Rapture of Being Alive ...

People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life.
I don't think that's what we're really seeking.
I think that what we're seeking is an experience of being alive...
so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.
~Joseph Campbell

oh yes.

Can't speak for anyone else here, but what I want, beyond anything else, is a vibrant, full-bodied experience of BEing alive.

The whole thing ... full-throttle ... no holds barred ... wringing every bit of juice out of every moment ... every sense involved and participatory ... every nuance explored ... every level of my BEing, physical, emotional, spiritual, engaged and encountered.

But that's all.

It may seem that living for rapture is a selfish act reserved for the elite, or that it's a fancy phrase for hedonism. But it isn't. Rapture is not a selfish emotion. It is pure gratitude, flowing freely through the body, heart and soul. Gratitude for what? For breath, for colors, for music, for friendship, humor, weather, sleep, awareness. It is a willing engagement with the whole messy miracle of life. The world suffers more from unhappy, stifled people trying to do good, than it does from those who are simply content within themselves.

Now, I'm learning something I initially resisted (though, of course, what we resist persists ...). I'm learning that inner contentment comes via the path of pain ... for it hurts to let go of the external things we *think* will make us happy. Before we can connect with others, we have to know, and love, ourselves. This seems to often require a time of aloneness, even loneliness ... which doesn't mean solitude. We can feel, and even be, alone while surrounded by others ...

The great loneliness -- like the loneliness a caterpillar endures when she wraps herself in a silky shroud and begins the long transformation from chrysalis to butterfly. It seems that we too must go through such a time, when life as we have known it is over -- when being a caterpillar feels somehow false and yet we don't know who we are supposed to become. All we know is that something bigger is calling us to change. And though we must take the journey alone, and even if suffering is our only companion, soon enough we will become a butterfly, soon enough we will taste the rapture of being alive.

Every single syllable resonates for me here ...! Butterflies loom large in my life. They speak of transformation, freedom, soaring, beauty, joy, and trust. I wear a butterfly pendant strewn with amethysts and rose quartz (amethyst is the stone symbolizing the crown chakra, and speaks of transformation; rose quartz symbolizes the heart chakra, and speaks of unconditional love and emotional healing).

I've meditated throughout this healing journey lately ... and I've seen myself as being in a cocoon ... hiding away from the world, tucked in with myself, in a state of "transformational goo" ... no longer what I was, but unsure of what I'll be ... awaiting wings.

Last night, during an intuition class gathering, we did another meditation ... I received a gift in this vision ... at first, I thought it was a cake, but as I reached for it, it turned out to be an elaborately folded Japanese wedding kimono, white, and covered with intricate embroidery (turns out that a white kimono means an ending and a beginning ... and I sense this means a "wedding of me with my soul")



... and I was told that it was made out of the silk of my own cocoon ... and the long sleeves did indeed look like butterfly wings. I was told that I was no longer in the cocoon, that that season had passed ... that I could now wear the kimono, and fly... it had nothing to do with how I *feel* ... that this is a spiritual reality.

(Then they all looked at me, opened their mouths, and sang, "Feelin' Groovy" -- I kid you not!)

(no, I do not have "normal" meditative experiences ... shouldn't be surprised!)


I cannot affirm that I am FEELing like I'm out of the cocoon, and can now fly. But they were adamant that this was not about feelings ... it's about reality. More of that stepping out into darkness stuff...? Crap.

I mean, would it be too much to ask for a spiritual lantern, or a flashlight? I keep finding the edge of the abyss, in the dark ... like the Tarot Fool ...

(Hmmm... I felt compelled to mention the Tarot Fool ... don't know why, but I saw it in my mind's eye ... and, just for kicks and giggles, I looked it up -- fascinating what it says here):

The Fool represents the "everyperson" - the essence of us all embarking on the journey of life, self-discovery and mastery. He is the innocent, the whimsical, the "inner child" mixed with the "inner sage" that lives down deep inside of us all. He faces life and his journey unafraid, trusting, the perfect example of total and utter faith that all will be well, that every experience has a deep essential meaning. He traipses along the crags of life, regardless of any hidden peril or disappointment, his eyes are turned to the heavens and he knows that he will be kept safe and whole along his travels. Key words associated with the Fool are new beginnings, important decisions and optimism.

He is the first and the last, the alpha and the omega. It represents both the fledgling beginner and the adept master. The Fool reminds us of things, sacred things, that we have forgotten or repressed. The Fool knows his or her own ignorance, thus is seen as the most wise.

Because the Fool is trusting and open to all experiences, he provides the perfect role model as we too embark on our life journey. The Fool coaxes us to walk our own path, not the path of the "herd". To trust our own inner voice, our intuition and our inner knowing and to embark on our life course with faith and a stout heart. We need trust, faith in the goodness of life and people, and an undying belief that all will work out exactly as it should.

The Fool is the ultimate "Free Spirit" - this card represents the self-actualized person, free from societal constraints, someone who is able to let go of outmoded beliefs and ideals with the courage to pursue their own special path.

Oh wow ... that could well be my life's motto...!

Have you ever felt caught up in a sychronistically-serendipitous moment ...? I'm having one right now. Goosebumps...!


Back to the rapture theme ...

If ... an evening sky, or an old song has not made your heart flip-flop lately, why not? What is keeping you from feeling the rapture? I can assure you, you won't find the answer in a lighted room. What stands between you and a full-bodied life can only be found in the shadows. What wants to live in you may be waiting -- as it was for me -- at the end of a long loneliness.

Hmmm... was the cocoon experience the same as the "long loneliness"..? If I've come out of the cocoon (regardless of how I currently FEEL), am I now about to discover "what wants to live in me"...?

What's that I feel ...? A deeply-percolating sense of excited anticipation ...?

Could be...

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

More Quotes & Quips ...

The soul's knock in the night can take many forms. You may experience it as a deep sense of longing. Not the kind of longing that leads to the mall or the refrigerator but the kind that moves downward, to a soft ache in the heart. It's the kind of longing that leads you to ask, "Is this all there is to my life? Is this what I am supposed to be doing, feeling, giving, getting?" This kind of longing can feel threatening. And so you silence its rumblings over and over until it demands to be heard -- until it morphs into something else: a crisis or an illness or an addiction or some other Strange Angel.

She's got my number.

I've heard that knocking all my life. I've asked those questions all my life. I silenced them with blind obedience ... trying harder ... then rebelling ... trying to re-create myself ... meeting society's expectations ...

And OH yes, it has demanded to be heard! Via addiction ... via crises ... via unthinkable events.

The knock at the door can come as a disquieting dream or as a secret plan that you pray you'll never enact: leaving a job or a marriage, finally telling your mother off, revealing a hidden truth to the world. Are these bad ideas, or are they Sleeping Giants and Strange Angels? Perhaps it is best to leave these kinds of questions unanswered ...

But the soul wants you to go beneath. It leads downward. It says, "Don't ignore the signs. Follow your longing down. Go beneath the surface of your troubled mind, your bad moods, your repetitive mistakes. Go beneath the surface questions to even deeper questions." The soul asks questions like these: "What is that weight that holds you back? What inside of you is saying no!? Are you willing to look at yourself? To take responsibility for your own life? Are you willing to let something die, in order for something new to arise? What must die? What wants to live? The soul tells you to root around in the dark stuff for the deeper questions, and to let those questions lead you from the darkness to the light.

I read these words, and I am overcome with a heady combination of both trembling excitement and paralyzing fear ...! Between the gravitational pull of the fear, and the heart-bursting desire to soar, I am stuck. And so ... I continue to await clarity. Not as in "what will I decide to do?" ... but "what will be revealed as my soul's purpose." This isn't about making a decision, so much as seeing what IS.

When you feel chronically confused, or stuck, or enraged, or afraid, you can be sure that the Sleeping Giants are rumbling under the surface of your life. They want to awaken. Soon they'll be knocking at the door. You are welcome to turn them away. You can spend a lifetime turning them away and going back to sleep. Or you can open the door and admit them. The Sleeping Giants and Strange Angels may bring with them risky advice. If you listen, your life may change; you will certainly change. If you turn a deaf ear, you'll stay the same. It's up to you.

So - how 'bout if the Sleeping Giants already banged the door down, disallowing for the option to go back to sleep, and lured me out of bed with their risky advice ... what if I did listen, and did heed, and did go ... what if my life did indeed change, and what if I did change (as in forever-altered) ... and what if, due to the choices of others, I ended up back in that same "bed" ... with a reeling mind, and a broken heart, and utter confusion about what my options now actually *are* ...?

Y'know, just saying, "what if"... :)

All I know to do, is to witness the reeling of the mind ... to allow the broken-open heart to prepare me for another level of love ... and to trust that as I find Me, clarity will become ... well, clear.

Witness ... allow ... trust.

Yes, that fits.

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Meandering Musings upon Random Reflections

Feeling a bit floaty and ephemeral today, so I'm going with it ... I'll just share various quotes from this book ("Broken Open" by Susan Lesser), and respond, if so led.

