Since my last post, I have completed treatment 3 & 4, and am preparing for treatment 5 this coming Monday. Treatment 3 was rough physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I've always had a pretty high pain tolerance, so I can take a lot, but I've learned that there is a limit for everything! I felt bad, there is no hiding that, but it wasn't HOW I felt so much as how LONG it lasted! I have said from the beginning that my mental game gets me in everything, so when I anticipate rough days only lasting 4-5 days and on day 8 or 9 there hasn't been any relief, I get in a bit of a"snit"(so called by my precious friend at church, Mrs. Crump). Seeing my frustrations, my oncologist agreed to reduce my dosage for treatment 4, and what a difference that made! I felt a new since of hope in being able to make it to the end!
Hope, is all any of us are really looking for right? Whether you are a believer in Christ or not, we all need hope. Its what gets us through the day. Once someone has lost hope, they have nothing.
A few weeks ago, my pastor came in during Sunday school and mentioned how he sure could have used my testimony in his sermon that he was about to preach. He was teaching about having hope through faith during hard times. I told him that I would be willing to share anytime, and I could do that on the fly. He asked if I would be willing to share in worship that morning, and I agreed right away. ( just so you know, that was God agreeing to that, because I am such an emotional person, I wasn't sure that I could actually stand there and get words out without sobbing through it all!)
So here was my moment, to share whatever I wanted about having hope through faith... what would I say? I could probably preach a whole sermon on that and I only had 3-4 minutes to share "hope in a nutshell"!
I knew what I needed to say, it was just that I needed to put it in a sequence that had the right flow. I talked about how God had been preparing me long before I knew it. I talked about Daniel 3 and those 3 fellas that were in the fiery furnace. And finally I talked about 3 things that I have learned.
1. God shows up every time. Many times we feel like God has abandoned us because we can't "hear" him. We put God in a box and we expect this big booming voice to come from the heavens and be so profound that we can't miss it. However, God is way more creative than that and doesn't communicate with me that way. He uses songs... like when I kept hearing "He knows my name" over and over in my head. He uses people, who say just the thing I need to hear at just the right time. And he uses situations...like when I went to the oncologist after round 3 and told him I was ready to quit and he told me he would back off the dosage. For many, it would be easy to give credit to the doctor, but I know that God gave him the wisdom to know how to receive some of my pain and stress. God used my doctor as a tool to give me comfort when He knew I was at my wits end!
2. Nothing surprises God. We so often get in a rut when things don't go our way. We question why and how we get in the situations we are in. We are surprised by circumstances that we never saw coming, but God isn't. He has planned out every second of our lives and every second counts! We are put here as witnesses to His goodness and grace. He holds all the pieces to the puzzle that we are, and one at a time He places the pieces where they go. As we see the pieces, we get frustrated because we don't know what the final picture is going to be. This is where we learn the biggest lesson in faith! We have to trust that no matter how we get there or what the outcome is, God is creating in us a masterpiece!
3. If there is a communication problem with God, the problem is on my end. God is constant, He never changes. We on the other hand change continuously! Our moods change, our thoughts change, our situations change... there isn't much constant about us at all. If I can't connect with God then I have to start looking and listening harder. The first way to do this is through praise and thanksgiving. This is important for 2 reasons: One, if I am praising Him then there is no time to feel sorry for myself and two, because by praising and thanking Him I change my mindset from negative to positive. Its hard to see how many things are working in my favor when a few things aren't going the way I planned. It takes a lot of positives to outweigh just one negative. So, if I begin looking for ways that God is working for me, then I change my whole attitude.
The day after my testimony, I had treatment #4...and God showed mercy on me. That week we also went to the Rock & Worship Roadshow and saw one of our favorite bands, Crowder. It was an awesome night of praise as I stood there with Corey, the girls, Clay, and Clayton, singing at the top of our lungs! But one song stuck out, I AM. In the chorus it says, "I am, holding on to you, I am, holding on to you. In the middle of the storm, I'm holding on, I am." As I stood there I realized I have made it past the eye of the storm and I am working my way across the backside. This storm, once seemingly too big to face, is about to pass! It promises to be rough until the end, but I am so glad He is holding onto me! Listen for yourself and let God speak to your heart! http://youtu.be/mw4ES27w3oU
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
The Holy Spirit
I know I am not blogging as fast as some of you might prefer, but I have my reasons. I have to be in my mojo when it comes to writing. I don't take it lightly. I have to make sure that it represents what is on my heart, that it reflects my beliefs, and that it will have a positive influence.
