our happiness

:)
everything's been resolved.
really relieved that u're so happy now.

i'm abit sad.in a normal way though.
but i feel.so very relieved.

and now.i really can start a fresh new chapter.

Melbourne gave me tears,fears and above all, hope.

i entered with fear,progressed with hesitation but the bravery and support from friends made it worth while.

2010 is going to start and Cindy can't wait to face new challenges with "zeal and zest"(lol crescent school song)

life really throws so many experiences at you.and one does collect many memories.
having idealised memories does bring a smile when one thinks of the happy past.but in a way i know it deters me from having a clearer view of the present and an unrealistic expectation for the future.

my dad had always told me pride, determination and discipline are the most important values in life.

everything in life happens for a purpose.
dad's collapse taught me how everything lasts only for a moment.I have learnt to live in the moment and have stopped my long habit of just taking things at face value. striving harder and harder to ensure i am doing my best,does bring sweat,fatigue and the temptation to give up.but i hope with his words in mind, i wil not let him and myself down.

bro's incident taught me how.
if you really love a person, you should let them go and yes you'll be sad.but you'll be a better man after you stand up and lead life your way.

my relationships this year showed me.
youth is an excuse for stupidity. but knowledge attained with adulthood brings your values into play, one must always think of all parties involved before jumping into decisions. love is only sweet when one knows who they are and what they really want out of life.

forgiveness from loved ones.
taught me how silly i am and how lucky i am to meet these people.

friends and their experiences and patience.
gave me so much support and confidence to step out of lonely holes and to lead life the way i'm proud to be.

2010 brings in a whole new chapter.
I know I can make my life happier or I can choose to live in the idealised past and not bother to look ahead.

Life seems so short and the things I want to learn and experience (bungee jumping,para gliding,lion watching,boxing,skating,flower arrangement,international volunteer work, working, to really fall in love,etc) makes me a LITTLE bit fearful of the future but overwhelmingly excited of the endless possibilities I can control and do my best in.

I love what I have now.
and as always.Regret is for others and not me as life is short and I'm too impatient.lol

2010,will begin.and this blog with its many chapters will end here.

Cheers' to all my old memories.THE END

my thoughts for you

i'm really tired.
i dunnoe if u will read this post.
dun wanna think of that for the moment.

but

i keep thinking of you.
even when im with the guy i met in melbourne
i think of you.
n i feel sick with myself for doing that
i even told him what i feel abt u.


i thought of u until sleep fails me.
5am sleeps
tearing
cause im frustrated

i contacted you a few times to meet up.
but after at the 3rd msg.i kinda get your pt.
u do not want to meet me.
at 1st i was upset.
then i realise i have no right to be upset.u're being human
and me msging you probably brings back super bad memories to you.

i know i should not have hurt u in the past so badly

i did not leave you for him
i left you cause as usual.cindy did not know what she wanted and therefore just had the fuck it mentality which selfishly ruined everything.

but i should not have left you and then date so fast.
time cannot be reversed and what's done is done.


and now.the crappy feeling is because everywhere reminds me of u.
mac ritchie. np.walks home.
every fucking thing.
retribution is the only word on my mind recently.

love was such an unlikely thing in the past, that i dismissed the thought and chose to be the number one bitch.

im really glad you seemed to move on and is leading a happier life
as shown on facebook.
and i know
patching is out of the question
because we were great together.
so great that i kept running away.
kept pushing you away when we were tgt.

i hurt you twice.
i even bit the hand which loved me so much.
let you down when u needed the most reassurance.

and gave u so much hope and left u the next moment
and gave u so much doubt when we were tgt.

i hope.
i made you smile with my surprise visits.
just like how your roses made me smile.

i hope i gave you strength.
just like how you did when dad collapsed.

i hope
you were happy with me.
just like how you made me happy on every date we had in the past.

i hope
that after being with such a shitty gf
u'll be blessed with a great gf
who can appreciate you and love you so veryvery much
and who can understand your moods and actions
and not doubt the future.

i know i said sorry one too many times.
so now.
i'll only say.
thank you.

you really gave me more support than any other living person on this earth.
you loved me more than anyone else.
you cared and gave me your all.
and till this day.
i don't regret being your gf for those 1 year plus we were tgt.
because the days we had tgt or apart even with the mas selamat/overseas training/ndp/confinement............you were a great bf.
and the girl who's going to be your gf........is going to be one fucking lucky girl.

everything was my fault.
but please hate me for a short while. i hope with time, when we see each other on the streets, we'll be able to smile and sincerely ask abt each other's lives while wishing the other all the best.

study hard and play hard :)
wishing you all the best

cheers mate.

blogging at 4:09am

kaes updates
exams are over.
so today or rather just now i baked.
then since tml im going for a RATHER impromtu roadtrip (a one day affair)
cal jo and sarah + me made sandwiches
yurp

roadtrip ppl
-sarah(the organiser)
-bee hiang(sarah's friend
-aaron-bh's bro
-jo
-eugene(jo's bf)
-sam(neighbour in cs)
-cal(neighbour in cs)
-me
-yue(sarah,jo,cal,eugene's classmate)
-stanley(sarah,jo,cal,eugene's classmate)

k if all goes well.
i'll be in the car with mr cat.
no need to make new friends.
sleep,eat
stare at great ocean road scenic venues

and clear my mind of the sickening feeling or WHAT IF's

i hate it when i think it maybe so.
i rather live in complete ignorance.

mr cat is the only one who's really here for me for all the good times and the bad.
cause not everything can be said and understood.

but he knows

what is important to me.
what i really meant
and how i really feel.

meow.
i've got a week's worth of cindy time to spend before i go back to singapore.

i really loved the times we had
and memories of hurting you
really makes the acid in my chest increase.

for all those times
sorry is never enough.

but time will heal all
right?

love,like,lust is cheap.
fickle is the 'ever-black' mode

to think,guess,feel.
seems so much scarier.

i'm not an anchor to your insecurities
neither am i a replacement
i'm not the contrasting object of your rotten memories.

so view me as a single entity
and i will treat you with that much respect,accordingly.

