What am I doing?

When things don't go according to plan, it's almost human instinct to find someone to blame.

Usually, I'll go, "Pris, what have you just done?"

This time, I almost went, "God, what are You doing?"

It's always after a great time hanging out with God, things happen. And right now, I'm a little confused. I dont know what I've done wrong. But, things aren't as rosy as I like them to be.

I'm tempted to throw a tantrum, but that isn't the most mature thing to do, I figured.

God promises all good for those who love Him. I just don't know what He's doing, though.

Thoughts, unkind words and worries are running through my head. I kept going "God, this isn't how things are meant to look like. It was fine before."

After almost 24 hours of God moments, I'm facing a test to see whether I've stepped up a notch to where I am 1.5 years ago. And it's at this time, I feel like I need support, to keep cheering me on.

God is good all time. All the time, God is good.

God moments

Imagine the occasional chuckles God would have watching us from above.

I bet God has more than occasional chuckles when He watches me. It's the "I told you that I've got your world in My hands. Why do you insist to carry your own burden when I've lifted it off your back?"

It's the God moments that happened within 72 hours that reminded me that God has been right the whole time.

#1. Pastor Nicholas briefly mentioned, "if someone's foot got healed, could God heal the knee, hip and open a blind eye?" At the youth conference, I prayed for a lady with a bad knee and hip. The first lady I saw who needed physical healing was a blind lady. So.... *gulp*

#2. Pastor Banning Liebscher spoke at Planet Shakers that night about thriving in the season, especially when it's a hard one. Choosing to thrive despite frustrating phases separates people from the rest. God decided to activate the laughing spirit in me - it was awesome in itself :)

#3. Found Voice of the Martyrs website while reading 'Jesus Freaks' by DC Talk. Constantly encouraged by the voice of the martyrs.

#4. During my walk today, I decided to stop worrying/whining and fully surrender a few issues to the Lord. "God, I don't want to worry anymore. It's Yours. You want my world in Your hands? Here, take my imperfect, annoying world".

That night itself, my prayer was answered. My first thought was, "I worried about this for almost 3 years. I finally mustered up my guts to let it out of my grasp and God answers within 5 hours?? Why didn't I do this sooner?!"

Okay God, You got my attention. I was wrong to worry and take matters in my own hands - I've learnt that now. *sighs* I'll try to learn things a little faster next time, haha!

Disappointment from my own determination

Sometimes, I wonder if I ask for too much.

I always aspire to be better than average. I (try) to settle for nothing other than what I've set for myself. Or even if I do, it's because I've got no other choice.

I wonder why I aspire to do so much. Why don't I just settle for the norm and conform to status quo - even when it's just an everyday decision that has nothing to do with morality? Why do I attempt to punch above my weight?

I know my physical attributes can only contribute so much. Yet, I want to be more than what I can offer. I want to do as well as others who are 10+ years more experienced than I am, when I've just entered the sector. I want to hit distinctions at university, and I do everything in my capability to get there.

Honestly, I'm not all that talented or smart. I'm just average in almost everything. I just want to excel. It's my determination that gets commended, not my actual skills - which sucks.

Can't I be more than a determined person? I try so hard, I really do. I pour out blood, sweat and tears- only to receive comments/looks that I'm not good enough. The thing is, people can see that I'm trying my absolute best and almost sympathize when I try.

I don't want sympathy. I just want to be the best that I can be and excel. Unfortunately, best doesn't mean ultimate best on my behalf. I can only aspire to be the best I can be, but I'm hindered by physical limitations.

And that's what is frustrating me the most.

Freedom... Myth or reality?

I>I think I may just know how a little taste of freedom may feel like...

While speakiing to a friend this afternoon, I ended up blabbing everything. Under normal circumstances, I would be very weary about who I share things with and till what extent. (the move to Melbourne could be a big factor of why this happened)

As I headed off, I sensed a significant part of weight was being lifted off my chest. It was literally easier to breathe, and the weight of rocks no longer existed.

The funny thing was, you only experience freedom once you grasp a microscopic element of it. Burden needs to be placed there in order for something to be lifted away to enjoy freedom. It's the same concept of 'it takes a storm to prove the strength of shelter'. Bondages need to be broken in order to experience total freedom. So, that requires the presence of bondages in order to be set free.

