Corey

I haven't given the proper, or due, acknowledgements to Corey and his role in all of this.  It is a rough place to be, the spouse of the patient.  I know that the perception is that he is a supporting character, when in reality, he has a main character role as much as I do.  He has been there for every appointment, every tear, every ache and pain, every report, everything...day in and day out.  When others get to go about their normal lives and just check in on us, he has to go about his normal life of work AND deal with all of these things.
Life with me is not easy.  There is a lot to keep up with.  Medicines, appointment times, treatment times, multiple doctors, notes from visits, not to mention the game of emotional roulette that gets played everyday.  Some days we rock through all of this with no waves, but other days, it is rough!
I know that when we got married, we repeated vows that cover all of these things, but as you stand there and say them, you never imagine that you will have to live them out.  You are young and invisible.  Then one day you wake up and the game is on!  Corey has lived out every one of those words he said to me 16 years ago.  And he doesn't do it out of obligation, he does it out of love.  Even when it is stressful, or will add frustration to his day, he puts me first.  I know it, I can count on it, and I don't thank him enough for it!
Corey,
There is no way I could do this without you!  You keep me grounded when my thoughts take flight, moving forward when I want to sit down and quit, and you hold me when I crumble.  I'm sorry that you have to do all of this, but I am blessed and forever grateful that God put you on this journey with me!  I don't have a lot to offer you, except to promise you that I will keep fighting.  I will continue on the path God has put us on together, and trust in his plan for our lives.
Thank you for all you do each and every day!  I truly hope that I will never have to repay you for all you have done, but know that if given the chance, I would a thousand times over!
I love you...more!

A Change at Christmas

So we all have memories of the perfect Christmas.  As December rolls around the Christmas spirit creeps in and we start watching Christmas movies, looking forward to no school, and baking so many treats, there is no way anyone will eat them all.  We all have an idea of what December should look like as we lead up to Christmas.  Unfortunately, there are times when the ideas and plans that we envision about something, get changed.  Change....we all hate it.  If it didn't have 6 letters, it would be the worst 5 letter word you could think of!
For us the change wasn't just Christmas, its been the whole last 4 months.  None of what we have done in the last 4 months was on our radar.  But as Christmas began to roll in, and schedules for chemo treatments began to be made, we were soon fearful that even Christmas wouldn't be the same.
December started with me getting my port put in on the 1st.  It was a small, quick, home-by-lunch surgery, but a surgery none the less.  I went back to work the next day and worked all week.  I was super tired, and on guard not to get hit or squeezed, but made it through the week fine.
The second week of December, was when chemo started.  December 8. Despite my nervousness, I slept great.  
One thing that was super important was that I get the right amount of numbing cream on my port at the right time so that it wouldn't hurt when they accessed it.  Even a week after getting it put in, my port was still VERY sore.  So the cream was essential!
We had to be there by 10am. Kim came over and rode with us, as she was going to be trained by Lizzy, the ColdCaps lady on how that would all work. Once we got there we realized, Mondays are a busy chemo day!  We sat in the waiting area for about 40 minutes before they ever called us back.  I began to worry that my numbing cream wasn't working, or it was going to wear off by the time we got started.  We tried to ask the nurse about it and he popped off with a comment about how all my family was making me anxious and I would be fine.  At this point the tears came, but just for a minute.  He was wrong...my family wasn't doing anything to make me anxious! I was anxious because he was going to stick a needle into the most tender place on my body at that point and I wanted to know that it was going to be numb!(I'm yelling these words at him in my mind, just so you know!) So, we put more cream on and hoped for the best....and wished we were back at Baylor Waxahachie!
Now, I will say we overwhelmed the staff there when we came in with all of our bags, and blankets and our ice chest full of ChemoCaps!  We were quite the spectacle!  And, in their defense, it had not been properly communicated to this end of the building that we were coming with so much stuff and so many people!  The chemo rules clearly state only 1 person can be in there with the patient, and I had 3:)  They didn't like that much, but we all made some concessions and agreed to play nice, and worked it all out.
So they got my port going and started the drip and all was good.  I didn't feel a thing.  The ChemoCaps weren't bad either.  The first one was super cold and gave me a headache but only for a minute or 2.  The worst part about those are the strap that has to go under your chin to cinch it down. Now the rest of me was super cold, but I took my heated blanket and a fleece blanket to go over that, so I was just fine:)  Im pretty sure everyone else in there thought I was CRAZY! One guy asked if I was getting my hair done...Why yes I was!  
We were there until 4:00, a little longer the first day than other days will be.  I never felt bad while getting the "poison" and I felt fine when I went home.  I went to work the next day and worked all week.  However by Thursday I started to feel the side effects.  I was nauseated, even though I was taking Zofran,  I had the chills, my body ached, I had no appetite, my tongue was numb, nothing had flavor and my insides just burned.  Friday was mostly the same.  Saturday, I didn't feel good when I got up but by about 2:00 we decided to go shopping.  We over did it that day and stayed out until 11:00...bad idea!  I had a meltdown when we got home because everything in my body hurt and burned.  It was bad.  I began to wonder if this was what the entire 18 weeks was going to be like!  That's the thing about the first round, no one can tell you what is going to happen or how long it will last, because everyone is different. Sunday morning we got up and went to church, even though I still felt and looked like death!  I went to bed worried about how I was going to make it through school the next day.
Monday I woke up a new person!  I felt good!  I still didn't have much of an appetite but I could work around that!  That day was the last day of school before Christmas break, and the beginning to each day getting better. I still had to go every Monday for my Herceptin, but that doesn't have the side effects Big chemo has.  
By the time Christmas week rolled around I was feeling pretty normal and could savor spending time with family and celebrating the birth of the Savior who saves me every day! I was fortunate to get to teach our Sunday school lesson the week of Christmas.  It was about change and how without change there would be no Christmas story.  The lesson focused on Joseph and the change that he had to go through.  Here was a young, teenage boy, legally engaged to a girl, who is pregnant.  Joseph knows he isn't the father, so what is he to believe?  In this day, it would be reason to have Mary Stoned to her death.  But God sends an angel to assure Joseph that Mary has been faithful and to tell him the Good News!  Joseph was going to be the father of Jesus Christ, who would save the entire world from their sins!  But I'm guessing he was still a little stressed out and overwhelmed by this news.  I have a feeling that he still second guessed, and wondered why him?!  
But Joseph believed the message that God sent, and followed the plan laid out for him.  Even though there were hard days ahead, Joseph trusted that each day God was going to show up and lead the way.  
As we deal with our own daily changes(big and small), We have a choice to make.  We can doubt, be mad, and wallow in our pity and pain, or we can have the trust of Joseph, that God will show up each day with His perfect plan.  I choose to find comfort in this change so many years ago, that inconvenienced many people, yet occurred so that we could be forgiven, saved, and promised an eternity with the One who started it all!  My prayer is that you can too!