:)

k.finally finished my papers
i probably failed one or 2 of them.
good game.

oh well going to relax while i can.

just wanna fly home.
will update more soon
too tired
its like 618am now
just watched silent hill and made pancakes.
shit.
really need to burn the 5kg.
i look like a BALL
:Dand i feel damn unhealthy too.
tml's quite packed.
gtg to the bank and all.
but i guess things will work out asap. :D

for now.
i just wanna rest my mind

be a friend okay?
don't think too much into things please.

just abit more!

studied at baillieu lib today.
:)
just abit more.
supposed to continue mugging.
but im taking a really long break instead.

next will be math then dinner?
then marketing note making

just abit more cindy!

the ob exam gave me ABIT more confidence in UNIMELB lecturers.
lol
maybe they are not as nasty as i thought?

for now.
i will really try my bestest :D
miss korkor alot

i was really glad to hear your voice.
and you din have the tired tone like before
:)
i guess time does help.

i'm happy with what i am doing now.
exams is stressful
but im so thankful for this chance.

and i'm glad for everything i have now.
and i need nothing more than family and friends.

:)exams do make me upset though.
tgfr
-thank god for roommate :))))))))))

oh well.
28thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh of nov!
homehomehome is the chant in my brain.
hughughugs is the bestie slogan
miss gay superstarz TO THE MAX
super wanna hold hands and gaigai with alex
super wanna jae to sleep over
super want to go on eating fest with ky
super wanna hug and kiss shu ying
super wanna bitch out with kerin
super wanna see polymates and crez ppl and ken and gf and etc.

supersupersupersuper glad i have love from friends
super wanna kiss daddy
super wanna hear mom nag
super wanna be a slave for korkor-kai onn
super wanna tease korkor-kai mun
super wanna swim in the pool
super wanna wear spag top everyday and not carry a emergency jacket everywhere
super wanna drink 70c coffee
super love mr cat

time to mug.
with love hugs and manymanymanymanymany kisses.
cindy'

exams and hope

i should be rushing
mugging harder and harder

getting the pace right.

seeing parents with their children here.
those who came to cook for their kids who are taking exams.
lol

one asked me to teach her how to use the washing machine.

clothes=all her daughters one.

walking around the supermarket alone.seeing them and their mothers and dads.

1st comes the droop of the lips.
then the memory of the expectations of what he had and they have of me.
then a smile.
cause everything is going to be alright.
as long as i try my best.

alone.but with happy memory savings.

please be alittle more gentle and alittle more distant.
for the cat in my mind is at rest.

wld love a little shoulder to rest on
and a warm big hand over mine
as i watch random channels on the tv
and share a mug of icy orange juice

dad, i really miss you now.more than ever.

:S

study?
cindy?
please
:(

shopping days :)

k.my owner has no time to study for exams.
but she went shopping today to reward herself for the night long study craze.

:)
she ate good soba and bought a white top, white shorts,baby blue flowy top and a tangerine dress,without me :(

apparently they are made of
super soft cotton :))))))))))))
for uber hot days :)

its 7pm now.she's going to mug till late today

her roomie, roomie's bf,calissa and steven are going to KBOX tonight.
she's not going, instead she's staying at home to mug and keep me company of course :)

guai=owner

she says she's going to get H1A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OOUUUUUUUUUUUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
gambatte ne' cindy chan

-love'Mr Cat

if words and songs brought up those memories.
i rather erase the bleakness and only think of the good times we shared.

if i could change the pain i felt from envy.
i would.

if i could count my blessings
i would

if i could pretend not having you around does not hurt
i would

if i could decide on life's choices without wanting your advice.
i would.

if i could extend the happy conversations we had
i would

if i could take more pictures with you in the past
i would

if i could work with you
i would.


now.i can work hard to prove i am worth your time and effort
i can make my own decisions alone.
i can grow up alone
i can live alone
i can work alone
i can be part of you,alone.

right?

thai songs and an unworked brain

Ruk Sam Sao-roomie introed this song.
lame mtv but it sounds nice.

anyways
my brain is stagnant.

and those issues are not helping.

seriously,get over it

purity of a slut

pure in her ways

stepping through blood
running in rivers
going through rut

so goes the girl
of sex and drugs,of dirt and grim,of lies and more

.
random shit.

anyways.i'm fuckingly screwed over and out man.
the fuck i only have like effing 2 weeks to study and i can't concentrate.
shit.

arghhhhhh
i hate this feeling.of I WANT TO MUG
I HAVE TO MUG
but i can't seem to be able to.
i hae the sickening feeling that im gonna screw up and fail my exams.
seriously.

with my brain contracting on a daily basis.its amazing how i survived life.

dear God, please bless me with wisdom and maturity to tide me over this trying period.really hope to do well. :S

using words to form a barrier
and using silence to create the same effect.

wanting company so badly
but putting up walls to prevent me from falling deeper.

sitting with legs hanging and swinging
concealing the flurry of heartbeats and worry

the tree of discontent has been revisted
with no other visitor in place
i am its life and soul
and it is my source of support and hate

time, please heal the pain and distrust and disappointment.and wake me up from my maze of unhappiness.so restful slumber may finally sink in before i fall deeper

run through

din blog for ages.

