Friday, December 26, 2008
00:02
I've moved!
http://shadow_soul000.livejournal.com
perhaps tomorrow.maybe yesterday.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
01:06
So i see.
Not to see it, but there to believe in it.
What the gurl says, what the guy is.
Emptiness?Ache?Longing?
Not here but not there either.
Do we fault ourselves?
No, only to lament we haven't found You sooner.
When all is lost, there's only to be found.
Find what?
Baseballs, pitched down a canyon; to find
perhaps time, to heal.
He who is almighty gives.
He takes.
I sigh. I hurt.
If we found each other first?
And I see.
perhaps tomorrow.maybe yesterday.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
23:05
OK..so this blog is still alive!haha..well, im still gonna emo today..so if you're interested, read on.
okie dok..let's see..three months since i last posted..awesome..well statement of the day, I NEED TO BREATHE.
an update to anyone who reads this, I've been a Christian for near 3 months, meaning i converted late august. shortly after i typed the last post. like a week after. and realy, i dunno what to make of it now.
I've been so against Christianity for the whole of my life that this CHANGE is weird. When logic fights instinct, well, it's WEIRD. half of me is saying all these is rubbish, while the other half tells me it's right. and right now, the former half is winning me over. and tmr which comes in exactly 50 mins(from when i am typing this that is), I'm going for some encounter retreat. i dunno what it is for..i think it's like renewing faith and meeting God. ok, truth be told, i dun like how my new church is moving so darn fast. as in the cell ppl are really nice and it feels very family-ish BUT its like they are all so devoted and full of faith and i cannot bring myself to it. there are days when im full of it but there are also times when i just cannot be bothered at all. i tried reading related books, i approached pastors, i asked my cellmates, i questioned myself and i even tried searching online for answers but still. there's nothing to do with finding what answers i need but rather getting myself to believe whole heartedly this is true. maybe it's because of recent events, my family's been acting up, my talks with non believers have thrown me off, i'm bored of routine etc. i guess the hardest part would be famil cos they keep labelling me as defensive whenever topic during dinner switches to this. but I AM DEFENSIVE. if you guys keep using logic to put down my church, put down my beliefs and make me feel like a stupid mule for believing in this, I'm BOUND to crumble one day. it's what little im clinging on to before i lose it completely. it doesnt help either that my aunties are from conservative churches and they dun like charismatic ones. tomorrow's event is a big thing, and it's taking all i got to prevent myself from ponning it altogether. I'm tired of praying to God to ask for new faith when everytime i get it, i lose it again. I'm losing hope alright. So if God up there reads this, he'd please do something about this. before he loses me that is.
On a brighter note, I'm starting to study/revise for next year..As are scary..esp after how i screwed up my promos..sigh..i dun like being dumb..really. ok i said brighter note right..haha..okok..i lost 3kg..yupps..looks like gyming does pay off..i used to be 58 then i suddenly jumped to 63 then now im 60..awesome stuff..and i can say it's healthy weight loss so i'm not scared of like being severely underweight or smthng..ahha..and im eating normally too..so it's all good.haha..im hoping my pull ups improve in time for napfa nxt yr..i wanna do at least 8-10!haha..dun laugh.. i know it's weak shit but hey it's big for me so dun laugh....haha..
Oh another thing..because my head has been swarming with these kinda religion stuff.. it prettty much zaps the focus out of anything i do..im done planning for anything as in i dun wanna plan stuff anmore..worse thing is that ppl cant be bothered to reply my sms regarding mel's bdae outing..only a few replied..like half of the ppl?lol..sorry mel but looks like attendance might be low..and btw..some are going overseas like pl..so yupps..i'll get them to reply me fully by first dec then i'll let you know..dun worry..i wun let the bdae outing go down the drain..
darn that reminds me..i gotta bring out my oven soon..who wants cookies?im gonna bake my darn nice choc chip & walnut cookies..i promised jia ni some and i initially wanted to bake for cell..but suddenly..hehs..depends wheher i'll still be in..God gotta gimme a miracle..haha..but i'll bake anw..one of these days..just to destress a bit..i'll attempt to bake a good batch of sticky chewy chocolate cookies too..the kind where it's really sticky and chewy..haha..figures right..hmm..im gonna borrow some cookie recipes..i wanna try baking some ginger snaps..i tired some awesome ones before..i'll try an orange fusion too.. somehow ginger and orange always fits together in flavour one tastes tart and one tastes smart..that's why it's like ART see.haha..whatever..okay im going..gotta go pack for tmr..it's an overnight thing..*cross fingers* wish me luck..i'll see this blog again in december i think. i'll start a one month post once thing..haha..
"You say you want all of me; I would not have it any other way."
