A letter for White Tulip

Hello White Tulip,

Wow it's been a while since I've been here huh?

It's not that I forgot about you. I've actually visited quite a bit, each time meaning to tell you the latest news in my life. But everytime I place my fingers on the keyboard, I can't decide what to type. And so I close the page, hoping for another day when the words would flow.

I've moved into my new apartment now. It's much bigger than the previous one, with a better layout. I haven't bought any furniture to fill it up, so at the moment the place looks quite empty with studio-accommodating furniture only. I should get a dining table at least. Preferably one that would also be useful during mahjong sessions.

Did I tell you last Saturday was my birthday? I got a lot of birthday wishes from friends and colleagues, but I only celebrated it with my boyfriend, just like I asked for. We went out for a nice dinner at Seviche. That was it. I already got my gifts the Thursday before, a large cuddly fluffy dog named Booboo Max and a hat in the style I always wanted.

I got an early birthday gift from the Society of Actuaries too: an email with a passing grade on it. Come January 4, 2008, 3.5 years after my first exam, I'll officially be an Associate.

Christmas will be here in 3 days. And once again, I'm celebrating it alone. I thought about traveling during this holiday, but in the end I decided it's just going to be you and me for some long self-reflecting conversations.

Are you ready?

-me-

Update 10.1

This just in: "I have nothing to write."

Pretty common theme nowadays, which explains the lack of blog posts.

Seeing as how this is supposed to be my venting grounds for anything that interests me, I don't understand why I feel compelled to write things that (I think) will interest other people. But I do. Darn it.

Following that compelling logic, I shouldn't be writing this post now... because honestly, me really has nothing interesting to say. But it's a chilly Saturday night and the boyfriend's asleep because of headache from very-tiring-and-long-afternoon-soccer-match, so I have nothing much to do besides...

1) study for upcoming exam or
2) update seemingly-abandoned-blog.

No points for guessing which one I chose.

Did I mention that I'm back in Louisville? It's been nearly a month since I came back. Life here is pretty much the same as before I left, except a few of my friends have left/will leave Louisville. It's so saddening when friends leave, even though we are happy for them. No doubt I'll meet and make new friends in time, but the friends who are gone always leave a void that's never quite filled by the new ones.

I just saw the photos from last weekend. Boy do I look weird.

Going to take an exam in 9 days. Do not feel the urgency at all. I've been trying to get back into study mode since a month ago. No success whatsoever. Still in eat-sleep-play-relax mode. It's so hard trying to study after an extremely long break.

The good news about this exam is I get to take the whole week off from work. The bad news? I need the whole week to work on the exam. Including sleeping and meal times. No kidding. I have plans for le boyfriend to serve me meals at my study desk for that entire week. Ok, no just joking. But I've heard it's hard and for the entire 96 hours that I get to work on the exam, I will only work on exam, eat, go to bathroom, sleep, repeat cycle.

Am currently on a Boy Meets World education course. By that I mean everytime during dinners, we would watch one or two episodes of said TV show. Because apparently it's the show of my generation and I have to watch it. I just have to. (do NOT ask me what generation is mine, because if you know me, you are probably in my generation okay? No age jokes allowed.) It's pretty nice. Funny and heartwarming at the same time. And it's not a too sickly sweet kind of heartwarming.

Feeling guilty. Going to study.

A Poem about Corporate Life

Written on a whiteboard at my friend's office:

Say already don't listen
Listen also don't understand
Understand already don't do
Do also do wrong
Wrong already don't admit
Admit also don't correct
Correct already not happy
Not happy also don't say...

Thought it was pretty funny... and true.

Yo-yo-ing

It's so odd.

There are some things that I need to let go of.. and occasionally I can come to accept them.. but sometimes they just bug me.

Sometimes I understand why it has to happen the way it did.. but sometimes I can't. I think understanding is not enough. I need to know for sure for me to let go. But some things we'll never find out because we can't ask. Some we'll never know even if we ask.

So what should I do? What am I supposed to do?

There are days when I feel angry, but blaming the other person while I feel like the innocent victim doesn't help. For one thing, I was not innocent, but what should I have done instead? I am not exactly sure.

In my more objective state of mind, I understand what's happening now. Haven't I seen it happen before to someone else? I know you mean well and it's better for you, but sometimes I feel bewildered.. as though someone sent me a half-torn map and expects me to know where the treasure is buried.

Am I supposed to ask you? Will you even admit it?

Someone wisely told me that nothing is forever.. and maybe a few months from now we'd be back where we started. But I doubt it. It's happened before and I've watched each one shatter. It's me, I know, who can't put the pieces back again.

But if I get the chance to choose again, I'd make the same choices. For I may have lost 2 eagles, but I've found my snowy owl.

Snapshots

Rare moment alert! I feel like posting photos on my blog. Omigosh. This is rare indeed. I shall sacrifice the obscenely long post I was going to write and post up photos instead.

Let the credits roll.

This was during Kentucky Derby. Derby is one of the biggest horse races in the US.. the winner gets $2 million.. meaning the horse is worth more than me. :S Photo was taken with my co-workers. The guys in the back row are on my team. This was also the first (and only) time I ate pineapples soaked in vodka/mojito/some-strong-alcoholic-drink-that-I-can't-remember. Ugh.. not too good.

My office's Poker Tournament! Very very unexpectedly I won 2nd place.. heehee.. had good luck that day. And some good hands. See my stack. See see. :D :D :D Btw it looks like something is stuck to my teeth hor? But there isn't! My original photo looks fine. Hmmm... weird.

My first skiing trip ever! Sooooo fun. You know how those professional skiers zigzag downhill? For some reason I can only zig right but cannot zag left. :S So I rush straight down until I freak out and fall down. Still fun though.

Played poker at Jim's birthday party. I swear I'm not becoming a poker junkie! Once my mahjong set comes back with yours truly to Louisville.. it'll be mahjong sessions! Muahahaha. And who is Jim? Jim is... if you don't know.. then come and ask me. I dare you. :p

And what's a birthday party without le cake giganto from la factorie cheesecake?

And guests who have to endure my piano playing...

... and politely wait for me to finish.

Last 2 photos completely irrelevant to everything above.. just because I likey.

Photo (a): furball who desperately needs some grooming


Photo (b): me. No it is not a studio shot. Long story about how I got this photo, but it looks decent yeah? :)

End of photo posting spree. Now go read something more meaningful.

Le Festin

Absolutely beautiful song.



The song is called Le Festin, is sung by Camille and comes from the movie, you-guessed-it, Ratatouille. I think I've heard it 48267 times already today. The movie, by the way, is very worth watching. If you haven't seen it yet, stop reading and go download watch it in the cinema right N-O-W.

I just fell in love with French all over again.

Managed to find the lyrics. Did not understand 99% of it. The remaining 1% I could recognize the words but what I thought it meant and what it actually meant was completely different. Eek.

No more learning Spanish! *pretending that I am still learning* (stopped a loooooong time ago)

I shall take up French again!

(But have to wait until I go back to Louisville and move to my own apartment and find a car and finish my next exam and attend APC and and and...)

