Did he lack vision, because he couldn't see.
Or did he lack wisdom, because he couldn't figure it out.
Or did he lack courage, because he didn't dare to.
No. He simply lacked the will to do anything at all.

People celebrate choices. Having the luxury of choosing.
The thing about choices is that it's tiring. It involves mourning, saying goodbye, to other equally beautiful outcomes that could've been but never would be.
It is a loss.

Sometimes it's easier to not do anything at all.

Four, five years is a long time. Time spent covering a considerable distance. But yet I find myself in this place once again. Treading a circular path and coming full circle.

So here I am. After all this time. Thinking back to things said. Still musing over some of those words and phrases that have been etched in memory. Sometimes debating internally with the sort of ferocity that you wouldn't come to expect of situations that have since lapsed for longer than it would've taken to turn grapes into a fine bottle of wine.

This is one of those things in life I guess. Can't crack it and in this circle you'll remain. For however long it'll take to breakaway.

Retrospective clarity. Still waiting for it.

Just a Dream has died. Not one to usually be moved by the demise of public figures in particular. But this one, for reasons deeper than I articulate, is turning out to be an exception.

And so I travelled back, down that road...

Logic. We've always been raised and nurtured to follow logic. To logically construe knowledge from the world we live in, to logically interpret social interactions and to logically arrive at outcomes. And then to logically calibrate our decisions and actions which more often than not, abide by social exchange theories, cost-benefit analysis and the careful consideration of opportunity cost and sunk cost. Through logic we have shaped an environment that is more certain, stable, predictable, safe, balanced and so much more palatable for us to operate in. Which in a similar vein also explains why the most dangerous people to go up against are those with nothing left to lose. Their moves become illogical and unpredictable. Dangerous.

Consequently, logic makes us guarded, less trusting. Sometimes our exceptional ability to logically reason gives rise to hubris and an inflated ego that clouds our better inner judgment. Intuition or conscience as some might call it. In stressing the need for logic, we sometimes sideline and suppress intuition and conscience, which is really what makes us human if you think about it. Sometimes I wonder, in our bid to make robots more human and humans more robot, what will the eventual outcome be? A middle-ground of ruthlessly logical and efficient but cold and unmoving cyborgs perhaps.

I think in my constant attempts at achieving a state of supposed balance and certainty in life, I often end up going off-tangent and miss out on what life really has to offer, simply by applying too much logic into everything. Perhaps to travel further in life, we should all travel a little lighter and unpack some of that weighty logic.

So when I say one of my new year's resolution is to be less logical, it's really not that illogical.

Now to appreciate the irony of employing a logical deduction on why it isn't illogical to be less logical.

Someday this will all turn into bitter disdain and thereafter, still indifference.
Some calls just aren't ours to make.
What is real? What is right or wrong? All I know was that at that very point in time it was real to me.
And that is what matters.

But sometimes what we think matter, really only mattered at that point in time. And when we take a step back, we see the silliness of it all.
But then again what if the only thing that matters was that it actually even mattered at all.
Because then, it could always matter again.

Periods.
Periods are powerful. They give you short sentences.
And because short sentences say so little, they say so much.
I love you.
No but-s, no if-s, no when-s, no why-s, no exceptions, no clauses, nothing more than what was said.
I love you - unconditionally.
Sometimes in saying nothing more, you say so much more.

My runs are getting longer. And it has nothing to do with me getting fitter, I just have more stuff on my mind to sort out these days. And runs are the best to do just that. Which is also why no matter how busy, I must always find time for my runs. They are a staple in life.

With each passing day I find myself both happier and sadder than the day before, both braver and more afraid at the same time, both wiser and more foolish altogether. What do I know really? Starting to see how everything is so fragile, so uncertain.

The drugs don't work, they just make it worse.

It's been awhile. This space still holds meaning to me, enough to draw me back despite the clear lack of energy and focus towards the day's end.

Work is tiresome, yet invigorating.
It's frustrating, yet endearing.
Work is discouraging, yet gratifying.
It's meaningless, yet fulfilling.
You work for hours on end, yet those hours feel like mere minutes.
You think to yourself how tough this is, but yet you constantly crave for more.
Sometimes you tear out of joy, sometimes you laugh out of frustration.
Some days you just wish you could stay in bed, some days you wish you never had to leave.
Work is a paradox.

