30th

i miss the past
the night when I was surrounded with despair
your warmth and concern gave me comfort and chased away my despair

after losing all i had
i thought i had nothing to fear until one day
u left

brought away my smiles and left only loneliness and i forgot how happiness felt
with no random nights and bright days with you, i can only close my eyes and imagine.
i wonder who is beside you replacing me and covering the past.
losing what we had in the past.

(modified from a song)
.....................................................................................................................

taking a lesson from joleen
you do not mix grapes with fish for steaming

i hope everything i do
is not viewed as extra ingredients to the people around me.
the way i throw the piece of tissue does not mirror how i treat my family
the way i treat any single entity does not mirror how i treat another
......................................................................................................................

someone mentioned that it is okay for me to continue protecting myself by not committing emotions until i am certain of the other party

but maybe she gave the wrong judgement.
i had already let the guard down.

with every relationship to close ones the walls are down.

so lesson 501: being emo and locking yourself in slience and angst is cliche, cindy's suggestion.embrace everyone with a seemingly open heart but attach it with indifference for the other party's welfare. :]
meaning make use for everyone for entertainment and once you are bored/irritated leave them and upload a new version. delete the old software of course..................


or can i practice what i preach?


haha.


...................................................................................................................................
i do not have the luxury of time.
we all don't
the people around us may leave us any moment
maybe in spirit/body
or simply not remember any of us suddenly.

"every moment with loved ones count." this 6 word line smashes what ever i said on top doesn't it?

why can't people recognise that no matter how pessimistic and fucked up life is.
your boss may be hell.
your project may be on the rocks.
your hair cut may have been a tragedy
you may be having a hard time.

you can complain and burn the whole town down

but
if you knew the people you care about may leave you one hour later.
would you treat them the same way?
....................................................................................................................................
dementia patients' family members
or families who just lost a member
usually cry

some for the pain of the loss but sadly mostly for
regret

i hate regret as loss can be healed by time.
but regret for a lost loved one is not curable and nothing can be done.
.....................................................
i love all the happy moments i spent with my loved ones.
and the sad times spent helped me treasure all the better moments

and i'm glad and i'm not going to mince my words for the sake of false modesty
but i don't regret how i treated my loved ones around me.
i really did my best to love the people dear to me in the only ways i knew.

maybe tomorrow i may lose another but.
at least through the pain i know i have no regrets.

what about you?

blues

abit down.

hate projects.
xmas was.............gd.then again bad.

cny is coming........
which does not bring back gd memories.

tuition was tiring.the children n i struggled against the curse of "fidgeting from too much sour candy energy"

luckily the girl has a really cute voice and and sweet smile.so we kinda gave maths a break n took on chinese and english mostly

the older boy was careless as always.n it did bring back memories of my own horrid mistakes.but he's very honest for a kid and quiet


anyways tml's the middle child.hopefully time wld sail by.


very tired of FIT
i hate osim

xmas and xmas eve......

things been going abit too well.

kinda scared.

cause.it always mean that something really bad is going to happen.

:(

anyways

spent ample time with mom,dad and brothers.

went shopping on xmas.

and spent time with lk

saw ncc friends who really changed and look all grown up and pretty.

the guys look................happy as usual

vivo's xmas tree is really really really pretty!

took some pics while looking for the ncc people.the tree is pretty!

reliance

after doing the "task"

the "task" that you would do throughout my life
the "task" that you were "supposed" to do for us forever and ever.

i realise how much we relied on you.

did you like us relying on you silently?
did we purposely made it so that we could fulfil our own wants of just relying on someone who was only ard for those moments?

i think in my life
i keep trying to be independent.
or so i think.
i keep saying i want to be self reliant and be a single entity
and friends around me sometimes chant the same mantra.
but is it delusional?

everyday we rely on the people around us to function.
even for the smallest thing.

maybe. sometimes a few of the stuff i rely on others are just to
to make sure he/she has a reason to be around me.
to feel their presence around me.

but once they leave.
the "tasks" they use to do amplify their disappearance
to the point where i want to commit myself and make the delusion, reality.
to delete all attachments to people
to feel nothing when they leave.