Every single person on Earth hurts; it's when we have shame about our failings that hurt turns into suffering.

I'm reminded of Byron Katie here ... "it's not what happens to me that hurts me - it's what I think about what happens to me that hurts me." (loose paraphrase of a quote I've internalized)

Shame ... it's that insidious lie that tells us that we're not inherently good enough. That we're flawed at our core ... that something is just *wrong* with our being. It's bogus. Big. Fat. Lie.

We hurt. We all hurt. It comes with the territory of being human. We chose this -- it's why we're here (there are other options, y'know, whether we remember them or not). It's how we learn -- by experiencing life ... we learn what we do want, by experiencing what we don't want. Contrast. Doncha just *loooove* contrast...?!?

[Quote from a formerly-numbed-out man...] "I am so glad to finally feel something. Even if I have to cry every day for a couple of years, it's better than having a frozen heart."

This woman possessed a frozen heart for 21 years ... with very brief forays into emotion, from which I quickly retreated. I have known pain. As we all have. I can say, even in the midst of current (though lessening) pain ... I would rather cry daily (& yes, I have at times doubled over, unable to breathe), than to live in a state of frozen numbness. In fact, the more I dive INto the pain, the more I honor it with my attention, the more deeply I allow myself to express it -- the quicker it passes. It's that suppressed pain, that denied pain, that stoically-managed pain, that morphs into long-term (and oh-so-unnecessary!) suffering ...

I know what Albert Einstein meant when he said that the most appropriate response to life is "Sacred Awe."

The more I read about Albert, the more I wish I'd known him. Or ... maybe I do..! ;)

I have read more spiritual texts and self-help books than is probably legal.

Ha! Did I write that, or quote that ..?!? Sheesh, when I glance at my overflowing shelves ... it's like a timeline of my spiritual journey ... what-I-believed-when ... right there in chronological order ... I was once so very sure of what I thought I believed ... and now ... well, the more I know, the less I know that I know. My absolutes done shrunk. I still love to read ... for I love to be reminded of who I am, and what I've forgotten ... I love it when my inner-Self jumps up and down in joy, singing, "YES!"

I do so love those moments...!

Life as a human being here on Earth can not be sanitized, rationalized, or tranquilized into a rigid vision of the way it's "supposed to be." Life will always be quirky, dynamic, changing and messy. The way of the heart -- that inner instinct that draws us creatively into the chaos of life -- is, ironically, also the way out of confusion, anxiety and suffering.

Life is not tidy, comprehensible, or numb. There are no objective standards to attain. There's a sublime beauty to the creative chaos of human life.

I have grown up in a culture and a family that valued thinking and doing over feeling and loving. But here was Chogyam Trungpa, this brilliant thinker, this advanced scholar, and this brave warrior, whispering like a spiritual cupid into my ear: "Follow the tender girl who longs for love. She knows the way. Don't be afraid."

Why, I wonder, would the "longing for love" be so dismissed, so denigrated, so denied, within our culture? Why do we see that longing as less-than, compared with ... success, and wealth, and status, and power, and reputation, and achievement ...? We are love. We are here to learn that ... to express that ... to experience that.

And yet ... it's ridiculed as being "unnecessary" ... perhaps it explains the hollow sense of futility so many of us can feel, when we accumulate all manner of success, wealth, status, power, reputation and achievement ... and then ask, "is this all there is???"

I think I shall follow that tender girl who longs for love ... I think I shall stop being afraid.


Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

That (Stinkin') Journey ...

Learn the alchemy
true human beings know.
The moment you accept
what troubles you've been given,
the door will open.~ Rumi

Soooo ... how does one launch into that journey from Once-Born to Twice-Born wisdom...? Where's that covert courage required to make a big change ...? How can we tap into the power of a challenging struggle, in order to fuel growth?

I find that it helps to remember that I am not alone in this endeavor. The feeling of isolation is an illusion -- albeit a persistent one. Most often a self-imposed one.

I envision all of us walking around, imagining that our struggles are unique ... that our pain is shameful (& therefore must. be. hidden.) ... that our eccentricities and "failures" and longings are exceptional ... we compare our insides to others' outsides, and we surmise that we ought to work harder at measuring up to some imaginary (egoic) standard.

So, we hide out -- and we miss out.

I love how Susan Lesser articulates it (oh she is a sublime word-artist!):

We become voyeurs of the kinds of experiences that our own souls are longing to have. We have the real opportunity to live fully, with passion and meaning and profound satisfaction. It is our birthright to uncover the soul -- to remove the layers of fear or shame or apathy or cynicism that conceal it.

When I read this, I had to put the book down, and just breathe ... I had to allow the welling-up emotions to overflow out of my heart, and onto my lap ... and as I gazed on them, as I felt them, I then became acutely aware of far-deeper emotions ... seemingly lodged in the depths of my gut -- as if locked away in the dungeon of my subconsciousness -- banished feelings, buried where no light can shine ... except ... every so often, the words of another can serve as a permission-catalyst ... coaxing them out, into the open, to be witnessed, experienced, and released ...

Why do we hide ourselves from others? From ourselves? Why do we imagine that this is a secret, when we're all doing it? Rumi calls this the "Open Secret" ... our secret underbelly ... our fears, shames, pains, weaknesses ... but each of us has this "shadow self" ... this bumbling bozo side ... that bad-tempered "evil twin" ... that unkind jerkish reactionary "part" ...

Just like you, I wonder if life has meaning; I worry and fret over things I can't control; and I often feel overcome with a longing for something that I cannot even name. For all of my strengths and gifts, I am also a vulnerable and insecure person, in need of connection and reassurance. This is the secret I try to keep from you, and you from me, and in doing so we do each other a grave disservice.

I am that. I am both open and vulnerable. Strong and insecure. Self-aware and in need of reassurance. Solitude-craving, and connection-hungered. I am a walking dichotomy. Coming together, and falling apart.

Ohhh, for a world (or even a relationship!), wherein people can get downright real. Where permission is given, and received, to just BE. Messy and all. Thick in the middle of sloppy processing. Free. Accepted. Seen. Loved anyway.

Most of us pound on the door to freedom and happiness with every manipulative ploy save the one that actually works. If you're interested in opening the door to the heavens, start with the door to your own secret self. See what happens when you offer to another a glimpse of who you really are. Start slowly. Without getting dramatic, share the simple dignity of yourself in each moment -- your triumphs and your failures, your satisfaction and your sorrow. Face your embarrassment at being human, and you'll uncover a deep well of passion and compassion. It's a great power, your Open Secret. When your heart is undefended, you make it safe for whomever you meet to put down his burden of hiding, and then you both can walk through the open door.

I don't know how else to live ... I got excommunicated from my old ways of coping, and there's no going back.

So, on I go, into the fearsomely-alluring wildness of the uncharted territory ... onward through the woods.

Anyone else in here with me...? Reach out your hand in the dark ... if only for a moment.

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Once Born ... Twice Born ...

(No, it's not what you think ...!)

In the middle of the journey of our life
I found myself within a dark woods
Where the straight way was lost.
~ Dante Alighieri

Here's more from Susan Lesser's "Broken Open" ...

Our own life stories are myths in the making ... we can all find ourselves in the Old and New Testaments of the Bible, in the parables of the Buddhist and Hindu traditions, and in the shamanic stories of indigenous people, from the Americas to Africa. We can reframe past events and experience our present life as if we too are gods and goddesses, heroes and heroines, warriors and wanderers."

And isn't that why we read? To not only find ourselves adventuring in the story we're engaging, but to discover how the story actually echoes a theme within our own life...? Who hasn't experienced that deep "yes!" of excited-recognition when the words on the page cause us to remember an essence of our true self..?

The philosopher William James wrote that there are two kinds of people in this world -- the Once-Born and the Twice-Born. Once-Born people do not stray from the familiar territory of who they think they are and what they think is expected of them. If fate pushes them to the edge of Dante's famous dark woods -- where the straight way is lost -- they turn back. They don't want to learn something new from life's darker lessons. They stay with what seems safe and what is acceptable to their family and society. They stick to what they already know but don't necessarily want. Once-Born people may go through life and never even know what lies beyond the woods -- or that there are woods at all.

Perhaps a Once-Born person wakes up one morning and feels the beckoning finger of fate loosening disturbing questions: "Is this all there is to life? Will I always feel the same? Do I not have some purpose to fulfill, some greater kindness to give, some inner freedom to taste?" And then he gets out of bed and dresses for work, and he doesn't attend to the soul's questions. The next morning, and all the next mornings, he lives as if the soul was a figment of a flighty imagination. This inattention makes him confused, or numb, or sad or angry.

We all begin here ... as a Once-Born. Most of humanity remains here ... it is the consciousness of status quo. Doing What Is Expected. Staying Safe. Living according to the dictates of society's egoic mandates. We are rewarded with a sense of security ... the approval of the masses ... a feeling of "fitting in" ... and, if we are able to master (& maintain) a strong enough sense of denial, we may succeed in suppressing the soul's messages for many years ... and even decades. Ahh, but at what cost ...?

