So we have a new surgeon since I got new insurance that started on Sept 1, convenient huh? While it is a hassle and a pain, we are really happy with the new surgeon and feel very taken care of.
Today she went over everything and ordered more tests. She wants MRI's, CT's and Bone Density tests done so that she knows what she is dealing with, full body. She doesn't think there is anything to be worried about, just wants to know everything she can before making any decisions.
There was also much talk about the amount of tissue that will possibly have to be removed. Based on what she sees in the films, there is possibly some calcium or pre-cancerous tissue that is surrounding the actual cancer. She wants to get a more detailed look at it before she operates. If there is in fact a much larger part to be removed, that would push us more into the mastectomy side of things than the lumpectomy side.
Also, when I had my mammogram originally, there was a place on the left side that the radiologist said I needed to follow up on in 6 months. Ummmm...no! I am doing this 1 time! The MRI will give more info about that spot, it can be biopsied if needed, and we will know if this needs to be a bilateral mastectomy or not.
LOTS.TO. THINK.ABOUT!
She spent a lot of time with us and went over everything explicitly. One thing that she shared with us though is the frustration of breast cancer. It isn't ever a clear path of events that follow a smooth sequence. The path is a step by step process that can only be determined after each step is taken. So while most of us are used to having a clear map of 1,2,3... this isn't that kind of journey.
So here is the plan for now:
This week: I have all of the tests run
Next week: I have a biopsy done if needed, I meet with plastic surgeons, I have pre-op
Week of Oct 13: Surgery week
Of course, all of this could change again I guess, but hopefully not.
Thanks again to everyone who is praying, sending cards, wearing bracelets, and sending emails and messages. We could not do this alone!
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Results, finally!
So Corey and I got a all from the Oncologist yesterday to come in for test results this afternoon. The good news is the test is negative! This means I do not carry the BRCA gene, my ovaries are not a concern, my girls don't have to be tested later on, and I have choices about surgery! All good things!
We have to meet with a new surgeon because my insurance changed on September 1, but the oncologist already has a call Into her to get me in ASAP.
I want to take this time to thank you all for the comments, texts, calls, prayers, cards...every one of them has touched me! It is overwhelming and amazing to experience so much love and support from so many! The road ahead has not gotten any shorter, but it sure is a better ride with such wonderful friends and family! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Monday, September 22, 2014
Tears
First of all, there is no news. I get asked daily if I have test results and unfortunately I haven't heard anything. I called today but I didn't hear back, so maybe tomorrow. Who knows? It doesn't really matter though, this test isn't going to give us any news about the cancer, it will just determine the surgery that I have. For that reason, I am not nervous, anxious, or pacing the floor everyday. I am living! Just regular, day to day, living!
There was much discussion about the point at which to talk about any of this. Not because I don't want anyone to know, or because I am a control freak(ok, well that part is a lie). But really, the main reason is I didn't, and don't, want people to look at me different. I don't want to be confronted with faces full of pity or sadness. I don't want people to stand across the room and whisper to each other how sorry they are for me. I don't want every conversation to be about cancer. I don't want to look into eyes filled with tears every time I talk to someone.
The fact is, yes I have cancer(which I still HATE saying), and it totally sucks, but I'm not dying! I am going to be fine. The road between here and fine is filled with many pot-holes, but I will make it to "fine"! There are days when I have moments of sadness, but they are not many. There are times when I am overwhelmed, but I have lots of support to get me through. There are times when all of it becomes too much, but...I have God for that!
Corey and I have started spending more time with our college students at church lately. We have bonds with many of them from past youth events, and we feel called to invest more energy and love into them. So last Sunday I was asked to share my testimony with them. It was a testimony of salvation, growing as a Christian, and the path we are on now. Makinley was present as I spoke, and watched as I fought through a few tears and got choked up a couple of times. After I was finished, she broke. She hasn't said much to me about any of this. The few times she has talked about it, it has only been with Corey. I decided it was time we had our own debriefing.