__________

________ is making me oddly dissatisfied despite the fact that I'm enjoying a 60D/59N holiday package inclusive of all meals when desired and fluffy dog.

Don't know what ______ is. But whatever _______ is... it's making me antisocial.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid.

So I've been counting down on my MSN nick for a few days but I stopped. I think realizing that I have 3 weeks to spend at home until goodness-knows-when is not helping things. Not that I don't want to go back to Louisville though. In fact, I'm quite excited to go back this time. Will be so fun! Moving to a new place, getting more furniture (not really required but I can come up with reasons to buy when the time comes), finding my own car... all with someone's company.

But then I'll be leaving my family again. *sigh* Where's the win-win situation?

Other than that though, everything's going fine. The previous post is not exactly a reflection of what's happening right now. It's uh.. "loosely based on a true story... but more dramatic".

Eesh. Really bugging me.

Argh.

Grrr.

What a pointless post. Shall blog when have more meaningful things to say. Which might be a long long time from now.

不语的等待

我还能说什么

当初答应不变是你

如今默默离去亦是你

曾有雨天为我取暖

曾经孤独有你陪伴

曾经快乐共同分享

曾经一起想着未来

但我的未来或许

就只能想着曾经

已从错愕转为接受

虽然惋惜但我明白

是不平衡的关系

缩短永远的期限

你的付出

没有相对的回报

被宠坏当成自然

过了线的对待

归类为太热情

固执认为

有些事不会变

天真以为

有些话说了就真

知道有些地方出错

告诉我该如何挽回

装着没事

我太了解

你若选择离去

永远说不出口

而我

我还能说什么

My Spring @ Louisville

In the preceding months that I went missing, I..

Thunder-ed Over Louisville.

Ran with the Roses at the Kentucky Derby.

Ate some of the best sushi I ever tasted.

Won and lost at Texas Hold'em.

Ambushed and got ambushed while playing Laser Tag.

Went underground literally in the Mammoth Caves.

Tried Equadorian Ethiopian cuisine for the first time.

Putted a hole-in-one and a triple bogey in Miniature Golf.

Thought my arm was going to break after just 2 rounds of bowling.

Cooked my first few Malaysian dishes since I came to Louisville.

Settled for playing Wii Sports as "exercise".

Found a good place to eat Bibimbap with raw egg.

Watched more movies than I ever did during my 3 years in Iowa.

Joined the circle of life via the Lion King musical.

Picked up phrases from a Chinese dialect.

Ordered take-out from all the major fast food chains.

Felt bad for not updating my blog. Really.

Wolfed down home-made quesadillas.

Picked peaches and hand-fed an alpaca at Huber's Farm.

Wore jeans to work for an entire month.

Attended my own "temporarily-going-away" party hosted by my colleague.

Learned that "one and one is two".

What a wonderful spring. :)

Uh Oh

I deserve to be spanked.

How long have I not updated my blog?? One month and 13 days.

*embarrassed face*

I should not be allowed to re-enter my blog.

Blog entries should start disappearing one by one.

My spelling will slowly detirioraite from now on.

Will not be able. To write. In complete sentences.

Pun)ctuation: will? go, d'own the! drain(

Present and past tenses? What were that?

Forget sentence proper structures will I.

In fact, ingleese is don't I kno!w not.

钥匙

我不是故意的。

这么多年了，因为有他，所以习惯拒绝别人。

如今没有他，却还没把习惯改过来。

所以当我把你推在门外，请你不要放弃。

我其实在门后等着你。

只是有点忘了怎么开门。

手里握着的钥匙，还不敢交给你。

曾经说不能因为一次的经历而不敢再爱。

曾经说不能因为一次的经历而怕受伤害。

可是还是有点担心。

我才刚开始适应一个人的生活。

习惯一个人睡觉。

习惯出去玩不用向人交代。

我不想把刚规律好的生活重新整理一遍。

我不敢。

我还记得几个月前的伤。

还记得那些失眠的夜晚。

所以当你逗我开心时，我心里没忘爱可以有多痛。

因为不敢被伤， 也不敢伤你，所以掩藏自己的感觉。

可以给我多一点时间吗？

假如你是真心的，时间可以翻倒我心里那座墙。

假如你是有意的，不要因为我看似冷淡而气馁。

要多少时间？

我不知道。

你可以等吗？

等到有一天，我会主动握住你的手。

等到有一天，我敢依赖你。

等到有一天，我翻译我内心的话给你听。

那一天，你就会知道。。。

我已经悄悄把钥匙交给你了。

Are you meant for me?

(I just remembered I made a list of "blogs-to-come" at the right column and I NEVER did write any of those. It's about time I start clearing the list. So here goes the first entry...)

Classic-but-highly-delusional-version:

Everyone has someone and only one who is meant for them.

Modified-and-more-realistic-version:

There are ten people out there for every person. If you are lucky enough to find one out of these ten, then you would live together happily ever after.

Note: These ten people are ranked in order. For example, the #1 person for Daniel Wu (which is me of course) is most meant to be with Daniel Wu. His #2 person, let's say her name is Sheau Chin (oh wait that's still me but what do you care), is the next most compatible with him. And so on. The ranking is reciprocal too. So whoever happens to be Daniel Wu's #5 person (which is probably still me) will have Daniel Wu on her list as #5.

A while back, I was talking to a friend about this. I asked her if she believed that she would find the right person for her. The modified version was what my friend told me. She didn't believe that there was only one person for her, she believed there was ten.

So I asked her if she did find one of them, would she know that he is the one meant for her. Or would she always be guessing? She said when she meets him, she would just instinctively know that he is one of the ten. Gut feeling.

So I asked her again, what if she meets 2 of them at the same time? Which one would she pick? Or worse, what if she was lucky enough to meet more than 2 at the same time? What now? That was why she came up with that ranking system. So she would just pick the one that's higher up on the compatibility ladder.

Then I asked her if that meant she would also instinctively know which one is ranked higher? At which point she said yes and told me to zip it.

That discussion happened a few months ago. At first, I agreed with her. Well maybe not ten people exactly, but a few people somewhere out there who were meant for me. Who, when we meet, would spark a fire so strong that it would take a lifetime and then a bit more to burn out.

I've had some time to mull over that discussion. And no.. I don't believe that there are people who are simply born to be meant for each other for life. Maybe there are people who are especially compatible with each other, but the level of compatibility can change with time.

People change. Our tastes, our hobbies, our goals, our desires, our interests. We change everyday. And with that, what we need from other people. So yes, there may be ten people who are just right for me now. But will we be right for each other forever? Who knows? Maybe when we change, we don't change in the right direction. So in that set of ten people, 5 of them are not compatible with me anymore. And because of changes, another 5 who were not in the list gets added.

I believe that at certain times in life, there are certain people (note not just one) who are more likely to fall in love. And when I move to a different stage in life, hopefully we will still be right for each other. But it's not a must. It's not a fact. It's not for sure. So if we change and we find that we are holding on just because and it's not working even though we tried, then it's time to let go. Maybe we'll lose a lover but gain a confidante, or maybe we'll find that even as friends we don't click anymore.

