Post-It

These last six months are proving to be the most challenging time yet so far ever since coming over to Sydney. The learning curve has been steep, traveling up the road that strives towards spiritual maturity sometimes feels more like an impossible feat. Many times I feel like I'm stalling or just rolling back instead of pushing forward.

I feel so lost at times. I feel so inadequate and ill-equipped.

The past few months haven't been easy at all in terms of the challenges that keep coming up from occasions that called for decisions and responses to be thought through and prayerfully made.

And even when I do think I've made the right choices and choose to hold on to certain convictions on certain things because I know they are right and pleasing unto the Lord, I -still- catch myself looking back on these choices I've made. I find myself caught up in moments that I cave in to my old way of thinking and the patterns of my old ways. I'm painfully aware of the daily struggle to stick by these convictions.

I'm so sorely tempted all the time to just want to have it all my way. Forget waiting on the Lord, forget trusting in Him to know best and provide for my needs, forget that my life was bought for a price, forget that this new life is a gift from God, forget that my identity is now in Christ, and forget that my sole purpose is to bring Him glory.

I'm tempted to throw the convictions away, chuck them out of the window because it feels like a heavy yoke and burden, step on the pedal and go my way - all the time.

Because I am human. I am a base creature of the flesh, I am selfish and I want to live life my way. I am sinful.

I know I can't go back there.

Every other path aside from the straight and narrow one we were meant to walk leads to destruction. In my heart of hearts, I still deeply and desperately desire to be free under His perfect will and live a life that is pure and pleasing to Him.

And how can it be that yoke that I'm meant to bear is heavy? Jesus has said that his yoke is easy and his burden light.

I guess when I penned down the words "No one else (and nothing) can ever replace who God ought to be in your life", thinking those were more meant for others but me, the truth was really that I needed to hear that for myself too.

Sufficient

Philippians 4:4-8

Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Almost half year has passed since I last posted something new and a week has gone since I left Singapore to begin the second year of university here in Sydney. Two months have passed since 2011 started and March has crept up silently bringing along the official start to the autumn season as well as my first week of school.

Then suddenly it's come to the end of the first week after arriving here and suddenly I'm at the start of another new year in life too. It is nothing all too new I suppose, and there is no true significance in all this sentimentalism and really, it isn't very significant to be turning twenty-three.

But oh, I do miss spending this day with my family back in Singapore and I caught myself pretending that I'm still technically three hours behind my current timezone. Not that I've not thought through or prepared for this bit about living physically apart from loved ones before I made the choice to study in a foreign country, but this change isn't something easy to get used to some times and it's a little hard not to feel just a bit wistful at times too.

Just a bit and some times.

I know it gets easier to be here and live from day to day though. I know because I'm beginning to experience the true comfort that none but our Lord can provide. I know that even though my own bed and pillow at home lie thousands of miles away from here, my real place of rest is the bosom of the Lord. And every day I grow to better understand and experience what it really means to sing 'O Lord you know I have no friend like you, if Heaven's not my home, then Lord what will I do? The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door, and I can't feel at home in this world anymore', at those times when I'm alone here.

It's not to say that everyday things get a whole lot easier per se since every day brings its own set of challenges, but going through these challenges and troubles from day to day is made more bearable simply because I can fully lean on God to provide and care for my needs.

And you know what dear reader? I don't know what I'll do if I didn't have Him!

Psalm 91:9

Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the Most High, thy habitation

'The Christian knows no change with regard to God. He may be rich today and poor tomorrow; he may be sickly today, tomorrow he may be distressed - but there is no change with regard to his relationship to God. If He loved me yesterday, He loves me today. My unmoving mansion of rest is my blessed Lord. Let prospects be blighted; let hopes be blasted; let joy be withered; let mildews destroy everything; I have lost nothing of what I have in God. He is 'my strong habitation whereunto I can continually resort'. I am a pilgrim in the world, but at home in my God. In the earth I wander, but in God I dwell in a quiet habitation.'
(Daily Readings by C. H. Spurgeon, February 27 - Morning)