We stood in the hallway and I listened to her tell me that it gets scarier everytime she hears the word "cancer". She doesn't like that I am sick. She worries about me having surgery. There were several things that she opened up about but these were the main concerns. I assured her that I agreed that "cancer" was a scary word, and that I hate it just as much as she does. I also shared with her that I am not "sick". I don't feel sick, I feel fine, so we didn't need to be worried about that now. Same with surgery...there isn't a plan for that yet, so we can put those thoughts off for a while longer too. I explained to her that the only way to get through all of this is one day at a time. I cannot let my mind race ahead of the day I am on, and she shouldn't either. Whenever I find myself frazzled or worrying I pray and ask God to "just give me enough to get through today". I ask Him to "fill me with the joy I need to see the good things in today" and to let go of the negative or scary.
I write this blog for many of you who struggle with tears on my behalf. Please don't let the days slip by filled with tears, because I'm not. Please don't sit around and think of all of the possible roadblocks and pot-holes that I face, because I'm not. Please don't let fear of the unknown consume you and steal your joy, because I'm not. Instead, pray to be filled with what you need each day to be able to experience happy and recognize the beauty in today!
There was much discussion about the point at which to talk about any of this. Not because I don't want anyone to know, or because I am a control freak(ok, well that part is a lie). But really, the main reason is I didn't, and don't, want people to look at me different. I don't want to be confronted with faces full of pity or sadness. I don't want people to stand across the room and whisper to each other how sorry they are for me. I don't want every conversation to be about cancer. I don't want to look into eyes filled with tears every time I talk to someone.
The fact is, yes I have cancer(which I still HATE saying), and it totally sucks, but I'm not dying! I am going to be fine. The road between here and fine is filled with many pot-holes, but I will make it to "fine"! There are days when I have moments of sadness, but they are not many. There are times when I am overwhelmed, but I have lots of support to get me through. There are times when all of it becomes too much, but...I have God for that!
Corey and I have started spending more time with our college students at church lately. We have bonds with many of them from past youth events, and we feel called to invest more energy and love into them. So last Sunday I was asked to share my testimony with them. It was a testimony of salvation, growing as a Christian, and the path we are on now. Makinley was present as I spoke, and watched as I fought through a few tears and got choked up a couple of times. After I was finished, she broke. She hasn't said much to me about any of this. The few times she has talked about it, it has only been with Corey. I decided it was time we had our own debriefing.
We stood in the hallway and I listened to her tell me that it gets scarier everytime she hears the word "cancer". She doesn't like that I am sick. She worries about me having surgery. There were several things that she opened up about but these were the main concerns. I assured her that I agreed that "cancer" was a scary word, and that I hate it just as much as she does. I also shared with her that I am not "sick". I don't feel sick, I feel fine, so we didn't need to be worried about that now. Same with surgery...there isn't a plan for that yet, so we can put those thoughts off for a while longer too. I explained to her that the only way to get through all of this is one day at a time. I cannot let my mind race ahead of the day I am on, and she shouldn't either. Whenever I find myself frazzled or worrying I pray and ask God to "just give me enough to get through today". I ask Him to "fill me with the joy I need to see the good things in today" and to let go of the negative or scary.
I write this blog for many of you who struggle with tears on my behalf. Please don't let the days slip by filled with tears, because I'm not. Please don't sit around and think of all of the possible roadblocks and pot-holes that I face, because I'm not. Please don't let fear of the unknown consume you and steal your joy, because I'm not. Instead, pray to be filled with what you need each day to be able to experience happy and recognize the beauty in today!
Monday, September 8, 2014
Fiery Furnace
I know that my last post was kind of heavy. Its a lot to deal with when it comes on all at once. Like I said though, God has been preparing me for this journey since June. I say that it has been since June but I know it has been much earlier than that.
One way that he began to prepare my heart was through a bible study that I was a part of several years ago on Daniel. It was a Beth Moore study and it was led by a lady named Kelly at our church. Kelly had done several bible studies before but I never attended. I'm not sure what, but something about this one pulled me in. It had TONS of homework which was not what I signed up for, however the message I walked away with was life changing.
