30th

i miss the past
the night when I was surrounded with despair
your warmth and concern gave me comfort and chased away my despair

after losing all i had
i thought i had nothing to fear until one day
u left

brought away my smiles and left only loneliness and i forgot how happiness felt
with no random nights and bright days with you, i can only close my eyes and imagine.
i wonder who is beside you replacing me and covering the past.
losing what we had in the past.

(modified from a song)
.....................................................................................................................

taking a lesson from joleen
you do not mix grapes with fish for steaming

i hope everything i do
is not viewed as extra ingredients to the people around me.
the way i throw the piece of tissue does not mirror how i treat my family
the way i treat any single entity does not mirror how i treat another
......................................................................................................................

someone mentioned that it is okay for me to continue protecting myself by not committing emotions until i am certain of the other party

but maybe she gave the wrong judgement.
i had already let the guard down.

with every relationship to close ones the walls are down.

so lesson 501: being emo and locking yourself in slience and angst is cliche, cindy's suggestion.embrace everyone with a seemingly open heart but attach it with indifference for the other party's welfare. :]
meaning make use for everyone for entertainment and once you are bored/irritated leave them and upload a new version. delete the old software of course..................


or can i practice what i preach?


haha.


...................................................................................................................................
i do not have the luxury of time.
we all don't
the people around us may leave us any moment
maybe in spirit/body
or simply not remember any of us suddenly.

"every moment with loved ones count." this 6 word line smashes what ever i said on top doesn't it?

why can't people recognise that no matter how pessimistic and fucked up life is.
your boss may be hell.
your project may be on the rocks.
your hair cut may have been a tragedy
you may be having a hard time.

you can complain and burn the whole town down

but
if you knew the people you care about may leave you one hour later.
would you treat them the same way?
....................................................................................................................................
dementia patients' family members
or families who just lost a member
usually cry

some for the pain of the loss but sadly mostly for
regret

i hate regret as loss can be healed by time.
but regret for a lost loved one is not curable and nothing can be done.
.....................................................
i love all the happy moments i spent with my loved ones.
and the sad times spent helped me treasure all the better moments

and i'm glad and i'm not going to mince my words for the sake of false modesty
but i don't regret how i treated my loved ones around me.
i really did my best to love the people dear to me in the only ways i knew.

maybe tomorrow i may lose another but.
at least through the pain i know i have no regrets.

what about you?

blues

abit down.

hate projects.
xmas was.............gd.then again bad.

cny is coming........
which does not bring back gd memories.

tuition was tiring.the children n i struggled against the curse of "fidgeting from too much sour candy energy"

luckily the girl has a really cute voice and and sweet smile.so we kinda gave maths a break n took on chinese and english mostly

the older boy was careless as always.n it did bring back memories of my own horrid mistakes.but he's very honest for a kid and quiet


anyways tml's the middle child.hopefully time wld sail by.


very tired of FIT
i hate osim

xmas and xmas eve......

things been going abit too well.

kinda scared.

cause.it always mean that something really bad is going to happen.

:(

anyways

spent ample time with mom,dad and brothers.

went shopping on xmas.

and spent time with lk

saw ncc friends who really changed and look all grown up and pretty.

the guys look................happy as usual

vivo's xmas tree is really really really pretty!

took some pics while looking for the ncc people.the tree is pretty!

reliance

after doing the "task"

the "task" that you would do throughout my life
the "task" that you were "supposed" to do for us forever and ever.

i realise how much we relied on you.

did you like us relying on you silently?
did we purposely made it so that we could fulfil our own wants of just relying on someone who was only ard for those moments?

i think in my life
i keep trying to be independent.
or so i think.
i keep saying i want to be self reliant and be a single entity
and friends around me sometimes chant the same mantra.
but is it delusional?

everyday we rely on the people around us to function.
even for the smallest thing.

maybe. sometimes a few of the stuff i rely on others are just to
to make sure he/she has a reason to be around me.
to feel their presence around me.

but once they leave.
the "tasks" they use to do amplify their disappearance
to the point where i want to commit myself and make the delusion, reality.
to delete all attachments to people
to feel nothing when they leave.

