wish item 1

cindy's gonna give herself a present SOON :)))))))))

sony walkman W series mp3 player NWZ-W202

hahahahhaa
running with the damn viewty in my hand is damn irritating

laa dee dum. ipods can wait. this thing has 2gb memory and it's ONLY 35g .plus wireless headphones with the music playback controlled by the headphone itself :)))))))))

YUMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYLICOUS

the never ending life battle.
to make you proud of me

regardless of lost memories of me

she may question my direction.but since when was the way clear.the only thing i can do now.is to run as fast as i can in my chosen direction and hope for the best.
wavering with unending doubts makes anger boil within me.the fear brings about anger.

my life is burning as we speak
its like i'm in a mine.with limited oxygen left.
and the routes infront of me have no clear sign to happiness

i don't want to stay at the crossroads thinking, fretting pondering any longer.
i already wasted 4 years doing that. even if i ponder more.i know the future will still be uncertain.you never know until you try is what i've learnt from life.i never knew i could do art until i tried.i never knew i hated accounting until i tried.i never knew loving hurts so madly until i loved her.i never knew i loved my brother so much until i missed him when he went abroad.

i want to decide on something fast and run with all my might.its not the brightest way to do things and i may end up with nothing.but for now.it is the only option i have.

you forcing your wishes on me just makes me so tired,so angry and so reminded of the past when i blindly listened to yours and dad's wishes. and when dad left his memory to the past i was all alone to fight the battles.you have no idea how lonely i felt with the stares on my back in the banks.how i wished i had someone to talk to at home about it.how much i wanted advice.

i really would love to walk the same path he did. i love the banking industry.with office politics which brings about civilised boardroom fights.with sales in credit cards and loans and the risks involved.
but i really really really can't do it well as much i like it.why can't you understand FOR ONCE.

let me run.before i get suffocated with your desires and dreams.
let me run before the guilt consumes me
let me run before my fear for the future compresses me until i can barely take a step without clenching my fist.
let me run towards my chosen route to happiness.

before the oxygen runs out.

why is cindy devouring choco kisses?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why did the numbers jump from 47-49?

WTHHHHHH
bro is coming back soon
n i'm gonna FILL up my GRAD GOWN at the insaneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee rate i'm swallowing sugaries

kk.
swim
gym
carbo slashes
and vege fests are UP NEXT

dear god pls protect me from my bro when he gets back
i SOOOOOOOOOOOO dun wanna have crazy runs to and ARD parks and bun bans :(((

.

understatement of the year

cindy is having a bad day

saw someone at school twice, which in turn reminded me of someone else.both of which make me hotter than the scorching sun.

the robe ppl were not the most fucking awesome bunch of service personnel either.

the weather was sucky

the vivo outing was super taxing to my patience

waking up in the morning only to be rushed to get ready in 20 min is not funny either.

i only get seriously pissed off 1/2 times a year.

today-i'm really fired up

so don't jab me .i will bite hard

k.....................
today.abt 7km?
yup.....4 plus km in the gym

the rest was when jae n i went to cold storage and when i wanted to walk home after dinner

as u can see.everydays either at work/going out/cooking/running
i am doing everything right.......right?

doing lots and lots of things back to back
leaves u no time to be emo
leaves u no time to think abt nasty dates and blood
leaves u no energy to have nasty dreams.or even dream at all

downside?
i'm mentally and physically tired just abit tired
lol
happily sprained my back
WOOHOO
but nothing serious!
lol

hearing comments in a lighthearted manner is funny
reading words.letter by letter.is different

words

that aside.................
the day is coming..........i got to get over the phobia
otherwise.........camping there wld be impossible

more than a decade of friendship

today....
found out.......13-14th....dad's operation
12th-grad day


it'll be alright
and i'll be fine

went to dempsey with markie at 3pm
lol

was online ard 2.n we suddenly decided it was time to get some oxygen in the system.(sq shud know what i mean)

very healthy 4 scoops of ice cream and caramel with choco-ben & jerry's

and super nutritional deep fried calamari with fries and deep fried prawn and chicken-dome
:))))))))))))


spending time with him
made me feel much more at ease
no awkward silence

we din talk continuously
din have to

the silence we had, staring into space
made me at ease.

sharing our stories
eating
swinging
staring at weird ppl at the cafe
laughing
talking
walking around , checking out furniture shops

even the afternoon scorching sun din spoil our mood

if i go to australia
i'll really miss our abrupt meet ups

more than a decade has past since i've known him

the bestie who has always stood by me through my good times and bad
withstood my nonsense and tears
listened to my repeated mistakes
and accept me for the dunce i am

i sound super sappy now
but
i want to record everything down for future purpose
when times are bad
and hope is bleak

this post will remind me
of the someone who was there all along
and i was never alone
:)

outings

k i watched confessions of a shopaholic-yawn yucks fest
taken-totally "not scary" thanks to fahmy & ian's arms and my large hands
fast furious-hot girls what's not to like?

