hi its me again. i guess you are tired of me talking bout the same old person but sorry i have to continue:(

at times, you were really sweet and nice to me. so heartwarming. but otherwise, you are being so cold blooded. ignoring me, distancing away from me. i dont know what to feel exactly. somehow i've been trying real hard to keep up with you. its not that i cant keep up but its just that there are so many things that i need to keep up with makes it difficult. i'm totally not in control and i SERIOUSLY hate this feeling a lot. i need to feel that i am in control.

what can i do?? i dont wanna feel the distance from u. i really dont want to. am being really desperate here. but at the rate things are going by now, its like sooner or later we aren't good friends anymore. i sincerely hope that i am not thinking too much now. i've been doing my part by treating u as a good friend. BUT... ... ...

i dont know how to continue any further. i just knew that i am really in great pain and pressure right now.

i need you

hi blog..

somehow i wish you were someone real. not just a blog but someone in my life.. oh well..

i've been in much pain recently. i've been holding on to it for too long. i think i'm not gg to make it anymore. i've been strong for too long, way too long. i need a break. i've been giving love to everyone around me, especially you. its not like i'm tired i dont wanna love anymore, but as a simple human just like everyone else, deep inside we all still need to be loved back.

i just feel like being weak so that i can be loved:( the strongest of all doesnt mean that there's no point of weakness.

i cant do anything now but simply missing you every day, every night, every hour, every minute, every second and every moment

hello blog!!

i miss you.. i miss how i used to blog every other day. i miss being so active in blogging. but time have been cruel on me.. or maybe i'm just bad at my time management. you know i get lazy and stuffs, and i'm having no life now. nothing interesting for me to blog about anymore. probably i've lost interest in most of the things now. i lack some passion! where to find that energy?? hmm...

many things have changed recently. some for the good, some for the bad. oh well, that's life. right? but now i know that whatever things it may be, health is the most important. so everyone please take care of your own body ok!!

sometimes i feel like i'm living in my own memories, refusing to get out of it. staying at the happy times we had together and refusing to get out and face the cruel reality. i'm avoiding the facts, probably i just wanna let myself be so naive thinking there's still hope between us. few days ago was great. lasted for 3 days before it went back again. i really dont know what are you thinking at times. so confusing. is this the real you or is that the real one or both? how i wish that 3 days could last forever. looking at the places we went, things we do, looking at other people.. it all reminds me of you. its like looking at our shadows in them. how depressing...

alright, i should stop for now before i really get emotional.

has been in and out of my comfort zone recently

when will i find the courage to not make you the reason anymore?

pain..

that i'm experiencing right now. i've never experienced it that much before. it hurts. from deep inside my heart. that i wished i'm dead so i wont have to feel it anymore.

gone were those happy days. its like its never enough no matter how much i cherished it. even a simple night out seem so far now. i think bout it all the time, but it doesnt seem to help at all. i dont want to feel lonely. i dont wanna be alone. i dont wanna feel that it is just me alone in this world. i dont wanna feel empty.

who can i run to now that you're gone

hello blog long time no see:) happy new year to you.. today i am gg to tell you my story. it goes like this...

i used to have a bunch of friends.. hmm i can say weird but great friends. its a big clique consist of 8 people. who love each other so much that we are so sensitive towards each other in the sense of getting hurt by what whoever said or did.

as we grow older, we all changed. good or bad, its up to nobody to judge us. but our tolerance instead of growing stronger, it weaken. its weird right? we split-ted. 4-4. all of us found those who are more suitable for themselves.

we started going out in groups of 4 except on occasions. we dont ask people from other grp out as a whole. we did happy things without one another. hence, the group of 4 grew stronger and stronger. it felt like it aint gonna break EVER. i am one of them. we hid things from them. we go overseas happily without them. as a whole of 4, we feel we are so complete without the rest.

one day.. its my 19th birthday. they found out about us. the scene was awkward. it was at Ion's Fish & Co. to get out of awkwardness, all of us put our masks on. then at night we all parted. the 4 of us thinking shit, we are dead meat. how are we suppose to ans them. i forgot what's our conclusion. but we shall face the other 4 together. as ONE.

the day came... the day when they confronted us bout the overseas issue. we got all sorts of shit. all sorts of complaints, all sorts of unhappiness. they said they felt left out, they felt hurt, they felt pain. we feel them. we were a bit guilty. we apologize. then from that day onwards, things didnt go better.. some of them went overseas tgt. we quarrel, we fight, we cried, we loved, we understands, we dont mean our words. and we gather... we sets a date every month where all of us are to meet together. we were suppose to get better, but we didnt. not all made the effort. at some point of time, a few got attached.. and that's the rise of the other problem...

she wanted to bring her gf in our clique. she meant good, but causes many many misunderstandings. we met, we discussed, we came up with conclusions.. all in all we went out a few times together.. but all did not work well. and the limit came. all of us met up with the gf to have a talk. we cried, we hugged, we forgave, we loved, we fight, we quarreled. and all was well again with the gf and everyone else.. we thought so. things happen straight after.

then its my turn. i was in love. with one of them. all of us are complicated. and i was busy. with work. lots of stress, too little sleep and nobody understands. at first they compromise.. then they couldnt anymore. and bonds between me and the other 3 is breaking because of a piece of paper. i was lost. i didnt handle it well.. i was breaking. the 4 of us tried gg out once together. and the storm begins. they got something held against me ever since the incident. and we never got better. she stood by me, the other fight for me. but we got worse. all 8 of us got unhappy with each other. in the end, the 8 of us split. some are disappointed with each other, some are angry with each other. i said stuffs that i dont mean it. even though many things happened, the love for the 3 is always there even after we separated. and till now we are separated..

and finally, one side decided to give in. 2 of us meet up with them. we had fun. of course there is still awkwardness. i feel the love and the effort from them. i was happy. i miss them.. we all got a bit better.. i hope we will get better. when i thought all was well, something happens.

it just happens.. 2 hours ago. me and the one i loved with the gf and her. i got to found out they are gg batam in 2 weeks time without me. i was being hid from the truth. what was i feeling at the point of time.. the world came crashing, lots of emotional energy running through my body. i felt anger, i felt hurt, i felt left out, i felt sad, i felt the pain, i felt lost, i felt disappointed, i felt betrayed, i felt the world is fake, i felt that there's no more hope between us.. i left for home after the meal. i controlled my feelings. i portray that i was alright. this time round it was different. i'm the only one who is being left out. i felt alone. lonely. the effort i've put in all these years, gone. now even i have already known the truth, the wound is already there. and the decision is made.

as for now.. everybody is happy with each other. and i sincerely hope things will go better them. we still care, we still love.. they are like married couples going through separations. as for me, perhaps the journey has come to a junction, where the left is the dead end, the right with lots of trees fading out, or the straight where we will all continue our journey?

我只能默默的关心..

life's been good and i can ask no more.

been hooked to drama these few days since its my off days and that i could watch until wee hours in the morning. its been so long since i last had so much time to myself! korean drama The Musical is awesome!!! still airing in korea so have to wait for updates every week! i finally finished watching shou hu boss! hee! so handsome my chi cheng and jae joong! and the show is funny esp the 2nd female lead. lol.

alright! 5 more days to my big 21st!! YAY!!!