a glass full of milk is half empty after you spill the milk
but what if there was no milk in the 1st place
leaving the glass to be just a glass
maybe with artificial colours to serve as a simple decoration.
maybe by hardening and numbing(or so a certain clown used to say)
life could sail by but with the trade off of having lesser feelings
....................................

cindy's brain contains the following information which cannot be edited
when you care for someone.
but if circumstances makes you both lose contact.
the moment he/she is in trouble.
you try your best to help
if you can't help
you offer support in your best ability.
you try
and make sure they are cared for and check on them

you do not leave them in the woods and then only when you are done cooking/sleeping/eating/shitting/golfing/dancing/reading/slacking/stoning/painting/packing/smoking/chionging/coughing/farting
u think, hey why not i contact them?

................................
cindy's brain also contains the following information which cannot be edited

friends who like friends..
are humans.

friends who hurt knowingly just to please their desires and disturb the people around them to gather information on the side and continue to harass through smses and emails and friendster + continue to probe/plead/instigate through emotional blackmail

are

people who should back off when declined

if they continue

then
they are bastards who deserve to get their guts ripped out through their nose.
they should be burnt at their most sensitive body parts
and then spitted upon.

people who cause myself and friends discomfort
should flee from my small circle of life
their fatal infection of "let's be pathetic idiots and ruin my life starting by creating delusional love lives and then force them on others"
should be burnt after they get tortured 1st for being such a pest to society.

.........................

oh.
cindy hates "choco & banana ice cream"

my sunday

had to stay at home to look after dad cause siti went out, bro went for a picnic.

soooooooooooooooo

kai bought a marie puzzle to do!

catcatcatcatcat

the fun begins

yesterdae......
went past.
don't realli remember wad i did cause i was in a daze.

today was spent with kai
walked ard looking for movie tix for mr. magorium

watched it in the end.

it was quite a bad show........
other than the tune which was quite cute.


lesson of the day ="rings are very painful to take out"

NP polytechnic students are the leaders of the future

i swear this is how my fellow polytechnic friends behave everyday.

they carry textbooks and notes around and read them while walking.

even conversations among friends revolve around issues such as the Singapore legal system, exclusion clauses, terms of contract,etc...........

the pictures give proof that Ngee Ann Polytechnic students are indeed the guiding light to youths globally.

cindy the monster

okay i took the BLAW paper.and left early.i din complete the paper.

BRILLIANTwas being a sneezing coughing germs monster.

luckily i din hug anyone today.left the hall early,called my mommy and she came down :]

told her to send me to good old silver cross........

and then saw the doc.OMG his haircut is CLASSIC with a CAPITAL C.

the fringe is stright.n it juts out.think coconut fringe with short trimmed sides.but i think with cool specs he could pull of the "i am an art critic-look"

any ways he asked if i had enough money to pay for meduh.......i noe i look frazzled todae with my flu.but..........i din noe i looked poverty strickened.anyways.

turns out he issued me 3 types of medi.supposed to be 5 but i have an inhaler and my fav clari/chloro/zertec

he gave me a green tube thingy=some thing called flizonase(aqueous nasal spray)i swear the cover makes it look like a inflated and flattened condom.

anyways u r supposed to remove the cover n shove the thing up your nose n spray.i am supposed to do this everyday 4 times in the morning.amen.

oh plus 2 other medi syr dhasedyl/prednisolone(i think its for cough) 3 times daily=its brown
and
syr bricanyl/bisolven= some colourless liquid which has a slight mint effect.it's supposed to "clear the airway"


i will prob just get 50% for BLAW..60% for CM..........n for EC.............uh.i HOPE i get a pass.oh n i realise i love songs with alittle bit of drums....alot of piano bits and violin on the side.

n i need a hair cut...and a binder and the ec text book.going to mug.then take the test on fri.rest.see bf.sleep.wake up n see my laopo jas,cheryl,jie shi. get high with them. then........do abit of xmas shopping?then look at primary school assesment booksthen try to find time to go to the zoo.then find a bendable whiteboard for the children to use.then sleep.wake up.teach kids.then read bookssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.rest.do FIT project.then rest.WOOSH.