Post Surgery Update

I have written about 5 posts and keep deleting them because i just can't get it where I want it to go.  But I will try yet again, and hopefully it won't be a novel!
Surgery has come and gone.  It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Yes, I felt like a truck had driven through my body, but overall I thought the pain would be much more intense than it was.  That's not to say there wasn't, or isn't pain, but its just pressure, tightness, lack of mobility, and annoying pains.  I only stayed in the hospital overnight and on prescription pain meds 1 day after coming home.  I just couldn't handle feeling like I was coming in and out of the real world, so I switched to Advil and felt much better!
There were so many people at the hospital and at home during that first week.  The hospital is a little foggy but I do remember all of the people who came by, sent flowers, or brought food.  Then when we got home there were people here constantly.  People dropping off food, or bringing baskets of goodies, or just coming to visit.  It was overwhelming how many people stopped what they were doing to check on us or provide us with things to get us through the upcoming weeks.  These people would be family, friends, church friends, college kids, and many others.  Our family has never been so surrounded with love and prayer!  We cherish each person who has sent a card, texted, emailed, called, stopped by, brought food or other stuff, picked up our kids, and especially prayed for us.  There is no way that we could get through a single day without all of these people in our lives, that we continue to be blessed by!
So when I came home, I came with 4 drains attached to my sides.  After the first week, I got 3 of them out.  However, even today, 19 days later, I still have 1.  There have been more tears shed over these stupid drains than any other part of this surgery, I think!  There is nothing pleasant about them. They hurt, they are in the way, they are claustrophobic.  I have been to the doctor twice, thinking I would come out drain-free, and have been let down both times.  I keep telling Corey, there is a lesson that God is trying to teach me with this last drain, and I'm hoping to learn it soon!  Maybe by the end of this week drains can be just a memory???
We went and saw the surgeon and the oncologist last week.  They both spent lots of time going over the pathology of what they removed and the plan going forward.  Hold on, cause it's A LOT!
The tumor itself was not considered to be that big, but there was a lot of surrounding tissue that was involved and had pre-cancerous cells in it.  Also, they removed all of the lymph nodes under my right arm and 4/15 tested positive. That sounds pretty good, but just the fact that they were involved at all is no bueno.  They staged me as a 3.  Corey asked the oncologist if what they found was what they had anticipated and he said for the most part, however he was not expecting it to be in my lymph nodes.
So here is the plan... December 8th I will begin chemo.  I will be given TCH, which is a 3 drug chemo combo.  I will have this "big" chemo every 3 weeks for 18 weeks.  It will take 3-4 hours.  On the other weeks in between, I will have just the H part of the chemo, or "little" chemo.  That will only take 1 hour or so.  After I finish the 18 weeks of chemo, then I will have 6 1/2 weeks of radiation, while continuing the "little" chemo treatments.  Radiation will be 5 days a week for about 20 minutes or so.  I will also begin taking an estrogen blocker pill, which I will continue for at least 5 years.  The kind of cancer cells that I had were estrogen positive, which means they attach themselves to estrogen and grow faster, so I have to block the estrogen in my body from getting anywhere.  After, radiation I will continue the "little" chemo for a few more weeks, and then I can finish my reconstruction surgery. And now, take a moment to breathe!  I told you it was a lot!
Many people have asked about me losing my hair.  This is a big concern with the kids I work with at school.  That's one of the first things they want to know.  I was told about these caps that you can wear on the day of chemo that will help avoid losing your hair.  The caps are kept in dry ice until you put them on, so they are SUPER cold!  The cold temps constrict the the blood vessels in the scalp that would normally carry the chemo to the hair follicles, preventing it from affecting the hair.  You can read more about it a www.chemocoldcaps.com. There aren't many who have heard of it, but we have  friend who's cousin has used them and now works for the company, so we are going to try it and see how it works!
I guess that is about all we know for now.  We continue to take things one day at a time and try to limit the overwhelmed feelings.  Please continue to pray for us as we go through the months ahead.  Pray for treatments to work, pray for comfort, pray for our relationship with God, pray for our witness to others, pray for our girls and the rest of our family.
As Thanksgiving approaches, even with all that is going on, we continue to be thankful for the blessings that we have.  We are blessed to have family and friends who will come to our aide, we are blessed with doctors who have wisdom and experience that we don't, but mostly we are blessed to have a Holy Father, who loves us!  He has orchestrated all of these parts...family, doctors, friends, plans, and put them together just for us, and for that we are eternally grateful!

