Work Life

I have finished three weeks of being employed with Fidelity, and I am enjoying it quite a bit. It's a great company to work for and the culture there is phenomenal. This job stretches and pushes me just enough to stay interesting with the challenge, yet remain within my comfort zone. I like having a job that where I can simultaneously feel confident in my ability to succeed but also be aware of the growth and development that I am experiencing. So far it's been a great fit for me. The first three weeks are over, though, and next week will get serious when we start studying for our licensing. There is a lot of information, but I am interested in learning it, so I'm optimistic that I will do well.

 In the last few weeks we have transitioned from fall to winter. We've had snow fall a few times now but nothing to deep or long lasting. Although nothing that melted the same day either, so that seems different than recent years past.

We had a fun Thanksgiving with my family this year.

The Christmas tree is up and we are enjoying transitioning into the Christmas season.

I love gathering the boys for a game of hearts when we get the chance. We've played twice since Thanksgiving. Laurie was my helper for the first game. She had gone to bed early the second time we played.

The cats are enjoying the Christmas tree again this year but they don't seem to be knocking it over, so that's good.

I'm coming up on my 41st birthday. It's amazing the way time just marches forward!

I really love my life and my family. I have so much to be grateful for. I spend my days generally feeling pretty lucky. Andrew is struggling a lot. He is not a fan of his job and that's been a burden that has been plaguing him for more than a year now. Hopefully 2019 brings him so changes in that regard which will help him feel more satisfied with his circumstances.

Peter recently made it onto the math competition team for his school. He is very excited about it and I am too!

Contacts for Peter and other Updates

Life is starting to feel stressful and frantic with me counting down the days until I start full time work outside the home. My mom is out of town so in addition to all the things I'm trying to prepare for my own household, I'm spending three days this week taking care of Grandpa Rosemann. But between those days, I was also able to get Peter and myself both in to see the eye doctor. Peter decided to transition into contact lenses in an effort to save glasses from getting broken during his soccer games. He loves wearing them but is still struggling to get them in and out. So far I've been doing that part for him. Still, he's determined to make this work and is much more comfortable with things going into his eyes than Ammon was last year when he tried contact lenses. We've invited Ammon to reattempt it and he's pondering the option.

We've already have problems with Ammon hacking our phone filter and control system. Peter also opted to have Ammon show him the method and do it on his phone so they are both in a bit of trouble for that. Ammon has also gotten his phone taken away at school. We are working on developing a better sense of integrity. He is so smart and capable that we try to teach him that just because he CAN do something doesn't mean he SHOULD do it. He suggested just giving the phone to his teachers so he doesn't have it in class. He used a similar approach with his Halloween candy this year - opting to turn it in to us each night so that he didn't just eat it all in one sitting. He came up with that idea and has proactively brought us his candy each evening so I'm pretty impressed with his self awareness and determination to distance himself from temptation. That's a tactic that I think will serve him well throughout his life.

Laurie has been adjusting to her all day school schedule brilliantly. She actually seems happier and is also learning to skip nap time which means bedtime is much earlier and better. It's still not flawless, but I'm so happy with how much she seems to be enjoying her all day school experience. And of course the highlight is the fact that she now gets to eat lunch at school. (The picture is a dinner picture, however.)

Today is another trip up to the VA with Grandpa. This time for Physical Therapy. He's feeling under the weather with the cold he came down with earlier in the week. He is not coughing anymore, but is now complaining of a sick stomach.

By the time I get home from the VA, Andrew will likely have picked up the kids from school (our new Thursday routine) and then we'll all have dinner at my mom's house so I can continue to care for Grandpa throughout the evening.

November Life and Gratitude

In preparation of me starting work next week, we went ahead and added Ammon and Peter to our phone plans so we could keep in touch with them more easily. Of course the first night with their new phones, they were more excited about playing Pokemon than anything. So we loaded the family into the car after bedtime and found them a few Pokemon stops. I'm grateful for my husband and three children.

On Friday I had the opportunity to spend the day taking care of Grandpa Ed. He can be a crotchety old guy - he's grumpy about living here instead of his home in San Diego, but he is always sweet to the little kids and I feel like his truer self comes out around them. I also had a chance to see Uncle Scott who was visiting with Grandma, and then play hand and foot with Haeli, Grandma and Pam who visited later in the evening. I loved being surrounded by so much extended family.

The boys were excited to do Pokemon stuff with Alister.

On Saturday I had the opportunity to take Ammon to the University of Utah to attend an event promoting their science department. He attended three different classes. I was worried that he'd be lost and alone so I stuck with him for two of the classes, but he was totally fine and I remembered that he has been independent since he was about five months old and whether he needs me to give him directions or not, he never thinks he does. And honestly, I think in this case he was more right than I was. He didn't need me. Watching him that day helped me realize how much my little boy has grown up. He's still only 14 years old, but he was born to be independent and he's doing a great job getting there.

Andrew had a church meeting that he needed to leave to before Ammon and I were home which meant that Peter and Laurie were left on their own at the house. I asked them to send me a selfie with Peter's new phone and decided to send them one of Ammon and me as well. It made my heart happy that even though we were all apart, we could see each other. At that moment, Andrew was shaking hands with Elder Rasband and said that selfies weren't allowed in the meeting. But four out of five is pretty good.