a glass full of milk is half empty after you spill the milk
but what if there was no milk in the 1st place
leaving the glass to be just a glass
maybe with artificial colours to serve as a simple decoration.
maybe by hardening and numbing(or so a certain clown used to say)
life could sail by but with the trade off of having lesser feelings
....................................

cindy's brain contains the following information which cannot be edited
when you care for someone.
but if circumstances makes you both lose contact.
the moment he/she is in trouble.
you try your best to help
if you can't help
you offer support in your best ability.
you try
and make sure they are cared for and check on them

you do not leave them in the woods and then only when you are done cooking/sleeping/eating/shitting/golfing/dancing/reading/slacking/stoning/painting/packing/smoking/chionging/coughing/farting
u think, hey why not i contact them?

................................
cindy's brain also contains the following information which cannot be edited

friends who like friends..
are humans.

friends who hurt knowingly just to please their desires and disturb the people around them to gather information on the side and continue to harass through smses and emails and friendster + continue to probe/plead/instigate through emotional blackmail

are

people who should back off when declined

if they continue

then
they are bastards who deserve to get their guts ripped out through their nose.
they should be burnt at their most sensitive body parts
and then spitted upon.

people who cause myself and friends discomfort
should flee from my small circle of life
their fatal infection of "let's be pathetic idiots and ruin my life starting by creating delusional love lives and then force them on others"
should be burnt after they get tortured 1st for being such a pest to society.

.........................

oh.
cindy hates "choco & banana ice cream"

my sunday

had to stay at home to look after dad cause siti went out, bro went for a picnic.

soooooooooooooooo

kai bought a marie puzzle to do!

catcatcatcatcat

the fun begins

yesterdae......
went past.
don't realli remember wad i did cause i was in a daze.

today was spent with kai
walked ard looking for movie tix for mr. magorium

watched it in the end.

it was quite a bad show........
other than the tune which was quite cute.


lesson of the day ="rings are very painful to take out"

NP polytechnic students are the leaders of the future

i swear this is how my fellow polytechnic friends behave everyday.

they carry textbooks and notes around and read them while walking.

even conversations among friends revolve around issues such as the Singapore legal system, exclusion clauses, terms of contract,etc...........

the pictures give proof that Ngee Ann Polytechnic students are indeed the guiding light to youths globally.

cindy the monster

okay i took the BLAW paper.and left early.i din complete the paper.

BRILLIANTwas being a sneezing coughing germs monster.

luckily i din hug anyone today.left the hall early,called my mommy and she came down :]

told her to send me to good old silver cross........

and then saw the doc.OMG his haircut is CLASSIC with a CAPITAL C.

the fringe is stright.n it juts out.think coconut fringe with short trimmed sides.but i think with cool specs he could pull of the "i am an art critic-look"

any ways he asked if i had enough money to pay for meduh.......i noe i look frazzled todae with my flu.but..........i din noe i looked poverty strickened.anyways.

turns out he issued me 3 types of medi.supposed to be 5 but i have an inhaler and my fav clari/chloro/zertec

he gave me a green tube thingy=some thing called flizonase(aqueous nasal spray)i swear the cover makes it look like a inflated and flattened condom.

anyways u r supposed to remove the cover n shove the thing up your nose n spray.i am supposed to do this everyday 4 times in the morning.amen.

oh plus 2 other medi syr dhasedyl/prednisolone(i think its for cough) 3 times daily=its brown
and
syr bricanyl/bisolven= some colourless liquid which has a slight mint effect.it's supposed to "clear the airway"


i will prob just get 50% for BLAW..60% for CM..........n for EC.............uh.i HOPE i get a pass.oh n i realise i love songs with alittle bit of drums....alot of piano bits and violin on the side.

n i need a hair cut...and a binder and the ec text book.going to mug.then take the test on fri.rest.see bf.sleep.wake up n see my laopo jas,cheryl,jie shi. get high with them. then........do abit of xmas shopping?then look at primary school assesment booksthen try to find time to go to the zoo.then find a bendable whiteboard for the children to use.then sleep.wake up.teach kids.then read bookssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.rest.do FIT project.then rest.WOOSH.

staring at the posts below..........i guess i just have to wait.time will tell.