A Twice-Born person pays attention when the soul pokes its head through the clouds of a half-lived life. Whether through choice or calamity, the Twice-Born person goes into the woods, loses the straight way, makes mistakes, suffers loss, and confronts that which needs to change within himself in order to live a more genuine and radiant life.

The journey into the woods of change and transformation is an inner one. The outer story need not be a soap opera [though it can appear to be], since the real drama is being carried out in the heart of the traveler. The most ordinary-looking lives are often being lived by the most extraordinary spiritual warriors -- people who have chosen the road less taken, the road of self-reflection. Twice-Born people use the difficult changes in their outer lives to make the harder changes within. While Once-Born people avoid or deny or bitterly accept the unpredictable changes of real life, Twice-Born people use adversity for awakening. Betrayal, illness, divorce, the demise of a dream, the loss of a job, the death of a loved one -- all of these can function as initiations into deeper life.

Wondering, to myself ... what differentiates a Once-Born from a Twice-Born? Are we just at various stages of readiness to make the inner journey? Do we have differing degrees of tolerance for adversity? Do we have inherent perspectives that enable us to see such adversity as an open door ... rather than a door slammed in our face? Or is it all about the individual souls' journeys... each of us on a unique path, depending on what we desire/need to learn, what we came here to experience...? Is it that we can no longer remember why we came here, and the job of the soul is to awaken us to that which is forgotten...?

The journey from Once-Born to Twice-Born brings us to a crossroads where the old ways of doing things are no longer working, but a better way lies somewhere at the far edge of the woods. We are afraid to step into those woods but even more afraid to turn back. To turn back is one kind of death; to go forward is another. The first kind of death ends in ashes;the second leads toward rebirth. For some of us, the day arrives when we step willingly into the woods. A longing to wake up, to feel more alive, to feel something spurs us beyond our fear. Some of us resist like hell until the forces of fate deliver a crisis. Some of us get sick and tired of filling an inner emptiness with drugs or drink or food [or work, or religion, or achievement], and we turn and face our real hunger: our soul hunger.

I know those crossroads well. I know what it's like to stand at the edge of the woods, seeing no discernible path ... unable to make out the "better way" ... feeling stuck there, at the edge ... miserably uncomfortable, unable to go back, afraid to go forward... treading water in time ... longing with everything in me to feel alive ... not knowing how to get from here to there. Wondering how to trust again ... what to trust in ... how to even take that first step ...

... and yet knowing that I must. My soul's hunger is too ravenous to ignore.

Twice-Born people trade the safety of the known for the power of the unknown. Something calls them into the woods, where the straight path vanishes, and there is no turning back, only going through. This is not easy. It is not a made-up fairy tale. It is very real and very difficult. To face our shadow -- the dragons and hags that we have spent a lifetime running away from -- is perhaps the most difficult journey we will ever take. But it is there, in the shadows, that we retrieve our hidden parts, learn our lessons, and give birth to the wise and mature self. The difficulty of the dark journey is matched only by its rewards. I also know that every single person in this whole world is offered -- over and over -- the chance to take the voyage from Once-Born to Twice-Born wisdom.

Security vs. Freedom. There it is.

The most generous and vital people are those who have been broken open by change, or loss, or adversity [or all three]. And not just broken open on the outside. Indeed, it is the internal transformation that matters most. If there is one thing that has made a difference in my life, it is the courage to turn and face what wants to change within me.

Do I now have that courage?

Perhaps I am in those woods ... and have been. Yes, I can see that's true. Perhaps I couldn't discern the forest for the overshadowing of the closest trees. But perhaps I'm at a stand-still ... perhaps clinging to a familiar tree ... feeling my insecure need for the cozy-habitual playing tug-of-war with the call of my soul to go on ... to face what wants to change within me ... and doubting that I have the courage, the strength, the ability, to continue to go forward in the dark.

Wondering if the darkness goes on and on ... and if, and when, I'll come into some Light.

Loosening my grip now ... on that tree ... knowing I cannot settle for what was ... even though I do not yet know what will be ... so I take a step, and notice that I Am. Here. Now.

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

"Broken Open"

Some snippets from "Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help us Grow" ... by Elizabeth Lesser:

And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom ...

And no one can tell when each one will come to that tipping point ... or even IF they will come..

"You are afraid to feel your real feelings. You are afraid to want what you really want. What do you want? What you want is waiting for you in your own heart. The time has come."

We have been systematically taught to ignore, suppress, despise and even *fear* what we want, and how we feel ... and we, and the world, are much poorer for it ...

How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change. And how ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be. You may be at the beginning of a transition, feeling only a vague mood of restlessness or a nagging nudge in the direction of something new. Or maybe you are in a full-blown period of change; what you thought was your life is now over, and where you are heading is unknown. Perhaps you are coming out of the woods of a difficult time, finally able to take a breath and make sense of the journey. Or maybe you have become aware once again of the obvious yet startling fact that nothing stays the same for very long; that things like the body, relationships, children, work, towns, nations, and the very earth that sustains us are fluid and fleeting - dynamic systems fueled by the breath of change.

I find myself on the precipice between the full-blown period of change/unknown ... and coming out of the woods, beGINing to make sense of the journey.

To be human is to be lost in the woods. None of us arrives here with clear directions on how to get from point A to point B without stumbling into the forest of confusion or catastrophe or wrongdoing. Although they are dark and dangerous, it is in the woods that we discover our strengths. We all know people who say their cancer or divorce or bankruptcy was the greatest gift of a lifetime -- that until the body, or the heart, or the bank was broken, they didn't know who they were, what they felt, or what they wanted.

Noticing ... and wondering ... why we humans, all of whom are prey to getting variously "lost in the woods", make such sport of ridiculing, shaming and punishing others, who also get lost ...? It would appear that such a "misadventure" is necessary for many (most? all?) of us ... and yet we insist on telling another story. Interesting ...

Before their descent into the darkness, they took more than they gave, or they were numb, or full of fear or blame or self-pity. In their most broken moments they were brought to their knees; they were humbled; they were opened. And later, as they pulled the pieces back together, they discovered a clearer sense of purpose and a new passion for life.

Yes ... I can attest to this. And so it has happened ... and so it is happening. May I show others the mercy, grace and understanding I wish I had received ...

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep.~Rumi

I read this late last night, while unable to go to, or stay, asleep ... and for reasons I don't entirely understand (& yet which my heart seems to know), I cried ...

(actually this entire book is speaking deeply into my heart ... and the tears come easily, unbidden ...)

I am fascinated by what it takes to stay awake in difficult times. I marvel at what we all do in times of transition -- how we resist, and how we surrender; how we stay stuck, and how we grow. I have made note of how fiasco and failure visit each one of us, as if they were written into the job description of being human. I have seen people crumble in times of trouble, lose their spirit, and never fully recover. I have seen others protect themselves fiercely from any kind of change, until they are living a half life; safe yet stunted.

Yes ... fiasco and failure do indeed seem to be written into our job descriptions ... it's how we expand, how we grow ... and we must. And how terribly, horribly sad when people live that safe and stunted half-life ...!

Honestly, it's the worst thing I can imagine doing with this life...!

Some are sick and dying ... other are merely dealing with the terminal condition we call life.

This made me smile ... :)

How can I stay awake? What will it take for my longing for wakefulness to become stronger than my fear of change?

Ahhhh... the question of my here and now.


This book was written for

those in search of that shining soul - those who are willing to enter the woods of self-examination in order to retrieve what was never really lost...

Ohhhh yes!

The experience of change and transformation is never complete. something bigger and brighter always calls us to shine through us. We are continually challenged to change and grow, to break down and break through. The first big change made in the name of awakening can be destructive and traumatic. I wondered if so much pain could ever lead to anything good. Some of us need a cataclysmic event to find our way toward "the center of our own existence."

I've kinda-sorta lived a show-and-tell scenario of that one ...

Many of us feel uncomfortable revealing to others - and even to ourselves - what lies beneath the surface of our day to day consciousness.

And I would not be one of those ..! ;)

When you do something from your soul,
you feel a river moving in you,
a joy ...~ Rumi

You can also feel that river flowing when you reach out and help someone in need, when you are in love, when you come through the fire of a difficult endeavor, or when you finally surrender to a painful situation -- when you stop fighting the fear and heartache, and you give over the reins to something greater. When you tire of your own constriction and you open, come what may, to the flow of life, you and your soul become one, and you feel a river moving in you, a joy.

Yet so often we resist the pull of the river. We tune out the call of the soul... Perhaps if we quieted down and asked the soul for direction, we would be moved to make a big change. Maybe that wild river of energy, with its longing for joy and freedom, would capsize our more prudent plans, our ambitions, our very survival. Why should we trust something so indeterminate as a soul? And so we shut down. I know that feeling of deadness; I know how the river diverts itself and breaks through in other ways -- as a desire to blame, as an emotion of anger, as physical illness, as restlessness, or weariness, or self-destruction. The soul always speaks, and sometimes it speaks the loudest when we block its flow, when we live only half of a life, when we stay on the surface.