exams along the way.and im going to rush through my revision soon.

feel really lucky to have a sweet roomie and her great bf
and 2 nice neighbours.

miss us
or do i just miss the times when i was not alone.

whatever is the case.
the past will not be retrieved.
im happy if each of us are happy

went running the otherday....for the 1st time.....not in the gym
lol
running in a singlet when its windy and 14 degrees..........
is not very funny.

life
as it is.
is fulfilling and awesome because i am me.purely selfishly me.which is effing liberating.

the loneliness and being a single entity=tradeoff
it sucks to be alone
but to get the chance to understand and come to terms with myself.
i am lucky

on a random note............
i hope roomie stops playing the kissing game with me.

jumblejumble

kaes.
first off.
to my dear mark,jae and shao qi
dun worry k?
i had a bad week.
but its getting better.
dun worry.
i wun do stupid things which i will regret later in life
:)))))))))))))))))
i'll be a good girl and
suck thumb and study and take the 28th of nov plane HOMEEEEEEEEEE

roomie came back from her short road trip :)
the house is much more cozy now
with ppl ard :)))))))))

really hate the silence which comes at night.

been taking walks recently.
they help take the sickening feeling away
can't wait to go home to walk ard my neighbourhood
i don't even mind drinking the lousy coffee from starbucks too!

mel has conditioned me to drink blardie good coffee
thanks to lygon st. and other great coffee areas in the city

going to do my work now.

i missed everyone in singapore very badly the other day.
and i still do.
but as jae said.nov's coming.

Mr Cat and i will tahan abit more and study :)
lovelove'cins

finding myself in the mess

i had already eliminated all variables.

and shall continue to be concentrating on the task of being a single living entity
till i find the pace of being myself.

till i can live happily alone.
only then can i have the courage to trust another.

in the mean time.
stop drawing invisible strings to another.
it's an irritant.

projects, here i come.

triptrip

woke up in the morning and got into brendan's car.
Mr cat met sweetypie(ying's bearbear)

anyways.3 of us went to mornington with 2 other cars
2 other guys and 3 other girls.

went to mornington.had branch
then went to the horseriding place.
not bad.reminded me of old holidays with family
then went to a feeding park(peacocks ducks kangaroos )

then went to our bali themed rented house.
supersupersuper nice house.

then had our bbq in the house(loads of food)
ate ALOT
then bathed and slept

next day we went to a few beaches. one was like a jetty look out the other was a really nice rocky high waves area. then we drove have lunch which was really yummy and the ambience was great.then off to the strawberry farm and the chocolate place.
then to the look out point where we took loads of pictures.
then we went to have dinner at a restaurant at the jetty.which also had an awesome ambience for couples.

then drove back home.
and watched xman tgt.lol
then one of them got drunk and we kinda looked after her then went to sleep.
the next day.

we drove back to the city-stopped by one huge shopping centre and shopped.
then HOME I WAS.
had yummy dinner with roomie and rommie's bf :)

pictures on facebook.
great chocos and yummy strawberry ice cream.
then went to a look out

the clock

the hands on my watch face seem to be moving in a blur
sometimes i wonder if my watch is faulty
other times i wonder if i had set it a day in advance.

i really want to find out what is that nagging feeling at the back of my mind.

so can you please stop confusing habit with love.
it may just be a random thought of yours while you dance around with loneliness, but it affects me and you know it.

while you have your dalliances with the narcissist you, please leave me out of the equation. i am not a prop or stand in actress in your play.as much as i am in your life.as much as i love you as a friend.

my energy for these childish acts of haphazard "inspirited" feelings you generate while reading novels or watching movies or seeing your friends in love, has been all used up.i'm sorry, but please get more creative in expressing your inner lonliness this method has already been used by many.i'm sick of it.you are already being an irritant.something i want to erase but i can't cause of our friendship.

move on and fuck off
stop making me use my precious supplies of panadols and yellow tabs.uni melb has already fulfilled that job.

school work.is .................the fuel for procrastination.
and my mind being the main generator.
i'm screwed over.
but still crawling my way out of the gunk

i miss having dad and bro around.
for them to nag and pamper me in their gruff ways
for them to order me around to do errands.

now
i feel so alone in the mountains of work
i have no one to rest on.
all i can do.
is to rest my uncertainty with the never ending list of work

freakfake

smiling nonstop

is

effing



TIRING


reaching for Mr cat and crashing into dreamless sleep never felt so good before.

retail therapy

super tired of stressing over quality of work
and thinking of the past.

today i met ying huey :))))))
for yummy dinner
before that
stopped by at mooks
some shoe shop at qv
and then frat house

bought abercrombie and fitch cargo skinnies.
brown
a really nice cut.
but the price ah............
hahaha.
nvm.

ate dinner at some jap restaurant at qv.
not bad :)))))
then stopped by the korean grocery shop and bought bbq chicken to cook
red dates tea
dumplings to fry
and some korean sweet cake.

gtg do my work now
:)
im much better today
i really love my new cargo.
super smooth to touch
meow'

for all the zombies in the world

in school now
just arrived
at 920pm

i'm tired
my brain is in a mess

going home at 2am

hopefully i don't get mugged on the way home.

i know im supposed to ask someone to be with me to walk me home.

but seriously
who is here?

i don't want to breathe in the air and pretend to smile to ppl who are almost strangers
or even think of imposing my glum face on them.

people ard me at the table seem to me studying so very hard.

i'll study more, harder, smarter.
getting busy.
doing and running and cleaning washing working studying.
harder and harder
then sleep will come
naturally

give me back sleep

it's 4:20am
im awake
can't sleep

my mind is running with words and figures
from qm2 to ob to marketing and seeing the whole picture
from all my relationships which all BOMBED
to my family.who i miss
to friends who i think of everyday in lesson

the room is cold
as usual.
the room is quiet
as usual

the word as usual.
sounds like a single red dot now.

sleep
do come fast
for its there where i feel least lost and alone.