oh.n dad "walked" from the bed to the door with 3 ppl holding him..........damn happy.he still can't talk/recognise ppl/move alot.BUT he managed to use his tumb to flip a few pages of a magazine yesterday.was super impressed.happyhappy

xmas wish no.2:for dad to recognise ppl asap

sick

sick to the point where i can't really walk ard.

head is throbbing.
feel like shit.

with eyes that look so clear and wise.
why can't you look at me in the eye when they ask "where is cindy"



maybe you could not sense the old cindy.
maybe i've changed so much over the past few months
maybe the scent of my skin mixed with the comforting scent of your blankets covering me faded



we all changed
i am still here waiting for you.
can you please look back and see all the pebbles of love i left to guide you?
can you not accuse me with your eyes that i left you.

i never left you.i'm still here.
my soul abit tired but my heart still longs to make equally happy memories with you in the future.so come back, won't you?

x'mas wish-for the two people to think of me

explode

i'm not being "emo", upset, angry
just stuff that keep running around in my mind n really need to vomit out

earlier in the week.a grp of friends n i were talking about how time does not really mean quality in relationships and i do agree with them.

but what if.i had spent some of my happiest moments with that person.
and with the luxury of my youth i had spent years collecting happy memories.
with each year i shared more experiences with that person
time does not mean quality in relationships.
but time did give me opportunity to discover your faults and beauty
time gave me the chance to take long walks with you.
time gave me the chance to talk long meaningful conversations with you.

but maybe time is our downfall.
..............................................

common test stress is...........here.
n i kind of like it in a way.
it fills my mind with panic.
and forces me to work hard.
it gives me illusions that i am living in the moment.
rushing, panicking, gathering and stuffing in copious amounts of information into my brain.

..................................

looking/hearing/feeling a person slowly forget you or sensing that a person u care about no longer recognising your presence really hurts.

i now understand fully why the family members of the victims of Alzheimer's disease are sometimes more bewildered than the patients themselves.

the feeling of having someone you care and love forget you is the worse.

it matches the pain of having someone important in your life intentionally blocking you out from their lives.

sometimes i really want to scream to them."can't you remember me!" i don't need you to to care for me, i just want you to remember me.

i now understand why Mio tried so hard to make the people around her hate her.

nice people are never remembered for long.
when they die/drift away.they r only remembered as ......."the person who was nice"-the end.

but if u are mean.people remember your actions/thoughts and behaviour.
they remember how you backstabbed them in which year/class/and the method.
they remember how you broke their hearts
they remember how you refused to apologised when you did something wrong.

i wish i could turn back time and hurt those who have seemingly forgot about me.

then maybe a part of them would hurt so much that inside them, the pain i inflicted of them would continue to throb.
............................................

this is not an emo post.
do not post comments about it being emo.and other crappy lameass peabrained comments.


today i finally managed to dust off the "wonderers of the school".
just tell them"my lifestyle does not correspond to your school of thought"

god bless truthful excuses.

mood of the day is.......dull and soapish

the slippery feeling of soapy water on your hands....
the more u wanna grip on to that ring on your hand the more it slips away.especially when u try to grip it hard with your fingers.

that is what i feel today.
i'm not trying to be profound or unique in this post
i'm just trying to spill my guts out,typical me.

din do much today,kinda rested.
happily got an attack
but saw a couple in the lift that made me feel maybe the building i live in has more to it than it seems :]


was flipping through the bible frantically to search for appropriate friendship quotes and ended up finding a short n simple one that sorta fitted. Proverbs 17:17

tml i got to rush out the gift for my missed one.

anyways.

life is short
love is blind.
choco is nice.
sky is blue.
i love who i love.
and choose to stop when i can.

letting go of my wants from the past and looking at dad in the present n holding fewer desires for the future and yet having more dreams emerge is bloody tiring.

if i could trade 40 years of my life to go back to last year i would.



badly need a super good hug from certain people.

low sugar levels.

okay.exciting day in school!
almost fainted.

from the normal sickly yellow pale cindy(according to joyce)

i became.