'Did He choose me before the mountains were brought forth, or the channels of the deep were digged, and will He reject me now? Impossible! I am sure He would not have loved me so long if He had not been a changeless Lover. If He could grow weary of me, He would have been tired of me long before now. If He had not loved me with a love as deep as hell, and as strong as death, He would have turned from me long ago. Oh, joy above all joys, to know that I am His everlasting and inalienable inheritance, given to Him by His Father or ever the earth was! Everlasting love shall be the pillow for my head this night.'
(Daily Readings by C.H. Spurgeon, February 27 - Evening)

I remember that the passages in the morning and evening reading of 27 February were especially comforting for me in my first year of university here in Sydney. Just five nights ago, I came back once again to these same passages and I was delighted to find that the meaning of all this carries so much more depth in meaning to me now as compared to what comfort I drew from my understanding of it last time.

Back then I don't think I quite grasped the beauty of it all or dwelled long enough to appreciate God's bigger picture and I daresay I still don't have full understanding. However, coming back again this time to these passages and the corresponding passages of His Word helped me to see that in the time I've spent here in Sydney, I have been blessed so much to be able to continue to grow in Him and study His Word with other Christians.

I have been blessed that He has provided me with more than I could have asked for while I'm here in Sydney and I certainly rejoice that it is clearer now that every day He permits me to spend here is not without His purpose and I await with hope to see how everything will one day click nicely together and fit into His greater plan. =)

Hopefully this will be first of more posts to come in the months ahead! It's been too long a while and this entry took a bit too long to pen even though it isn't much. For now, I must rest because I'm most likely coming down with a cold/flu.

Goodnight and God bless, dear reader!

Dreams

These dreams, they are so real.

I've not been sleeping well for the whole of the week before this due to late-nighters and stuffy nose that's now feeling swollen, painful and itchy-sensitive. Not sure if that's because of some cold bacteria or an infection.

On Friday, I remember concussing for the whole afternoon before Bible study and I dreamt such an upsetting dream that I practically cried the whole time in my sleep because the situation was so vivid and the emotions stemming from panic and fear were so real. I'm sure somewhere in my mind I knew it was a dream at some point but the physical fatigue kept me lying on my bed until 10 minutes before 7pm and I literally jumped out of bed to have a quick shower before heading out with an energy bar for the study.

And then on Saturday afternoon, I fell asleep again in the afternoon and this time I didn't want to wake up at all because I was dreaming of myself thinking back on the year and recounting things that had happened (how does one actually manage to do reflections in a dream I wonder) struck with such delight and inexplicable elatedness from dreaming that something actually did happen in my life over the past year. Only of course, it never did happen in real life even though I did harbour such a wish at some point. Perhaps I watched too much Fringe and the idea of an alternate universe somehow affected my dream. -.-

All The Way

All the way my Savior leads me
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav'nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate'er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate'er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

All the way my Savior leads me
Cheers each winding path I tread,
Gives me grace for every trial,
Feeds me with the living Bread.
Though my weary steps may falter
And my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see;
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see.

All the way my Savior leads me
O the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised
In my Father's house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal,
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages:
Jesus led me all the way;
This my song through endless ages:
Jesus led me all the way.

---

This marks the passing of another month here.

Genesis of University Life

It's a full moon tonight... and it... makes me not want to go to sleep. ;)

I would, eventually, since school officially begins tomorrow. Thank God for 2pm Education Psychology lecture on Mondays because that means I get to sleep in on a Monday morning if I don't have to get anything done. We'll see.

Tomorrow marks the official beginning of a new adventure: University life.

It seems strange to think about how it's only been 12 days that I'm here in Sydney. Feels like a lot of epic things have happened (including today's Tsunami scare in New South Wales) and I feel like I've been here for a month already. The farewell at the airport feels like a long time ago, yet the faces of family and dear friends are still very fresh in my mind. And it's just been 6 days since my dad went back to Singapore too. It's really, really weird. Nights feel a lot longer now too, somehow.

I guess commencing further studies is something that I've looked forward to and wanted for close to a year. Now it's been 5 months since I first applied with the desire to study music and education here in Australia. So here I am again on the threshold of yet another new beginning.

