Mercury retrograde

The first round of mercury retrograde is finally over.

I got pushed out of my comfort zone to some, or more like many uncomfortable situations which had to happen.

Adulting is real, and the clarity in my mind is back.

Setting some goals before the year fly by me again, and for the first time in my life after a long time, I finally feel like I can stick to them.

I must always remember that being kind and being influenced by others can sometimes look like they’re the same things, but they aren’t.

And I must always, always, stand on my own two feet.

With God, with me. Always.

2020

Stepping into 2020, I feel like this fog that was clouding my mind (for the longest time) cleared. I see things with such clarity, it felt like I awoke from a slumber. A decade long slumber, or maybe even more

Things happen at different times of our lives for a reason. Maybe I wasn’t ready to see the world as what it is, maybe I wasn’t allowing myself to grow up, maybe I was too afraid, or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

Mercury retrograde has me crumbling, bit by bit.
Communications,
perceptions,
frequencies,
all messed up.

As I grow older I resist changes more and more. I’m trying to adapt as things come, trying to become who I was before, never afraid of what’s coming, never afraid of tackling things as they come.

That’s who I used to be. And I was so much happier then.

But I guess adulting is hard, for everyone. We grow jaded, numbed, we got used to how things are, and we just refuse to budge our ass.

I only pray for God to be with me, let me be fearless with Him being my central pillar.

Help me, Lord.

I don't feel great today.

And I can't breathe.

***

On my ride to work I spent time just... thinking. Thinking about where I am, how I got here. And how much of myself I've lost along the way, or how much change has happened to me.

I made the mistake of sharing and tearing open an old wound to a colleague yesterday.

And I feel so vulnerable, at the same time guilty for making her go through that because she's a Pisces.


I am tired of feeling like a marshmallow.

Because I am nothing like that.

Where did all my strength go?


***


It's the last 40+ days of the year. I want to get back to my frequency, my OWN frequency. Not the frequency that I've bowed down to, moulded myself into.

I'm tired of hearing how people do things, because it's none of my fucking business. And I honestly don't give a fuck

Helplessness is something I don't ever want to feel again.


I need to get back to my Saviour. He's all I know I need.

What do you call this feeling?

Can't quite put into words how I'm feeling these days

Frustration
Anxiety
Stress
Confusion

In summary: I'm a mess.


***

All I want is to be alone. I take so much comfort in being alone, and maybe this whole period of babysitting has been taking a toll on me.

We depend so much on others sometimes that we become vulnerable, and I've always hated that since young. Am thankful for all the letdowns in my teens because I grew up to be stronger than I thought I would ever be.

Everything happens for a reason. Maybe I grew up this way so that I can protect the people I love, because they need protection. I just need to remind myself that despite this strength, I need to always remember to be kind. Sometimes I come across so harsh I wish I can take back what I said, but I can't. Because I still mean what I say, I just wish I can bring it across in a softer manner.

***

I wish for so many things, but life can be so difficult sometimes.

Closing your heart, my heart

Can you still remember
how it feels
to be in love

Can you still remember
how we are
when we are in love

When your mind is clear

When your heart just breaks

What do you do?

Dreams / Gratitude

I had a really intense dream last night, of an old wound that still bites when my amygdala goes into overdrive - something that happens often when I go into REM sleep

Thankfully that wound is not present anymore, just that I always need more time to.. re-orientate myself to the present when I wake

Okay writing that down relieves me, in some way

***

On a side note I'm still reeling with gratitude for having a partner who doesn't mind sharing everything with me, even his hard-earned bonuses just because I'm not doing that great right now. And for being supportive in letting me learn a new craft even though it means more stress on him during this period of time when we're saving up for a new home and our envisioned dream wedding.

Thank you for being my biggest motivation to do well

And thank You Lord, for always giving me the good in life.

I've had ups and downs, and most of the time felt out of place in every chapter of my life but You've always been my Cornerstone, and You've always sent me angels to hold on to me no matter what.

And for that I'm extremely grateful

Thank You for loving me, so much, to let so many others love me too when I don't deserve any of this.

I love You Jesus. Thank You <3

Thank You

When life hurts so deeply nothing seems to matter


Thank You for loving me despite my most raw emotions Jesus.
Thank You for comforting me and letting me know You love me.
Thank You for surrounding me with people who love me and who try their all just to make me feel better.

My heart is full, and I am so grateful.

Thank You for loving me Jesus.

<3