Sometimes, you don't even realize that you carry so much burden. You don't realize that it weighs you down until it's lifted. Then, you realize that you have even carrying all these unnecessary baggage. The baggage that accumulates over time. Remember that disappointment when you beat yourself up for not attaining marks up to your standard? Remember the time you called yourself an idiot over a petty thing? Remember the time where you had an argument with a loved one?

All these things add up. They accumulate before you know it. They turn into unnecessary baggage which you lug around.

I didn't realize I was carrying so much rubbish with me. Till today.

Perhaps you don't realize that you are carrying baggage. Break it in the name of the Lord. Mentally stop every negative thought before they invite others.

Do you want to know how total freedom feels like?

Clear out your wardrobe, and cast out things that are not meant to be there. Once you have a clean wardrobe, invite God to fill it up with blessings.

Technology, music... distractions or genuine forms of expression?

Five hours ago, I would tell you that music is a form of therapy that can heal so many things.

I love my keyboard – music is a form of expressing myself and how I feel. There are many occasions where I would play music till I get my giggles, frustrations, any type of emotion out.

But, not today.

The thing about having mixed feelings is that you don’t know how to channel it out. Not being able to identify how you feel restricts you from expressing yourself with some degree of clarity.

I grabbed my iPod, and shuffled through my 600 songs. None of them stood out. I didn’t want to identify bass lines or rhythm patterns. I didn’t feel like listening out for interesting chords. I wasn’t interested in picking out instrumental solos and playing it on my air-keyboard.

I looked at my keyboard next to my desk, and for the first time, I walked away from it.

This is probably the first time I can’t express myself through medium of music.

I took my iPad, laptop, and every form of technology that would distract me and hopefully satisfy my mixed feelings. Aren’t we all like that at one point or another? The wonders of technology offer us bountiful options to keep ourselves occupied. Or perhaps distracting us from what needs to be tackled in our lives.

Mind you, I’m not an extremely emotional girl. I may have my mood swings here and there, only because I didn’t control my emotions. But, right now... I don’t know what I want. Perhaps the only thing I can identify is a sense of regret.

Past mistakes and little wrongful actions have subtly accumulated into a blob. Or a very tall, intimidating tower. Maybe that is why I’m feeling rather mixed about everything. Perhaps if I could turn back time, I can right some wrongs in my life – and things won’t be the way they are now.

But... I don’t have that remote control. And, thank goodness for that!

So, I'll just sit down and nibble on some chocolates.

Faith

As a Malaysian-born Chinese descendent, expressing my faith was never a contentious issue. Yes, I’ve heard stories about people being persecuted for their faith. But I never realised the intensity of it. I was never a target.

Now living in Australia, church is a part of me. There are a few churches in a suburb. There’s always a church around the block. But what does a church do here? Unfortunately, it’s almost just a building. A building that a lot of people would want to stay away from...

It’s not that churches are doing anything wrong. It’s the mentality of the people.

Christianity has been traditionally viewed as Westernised. Asian countries had their own religions and rituals to carry out. Not many knew who Jesus was/still is.

If you look around the world, many Asian countries have different religions as their national religion. But underground Christians are growing by the thousands. Perhaps, even in millions. Who knows? On the other hand, churches in Western countries are becoming emptier by the day.

Why the difference? Aren’t the basics of Christianity similar? Then, why is it weighed so differently in mankind?

You know how we strive for things that we don’t have? Faith means believing in what you can’t see? Striving for something makes the process a lot more worthwhile?

For instance, after a hard year’s work, you treat yourself to a holiday in Fiji. Won’t it be much more enjoyable, knowing that you earned it? That’s how I imagine things are at the moment. The process of striving for something that allows your faith to grow stronger.

It’s great to see the hunger for more than what the world can offer. It’s encouraging to see Christians overseas to embrace the love of God, and so zealous about their faith. If only that passion would start here again. Maybe it’s time to pray for revival. And when it comes, it’ll catch us ALL off-guard – that’s the beauty of it. J

Maybe I should actually work on my assignment instead..

I’m meant to be working on my assignment, but my mind wandered off somewhere else.

Again, my heart aches that I live two different lives in two different countries. As much as I try to move on completely, a part of me still lives in the past. The past seems so much easier because it’s already conquered.

A lot has happened in three years.

I find myself feeling guilty for wanting more than what I already have. Instead of enjoying God’s blessings in the present, there are a few (okay, maybe more than a few!) times where my mind goes, “I wish...” But, when I stop and reflect, I have so much to be thankful for

My thoughts drift off to friendships and relationships, and I go, “Why don’t I have...” or “I wish...” It’s so stupid really. I don’t understand why I keep thinking about these when I have so much in my life.