Of course life here over the past 12 days isn't perfect with the general feeling of loneliness, emo-ness and the random homesickness episode. Then there's also the hefty price-tags on everything around (eating out vs cooking, bus fares, phone plans). And not forgetting that it's still early days when it comes to learning about living in a strange new environment with its own culture and its people. But I know I will somehow survive 4 years here (yes, even survive my bland-tasting potato gratin).

It is going to be scary not knowing what to expect in my first week of school here, let alone all 4 years. And it's also scary not knowing what happens after these 4 years. But that's why I cannot do this alone and I cannot expect to know what lies ahead in such uncertain times. And it's comforting to know that wherever I am, "I am a pilgrim in the world, but at home in my God. In the earth I wander, but in God I dwell in a quiet habitation." (Feb 27's reading, C.H Spurgeon).

I pray that by God's Grace I will continue to live each day with joy and learn to grow ever more to be reliant on Him. (:

Onward!

Silent Tears

I shouldn't have played Josh Groban's 'You Raise Me Up'.

Couldn't imagine that it would cause the emotions to all suddenly swell up and overflow. To make things worse, I was determined to get through organising my screenshots of Skype sessions into a proper picture folder on my desktop. Then the worst thing happened, the vision of the screenshot dated Feb 21 of my mom's face with me and my dad on the computer blurred.

It was supposed to be an inspirational song, right?

This came much too suddenly, too soon and so unexpectedly.

Contact!

This morning I woke up at 9am only to realise that I wasn't sure what I was waking up for. So I continued to laze in bed until 10am before deciding to log on to the Internet. Only to realise that no one in Singapore in their right mind goes online at 7am or before 7am in the morning. But now I realise that it also happens to be quite an okay time for some people in Florida. =p

So many realisations.

I was thinking too that this first week (or more) alone might just a be a bit difficult, seeing as to how I have to really try to get to know new people (matching names and faces ><) and find out new stuff for school and plan my meals and grocery shopping. With regards to the whole getting to know people thing, I did honestly wonder about how to get through this whole get-to-know-people thing all over again because it seems to get harder each time as you get older. *shrugs* Sec 2, Sec 3, first 3 months in Junior College X, all over again in Junior College Y, then all over again in the same Junior College Y with a new cohort and then finally ALL OVER AGAIN in Mass Communication (not to mention class changes over 3 years). Things are usually supposed to get easier with practice, or maybe not - since I reckon everything levels up quite a bit as you grow older.

So maybe it was this sinking feeling that made me not feel like getting up even though I knew nothing was going to get better if I don't get out of bed . Somehow, despite being hungry for some free lunch somewhere out there, being in my room felt a lot more comfortable then having to go out. But coincidentally, I also had to go find my Singaporean friend so I went out after doing QT. The morning's theme verse came from Hebrew 13:5, "... I will never leave thee."

Just before leaving, I also received an email from a fourth year senior in BMus/BEdu who invited me to attend the peer mentoring programme's kick-off meeting tomorrow noon because I signed up for my faculty's peer mentoring program yesterday. =) I really don't know anyone else in my programme at the moment but I will have a chance to meet the senior and other people from my programme tomorrow. I pray it goes well. I'm trying not to feel just a bit nervous about meeting other Music students.

Later on, I walked around in my campus to look for my Singaporean friend (pri/sec friend) studying here as well. She was the one who offered to bring me to a church group here at UNSW. I had forgotten to take down her number (silly yes) but coincidentally I was approached by one of her unwitting friends to join the Christian students' Bible study group along the way. And so from there on, I started making contacts with people who not only knew my friend but were all also in the Christian group today. Met quite a few Christian Singaporeans as well so I guess I don't feel too lonely anymore. =)

I guess it's quite an interesting afternoon for me because when I think about what the devotional material was about this morning, the whole day-out seems just like an actual practical lesson from God. Quite awesome right?

Alrighty.. it's getting late here in Sydney already. Time for me to turn in or else I'll be up late again. =p

Adieu and God bless, dear reader.

Small Update

So.. I'm alone for the night here (first time) while my dad stays over at a hotel nearby. It's the silly rule for guests in this student accommodation.