Do I believe that I'll find someone who would grow with me? I don't know. It doesn't hurt to hope. But I know I'm not ready yet. Have I already met the one who's right for me now? Who knows? Oh that's another thing, I don't believe I can instinctively tell that someone's the one for me. Guess I have no gut feelings. But I do know one thing... Daniel Wu's on my list no matter what.

Still Alive...

It's April already!

Didn't fool anyone on April 1st though. Thought about it, but couldn't think of a good trick to play on people. April Fool's Day just isn't the same as it was back in the good ol' high school days. Back then we really had to be careful every single second of the day. Now I barely remember that it was April Fool's Day.

Anyway here comes April! Dawn of spring, beginning of a fresh month, start of the second quarter and........... a new hair color! I got red highlights! :D Love it! It's kind of like my hair color in the beginning of last year, but I can't really remember that color anymore. Now my hair is brown with a just a little red under white light, but under yellow light... it's quite red. Love it under yellow light. Wish it was red under all kinds of light. I will probably make it even redder the next time I go for touch ups. And nope, no photos to show. Too lazy.

I went to watch a piano performance yesterday with a bunch of my friends. Performed by Sa Chen. She was amazing. She played this one song (don't remember the title anymore, I seem to not remember a lot of things nowadays), it was so sad.. my eyes were watering just listening to it. So kua huh? But it's true. I miss playing my piano. Not that I'm very good, but still.

Oh, and Saturday I went to watch Blades of Glory. Wasn't something that I actually planned on watching. After dinner, my friend and I were thinking of going out somewhere and I didn't want to go a bar anymore (because of reasons I'll explain below), so we decided to watch a movie. And Blades of Glory looked the most appealing. It's quite funny, in a guy sort of way. Definitely a feel good movie.

It's kinda sad that Blades of Glory was the most appealing movie though. But I was watching all the trailers... and there's so many movies I want to watch starting in May!!!!! Sooooooo many movies!! I cannot remember what movies already but I know there's a lot. Because after every single trailer I would lean over to my friend and say I've GOT to watch that movie. After every SINGLE trailer. And now I can only remember Spidey 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean.

(Side note: "I don't remember" is a recurring theme in this blog. My memory is failing. Time to buy some gingko balobas.)

Ok, time to write about last Friday. So I went to get highlights after work and left the salon around 8 pm. Joined my friends for Happy Hour after that. Was "happy" for about 2.5 hours and everything went downhill from then on. I mean seriously downhill. I think it was because 1) I didn't have anything to eat since 9 am that morning so had an empty stomach and 2) I mixed drinks again. Why do I never learn NOT to mix drinks? Why? Why why why? Why do I have to gulp down every single drink that other people give me? That's it, no more drinks for this girl here. Well.... at least until the end of this month. :D

This is going to be another great month. I can feel it already!

Philosophical Questions

Philosophical question:

Which is worse? Having too many expectations? Or having none at all?

I think expectations are a scary thing.

What I've never had, I won't yearn for. What I've never done, I won't miss. But once something happens, maybe a few times or maybe just once, I'll learn to expect it.

And when it doesn't happen again, it'll throw me off. I'll get restless and impatient. Waiting for it to happen soon, and for as long as it doesn't, it'll affect my mood.

But when it does, it'll make me happy all day.

So my mood yo-yos from one end to the other end all the time. Which is fun when it's on the high end, not so fun when it's on the low side.

Which brings me to philosophical question 2:

Would you rather.. be ecstatically happy one week but feel down the next? Or feel neutral all the time?

I would definitely pick the first one. No doubt about it.

Yeah, feeling down is not fun. But the week where I'm ecstatically happy more than makes up for it.

I have mood swings. That's an established fact since a million years ago.

So there are times when I feel really really really happy. When I can't stop smiling and I just feel like telling everyone that I'm very happy. But why am I happy? Sometimes I don't even know. I just am. :D

Then sometimes I will feel a bit blue. For no particular reason at all too. Cause personally, I don't think anything bad really happens to me that often. It's not like I'm sad, just feels a bit off. A bit detached from the world. Don't feel like talking to people as much. I want to be alone but I also want to tell someone about it.

But I know soon enough, I will hit the "ecstatic phase" again. And then everything will be fine once more.

Beautiful Days

It's the first day of spring!!!

The weather is very nice nowadays (yes I know it's not as nice as Miami.. people who are in Miami right now are not allowed to leave comments about the nice-ness of Miami's weather). About 17-23 degrees Celcius.

Perfect weather outdoors.. not so perfect indoors. It's quite warm in my office. I think they are fixing the air-conditioning or something. If only I have a laptop... I would go work in the park. It's so nice to get out of the office and feel the breeze. Ahhhhh. Yes, I know not as nice as Miami. I said no comments!

Nothing much to write about recently. Life is mainly about work, work and more work. Well... that and learning Spanish, chatting with friends, catching up on Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy (which is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G btw), and going to my friend's house for dinner and pool on Saturday.

Oh, and did I say that I went to pilates class last Monday? :D First time since I got my gym membership in January. Yep, I paid for 2 months without going once. Didn't even step into the gym until last Monday. I paid $90 just to go to that one class. Have to go more often already. Since the weather is getting better, I have no excuse not to walk outside anymore.

I wish they had more fun classes though.. like Stripperobics! My colleague said her gym had that class.. wouldn't that be fun? I mean err.. interesting. I'm err.. guessing that it would be a good workout?? Not that I would know much about what strippers do. *innocent look*

Spanish 101

Phrases I learnt so far using the Rosetta Stone software:

• El carro es rojo. (The car is red.)
• La niña está corriendo. (The girl is running.)
• El hombre viejo tiene pelo blanco. (The old man has white hair.)
• Un caballo (a horse)

Uh huh right. These will be so incredibly helpful if I ever get stuck alone in Latin America.

On the other hand... phrases I learnt from my colleagues:

• Buenas dias (Good morning)
• Deseo... (I desire...) as in Deseo un hombre (I desire a guy. Kekekeke.)
• Lo siento (I am sorry)
• De nada (You're welcome)
• Socorro! (Help!)
• Yo no sé (I don't know)

And the most important phrase of all...

Quiero una cerveza por favor?

Which.. after saying it 3-4 more times.. would likely lead to..

Dime un beso? ;)

当局者迷

我想我是想念你了。

不见你一两天，心情开始有点郁闷。

是什么原因让我想念你呢？

是我真的喜欢你吗？

还是因为我认识的人不多，又和你谈得来，所以特别想和你出去玩？

有点混乱。

到底喜欢不喜欢你呢？

是纯粹想要有个人依靠？

是因为一起玩时我很开心？

是因为难得在这里找到一个和我谈得来的朋友？

还是真的喜欢你？

又有谁可以说清什么原因就是喜欢，什么原因只是寂寞。

有时候会喜欢上一个人，是环境促成的。

在我心情最低落时，你刚好给了我依靠的感觉。

在我想出去玩却不知道找谁时，你刚好约我一起出去。

我随口提起一个我一直想去却从来没机会去的地方， 你第二天带我去了。

你陪我聊天，逗我玩。

所以慢慢地越来越想着你。

曾经说不能怕受伤害，可是终究是不敢的。

所以我把感觉藏起来，因为不想听到不想听的答案。

但是我想就算我把感觉藏起来，你看得出的。

至少我觉得身边的人看得出。

或许当局者迷吧，可是我猜不透你在想什么。

你喜欢不喜欢我呢？还是只把我当成好朋友而已？

不想问，可是暧昧太久，我开始心急了。

我是要走一步看一步的。

但愿我的耐力能够坚持下去。

Busy Bee

I've been busy!