,,,,,

i WANTED to study

sing a song for me and lull me to sleep

had a recurring nightmare of sitting in the lounge
n thinking of people.
but no one came.

730am sleeps are not good for cindy.

i guess its still much better than those nights in the hospital.

sometimes you need to get messed up to buck up

my brain is saturated with theories and i have to cram everything in 1000 words.
words and words and words

words which hurt
words which heal
words which touch
words which tempt
words which linger
words words and more

i miss your voice
the deep rumble tone
my son, just do your best
then the sigh

if mr cat is all i have now
would you still be angry with me
i can't remember the memories much

but why can't the guilt fade
why can't i let go of wanting the past back.

i'm so fucked over now.and all i think of is my room
dear cindy would you forgive me if i exceed the 5 times limit

seriously,wtf

i'm 100% screwed over

entirely
fuckingishly'
totally
in all sense

fucked over and out

my assignments dued
-organizational behaviour bullshit of 1000 words-4 questions
in other words churning out a fucking summary from abt 300 pages worth of utter bullshit from bullshit writers who paraphrased their crap from a bunch of other writers' verbal diarrhoea

-essay plan for seeing the whole picture
luckily its only 500 words
the fucked up thing abt it........is i don't even know the fucking theory which i wanna pick for it.

-qm2 grp assignment
the use of formulas which i prob won't ever fucking see,hear and touch after uni
and the use of wordtype.

-marketing,qm2,ob,tutorials
the usual lump of shit

i'm damn sick of waking up late
going for lecture/tutorials late
going for them with the main purpose of getting out as soon as possible.
going for them with no one i know in those rooms

doing assignments alone
doing them in my room alone freezing
doing them in the student lounge alone.with fuckers playing poker loudly behind me
i am sick and tired of worrying abt deadlines
sick and tired of hearing my coursemates fuss over their already well done pieces of shit.

i am sick of sleeping at 4am
sick of the cold room
sick of eating instant noodles every fucking day
sick of eating chips for breakfast
sick of eating cold pieces of hardened dried out bread
sick of being sick and alone and stuffing crappy instant chinese medicine down my throat.

sick of spending 1/3 of my allowance on handphone bills to singapore.
sick of the damn fucked up peices of assignments
sick of hearing my coursemates say my work is okay
WHEN IT IS FUCKINGLY OBVIOUS THAT MY PIECES OF WORK ARE UTTERLY EMBARRASSING BELOW STANDARD CRAP.

i hate it when i am forced to morph into pseudo-cindy

there are people who i like to talk to and then
there are those which i rather ignore.

but now, i have to fucking force myself to crank up a fucked up smile and be nice.
wtf
i'm a bitch
not that fucking proud of it.
but yeah!
when im tired cold and fucked up with crappy instant noodles in my tummy which was breakfast and lunch and 1/2 dinner.
i do not fucking wanna come into contact with son of a bitches motherfuckers who are fucking hypocritical lumps of shit who think they are god's best gift to women.

why must i even smell the same air as them
WHY THE FUCK

calling home and lying to mom that i'm doing all apple-ishly wholesomely awesome and bursting with enthusiasm makes me feel like an unfilial liar

i really wanna do my best and make the most out of every minute and second.

staring at textbooks
at the myriads of required readings and mumbo jumbo jargons and concepts
i'm just going to suck thumb and do it with the best of my ability.
not that it'll be the best work :(


someone plug me some nice songs please

just want to do my work

concentration.nil

get a hold on to life
cin'

Your hands

The disappearance of cindy
For
Wed
Exam

Shut my ears from all that makes me green

Erasing all that makes me ponder

Concentrating in what I promised
And
Forgetting all that hurts in the process

Mr Cat are you here in spirit for me?
I’ll try not to let you down.

just you and me

friends and i
family and i
lovers and i

pairings
groups
cliques

humans-social beings-associations

if i miss you hard enough.
is that love?
or reliance?

if you forget me
did you ever really think of me in the first place

am i running away from regret
do i even regret my choices?
or am i in denial.

is my heart in the right place

why must i react to pictures and memories.

i miss holding big hands
why do i feel that you are really dead

after so long
ice creams and soft toys still push me into the past
and once im back to reality
all i feel is a loud lost
that void
is something i never want to feel again.

so walls of distrust will breed
and ironically
being alone.or the fear of it.
will breed lonliness

:(

i can hear my stomach digesting my food

that's how quiet my room is

hugs?

studying for my exam now :(
so many things to learn

today jae went to visit mom :))))))))))))))))))
SOMEONE SHIFTED MY BED IN SINGAPORE
WTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
:(

i miss my gundam figurine.....
seriously
was sooooooo tempted to bring it with Mr Cat.
but was too scared of it breaking apart in the place
:(


on the up side
i finished my QM2 assignment with crystal today :))))))

lunch as kaya with bread.
dinner was rice and cinnimon chicken and soup.
with subway cookies and ice cream and apple ice blend.