That said, I do not hate my job. It has it challenges, but so does every other job. And to be honest, challenges do carry a strange appeal. What's really important now is that I learn - learn well, learn fast.

In keeping with the paradoxical theme...

The Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it not by lying down. A man who gives into the temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it..."
- C.S. Lewis

One of the easiest concepts to grasp but the toughest to live out in life is that of "consistency". To do something and keep at it indefinitely. If only I could internalize everything to the point that it becomes second nature, effortless.

Sometimes I feel like I've secured all the gears and screws of an elaborate machinery, but simply lack that linchpin which sets everything in motion. Hugo Cabret would've found it, fixed it and given it purpose.

Xanatos Gambit.

This is my very first post on the new i7 quad-core notebook. Stupendous piece of hardware, about time I upgraded. All geared up for work now. Two more weeks of downtime before it's all systems go.

“It is not the critic who counts; nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

"Criticism is necessary and useful; it is often indispensable; but it can never take the place of action, or be even a poor substitute for it. The function of the mere critic is of very subordinate usefulness. It is the doer of deeds who actually counts in the battle for life, and not the man who looks on and says how the fight ought to be fought, without himself sharing the stress and the danger."

- Theodore Roosevelt, 1910

All too often, people pay too little tribute to the man in the arena. His victories are attenuated while his defeats accentuated. It seems it is no longer important nor meaningful in proclaiming the whole truth. It is after all far easier to spin half truths and more purposive to frame discourse to suit motive than to exercise objective, constructive, intellectual and meaningful criticism. How much awe and respect would they command if they actually laid aside all that fruitless talk to step up and take the place in the arena to show through actions how things should or could be done.

Alas, the greatest irony lies in the critic of critics, the criticism of criticisms. Where does unproductive critiquing of unproductive criticisms land you? The noblest of men or the poorest of them? Does it actually counter the useless, underscoring the usefulness of the useful, or does it subordinate you to a subordinate that was never useful to begin with.

On one hand, it affords a heightened sense of awareness, albeit unproductive, at the very least it is one level above ignorance. On the other hand, I am inclined to think that the net value of this is naught, since I am in part guilty of the charge I press - talking about the man who only talks, doing nothing about doing nothing.

I think I have been indulging in more than enough unproductive thought for now. I should get back to studying. Oh how the mind meanders when pitted against the dreaded textbooks, lecture notes and readings.

Had a very nostalgic final week of lessons. I could go on forever about how much I'm gonna miss school. And I know deep down, I'm gonna miss it like mad. In spite of all the academically intense periods, NUS was one awesome journey that I wish never ended.

Beauty. It's one of those things that are both over-rated yet under-rated at the same time. People don't normally fail to notice and comment when beauty is evident outwardly - in the face or the body. But when beauty is in the soul or the mind, or if it is manifested in one's thoughts, writing or even a simple chuckle, it evades all attention and passes quietly. I've come to realize that so many beautiful people lay quietly hidden all around me.

In a competitive milieu where leadership qualities are prized and speaking out is a virtue that's extolled, the loud and outspoken gets noticed while the quiet is left behind. But when everyone's caught up in the bid to make a point vocally, it's the quiet one sitting unassumingly in the midst of all the noise and commotion that really gets noticed. Perhaps not by everyone, but I do notice.

Some of these people though seemingly passive, do possess the most beautiful of minds. And it's not the case of them being bad with words because when I do chance upon their writing, it's beautiful and it gives a sense of the beauty that resides in their mind. If only I learned to suspend my judgment and probe before summing things up, I would have noticed all the clandestine beauty that lay quietly cloaked in the shadows of those too eager to get noticed.

So often, the beautiful ones are those that can't be bothered with make-up, because they know it's what in their heart that matters. They are the ones that aren't caught up being vocal, because inside their minds, they are already loud enough. They are the one's that aren't filled with pride, because they are hardly even aware of how beautiful they really are.

For many, beauty ought to be redefined.