It's kinda peaceful here on my own. I need to be careful about what music I choose to listen to at night though. Tend to be a bit more emo at night if left on my own. =p

So today daddy and I caught the 3pm Avatar 3D at Sydney's IMAX Theatres. Biggest screen in the world. And I gotta agree with it. The screen is probably 8 storeys high.. And we had to walk down 9 storeys of stairs on the way out. Awesome experience! I would be looking forward to other upcoming 3D movies like Alice in Wonderland. Just that the price is a bit hefty for a movie ticket at AUD$27+$3 booking fee (to avoid disappointment and traveling to the city for nothing!). I suppose it would be nice to have company as well.. But I can only wait patiently for that to happen.

There's a question that I've been quietly musing to myself about the whole day,

"How will I know when Autumn is here?"

It's kinda funny because I'm sure Autumn isn't just an overnight thing... but I'm curious to find out for myself if there's really such a thing as feeling a change in the air as the seasons change. Me thinks the poets and writers have romanticised this but the romantic in me just cannot help wanting to believe it.


PS: There were many stars in the sky tonight. (:

Moving In

So I'm here in my room now in my home for the next 5 months...

My dad's sleeping on my bed and I'm not sure what to do as I wait for my sister to pop online so that we can Skype.

Today was my official move-in day and I'm kinda sorta exhausted. I think I can really love my room as I start to settle down and once I really unpack and spruce up my desk+pin up my own stuff. ^^ Managed to also start up my Internet access account, get the remaining bank stuff completed as well as my student ID done. It's a awesome gold card.

The Internet data thing is rather annoying because I keep seeing how the counter keeps counting down my data limit. -.-;; I try to budget.. My total data package is 9GB (there was some promo so I bought 5gb+2gb+free 2gb) which gives me about 9000mb.. so my total time is 30 days and therefore I can use 300mb a day from my room for chat/skype/facebook/blogging. I hope this works out.. Haven't tried to see how much data Skyping takes up. =/

Guess I'll have to get used to this limitation thing somehow.

Settling in today had its exciting points. My dad and I walked over to my on-campus housing with two smaller luggage first and we discovered that there are already 2 occupants in the house. Figured they are girls, didn't stick around to see if they were home because no one responded to my hellos anyway. Then we went to buy pillows for me... And I now have 2 pillows (my dad will use one while he stays over with me) and a tri-pillow (go Google for it!) which I am gonna use as a bolster! I squeezed the tri-pillow into my own bolster casing (freshly washed from home) and it is -quite- straight. It is really kinda sad to confirm that people really don't sell bolsters here. ._. So anyway, pillows... I got my own brought-from-home pillow protectors and one pillow case as well so yay! Pillows and 'bolster' settled. Bought one medium and one large fleece blanket too so I shall stay quite snuggly. The only sad/upsetting thing was that my own bedsheet didn't fit the bed. =( Kinda sad because it would have made the bed look (and smell! haha) a bit more homely.

Sighs.

It feels a bit strange to be here... From my room, I witnessed a party going on in another room and I'm just feeling kinda.. strange about it. In a way, I don't feel like I'll be able to really -be- like people around and at the same time, I feel like I'm a very odd being too. The most frustrating thing about being here in Australia also makes me feel like my tongue is back in Singapore still and my natural shyness is surfacing rather painfully as well. ><>

End of January

Spent the last hours of 2009 and the first hour of 2010 in this spot! (:

Today marks the end of the first month of 2010.

January felt rather short since I was away in Australia over the new year until Jan 9. Then the week right after, I spent 3 days up in Malaysia with my family because my dad had a business meeting to attend to up there.

And the middle of January also marks the conclusion of the 9-month long Discipleship-Bible study course. Today was also the last day I play piano with the worship team before leaving for studies...

This day also marks the day I gain official permission to drive without my dad's supervision! It's another milestone in life. =D

It's a sort of a start to a lot of new things, this February... Many things to anticipate and quite a lot of scary new changes. I guess I'll take it a day at a time. In someone's familiar words, 'one little baby step at a time.'

Christmas 2009

And so as I look back on the time that's gone by and look forward to the days left in 2009, it is my prayer that I may - on hindsight - be better able to see how God's hand was present through the trials and joys... and once again sing of that amazing grace of God's love for me.