Maybe I’m just getting a little lonely trying to walk through this life alone. And when I mean alone, I don’t just mean a life-long partner. (though that would be nice) As much as I have God by my side, I find myself continuously trying to please Him. When would I realise that helping out in numerous sections in church will not get God to love me anymore?

It’s that attitude that isolates me from “overly” depending on people around me. Perhaps by being independent, God will be more proud of me. I try to be the best that I can, I try to exceed my keyboard playing from 2 months ago, I try to step up in music and start singing, I try to be the best youth leader that I can, I try to help friends out, etc.

In other words, I’m trying to impress. To think about it, who am I trying to impress?

Dreams, hope and everything else

I need to continually make a conscious decision to keep God in my thoughts, heart and life.

It doesn't matter what I want at the moment. When God places a dream in your heart, He'll bring it to past. Because His promises never fail. And there is no disappointments when you place your hope in God's hands.

It's about speaking God's promises over your life. Speaking it out loud, helps us to convince ourselves of His promises. No, it's not some reverse pyschology method. It's just how we're wired..

Look forward to the fountain of blessings, instead of being distracted by Burden, Misery, Self-indulgence, Doubt and Anxiety.

Dream with God. Dream the dream He has for you. Soar with His freedom and bask in His love.

Trust God with absolutely everything that you have. And His plans will come to past, knowing that He's got your back covered. :)

Forever young. I want to be... forever young

For the past year and a half, I've been constantly running around, trying to make the best out of my 24 hours in a day. After a full-on schedule, I sleep max 6 hours and start my day with a strong latte with skim milk.

My family and friends are telling me to slow down, and enjoy life. As strange as this sounds, I find enjoyment in constantly moving. It's sort of like having adult ADHD, haha! I feel a sense of accomplishment in attempting (and hopefully succeeding) to complete as much as I can in 24 hours.

Sooner or later, that strong latte will lose it's effect and I'll need something else. Sleep, preferably. I wish there was some kind energy-supplying tablet that I could pop in, and operate with 3 hours of sleep. Imagine how much I can get done, haha!

But, that's the condition of our lives now, isn't it? The constant advancement in technology enables us to complete tasks in a shorter amount of time. With those tasks out of the way, we find that we can do more. And more, and more. In the end, it doesn't actually matter whether technology aided you or not. (to some extent)

I assume that distribution of technology was initially meant to make our lives easier. The increase in mobility would shorten the amount of travel time. Instead, we use that extra 20-minutes to jump onto Facebook, or run out to socialise, or walk around the shops.. When we could take a 20-minute rest. (whoops, guilty!)

I keep telling myself that I'm only young once, and I won't have so much energy in 10 years time to do all these. I'm only young once :) A minute of doing nothing is a minute wasted in Pris' dictionary, haha. (Minimal sleep is counted as something, lol.)

I am absolutely exhausted right now, I almost fell asleep during small group tonight! (which I could have made the conscious decision to stay home and rest :P) I can feel my body showing signs of "slow down, I need some rest!!", and it won't be too long till that red light and alarm would go off.

But until then... Off I go!

Home is where YOUR heart is :)

How can home be defined?

Home is where your heart is.

Here’s a quick question: what if your heart is in two different places, what happens then?

I flew back to Malaysia recently to visit family and friends after living in Melbourne for three years. At first, I was taken aback by all the changes in structures, relationships, etc that happened in the past few years. But then, it was back to embracing familiar faces; people that I held so dearly despite the geographical distance.

I had such a fun time for twelve days, and before I knew it, it was time to leave. It was time to say goodbye – again. It hurt, it really did. There I was on the plane, eating my meal with tears rolling down my cheeks as reality hit me. My holiday was just a holiday. It was never meant to take place of the life I was meant to live.

So, I guess Melbourne is home. I’ve got my immediate family, close friends, church and everything that grew close to my heart after three years. It’s been three days and I’m still trying to embrace the fact that I’m in a different country from where I was a few days ago.

Going to Malaysia was revisiting my past. Things seemed a lot easier, but comfortable zones never help you grow as a person. Since you’re nicely curled up comfortably, you just end up being fat and lazy. There are challenges for me here in Melbourne. As prickly as things may seem to be at times (a lot?), I know that it is for my own good. And indirectly helping others around me as well. Revisiting Malaysia was meant to equip me with confidence and a strong sense of security before stepping into the whirlwind of changes in Melbourne again.