Its not a story that I hadn't heard before, in fact I had heard it many times over as a child growing up in the church. It was the study of three men; Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. These three men where friends and cohorts of Daniel, who had been made ruler of Babylon by the King Nebuchandnezzar. The King made these 3 men administrators, so they were kind of a big deal. King Nebuchandnezzar was a confused man, who bounced back in forth on his belief in God. He really thought a lot of himself and had a hard time resisting his self-made idols and commands. He set up a statue of gold and instructed everyone to bow down and worship the statue whenever they heard the sound of any music. He proclaimed that anyone who failed to do so would be thrown into a fiery furnace asap. So the music soon sounded and all of the people of the town followed the commands of the king except, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Word got back to the king that they were not following the commands and he called for them immediately. He told them that they must follow his commands and bow down, to which the men replied:
(Daniel 3:16-18) "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up".
Ok...life changing!!!! These men are telling the king that they will not follow his commands, knowing that they will be thrown into the fire! Pretty gutsy if you ask me! But here is the deal, these men believed that God would save them. They believed it enough to say it to the very one who had the power to kill them right there. They were even taking it a step further by saying, "even if he does not" save us, we will not bow down! What faith!!!! I realized at the time, this was not the kind of faith I had known. I knew that I had to up my game and be ready for whatever potential fires came my way, that no matter what the cost, I would never turn my back on my God. We all need this kind of faith, not just those of us in tough times now. I believe that one day we will all be asked to make a choice about who we worship on this Earth and we will only get one chance to stand firm and show our faith. Can we be as brave as these?
The story goes on and the three men end up being thrown into the furnace. They chose God over the king and had to pay the price. The king has them thrown in and when he looks in to see that they have been eliminated, he is shocked at what he sees; 4 men walking around in the furnace. They are no longer bound together and they are unharmed. Jesus showed up! Of course he did! But here is the kicker...this is what resonates with me EVERY DAY... when they walked out of the furnace they were not burned, and "there was no smell of fire on them"(3:27)
We all go through fires. Some are small, and some are huge. Some we can run through real fast and get to the other side, while others take forever to find our way out of. But once we come out, we can either reek of the smoke and fumes that have surrounded us, or we can come out smelling clean.
This is my purpose, to be smoke-free! Maybe I am supposed to prove to myself that I have enough faith to make it through this and come out not smelling of smoke. Maybe God is testing me for Himself to see if I can walk the talk. Maybe I am supposed to set an example for others on how to do this. I don't know, but what I do know 100% is that I didn't stumble across this bible study for nothing. It has changed my relationship with Christ and it has changed my faith. I also know that in the last month, as I have been through medical test after medical test, this story has resurfaced twice. That is not coincidence, that is God.
I don't care what the purpose is, or who is supposed to benefit from my situation, what I can honestly say is if I can go through this and come out not smelling like smoke, and it changes one person's attitude, or gives them faith in Christ, it's all worth it.
That's not to say I don't have fear or sadness...I do. I'm human. I have already had that moment where I feel guilty for being sad or upset because I feel like I am failing at being the strong Christ follower, but then I think of Jesus himself the day before his death on the cross. He cried out to God and pleaded with him not to make him go through with it. I don't believe for one minute that action makes him any less God, I think it proves that he was human. It gives me comfort to know that Jesus and I had that in common. We could both be scared and sad, but in the end we both know that God is going to give us the grace we need to fulfill our calling.
I know there will be moments and even days where the stink of the smoke will overcome me, however my prayer is that those moments and days are few. I just need the smoke-free days to outweigh the smelly ones, and with Jesus walking in the fire with me, I know I can come out of this fiery furnace unsigned!
One way that he began to prepare my heart was through a bible study that I was a part of several years ago on Daniel. It was a Beth Moore study and it was led by a lady named Kelly at our church. Kelly had done several bible studies before but I never attended. I'm not sure what, but something about this one pulled me in. It had TONS of homework which was not what I signed up for, however the message I walked away with was life changing.