/scribbled thoughts.

Sweet Potato Leaves and Garlic

Sweet potato leaves... garlic, chilli, small shrimps and white bait. Eggs. Soup.

She was in the kitchen. With her mother at the helm, it was fairly easy to manage dinner preparation. If she's observant enough, she'll probably pick up more tips and tricks in the days to come before she starts life far away from home.

Eggs. How many did her mother want? Four.

She took four out of the fridge and decided to practice cracking them all one-handed. 'Tap the eggs smartly and do it confidently', she thought. All the eggs came out well and the feat pleased her immensely.

Sitting opposite her mother, they were now diligently preparing the sweet potato leaves. Her mother had expressed surprise at the choice of vegetable she bought, saying that it would have been better to eat this outside since it's time-consuming preparing it for cooking. The vegetable stalk needs to be "skinned" otherwise you'll feel like you're chewing on tough old stalks.

Almost an hour of peeling versus ten minutes of eating.

Removing the thin layers along the stalks of the sweet potato leaves is a pretty tedious task. Very tedious but she wasn't complaining. It was her second favourite vegetable after kangkong (most people who like kangkong also like sweet potato leaves fried in a similar way).

... Life far away from home? That's a strange thought, but better to shelve it for the moment and focus on the cloves of garlic.

She chose a smallish knife and began peeling the white papery skin of the first clove. And then more quickly, she moved on to the second, the third and the fourth. Finally, the last clove was a bit trickier - it had a brown bit which she proceeded to deftly carve out and discard. Feeling the slight stickiness of the garlic juice on her finger tips, she pursed her lips. Sure, the garlic lends its lovely flavour to just about any dish, but the one thing she didn't appreciate was having the smell of garlic stuck on her fingertips even after many washes.

Next, she chose the vegetable chopper.

SMACK!

The vegetable chopper came down hard on its side. That felt good.

Smack, smack, smack, smack!

Five smashed cloves of garlic lay on the chopping board like a piece of abstract art.

She began to chop the garlic as fast as she could, thinking it would be funny if she tried pretending she was chopping like the Yan-Can-Cook person. Didn't turn out too well when the garlic bits started flying off the board. She laughed at a memory of a cookout where the garlic quantity kept diminishing as it was chopped up over time.

-----

This is my second day minding house chores... It feels a bit strange, but I reckon this will be an interesting month for me. =p

Y'noe I was hanging the clothes for the first time in a long time... and it occurred to me to see if I could conjure up any creative thoughts while doing it, but I found myself just comfortably zoning out instead.

Maybe something will happen or float along some other time. =p

5 times 3 equals?

It's a little shocking to realise that this would only be post number 15 of 2009.

And then, to realise that 2009 would soon be over... It's kinda surreal trying to recall the graduation in May and much harder still to go as far as January.

It feels like a long time has passed.

I would write more, but I'm not sure what holds me back from writing like I used to - just rambling pretty much openly. Maybe there's nothing holding me back but just that I've lost touch or haven't felt the need to express things. The part of me that used to like the world to see what I write has also changed to become pretty much the opposite.

Do I even have things that I really need to express here? Or has this just become some vain record of things?

At least, I think I used to blog more when I was feeling so-called "emo" and in better times I write when I felt like I wanted to share something good or respond to something. Nowadays I'm pretty much afraid of anything that gets me feeling like the former and I don't feel so much need to do the latter when I'm free to be on MSN almost all the time and there's not so much to respond to.

Am I even making sense?

Growing Up and Growing Down

Isaiah 42:16

"And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them."

-----

That was a verse that came to me this evening, and it gave me a great sense of comfort, and more interestingly, a pleasant and surprising peace. I can't express how this is quite the perfect balm for weariness and that icky sense of being 'lost' or feeling like you're walking blind.


Why "Growing Up and Growing Down"? Well, on a quite unrelated note, I was just musing to myself and thinking of the title in the context of how a tree should grow.