Anyways, as a short update, I am doing great and tomorrow is HALF WAY! My last treatment should be March 23, which used to seem like light years away, but not so much today!
My last treatment went well and I was able to manage my symptoms much better! They were not as strong, even though they stuck around about 2 days longer than before. I still get to have an awesome 3rd week though, where things are "old normal", so for that I am SUPER GRATEFUL!
The real thing that drove me to blog tonight was the message in church today. Our pastor talked extensively about the Holy Spirit. We studied Acts, when the Holy Spirit is presented and becomes a permanent part of salvation. For the past year or so I have heard lots of teaching about the Holy Spirit and even had an added appreciation for the Holy Spirit several years ago as I read The Shack.
People who are not believers don't understand the concept of the Holy Spirit, and probably think the rest of us are crazy! The on-lookers in Acts thought that those who had been affected by the Holy Spirit had been drinking too much wine! Well, as one who hasn't had any wine, or other adult beverage in at least 4 years, you can't blame my beliefs on that!
Today we were challenged to listen for the Holy Spirit through ourselves (that voice in your heart that tugs at you), through others, and through circumstances. I have been able to feel the Holy Spirit tug at me many times in the past, but since July, I can say that I have HEARD him speak to me directly. I cannot tell you how shocking and awesome it is! I want to share a few key times when I heard the Lord speak to me through the Holy Spirit.
Back in July when I finally went to the doctor and began the process of diagnosis, I wanted to believe that everything is going to turn out good. I will be healthy... Things like this show up all the time and it is nothing... People surrounding me tried help me remain positive, and believed that it would be nothing. This is what we are trained to do...be positive, never think of all the bad things that could happen, you can make yourself crazy if you let your mind to that. I wanted to be that positive person who could walk through each day knowing that tests were going to come back and it was going to be nothing, but something in my heart stopped that from happening. I knew from the very beginning that this was going to be something. I knew it because every time I tried to lean in that direction there was the thing in my heart saying "it is something, but just trust". Definitely not what you want to hear, however it was amazing the peace that I had. Given how my personality is, I should have been crying everyday, but I wasn't. I should have been in the bed feeling sorry for myself, but that never happened. I truly believe that Holy Spirit gave me what I needed, when I needed it.
Once I was diagnosed there was still a peace, but of course I had my moments where it all just became too overwhelming. I remember thinking one day, "why me". It wasn't a question that I had asked yet, and I knew that it was a whiney approach to dealing with my feelings at the time. But no sooner than I had finished thinking it, I heard a voice, clear as day say, "why not you?" And then it was laid on my heart that I am no better than anyone else that had gone before me and dealt with suffering. Why my friend who has fought cancer most of her life, and not me? Why my friend's son who had a kidney transplant at the age of 3, and not me? Why my friend's wife who needs a lung transplant that she isn't strong enough to receive, and not me? I am no different than all of these others, who's lives were turned upside down by suffering. Talk about a lesson in being humble! But I am so grateful for that lesson and for what I heard that day! It has changed how I see things in my journey, and hopefully it will have an impact on others by me sharing it.
The other time I clearly heard the Lord speak to me was the month before my surgery. Like I said, I had peace about everything for the most part, but we all have our moments. During that month, at random times thoughts would sneak in my head and I would get worried or scared. EVERY time one of those thoughts popped in my head these words chased them, "He knows my name". At first I couldn't figure out why I kept hearing this, but after a few days I heard the song, He Knows My Name, by Francesca Battistelli on the radio and it all made sense. From then on, when this lyric was in my head, I would trace my thoughts back and I would realize I had been worrying again. At that point, it became kind of funny! It's so stinking COOL how God uses the Holy Spirit to give us comfort, even when we don't realize we need it!
As I said at the beginning, my treatments have gone great, but everyday is not all sunshine and roses. I have my days that are tough, but I know in my heart, they could be so much worse! God prepared me for this journey many months before I took the first step on the path. He has provided me with the Holy Spirit, who walks ahead of me as a guide, beside me as a father and friend, and behind me so that he can whisper encouragement all along the way. As I reflect on how much God loves me to provide me with a direct connection to him, I am humbled, blessed, and in total awe. I don't understand people who can't see this goodness or want to be part of it. My heart aches for them because I don't know how they have a sense of purpose or any hope for tomorrow. My prayer is that by sharing my story, everyone who reads this will walk away with a magnified respect and unmatched desire for the Holy Spirit, which is a gift to us through eternal salvation!