Its not a story that I hadn't heard before, in fact I had heard it many times over as a child growing up in the church. It was the study of three men; Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. These three men where friends and cohorts of Daniel, who had been made ruler of Babylon by the King Nebuchandnezzar. The King made these 3 men administrators, so they were kind of a big deal. King Nebuchandnezzar was a confused man, who bounced back in forth on his belief in God. He really thought a lot of himself and had a hard time resisting his self-made idols and commands. He set up a statue of gold and instructed everyone to bow down and worship the statue whenever they heard the sound of any music. He proclaimed that anyone who failed to do so would be thrown into a fiery furnace asap. So the music soon sounded and all of the people of the town followed the commands of the king except, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Word got back to the king that they were not following the commands and he called for them immediately. He told them that they must follow his commands and bow down, to which the men replied:
(Daniel 3:16-18) "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up".
Ok...life changing!!!! These men are telling the king that they will not follow his commands, knowing that they will be thrown into the fire! Pretty gutsy if you ask me! But here is the deal, these men believed that God would save them. They believed it enough to say it to the very one who had the power to kill them right there. They were even taking it a step further by saying, "even if he does not" save us, we will not bow down! What faith!!!! I realized at the time, this was not the kind of faith I had known. I knew that I had to up my game and be ready for whatever potential fires came my way, that no matter what the cost, I would never turn my back on my God. We all need this kind of faith, not just those of us in tough times now. I believe that one day we will all be asked to make a choice about who we worship on this Earth and we will only get one chance to stand firm and show our faith. Can we be as brave as these?
The story goes on and the three men end up being thrown into the furnace. They chose God over the king and had to pay the price. The king has them thrown in and when he looks in to see that they have been eliminated, he is shocked at what he sees; 4 men walking around in the furnace. They are no longer bound together and they are unharmed. Jesus showed up! Of course he did! But here is the kicker...this is what resonates with me EVERY DAY... when they walked out of the furnace they were not burned, and "there was no smell of fire on them"(3:27)
We all go through fires. Some are small, and some are huge. Some we can run through real fast and get to the other side, while others take forever to find our way out of. But once we come out, we can either reek of the smoke and fumes that have surrounded us, or we can come out smelling clean.
This is my purpose, to be smoke-free! Maybe I am supposed to prove to myself that I have enough faith to make it through this and come out not smelling of smoke. Maybe God is testing me for Himself to see if I can walk the talk. Maybe I am supposed to set an example for others on how to do this. I don't know, but what I do know 100% is that I didn't stumble across this bible study for nothing. It has changed my relationship with Christ and it has changed my faith. I also know that in the last month, as I have been through medical test after medical test, this story has resurfaced twice. That is not coincidence, that is God.
I don't care what the purpose is, or who is supposed to benefit from my situation, what I can honestly say is if I can go through this and come out not smelling like smoke, and it changes one person's attitude, or gives them faith in Christ, it's all worth it.
That's not to say I don't have fear or sadness...I do. I'm human. I have already had that moment where I feel guilty for being sad or upset because I feel like I am failing at being the strong Christ follower, but then I think of Jesus himself the day before his death on the cross. He cried out to God and pleaded with him not to make him go through with it. I don't believe for one minute that action makes him any less God, I think it proves that he was human. It gives me comfort to know that Jesus and I had that in common. We could both be scared and sad, but in the end we both know that God is going to give us the grace we need to fulfill our calling.
I know there will be moments and even days where the stink of the smoke will overcome me, however my prayer is that those moments and days are few. I just need the smoke-free days to outweigh the smelly ones, and with Jesus walking in the fire with me, I know I can come out of this fiery furnace unsigned!
Friday, September 5, 2014
The Journey I Didn't Ask For
Prepare yourself, maybe make some popcorn, this will take a while.