staring at the posts below..........i guess i just have to wait.time will tell.

oh.n dad "walked" from the bed to the door with 3 ppl holding him..........damn happy.he still can't talk/recognise ppl/move alot.BUT he managed to use his tumb to flip a few pages of a magazine yesterday.was super impressed.happyhappy

xmas wish no.2:for dad to recognise ppl asap

sick

sick to the point where i can't really walk ard.

head is throbbing.
feel like shit.

with eyes that look so clear and wise.
why can't you look at me in the eye when they ask "where is cindy"



maybe you could not sense the old cindy.
maybe i've changed so much over the past few months
maybe the scent of my skin mixed with the comforting scent of your blankets covering me faded



we all changed
i am still here waiting for you.
can you please look back and see all the pebbles of love i left to guide you?
can you not accuse me with your eyes that i left you.

i never left you.i'm still here.
my soul abit tired but my heart still longs to make equally happy memories with you in the future.so come back, won't you?

x'mas wish-for the two people to think of me

explode

i'm not being "emo", upset, angry
just stuff that keep running around in my mind n really need to vomit out

earlier in the week.a grp of friends n i were talking about how time does not really mean quality in relationships and i do agree with them.

but what if.i had spent some of my happiest moments with that person.
and with the luxury of my youth i had spent years collecting happy memories.
with each year i shared more experiences with that person
time does not mean quality in relationships.
but time did give me opportunity to discover your faults and beauty
time gave me the chance to take long walks with you.
time gave me the chance to talk long meaningful conversations with you.

but maybe time is our downfall.
..............................................

common test stress is...........here.
n i kind of like it in a way.
it fills my mind with panic.
and forces me to work hard.
it gives me illusions that i am living in the moment.
rushing, panicking, gathering and stuffing in copious amounts of information into my brain.

..................................

looking/hearing/feeling a person slowly forget you or sensing that a person u care about no longer recognising your presence really hurts.

i now understand fully why the family members of the victims of Alzheimer's disease are sometimes more bewildered than the patients themselves.

the feeling of having someone you care and love forget you is the worse.

it matches the pain of having someone important in your life intentionally blocking you out from their lives.

sometimes i really want to scream to them."can't you remember me!" i don't need you to to care for me, i just want you to remember me.

i now understand why Mio tried so hard to make the people around her hate her.

nice people are never remembered for long.
when they die/drift away.they r only remembered as ......."the person who was nice"-the end.

but if u are mean.people remember your actions/thoughts and behaviour.
they remember how you backstabbed them in which year/class/and the method.
they remember how you broke their hearts
they remember how you refused to apologised when you did something wrong.

i wish i could turn back time and hurt those who have seemingly forgot about me.

then maybe a part of them would hurt so much that inside them, the pain i inflicted of them would continue to throb.
............................................

this is not an emo post.
do not post comments about it being emo.and other crappy lameass peabrained comments.


today i finally managed to dust off the "wonderers of the school".
just tell them"my lifestyle does not correspond to your school of thought"

god bless truthful excuses.

mood of the day is.......dull and soapish

the slippery feeling of soapy water on your hands....
the more u wanna grip on to that ring on your hand the more it slips away.especially when u try to grip it hard with your fingers.

that is what i feel today.
i'm not trying to be profound or unique in this post
i'm just trying to spill my guts out,typical me.

din do much today,kinda rested.
happily got an attack
but saw a couple in the lift that made me feel maybe the building i live in has more to it than it seems :]


was flipping through the bible frantically to search for appropriate friendship quotes and ended up finding a short n simple one that sorta fitted. Proverbs 17:17

tml i got to rush out the gift for my missed one.

anyways.

life is short
love is blind.
choco is nice.
sky is blue.
i love who i love.
and choose to stop when i can.

letting go of my wants from the past and looking at dad in the present n holding fewer desires for the future and yet having more dreams emerge is bloody tiring.

if i could trade 40 years of my life to go back to last year i would.



badly need a super good hug from certain people.