Post-It

These last six months are proving to be the most challenging time yet so far ever since coming over to Sydney. The learning curve has been steep, traveling up the road that strives towards spiritual maturity sometimes feels more like an impossible feat. Many times I feel like I'm stalling or just rolling back instead of pushing forward.

I feel so lost at times. I feel so inadequate and ill-equipped.

The past few months haven't been easy at all in terms of the challenges that keep coming up from occasions that called for decisions and responses to be thought through and prayerfully made.

And even when I do think I've made the right choices and choose to hold on to certain convictions on certain things because I know they are right and pleasing unto the Lord, I -still- catch myself looking back on these choices I've made. I find myself caught up in moments that I cave in to my old way of thinking and the patterns of my old ways. I'm painfully aware of the daily struggle to stick by these convictions.

I'm so sorely tempted all the time to just want to have it all my way. Forget waiting on the Lord, forget trusting in Him to know best and provide for my needs, forget that my life was bought for a price, forget that this new life is a gift from God, forget that my identity is now in Christ, and forget that my sole purpose is to bring Him glory.

I'm tempted to throw the convictions away, chuck them out of the window because it feels like a heavy yoke and burden, step on the pedal and go my way - all the time.

Because I am human. I am a base creature of the flesh, I am selfish and I want to live life my way. I am sinful.

I know I can't go back there.

Every other path aside from the straight and narrow one we were meant to walk leads to destruction. In my heart of hearts, I still deeply and desperately desire to be free under His perfect will and live a life that is pure and pleasing to Him.

And how can it be that yoke that I'm meant to bear is heavy? Jesus has said that his yoke is easy and his burden light.

I guess when I penned down the words "No one else (and nothing) can ever replace who God ought to be in your life", thinking those were more meant for others but me, the truth was really that I needed to hear that for myself too.

Sufficient

Philippians 4:4-8

Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Almost half year has passed since I last posted something new and a week has gone since I left Singapore to begin the second year of university here in Sydney. Two months have passed since 2011 started and March has crept up silently bringing along the official start to the autumn season as well as my first week of school.

Then suddenly it's come to the end of the first week after arriving here and suddenly I'm at the start of another new year in life too. It is nothing all too new I suppose, and there is no true significance in all this sentimentalism and really, it isn't very significant to be turning twenty-three.

But oh, I do miss spending this day with my family back in Singapore and I caught myself pretending that I'm still technically three hours behind my current timezone. Not that I've not thought through or prepared for this bit about living physically apart from loved ones before I made the choice to study in a foreign country, but this change isn't something easy to get used to some times and it's a little hard not to feel just a bit wistful at times too.

Just a bit and some times.

I know it gets easier to be here and live from day to day though. I know because I'm beginning to experience the true comfort that none but our Lord can provide. I know that even though my own bed and pillow at home lie thousands of miles away from here, my real place of rest is the bosom of the Lord. And every day I grow to better understand and experience what it really means to sing 'O Lord you know I have no friend like you, if Heaven's not my home, then Lord what will I do? The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door, and I can't feel at home in this world anymore', at those times when I'm alone here.

It's not to say that everyday things get a whole lot easier per se since every day brings its own set of challenges, but going through these challenges and troubles from day to day is made more bearable simply because I can fully lean on God to provide and care for my needs.

And you know what dear reader? I don't know what I'll do if I didn't have Him!

Psalm 91:9

Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the Most High, thy habitation

'The Christian knows no change with regard to God. He may be rich today and poor tomorrow; he may be sickly today, tomorrow he may be distressed - but there is no change with regard to his relationship to God. If He loved me yesterday, He loves me today. My unmoving mansion of rest is my blessed Lord. Let prospects be blighted; let hopes be blasted; let joy be withered; let mildews destroy everything; I have lost nothing of what I have in God. He is 'my strong habitation whereunto I can continually resort'. I am a pilgrim in the world, but at home in my God. In the earth I wander, but in God I dwell in a quiet habitation.'
(Daily Readings by C. H. Spurgeon, February 27 - Morning)


'Did He choose me before the mountains were brought forth, or the channels of the deep were digged, and will He reject me now? Impossible! I am sure He would not have loved me so long if He had not been a changeless Lover. If He could grow weary of me, He would have been tired of me long before now. If He had not loved me with a love as deep as hell, and as strong as death, He would have turned from me long ago. Oh, joy above all joys, to know that I am His everlasting and inalienable inheritance, given to Him by His Father or ever the earth was! Everlasting love shall be the pillow for my head this night.'
(Daily Readings by C.H. Spurgeon, February 27 - Evening)

I remember that the passages in the morning and evening reading of 27 February were especially comforting for me in my first year of university here in Sydney. Just five nights ago, I came back once again to these same passages and I was delighted to find that the meaning of all this carries so much more depth in meaning to me now as compared to what comfort I drew from my understanding of it last time.

Back then I don't think I quite grasped the beauty of it all or dwelled long enough to appreciate God's bigger picture and I daresay I still don't have full understanding. However, coming back again this time to these passages and the corresponding passages of His Word helped me to see that in the time I've spent here in Sydney, I have been blessed so much to be able to continue to grow in Him and study His Word with other Christians.

I have been blessed that He has provided me with more than I could have asked for while I'm here in Sydney and I certainly rejoice that it is clearer now that every day He permits me to spend here is not without His purpose and I await with hope to see how everything will one day click nicely together and fit into His greater plan. =)

Hopefully this will be first of more posts to come in the months ahead! It's been too long a while and this entry took a bit too long to pen even though it isn't much. For now, I must rest because I'm most likely coming down with a cold/flu.

Goodnight and God bless, dear reader!