i am here now bcus i feel so alone. i feel so alone that i have to rely on a robot to hear me out. alone here and alone in the world. alone with my family, alone with my friends, alone in a room full of people. i hate that i feel like i have nobody to talk to, even though i choose to not talk to people, bcus i am not allowed to, bcus i don't think anyone would probably understand. i feel so alone that at times i'm so selfish to think of suicide, i don't want to live in this horrible horrible world anymore. i hate that i don't have anybody to grip my hand tightly, give me a warm hug, let me cry on their shoulders and tell me it is going to be alright. i feel like i no longer have hopes and dreams, and in the dark i scream on the inside. it is painful. it is very painful. i feel like i die a little more every single day. i need you. i need you back into my life and take me out of this misery. why am i going through all this? why are you going through all this? why are we going through all this? people say God separates two people to see how strong their love is. people say God put His strongest soldiers through the hardest battlers. but what if i am not strong to face all of this? this is not "just a problem". a problem can be solved, but i can't seem to find ways to overcome this . i tried okay. it has been 4 months and the struggle never got easier. i tried my hardest to control my tears whenever i'm outside, at night i secretly cry. i cried every single night ever since you were taken away from me. i miss you so much. damn much, very much. i miss you so much you will never know. you missing from my life was such a huge impact, i never got used to living my life without you. day and night i text you, i call you, i pretend you were still here for me. but you are not. and i still cannot accept it. i miss you. i miss your touch, that warm hug when i felt like the world was against me, that moment when i could cry on your chest, i knew you were my protector. i miss you telling me you love me, i miss telling you that i love you too, more than anything in this world. i wish you could hear me, i wish you could hear my thoughts. when i see happy couples outside, i just feel like kicking all of them away from me, i just feel like curling up in a ball. i was lost for the past few months, i didn't know. i swear i didn't know. i don't want you to think that i don't care anymore. bcus i have never stopped caring and loving you. you will always be the perfect man for me. i wish you are safe. i wish you didn't forget about me. i wish you would come back. bcus i need you. i need to know that you are okay. i need you to know that i am not okay. i cannot hold this strong upfront  any longer. it is eating me up inside. i cannot smile and laugh and pretend anymore i cannot eat without feeling full all the time i cannot answer to anyone's "where is your boyfriend? haven't seem him around for a long time" questions without trying to control my tears i cannot pretend to be strong anymore when i am not! please come back. please don't leave me alone. please don't do this to me. i feel like i have nobody to listen to my sorrows anymore. i feel like nobody cares about me. i don't want to hate so much or feel so bitter. but i really hate the prison, how could they do this to me? why is the world so mean? i want to see you so badly i really want to see you i would do anything to see you and get to hear your voice again. please God. i want to see Shazwan. i want to tell him i will always wait for him, that i promise i will always love him till the day we die. we had plans, it is okay if they are going to change, as long as i am with him. i'd rather be in there with him, then outside here fearing the unknown. i wanna be with him as long as i live. but until You help me, the only thing i could do is to cry myself to sleep every night and memorise his face so i can replay it often, so it stays fresh when i remember why i live with this temporary pain. i don't want to forget how he looks like, i don't want to remember all these memories and not remember how his eyes, lips, hands look like. these dreams you give me of him, it gives me heartaches when i wake up. i don't want to have these nightmares anymore bcus You are not helping me. i just want him back in my life. i feel so alone. nobody understands. my life is not the same anymore. i hope he knows that i love him. i pray that he still loves me too. i miss you sayang, please hold on to your promise to me. i'm fucking broken