If we don't listen to the voice of the soul, it sings a stranger tune. If we don't go looking for what lies beneath the surface of our lives, the soul comes looking for us.

Oh wow ... what can I possibly add to that...?!?

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

A Plethora of Flawed Premises ...

These are taken from "The Vortex: Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships" by Abraham-Hicks ...

Regardless of your opinion of the Law of Attraction (& yes, I have seen how it's been uber-commercialized), or Abraham-Hicks (& yes, I used to have a negative view of them myself), see if you can discern how many of the proposed flawed premises here feel "familiar" to you ...

No test will be given -- this is just for your own ruminations ...!


~ Flawed Premise #1 ~ I am either physical, or Non-Physical, either dead or alive.
(What if we existed before our physical birth, before our physical conception? What if we're Non-Physical beings, experiencing a physical manifestation...?)

~ Flawed Premise #2 ~ My parents, because they were here long before I was born, and because they are my parents, know better than I do what is right or wrong for me.
(What if neither a birth date, or a relationship, makes one person more wise than another? What if you chose your parents -- not for the purpose of obeying them, but for the purpose of learning what you did not like ... and therefore what you did like?)

~ Flawed Premise #3 ~ If I push hard enough against unwanted things, they will go away.
(What if this is an inclusion-based universe, rather than an exclusion-based universe? In other words, what if we get more of what we focus on, whether we are saying "yes" to that thing/situation, or "no" to that thing/situation?)

~ Flawed Premise #4 ~ I have come here to live the right way life and to influence others to the same right way of living. And what feels right to me must be the right way of living for all.
(What if, instead, you came here saying, "I will go forth into a sea of contrast; and from it, more ideas will be born"? What if we finally recognized that everything we "war" against, whether poverty, drugs, terrorism, disease, crime, actually inCREASES...?)

~ Flawed Premise #5 ~ Because I am older than you, I am wiser than you; and therefore you should allow me to guide you.
(What if age does not equate to experiential wisdom...? And what if experience is required, personally, for any of us to learn? What if following another actually keeps us from fully living life?)

~ Flawed Premise #6 ~ Who I am began on the day I was born into my physical body. As an unworthy Being, I was born into a life of struggle in order to try to achieve greater worthiness.
(What if you are worthy, just because you are? What if your worth is inherent to your Being? What if you are actually an extension of Eternal Consciousness ... a manifestation of God/Source-Energy? What if there is nothing to achieve? What if awareness is the point to life?)

~ Flawed Premise #7 ~ With enough effort or hard work, I can achieve anything.
(What if our experiential struggles are designed to show us that we're out of alignment with our True Selves, or our Source?)

~ Flawed Premise #8 ~ To be in harmony with another, we have to want and believe the same things.
(What if the only necessary harmony is between you and You? Between the you you perceive you to be, and the You you actually are?)

~ Flawed Premise #9 ~ The path to my joy is through my action. When I am feeling bad, I can get to a better-feeling place by taking action. I can get to what I want by leaving what I don't want.
(What if happiness happens when we discover that nobody but US is responsible for the way we feel? What if believing that others are responsible for how I feel actually keeps me in bondage?)

~ Flawed Premise #10 ~ I cannot have everything I desire, so I have to give up some things that are important to me in order to get others.
(What if the point is to "get happy" within myself, so as to attract things of a similar "happy vibration"? What if it's not about "getting" ... but "allowing"?)

~ Flawed Premise #11 ~ If I leave an unwanted situation, I will find what I am looking for.
(What if it's not about the externals, but about my own practiced pattern of thought that is bringing me what is unwanted?)

~ Flawed Premise #12 ~ There is a finite number of resources that we are all drawing from. So when I am satisfying my own desire, I am depriving someone else of their share.
(What if we are drawing from an INfinite reSource pool? Would it make sense to say, "I only want 50% of my health portion, so that someone else can have my other half"...? Why would any other resource be limited? What if our thoughts/beliefs create our experiential reality?)

~ Flawed Premise #13 ~ There are right ways and wrong ways to live. And all people should discover and agree on what the right way of living is, and then that right way should be enforced.
(What if the laws in our world, both secular and religious, are written by those who are out of alignment with who they really are? IOW, what if it's all based on the ego? Honestly ... has enforcing the law ever worked...?)

~ Flawed Premise #14 ~ There is a God Who, having considered all things, has come to a final and correct conclusion about everything.
(What if this premise is at the root of all of man's assault on mankind, of all wars, all hatred, all sense of unworthiness/guilt/shame ... what if it is the primary cause of why we disallow our own sense of well-being? What if we are here to co-create, rather than to obey?)

~ Flawed Premise #15 ~ You cannot know, while still in your physical body, the true reward or punishment for your physical actions (or choices, or beliefs). Your reward or punishment will be shown to you after your physical death.
(What if that which feels like love IS love ... and that which feels like hate is NOT love? What if the concept of both reward and punishment are of the ego, and not of God?)

~ Flawed Premise #16 ~ By gathering data, we can effectively sort people, and their actions/beliefs into absolute piles of right and wrong. Getting people to comply with our conclusions, and using enforcement, we can bring about harmony on Earth.
(What if this is the root of religion ... again based on the perspective of the ego?)

~ Flawed Premise #17 ~ Only very special people, like the founder of our group/religion, can receive the right message from God. All other messages from all other messengers are therefore incorrect.
(What if this is hooey?)

~ Flawed Premise #18 ~ By ferreting out the undesirable elements in our society, we can eliminate them. And in their absence, we will be freer.
(What if true freedom is the absence of resistance, and the presence of alignment with God/Source? What if we cannot be in harmony with what we want, AND also in the state of pushing against what we do not want, at the same time?)

~ Flawed Premise #19 ~ A good relationship is one in which the dominant intention of each person involved is to find agreement and harmony with the other.
(What if the way it works is for each one to be in alignment with their own Source, and to then celebrate that alignment with each other? What if, in that state, any disagreement would then be seen as beautiful diversity, and enrichment, rather than a threat? What if we canNOT hold another person responsible for our happiness? What if I must be selfish enough to seek harmony with my own Source first -- in order to give you anything of value?)

~ Flawed Premise #20 ~ When I focus on things of a physical nature, I am less spiritual.
(What if everything physical, whether eating, walking, reading, dancing, or having sex, is innately spiritual? What if there is nothing more spiritual, than to allow the true spirit that is you, to flow through every aspect of your physical life? What if this life is to be a celebration of spirit-manifesting-in-physicality...?)

Yeah ... gotta admit, there are quite a few that feel oh-too-familiar to me ...! How 'bout you?

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Meanderous Messages ...

Here's a hodge-podge of "things that done spoke to me" in the past couple of days ... sharing with the world at large (i.e., the 3.5 people who still read my blog, LOL!). Note to that .5 person: please drink coffee before showing up, so that it comes up to "4".

Without further ado:

When the issues of someone else's life have you tied in knots, Dena, it usually means it's time to start focusing on your own life.

Doesn't that feel better?
The Universe

Ok, who's reading my mail?!?

On this day of your life, Dena, I believe God wants you to know...



...that nothing is ever as bleak as it looks. Everything, in fact, is a blessing.

I know, I know...that is sometimes very hard to believe. How can a sudden, calamitous event in one's life be a blessing? It takes a longer view, I know, to see this wonderful truth. Even a diagnosis of a terminal illness could be seen as another gift from life when experienced from a particular perspective.

It is an opportunity for us to express once again, at the next highest level, Who We Really Are. And, if it turns out that, at the Soul level, we have indeed decided to leave our present physicality in this particular way and time, that, too, would be an expression of our Highest Self. And so, all "calamities" are blessings, not yet understood by the Mind. God knew this was a good day for you to hear this...

And again! Egads ... God/Universe/Self sure has my number ...!

Contraction is a sign that birth is imminent.

-- Alan Cohen

LOL -- *this* one I know all-too-well ...! Yep!

Start taking pleasure from your inner reality. Most people are approaching this backwards. Most people are saying, "Okay, I want that, and I am not fulfilled until I get that manifestation." The reason for that promise of manifestation out there, to begin with, is that it gives you the reason to play the game in the inner reality. It is your imagination, it is the feeling of Energy flowing through you that is life.

--- Abraham

Note to Self: don't forget that this is a game. Play with it more. Stop taking it so stinkin' seriously.

"When you join in love with ‘what is’,
your joining occurs at the Source of all connection."

Yes ... I'm learning this at a deeper-than-conscious level. I may have gone into this class kicking and screaming ... but I orchestrated it. And then I forgot.

I'm remembering...

The dream at night is just like the dream of here and now, Dena. You hide from yourself that you create it so that it can seem real, while you pretend not to be who you already are, so that you can finally get what you already have, fun.