with jae
fahmy junxi ian

yerppppppp

had a random party with weisheng, ken,leepeng,jae at the pool
cooked jap curry,cheesy ham omlettes and rice kripies w/ vanilla essence and marshmellows

went out with alex

went to the lib......and totally fell asleep after reading some mkting book for 5 min......

spending time at home
facebooking
reading the newspaper
jogging
volunteer work

doing things i've always wanted to do

projects up next
-finding a damn job
-car license
-getting a new laptop
-signing up for violin lessons!!!!!!!!
-reading more books on mkting, finance,classics
-walking ard the diff galleries

lesson of the month

ignore

always


denial is always safer

don't be a smartypants hero who dives into abrupt decisions

above all stay calm and collected at all times

someone pls ram these impt pieces of advice into my head NOW!

binge

hopefully he'll know that its time to back off

grad day decisions,operation,uni,damn exs

are seriously making me stressed up
although i prefer to make myself busy rather than be an emo 16 ear old kid

they still weigh me down
and it shows since i've been eating as though my tummy is an endless pit

doing what i can everyday to breeze past the 24 hours

could use a good hug and a warm large hand grip and a voice to tell me
hey it's going to be alright and i'll make sure things will be fine

but that only happens in fairy tales and warped hollywood shows

so cindy's going to try to be buffgirl :)))))))))))

WHY SCARED

sessions

i guess the sessions with her
made me a more open person

more willing the share deeper into the surface

but the fear these days has been increasing
with memories of the past flooding in
i guess its better to keep somethings in as always.

these past few days.gave me time to calm down and breathe without guilt
and i thank you for giving me this peace
i won't run away permanently from reality

i just want to enjoy my youth
spending time with my family
chatting with the ladies at the home
going out with friends on impromptu dates which need no explanation or planning
lazing at home alone

but the peace as usual was short lived
and i realise soon there's going to be another surgery
at the hospital,
the memories of staying overnight at sgh came rushing back again and again.
the nurses rushing about
the doctors with tired smiles
the grim looks of relatives
the blood on the sheets
the blood in the tubes
the maze of tubes on patients
the wheelchairs
the never ending rows of beds
the plastic fake rubber yellowish sofas
the squeaky sounds they emit when you squirm on them
the family members texting rapidly on their handphones with tired, worried,frazzled expressions on their faces.
the sickening smell of alcohol,blood and detol in the air.
it stays on your clothes the whole day, on your hair, the stench cloyingly clinging on to your skin.your nostrils filled with it

but i think, this time around i will be ready to go through the motions.
i will be ready
i will not fret, worry, be emotional or be weak.
i am ready
i did this before
it's not my first
i'm 21
i'm strong willed
i'm a buff girl
i can take this without bro ard
i will be okay
and mom will be okay
and dad will be safe

everything will be just fine

14/4/09

junxi's bdae at aloha loyang

was

GREAT!!!!!!!!!!
hahahahhahaa
went there after WORK :))))))))
and saw food

and like bought doughnuts with yi huey and ian and fahmy

they were soooooo pretty
and tasted sooooooo yummy .so i had 3
:)))))))
then attacked the tom yum rice and noodles and fried rice


and of course the sausages n fish balls and curry and those deep fried stuff they usually have
and squid
and like............jelly!
omg the jelly was nice!
and the coconut and chestnut with pandan leaf yummy desert and the tapioca cake and the other jelly?
yeah
and yup
5 servings of rice and one serving of noodles.....

oh n dun forget doughnuts in btw!

washed down with icy chrysanthemum on a hot day

with rides!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha

n saw wan ting...n yi huey came!!!!!
and 3 of us were gd girls
so we went home on the last bus.
yup

and alvin wacked me on my arm repeatedly.....random but true.......it din hurt much though.

n doughnuts are nice

n cindy is sleepy now.and can't remember much.
but it was a gd day. in summary.
yup
n talking with fahmy n ian was nice

n walking in the pool with the stars alone was nice too
and seeing yi huey and fahmy dance parapara was cute

and everyone was happy and hyper........ :))))

its good to be young.

walking

going for a walk to clear the mind.

i hate uncertainty.

i fear the future

won't dad come back to listen to me

going insane

for the past week weeks

every sight, smell,touch, feeling, colour has been saturated.

all contrasts enlarged

from elation to guilt to a brief calm matured sensible denial back to confusion

with every image seemingly detaching from the already patched shuffled distorted base of worries and illusions and just flying over and over and over my mind repeatedly. only taking a rest back into the patchwork when another image chooses to be the next repetitively repulsive highlight in my mind.

the different images of the pasts, the different levels and types of burning sensation i felt then is relived concurrently, each heightened by the last.

with every relieved brief pause i take is soon wiped clean by another action, person, word which takes me back again.

its been 1/5 of a century and now all my deeds and past indifference are rushing to corner me.

regret is something i want now.but all i feel is the wretched feeling you have when you've just been thrown off the cliff. when you stare below seeing the near consequences and yet not being able to cling on to any hope any regret.and all you can do is think of past memories.

2009's cindy suddenly feels older than what she always assumed she was