burp
really feel abit lonely now.
someone throw me a hug pls

woah

woke up in a daze
washed my cup
BIG EFFING MISTAKE

the damn plaster dropped while i was sleeping
wthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
trying having detergent in a cut....somehow it makes leeeetle cuts sting like mad and bleed again.ABITTTTTTTTTTT
but cindy is a buff girl.


woah
but it woke me up fair and square

went to lecture
now im at home.
considering .......
abt the possibility of cindy skipping lecture.................

but i won't la

melb is super quiet
luckily barb is coming back tonight.
why can't SIA lend me a plane to fly ppl over

last night's dinner was...ice cream and ice cream
lunch was instant noodles and.......chips

vitamins came in jelly candy.

healthy cindy! :)))))))))

someone pass me a lifeline

really relieved when alex picked up the phone.

cause no one did
and that really made me scared
just like those days
when no one came

too cold and tired to fag
is that good enough?

i can't keep up with the work from uni
but i can and i will
does that make sense?

i really hate the sickening feeling
reminds me of my jc days.

when i broke the bowl
when i stared at all the pieces and din know what to do
when i stared at the mess
when i panicked
when i called
when i called and called and called
when i calmed down
when i picked it all up
when i cut myself accidently
when i licked the cut
when i washed it
when i thought of the mess of all the work accumulating

1 person

i can do this.it's going to be okay
i said that again and again and again in the shower.

it's going to be okay
that's what i told myself that day,that month,that year
and it's true
with mom bros annd friends

now.
it's going to work out fine again.
won't it?
i had practice

just that now.
the room's silent

not much of a diff

dips and spikes

i woke up late.
cold and :(
so....decided not to go for tutorial.
but.

at least met rachel and crys in lecture :)))
and roomie made sweet and sour pork

going to set a rule for myself.
sleep by 12am EVERYFUCKING day.

amen.

so going to get h1a for my qm2
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i mean how hard can stats be!
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

kk.gtg.i'm gonna mug my ass off.
and ace the frigging assignments/grp work/tests and exams!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

btw i maxed out my slacker days already.
unimelb can just watch my back

ringring

its 8:42am singapore time.
1042am melbourne time.
im deciding on whether i should heave my body to school. or just rot infront of the computer.

my lesson is at 11am

the question of today...
should cindy go to school.

well thinking abt it from a certain perspective..........

im nuts
i travelled over
just to study
and im THINKING OF going to school.
wow.
kinda defeats the purpose of coming over yeah....if i dun go?

someone hold my hand and walk me to school pls.
im damn sleepy and grouchy.
what if the damn classmates bully me again?
then how?
should i control myself from slapping them?

hmmmmmmmmmmmm
let me ponder over it.

i wish i could bring Mr cat to school.
but i think it'll get stolen/pranked upon/get dirty :((((((((((((

then wow no more sleeping partner.GOOD GAME.

i want prata and hot teh with super gaooooooo condense milk and suugarrrrrrrrrr pls.thanks uncle.i come back in 5 min to collect.

when can i finally utter this sentence?
i really wonder.

of citation,fags and ddp

i finally sort of "created" the 1000 essay thingy
by created i mean...piece/type/ANYHOW wack

loads of paraphrasing and stuff to be settled
i think it was badly done.cause i have all the damn things i wanna say and i don't know why but it really reflects how haphazard fuzzly confused i am.not of the topic.but of things in general. :(

but atleast Mr Bill Gates helped.
thank god for citation and bibliography tools.

calmed myself down in the shower.
determination
discipline and
pride

god i sound like a communist idiot

wish i cld hug dad to sleep now.
everything will be just fine.
just you wait

from winter to spring

this sounds hopelessly narcissistic but

ever since i've arrived in melb.
i think
my moods,or rather my feelings
reflect the weather

i was and i still am gloomy

but today.
after last night's talk with jae
the whole idea of my buddy mumbling some thing
and not really the thing itself....kinda melted the whole gloomfest thing abit.
sounds lame but nothing she said really made me feel better or motivated...
it was more of.....she said something.which means...she listened,processed and made an effort to care,think and give advice.
and now i think.that process cheered me up

i am not forgotten. :)
thank you very much.cindy is like a 5 year old attention seeking child now.
yup
i'm not exactly overjoyed at this realization and neither am i particularly proud of it.
but im glad, that....i found out a cure.
hahahahahahaa frigging optus plans will cheer me up :))))

anyway, i do hope that this less tensed feeling will continue to increase.cause i was too high strung to do ANY FRIGGING WORK yesterdae.
today at elast i typed a paragraph.ONE paragraph.

from winter to spring'

winter came and
almost seemed as though it'll never end.
just as i thought i could not hold out
the brief glimmer of spring revived me
spring's just peeking around the corner

i hope my mood will continue to thaw soon too.

discipline, determination and pride are all you need is what dad used to say.

so with my hope of spring.i cling on to the three as well, now barely but they will grow.Yes.


oh.btw below is what i did for my assignment...i still ahve 4/5th to go.do help me proofread it.its abit jumbled and mumbled.and word of caution, i still need to paraphrase and edit it loads incase of copyright issues
"This paper will begin by discussing the different assumptions “Scientific Management” and Human Relations” makes about workers, it will then explain how each approach suggests managers should do to get the most out of workers and finally it will end off with the implications of each approach for workers and the rationale behind my partiality towards the “Human Relations” approach.

Firstly, “Scientific Management” is largely based on ‘time and motion’ principles with the view that workers are biological machines. Under this school of thought, the ideal worker is one who passively carries out his tasks in the exact order set out by the management.