You Make Me Brave

I stand before You now
The greatness of Your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of You
King of Heaven in humility, I bow

As Your love
In wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us 
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You've made a way 
For all to enter in

I have heard You call my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So, I will let You draw me beyond the shore
Into Your grace, Your grace

As Your love
In wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us 
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You've made a way 
For all to enter in

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now 
The love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now 
The promises You've made

As Your love
In wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us 
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You've made a way 
For all to enter in
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/bethel-music/you-make-me-brave-lyrics/#vsfzhxAVgPqIsLSb.99

We have a date!

So October 30th, 7:30 am is the date and time that I will have surgery.  Its a bittersweet moment when it gets put on the schedule for real.  We were a little disappointed that it wasn't sooner, but I think I may need a few weeks to let it all soak in and be ready.  We will also be able to follow through on many commitments we have between now and then, rather than backing out.
I will be in the hospital a few days and then home recovering for a few weeks.  The main concern, or prayer request right now is that I come home quickly.  Corey will be leaving on November 4th for a business trip and we both will be more at peace if I can be home for a few days prior to his leaving.  My parents will be here, but it will obviously be hard for Corey and I both to be a part for a few days so soon after surgery.
Thanks for all of your continued prayers and support!  That's all for now...

CT's, Bone scans, MRI's, OH MY!

So this week has been full of tests and doctors.  Really it's becoming the new normal, unfortunately.  On Monday I had a CT of my pelvis and chest, along with a bone scan.  It was a LONG day to say the least!  I'm pretty sure if there was a liquid available that could be put into my body, it was either ingested or pushed through the IV! If you would have tested me, I'm sure I was radioactive!  The good news is, all of the tests came back with good results!  There is not sign of cancer in my bones, chest or pelvis, so that was a huge answer to prayer!
On Tuesday I had to go back for a breast MRI.  This was not one I was looking forward to!  I am claustrophobic and being inside a tube that is inches from my face is enough to send me over the edge!  I also knew that I was going to be face down...even worse!  So I asked the dr. to call me in something to help me get through it.  I took a valium on the way to the test and Corey waited for the perfect video opportunity, just as any good husband would do!  He kept asking if I could tell it was working and while I didn't feel super weird, everything felt really heavy and slow.  So I go for my test, which is about 30 minutes long, and I just kept my eyes closed and kept my head down the whole time. No reason to "test' the meds!  When they were finished they came to get me out and I was pretty much asleep.  It took me a minute to get up and off of the table.  I got dressed and the nurse walked me out and handed me over to Corey.  This is how the drive home went...

I went home and slept for 3 hours!  Even when I woke up I was still moving pretty slow.  I was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to sleep, since I had pulled a Rip Van Winkle during the day, so I took a SLEEP strip at bedtime and slept like I have never slept before!  I'm pretty sure I would be a terrible drug user if 1 valium does this to me!

Anyway, Dr. Gorman called Thursday night and told me the results from the MRI.  #1 the left side seemed clear even though a previous sonogram showed otherwise.  She is going to pull all of the data and compare it all side by side to make sure, but for now, its good.  #2 The right side that has the mass, actually has 2 masses.  She said, however, that she thought she could get it all with a lumpectomy, but nothing is a guarantee until she gets in there.  And even then, its possible that they would have to go back more than once to get everything, but she was optimistic. 