A young tree that expends itself on simply growing upwards too fast without care for growing its roots downwards is not going to be strong. This young tree may bear bloom and lend shade with its glorious crown, but it certainly isn't going to be standing for too long in the face of a strong wind or drought because of its shallow roots.

Similarly, another young tree expends itself on growing downwards without care for growing upwards is going to be a very miserable stump. It may be firmly rooted to the ground and be able to reach underground water, but the fact remains that it is most likely to remain a barren tree.

Growing as a Christian should follow a process that is balanced between both growing up and growing down. Often we neglect one or the other without realising that it is required of us to grow progressively both ways to fulfill His purpose for us. Expending too much on one direction or the other is much like our wilful ways of living by our own wisdom and strength. We think we know better than our loving Creator and that growing one way faster is better than the other. Perhaps we think we know better the precise timing of seasons and the ebb and flow of changing tides.

Too often and sometimes too late, we don't realise how far we have deviated from the real purpose of budding, blooming and bringing forth fruits for His glory. Instead we end up bearing more consequences then fruits.

How very tragic!

-----


A hymn to share, for it did strike me as very, very relevant to my current situation of learning to exercise patience, learning to trust in His better judgement during all this waiting... for just about everything that my own weak human heart desires.

It's from the CD recording that Grace gave me and I hope I managed to type out all the words to the hymn correctly. =p Hope it becomes an encouragement to you too, dear reader. (:


Wait Upon the Lord

Though the pathway before you uncertain may be
Trust the Lord no good thing He'll withhold back from thee
He is perfect in wisdom and faithful to bless
Trust His Word in His time, He will give you His best

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength
They shall mount up with wings as eagles
They shall run and not grow weary
They'll walk and not faint

Wait I say, wait on the Lord.

Be not weary in waiting for love suffers not
If you faint not you reap when the harvest is come
Run with patience the race as you rest on His word
For your testing will teach you to wait on the Lord

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength
They shall mount up with wings as eagles
They shall run and not grow weary
They'll walk and not faint

Wait I say, wait on the Lord.

New Trial

"O Lord, we pray "Thy will be done" or
"Master, here am I."
We pray You'd do a mighty work
That to the flesh we'd die.
And when the answer comes to us
In form of trial and test,
We fail to see Your loving hand,
Refining fire is best."

I can't help recalling this hymn when I decided to blog today [/update: yesterday]. Below are some points that I took down during the message at Sunday service:

1) Trials are opportunities, rather than impossible obstacles
2) Trials are spiritual opportunities, bringing new muscles to our faith
3) Trials are opportunities for growth and bringing us closer to maturity

Trials are opportunities for us to grow closer to the Lord, we must actively seek the Lord in prayer for wisdom to overcome the seemingly impossible obstacles that we see before us. It is also important to then apply God-given wisdom and discernment during this time to see how God is leading you, identify what needs refinement and realise what isn't aligned to His will for us. Be on guard that we must not to let other 'voices' stumble us in our faith that the Lord will provide a way far better, sometimes invisible to us, than the one that we think is best for ourselves.

---

Currently exhausted from the church congregation day out that took place from lunch (after service) onwards up to 9pm just now. It has been a very trying and tiring weekend in terms of service and desiring to be as cheerful and normal as I possibly can with people I come into contact with.

Weekend was something likes this: Worship practice on Friday night, the worship session before the evangelistic church event on Saturday, meetings, arrangements for a fellow sister's birthday, and then there was today's congregation outing to Labrador park. All that on top of struggling with the feeling that something else was silently weighing me down and making me feel very weary, joyless and unable to fully bring myself to come before God in prayer.

I guess there's still some energy left to pen down some things that are on my mind before turning in to rest tonight.

Strange enough, it was apt that today's message was on the book of James, chapter 1:2-8 (maybe these verses will speak to you too, in your own circumstances, as they have done for me):

"2My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

3Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

4But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

5If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

6But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.

7For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.

8A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."

Well, to be brief, something happened two days ago, on the Friday night.

I logged on as usual to check my application status for UCF only to discover a notice under the Undergraduate Applications section informing me that my application for Spring 2010 has been unsuccessful as there were too many applicants. There were no immediate further instructions or any immediate details as to what I was lacking and whether I had any other options to go with (reapply to Summer or Fall 2010?).