Would I?
perhaps tomorrow.maybe yesterday.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
22:16
Wow..and once again im back. i read through my last two posts and im kinda bemused by what i wrote. so emo but it's so darn me..heheh..it's been over a year that i've last blogged here..nostagia..somewhat squirmy..like visiting abandoned grounds..i'll talk about JC life here today. Im expecting no one to read this btw.
Life in RJ is stiffling. im not sure if it's the pressure or just me. but the recent bout of mental blocks sure pose an omen man..it's 5 weeks to promos!sigh..i must study but sfter the disastrous o levels..i seem to have lost my drive, motivation, my spirit. i need newfound strength and funnily enpugh. i think i just found it right here and now. my skin really inspires me. it capitalizes everything that i've been through so far and looking at it really made me wanna cry. as i've said, no one is supposed to be reading this.haha..
cry. why?it's been tough. you've never been to the bottom till you've hit it. i've always wondered why ppl get so indignated when i comnplain about my results. i get it now BUT i understand cos i was once like that. what is it like to be insignificant and unnoticeable. how bad is it really? as bad as you see it. really. i've survived these before i can do it again. true, nothing is working against me this year. everything's been horrible. i've had my good times so far, but it ends with a ringing silence. life without its goals is like a snail without it's shell. you lose sight of home, you shrivel, you die. but right now this snail without its shail can be a slug. haha..goals. to better myself and to enjoy my life to it's fullest without regrets. at the end of the day, you nvr let anyone down. i realise. you NVR let anyone down.
The saddest thing in life is in fact, letting yourself down.
"Lord, I'm doing, all i can. To be a better man."
perhaps tomorrow.maybe yesterday.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
23:43
I feel like puking.
Maybe it's 'cos of the sudden end of the Os.
Perhaps it's knowing that i have a whole tsunami of outings to go to in the next few weeks.
Probably how its worming inside me to think that I'm not being as smart as i should be.
Tools for Fools-
How apt.
I feel like puking.
perhaps tomorrow.maybe yesterday.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
23:13
It's a week to the prelims and i find myself staring at my com screen, what am i doing?surfing through frienster. i happened to have loads of free time on my hand(after having finished my bio revision that is) and thus decided to search for old friends. this very thought popped up in lieu of a teacher's day visit to my alma mater which i decidedly skipped. as shirleen had said, "you 2 years never go liao, suddenly go back for what?". it was then that it struck me--what exactly happened to my past life?
having gone through six years of my childhood in LPS, it was inevitable to have an impression left on me over that infrastrutural mess of beige and navy blue. but yet, it seemed to wore off me these 4 years. honestly, life in LPs was quite hellish for me. sarcastic, sissy, whiner, un-athletic, nerd. your typical friendless next door wimp really. i din really had any steadfast friends. maybe 1 but bitches nvr last together as seen in the case of paris hilton and nicole richie. furthermore, keeping in contact was hard and i admit i partly didn't want to. i wanted a clean break from that life, cut loose all connections. it was impossible nonetheless. the past haunts you in the form of memories esp when you are forced to look back and 'reminisce'. i haven't thought of old classmates for almost never but they all came flooding back in the form of 1 shirleen Ho. if i just release that part of me, i realise i lose a chunk of my life. it will leave this huge emptiness, no matter how the original seems to suck. i regret at times of wat pri sch turned me out to be. instead of really standing out, i'd rather be an unknown or a chameleon and do wat typical boys do, soccer, basketball, computer games. just fitting in. fitting in is so much easier when you're just not you. i'd rather be a lousy academically-declined student than some supposedly smart yet ousted elitist/high-end extract(if i'm even qualified to be one).
a lot has happened to me and i dun really regret this changes. im a better person now, much different now. i look at old classmates pictures and i actually wonder how they are now. what are they up to, what has changed for them. i wish i can laugh my past away but i find myself sinking into self pity once more. wat irony. i'm pathetic, was, not am. if i were given the chance to take away part of my IQ and in return attain a higher emotional quotient i would. i ocassionally wonder if it was my upbringing, school or even myself who brought me into today's circumstances. i guess i was never a loner but ended up being one anyway.
They say it's no use crying over spilt milk. But what if that was the one glass you ever wanted?
perhaps tomorrow.maybe yesterday.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
21:58
as i stared out of my bedroom window, i actually wondered why. but of course, answers do not seek you, do they?it's been like this since i last dug up the past.i wondered if you ever gave a damn and i wondered if it was possible. above all, i wondered if it was me. HOLY COW, it was me.
sec 2 was rough, I found it exhilarating; laugh, the joke's on me. if i were less me, if i followed the required and thought within the restricted, would i be a better me?and they say one thing leads to another. snowball effect, butterfly effect, whatever.of course, Mr C-over-my-D here is Mr positive. All right kids, line up!we play dodgeball!
Chill dude, it's smooth.
perhaps tomorrow.maybe yesterday.