So here is the point at which the possibilities are many!  Me, not being the decision-maker personality, hates when there are a million options!  But here are my choices:

1. Have a lumpectomy, hope they can get it all, but if not, go back and take out additional tissue, followed by chemo, followed by radiation, followed by reconstruction.

2. Have a single mastectomy, followed by chemo, probably not radiation, followed by reconstruction.

3. Have a double mastectomy, followed by chemo, probably not radiation, followed by reconstruction.  

So... lots to think about.  Corey and I actually stayed up until 1:00 am on Thursday morning hashing a lot of things out.  One of them was what I wanted to do.  So before we talked to Dr. Gorman, we had already come to the conclusion that I would have a double mastectomy.  This is not a decision that was made quickly or easily.  It is very scary to think about taking a huge step like this when it is just one of 3 options.  What makes me mad about all of this is, change has to occur.  There is nothing I can do that will equal what I have known all of my life.  The decision that we have to make is the "best of the worst" if you will, because in my mind, the only good is to rewind about 6 months and not be in this predicament. Since that isn't one of the options, I have to consider what my future looks like.  If I were to choose the lumpectomy, I would have mammograms every 6 months for the next 5 years at least.  If I have a lumpectomy or a single mastectomy, I have to continually wonder what will occur in the rest of my breast tissue.  

Here is where I get real: I DON'T HAVE THE MENTAL GAME FOR THAT!  My mental game is terrible!  Even in running, it's my mental game that holds me back from things I know my body can handle.  I am honest enough with myself to admit I cannot go through life constantly worrying what might show up on the next test.  I have said from the beginning, I am only doing this once, and so that's how I made my decision to have the double.  I want to be done with this, put it all behind me, and start over! 

Today we met with a plastic surgeon.  I have to say that on the way I began to doubt my decision.  Maybe I was being too drastic.  What if I hate the outcome?  What if I stand in front of the mirror every day and regret what I have done?  I'm glad that we had the opportunity to meet with the plastic surgeon today because he spent time going over the reconstruction options in great detail.  (Yes, MORE OPTIONS! You know, we always think options are good, but sometimes, it's just too much!)  But I will say, after our meeting I felt much more at ease with everything and I know that I am making the right decision.  

So now that we have a plan, we just have to get it on the schedule!  The 2 surgeons that I am using do surgery together multiple times per week, which I like!  They are working on putting together a date and time and I should get a call on Monday.  I would guess that I would have surgery late next week or maybe the following week, but nothing is a for sure yet.

I get comments all the time about how well I am dealing with all of this and the decisions that we are facing, but I would be lying if I said times have been easy around here.  Things have been very hard, and I realized last weekend that I was mad at God.  I know, go ahead, gasp!  It took me a long time to be able to admit it to myself and then verbalize it to Corey, but it's the truth.  As Christians we think that we aren't allowed to be mad at God, but I'm not sure that is true.  I think about the times I have been mad at my earthly parents in the past.  I didn't stop loving them.  I didn't stop believing that they only wanted what they thought was best for me.  I didn't turn away from them.  I was just mad, and then it passed.  I think that once I admitted my frustration and anger, God began to work in me, to heal and restore me.  My kids get mad at me and I let them, and while it hurts me, I understand why they are mad, they don't get what they want, or they think I am being unfair. I don't keep them from being mad or send them away for being mad.  I pull them in and help them know that I am always here and my job is to help them become their best, even if it means doing things they don't agree with. 

I believe that God has done that for me this week.  He is slowly helping me see the good things again.  He has blessed me with doctors that show true compassion for me and I trust will help me to feel good again.  He continues to put me in situations where I get to minister or help others so that I feel like I still have purpose, when being a burden is all I felt like.  

So, this week ends on a good note!  It ends with a better outlook on the road ahead.  It ends with a peace about where I am going and how I will get there.  It ends with me laying down the anger so that I can move on.

New Surgeon=New tests

So we have a new surgeon since I got new insurance that started on Sept 1, convenient huh?  While it is a hassle and a pain, we are really happy with the new surgeon and feel very taken care of.
Today she went over everything and ordered more tests.  She wants MRI's, CT's and Bone Density tests done so that she knows what she is dealing with, full body.  She doesn't think there is anything to be worried about, just wants to know everything she can before making any decisions.
There was also much talk about the amount of tissue that will possibly have to be removed.  Based on what she sees in the films, there is possibly some calcium or pre-cancerous tissue that is surrounding the actual cancer. She wants to get a more detailed look at it before she operates.  If there is in fact a much larger part to be removed, that would push us more into the mastectomy side of things than the lumpectomy side.
Also, when I had my mammogram originally, there was a place on the left side that the radiologist said I needed to follow up on in 6 months.  Ummmm...no!  I am doing this 1 time!  The MRI will give more info about that spot, it can be biopsied if needed, and we will know if this needs to be a bilateral mastectomy or not.
LOTS.TO. THINK.ABOUT!
She spent a lot of time with us and went over everything explicitly.  One thing that she shared with us though is the frustration of breast cancer.  It isn't ever a clear path of events that follow a smooth sequence.  The path is a step by step process that can only be determined after each step is taken.  So while most of us are used to having a clear map of 1,2,3... this isn't that kind of journey.
So here is the plan for now:
This week:  I have all of the tests run
Next week: I have a biopsy done if needed, I meet with plastic surgeons, I have pre-op
Week of Oct 13: Surgery week
Of course, all of this could change again I guess, but hopefully not.
Thanks again to everyone who is praying, sending cards, wearing bracelets, and sending emails and messages.  We could not do this alone!