Worked last weekend... again. Had a deadline on Monday, so once again here I am in the office trying to finish it up on time. I have to work on this meeting deadline thing... I'm sure working long hours cuts down my life span somehow.

So I'm in desperate need of a weekend. Since February it's been "work 12 days, rest 2 days, work another 12 days, rinse and repeat". Luckily I don't have to worry about exams for a while. At least not until early April.

The good thing is.. I get overtime pay! So I got an ipod Nano to reward myself. Love it so much. Yeah yeah, I know I have been saying I won't get an ipod. But err.. needed mp3 player mah. And if use phone as mp3 player, will use up battery very quickly. Keke. I got the red color one. It's pretty. Everyone who doesn't have one... go get one now!!!

Last Saturday I went to my colleague's house to play poker. I won some moo-lah! :) Got some pretty good cards for my last few hands. So yup, just about covered my meals for the week.

Oh I'm learning Spanish now! Cause you know, just in case I meet a Spanish hunk, I've got to make sure I know what he means when he asks me out on a date. Keke, just kidding. I'm learning Spanish because it's useful. Uh huh, that's right. Spanish hunk possibility was not a consideration.

I bought a learning package from Rosetta Stone. Spanish Level 1. And we started a "language corner" in the 6 cubicles around me. Everyday we post up a piece of paper on the wall with 3 phrases. One in basic Spanish, one in basic Chinese (complete with pinyin) and one for English slang. I think I learned more from those pieces of paper than from Rosetta Stone. But that's probably because I've only done 2 lessons.

But then didn't have time to do more lessons because... I've been busy mah.

So yeah, the moral of this blog entry is... I've been busy. But hopefully not crazy busy for too long!

Pool Night

I want to play pool!!! Pronto!!!

A bunch of us went to play pool last night. My colleague recommended this place called Oliver's Billiards. Seriously cheap. $1/hour for each person. It was very smoky, though. Then again, most of the pool places are smoky.

Haven't played in almost half a year. Love the game, still can't play consistently though. For some reason, I just can't seem to get straight shots. Sometimes I can do really hard shots, like when I have to "super-slice" the ball. Remember how I got the black ball in at Olmsted, Jack? Hehe, I remember someone saying he'll "pai" if I got it in wer. :P Left-hander team rocks!

While playing last night, I suddenly recalled someone teaching me how to play pool a few years back. I remember how patient you were. How you made me do the same shot over and over again until I got it in at least twice. How you wouldn't let me give up. I remember when it was my turn, you would watch me shoot to make sure I got the right angle. You would pay attention to me and not at the other tables. I hope someday we'll have a chance to play again.

Oops, went a bit off track and nostalgic there. So yeah, now I have this craving to play again. Have to bug people to go play with me soon.

________________________________________________________

刚读了几片张小娴写的短文，是表姐寄给我的。

其中有一篇正好说出了我的感受。

我发现我留了一些他的习惯。

这并不出奇我知道。

会玩Poker是他教我的。

喜欢打Pool是让他培养出来的。不过上面提到的人不是他。我说让他培养，但不是他教得最好的。

爱听的音乐种类是被他影响的。

我从曾经在我生命中路过的人学来很多生活习惯、爱好。

为何偏爱喝Vodka？因为一个曾经认识的男孩。

为何偏爱喝Vodka掺Cranberry？因为一个失去联络的朋友。

为何喜欢读张小娴的短文？因为一个中学时代的华文老师。

也从曾经在我生命中路过的人，知道什么习惯、作风我是永远也不想有的。

爱情变质了，决不要拖拖拉拉。把自己藏在房里，搞得颓废不堪，又能如何？

还没尝试就先放弃、做不到不会好好检讨还要怨别人，对不起，我要说一句：看不起！

你进了我的世界，到底会留下什么样的脚印？

我拭目以待。

My weekend story

No updates since last Thursday. Evidently I'm getting lazy at this blogging thing.

Let's see... things I planned to do for the weekend. Celebrate. Did that. Go out and have fun. Also done. Do stuff that I can't write on my blog. Yep, did that too.

Last Friday, we went to Sully's (a bar) on Fourth Street Live! It was man-market night. Yes, you read that correctly. It's MAN market. Meaning there are (desperate) guys walking around in the bar with number tags. And if a girl/guy finds them scrumptious enough, he's sold. I wonder if he gets to say no to his buyer or not. Think there's a return policy?

The auctioneer was pulling guys up onstage every now and then to err.. promote the latest "offering". Truthfully, most were big "No"s. This guy was walking around in an orange suit! Wah, that one seriously cannot tahan. But hor, there was one very cute guy loh. Really very cute. I don't want to describe, but believe me, he was cute. The I-will-definitely-break-your-heart kind of cute. Too bad he didn't have a number tag though. :P

Guys are seriously unfair. All this while I've been going to bars and listening to their millions of comments on the ladies there. Lots of pretty girls here by the way. Cute guys not so much. Darn. So finally FINALLY I see one boleh tahan one hor, and I make one tiny comment saying "that guy over there is quite cute". And I get my taste proclaimed terrible, my eyesight doubted, and some eye-rolling action. Unfair or not?

So anyway, conclusion is I didn't bid for anyone in the man market.

Last Saturday I went to my colleagues' house for the poker tournament. Lost. Flat out lost. So much for my previous 2 winnings huh. Didn't have any good hands. And didn't dare to bluff. Was fun though. Their house is soooooooo nice. Next time I want to have a house like that too. With a dog, too.

It was snowing a little that night when we left their house. The roads were pretty icy. And guess what.. we got stuck on the road. There was a pretty bad accident (we found out later on) so the road was basically blocked. Didn't move an inch at all. For TWO hours. TWO hours!Really not moving. We could have turned off the engine and it wouldn't make a difference. Except we would freeze to death maybe. Crazy betul, 20 minute drive became 2 hours plus.

For the first 15 minutes when we were stuck, we watched the cars drive by on the opposite side. Some people here are crazy! These people were zooming past as though the roads were perfectly dry. We saw at least 5 cars spin, some hit the railing too. Since noone got hurt, it was quite interesting to watch.

Yes yes, I know we didn't get nearly half as much snow as Des Moines. Don't brag.

Over and done with

DONE!!! Woohoo! I'm free!!!! It's party time!!!!

I had my exam this morning at 9 am. It was 2 hours long. By 10.55 am I was starting to feel the relief already. Couldn't stop smiling after the exam.

Ahhhhhhhh, feels so good now that the exam is over! I think I did OK, can't tell if I passed or not, but don't care. I'll know in 6 weeks time anyway.