WHITE.complete with white lips too!

haha.

luckily hp finally got through n lee peng came.

my super sugar wonder woman compete with her life saving rabbit choco.
revived the white-shifty

then
she had to go.
she rushed down to the atrium in the midst of a lesson la! hah! my gf is so sweet.
feel fucking lucky

then jae rushed down soon after also.
heehee.frightened her w/ my phone call.

then gf came down again after her lessons n we tried to mug.
ended up talking abt hot -cute girls
and enchanted*inside jk*

then gf left for training n i went to eat dinner w/ jae.
then i went HOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

din mug today cause i felt like utter crap.

but today really felt super grateful and happy inspite of my scary low sugar episode.

cause i have a super gf who is super sweet and pretty and understanding
and a super gi-na buddy who knows how to make me smile everyday.

supersatisfied w/ life todae.
can die happy now.

WOOSH'

cough*


being sick is not fun :[


miss bestie n alex =[


met kerin at kap.

kap is going to see me every-god-damn-day from 5-9pm
got a feeling i'm going to get heart disease reallllllllly soon.
cheeseburgers and sundaes here i come!

my fab sat

i wanted to study EC today.
notice the impt keyword is always WANT.

i failed.

there was a super entertaining indian show.

kk i'm making excuses.

BUT IT REALLY WAS!....some guy who turned into a girl because lord shiva(shiva-ji) and his wife
tot he needed a lesson for not respecting girls.

after awhile it got abit irritating.luckily 10 min into the show my greatly missed alex called me!

haha so met her and then we went mad.
wahhahaha

i almost killed both of us cause i decided to wait for the red man to come on for 5 sec before dashing across the road.............yes i said RED man.
wahhaahaha

she n i picked up converse shoes tgt.and she got a piercing too.


my shoes do not exactly carry the WOW! factor.
just standard issue black n purple sneakers.but they very weirdly remind me of berries in yogurt.

yummy'

i miss alex alot right now-haha i bet she misses me too-luv

common test coming but a gd friday :]

todae after class, i planned to study....
i really did. :[

but slacking is such a blardie hobby.

and eating is a habit so......cindy decided to sin and shoo away common test blues by "hobbying"and "habiting".

met my gf in school n tgt with stef we went to find our pimp-ken

then jae and jeron came. and gf went to red camp.

pimp suddenly said band stuff was calling him.and so MOVIE PLAN WAS CANCELLED.


cabbed to town w/ 2js

and chilled at coffee bean.then jr came.
then chilled somemore in awkwardness and then jae left for dinner w/ friends.
and i got to meet eve"the person i really wanted to meet for a longlonglong time"


then left 2jrs n eve n went to hv.


saw ppl i din wanna see n so bus 7 took me home.

went into the study room n flipped afew pages of blaw n then decided that the swing in the playground was 100000000 times more interesting.
and i was right.spent abt 30 min being a human pendulum and admiring the super round moon.
then my body told me it wanted a bath so home it went.


overall.fri was fab.i got to meet gf n pimp.go out with jae and "new friend"jeron.got intro to jr and FINALLY met eve who i was curious abt for a LONG time.

it was also amusing to find myself and others ard stoning in awkwardness grabbing at any common topic to connect upon. its been along time since i ventured out from my comfort zone of school n outside friends.


plan for next week.mug like hell w/ kerin n jae n salny and maybe jr.etc.......


n go on a choco,ice cream, fried food ban

keep bread and biscuits to one a day.
and rice at normal human levels.
god save me.

sugars wld come from yogurt/home fruit juice and my current obession of grean tea macha candy(the only sin)


totally need detox after pigging down copious truck loads of blubber and carbo for 3-4 days.
and my body knows it.super lethargic with unnecessary complex sugars and oil in the frigging system.


that aside.i've been really mean to people and snapped at a friend.
i've also been vulgar again ......like a 15 yrd old ah lian.

i shud stop wacking ppl too.

cindy is tired n she is looking for a study toy-pls text me if u happen to see a toy that i might like

budget=50+ if its really cute/interesting.


requirement/preferences of toy.
-portable
(so i can bring it ard)
-cat related?
-no pigs pls
-durable
-unique
-no winnie the pooh/barbie/hello kitty/doremon/mickey/minnie stuff

that shitty feeling

have u ever made a promise
and then can't fulfill it due to the circumstances?