“Scientific Management” assumes that all workers are classified under the “economic man” principle. Under this principle, financial reward is the principal incentive for workers, with the belief that all workers would react rationally and cooperate with management if they are given financial advantages. (Miller, D., & Form, W. H, 1964, Pg.646). Under this approach, in order to obtain optimum performance from workers, there is only “one single best way”, with the main focus based purely on efficiency. Managers design production processes and jobs as simple as possible and tell workers exactly what is to be done. The work usually entails little or no mental inputs from the workers as it is mostly repetitive tasks.

There are several implications of “Scientific Management”.

The first being; managers would use money as the incentive for workers to reach optimum performance. Secondly, the dehumanizing of work will come into play, as the tasks are repetitive and workers are not expected to give feedback and are not supposed to modify the tasks or the order of the work processes, leading back to the point whereby workers are treated as biological machines. The secondary influence of this implication would be of the “de-skilling” of workers as they are conditioned to the set of repetitive task in a manner assigned by management. They therefore have no opportunity to improve on the processes or absorb other knowledge which they might have should they have been allowed to modify the processes or tasks at hand."

It kinda sucks in a mumblyjumbly way :(
don't you think so?

i just want to go home

eating a reheated dinner infront of the computer alone and cold
and pretending that the friend u are chatting with is sitting next to you and not in singapore on msn...........

is

unbearably tiring

but i'm cindy and i'm here in melbourne,because of my choices in life.
because i knew this is the path to take.

so i'm not going to whine.

but can i just say "i just want to go home"
it's irritating to the ear and hopelessly childish.
but trust me i can whine ALOT MORE.

for now.just let me say "i just want to go home"
i will go for lessons.try not to dash out of them with a hp and singapore number in tow.
i will go for lectures and try not to doodle images of mates back in singapore.
i will cook dinners and try not to eat instant noodles.
i will sleep early and try not to sleep singapore time.
i will TRY to respond in a conversation with weird stranger boys in class.
i will TRY not to bitch slap bitchy stranger girls in class.
i will try not to eat fatty ang moh oil creamy food.

i miss my friends so badly (that's not whining....that's a fucking fact)

random quote
"because I can't help you when you're crying in your dreams.
So at least when you're awake, i want you to smile.
Let me for each tear you've shed so far
be able to make you smile."

summary

i am getting fatter
thanks to daily ice creams
and creamy fatty oily food

oh im getting more and more financially unstable too

on the up side.
my internet is finally up and running
and starting 12th aug....
im gonna change my hp plan....
i'll be able to call back to singapore for 30 min everydamn day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

get your ass down here now

accouncement one
-to all the asses who think going overseas to study is a BALL of fun.
well it's not...
at least not for cindy

being in melb.....studying
basically means
ALOT OF ALONE TIME.
trust me...in singapore i had days when i wanted to burn the entire human population.
well......here....i can't find anyone in my damn frigging quiet apartment to burn

food wise......
yes i am in melb...
the place which apparently has the viets,greeks,sigaporeans,msians,,,,and afew asssies.......
but boys and girls.....lemme tell u.....i miss my laksa just the way i like it...$3.50 for a large bowl in a dirty hawker centre.
i also miss eating chinese desserts......ALOT
i miss sweating when i eat them
i miss sharing them with mom,bro,dad,my neice and nephews.
i miss forcing my friends to eat my leftovers.
i miss my ex
i miss my bestie.
i miss my buddy
i miss my partner
i miss my 2 gay friends
i miss the guy whom i was seeing in singapore
i miss my classmates
i miss the cleaner auntie whom i see every weekend afternoon
i miss my gym
i miss running at night
i miss my bed
i miss my purple walls
i miss the black wall decals i have on my wall.
and thank god jae reminded me abt Mr Cat.
because at least i have mr cat to sleep with when night are so bloody cold and quiet.

i'm what u call an overall fucked up person now.
i had little or no human conversation with ppl i love....face to face......for more than a fucking month......trust me.....i am not a sane person.

and yes it shows.my frigging body clock is ruined yet again. :)))))))))))
n this is a sadsad night
cause......
i am saying all this on my blog
which means a few things.....
-internet is not steady=lack of skype/msn
-i am AT HOME,FREEZING MY BUTT OFF,ALONE,WITH NO FRIENDS,NO FAMILY, NO LIFE....ON A FRIDAY NIGHT...
how submerged in "i don't have a life" can i get!

btw i just spent 2 hours watching angelina jolie in one of her BAD OLD films.those with no script no plot and a whole lot of senseless hallmark moments?
yurp.those which u watch on tv and thank god u din waste $8 catching it in the cinemas.
btw,,,,,keep in mind....movies here are AUD$15

i know...my room will be MY place......for these few months...that's the sad thing...predicting that my room is where i would rather "chill out" when i am a frigging 21 yrd old ...who probably should be out there in a grp of say 5-6 ppl...laughing, bitching,rolling my eyes at girls who flirt in boys in cliques....and bet at which guy will get lucky next......and listen and pretend to enjoy each other's taste in music.......yurp......

anyways....i was desperate...yes the term can only be desperate....
i was desperate enough to buy giant wall decals of frigging orange daisies.....to paste on my walls.....so that it will cheer up my room......and me....in the process..

gee.....
they worked!for 5 min!....which was WHEN i was PUTTING them up....

yup

wallowing in self pity.is disgusting,narcissistic and time consuming....
but i've said my peice....
and what i really wanted to spill.....face to face....with my mates back in singapore...who when they read this post...probably would be thinking...THANK GOD she's not here....
lol

but yeah.i feel better....abit...
if only.i cld fly u guys over..for just a hug.
that would really take all the helplessness away
really

updateupdate

okay my internet is up and running
but it does have its moods.
oh well
i have a new number will update again once i start to actually use it :)


to my darling brother who is reading my blog.
pls DO NOT WORRYYYYYYYYYYYYY
i am always online and will skype u and mommy dearest EVERYDAY

i am eating alright and sleeping........is and have always been a hobby.
today.i'm gonna leave my house in 5 minutes (5:30pm)aussie time.
to meet ying
who happens to be alex's and jae's friend
YURP.

i am wearing 3 layers.
some vic secret top, thermal and daddy's nice wooly top.and MY NEW COAT...hahahahaha
and warm leggings w/ shorts and leg warmers with boots.
WARM I AM NOW...
but once i step out
i'll freeze no matter what..