I feel like I didn't have a weekend last week. Went back to work on Saturday and Sunday. And then came home and studied. Did NOTHING fun.

So must celebrate this weekend! Must get wasted go out and have fun! Must go do stuff that I can't write on my blog! (By that I don't mean doing the same thing I did 2 weeks ago :P)

I'm so glad February's done! March, you better be good.

Poker tournament this Saturday.

Let the fun begin.

A Walking Contradiction

I think you can pretty much ignore all my announcements.

When I say I'm going to do (or not do) something, I'll usually contradict myself sooner or later.

Remember when I said that a particular blog will be my last about something?
The next day, I immediately wrote another blog related to that something.

Remember when I said I want to go home ASAP?
Now I'm having so much fun, I don't think I will anymore.

Remember when I said I want to work in a place that's warm all year round?
Look where I ended up. And loving every minute of it.

Remember when I said I won't blog until next Wednesday?
Well well what am I doing now?

Remember when I said I don't want you to come bursting my bubbles?
I think I'm on the verge of bursting them myself.

Obsessively thinking about three things.

Can't stop talking about two.

And listening to the same song over and over again.



I know this blog didn't make a lot of sense.

Oh well.

Gong Xi Fa Chai!

Ok, am 2 days late again. But...

Happy Chinese New Year!!!!!

Year of the Golden Pig. This is my year! And I don't care what people say about offending 太岁. I refuse to offend him. This is going to be one great year for me! I can just feel it.

Erm, have nothing interesting to blog about. Exam's next Wednesday and my mind is FULL of exam stuff. Which naturally means my mind is pretty boring (and bored) these few days. So to not bore all of you, I'm declaring a blog holiday until next Wednesday. No updates from now until February 28. So I don't have an excuse not to study.

Well, actually last Friday night is very very worth blogging about. That was one memorable night. But I can't! Need to preserve my image here, you know. Well, anyway I think almost everyone who reads my blog already knows what happened last Friday. Except those who went back to Malaysia and are busy celebrating CNY.

Oh, and I played poker on Saturday night at my colleague's house. Guess what? I won! I won hands down! Not just by chip count. I have to admit I got lucky at the final round though, it could have gone either way. I hope my luck continues, I've got another poker tournament next Saturday (after my exam :D). That one pays real moo-lah.

No more things to talk about already, wait let me rephrase that, no more things that I can blog about already. Back to studying again. I can't wait for next Wednesday to be over! Fast fast come!

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

Yes yes, I know I'm 2 days late (almost 3). I wanted to wish on Valentine's Day one, but then I got busy mah. And got lazy. And tired. And need to study. And got lazy again.

Nothing special happened this Valentine's Day, which was expected. I went out with a bunch of friends for dinner. Had Peking duck again! I think I'm addicted to that dish. It's so delicious. And so fatty. Which makes it even more delicious. Mmmmm... getting hungry just thinking about it.

I got a box of Godiva chocolates on Valentine's Day. :D It was sooooooo delicious. Brought it to work to share with my colleagues. So good so good. Truffles are still the best though. If you've never tried truffles... well then my friend... you have never eaten REAL chocolate. No kidding. Everyone MUST try truffles. They are expensive though. *sigh*

(I so want to write about something else related to chocolates, but I can't. Darn. Ask me if you want to sampat haha.)

I also got a watch. Going to wear it everyday once I get some of the links removed. Oh and then the day after Valentine's Day, I got a bouquet of flowers from a friend. :) Very pretty! There were white roses, white carnations, purple lilies and some other I-don't-know-what-they-are-called flowers. Thanks yah. I like it a lot. Got a lot of teasing from my colleagues though. Have to keep explaining that it's from a friend only. I have a feeling they don't really believe me. Ah well...

And now it's time to introduce....... Bear Bear and Kacang Bulu!

This is Bear Bear. Bear Bear is 2 days old only, but has already developed an obsessive love for candy. You can tell since he's tied a big bag of candy to his left arm so I wouldn't steal it. He likes to smell good, keeps himself clean and is attracted to flowers. No, he is not gay. Bear Bear is also distantly related to Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.



This is Kacang Bulu, formerly known as Wak Wak until an anonymous person pointed out his real name. According to his birth certificate, Kacang Bulu was born on December 10, 2006. He was unfortunate enough to fall into my hands 5 days later. Muahahahaha. Despite popular rumors, Kacang Bulu does NOT like to eat mosquitoes. He is actually quite the gentleman with polite manners. Check out his spiffy suit complete with tie and all.



Kacang Bulu loves to sing. He only sings ONE song though, and oddly enough whenever he sings, he sounds just like 4 of my friends. Want to hear? (I just uploaded the video, so it might not be available yet. Apparently might take a few hours.)

Bubble of Joy

There's a feeling inside me.. that's creating bubbles of joy. Everytime a bubble pops, it makes me want to smile. It makes me happy. It makes me want to tell someone. It makes me wish I could keep the bubbles bubbling for a long time.

It's so simple. So innocent. It does not ask for anything. It does not expect anything. It gives at will. And it accepts whatever it gets.

It will not get any better than this. One more step, and it's no longer pure. One revealing question, and all the bubbles will burst. One wrong move, and there will be expectations.

So don't come bursting my bubbles just yet. Let's stay like this for a while.


我不想要什么。

我不要你的承诺，也不要你的责任。

我只是要，有时候可以依赖你， 有时候对你任性， 有时候让你照顾。

我不会问你到底要什么。

我不会问你那晚的意义。

请让我好好享受一下暧昧不清的感觉。

让我偶尔猜测你在想什么。

话说太清楚了， 就不再单纯了。

说出来了，不是失望，就是责任。

我不需要责任，亦不要承诺。

我只想，偶尔对你微笑，偶尔看着你，在即将陷进你的眼神前抽身。

还没得到的东西，最好玩。

我不是水性杨花，我只是喜欢这个感觉。

这个暧昧的感觉。

Busy Crazy Week!

Haven't been blogging much lately, compared with the one week where I had a blogging spree. I wrote one per day for 5 days in a row!

Too busy nowadays. I had a crazy week at work. CRAZY. Crazy until I couldn't take my Wednesday afternoon off for study time. :( Partly crazy because I work so slooooooooowly also. But then if I work fast I know I'll miss stuff and then I have to go back and redo it anyway.

Crazy until I have to go back to the office to work tomorrow!!!! And tomorrow is a SUNDAY. I'm working on a weekend for the first time! I think this requires a formal recognition of some sort. In a really weird way, I'm kind of happy that I finally have the need to work on a weekend. If you've never worked on a weekend, then you've never actually worked in a consulting firm. Hehe, just kidding yah. I'm working tomorrow because I'm slow mah.

Oh and so many things happened and will happen this week! My department had a poker tournament on Thursday night! And guess what? I won 2nd place overall. Second place! SECOND place you know! Me, win second place! Hehe, I have to keep saying it because it is really unbelievable that I won SECOND that night. I won second by chip count because we ran out of time. I would have won first if I knew it was the last hand (I thought 2nd last hand pula so I folded). If I went all in last hand, I would have won. But still, I didn't even think I would make top 5 loh. I was expecting to get busted in half an hour.