then u try like a dog and pant and dig like hell to solve it asap as much as possible?


when all u wanna do is just go back in time n chuck the promise away.

cindy is a bloody hypocrite.

amen'
so hate me




arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
why can't i have a slave in life to help me do all my work and meet up to expectations and clean the floor and cook and earn and brush away worries and negative stuff ard me.

i love living i just hate reality

my happy day

sorry to everyone todae! was in a hurry

went to school
then bought a super cute cat hp charm

its on my wallet nowwwwwww meow*

n shorts--- but according to wl its hot pants :]

the potatoe stuff i ate todae was yummy

food

i love yummy food!

cold rock super combo!

super yummy

and nydc pasta and baked rice


8th nov=crazy day
9th nov=semi crazy day


'don't know when to stop :]

31st oct! :]

school was boring
after tqat tried to mug at KAP with jae

FAILED
ended up pigging out.

then gf called
hahahahahhahaa
on impluse we decided to go trick or treating.

jae was fucking sweet.she went home with me
got amused by my angry rants abt a certain ape guy.
then helped me look for goth ideas.

lp came in her cosplay clothes and i luv cold storage!
hahahahahhaa

my blood looks mighty pretty'~!

my neighbours were great.gave us like.2.5kg of candy.
and the deco were fab in every house.

n the jap n korean ladies were super nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i luv lp n halloween n jae and candy MOST
lol

more pics on friendster.

todae's verdict=happy tired n stoned

things that make me smile and more desires

random calls from people i miss
kisses from people i love
hugs from friends
pats on my head from bros
memories of time spent with people who now seem so far away
holding hands with people who depend on me as much as i rely on them

having the ability to walk away from all this, stand alone and know i'll be alright in the end

lessons..

lesson one-dionne likes to see fred drunk
lesson two-wb gets red easily
lesson three-ppl like to strip after 4 shots
lesson four-once high,"civilized boy" wld call everyone and everything fat and bitchy in a cab.
lesson five-do not drink on a full stomach

cin'

tiredy day

just came back from Chapter2
went there w/ jae cause she needed a hair cut.

n last night jae stayed over.


haha.we din have much fun cause soon after we came home........

BAM! i fell on the bed.
and POOF!
cindy was in wonderland.

kk

time for a journey there yet again```

........a bad day

u wld think after so many operations i wld be used to it.

but no
i'm not.

i'm scared

'upset

shopped

after school
went to make a new atm card.

i luv uob's service!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :]

then went to bugis with kerin my super shopping buddy.

then salny the "new future" expert came.
then my

pt-gf came with si jie.

with her hair and nails.
haha

damage done today was thanks to
-manicure
-satin shoes
-2 jeans.
-2 dresses
-a vest
-a retro/mod shirt
and uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

stuff
weird anyways.

tired to death
n i miss my leepeng alrdy.......
:[
and alex.........and mark and the whole frigging world

shopping and walking and hospitaling

woke up super early 830am
thanks to the damn attachment regime tat is like fucking imprinted in my body clock :[

anyways i had a superfly breakfast w/ gu mah and bros n mom............
white noodles with charsiew.......n then with mushrooms ........n prawn in btw.
then congee.
n char siew bao.....
lotus leaf rice.
soya bean milk
n bread.
milo!

then had lunch at home....
then went out with lk and kerine

choose specs ....but din buy......
haha
but will buy soon

THEN WAS WINDOW SHOPPING
hahahahhahaha
omg k ordered black jeans for me online.
super happy
so DUN assume i din wash my jeans if u see me wearing black jeans on 2 consecutive days.
HMPH

then went to see dad........

i wish aunties wun give f-ed up comments then makes me wanna ripher skin off her back.

{the book that cindy borrowed is............very mind boggling.......

-On Personality "thinking in action" by Peter Goldie-

it touches on personality,characters and really makes you think abt morality from different angles and jabs you with views from Hume to Aristotle to Socrates to Nietzsche to god damn Immanuel Kant.