In June, while taking a bath and washing the soap off, I felt something. I knew right away that I should be concerned, and I was, but I didn't have time (nor was I ready) to address it. Also, we were headed to youth camp so I didn't have time right then. To be honest, I really thought I would just try to pray it away. Why not, it was worth a try...no such luck.
So on August 8, I went for a mammogram. I have been through this before when I felt something several years back so I knew what to expect. After they do the mammogram the radiologist looks at films while you are there. The girl came in to say that they needed to do a sonogram since this wasn't just routine, but a doctor order. I knew from before, sonograms are not a normal part of this process. So I went into the sonogram room and another girl, CeCe, took more pictures and then sent them to the radiologist again. Next thing I know, he walks in the door. He said that there was definitely something there and its not supposed to be, so he wanted to do a biopsy to check it out. I was okay until I got in the car and called Corey. There is something about having to say things in your own words and hearing them in your own voice. It's a lot different than hearing someone else say them. They made me an appointment for the following week.
Fast forward to the next Friday, August 15, Corey and I returned to the same place to have the biopsy. He wasn't allowed to go in with me, just wait in the changing room. Cece, who did my sonogram came to get me for the biopsy. She was a very serious girl when I had met her the last time, but today she seemed a little friendlier. She got me all prepped and then the dr. came in and did the biopsy. It wasn't a terrible experience, just different. Of course as you lay there all kinds of things run through your mind. I fought tears the whole time, but held it together. After the biopsy, Cece had to stand next to me and apply pressure for 10 minutes. At that point, you are forced to bond a little! So she asked me how I was with all of this, and we talked about how waiting is the hardest part. She assured me God was in control and I liked her even more at that point. Finally she bandaged me up and told me I could sit up when I was ready. It took me a few minutes, but I sat up and immediately my head throbbed and my whole body felt like it was shaking. She said I probably had a reaction to the local they gave me. Before I could leave I had to have another mammogram, but she offered to let me go back and sit with Corey until they were ready, so I went back to my dressing room. I felt so terrible by the time I got in there that once I sat down I melted into tears. I think it was a combination of meds, adrenaline, and fear that all collided at once. After a few minutes they came and did the mammogram and we went home.
Waiting is torture, especially when the outcomes are as big as what we could be dealing with. They said it would take a week to get results, so that means go to dr, wait a week, have mammogram, wait a week, have biopsy, wait a week....
On August 22, my OBGYN called and in a very somber voice told me my biopsy was positive. I was with Morgan in the car on the way home from school so I had to just take it and not react. Corey called and said he was going to pick up Makinley from volleyball, but I didn't tell him. I couldn't talk about this on the phone. We needed to be together when I shared this with him.
At this point I will pause and say that I didn't need a dr to call and tell me it was positive. I already knew. Not because I was negative or being dramatic, but because God had been preparing me since June. I knew from the very beginning how this was going to go and I told Corey many times. He had remained much more optimistic throughout all of the testing, so I knew it would be hard for him.
When he got home I pulled him into our room and told him the results. He hugged me and told me this would all be fine and then started making plans. (He is a RED personality, and thats what they do...take control and make a plan!) We talked about who had to know right away, but decided we weren't going to tell the world yet. We really had no info other than it was positive and I needed to see a surgeon on September 2. So again....wait a week!
That week has been the hardest up to this point. I went through every emotion possible. The Friday night I found out I was sad. I sat and cried off and on even though we went to some friends house. Saturday I woke up mad. Sunday I woke up with a peace about me, but that soon turned to stress once I realized Monday would bring regular routines of life. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to go to school, teach, and move through life as if all things were normal, because clearly they were not! But God has given me just what I need to get through one day at a time, so that's how I did it, one day at a time.
That brings us to this week. On Tuesday, Corey and I met with the surgeon. He briefly explained the cancer and gave us his recommendation of a lumpectomy, which would be followed by radiation, and possibly chemo. We expressed our desire to get this process started asap and get it over with as quick as possible. He jumped on things and scheduled us for a lumpectomy the next Wednesday September 10. We were asking lots of questions about the post-surgery treatments, so he called the oncologist and set us up for an appointment the next day. He wanted us to talk with her before surgery so we would know the plan. They set me up for pre-op on Thursday and we left.