Trust me, I'm not a good poker player. I don't even have a poker face. But that night, I felt like I could just tell what people have, and somehow I knew when I had the best hand and how to lure them into betting their chips. It was soooooo cool. I think the fact that I only had 2 hours of sleep the night before helped. Too tired to show any expression on my face. Hehe.

And then last night I went out with my colleagues. Went to my colleague's house first, played a drinking game called Connections. So fun, but I was so unlucky loh, one round I had to drink the whole bottle of O3 in like 10 minutes. Then after that we went to play midnight bingo. The place was soooooooooo smoky. And speed bingo is so crazy. The person calls out numbers like a machine gun. I didn't even have time to check all my cards. I think I must missed like every other number he called. Plus the fact that I was a bit drunk already didn't help. Very fun though.

You know, I'm so happy I came to Louisville. Yeah, it sounds like all I do here is drink and gamble only. And I know quite a few of you think I'm becoming a drunkard. Which I'm NOT. I'm just trying to build up my tolerance. ;) But it's so fun here. My colleagues are sooooooooo nice and fun. The friends I met here are sooooooo nice and fun too! Sorry lah, my vocabulary for describing friends is a bit limited. So maybe there are not as many lengzhais here as LA, but who cares? You think I'm such a shallow person meh? I don't make friends with people just because they are lengzhai also. If I do, I won't be such good friends with Mr. Turtle liao loo. :P Hehe, just kidding yah.

There's a nice balance between having fun and studying here. Although recently it's tipping way over to "having fun". Die, I have to finish my 5th report by tomorrow and I haven't even started. Ah well, I'm going out in half an hour again! The university of Louisville has a Chinese Association and they have a Chinese New Year celebration tonight. Their performance schedule looks pretty impressive. The leaflet already looks super impressive. Oh and the food. I hope it's gooooooooooood. Guess I'll just have to stay up tonight to do my report.

I'm so happy I'm here!!! :D

My Skiing Trip

Guess what I did last Saturday??

I went skiing!!! AND tumbling down the slope... since somebody pointed out that I tumbled more than I skied. (Is skied the correct past tense for ski? Looks weird.)

Fell down about 5 times. Average out one per hour. I think lah. Might have lost count halfway. :p Hehe. One time I fell so badly my ski came off. Another time I fell so badly my poles were too far away for me to pick up. Had to leave them halfway up the slope.

But it was soooooooooooo fun!!! 3 years I spent in Iowa, land FULL of snow, and I never went skiing. Had to wait until I came to Louisville for my first skiing trip. My friends and I went to a ski resort called Perfect North near Cincinnati. It's about an hour and 45 minutes away. I just found out Cincinnati is so close by. Am so going there next time for good food.

Since I've never gone skiing before, I went for the newbie lesson. The others had gone skiing before, except one, so he and I went for the lesson together. The instructor was very nice and extremely patient. The lesson was supposed to be one hour long. But then because I was so not a natural skier, he spent an extra hour with us. Until I finally learned how to turn. Hahahahaha. But he was seriously very patient loh. And no, he is not a lengzhai ski instructor. I think if he was lengzhai hor, I don't need to learn how to turn liao. Won't be paying attention at what he's saying.

So now I still don't really know how to turn. I can turn when I'm not skiing that fast, but once I speed up (which is the time when I should start zigzagging), then I'll straight away forget how to turn. Stupid right? The only thing I can say I can do really well... is getting off the lift. Takes skill one mm kay.

Was very very cold that day. We started skiing around 4 pm. Ended 9 pm plus. Temperature was about -10 C. Ok lah, I know it's not as cold as Des Moines, but we were OUTSIDE for 5 hours plus. And then I left my waterproof gloves in my friend's car back in Louisville. So for the first 2 hours I had thin gloves until my friend went to buy thicker ones for me. My fingertips are still numb now. Hope it's not permanent. Too expensive to visit doctor to find out. Hehe.

Quite sore now. Walking like an old lady in the office. Back pain, leg pain, hand pain, fingertips pain. But so so fun! I want to go again some time... but not in such cold weather anymore.

Next time, when it gets warmer... we will be going horseback riding! Who said living in Louisville is boring huh huh huh? *chuin face*

M'sian Restaurant in Louisville

Can you believe it? There's a Malaysian restaurant in Louisville!!!

Called August Moon. Opened by a guy who was born in Ipoh. Apparently it's been here since 1987 (20 years.. whoa...). And has quite good reviews.

So today my friends and I went to try it out. I already read the menu on the website so I knew it wasn't very authentic before going. *sigh* My optimistic hopes about it being like the Penang restaurant in Chicago all gone.

For appetizers, we tried the chicken satay. It was........ HAIH....... I don't feel like saying. It was...... it was....... disappointing. :'( Was quite bland loh. We each took one skewer.. had one bite.. looked at each other with the it's-not-nice-but-I-want-to-be-polite kind of look.. and then all of us said.. "erm.. did they forget to put flavoring?" First round: failed.

I had "Malaysian style beef curry" for my entree. Mm.. definitely not like chicken curry, and definitely not like beef rendang. Speaking of which, I miss beef rendang! But too lazy to cook. So this "curry" hor, it was....... it was...... quite nice loh! :) Even though it's not very authentic lah, but for Asian food, it was pretty good. My friends' choices were pretty good too. 2nd round: passed passed passed!

Actually, I took photos of our food, but I haven't uploaded them from my phone. Why? Cause I'm lazy, and I don't really know how to upload stuff from my phone yet. Haven't done it enough times to remember. Speaking of which, I haven't put songs into my phone! All those free memory sitting idly in my phone unused. So wasted. But ahhh, too lazy.

Erm, I don't remember if I said this before, and too lazy to check my old posts, so I'll just say it again. We've designated Thursday as Dinner Night. My friends and I will go to a different restaurant every Thursday. We take turns choosing one restaurant. So far, we've had Korean barbecue, Cantonese, Greek, pan-Asian, American, and Malaysian!

It's quite fun. 2 of them are my colleagues, the other 3 I met through one of my colleagues. Sometimes they invite other people too (I don't bring anyone since I don't know many people in Louisville). A chance for us to keep up with one another. Plus time passes so fast here that Thursday seems to arrive in no time at all.

Wonder what we'll eat next week....

焉知此祸不是福

Had a really long and nice conversation with my mum last night. 2 hours. Long or not? Was going to talk longer, but then phone card ran out of credits.

Remember the blog I wrote called 牵手? My mum thought it was lyrics from a real song! Haha, I told her I wrote it, and PURPOSELY made it look like song lyrics to con people. She was sooooooooo impressed. Hehehe, my ego is all puffed up today.

I tell my mum everything. When I'm sad, I call home. When I'm happy, I call home. Well, maybe not right away when I'm happy. Cause busy celebrating mah. :P But my mum knows what I've been through and is going through.

My mum said, 焉知此祸不是福. Agreed. My mum said a lot more things. All agreed.