Before Andrew was home from his meeting, I was off to Peter's first day of indoor soccer for this season. His team is pretty much the same group of kids he just finished outdoor soccer with, so even though things were a little but new, it seemed like business like usual. I'm glad that Peter loves this sport so much!

I had a quick stop at home before I was out the door again. This time it was just me heading to an evening with some friends from high school. It's been a hectic week and I hadn't seen Andrew all day and a part of me was reluctant to go. But there is something soothing and fun about spending time with friends you have known since you were a teenager. We recently reconnected after a funeral of one of our friends, and that first visit was like group therapy on steroids. Several of us hadn't seen each other for years and it was amazing to hear the "war stories" life had brought everyone. But even though life gets difficult, I feel like we are all survivors together. To me it feels like in the 20's we still had all our hopes and dreams of life being perfect and to fall short of that felt like it needed to be hidden away. But now we are all in our 40's and we're a bit more seasoned and experienced so it's comfortable to just be open and honest about life with both the good and the bad and just love, empathize and support each other.

On Sunday we learned a new song in primary. I loved it! It was a beautiful song and just perfect for this season of gratitude.

Life Is O’erflowing with Beautiful Things

Music for Children

1. Blue skies, mountains, rainbows, fountains:

These are some things I love to see.

Rivers, canyons, pine trees, oceans:

Heavenly Father made them for me.

Chorus

Life is o’erflowing with beautiful things made by our loving and glorious King

If I but strive to be grateful and true, I can be happy in all that I do.

2. Music, laughter, peace thereafter;

These are some things I love to hear.

Please’s, thank you’s, may I’s, can do’s;

Hearing them fills my heart with good cheer.

3. Silky flowers, cool rain showers:

These are some things I love to feel. 

Promptings, guidance, warm assurance:

That’s how I know the Spirit is real

Text:  Thomas Croft

Music:  Thomas Croft

Today I am back to taking care of Grandpa since my parents are still out of town. He has an appointment for his eye at the VA. He woke up with a pretty bad cough but seems to be well enough to keep the appointment. Grandma Laurel rearranged her schedule so that she could pick up my kids from school while I'm still at the VA. It's nice to have people pitch in a work as a team to make things run smoothly.

Transitions

I think about journal writing all the time. The truth is that I really love life through all of its ups and downs and wish I was better at recording the details of our world.

Yesterday was Halloween. Ammon went trick-or-treating and then partying with the boys in the neighborhood. Peter opted to spend the evening with Kambria and her friends and had a blast. Laurie went trick or treating with Andrew to a few houses and then happily came home and enjoyed opening the door to people who came trick or treating at our house.

Laurie started her first day of full-day preschool today. I will begin a job on  November 12, and while I am excited for the opportunity to work and feel very much like this is a path that has been prepared and made possible by Heavenly Father, I am also nervous to be working full time for the first time in over a decade! Some days I worry that my children need me and I won't be there for them. Other days I worry that they won't even miss me. Such is the nature of motherhood. We want our children to independently need us.

Trusting God - Cancer

After a few final and fitful moments in a state of dreaming, consciousness clarified in my mind and I knew it was morning. I began the day with one matter of fact thought: "I might have cancer." And I'll confess, it was a jarring introduction to my day -one that I've never experienced before.


Today I am waiting for a phone call. It probably isn't as scary as it sounds. I'm just waiting for a phone call to schedule an appointment. An appointment to go get a diagnostic mammogram and an ultrasound.


Yesterday the doctor found a lump on my right breast.


It's probably just a cyst. (Which means not cancerous and no big deal.)

Probably.
Most likely.
That's really common.


My lump moves which is a good sign. So the instruction was, "Don't worry, it's likely just a cyst and those usually go away on their own in about two weeks. But since you've noticed signs of this lump for more than two weeks now we should get it checked. You don't need to rush into the mammogram... but get it done this week."

Last September I went in for an annual exam. The doctor did a breast exam and reminded me of the importance of doing self exams. She was more thorough than any doctor I'd ever been to in explaining the different steps to take, what to look for, and how often I should do it.


On Christmas Eve I was getting out of the shower and I thought, "What the heck, I should do that visual exam thing she talked about." So I stood in front of the mirror, lifted my arms above my head, and thought, "That's weird. The bottom of my right breast is flat. I've never noticed that before. That doesn't seem normal."

But it was Christmas Eve. And I have a tendency towards anxieties and paranoia's. So I tucked that bit of information into the back of my head and had a marvelous Christmas.


After a few days with no changes I started researching breast cancer symptoms. The only one that seemed related to what I was seeing was the "dimpling" and "puckering" of the breast. Flat wasn't dimpled or puckered, but was it on it's way to that? I showed Andrew to see if he agreed that there was a distinct flatness.