13-7-09............4:49 pm

it was cold....
now its raining...

now its FREEZING

..............
melbourne weather......
is
SUCKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

aussie blog update

Okay. Im typin this blog post at 8:43pm singapore time on the 8^th of july 2009. Its now dark (duhhhh) in aussie. n I just came back from the gym downstairs……..bro’s using the loo so im stuck in my gym clothes…LUCKILY the heater works or I’ll be freeeeezing in my fbts…

Alrighty….UPDATE!~

Thanks to everyone who came to send me off….and those who gave really sweet messages….because of the confusion in flight dates and the whole rushrush. I din really inform everyone my flight dates…..sorryyyyyyyyyyyy…..i was really scared that I would cry also…..if I saw everyone… L

Anyways.the flight was uneventful.thumbs up to the pilot.one of the rare times I had such a super smooth landing.i din even noe we hit the tar luh……zhai right?

From this point onwards all timing wld be in aussie time (just add 2 hours to Singapore time)btw all pics would be on facebook……shud be protected yurp J

So anyways we landed ard 9am….then took the airport pick up…..made friends with some guy from peru’s national hockey team……apparently he chose uni mel cause the hockey team of aussie is 2^nd in the world as compared to peru’s standing of 40+…..i also made friends with 2 other guys one from Jakarta and Bombay…

Yurp…MAYBE I’ll see them in campus……

Okay we reached and immediately started unpacking…………I was damn tired.but bro was…..the DICIPLINARIAN…

YURPPPPPPPPPPPP

We unpacked EVERYTHING.

Then had lunch at a Italian restaurant….pizza and steak…..saw Darrell by chance and chatted abit with him and introed bro to him and his mom.yurp.

Then bro n I bought vodaphone prepaid card.:( SUCKS….

Then walked ard trying to find banks…….WALK A LOT n din really find one.then jo called and went to meet her and saw her trinity friends and then had to head back to the house to meet bro.i walked alone luhhhhhhh in the cold..and it was getting darkkk……SCARYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SHIT I TELL U.i din even noe if I was walking in the right direction……WTH…..and it was cold

Bro and I cooked dinner=pasta and steamed broccoli with Japanese seasoning

The next day. We started an a/c at anz.bought tons of stuff (oil and herbs and basic stuff like soap and spoons from safeway (aussie’s ntuc) walked ard and drank good coffee.lunch was…..something …bro prepared some potatoe carrot big onion soup.I can’t remember much….we walked ard looking for ANZ bank and managed to open 3 bank a/c for me or something.…..uncle ben came to give me blankets. Then we met ivan, my msian cousin and had dinner at a good thai restaurant.

And had lovely gelato.yup…..bro bought wine to chill out with ivan …and I met Barbara!!!!!!!!!!!!!!chatted with her then came back to sleep.

Today……I woke up..it was COLD.

Then we walked ard and headed to ANZ bank in central …then met up with siew mei….who is like mom’s childhood friend’s daughter…SHE IS DAMN NICE and PRETTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!wah CHIO luhhhhhhhh…in a sweet way.she tried to help me shop..cindy sucks at comparing prices……all cindy wants to do is…to buy the damn boots….but she kept insisting that we look ard….hahahahahaa….she really LOVES shopping.

Anways she brought us to a pretty cool greek restaurant….nice interior.gd dessert….had some lemony fish rice soup.sourrrrrrrrrrrrr….not very nice LLL

SHOPPED for necessities AGAINNNNNNNNNNNNN….i am like. A frigging housewife…..who JUST got frigging married….n is setting up a new house…suddenly....soap prices and stuff are important.YUCKS…

Totally need my bank statements to rushrush my phone and internet…ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

All I can do now is to do these drafts and like copy paste stuff lataaaa

Oh and I realise….i am beginning to get used to the aussie slang….as in I’ve only been here for 3 days.but because I keep talking to the phone provider companies, services staff, sales girls and bank officers….i KEEP HEARING repeated terms………..

NO WORRIES MATE is the ULTIMATE phrase here…..EVERYTHING IS ENDED WITH NO WORRIES MATE…..

HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAA

YAYYYYYYYYYYY

I can irritate everyone with a fake accent when I go home in nov/dec.

1^st day I was damn fucking miserable…..cause I was cold irritable abit hungry and upset.

I still miss everyone now….and I place PEEKTURES at my window and wear the necklace everyday.

JAE CALLED MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

The ass she bought a international calling card and called me…sweet right?

Hughug.no bad not bad….i’ll get her kinder surprise egg (the original one in aluminium foil.)hahahha they have it in Australia.

So far I spent a lot on food and home stuff like cutlery and HAIR PRODUCTS…..its damn COLD and dry

Even my bro said its COLD……

Its abt 2-5 at night….and its windy….

Much like the 1^st day of china…..

In the day…….its slighty better…cause the sun is out.but still…..u would think it would be hotter with the sun …..BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTt.the air is still cold ….