此事不是祸，此事是福。辛苦就一定是祸吗？伤心就一定是祸吗？不。

我辛苦了，伤心了，哭泣了，生气了，颓废了，接受了，看开了，放下了。

是什么？

是我成长了。

Report Passed

It's just been confirmed!

*clears throat* Me officially can write reports! :D

Remember those reports I kept complaining about? Well I have to write 5 (one for each Module) before taking the 5th exam (aka FAP Exam 1). I submitted my Module 4 exercise to SOA (Society of Actuaries) last week and my progress report immediately showed it as "under grader review".

Been obsessively checking my progress report everyday ever since. And today, at 6.46 pm, it now shows my Module 4 exercise as... *drum roooooooolls*... "passed".

*wild display of fireworks* *wolf whistles* *hugs Kacang Bulu*

Am so tempted to show a screenshot, but not sure if I'm allowed to show how the FAP website looks like. So better not take my chances.

But I'm happy happy happy. Now I need to worry about the REAL exam, it's coming up in a month. Scary scary.

No More Sore Throat

I have no more sore throat! *happy happy*

Now I "only" have a cough. And an itchy throat.

Quite cham. Feels like I'm trying to cough out my lungs.

I wonder if my colleagues mind. Cos I just realized sometimes it sounds very serious.

And you know when you have a cough hor, it usually starts getting serious right in the middle of a meeting! Evil coughs.

My sore throat just kind of disappeared overnight. Was still quite sore yesterday, then this morning when I woke up, no more sore throat!

Hmm.. must be the medicine needs some time to work.

OR......... maybe it's the 2-week-old pear I ate last night!

Serious one, it's been in my fridge for 2 weeks. Still edible though. (Proven since I'm still alive.)

Maybe last time old wives used old pears as cure for sore throat huh? Maybe I just found the long-lost remedy!

Just for the record, the pear is the green green soft soft kind. Not the crunchy yellow one. So next time if you have a sore throat, you know what to eat lah hor?

A Promise

Somebody promised me that he'll marry me if I'm still single at 35.

:D

I have no worries in my life anymore.

(Quick! Introduce me to all the guys you know!

I only have 11 more years to go!)

Hehe, just kidding yah.

你是最好的, 你知道吗？

My Horoscope

Guess what's my horoscope today?

You may feel pushed and pulled emotionally but that's what it will take to get you to do what needs to be done to move on. Let go of the things and people who are no longer a benefit. You can find happiness, security and a better future.

Exactly what I need!

I've been saying the same thing over and over again since last Christmas. But what my head tells me and what my heart actually feels can be quite different. And I'm way better friends with my head than my heart.

So yesterday I made a decision to cut off everything. No more 藕断丝连。 Otherwise it'll just drag on and on and take me forever to move on.

I've been rationalizing and overanalyzing my emotions since day one. No more of that. I don't have to reason out what is right and what is wrong. After all, 是非对错谁人悉? We don't have to exchange sorry's, don't have to say thanks. What happened was nobody's fault and our choice. 过去的让它过去.

Thanks to all of you who kept me company. Thanks for listening to me rant on and on and over and over about the same thing. Thanks for staying up at night listening to me vent. Thanks for listening to me even when you need to work. You know who you are. If you think I'm talking about you, then I probably am. Thank you so much. Just a heads up, I'm not saying thanks now because I won't rant anymore.. because I very well might. But I'll try not to. ;)

I don't have to pretend to be strong. If my emotions wash over me again, I'll let myself swim in it, but I won't drown. No I won't. I'm not the only person in the whole world who's going through this. It's just that it's my first, and I'm learning.

But I'll walk through this. How long will it take before I wander through this maze? I don't know. Maybe months, maybe weeks or maybe days. Time will heal me and he doesn't take Disney Fastpasses. So I'll just wait. (And study for that exam in the meantime.)

You know how the more you try to do something, the worse you do? Like when I'm playing Minesweeper, if I am consciously trying to beat my best time, I'll play even slower than I usually do. I got my fastest records when I was not paying attention, clicking away while daydreaming about something else.

So I guess this is the same thing. One day soon enough, when I'm out grocery shopping, or having a walk in the park, it'll suddenly hit me: "Hey, I haven't thought about so-and-so for a while now."

And then I'll know I've moved on.

Here's to my happiness, security and a better future!

(Head: Psst, hey Heart, you listening to all this?)

Curse of the Golden Flower

Note to self: Write about hungry people & apples, 2 lengzhais and theory on ten people when not so tired.

I went to watch Curse of the Golden Flower today. Showing in cinemas here surprisingly. The movie is in Mandarin with English subtitles. Am so thankful they didn't dub it.

Most "memorable" feature of movie: b**bs. I didn't know there were that many Chinese girls who are well-endowed. Ah ah.. no making fun of me! I know you were going to crack some (no doubt lame) joke about me just now. Don't say I perasan. :P

So tired now. Sick also. :( Feels like there's a lump in my throat. But it doesn't feel like the typical sore throat. Also feeling a bit nauseous. Which just reminded me, last time when I say I feel nauseous, my roomie will straight away ask me the SAME question: "so so.. when will I become an auntie ah?" *pengsan (faint)* Make me don't dare to mention it anymore whenever I felt nauseous. So cham, cannot even be nauseous in peace.

Too sleepy. Off to bed. Night night.

Edited：牵手

Erm... I know I said in the last blog that that would be the last blog about my 5-year relationship. But.. I was listening to some songs my biew jie sent to me last night.. and I just absolutely HAVE to put this here. So, no more claims about any blog being the last liao hehe.

牵手

当你放开我的手
再牵起她的手
我像看到了一个新的你

奇怪
从前只想着你的好
如今再和你聊天
想用赞美的话安慰你
我却找不到说不出

你已经不值得我伤心
你不如我坚强
十五个条件你只有兩个
想当初我是执著

过去的让它过去
勿须解释什么
是非对错谁人悉
至少我沒有失去自己

离开你的枷锁
我只是在等
等翅膀痊愈
寻找我的天空

我不懦弱
只须要一点时间

待泪流干了心不再淌血
我已不再眷恋
不再回头看我們走过的路

我现在受伤了
但我希望你们会幸福
当我的翅膀痊愈了
我会飞得更高

或许再多一点时间

我会记起你的好

我们曾经快乐的回忆

你曾经让我感动的一面

我不会因为你
不会因为你而不敢再爱

不会因为你而怕受伤害

我只是在等
等你的影子
不再出现在我的心里
然后把我的心
交给一个爱我的男人

因为我知道
外面有个男人
等着牵起我的手

我们的开始

不会有你的阴影

I wrote this last night. :)

One Last Thought

I had a GREAAATTTTTTTT weekend!!!

Hahaha, so happy now. Don't ask me why cause I don't even know why myself.

*ninja turtle hopping around madly*

Someone hit me on the head right now.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the last blog I'm going to write about the relationship I had for the last 5 years. Kinda sad huh? But I think everything I need to say can be said here. I might reminisce in the future, but that's just memories.

It's been 4 weeks.

What a whole lot of change.

You know those articles that tell you how to deal with a breakup. The different post-breakup stages you would go through. Well I don't remember much about them.

But in the past weeks, there were many times I felt like I was watching myself going through the emotions that rush into my mind. Like a passive observer standing across the street.