...so that you can be who you already are, Dena, and get what you already have....

I say think of this often.

Unicorns and dolphins,
The Universe

So ... I already have a unicorn...? Groovy.

"Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next."
— Jonas Salk

Yes ... I'm learning the slow-and-painful process of yielding my mind to my intuition ...

It's all good -- from your point of view, at least. Luck will be on your side, as your uncanny sense of timing will demonstrate. In truth, though, luck has nothing to do with it. It's your willingness to let go of the steering wheel and let the universe drive.

Let go ... let go ... let go ... (repeat ad nauseam ... or until the nausea passes!).

Sweet mortals of the Universe, do not lay your heads low, begrudging the very day our beloved Creator has given you. Instead, ride freely with whimsical merriment, on the coattails of the very certainty, that is Now! Stop fussing about past foes and worries of what cannot be undone, but instead infuse your immediate reality to that of your perfect manifestation ... When you cannot see the sun for the clouds, you surely block out all that is awaiting your Soul. It aches for enlightenment; it screams out for Divine Guidance, it needs to walk in the Light ...

So very many of you feel lost, at odds, or in search of answers to all of your world’s bothersome troubles, and tribulations. Remember, these extreme and difficult situations, whatever they may be, are carving out the very core of your inner being, the character building experiences of who you are becoming, the extraordinary, exclusive, and altogether remarkable human beings that you are!

Outstanding! As you endure these wearisome conditions, you are attaching yourselves to the Highest Consciousness of You ... This is soul growth. To walk an uncertain, scary new path with your chins up is indeed a feat well accomplished!
~ Thuroc

Well there y'go ... that's about all the meanderingness I can eek out today - savor what feeds you ... let go of the rest.

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Ahem ....!

OK, so I know I just got started on unpacking a book ... a 33-day/step-book at that. But ... I have also, beginning today, just launched myself into a journey ... basically a sort of "spiritual boot-camp" ... something I VERY much need to do, for me, for now, for here ... for life and beyond.

I don't mean to sound either mysterious or cryptic, but ... I do need to keep this adventure a bit personal. This is vital ... something I MUST do for ME. It's gonna be intense ... and I'm eager for this experience to take me deep ... to undo what needs to be undone ... to reveal what IS.

I won't be reading anything of a spiritual (or psychological) nature for a while ... part of a necessary process of keeping things purely focused. However, I imagine that I'll find something to blog about ... something to share, as I go.

Meanwhile ... I received this lovely message, appropriately enough, on my 49th birthday:

Dear Fantastic Girl,

Wrinkles are beautiful and curves are lovely and getting older is a graceful and gorgeous part of life.

Don't believe it? Look around at the women you admire and love. Look at the wise ones and the powerfully loving ones and the ones full of incredible experiences and beautifully humble stories. Look at the lines on their eyes that come from years of smiling through joys and squinting at the sky through sorrows. Look at the authentic woman-ness of their being. Look at their noble and simple authenticity....wrinkles, age spots, curves and all.

Please embrace every part of the aging process, incredible friend. Don't be afraid of growing older. When we obsess over capturing and holding on to youth eternally, we miss out on our turn to be the lovely wise one with all of the experiences to share. We need to give an example to the brave girls who come after us that life is more than the looks of youth and the fear of getting and looking older. We can age with beauty, grace, dignity and pride......and shine as the most beautiful and brightest light in the room, no matter our age or size.

Flaunt that loveliness, dearest. You are gorgeous and radiant and unforgettable.

Thanks for bringing so much authentic beauty into the world.

xoxo

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Project Knowing Infinite Self ~ Step Six

"We Learn About the World Through Common Belief Patterns and Then Go Beyond"

Admittedly a bit unwieldy for a chapter heading ...!

But worth considering ...

This is striking: that which we think we know to be true, we have actually "borrowed" from others. We're like little sponges when we are born ... absorbing all that we're exposed to, and creating our foundation out of our interpretations. We do this without questioning what we're receiving ... just incorporating the "tribal" belief patterns around us ... from parents, siblings, teachers, culture, society.

Since the tribal patterns are in sync with the ego, our own ego doesn't question any of this ... it seems to "fit".

But the very nature of the tribal mind is negativity, fear, dysfunction ...

Now, when we are less-evolved (as a person, or in the course of our own life), the tribal mind is handy .. it extends to us safety, security and familiarity ... a collective consciousness ... the veneer of the strength of group-think. But, this becomes a too-tight fit once we begin to reach for individuality, and much more so once we get a glimpse of the Infinite Self. The tribal mind is then far too restrictive and controlling ... it will seek to hold us back.

The tribal mind says, "warning-warning! don't do that! that's not safe! what will people think?!? you're coloring outside the lines! bad! bad! bad!"

The tribe most definitely wants everyone to remain faithful to status quo. And the programming is both deep and gripping. "Put yourself and your desires/needs aside; sacrifice yourself for others; promote the tribal welfare; do what you're told. or else."

To varying degrees, most of us were taught by family/teachers to be good little robots, and to march to the drummer of obeying-the-rules. And, further, that the rules (whatever they happened to be) are carved in stone. Don't even think about questioning them, much less defying them. Or else.

Stu says:

The human personality desperately needs, as part of its self-image and security, to attempt to elevate itself above others. The tribe does the same. And it requires its members to conform. It doesn't want people to be different."

But you're not a true spiritual individual until you stand on your own, take charge of your life, and have your own individual destiny, beliefs, and methodology. The tribe won't like you doing that. Our systems are based on control... we are programmed to feel embarrassed or guilty if we push against the status quo.

About that "or else" ... it can come in many forms, many ways of retaliating. Ostracization, ridicule, shame, excommunication, "unfriending" on Facebook, rumors/gossip, shunning, sarcasm, etc. I'm familiar with all those forms, and then some. Sure, it hurts. But y'know what -- it's also liberating. I've come to think, "I've been spared."

I like what Alan Cohen says:

No one can bother you unless you agree with them.

Simply brilliant, no?

Here's more from Stu:

As you grow more self-confident and become spiritually mature, you'll soon reach a point where you can release most of the tribal ideas without too much apprehension and fear. Then you are free to become an individual, a true spiritual being with a spiritual destiny of your own.

To do that, you have to go beyond the discomfort of distancing yourself from the tribal beliefs, which usually also means you'll disconnect yourself from its acceptance and support. Once you are strong enough and have the confidence to stand on your own, you'll become a real individual -- you'll believe in yourself so strongly that you can be different and not worry about what others think.

A lot of those conformity issues stem from childhood, and the need of the ego to seek the approval of others. The object of conforming is to keep others happy, and to feel accepted: "if I do this and that, will you love me? if I have sex with you whenever you want me to, will you love me? if I say these nice things, will you consider me holy or spiritual?"

Conformity imposed from "above" is a matter of control. The insidious thing is that we adapt that control, we internalize it, and then we impose the conformity from *within*...! We allow our OWN fears to keep us from breaking out of status quo ... fearing that we'll be banished, or punished, or criticized, or judged.

It's like a personal Stockholm Syndrome in effect, wherein we empathize with our "captors" (in this case, status quo), and align with them ... perpetuating our own enslavement, squelching our own lives, insuring that we will live out a limited/confined version of our soul's purpose...

"We have met the enemy and it is us ...!"

It seems that it takes what it takes to wake up to this ... to break out of our own captivity ... some do so in one fell swoop, and others seem to have to come to the end of the enslavement in a gradual process ...

What to do to speed it up a bit? Perhaps consider breaking up the binding rigidity of the mind's imposition. Take RISKS...! Maybe walk around backwards ... maybe go out to eat, and start with dessert ... maybe spend the whole day talking in pig-Latin ... maybe wear intentionally mis-matched (and/or inside-out) clothing ... maybe sing at the top of your lungs - in public ... maybe strike up conversations with complete strangers ... maybe stand on a street corner, pointing up at the sky with utter fascination, to see how many others will join you ... maybe dance your way down a sidewalk ... maybe climb a tree and sit there reading a book, for hours ... the list goes on and on ... (& I'd have a blast doing ALL of that one one day!).

Just begin to challenge the authority of your ego ... and discover what's underneath it ...

Why not?!? ;)

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Project Knowing Infinite Self ~ Step Five

Accepting Negativity as a Learning Experience

Oh goody. ;)

Stuff happens. Have you noticed? And often, we declare a thing to be "bad" or "negative" ... and then it feels that way.

Thoughts create things ... and our thoughts about happenings create our experience of those happenings.

I like how Stuart Wilde puts it here:

The ego has rules and regulations. From these come its desires, needs, opinions, beliefs, and fears. Any time the ego perceives negativity, it will react. It will react from arrogance or righteousness, or it will react from its sense of insecurity or from a sense of injustice because its status quo is being assailed; or perhaps its power is being diminished in some way... The ego's view is self-centered and laced with its own fears.