Aristotle's views are easily digestible but Kant's is like..........
a headache

anyway..........learnt an impt fact from the book.
one's personality traits are only good conditionally upon that person also having good character traits. However the converse isn't true.

gtg sleep...........school starts tml,shopping starts tml, attachment report starts tml,planning starts tml. u get the pic.......

bad day?

lost atm card

but!!!!!!!!
jae helped alot with one magic sms haha luv her la

hahahahahahahaha

lk helped too n he walked me home w/ my fav maid! siti!
haha

oh! n todae was my last day at attachment
happie !

n i bought a super dope singlet from revoltage guys section size M

hahaha perfect for tummy expanding buffets

jae n joyce gave comments on it.so in the end the nice "uncle/boy" salesman gave me 10% off cause he cannot find size s
haha
my tummy agrees that size m is gd :]

kerine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!totally will shop with her once my damn atm card is back in my arms

laws of cindy

every meal must have something super sweet at the end to complete the smile

every haircut should not look like a coconut inspired art piece

every bag should be big enough to store inhaler,wallet ,hp, candy and a packet of food

every friend should come with hugs

every bed time with Mr Cat

every break should end politely

every yummy doughnut should end up in my tummy.


lk came to meet me after i got off work.
ate yummy tomatoe bread cheese thingys at nydc
then went home :]


OT y must i OT?
n i din eat dinner with jae.
sorry :[
hope "W 1st S B***h" enjoyed her cherry.


no hugs for cin today :[[[[[[ totally unhappy

time to take out the trash

call this whining,complaining,bitching,etc

:] but this is not called MY blog for nothing.

to A
i love you lots
i've got your back covered
i love being here for you as a friend
you make me smile loads.
you r not evil
i've known you longer than most ppl in my life.
but
CINDY is not your fucking substitute


to B
its sweet that you think of adding to the other side
but it is not the fucked up back up option
you either are or are not
don't use it as an excuse to hide from them

to c
she may have some faults but she is not the only person who gave us an attitude when she was tired.
you were a major pain in the ass except no one could be damn bothered to tell u

to d
stop your fucked up baseless judging
try looking full of BOUNDLESS energy after spending late nights awake moving a body 1.5 times heavier than u and then listening to the person who took care of you all her life crying non stop while you panic, not knowing what to do

to e
glad you like her
glad you are trying to look for a job rather than complain.
but stop your emo shit
you've been repeating the same mistake since 123456709876543 years ago
and each time you say its different.

to f
stop pretending
it's time you wake up and stop placing pretty pink frames over my head.

to g
don't let him rip you off
this is already the second time a jerk did this to you.
get a stick and shove it up his ass

to salny,ling,mark,lp,ken,sj,alex,des,barb,eve,jo,ade
dp information networks is sucking my time,soul and life
miss u soooooooooo much
<3

before getting angry

before you get angry

think

1. the telephone works both way.u can always call the other party
2. everyone has their own lives to live.u at one point of time, was also not there for them
3. maybe they had a bad day
4. didn't that particular characteristic attract you to them in the 1st place
5. are you blaming your lousy week on them?
6. you are not a saint either.
7. ....by now u shud get the picture n think of more excuses of why you should not get angry with the people ard you.

if all else fails.

and you still feel pissed.

then

life is about living.and we only have one shot at it.so spend it happily.

pissed about those people?

then kick them out of your life. :]

work

today waS bad

gerard the smarty pants pissed jae n i off

n
main office ppl shud just burn
they KEEP losing the financials that i SCANNED and UPDATED

n i keep needing to search through the mountains of DAMN annual reports and financial statements.
thank god yiying put them into neat piles.

tml is so going to be a long day.

:[

n my new hair cut that kenji from hair profile gave is...........needing time tolook normal.
luckily jae was there during the cut.......although she kept laughing at the faces i gave when the girl suddenly gave me temp curls

luckily my hair is straight again

i miss that feeling again.
jae said her friend felt the same.
oh wells

one year din kill me n it passed super fast.so afew more years wun kill :]

p.s......................to jer-DUN BE A PIG, i was sooooooooo not trying to act chim or EMO who is the one who blasts MCR when he sleeps????????????????????

timeline

time does do alot to a person.

with time comes experiences

everyone comes with his/her own set of dna
character,personality=dna+experiences+upbringing

or at least that's what i think is the case.