Results, finally!

So Corey and I got a all from the Oncologist yesterday to come in for test results this afternoon.  The good news is the test is negative! This means I do not carry the BRCA gene, my ovaries are not a concern, my girls don't have to be tested later on, and I have choices about surgery! All good things!

We have to meet with a new surgeon because my insurance changed on September 1, but the oncologist already has a call Into her to get me in ASAP.

I want to take this time to thank you all for the comments, texts, calls, prayers, cards...every one of them has touched me! It is overwhelming and amazing to experience so much love and support from so many! The road ahead has not gotten any shorter, but it sure is a better ride with such wonderful friends and family! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Tears

First of all, there is no news.  I get asked daily if I have test results and unfortunately I haven't heard anything.  I called today but I didn't hear back, so maybe tomorrow.  Who knows? It doesn't really matter though, this test isn't going to give us any news about the cancer, it will just determine the surgery that I have.  For that reason, I am not nervous, anxious, or pacing the floor everyday.  I am living!  Just regular, day to day, living!
There was much discussion about the point at which to talk about any of this.  Not because I don't want anyone to know, or because I am a control freak(ok, well that part is a lie).  But really, the main reason is I didn't, and don't, want people to look at me different.  I don't want to be confronted with faces full of pity or sadness.  I don't want people to stand across the room and whisper to each other how sorry they are for me.  I don't want every conversation to be about cancer.  I don't want to look into eyes filled with tears every time I talk to someone.
The fact is, yes I have cancer(which I still HATE saying), and it totally sucks, but I'm not dying!  I am going to be fine.  The road between here and fine is filled with many pot-holes, but I will make it to "fine"!  There are days when I have moments of sadness, but they are not many.  There are times when I am overwhelmed, but I have lots of support to get me through. There are times when all of it becomes too much, but...I have God for that!
Corey and I have started spending more time with our college students at church lately.  We have bonds with many of them from past youth events, and we feel called to invest more energy and love into them.  So last Sunday I was asked to share my testimony with them.  It was a testimony of salvation, growing as a Christian, and the path we are on now.  Makinley was present as I spoke, and watched as I fought through a few tears and got choked up a couple of times.  After I was finished, she broke.  She hasn't said much to me about any of this.  The few times she has talked about it, it has only been with Corey.  I decided it was time we had our own debriefing.
We stood in the hallway and I listened to her tell me that it gets scarier everytime she hears the word "cancer".  She doesn't like that I am sick.  She worries about me having surgery.  There were several things that she opened up about but these were the main concerns.  I assured her that I agreed that "cancer" was a scary word, and that I hate it just as much as she does.  I also shared with her that I am not "sick". I don't feel sick, I feel fine, so we didn't need to be worried about that now.  Same with surgery...there isn't a plan for that yet, so we can put those thoughts off for a while longer too. I explained to her that the only way to get through all of this is one day at a time.  I cannot let my mind race ahead of the day I am on, and she shouldn't either. Whenever I find myself frazzled or worrying I pray and ask God to "just give me enough to get through today".  I ask Him to "fill me with the joy I need to see the good things in today" and to let go of the negative or scary.
I write this blog for many of you who struggle with tears on my behalf.  Please don't let the days slip by filled with tears, because I'm not.  Please don't sit around and think of all of the possible roadblocks and pot-holes that I face, because I'm not.  Please don't let fear of the unknown consume you and steal your joy, because I'm not.  Instead, pray to be filled with what you need each day to be able to experience happy and recognize the beauty in today!