I think we were both overwhelmed with information and possibilities after we left.
On Wednesday we went to meet with the oncologist. We waited for over an hour as she fought her way through traffic. They made us watch a video that explained everything you need to know about radiation and I cried through most of it. When the video was over Corey and I made a list of questions we had. I was not in a very good mood when the dr finally showed up, however she won me over quickly! She was very thorough and explained things in terms we could understand. She was very patient with our questions. Her tone was very relaxed but not so much that she seemed to be unconcerned. You know sometimes doctors forget they do this everyday but the rest of us don't...she didn't give that message at all. I asked her if she thought our decision to have the surgery scheduled was the right choice and mentioned genetic testing. She went into that saying that it was definitely something to consider. She decided quickly that she wanted me to see a Medical Oncologist. At this point I stopped her and politely said, "if you don't mind me asking, what are you? I thought you were the oncologist". She smiled and explained that she was the Radiation Oncologist but the Medical Oncologist would be the one to do genetic testing and any chemo or hormone therapies. She said she had a partner in Dallas she wanted us to see the following morning, Thursday. We left her office and went straight to church. It was a good way to wrap up the day, worshiping the only One who can save me from all of this, but to say Corey and I were exhausted is the understatement of the year! Mentally, emotionally, physically, we were spent! We fell into the bed that night and Im not sure we moved until the alarm the next morning.
So Thursday we found ourselves in yet another doctor office. They got us back quickly and we met our Medical Oncologist. Corey and I both loved him right away! He used the paper on the exam table to breakdown each part of my pathology report from my biopsy, and being a visual person, this was awesome! I even took a picture of it on my phone because I understood everything so much better by looking at it written out piece by piece. At the end of our meeting it was decided that I should have the genetic BRCA test done. This is a test that tells you if you carry the gene that causes breast cancer. If I carry it, there is like an 85% chance that this will come back with a lumpectomy. So if this test comes back positive than the best option is to have a double mastectomy. I only want to do this once,( Hell, I don't want to do it at all) so it is worth waiting to do it right. So I had bloodwork done and it will take 1-3 weeks for it to come back. There is only 1 place in the nation that processes this test and since Angelina Jolee had this done a few years back, they are swamped.
So that's where were are, waiting for a week....or 3! So that means that my surgery has been postponed for now.
This post does not reflect the emotional side of the past month. I can't possibly put all of that in this post, but I have been keeping a journal and have it recorded. I will begin to share parts of that and try to keep things up to date moving forward.
There is much uncertainty in each day right now...but there are some things I know to be certain.
1: I will live through this. Fortunately we live in a time where women beat this everyday! I am glad that technology, doctors, and medicine has advanced so much in the last 10 years so that I can have that confidence.
2: I am loved and supported by many! I knew I had the most loving family and friends, but I think you can never truly comprehend that until you have to face a giant, like this. So many of you are checking on me, encouraging me, helping me, praying for me, and setting up things for the future to make things easier and I cannot express my gratitude for that. One reason that I am going to post to this blog is so that all of you who want the latest updates can follow them on here because I cannot possible keep up with texting updates out! There are too many of you to count!
3: I have a God who loves me and is with me each step of every day. While I get mad about this situation often, it is never directed at God. How could I be mad at the ONE who will save me and lead me out of this terrible mess? I praise Him everyday for all that He continues to do for me and the love He shows me through His word and the people He surrounds me with. I know that there is purpose to me going through this "fire". I know that He will give me the grace I need to get through each day, even though I know I may not always be able to reflect it, He gives it.
So, there it is... and that's where we are. Again, thank you all for the prayers, but don't stop now! Keep praying! The focus right now is pray that I don't carry this gene, pray that things will get easier, pray that our family will continue to be a light, even though we feel like we are living in the dark!