Looking at the world in the finite, emotional ego sense, we judge it, making it wrong. It's only the ego's opinion that life should be cozy and effortless, and that everybody should have plenty of money.

So, we have capitalism that says everyone should be able to do what they want to get the money ... and socialism that says that everyone should spread that money around.

But, from the perspective of the Higher Self, the soul's purpose ... how do we know that poverty isn't something that a beggar needs to experience in order to understand himself, in order to grow ...?

What if there are many lifetimes ... and things we need to learn in each ... and what if that beggar was a hoarder in a previous lifetime, who withheld from others ... and needs to experience things from the "other side of the street?"

What if we had a more long-term spiritual view, rather than a short-term emotionally-expedient view? What if it's my ego, and not the Spirit, that says "that man should have more money"...?

Maybe our limited perspective gets in the way...? What if, in attempting to "fix" someone else's problem, I actually get in the way of their spiritual evolution?

Now, I can show compassion, and understanding, and give of myself ... I can listen, and share, and listen-within ... rather than merely giving in to the reaction of my ego's opinion...

But people who are suffering don't need a fix ... they need a higher/deeper understanding of what's going on ... what led to that situation, and what do they need to learn from it? Maybe, instead of giving of my money, I can give of my energy ...

Maybe I can share (because of what I've learned -- and am learning), that life isn't about indulging the ego, but about aligning with Spirit/Infinite Self ... that the goal is to get enthusiastic about life ...

Stu says:

When their desire to achieve and perceive and create more is greater than the ego's self-indulgence, obstinacy, and destructive ways, then -- and only then -- will people change.

All the agony we experience emotionally and p psychologically is agony of the ego. If the ego didn't have dogma, opinions, and positions it has to defend, you couldn't have negative energy. If the ego didn't have rigid opinions, there couldn't be fear.

Hmmm ... then it seems that we need negativity (negative emotions, negative energy) in order to show us that the ego is still alive and kicking, and in full-fledge operation.

Maybe we need that negativity in order to not live in blind obedience TO the ego...!

Next -- going beyond common belief patterns ...

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Trust the Journey ...

Oh ~ how this spoke to me!

Dear Wise Girl,

If you are ever in a place in your life and it feels like things are being torn from you one at a time....until it feels as though you are stripped down to nothing...please, dear friend, see it through those beautiful wise eyes of yours. See this time in your life for what it is capable of becoming, rather than for what it may seem when the wounds are raw and fresh.

So many times, the changes and shifts that come in our lives are swift and wild. It seems as though the carpet is being ripped right out from underneath us. Sometimes these stages even feel cruel and senseless. Please remember that nothing in life comes to us without something valuable attached to the other side of it. There are always great gifts available to us when what seems like tragedy comes along.

We often find our greatest new adventures, relationships and opportunities because something ended that we thought would last forever. We find people and places and talents and loveliness on the new paths after we are stripped from the old paths. What seemed so merciless often ends up yielding the greatest mercies of all, helping us find exactly what we are meant to find, and who we are meant to find.....and to do exactly what we were meant to do.

Please trust the journey, lovely you. You are on your way to somewhere so magnificent that it will take your breath away. Don't give up now....keep going....stay on the path....just around the bend there is a life like you could never imagine.

Have a beautiful weekend,
xoxo

I believe this ... my whole being knows this is true. I have NO clue how or when it will manifest (which are not my business) ... but I know it's en route ... and so I cease my resistance to it ... I welcome it ... I eagerly anticipate it.

So be it.

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Transition ---> Transformation

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Beloved ... Self.

Ohhhh, but I SO want to believe this ... and more, to *experience* this.

I know it's true ... and if I did once experience this, I've forgotten. I need to remember. Desperately.

It is my current quest. Without this awareness, I have nothing to give...

Dear Beloved Girl,

Great frustration, hurt and anxiety can come from trying to get our worth and our acceptance from other people or from anything that is outside of our own selves and our own deepest truths.

Many of us want love more than anything in the world. We want love and we want acceptance...we want to be understood. Frustration comes when we do no accept the fact that we simply can not MAKE others love us, or accept us, or even understand us. This is why it is so important to first learn how to love ourselves....

When we can get in tune with our deepest truths....the truths that only come from listening to the very force that created us and placed this knowing inside of us.....we can find peace whenever we need it. When we do the work necessary to learn who we really are in spite of who the world may tell us we are....we can find the love and acceptance we so need...whether we have other people in our lives or not. We simply do not NEED to have constant reassurance from others....because there is a voice of knowing inside of us...a voice that comes from the only place that truly KNOWS who we are and what we are capable of.

Be o.k. with YOU, beautiful friend. Be o.k. with the moments of aloneness that come, and that sometimes stay. Be o.k. with sometimes feeling that no one understands or that no one is giving you exactly what you need.....because the only WHOLENESS of spirit that will come is from your own self and your own deepest truth. Be o.k. with this....this is where you will find peace. You can give your SELF love and acceptance, through listening to your deepest truths that come from your Creator. It will be real, true and authentic. And it will be enough.

It really will. It will be enough.

You are so very very loved.
xoxo

[From the Brave Girls Club]

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Bonus Post: About the Heart

Synchronistically, I read this, by Ken Wilber, in his book, "Grace and Grit" (a memoir about his life with his soulmate, Treya):

Project Knowing Infinite Self ~ Step Four

The Courage to Accept Spirit as Your Inner Guide

This step is all about moving *effortlessly* from intellect/logic to feelings ... to spiritual guidance from within us.

Notice the word "effortlessly"...? Yeah, my ego snorts, too (oh! but how it loves to exert and achieve and gloat!).

I like how Stu puts it here:

The process is not so difficult. When you have to make a decision, rather than make it intellectually - Shall I? Shan't I? Will I? Won't I? mentally churning through your options - try to rely only on your subtle feelings. Open your heart to what spirit is telling you. In any given situation, it doesn't matter so much what is logical; what matters most is asking what feels right. Once you have decided what feels right, move down that path gingerly; watch for any inconsistencies and problems, and adjust your actions accordingly.

If an idea is right, it will be empowered by your Infinite Self projecting energy outwards, and things will flow. IF it isn't right, you may have to adapt a little or make a slight turn. But if that doesn't work and nothing flows, take it as a sign that the idea is wrong, that you do not have enough energy to pull it off, or that the time isn't right.

Argh, how many times in my life have I been given the opposite instruction/suggestion/mandate...? To IGNORE how I feel, and to do the most logical thing. To put mind over heart (& I'll be saying a bit more about mind and heart...). To trust in externals, rather than eternal-internals.

This resonates with me:

Trust your feelings; ask, and watch the signs all around you. You'll know how hard to try, when it's right to push a little harder, and when it's best to pull back. It's in the constant asking of questions that you logically don't know the answer to that you empower your inner guidance. If you follow along, avoiding the ego's protests as much as possible, you soon find out that your inner guidance is always right. Gradually you develop enough confidence in the prompting of spirit to allow it to become your only guide in life.

Practice constantly.

In the beginning, it doesn't matter if you are "wrong" or "right". all that matters is that you get used to bypassing the intellect and the accepted view... by going against the common logic, you are, in effect, asking permission to access a deeper, higher awareness. By asking [your Infinite Self], and acting on its answers, you empower it. You become more courageous.

So, if this is the Real Self ... and if we have to re-learn how to connect with it ... how did we "lose" our awareness/connection in the first place? What manner of conspiracy is going on...?

Lack of awareness has its roots in childhood. We require our children to endure the tick-tock influence of the education system [and, as a long-time homeschooler, may I say that "doing school at home" has the same effect!] -- a system whose only reality is based in ego, personality, status and logic. By the age of seven or eight, the inner knowing, which is gifted to you naturally when you are born, is usually squashed out of a child. We are trained to ignore the easy way of knowing things via our interconnection with all things, and replace it with a laborious method of learning by rote, intellect, and mind-numbing conformity and logic.

You need facts and figures as part of your education, but that should not become a high altar to the intellect upon which you sacrifice the subtle nature of your all-knowing. In order to win acceptance from others [namely parents] and from our schoolteachers, we tend to conform and we become averse to risk. Gradually our metaphysical knowledge is lost, and in eating the apple of logic from the tree of tick-tock, we fall from heaven and lose our angelic nature. We are banished from the Garden of Eden to a much harder existence, with only the knowledge of the ego (duality) to guide us.

Ohhhh, what we do to ourselves and each other ... and yet, it's the very given we all have to start from ... and we rely upon our minds, our logic ... our egos, until we exhaust ourselves ... until we finally wake up to realize that in doing so, we are not happy ... we are not fulfilled ... we are not at peace ... we are not living our soul's purpose. So what's the solution?

As you start to trust your inner guidance, it leads you graciously, step--by-step. It will take you to the next person, the next place, the highest spot -- it knows. How does it know? Because it is everywhere and everything is a feeling, so it is all-knowing. As you concentrate and begin to rely upon it, it becomes stronger. A door opens inside of you. Click!