I just need to know where my heart is, and I should be able to do this. J

Wishes & Wands

Fairy godmothers, wands, pixies. One wave of the wand and it’s all done.

If only life was like that…

A good friend of mine and I were having a conversation and he mentioned, “Time spent wishing is time wasted”. Does that ring a bell? I guess sitting by the wishing well doesn’t earn you a career, take you into beautiful relationships or form your character.

Why, then do we prefer sitting by the well and wait for pixie dust to rain down?

Ever felt like you’ve wished for so much and miss out on the blessings around you? I have.

For the past year, I continually wished that I was older than I really am. I wanted to be in my mid-twenties; I wanted to have worn that graduation gown and embark on my professional career. On the train, I observed young women in their office suits and thought about how much I wanted to be one of them. Suddenly, I was reminded of reality when the weight of my university books shifted in my bag. I wasn’t going to start a career; I was only a first-year university student!

Most of my friends are a few years older than I am. I didn’t think that would matter too much but it did. I wanted to have what they had. I wanted to be independent from my family and live on my own. By doing that, I ended up abandoning my family when I needed to serve my time as part of the family.

That’s a big mistake that I would not want to repeat this time round. As we strive towards the future, we progress. We don’t sit by the wishing well, hoping those coins will turn into magical ones.

I believe that there will be a time where I will achieve my goals. Until then, I need to train myself to let go, relax, live life as it unfolds and trust the Author of my life.

It’s time to stretch those muscles, and go for a little walk around the park and have a look at God’s goodness.

We humans keep brainstorming options and plans,
but God's purpose prevails. – Proverbs 19:21 (The Message)

Life As You See It

Life is all about perspectives. Actually, it’s all about choices. If you view yourself as a fool, you will probably end up believing that all your actions are foolish.

So, how are we to view life?

Life as God sees it.

Easy. Done. That’s it.

Right?

If only that would take place in our lives... I know that it’s not always necessary the way I view my life very often. Even when my heart tells me that I’m a child of the Author of the universe, my head tells me that I’m unworthy. Technically, I am unworthy. But God has granted me all these accesses despite being unworthy. My youth pastor, Liam mentioned, “We go from sinner to saint”.

So, if I’m a saint, why am I still burdened with thoughts of sin and sin itself?

Funny how that this process is a life-long one. It doesn’t get completed overnight.

This year, I want to take hold of that promise. I want to progress in this journey. Even if it means to truly let go of what you have, to place it in the Potter’s hand. To acknowledge that your life is not yours to control.

It scares me just thinking of it.

Do I really want to let go of who I think I am? Is it not bad enough that I struggle so much internally despite appearing that I’ve got pieces of my life together?

It’s all about surrendering your accessories before embracing future diamonds.

Hello 2011, it's nice to meet you

Is it really the start of 2011? What ever happened to 2010? It just seems a little too quick for 2010 to end – just like that.

Like everyone else, I attempted to come up with a New Year’s resolution list. Losing a couple of kilos would be nice, but I don’t think that resolution will actually come to past haha.

What am I expecting 2011 to be? I don’t know. 2010 rushed past with all the different experiences, choicese and acquaintances. I think it’s time to put away my insecurities and step forth in faith. Questioning my abilities and strengths won’t get me far. I think I had enough of that in 2010.

Do I really want to be someone that I wish that I could be, instead of being just me? I rant about these all the time. I wish I was funnier, I wish I was a better musician, I wish I could be a sporty girl instead of avoiding every single type of sport, I wish I was a better youth leader, I wish I was smarter, etc.

Am I being too hard on myself? I try not to let insecurities grab a foothold, but sometimes these little things slip through. Just as strong as I guard my heart, I strive for personal perfection which turns into my biggest weakness.

Do I regret some of my actions in 2010? Perhaps, but not entirely. I can’t imagine things turning out differently than what it did. I want 2011 to be different. I want it to challenge me as a person. Other than that, I would like it to stretch me beyond my comfort zone. However, I’d better watch what I wish for. The last time I asked for that, I ended up whining and wanting things to turn back to the way they were.

I could wish all I want, but these wishes and dreams will just remain as they are. Wishing without action isn’t going to get me very far at all.