In June, while taking a bath and washing the soap off, I felt something. I knew right away that I should be concerned, and I was, but I didn't have time (nor was I ready) to address it. Also, we were headed to youth camp so I didn't have time right then. To be honest, I really thought I would just try to pray it away. Why not, it was worth a try...no such luck.
So on August 8, I went for a mammogram. I have been through this before when I felt something several years back so I knew what to expect. After they do the mammogram the radiologist looks at films while you are there. The girl came in to say that they needed to do a sonogram since this wasn't just routine, but a doctor order. I knew from before, sonograms are not a normal part of this process. So I went into the sonogram room and another girl, CeCe, took more pictures and then sent them to the radiologist again. Next thing I know, he walks in the door. He said that there was definitely something there and its not supposed to be, so he wanted to do a biopsy to check it out. I was okay until I got in the car and called Corey. There is something about having to say things in your own words and hearing them in your own voice. It's a lot different than hearing someone else say them. They made me an appointment for the following week.
Fast forward to the next Friday, August 15, Corey and I returned to the same place to have the biopsy. He wasn't allowed to go in with me, just wait in the changing room. Cece, who did my sonogram came to get me for the biopsy. She was a very serious girl when I had met her the last time, but today she seemed a little friendlier. She got me all prepped and then the dr. came in and did the biopsy. It wasn't a terrible experience, just different. Of course as you lay there all kinds of things run through your mind. I fought tears the whole time, but held it together. After the biopsy, Cece had to stand next to me and apply pressure for 10 minutes. At that point, you are forced to bond a little! So she asked me how I was with all of this, and we talked about how waiting is the hardest part. She assured me God was in control and I liked her even more at that point. Finally she bandaged me up and told me I could sit up when I was ready. It took me a few minutes, but I sat up and immediately my head throbbed and my whole body felt like it was shaking. She said I probably had a reaction to the local they gave me. Before I could leave I had to have another mammogram, but she offered to let me go back and sit with Corey until they were ready, so I went back to my dressing room. I felt so terrible by the time I got in there that once I sat down I melted into tears. I think it was a combination of meds, adrenaline, and fear that all collided at once. After a few minutes they came and did the mammogram and we went home.
Waiting is torture, especially when the outcomes are as big as what we could be dealing with. They said it would take a week to get results, so that means go to dr, wait a week, have mammogram, wait a week, have biopsy, wait a week....
On August 22, my OBGYN called and in a very somber voice told me my biopsy was positive. I was with Morgan in the car on the way home from school so I had to just take it and not react. Corey called and said he was going to pick up Makinley from volleyball, but I didn't tell him. I couldn't talk about this on the phone. We needed to be together when I shared this with him.
At this point I will pause and say that I didn't need a dr to call and tell me it was positive. I already knew. Not because I was negative or being dramatic, but because God had been preparing me since June. I knew from the very beginning how this was going to go and I told Corey many times. He had remained much more optimistic throughout all of the testing, so I knew it would be hard for him.
When he got home I pulled him into our room and told him the results. He hugged me and told me this would all be fine and then started making plans. (He is a RED personality, and thats what they do...take control and make a plan!) We talked about who had to know right away, but decided we weren't going to tell the world yet. We really had no info other than it was positive and I needed to see a surgeon on September 2. So again....wait a week!
That week has been the hardest up to this point. I went through every emotion possible. The Friday night I found out I was sad. I sat and cried off and on even though we went to some friends house. Saturday I woke up mad. Sunday I woke up with a peace about me, but that soon turned to stress once I realized Monday would bring regular routines of life. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to go to school, teach, and move through life as if all things were normal, because clearly they were not! But God has given me just what I need to get through one day at a time, so that's how I did it, one day at a time.
That brings us to this week. On Tuesday, Corey and I met with the surgeon. He briefly explained the cancer and gave us his recommendation of a lumpectomy, which would be followed by radiation, and possibly chemo. We expressed our desire to get this process started asap and get it over with as quick as possible. He jumped on things and scheduled us for a lumpectomy the next Wednesday September 10. We were asking lots of questions about the post-surgery treatments, so he called the oncologist and set us up for an appointment the next day. He wanted us to talk with her before surgery so we would know the plan. They set me up for pre-op on Thursday and we left.