My hair was dried out on the 2^nd day.

So bought proper shampoo and conditioner. And loreal leave on night moisturizer stuff for the hair….it smells like.yummy honey….cause of the bee wax fragrance I think.

N I bought yummy bee wax moisturizer from a health food shop as well.

Cause of my allergic reaction to alcohol.shopping for facial products is like a ninja challenge……fun, funny but mostly damn deadly and sickening….

So……luckily after hunting down shelves in departmental stores and supermarkets and pharmacies…..i finally found a DECENT moisturizer…..i think I’ll buy more before I go home as well..it smells really sweet…n I feel like kissing myself…..LOL….hahahahahaahaahahaha….

Oh the only hug ….decent one as well…….i received from since I’ve arrived is from darling Barbara….seeing her face really put the ….sickening feeling in my gut…..to rest……yurp….hopefully uni mel course applications would not be as challenging as siew mei suggested.

K its abt 12:15 in Melbourne now…I gtg sleep…tml is a new day….

Song while typing this draft was Mozart-amadeus..so dun mind the ups and down high strung way I’m typing yeah……..haha….k I gtg sleep with my new hot water bottle……J

Btw….in cold countries…….i really understand y ppl hug and kiss n display open affection…..cause its damn miserable …..and frankly hugging and kissing ppl brings u instant warmth…..I LIKE……as in the warmth part….

So far saw…one really pretty girl-some indo Chinese….and a sweet pretty girl-siew mei….

No hot guys yet and no hot aussie girl….mostly fat or full of freckles….or loud and dumb….or just not appealing luh… L

Kk I really gtg crash….miss mark now…….and everyone also…..

Really need a bestie hug now…. :S

AUSSIE UPDATE

hey guys.

i fucking miss u all

BUT MY DAMN INTERNET IS NOT UP YET.

WTHHHHHHHH

im using a friend's internet now.

anyways.

im like.totally sian now.regarding the weather.....wth......COLD...

nights are 5-7

mornings are 10-13(degrees)

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

there are chio girls on the streets

thank god.

bro is leaving on friday

and im going with barb to church on friday as well.

oh wells.

hopefully my internet will be up and running SOON.

i gtg guys wil udate facebook with pics.and have the draft i typed on my computer loaded here asap.

i miss u all alot.

and pls tc of yourselves k?

btw my aussie number is 0406971219.......dun u dare post this on fb....i'll kill u all.

blog urpdateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

okay
i held the party
and thank god for ian,alex,jason,xue li,tian hao, wei tat......
for helping me in the wholeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee damn thing :))))))
and joy, aunty anita, aunty wui ming and ........mom

the party was.............
eventful

not the best ever.
but not the worse.

some stuff i rather forget................which i rather not blog about because i have faith in my bad memory......
but ...........some i will never forget the damn idiots who really helped me....and gave me super memories........which i really won't forget.........somehow i bet thinking of u guys in aussie when im cold and bummed out.will only cause me to go on facebook and tear.....HARHARS

but all in all......i'm really glad everyone came for my party.even if some did piss me off abit....i'm glad.i saw everyone's faces......like.really....cause even though in singapore we seldom meet.........6 mths in a cold country with no familiar stinky faces ard is not cindy's idea of a fun trip.....i'm soooo happy everyone really did took the trouble to come to my ulu bbq pit :)))))


alrighty.

then i met with france xin and phyllis at taka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMFG
france is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute still and so didi-ish.....i fucking cannot tahan already..........hahahahhahhaa.can i pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee air freight her to melbourne :(((((((

xin .............is like........a frigging magician.....all her baby fats are gone and looks super fab :))))))luckily she din change much and is still a fruity-appley superlicious blackshirt and jeans homey human ....awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.....i miss eating secretly in class with her....

phyllis the ............BOMBER......woah...her news is too small already....
almost fainted in taka when she dropped the NEW FLASH BOMB......but im really glad she's happy and still as driven about her life as ever :))))))))))))))))

oh the shark fish bone and ham w/ meat combo soup and crispy brown rice.............is very nice!thanks mr crystal jade for the yummy 2nd dinner that night!you contributed to 1/100000000000 of cindy's chubby cheeks...

next up was walking ard holland and vivo with ian......i can't remember what we did though....apart from laughing and walking around.

then next was tian hao at holland again.
cold rock is the place for................ice cream and..........flashback talks..yurp.
tian hao really made me think of.............like.the past in poly......and the dumb shit i did without knowing....hahahhahahahahaahhahaha.apparently i did things.....n i din know and i thought no one knew...but ppl saw....wth.damn embarrassing.....


then i watched transformers with xue li and shao qi.........
the 2 ppl i'll miss.................alot .in aussie.
my dove necklace, hp and bible will remind me of them
and when it rains...hahahahahaha.they will indirectly shield me yurp

then kenneth joined us after the show :)))))
hahahahhaahaa kenneth is still the same........
xueli and shao qi..............although they claim they are not what they used to be..........
i still think the world of them....n i guess even if they commit murder....i will still do ....which is weird i know...

alrighty..........the one person i wanna meet now.........
is
markie my bestie.....
yup

i gtg pack my bag
AGAIN.WTH......okaesssssssssss
i'll update again.really soon.
in the mean time........
FACEBOOK!!!!!!
hahahahahahahaa
unless u don't have me on facebook....
which probably means u should not even be reading this blog .u ass hole stranger......

on a side note...cindy..is not jittery about leaving..........now.....she is just damn sian at the preparation and the continuous nagging which is floating in the air thanks to mom n bro.