So, I’d say, let’s see what 2011 will bring forth.

p.s To all my acquaintances in 2010, thank you for extending your friendship to me. Things wouldn’ve been what they were without you. I look forward to having many more experiences with you in the next 363 daysJ

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

It saddens me that so many people act out of selfish ambitions. Yes, selfishness is part of human nature. Does that reason alone consent self-centredness to overrule humanity?

My parents and I had discussion about how banks are outsourcing their call centres to developing countries. Instantly, I stiffened up and expressed my thoughts on using our national resources to keep the economy going. It may be good for the short-term, but disastrous for the next generation. As CEOs of the banks, they earn approximately AU $16 million annually. Outsourcing their call centres will only maintain, or else increase their generated wealth.

Good for them... But what will happen to the rest of us? What about the people who are sole-earners of their families? What about those whose children are yearning for a proper education so that Generation Y will not suffer like previous generation? What about those working 10 hours a day just to get by, so that the top periphery of the social hierarchy may enjoy another red hot Porsche in a garage larger than the entire house of a middle-class citizen?

It’s easy for me to criticize others, but I’m no better. We’re no better. Why do I get excited at the thought of getting a new pair of shoes that are made in China? Why do I look longingly at a $4000 keyboard when more people are living off the streets of Melbourne? The hype of getting the next iPhone (4b or 5) seems so... selfish.

That’s the core of it. Humanity is fallible, we’re all fallible. As much as we try to rectify our past and the wrongdoings around us, we fail. It disturbs me that we are all so selfish in one way or another. It scares me to ponder whether if there is still any good in humankind.

Now I know why people lose hope in humanity. Or even the existence of God. If God is a good God, why would He allow the devil to rob us of our lives and morality? Or ‘since there is no divine authority to make ends meet, I’ll just take fate in my own hands and change the world my way’...

Don’t get me wrong. I believe that there is a God and only one way to the Truth and the Life. I believe that God didn’t bring chaos on His children, He allowed it. It’s our choice to whether we want to embrace chaos because it is the easier way.

So, all these misconducts and its effects were our fault? It sure is. Is God real? Yes. Is He a loving God? Yes. Is He Almighty? Yes.

I’ll leave you to ponder with Hillsong’s ‘Forever Reign’. Let’s see how each one of you would interpret it...

You are good,

You are good when there’s nothing good in me.

Revival

At small group, we’ve been focusing on Revival for the past few weeks. I don’t attend that church, but it’s interesting to hear the snapshots of sermons and the study notes.

I caught up with two good friends of mine after uni yesterday. And he mentioned the Azusa revival. I had no idea what it was and had to conduct a small independent research on it.

It started in a meeting of a small home on April 14, 1906. It represented a huge change; inter-cultural mixing, dramatic worship services and the speaking of tongues. (Taken from Wikipedia) Back then, the notion of racial superiority was dominant. This revival was hugely contested and represented doctrines of heresies. That’s where Pentecostalism started.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Azusa_Street_Revival

What caught my attention was that revival didn’t start from the wealthy. The wealthy had everything they needed; they lived a life of luxury. Revival started from the ghettos, the desperate, and the bottom of the social order. This passion birthed from desperate cries of people experiencing injustice. They had nothing and no one else to turn to. They needed a change. It was either this or to suffer and die on the cold, hard floor.

“Jesus was bigger than the synagogues. He had to preach outside of the synagogues.” So was this revival. How come are we Christians operating within the four walls of the church? Why are we contented with being in the safe zone where everybody else believes the same thing that we do? I’m not saying to abandon the church and leave the pastors to run it. The church is not a building, but the church is made up of the people in it. What happened to going out to the ends of the world, showing God’s love? I’m not saying that we are to turn into extremists and yell out prophecies of the last days on the streets. But what I’m posing is a personal challenge. Jesus was bigger than the synagogues. It wasn’t the wealthy ones that needed help, it was the ones at the bottom of the social class that were frantic for a sense of hope.

We’ve got the hope. No use staying within the confinements of the church when we’ve got so much to offer. The world is a dark one; they need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We don’t just hold the candle, but we are the light because the presence of God radiating from our very beings.

I'm praying for that spirit of desperation. But knowing in mind that this is a dangerous thing to pray for. Nothing in the world seems good enough until experience that personal revival. That's how I am at the moment. Discontented of everything around me, frustrated at many points of the day because I don't know what I'm searching for. Frustration leading to impatience and irritation. I apologize for being inhospitable to anyone for the past few weeks, lol.