Fiery Furnace

I know that my last post was kind of heavy. Its a lot to deal with when it comes on all at once.  Like I said though, God has been preparing me for this journey since June.  I say that it has been since June but I know it has been much earlier than that.
One way that he began to prepare my heart was through a bible study that I was a part of several years ago on Daniel.  It was a Beth Moore study and it was led by a lady named Kelly at our church.  Kelly had done several bible studies before but I never attended.  I'm not sure what, but something about this one pulled me in.  It had TONS of homework which was not what I signed up for, however the message I walked away with was life changing.
Its not a story that I hadn't heard before, in fact I had heard it many times over as a child growing up in the church. It was the study of three men; Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  These three men where friends and cohorts of Daniel, who had been made ruler of Babylon by the King Nebuchandnezzar.   The King made these 3 men administrators, so they were kind of a big deal.  King Nebuchandnezzar was a confused man, who bounced back in forth on his belief in God.  He really thought a lot of himself and had a hard time resisting his self-made idols and commands. He set up a statue of gold and instructed everyone to bow down and worship the statue whenever they heard the sound of any music.  He proclaimed that anyone who failed to do so would be thrown into a fiery furnace asap.  So the music soon sounded and all of the people of the town followed the commands of the king except, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  Word got back to the king that they were not following the commands and he called for them immediately.  He told them that they must follow his commands and bow down, to which the men replied:
(Daniel 3:16-18)  "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.  But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up".
Ok...life changing!!!!  These men are telling the king that they will not follow his commands, knowing that they will be thrown into the fire!  Pretty gutsy if you ask me!  But here is the deal, these men believed that God would save them.  They believed it enough to say it to the very one who had the power to kill them right there. They were even taking it a step further by saying, "even if he does not" save us, we will not bow down! What faith!!!!  I realized at the time, this was not the kind of faith I had known.  I knew that I had to up my game and be ready for whatever potential fires came my way, that no matter what the cost, I would never turn my back on my God.  We all need this kind of faith, not just those of us in tough times now.  I believe that one day we will all be asked to make a choice about who we worship on this Earth and we will only get one chance to stand firm and show our faith.  Can we be as brave as these?
The story goes on and the three men end up being thrown into the furnace.  They chose God over the king and had to pay the price.  The king has them thrown in and when he looks in to see that they have been eliminated, he is shocked at what he sees; 4 men walking around in the furnace.  They are no longer bound together and they are unharmed.  Jesus showed up!  Of course he did!  But here is the kicker...this is what resonates with me EVERY DAY... when they walked out of the furnace they were not burned, and "there was no smell of fire on them"(3:27)
We all go through fires.  Some are small, and some are huge.  Some we can run through real fast and get to the other side, while others take forever to find our way out of.  But once we come out, we can either reek of the smoke and fumes that have surrounded us, or we can come out smelling clean.
This is my purpose, to be smoke-free!  Maybe I am supposed to prove to myself that I have enough faith to make it through this and come out not smelling of smoke.  Maybe God is testing me for Himself to see if I can walk the talk.  Maybe I am supposed to set an example for others on how to do this.  I don't know, but what I do know 100% is that I didn't stumble across this bible study for nothing.  It has changed my relationship with Christ and it has changed my faith.  I also know that in the last month, as I have been through medical test after medical test, this story has resurfaced twice.  That is not coincidence, that is God.
I don't care what the purpose is, or who is supposed to benefit from my situation, what I can honestly say is if I can go through this and come out not smelling like smoke, and it changes one person's attitude, or gives them faith in Christ, it's all worth it.
That's not to say I don't have fear or sadness...I do. I'm human.  I have already had that moment where I feel guilty for being sad or upset because I feel like I am failing at being the strong Christ follower, but then I think of Jesus himself the day before his death on the cross.  He cried out to God and pleaded with him not to make him go through with it.  I don't believe for one minute that action makes him any less God, I think it proves that he was human.  It gives me comfort to know that Jesus and I had that in common. We could both be scared and sad, but in the end we both know that God is going to give us the grace we need to fulfill our calling.
I know there will be moments and even days where the stink of the smoke will overcome me, however my prayer is that those moments and days are few.  I just need the smoke-free days to outweigh the smelly ones, and with Jesus walking in the fire with me, I know I can come out of this fiery furnace unsigned!

The Journey I Didn't Ask For

Prepare yourself, maybe make some popcorn, this will take a while.