This dovetails with Abraham-Hicks ... trust that inner guidance system ... how? By trusting your feelings ... if it's a good feeling, it's your True Self.. if it's a bad feeling, it's the ego. Love/joy/hope/trust is of the spirit ... Fear/lack/anxiety/depression is of the ego. Simple. It's just that we've been taught to heed and honor fear ... fear, you may notice, is the fuel of the conditioned/conforming/conventional life. Fear says, "stay safe! don't rock the boat! please others! do what's expected of you! avoid conflict! self-protect! hide! attack! exclude! separate!" Love says, "Trust. You are immortal. All is well. Risk. Be vulnerable. Listen to your heart. Go all out for joy. All is One."

Some may say, "Well, trusting is frightening!"

Yeah. Of course it is. We are, after all, on a sacred quest.

But ... it's only the ego that is frightened! The real Self is eternal and immortal, at peace, infused with well-being, secure, assured, and "existing in a perfect dimension of exquisite beauty." In fact, we can address this frightened egoic part of us like we would a small child ... "Hey there, little ego. I can tell that you're terrified of letting go. I know you're scared of the future, or at least what you imagine is going to happen in the future, and you really, really want to feel safe. But you don't need to worry about me. I'm eternal. I have all abundance. I'm infinite. I know that there are wonderful things ahead for me, because my Infinite Self has seen it, and feels it. And I can feel it now, too ... in fact, now is enough. So don't worry, little scared one ... I'll be just fine."

All is well, and getting weller.

This sacred and holy journey - the journey way from the ego toward the Infinite Self - is a journey through a fog. You're only going to be able to see a few steps in front of you. The courage of accepting spirit as your guide does not require great fortitude. It's just being courageous enough to step away from the handrail of life ... and walk a little way into the unknown... come to expect the unexpected.

Stay centered in the eternal present. Working on trusting and exercising the muscle of your [inner, extra-sensory] perception, it grows quickly.

Ah, tomorrow looks timely for me: "Accepting Negativity as a Learning Experience."

Can't wait ... (hold on -- that was my ego's response!)

Bring it on! (there, that was my spirit's response!)

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena


P.S. Just got this from Wayne Dyer: "You may be guided to leave a job, a city or even a relationship - all of which may sound terrifying [to the ego] at the moment. Nevertheless, if the signals keep coming and they resonate internally with you [with the spirit], take the step - and while doing so, know that you're being guided [by the Infinite Self] to a life of inspiration."

P.P.S. For those who like a bit of scientific research to back up the fluff, check this out. Scroll down a bit to read the article.

The Power of a Broken Heart ...

Broken hearts are looming large in my life lately ... particularly my own. But not just my own ... I keep running into people who also have broken hearts. We seem to be finding each other. Perhaps they were always there, but perhaps I was unaware of their crippling pain - until I was sensitized to them, by my own pain.

It seems that for us to have compassion, we have to have empathy -- we have to feel the pain of another. And it seems that few, if any, humans get out of life without suffering.

What strikes me about hearing the stories of so many broken hearts, is that there is intense power unleashed by a heart that has been broken ... for, you see, your heart cannot be broken unless it has inordinately loved another.

And a heart that has been broken, can expand ... can be enlarged, so as to love MORE.

It's a risk we take ... that risk of love. It's an incredibly vulnerable proposition -- to put one's heart out there, and to leave it wide open ... perhaps to even be trampled by another. No risk is quite as glorious, and no pain can cut quite as deeply.

But it's true, that it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I would so much rather suffer this pain, than to live a small, well-guarded life that has avoided the pain of heartbreak.

I finished Ken Wilber's book, "Grace and Grit" last night ... and I sobbed voraciously through the death scene ... not because of Treya's death, but because of how Ken's heart was broken by the death of his beloved.

They both knew she was dying, when she could no longer walk up the stairs (after a ten year struggle with breast cancer). She felt defeat, but he turned it into a romantic gesture -- "Come on, Gorgeous ... let me carry my Girl up the stairs."

"Honey, if it's time for you to go, then it's time for you to go. Don't worry, I'll find you. I found you before, I promise I'll find you again. So, if you want to go, don't worry. Just go."

"You promise you'll find me?"

"I promise."

It was all he could get out ... she closed her eyes, breathed her last, and he writes this:

My heart broke. This phrase kept running through my mind: 'Practice the wound of love ... practice the wound of love.' Real love hurts; real love makes you totally vulnerable and open; real love will take you far beyond yourself; and therefore real love will devastate you. I kept thinking, if love does not shatter you, you do not know love.

I thought my promise was that I would help her, whereas it was actually how she would reach and help me, again and again, and forever again, as long as it took for me to awaken, as long as it took for me to acknowledge, as long as it took for me to realize the Spirit that she had come so clearly to announce.

Out of that broke heart has come a wealth of strength ... for he was utterly transformed, by the love, and by the pain.

In working with an energy-healer, I was encouraged to "paint out my pain" ... pain about my present, about my past -- pain that was largely unacknowledged, and often discounted or dismissed ... but still very much in operation. I created a sacred space, complete with lit candles and incense ... and asked the Spirit to assist me.

I did so ... and then I also painted, intuitively, the image of my own broken heart being a catalyst for healing ... with symbols that are rich in meaning for me.

I'll dare to share those images with you here ... this is not about "artistic ability" (for I am self-taught), but about expression ...

Here's the image of the pain:




This is what I've entitled, "The Catalyst: Practice the Wound of Love" ~



And ... a couple of close-ups:






A picture speaks a thousand words ... 'nuff said.

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Project Knowing Infinite Self ~ Step Three

Having the Courage to Go Beyond ...

Thar y'ar ... Step Three.

Are you intrigued...? Curious? Concerned...?

Stu describes it this way: "The act of letting go and allowing your life to enter into the spontaneous dynamic of free-flow."

Or, as Abraham-Hicks would say, "To stop madly paddling upstream, to let go of the oars, and to allow your boat to turn around and go downstream."

(I'm loving how much of what I'm reading in this book both echoes and affirms what I've read via. Abraham-Hicks! There really are no accidents ... synchronicity abounds, if we'll but notice ..!)

that means less structure, more trust, believing and taking life as you find it, rather than trying to force it into a preconceived pattern and getting angry when it won't allow you to jam it into a corner in that way.

Ohhhh, not that *I've* ever done such a thing as to jam or cram ...! (envision a wide-eyed expression of feigned innocence!)

I like how Stu says this:

The ego is naturally resistant to letting go. It wants to hold on to its sense of power and to dominate your life and the lives of others. It needs to control because it feels insecure. So it may be frightening to let go, but in my view it is more frightening to stay where you are.

In the world of ego and intellect, you don't have to develop blind trust. You can hope to rely on past experience and thinking things out and, hopefully, that works for you most of the time. But as a spiritual being, trust is vital. In the dynamic, exhilarating world of the Infinite Self you're flying blind. It has no limits, so it's bound to carry you to unfamiliar ground -- and that is what makes this whole process so fascinating.

I find myself on the precipice of life ... having been shaken out of where I once was ... having been totally transformed, forever-altered ... having experienced a wild-ride (of both more joy and more pain than I knew were possible to experience) ... I now find myself asking, "what now? what's next? what's my soul's purpose?

I'm awaiting clarity ... working hard, very hard, to remove all blockages to who I am, so that clarity emerges. I'm availing myself of many reSources ... including a dynamic woman who is highly trained in energy psychology, energy medicine, energy healing ... (in fact, my desire/plan is to also be trained by her ... my heart is hugely drawn to this work) ... and I'm also going here and there as I'm led ... to connect with others who are in this radical-alternative adventure.

So, I found myself in a group of adventurous souls a few nights ago ... at a Divine Feminine circle in Portland (a dozen of us from all walks of life, of various ages - beautiful diversity, with a common vision!). We got to share our stories ... how we came to be there -- and it was *beyond* refreshing to be received without judgment ... to hear that I have a powerful story, that my journey matters. I didn't know how starved I was for such a reception ...

We were asked to participate in an exercise that involved trusting our intuition ... on one index card, we wrote out an experience, or a dream, or a realization that was meaningful to us -- and to go with what first came to mind (mine was the realization that my last birth, which was medicated, diminished both the pain and the joy ... in fact, I became aware that pain and joy are the flipsides of the same "coin" ... that pain enlarges the heart for more love and joy ... which, of course, means that I have a HUGE amount of love and joy coming my way!).

On the other index card, we were to write out our "burning question" for the Universe to answer. Mine was along the lines of, "What do I do with my life -- how do I make sense of all that's happened?" Then, we drew from the "deck" of experience cards, and one by one, we read both our question, and the given answer.

I was astonished at how very "on" each person's answer was for them! It was uncanny! My answer was in the form of a person's dream: they found themselves being chased by a wolf ... and then another, and another ... in a succession of dreams, the wolves would chase them to the edge of a cliff, and the choice was unthinkable: jump off the cliff into oblivion, or be torn apart by the wolves. Over and over, they would be attacked by the wolves, and would die. In the last dream, they were at the very edge of the cliff, and they turned and faced the wolves ... the wolves stopped, looked back at them, and then the wolves merged with them -- becoming One.