again i am only ranting with no purpose in mind other than to pour out my thoughts before i forget them.

was reading a book on handwriting and how you an tell a person's personality through it.
it was a tedious book to read but.....
at least some of the contents made sense for my case.

that was when i pictured the diff periods in my life the diff experiences and the diff parts where i changed ideals/beliefs and characters to adapt to the change in vaules due to the change in environment.

i often think of regreting what i did in the past.but as soon as i can develop into the often heard of heart wrenching regret that i have often read in book and from friends, my brain takes a U-turn.call it denial and roll your eyes but seriously

i don't regret my past actions

i may feel bad.
but when i think of how i "should have" done the opposite..........i would obviously think of the change to the present life i have now or to the present feelings i own now. i then i think.would the change be a positive one?would it cause a chain reaction and alter my other decisions?decisions that i am certain that i had done correctly till today?

regret seems so useless and tiring.

living seems so fraught with challenges and obstacles looming like floating,glaringly bright sinister looking tombstones just metres ahead of the dark tunnel that i am walking in.
everyone says there is light at the end of the tunnel.well........the light sure looks shitty to me.

currently i'm keeping my head down trying not to step on anyone's life and other puddles of dark matter.i just want to keep my clothes clean and pretend the ground is clean from specks of reality.can't i just tread on the clean ground and protect myself while i try not to screw up and fall till i reach the end.

i am fully aware of my utter incompetence in terms of relationships(family,friends,exs,colleagues)
i always try and then fail to connect and then shortly i just walk away from the whole maddness of me ever trying.

is like a fucking maze game where you can keep trying to find the exit.or just press the "quit game-exit"button..most people ard me keep trying,they love the game of using time and patience dashing around trying and trying and trying to connect and find the damn exit of the maze of complicated information and clashing needs and wants of the other party just so that then can find the entry to that person's life.

i just enter the damn game expecting it to end in 5 minutes then run for a short while before getting frustrated and remain stagnant in the relationship for yet another shorter while before hesitating .......then i just punch the daylights of the exit button and sprint to get away from the damn maze.

currently i'm wearing blinkers and with cotton wool in my ears and no one with me.i'm dashing to the sound of my own tempo with no direction in mind.
so guess what.

maybe i'll hit a wall soon.hopefully it would not be as painful as the last one.because my heads been bleeding slowly but continueously from the god damned shock and intensity of it.another one of those knocks would really end it all.

work-death and memories

woke up
n i knew something was wrong when i heard someone crying

dai kao fu died.

we cld not see him for the last time.


then rushed to work
after dad n stuff.
the only way to get over things is to pretend that everything is fine.....
after an hour managed to do so


until gerard the smart boss
asked y i look so happy today.

almost cried infront of him when his words smacked me right in the face.
fuck him he knows my uncle died.

argh
then after work went to meet lian kai to pass him stuff........
jae was damn sweet she walked me to taka. n we spent............a damn long time to find the
"johns-gents-ladies"(inside joke)


lk n i choose his shoes n we went to haato atmy estate for icecream then..........he went off.....


was too tired to talk to him much.haha i feel abit bad.

hope he has fun picking girls up at zouk tonight.

yawns'

rambling.....

was wondering abt words and such.
abt private and public issues that people choose to hide and show.

the only reason why in books and movies the heroes always do the right things and say the right words is because there's the edit option.

you can always type the story click save as..then edit .re-edit and then edit somemore.
once you think u've hidden the flaws and enhanced the beauty of the article you show it to the people around you.

but the thing is.
in life.
every action and word you make is done.
there is no edit option

there's words like sorry.
and then there are options like, redoing,amending the mistakes or just plain pretending to forget.
but what about the memories stored in the minds of the people around you and yourself.
what about the consequences that occur due to that word/action you committed.
......
i know life is right infront of me and would not change just because i shut my eyes so hard it hurts.
i also know nothing would come out of complaining.unless of course it is for someone to hear and act upon how to help you to mend your sad sorry mistakes.
they say mistakes are meant for you to learn and carry on.
but what if the mistakes hurt so much that you just want to be a wimp and blame everyone ard you and just float comfortably in its despair.