I continued to watch it and noticed that while there was still not a distinct puckering or dimpling like we saw in internet searches, there was beginning to be a change from flatness to a slight pulling up in the middle. I showed Andrew just before I left on some errands. A few minutes later I had a text from him showing me a screen shot of someone on the internet with a similar situation. The advise that had been given to her was to not worry but to go to the doctor. He decided I should follow that same counsel. But it was the weekend so we waited.


On Monday morning I looked decided to call the doctor. My stomach was in knots and I felt shaky with anxiety for the entire ten minutes of holding, waiting for someone to answer. I hated the idea of trying to tell the nurse what I needed an appointment for. "Well, I noticed a very slight, hardly noticeable change on my breast and want to know if the doctor thinks it's cancer..." I just had visions of getting in there and having the doctor not even able to see what I was talking about.

But the appointment got made. And then I got really stressed out. My anxiety fluctuated between the reality that me calling to schedule an appointment meant that I really believed that there could be something seriously wrong, and the idea that the doctor wouldn't see anything and it would be an awkward, uncomfortable and fruitless visit. I had about 45 minutes of sitting in my car in front of Laurie's preschool to stew about it. Then I had a hectic afternoon and didn't have time to worry until I was at the doctor's office.

My appointment was about 15 minutes late. I had looked in the mirror three times during the day to try to see what the doctor would see. I felt like the shape had changed again and my eyes felt blurry as I just wondered to myself... "Is it just shadows? Is something really here? Is the doctor going to think I'm crazy?"


The doctor immediately said she could see what I was talking about. She did an exam, and found a lump in the exact spot that made sense for the pulling on my skin. She ordered a diagnostic mammogram (right breast in the 7:00 position) and an ultrasound. And now I am just waiting to get those scheduled.

My sister asked me what my gut is about all of this. I can't tell. I know I feel peaceful. I know I trust God. I know that it's likely nothing. I feel like it is very possibly more than nothing. I feel like I might be at the cusp of a difficult journey. I feel like that might be more of an emotional projection than a spiritual revelation. I feel impatient for the next step. I feel overwhelmed with the possibilities. I feel silly for feeling so stuck in waiting and for spending so much time obsessing over something that could potentially be a small and insignificant blip in my medical life. Most of all, I feel like it will be OK. Maybe that means there is nothing wrong. Maybe that means I have cancer, but I'll get through it. Maybe that means I have cancer and I'll die and that in the eternal scheme of things that's fine too. I don't know what it means. But I know that Heavenly Father knows me. He loves me. He will take care of me and of my family. And it will be OK.

Family Story - Kara

This morning I felt prompted to text Kara. As it turned out, her friend died today. It was a simple prompting, and I don't know if me reaching out really made a difference to her, but I'm glad I followed it. My testimony was strengthened in the understanding the Heavenly Father uses us to bless others. Following that prompting felt like a small way to honor President Monson.

Kara's situation with her friend is a lesson in and of itself. Months ago she was released from a calling she enjoyed and was asked to serve as the librarian. She was disappointed with the change, feeling like her potential to contribute was minimized in that role. She had a desire to be in a much position where she could have a great impact on the people around her. But, she accepted the calling, and like Nephi, she took her questions and pleadings to the Lord. As He schooled her, she began to find an importance in her role as visiting teacher. And she was assigned to be the visiting teacher to a woman with terminal cancer. I suspect that when she looks back at this phase of her life, she will treasure the impact she had in that calling more than anything else she could have been doing. And I also suspect that she learned more life-long lessons filling the calling Heavenly Father had in mind for her, than she would have in any calling she would have chosen for herself. Her obedience, trust and humility serve as a lesson for all of us. This is the perfect example of the types of family stories I hope my children are raised to know and pass on to their children. This kind of spiritual growth is a part of their family legacy.

President Monson

Last night, when we were just about reading to sleep, Andrew and I heard of President Monson's death. I don't feel sad so much as I feel grateful to have lived during the Hinckley and Monson years and in awe of the amazing life President Thomas S. Monson led. He has been a general authority my entire life, and has been titled President for as long as I can remember (I think we checked and it was since1985 which is when I was seven years old).

I remember hearing speculation about who would be the next prophet when I was a child. Interestingly, the names that were discussed - Hunter, Hinckley and Monson, all turned out to have their turns. But at the time that wasn't necessarily what people thought would happen. I remember hoping against hope that it would be President Monson. I didn't understand the order of succession at the time - I just knew that I loved listening to President Monson and his stories. I think he was a man who always appealed to children.

Of course, eventually it came time for President Hinckley to be the prophet. It was still a bit disappointing that it wasn't President Monson, but President Hinckley had a work to do and will likely never be replaced as my favorite prophet of all.

And then came President Monson. His life is one that ignites a desire to work harder to serve with love and compassion. I feel confident that life continues after death and that he was lovingly received into the presence of the Lord and returned to the company of his beloved wife.

January 1, 2018

Today was the first day of the new year and the last day of our Christmas break. I've enjoyed having Andrew home from work for the last week. The kids have been out of school for weeks and I've been delighted with how well it has gone. Still, I think getting back to our routine will be good.

January 2017

Zoram and Twister

 

One of the highlights of 2017 was adding two new members to our family.

Zoram and Twister joined our family on October 10.

We absolutely adore them!