I guess what first came to my mind was, "What? But why?"

There was certainly this sinking sense of disappointment and denial that crept in when I re-read the notice over again, just to be sure my eyes were seeing right.

Disappointment.

At a loss for words or what to think.

Weary.

Definitely bewilderment because I had thought that God was leading me in -this- particular way.

Why was the answer this time, "No"? Can it possibly be for the best?

I wish I knew. I wish I could know exactly why this 'setback' falls within God's plans for me. I'm also left to ponder the options and next set of action plans laid in front of me which I've been given from the time that I was seeking for directions from God.

Will it still be Journalism/Communications still? Or will it be Music? Will it be US or Australia or...?

Right now, I need the courage to take new steps forward and to honestly review and reevaluate the choices I am presented with, and I need renewed strength to continue seeking the Lord's will for my future.


Whichever it is, let the decision for the direction forward come from You alone, Lord.


P.S: An encouragement for you: SMILE! You will have tough times but with His grace, you can persevere and you will grow. (:

Comfort

"Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God." - Psalm 42:11

It would probably have been hard to imagine how the psalmist was still able to praise God like he did in Psalms 42, despite all the troubles he must have been going through. I guess for me, it is the times when you are going through a particularly tempestuous day, when you find yourself bitter with complaints and when there's dark storm outside late at night. It's these times when I can acutely feel as if I haven't got anything to be thankful for and then of course, it would be harder still to then find any praise on my lips. After all, it is these times that praise often seems the most irrelevant thing, humanly speaking, to be giving.

But if I have learnt anything at all from everything that God has let me go through, it's quite simply that I have no refuge at all in anyone or any earthly thing apart from His perfect truth, power, grace, mercy and complete knowledge and wisdom in everything. Thus it is precisely because I have a refuge and comfort that I can run to, where I can seek Him and lay down the hurts and confusions of the day, that I can still praise Him.

Which is why today, even as I cried in disappointment and confusion, I was surprised to find that with His help, I could quickly turn away from otherwise sinful trains of thoughts, and could choose yet to praise Him for His better judgement. And I know that when I choose to hold fast to the truth that He is my God who is greater and mightier than everything, I have victory over everything else that attempts to work against His will and perfect plans. I know I can still have hope in Him even when I have unanswered questions and prayers because He still knows best.



"...One word from Him will calm every storm, and turn midnight darkness into the light of noon, the bitterest complaints into joyful praises. Our believing expectation of mercy must quicken our prayers for it. At length, is faith came off conqueror, by encouraging him to trust in the name of the Lord, and to stay himself upon his God. He adds, And my God; this thought enabled him to triumph over all his griefs and fears. Let us never think that the God of our life, and the Rock of our salvation, has forgotten us, if we have made his mercy, truth, and power, our refuge. Thus the psalmist strove against his despondency: at last his faith and hope obtained the victory. Let us learn to check all unbelieving doubts and fears. Apply the promise first to ourselves, and then plead it to God." (Matthew Henry)

You Will Be Missed

Dearest Ellie,

I will miss you. You are something really special and you've won yourself a special place in our hearts. You lived a full life - one that was stretched from just days -for you would have never made it out there on your own where mummy and daddy found you. And over the two years, you brought us all joy and countless delights from your little corner in the house.

You had our love, attention and affections.

I will miss your cute button nose, your elfin ears and tufty tail. Those paws and teeth that break the silence of the house in the quiet of the night by your persistent scratching and gnawing. I will miss your squeaks when I pick you up. I will miss watching you busy with the toilet rolls and preparing your bedding. We will miss the routine of taking turns to feed you at different times of the day.

I will miss your patterns and small actions that I've learnt from watching you.

I will miss seeing your cage in that little corner of the house as I come up the stairs. It feels bare now. Empty.

Yet it is in this visible emptiness that I remember all the little moments of earned trust, the playtimes and your antics. I'm glad that I treasured every moment you lived and had the chance at the end to hold you close and tell you "It's ok, Ellie love", although it hurt to watch you go.

Thank you for waiting for us and using your last ounce of strength to try to get up and look up at all of us.

