our happiness

:)
everything's been resolved.
really relieved that u're so happy now.

i'm abit sad.in a normal way though.
but i feel.so very relieved.

and now.i really can start a fresh new chapter.

Melbourne gave me tears,fears and above all, hope.

i entered with fear,progressed with hesitation but the bravery and support from friends made it worth while.

2010 is going to start and Cindy can't wait to face new challenges with "zeal and zest"(lol crescent school song)

life really throws so many experiences at you.and one does collect many memories.
having idealised memories does bring a smile when one thinks of the happy past.but in a way i know it deters me from having a clearer view of the present and an unrealistic expectation for the future.

my dad had always told me pride, determination and discipline are the most important values in life.

everything in life happens for a purpose.
dad's collapse taught me how everything lasts only for a moment.I have learnt to live in the moment and have stopped my long habit of just taking things at face value. striving harder and harder to ensure i am doing my best,does bring sweat,fatigue and the temptation to give up.but i hope with his words in mind, i wil not let him and myself down.

bro's incident taught me how.
if you really love a person, you should let them go and yes you'll be sad.but you'll be a better man after you stand up and lead life your way.

my relationships this year showed me.
youth is an excuse for stupidity. but knowledge attained with adulthood brings your values into play, one must always think of all parties involved before jumping into decisions. love is only sweet when one knows who they are and what they really want out of life.

forgiveness from loved ones.
taught me how silly i am and how lucky i am to meet these people.

friends and their experiences and patience.
gave me so much support and confidence to step out of lonely holes and to lead life the way i'm proud to be.

2010 brings in a whole new chapter.
I know I can make my life happier or I can choose to live in the idealised past and not bother to look ahead.

Life seems so short and the things I want to learn and experience (bungee jumping,para gliding,lion watching,boxing,skating,flower arrangement,international volunteer work, working, to really fall in love,etc) makes me a LITTLE bit fearful of the future but overwhelmingly excited of the endless possibilities I can control and do my best in.

I love what I have now.
and as always.Regret is for others and not me as life is short and I'm too impatient.lol

2010,will begin.and this blog with its many chapters will end here.

Cheers' to all my old memories.THE END

my thoughts for you

i'm really tired.
i dunnoe if u will read this post.
dun wanna think of that for the moment.

but

i keep thinking of you.
even when im with the guy i met in melbourne
i think of you.
n i feel sick with myself for doing that
i even told him what i feel abt u.


i thought of u until sleep fails me.
5am sleeps
tearing
cause im frustrated

i contacted you a few times to meet up.
but after at the 3rd msg.i kinda get your pt.
u do not want to meet me.
at 1st i was upset.
then i realise i have no right to be upset.u're being human
and me msging you probably brings back super bad memories to you.

i know i should not have hurt u in the past so badly

i did not leave you for him
i left you cause as usual.cindy did not know what she wanted and therefore just had the fuck it mentality which selfishly ruined everything.

but i should not have left you and then date so fast.
time cannot be reversed and what's done is done.


and now.the crappy feeling is because everywhere reminds me of u.
mac ritchie. np.walks home.
every fucking thing.
retribution is the only word on my mind recently.

love was such an unlikely thing in the past, that i dismissed the thought and chose to be the number one bitch.

im really glad you seemed to move on and is leading a happier life
as shown on facebook.
and i know
patching is out of the question
because we were great together.
so great that i kept running away.
kept pushing you away when we were tgt.

i hurt you twice.
i even bit the hand which loved me so much.
let you down when u needed the most reassurance.

and gave u so much hope and left u the next moment
and gave u so much doubt when we were tgt.

i hope.
i made you smile with my surprise visits.
just like how your roses made me smile.

i hope i gave you strength.
just like how you did when dad collapsed.

i hope
you were happy with me.
just like how you made me happy on every date we had in the past.

i hope
that after being with such a shitty gf
u'll be blessed with a great gf
who can appreciate you and love you so veryvery much
and who can understand your moods and actions
and not doubt the future.

i know i said sorry one too many times.
so now.
i'll only say.
thank you.

you really gave me more support than any other living person on this earth.
you loved me more than anyone else.
you cared and gave me your all.
and till this day.
i don't regret being your gf for those 1 year plus we were tgt.
because the days we had tgt or apart even with the mas selamat/overseas training/ndp/confinement............you were a great bf.
and the girl who's going to be your gf........is going to be one fucking lucky girl.