In June, while taking a bath and washing the soap off, I felt something.  I knew right away that I should be concerned, and I was, but I didn't have time (nor was I ready) to address it.  Also, we were headed to youth camp so I didn't have time right then.  To be honest, I really thought I would just try to pray it away.  Why not, it was worth a try...no such luck.
So on August 8, I went for a mammogram.  I have been through this before when I felt something several years back so I knew what to expect.  After they do the mammogram the radiologist looks at films while you are there.  The girl came in to say that they needed to do a sonogram since this wasn't just routine, but a doctor order.  I knew from before, sonograms are not a normal part of this process.  So I went into the sonogram room and another girl, CeCe, took more pictures and then sent them to the radiologist again.  Next thing I know, he walks in the door.  He said that there was definitely something there and its not supposed to be, so he wanted to do a biopsy to check it out.  I was okay until I got in the car and called Corey.  There is something about having to say things in your own words and hearing them in your own voice.  It's a lot different than hearing someone else say them.  They made me an appointment for the following week.
Fast forward to the next Friday, August 15, Corey and I returned to the same place to have the biopsy.  He wasn't allowed to go in with me, just wait in the changing room.  Cece, who did my sonogram came to get me for the biopsy.  She was a very serious girl when I had met her the last time, but today she seemed a little friendlier.  She got me all prepped and then the dr. came in and did the biopsy. It wasn't a terrible experience, just different.  Of course as you lay there all kinds of things run through your mind.  I fought tears the whole time, but held it together. After the biopsy, Cece had to stand next to me and apply pressure for 10 minutes.  At that point, you are forced to bond a little!  So she asked me how I was with all of this, and we talked about how waiting is the hardest part.  She assured me God was in control and I liked her even more at that point.  Finally she bandaged me up and told me I could sit up when I was ready.  It took me a few minutes, but I sat up and immediately my head throbbed and my whole body felt like it was shaking.  She said I probably had a reaction to the local they gave me.  Before I could leave I had to have another mammogram, but she offered to let me go back and sit with Corey until they were ready, so I went back to my dressing room.  I felt so terrible by the time I got in there that once I sat down I melted into tears.  I think it was a combination of meds, adrenaline, and fear that all collided at once.  After a few minutes they came and did the mammogram and we went home.
Waiting is torture, especially when the outcomes are as big as what we could be dealing with.  They said it would take a week to get results, so that means go to dr, wait a week, have mammogram, wait a week, have biopsy, wait a week....
On August 22, my OBGYN called and in a very somber voice told me my biopsy was positive.  I was with Morgan in the car on the way home from school so I had to just take it and not react.  Corey called and said he was going to pick up Makinley from volleyball, but I didn't tell him.  I couldn't talk about this on the phone.  We needed to be together when I shared this with him.
At this point I will pause and say that I didn't need a dr to call and tell me it was positive.  I already knew.  Not because I was negative or being dramatic, but because God had been preparing me since June.  I knew from the very beginning how this was going to go and I told Corey many times.  He had remained much more optimistic throughout all of the testing, so I knew it would be hard for him.
When he got home I pulled him into our room and told him the results.  He hugged me and told me this would all be fine and then started making plans.  (He is a RED personality, and thats what they do...take control and make a plan!) We talked about who had to know right away, but decided we weren't going to tell the world yet.  We really had no info other than it was positive and I needed to see a surgeon on September 2.  So again....wait a week!
That week has been the hardest up to this point.  I went through every emotion possible.  The Friday night I found out I was sad.  I sat and cried off and on even though we went to some friends house.  Saturday I woke up mad.  Sunday I woke up with a peace about me, but that soon turned to stress once I realized Monday would bring regular routines of life.  I wasn't sure how I was supposed to go to school, teach, and move through life as if all things were normal, because clearly they were not! But God has given me just what I need to get through one day at a time, so that's how I did it, one day at a time.
That brings us to this week.  On Tuesday, Corey and I met with the surgeon.  He briefly explained the cancer and gave us his recommendation of a lumpectomy, which would be followed by radiation, and possibly chemo.  We expressed our desire to get this process started asap and get it over with as quick as possible.  He jumped on things and scheduled us for a lumpectomy the next Wednesday September 10.  We were asking lots of questions about the post-surgery treatments, so he called the oncologist and set us up for an appointment the next day.  He wanted us to talk with her before surgery so we would know the plan.  They set me up for pre-op on Thursday and we left.
I think we were both overwhelmed with information and possibilities after we left.
On Wednesday we went to meet with the oncologist.  We waited for over an hour as she fought her way through traffic.  They made us watch a video that explained everything you need to know about radiation and I cried through most of it.  When the video was over Corey and I made a list of questions we had.  I was not in a very good mood when the dr finally showed up, however she won me over quickly!  She was very thorough and explained things in terms we could understand.  She was very patient with our questions.  Her tone was very relaxed but not so much that she seemed to be unconcerned.  You know sometimes doctors forget they do this everyday but the rest of us don't...she didn't give that message at all.  I asked her if she thought our decision to have the surgery scheduled was the right choice and mentioned genetic testing.  She went into that saying that it was definitely something to consider.  She decided quickly that she wanted me to see a Medical Oncologist.  At this point I stopped her and politely said, "if you don't mind me asking, what are you?  I thought you were the oncologist".  She smiled and explained that she was the Radiation Oncologist but the Medical Oncologist would be the one to do genetic testing and any chemo or hormone therapies.  She said she had a partner in Dallas she wanted us to see the following morning, Thursday.    We left her office and went straight to church.  It was a good way to wrap up the day, worshiping the only One who can save me from all of this, but to say Corey and I were exhausted is the understatement of the year!  Mentally, emotionally, physically, we were spent!  We fell into the bed that night and Im not sure we moved until the alarm the next morning.
So Thursday we found ourselves in yet another doctor office.  They got us back quickly and we met our Medical Oncologist.  Corey and I both loved him right away!  He used the paper on the exam table to breakdown each part of my pathology report from my biopsy, and being a visual person, this was awesome!  I even took a picture of it on my phone because I understood everything so much better by looking at it written out piece by piece.  At the end of our meeting it was decided that I should have the genetic BRCA test done.  This is a test that tells you if you carry the gene that causes breast cancer.  If I carry it, there is like an 85% chance that this will come back with a lumpectomy.  So if this test comes back positive than the best option is to have a double mastectomy.  I only want to do this once,( Hell, I don't want to do it at all) so it is worth waiting to do it right.  So I had bloodwork done and it will take 1-3 weeks for it to come back.  There is only 1 place in the nation that processes this test and since Angelina Jolee had this done a few years back, they are swamped.
So that's where were are, waiting for a week....or 3!  So that means that my surgery has been postponed for now.
This post does not reflect the emotional side of the past month.  I can't possibly put all of that in this post, but I have been keeping a journal and have it recorded. I will begin to share parts of that and try to keep things up to date moving forward.
There is much uncertainty in each day right now...but there are some things I know to be certain.
1: I will live through this.  Fortunately we live in a time where women beat this everyday!  I am glad that technology, doctors, and medicine has advanced so much in the last 10 years so that I can have that confidence.
2: I am loved and supported by many!  I knew I had the most loving family and friends, but I think you can never truly comprehend that until you have to face a giant, like this.  So many of you are checking on me, encouraging me, helping me, praying for me, and setting up things for the future to make things easier and I cannot express my gratitude for that.  One reason that I am going to post to this blog is so that all of you who want the latest updates can follow them on here because I cannot possible keep up with texting updates out!  There are too many of you to count!
3: I have a God who loves me and is with me each step of every day.  While I get mad about this situation often, it is never directed at God.  How could I be mad at the ONE who will save me and lead me out of this terrible mess?  I praise Him everyday for all that He continues to do for me and the love He shows me through His word and the people He surrounds me with.  I know that there is purpose to me going through this "fire".  I know that He will give me the grace I need to get through each day, even though I know I may not always be able to reflect it, He gives it.
So, there it is... and that's where we are.  Again, thank you all for the prayers, but don't stop now!  Keep praying!  The focus right now is pray that I don't carry this gene, pray that things will get easier, pray that our family will continue to be a light, even though we feel like we are living in the dark!