I think we were both overwhelmed with information and possibilities after we left.
On Wednesday we went to meet with the oncologist. We waited for over an hour as she fought her way through traffic. They made us watch a video that explained everything you need to know about radiation and I cried through most of it. When the video was over Corey and I made a list of questions we had. I was not in a very good mood when the dr finally showed up, however she won me over quickly! She was very thorough and explained things in terms we could understand. She was very patient with our questions. Her tone was very relaxed but not so much that she seemed to be unconcerned. You know sometimes doctors forget they do this everyday but the rest of us don't...she didn't give that message at all. I asked her if she thought our decision to have the surgery scheduled was the right choice and mentioned genetic testing. She went into that saying that it was definitely something to consider. She decided quickly that she wanted me to see a Medical Oncologist. At this point I stopped her and politely said, "if you don't mind me asking, what are you? I thought you were the oncologist". She smiled and explained that she was the Radiation Oncologist but the Medical Oncologist would be the one to do genetic testing and any chemo or hormone therapies. She said she had a partner in Dallas she wanted us to see the following morning, Thursday. We left her office and went straight to church. It was a good way to wrap up the day, worshiping the only One who can save me from all of this, but to say Corey and I were exhausted is the understatement of the year! Mentally, emotionally, physically, we were spent! We fell into the bed that night and Im not sure we moved until the alarm the next morning.
So Thursday we found ourselves in yet another doctor office. They got us back quickly and we met our Medical Oncologist. Corey and I both loved him right away! He used the paper on the exam table to breakdown each part of my pathology report from my biopsy, and being a visual person, this was awesome! I even took a picture of it on my phone because I understood everything so much better by looking at it written out piece by piece. At the end of our meeting it was decided that I should have the genetic BRCA test done. This is a test that tells you if you carry the gene that causes breast cancer. If I carry it, there is like an 85% chance that this will come back with a lumpectomy. So if this test comes back positive than the best option is to have a double mastectomy. I only want to do this once,( Hell, I don't want to do it at all) so it is worth waiting to do it right. So I had bloodwork done and it will take 1-3 weeks for it to come back. There is only 1 place in the nation that processes this test and since Angelina Jolee had this done a few years back, they are swamped.
So that's where were are, waiting for a week....or 3! So that means that my surgery has been postponed for now.
This post does not reflect the emotional side of the past month. I can't possibly put all of that in this post, but I have been keeping a journal and have it recorded. I will begin to share parts of that and try to keep things up to date moving forward.
There is much uncertainty in each day right now...but there are some things I know to be certain.
1: I will live through this. Fortunately we live in a time where women beat this everyday! I am glad that technology, doctors, and medicine has advanced so much in the last 10 years so that I can have that confidence.
2: I am loved and supported by many! I knew I had the most loving family and friends, but I think you can never truly comprehend that until you have to face a giant, like this. So many of you are checking on me, encouraging me, helping me, praying for me, and setting up things for the future to make things easier and I cannot express my gratitude for that. One reason that I am going to post to this blog is so that all of you who want the latest updates can follow them on here because I cannot possible keep up with texting updates out! There are too many of you to count!
3: I have a God who loves me and is with me each step of every day. While I get mad about this situation often, it is never directed at God. How could I be mad at the ONE who will save me and lead me out of this terrible mess? I praise Him everyday for all that He continues to do for me and the love He shows me through His word and the people He surrounds me with. I know that there is purpose to me going through this "fire". I know that He will give me the grace I need to get through each day, even though I know I may not always be able to reflect it, He gives it.
So, there it is... and that's where we are. Again, thank you all for the prayers, but don't stop now! Keep praying! The focus right now is pray that I don't carry this gene, pray that things will get easier, pray that our family will continue to be a light, even though we feel like we are living in the dark!
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