You live on in our hearts as a blessing and a reminder to us of God's amazing creations and His control over all lives and even death.

Night-night, Ellie. Love you.

Christian Love and Unity

As I sat down to eat the portion of dinner (which I cooked but ironically had no time to eat earlier) saved for me at 11pm today after returning from worship practice at church, I was reminded of the 3 nights in Phayak that the team had late dinner together at Phayak Methodist Church. Returning from the village evangelism programmes, many of us would be itchy from bites, stinky, sticky and sweaty, drenched by the rain (at the first VE) and oftentimes physically exhausted. Yet the fellowship at our dinner tables would always be filled with laughter and pure Christian joy as we partake in the nutritious food prepared by the church ladies.

How precious! Those moments when we live in unity and peace, bolstering each other for the next long day of work and service for the Lord.

Even now, a week on from our return to Singapore last Wednesday midnight, I still find myself missing the experience of communal meals, the devotions and times of worship together over the 10 days. The feeling of eating sambal kangkong and bittergourd soup alone at this hour of the day felt simply worlds apart from eating with the team.

Maybe in a time of the past, I would have attributed these feelings to "withdrawal" or simply "missing" the people. But now I see that this craving -or desire- cannot be fulfilled simply by the company of any people or being at a particular place. It is a special vacuum that God designed to fill with His love and peace. This want to be at peace and have fellowship with our sisters and brothers is not because of the physical comfort it brings, but it is there within us because it is God's intention for us as written in Psalm 133:1-3:

"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard, even Aaron's beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments; As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of Zion: for there the LORD commanded the blessing, even life for evermore."


Matthew Henry's commentary on Psalm 133:1-3:

We cannot say too much, it were well if enough could be said, to persuade people to live together in peace. It is good for us, for our honour and comfort; and brings constant delight to those who live in unity. The pleasantness of this is likened to the holy anointing oil. This is the fruit of the Spirit, the proof of our union with Christ, and adorns his gospel. It is profitable as well as pleasing; it brings blessings numerous as the drops of dew. It cools the scorching heat of men's passions, as the dews cool the air and refresh the earth. It moistens the heart, and makes it fit to receive the good seed of the word, and to make it fruitful. See the proof of the excellency of brotherly love: where brethren dwell together in unity, the Lord commands the blessing. God commands the blessing; man can but beg a blessing. Believers that live in love and peace, shall have the God of love and peace with them now, and they shall shortly be with him for ever, in the world of endless love and peace. May all who love the Lord forbear and forgive one another, as God, for Christ's sake, hath forgiven them.

Prayer

Dear Lord,

Help me to trust in Your leading and help me to be a tool in Your hands in the time that I'll be on the mission field. Give me the strength that I will need with each day and hour - physically, mentally and spiritually - to carry out what needs to be done and give me a heart of humility as I serve. For You alone deserve the glory and may everything I do be pleasing in your sight.

Amen.

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Please remember us and pray for the team and myself, dear reader. (:

Practical Lesson 2

Clutch, gear one.
Hand brake.
Gas pedal. Control.
Half-clutch.
Feel the biting point?

Yes...

Slowly... Accelerate.
Clutch. Gear two.

No-entry signs.

One-way street.

Accelerate. Release clutch.
Watch the junction. Steer.
Clutch. Gear three.
Release clutch.
Clutch. Gear four.
Release clutch.
Signal left.
Clutch. Gear three.

Red light.

Release clutch, braking.
Stop.
Clutch. Neutral gear.
Clutch. Gear one, standby.
Gas pedal, maintain at 2000r/m.
Half-clutch. Crawl.
Accelerate. Release gas pedal.
Clutch. Gear two.
Release clutch. Accelerate.
Clutch. Gear three.
Release clutch.
Clutch. Gear four.
Release clutch.
Maintain 50km/h.
Warning horn.
Up slope, down slope.
Signal left.
Clutch. Gear three.
Release clutch.
Reduce speed.
Keep left, gauge kerb distance.
Braking.
Clutch.
Hold brake.
Stop.
Neutral gear.
Release clutch.
Hand brake.
Release brake pedal.

Sighs.