Anyways, as a short update, I am doing great and tomorrow is HALF WAY! My last treatment should be March 23, which used to seem like light years away, but not so much today!
My last treatment went well and I was able to manage my symptoms much better! They were not as strong, even though they stuck around about 2 days longer than before. I still get to have an awesome 3rd week though, where things are "old normal", so for that I am SUPER GRATEFUL!
The real thing that drove me to blog tonight was the message in church today. Our pastor talked extensively about the Holy Spirit. We studied Acts, when the Holy Spirit is presented and becomes a permanent part of salvation. For the past year or so I have heard lots of teaching about the Holy Spirit and even had an added appreciation for the Holy Spirit several years ago as I read The Shack.
People who are not believers don't understand the concept of the Holy Spirit, and probably think the rest of us are crazy! The on-lookers in Acts thought that those who had been affected by the Holy Spirit had been drinking too much wine! Well, as one who hasn't had any wine, or other adult beverage in at least 4 years, you can't blame my beliefs on that!
Today we were challenged to listen for the Holy Spirit through ourselves (that voice in your heart that tugs at you), through others, and through circumstances. I have been able to feel the Holy Spirit tug at me many times in the past, but since July, I can say that I have HEARD him speak to me directly. I cannot tell you how shocking and awesome it is! I want to share a few key times when I heard the Lord speak to me through the Holy Spirit.
Back in July when I finally went to the doctor and began the process of diagnosis, I wanted to believe that everything is going to turn out good. I will be healthy... Things like this show up all the time and it is nothing... People surrounding me tried help me remain positive, and believed that it would be nothing. This is what we are trained to do...be positive, never think of all the bad things that could happen, you can make yourself crazy if you let your mind to that. I wanted to be that positive person who could walk through each day knowing that tests were going to come back and it was going to be nothing, but something in my heart stopped that from happening. I knew from the very beginning that this was going to be something. I knew it because every time I tried to lean in that direction there was the thing in my heart saying "it is something, but just trust". Definitely not what you want to hear, however it was amazing the peace that I had. Given how my personality is, I should have been crying everyday, but I wasn't. I should have been in the bed feeling sorry for myself, but that never happened. I truly believe that Holy Spirit gave me what I needed, when I needed it.
Once I was diagnosed there was still a peace, but of course I had my moments where it all just became too overwhelming. I remember thinking one day, "why me". It wasn't a question that I had asked yet, and I knew that it was a whiney approach to dealing with my feelings at the time. But no sooner than I had finished thinking it, I heard a voice, clear as day say, "why not you?" And then it was laid on my heart that I am no better than anyone else that had gone before me and dealt with suffering. Why my friend who has fought cancer most of her life, and not me? Why my friend's son who had a kidney transplant at the age of 3, and not me? Why my friend's wife who needs a lung transplant that she isn't strong enough to receive, and not me? I am no different than all of these others, who's lives were turned upside down by suffering. Talk about a lesson in being humble! But I am so grateful for that lesson and for what I heard that day! It has changed how I see things in my journey, and hopefully it will have an impact on others by me sharing it.
The other time I clearly heard the Lord speak to me was the month before my surgery. Like I said, I had peace about everything for the most part, but we all have our moments. During that month, at random times thoughts would sneak in my head and I would get worried or scared. EVERY time one of those thoughts popped in my head these words chased them, "He knows my name". At first I couldn't figure out why I kept hearing this, but after a few days I heard the song, He Knows My Name, by Francesca Battistelli on the radio and it all made sense. From then on, when this lyric was in my head, I would trace my thoughts back and I would realize I had been worrying again. At that point, it became kind of funny! It's so stinking COOL how God uses the Holy Spirit to give us comfort, even when we don't realize we need it!
As I said at the beginning, my treatments have gone great, but everyday is not all sunshine and roses. I have my days that are tough, but I know in my heart, they could be so much worse! God prepared me for this journey many months before I took the first step on the path. He has provided me with the Holy Spirit, who walks ahead of me as a guide, beside me as a father and friend, and behind me so that he can whisper encouragement all along the way. As I reflect on how much God loves me to provide me with a direct connection to him, I am humbled, blessed, and in total awe. I don't understand people who can't see this goodness or want to be part of it. My heart aches for them because I don't know how they have a sense of purpose or any hope for tomorrow. My prayer is that by sharing my story, everyone who reads this will walk away with a magnified respect and unmatched desire for the Holy Spirit, which is a gift to us through eternal salvation!
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