Direct Marketing? Really?

Yes, I am a direct marketer.  It isn't something that I thought I would ever say, especially with the pride that I say it with:)  I know plenty of people have a negative view of network marketing, and many have failed to see success.  I know that many of you think people in direct marketing are crazy and stupid.  I have been in those shoes before.  Today I have a different perspective and this blog is to provide insight to what led me to where I am today.
Two years ago most of you know that I left the public education system and moved to a charter school.  It took MUCH prayer and a huge leap of faith to make that decision.  In making that move, I took a 50% pay cut.  It case you don't know, that is HUGE!  And it shouldn't have worked.  It didn't work on paper, we were already living on every dollar we earned, and the only way I can explain why we did it was, God.  It was a 100% trust that God was calling me to make this move and that if I followed, He would provide. And He has.
Fast forward to the last year.  Our church has been in the process of beginning construction on a new place of worship.  Corey and I are both excited about what that will mean for the Kingdom in Grand Prairie.  But when we looked at what we would be able to contribute, it was very disheartening.  With a recent pay cut, there was no way that we were going to be able to give the way we wanted to.
Enter the direct sales opportunity.  A friend from high school had been posting on Facebook about this new product that she was taking and promoting.  She is a Physician Assistant and also works out a lot, so when she posts things about health, I pay attention.  I sent her a message asking her about what the product was and she invited me to check out her website.  I looked at it and shared the info with Corey.  We talked about how it seemed interesting, but we let it go at that point.  Over the next month, my friend continued to post things, each time I checked it out and Corey and I continued to have conversations.  The more we read and talked about the products and the possibilities of how they could improve our health, the more excited we got.  Finally, one day I called her and said, ok, we want to take these, we are in.  We became associates that day, instead of customers, for 2 reasons:
#1 we would save money in the long run since we were both going to take them,
But even more importantly, because
#2 we realized, standing in our kitchen that day, that this was going to be how we could be bigger contributors to our church's building fund
I'm not gonna tell you that being in network marketing is easy, because it isn't! It's a lot of work! I think that many people get in thinking they are gonna get lucky and everything will fall into their lap. That's how people walk away with a bad taste.  I essentially have 2 jobs right now, however, I have loved every minute of it! I have learned a lot about myself through this opportunity and I have also grown a lot in a very short time.  
I know that what I am doing is right for my family.  I also know that it is going to benefit God's Kingdom.  How could I not be excited about this?!
The other thing that is exciting is the opportunity to help others change their lives for the better.  Corey and I truly believe in the products and were already seeing great results in only a few weeks.  We have a passion for the people we know and love to get on these products so that they too will reap the benefits!
So there it is in a nutshell!  One day my hope is that everyone I know will be benefiting from the products that I can offer them.  It really is cool to be a part of something with such BIG outcomes!