲定了手术的日期，不想再拖了！
回想起一年前因为盲肠炎的关系，才进医院。这一次又因割除手术而要进院，我很无奈。
我很害怕护士要在我的手上插针筒，我讨厌有东西在我皮肤低下。很恶心。
我很害怕一个人进手术室，要自己爬上手术台。那种感觉很害怕。
但是我还是在安慰自己啦，小手术而已，Oh yeah 啦！！
今晚12点后要puasa 了，因为明天28/7/2013 早上9点就要报到了。
加油！熬一下就过去了。
oh yeah!!!!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
没有选择下的follow
我在没有选择之下,不断的follow.
我有给予我的understanding.但我发觉，当我只是follow的时候,你已经没有从我的角度去关心我的feelings了。
你并没有发觉，我的沉默意味着我的无奈。
你并没有留意，我的不闻不问意味着我的失望。
我明白，你也许会觉得：如果你了解了我，那谁会去了解你?
就因为这样，我选择了放弃，默默跟随。
但是，跟随久了。我累了。
我自问我也没有很完美。但是，我只是想要一位女生应拥有的感觉。体贴。
你看到我孤单影子下的话吗？
我有给予我的understanding.但我发觉，当我只是follow的时候,你已经没有从我的角度去关心我的feelings了。
你并没有发觉，我的沉默意味着我的无奈。
你并没有留意，我的不闻不问意味着我的失望。
我明白，你也许会觉得：如果你了解了我，那谁会去了解你?
就因为这样，我选择了放弃，默默跟随。
但是，跟随久了。我累了。
我自问我也没有很完美。但是，我只是想要一位女生应拥有的感觉。体贴。
你看到我孤单影子下的话吗？
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)