Now, admittedly, I didn't get a clear "here's what you do with your life now" sort of answer ... but I cannot describe how instrumental and meaningful wolves and cliffs are to me ... the wolf is my "power animal" ... I've owned 3 wolf-hybrids ... and there are several personal synchonicities involving wolves in my life. I've been told that I live "on the edge" of a cliff ... that I dance on the edge of a cliff ... and that part of my purpose in life is to do the unthinkable -- to jump/dive off of the cliff ... to either be caught, or to discover that I can fly ...

So, for me, the "answer" was to trust ... to continue ... and when I realize that I'm at the edge of that cliff, I can turn and face what I fear most ... and internalize that fear, even being strengthened by that fear ... then I'll know what to do with the cliff.

Back to Stu ... as he describes how the journey from ego to spirit involves resolving some universal paradoxes ...

We have to embrace infinity inside a mortal body.

We have to believe in a God/Source we cannot see.

We have to learn to love in a dimension where there is so much hatred.

We have to see abundance when people constantly talk of shortages and lack.

We have to discover freedom when control is the state religion.

We have to develop self-worth while people criticize and belittle us.

We have to see beauty where there is ugliness.

We have to embrace kindness and positive attitudes when surrounded by uncertainty.

We have to feel safe in spite of our concerns.

The crux of the matter boils down to trust. You have to have the courage to embrace an idea, accept it, and believe it -- before you have any real proof that the energy is there for you, or that the idea will work. You have to let go of that bad intellectual habit that says your ego-personality always knows best.

Trust ... in the midst of fear. Trust ... in the midst of uncertainty. Trust ... in the midst of pain. Trust ... in the midst of confusion. Trust ... in the midst of a mind that screams for self-protection, "security and safety" of the familiar.

How many gifts do we not open ... how many opportunities for joy do we reject ... how many adventures do we forsake ... all in the name of clinging to what our egoic mind (& our early conditioning) tell us will be "safer"...?

Once you see the tick-tock world for what it is, the power of the Infinite Self joins you. It teaches you, hour-by-hour, day-by-day, constantly showing you the subtle nature of things in a truly magnificent way. It brings you the people you need to be associated with. It shows you how to modify your belief patterns and which of those beliefs you need to sling off the cart forever. It assists your well-being and shows you ways to make a living that are less onerous and restrictive. The depth of its perception carries you from one stepping stone to the next.

It's a shame if you don't listen. While the ego dominates and holds on, the spirituality within you backs off and waits until you are done with the mundane logic of life. so, agreeing to listen is important; acting on what you hear is even more important.

If you don't listen, the world you create ... starts to dwindle in energy. You use up the power available to you. The energy of the place you live, your circumstances, your work, and the relationships you sustain all begin to drop to a lower level because no new energy flows in to sustain them. Gradually you become less and less secure, entering into a stagnant dead-zone which is, in effect, the external manifestation of a tired and lifeless mind. Every day there is less energy than before, less excitement, more boredom and irritation. Often this diminishing effect will be suffocating; you'll feel trapped. Life becomes a flat line.

Has anyone, besides me, experienced this pit ...? That absolutely dark and despairing place?

Agree with yourself, in a quiet moment of prayer or contemplation, that you do have the courage to be different. You will change, and you will fight the ego's lack of energy by embracing a few new ideas. You may get some flak from people around you because you want to change, but so what? In a stagnant situation, anything is better than staying where you are.

Next, have the courage to accept and weather the pain and aggravation that the ego will undoubtedly put you through as you try to disempower its government of your life. It isn't going to like what's going on. It will protest with logic and emotion and fine-sounding arguments, hoping to turn you around.

I'd add ... the courage to be vulnerable. As you change and grow, the ego will feel assailed and threatened. If you have little or no resistance, you'll be fine. If you resist and fight, it will hurt a lot. So, be courageous. Allow yourself to become vulnerable. Put aside the macho, dogmatic, insistent psychology that most people suffer from. Enter, instead into the intense spiritual beauty of moving and flowing without necessarily knowing which way to go or how you'll get there.

Believe. Believe. Believe.

There's no map from here to there ... there's only letting the boat go downstream ... accepting what comes ... honoring what comes ... appreciating all that we experience ... eagerly anticipating whatever is next ... being grateful for what is at hand.

Accept. Allow. Appreciate. Anticipate.

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena

Project Knowing Infinite Self ~ Step Two

So, did we all survive step one, knowing that we are God ...? Or are you exhausted by trying to keep the universe intact for the past 24 hours ...? ;)

Whew!

(Just let go ...)

Here we are at step two ... which is: expanding your awareness.

As you look around the planet, you notice that it's populated by all manner of people ... and most of them, while certainly seeming to be alive and awake, are actually in a surreal state between asleep and comatose.

Admittedly, our awareness of our surroundings begins with the five senses (sight/hearing/taste/smell/touch). We've got to start somewhere. But there is also a level of awareness that's more *inner* ... we have those same senses, on the inside. An extra-sensory perception.

It's in the realm of the intuition -- yeah, that very aspect of ourselves that western, highly-rationalized intellectualism seeks to discount ... if not trash.

It's the feminine aspect of ourselves ... and you know what this masculine-driven culture has done to the feminine ... perhaps become aware that your own masculine-driven intellect seeks to do the same to your own inner feminine intuition ... what you see on the outside, is just the metaphor (and the result of) what's going on on the inside ...

Linking to the concept we got yesterday, once we've internalized the God Force reality, and we realize/accept that we're part of the infinite energy that is all t hings -- we come to see that we are connected to all things. We're all part of the hologram of All That Is. Inter-connected. The illusion that we are separate is a perspective created by our finite egos ... but it's not ultimate reality. We see a 3-D world, but we really exist in a multi-dimensional universe.

This God Force exists in everything -- it IS everything. And everything, from rocks, to trees, to animals, to humans, emits a feeling.

Speak to us Stu:

You're not so much what you think, but what you feel. Realizing that everything is a feeling, you can begin to place your awareness into things, to discover how they feel... you understand that you can push your consciousness into everything and figure out how it feels. The system is not foolproof -- sometimes your subtle perceptions get cluttered with your logic -- but the more you use the muscle of your subtle perception, the more acute and sensitive it becomes... you are a magnet for energy as well as a projector of energy ... Most don't consider their thinking or their inner dialogue to be of great consequence ... but external reality instantly changes to reflect not only what you are saying and doing, but what you are thinking and feeling, silently within.

We are co-creators of our life experience ... whether consciously or unconsciously.

Consider the impact of your silent thoughts. What emotions do they create within you? When those thoughts are projected out into daily life, what effect are they having on what you see or on how life comes to you? Are those inner thoughts and feelings collapsing and destroying your life, or are they sustaining and building things up?

Next, be aware of your dialogue. Most are not really aware of how self-destructive their dialogue is. They don't see how negativity is changing their external reality to fit their mind-set and thus destroying the quality of their life. Listen to your dialogue and watch your thoughts. See how much of it is bitching and moaning and expressing weakness, and how much of it has the God Force within it, expressing hope, gratitude, love and well-being. Negativity kills you, never forget that. It's a week that eventually chokes you to death.

If you believe in disease, you will imbalance the emotions affecting your overall feeling and hasten disease within you. If you believe in lack, opportunities pass you by, money falls from your wallet, someone steals your car. Earnest Holmes said, "where your mind goes, your energy flows."

If someone asks you how you feel, don't answer, "Horrible, grim, life's a nightmare." Instead, answer "Fantastic!" It doesn't matter if your life isn't fantastic; that's only the ego's viewpoint. Spiritually, your life is fantastic. it's a great privilege to be here. I think it's important to remind yourself of that constantly.

Taking that in ... yes, I know this. Yes, I've forgotten this. Yes, I've been wallowing in negativity. Yes, I need this reminder.

Now, I NEED to be reminded of this:

When the mind offers you a negative thought say to yourself, "I don't accept that negative energy. I don't accept fear. I am love. I am positivity. Everything flows through me. Everything comes to me for my highest good.

As well as policing your thoughts and dialogue, you will want to keep an eye on the quality of your associations and actions. Stay away from people who discriminate and deprecate, or those who are involved in destructive or degrading actions. You don't need to judge them, but you don't have to be involved either.

Settle your debts, follow through on your choices, and treat people fairly.

Try this: Ask the God Force to show you something in the next 24 hours, something you have never seen before -- a perception, an intuition, a different way of looking at things that you've never seen a hundred times before.

Then watch carefully.

I feel the need to just quietly take this in ... to let myself be reminded that I am love -- that there is no place for fear in me. That love absorbs all fear ... just as light absorbs all darkness ... that I, and I alone, am responsible for my thoughts, for my feelings ... for my life.

Shalom & Namaste ~
Dena