its hard to stop dreaming and stop thinking of what ifs.
but sometimes i think
if i had changed some of my more "regretful"words/actions.would it have made matters worse.

when i see my friends and family committing the same mistakes again and again and again
i realise the journey of heightened despair to resentment to mild irritation and then finally to one of indifference is short and that its direct relationship to the strength of my actions sometimes amazes me and unfortunately irritates the people around me.

i don't really think any of this is making sense at all.
but then again who cares.
blogger has the ever reliable edit option.
even if the above paragraphs has a fault in it i can always change/delete it.

the problem lies however, in how the hell am i going to forget its original state and purpose-

wei ting's bdae

after a fucked up day at work

rushed down to wei ting's house.

had a happie bus ride there cause was chatting to xue and babbling to jae abt god knows wad.but i remember me laughing n giggling all the way.

anyways HAPPY bdae wei ting!

had a great time laughing w/ my classmates who.........were as usual unglam in all ways and supercute.

here they are! more on friendster :]

my fab sunday

spent it with alex.

went to hv to see her doing her interview.

she got the damn job. :]

ate some coconut flam with caramel(i swear that's the name) at the viet restaurant.

wondered ard hv.

then bused to the art house.............

then

fuck .the damn exhibition was over when we reached.

argh

anyways i still had a great time with alex.

hope my advice for her is not trouble instead.

she told me stuff that made me think also.

anyways...................we were happy.haha n i totally enjoyed my sunday with her.

we also met jolin (the hair stylist)along the way.hahaha.cause she was worried for us (alex n i)when i went with jae the other time .haha she looked damn relieved when she saw us.SUPER cute.

super glad i have friends like mark n alex that can stand my nonsense for years n still stick by me through thick n thin.

love them alot

more than what the people ard me think.

n i wld never risk the friendship for anything.

hopefully that choice is the best road to our eventual happiness

(p.s dun u just love colour saturated pics?)

yx's bdae

YI Xin's bdae party.

rushed down from work to NYDC wheelock.

the class was there.....

talked ate.grinned posed for pics.

then cheat YX lo.went down wit wei jie to get the stuff ready at secret recipe at forum then called the class......yixin was shocked to see us there again hahaaaaahahah

kudos to wei ting for making the party a blast.

everyone enjoyed themselves n i had yummy cake.'enough said. :]

the start and end of work

woke for work

was damn tensed abt going.

in the end.

was forgiven

but still tensed.

then after work

finally saw alex- the emo buddy

went for the job interview with her at some orchard plaza pub.

then she was abit high after sleeping too much.

talked abit.
superduper happy to see her

went to cine for her dinner at subway.

then went home

.seeing her reminds me of my other bestie........

n i alrdy miss alex.......BLEUGH

sunday............

went for lunch with bros and mommsy.

ate.........some super chewy noodles (abit like gum)

then went to the hospital.
played with dad abit.
then went home(Nat came to fetch us with Coco her new dog..........

yixin texted me.
met her at hv.

then bussed to ikea.
shopped ard......
bought a soft toy.and a jar of choco and marshmellows for val.

then trained and cabbed with yx, shuying and fred to vals.

then ate alot.


then we all left for home.

haha.they r mad
while fred was transferring money to yx's acct........
look at wad yx.ling and shu ying r doing.......

they noe fred's pw and balance now.
haha

and to MR. CHUA who refuses to believe that my walk home is DAMN dark. here is a BRIGHTER pic to prove y i dun wanna go out for supper w/ u. n btw the other pics were worse.too dark to decipher wtf is in the pic.

a sat with no work

mind is a mess due to 2 people.

one is making me worried

another is making me pissed and worried and irritated and thrown away.

anyways.slacked at home.then Jae contacted me.she finally cannot stand her hair! :]

so.......OFF we go to chapter 2.

jolin was fab.(forgot to take pic of her cutting jae's hair)

she did a fab job and jae looked really diff after the hair cut.kudos to jolin.......

jolin was a sweetie and made me feel alot better over some issues.....

anyways pics of jae eating her fav volcano noodles.

then left her ard 9pm........

took the train to SGH saw dad.sat with him and stared at each other.......

then left for home.

then got emo over somebody who seems to be heading straight for disaster AGAIN.