everything was my fault.
but please hate me for a short while. i hope with time, when we see each other on the streets, we'll be able to smile and sincerely ask abt each other's lives while wishing the other all the best.

study hard and play hard :)
wishing you all the best

cheers mate.

blogging at 4:09am

kaes updates
exams are over.
so today or rather just now i baked.
then since tml im going for a RATHER impromtu roadtrip (a one day affair)
cal jo and sarah + me made sandwiches
yurp

roadtrip ppl
-sarah(the organiser)
-bee hiang(sarah's friend
-aaron-bh's bro
-jo
-eugene(jo's bf)
-sam(neighbour in cs)
-cal(neighbour in cs)
-me
-yue(sarah,jo,cal,eugene's classmate)
-stanley(sarah,jo,cal,eugene's classmate)

k if all goes well.
i'll be in the car with mr cat.
no need to make new friends.
sleep,eat
stare at great ocean road scenic venues

and clear my mind of the sickening feeling or WHAT IF's

i hate it when i think it maybe so.
i rather live in complete ignorance.

mr cat is the only one who's really here for me for all the good times and the bad.
cause not everything can be said and understood.

but he knows

what is important to me.
what i really meant
and how i really feel.

meow.
i've got a week's worth of cindy time to spend before i go back to singapore.

i really loved the times we had
and memories of hurting you
really makes the acid in my chest increase.

for all those times
sorry is never enough.

but time will heal all
right?

love,like,lust is cheap.
fickle is the 'ever-black' mode

to think,guess,feel.
seems so much scarier.

i'm not an anchor to your insecurities
neither am i a replacement
i'm not the contrasting object of your rotten memories.

so view me as a single entity
and i will treat you with that much respect,accordingly.

:)

k.finally finished my papers
i probably failed one or 2 of them.
good game.

oh well going to relax while i can.

just wanna fly home.
will update more soon
too tired
its like 618am now
just watched silent hill and made pancakes.
shit.
really need to burn the 5kg.
i look like a BALL
:Dand i feel damn unhealthy too.
tml's quite packed.
gtg to the bank and all.
but i guess things will work out asap. :D

for now.
i just wanna rest my mind

be a friend okay?
don't think too much into things please.

just abit more!

studied at baillieu lib today.
:)
just abit more.
supposed to continue mugging.
but im taking a really long break instead.

next will be math then dinner?
then marketing note making

just abit more cindy!

the ob exam gave me ABIT more confidence in UNIMELB lecturers.
lol
maybe they are not as nasty as i thought?

for now.
i will really try my bestest :D
miss korkor alot

i was really glad to hear your voice.
and you din have the tired tone like before
:)
i guess time does help.

i'm happy with what i am doing now.
exams is stressful
but im so thankful for this chance.

and i'm glad for everything i have now.
and i need nothing more than family and friends.

:)exams do make me upset though.
tgfr
-thank god for roommate :))))))))))

oh well.
28thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh of nov!
homehomehome is the chant in my brain.
hughughugs is the bestie slogan
miss gay superstarz TO THE MAX
super wanna hold hands and gaigai with alex
super wanna jae to sleep over
super want to go on eating fest with ky
super wanna hug and kiss shu ying
super wanna bitch out with kerin
super wanna see polymates and crez ppl and ken and gf and etc.

supersupersupersuper glad i have love from friends
super wanna kiss daddy
super wanna hear mom nag
super wanna be a slave for korkor-kai onn
super wanna tease korkor-kai mun
super wanna swim in the pool
super wanna wear spag top everyday and not carry a emergency jacket everywhere
super wanna drink 70c coffee
super love mr cat

time to mug.
with love hugs and manymanymanymanymany kisses.
cindy'

exams and hope

i should be rushing
mugging harder and harder

getting the pace right.

seeing parents with their children here.
those who came to cook for their kids who are taking exams.
lol

one asked me to teach her how to use the washing machine.

clothes=all her daughters one.

walking around the supermarket alone.seeing them and their mothers and dads.

1st comes the droop of the lips.
then the memory of the expectations of what he had and they have of me.
then a smile.
cause everything is going to be alright.
as long as i try my best.

alone.but with happy memory savings.

please be alittle more gentle and alittle more distant.
for the cat in my mind is at rest.

wld love a little shoulder to rest on
and a warm big hand over mine
as i watch random channels on the tv
and share a mug of icy orange juice

dad, i really miss you now.more than ever.