I would feel sad. And then I would think to myself: "look I'm sad now. Well, that's right. I should be sad". And I would encourage myself to just let everything sink in. Until I don't feel like feeling sad anymore.

Sometimes I would be happy. Relieved maybe. Or anticipation for the unknown future. One of those, I don't know. I might feel a little upset. But I have not, surprisingly, felt angry. Maybe it was because I had expected it. Maybe because it wasn't a complete surprise. I don't know. Who knows? Good though, no anger means no dead cells.

I'm the kind of person who wants to go through everything quickly. By week 2, I thought to myself, "Ok, hurry up and finish feeling sad. You know you can't wait to see the new life you are going to have. Get over it already."

But then I figured, "you know what, 5 years is a whole lot of my life. Almost 20%". (Stop trying to figure out how old I am right now!) So I decided that I would give myself a few months to get over it.

I wasn't used to the change. He's been a big part of my life for so long. My cousin said that studies have shown that doing something continuously for 21 days would make it a habit. So all I needed was 3 weeks. I wasn't sure about that. Felt like I was trying to get over a drug addiction or something. NOT THAT I HAVE EVER DONE DRUGS BEFORE. I'm just saying felt like, as in what I think getting over drug addictions would be like.

And now it's week 4. And I don't think about him day and night anymore. I'm genuinely happy. I think about other people. And it's making me confused. Because aren't I supposed to be sad still? How could I get over a 5-year relationship so easily? I was worried and guilty, am I really as detached and cold as I always feared I was?

Today, I have nothing to worry about anymore. He's happy, or at least he's found his happiness his way. There is no turning back, and as much as I claimed the same since week 1, today I truly think there is no turning back. And we don't have to turn back. We can just keep walking ahead. Maybe our paths are no longer the same, but at least they cross every now and then.

Would you, the outsider, believe me if I said I just want to be good friends from now on? Would you think I meant it? Or would you think that I am holding on to the faint glimmer of hope that someday we would get back together again?

I believe myself. And I believe him.

Plus you know that fun in the beginning? When you are not sure if he likes you or not. And if you like him or not. When you two are playing hide and seek. Well...... I just remembered. :D

A Letter to SOA

Excuse me, Mr. SOA, I have a question...

Why am I ALWAYS writing reports???

Why can't we, just for ONE module, do something else instead huh huh???

Like.. oh I don't know..

one of those crazy hair-pulling nail-biting brain-juice-draining math questions we did for the last 4 exams?

Oh wait, we are doing those. ALONG WITH these reports.

AND the 1,257,356 pages of reading material.

The reading material, by the way, is falling a bit short of your goal of making me completely confused.

As of today, I'm only confused 83.54% of the time.

So why why why did we change to this system?

I mean, what was wrong with the old way?

Did you think we hated the 3,265,692 pages of study notes previously?

Or was it the 90.2% passing rate for the new system that you presumed would be more appealing?

Or maybe you just took the liberty of assuming that we preferred the MCQ format rather than writing essay questions?

Did you ask us first huh huh??

Well let me tell you something mister...

.
.
.
.
.
.

you are RIGHT.

P.S: I'll include my thanks if I pass my exam. Otherwise...

(Numbers are all made up and have no statistical backing.)

Have you seen this guy?

Missing.

26 to 29-year old.

Is about 6 feet (1.83 cm) tall.

Works out occasionally and likes to play sports.

Confident and intelligent, but does not take himself too seriously.

Sensitive enough to understand my feelings.

Strong enough to handle my temper.

Makes me feel safe.

Has a passion in his life.

Able to make quick decisions when needed.

Someone that I can talk to about anything and everything.

Likes to travel and try out new activities.

Man enough without being chauvinistic.

Makes me laugh.

Is genuinely interested and supportive of my dreams.

Someone whom I respect.


If found, please notify immediately.

Looking Back Looking Ahead

Let's talk about 2006.

I wrote a letter to Santa in 2005 as a recap of the year, but this Christmas I decided not to write to Santa anymore. Didn't have any wishes to ask. Besides, I'm getting too old to write to Santa.

2006.. hmm.. lots of "first"s in that year.

It started off with a bang. Literally. I spent New Year's eve in Las Vegas with my gorgeous roommie. Who's off to Europe right now looking for Parisian hunks. I hope she's successful, cause she has promised to bring home one for me. Keke.

Oops digressed a bit there.

2006 was a year of change. I changed from "student" to "actuarial analyst". Can't sleep in just because I feel like it anymore. No more homework or assignments. No more eating in Hubbell. Have to dress up properly everyday. Have to act professional.

I moved from Des Moines to Louisville. All alone. A little scary but quite liberating as well. I'm finally living alone after 5 years of dorm life. I love having roommates though. Miss all my roommies.

I visited a few places. The Grand Canyon, House on the Rock (Wisconsin), Disney World! (Orlando), and St Louis (Missouri). Had a lot of fun.

I went home finally after almost 3 years. So many things changed but so many things didn't change as well. I ate a lot of good food, met all my cousins and friends and relived the 'mamak' experience. Which made me feel that the best place to be is still home. Even if the quality of life is supposedly not as good, even if I don't earn as much there, home will always be home.

And 2006 ended with another bang. A different kind. After a little more than 5 years, I'm now single, available but not desperate. Yet. Keke. Back to where I began, but older and wiser. It's been a good journey, and I'm ready for a new chapter in my life.

I left last year with a lot of questions and some confusion. This year, I might not get all the answers I want, but I will do my best to search for them.

I spent last year doing all the things that I thought I should do, whether I want to or not. I started things with my heart, but let my head overrule everything. This year I'm going to follow my heart, and do what I really really want.

Last year I spent too much time studying and working. This year I want to pay more attention to my family (including my cousins) and friends.

If 2006 was a transition year, I want 2007 to be a year of self-discovery. It's going to be all about the me inside. :)

Winterfest 2007!

Last Saturday, our department had an event called Winterfest. Which is a fancy way of saying "annual new year dinner".

It was quite fun. Dressing up and meeting my colleagues' wives/ husbands/ girlfriends/ boyfriends after hearing about them for so long.

The food itself was okay, there was cheesecake! Although I think I've been pampered by very good tiramisu, so cheesecake doesn't have as much appeal anymore.

There's a Happy Hour coming up in two weeks! I think my department has tons of activities going on. One luncheon per month, potlucks every now and then, one happy hour per month, and then during summer there's softball, volleyball, soccer, scavenger hunts, farm outings...... I can't wait for summer already!

As promised, here are photos from Winterfest:

This is me, posing before leaving for Winterfest. Don't tell me you don't take photos of yourself when you are dressed up. :P I don't know why I'm holding the camera at that angle.



Sabrina and Jazz sit in the same "six-pack" (cubicle cluster) as I do. Baiyun is Jazz's guest. Sabrina's a reeeeeeeally nice person. She and I go grocery shopping together every Thursday. And we eat lunch together. Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without her in Louisville.



Jason and Alan also sit in my cluster. I didn't take a photo with the girl missing from our "six-pack" though. Shoulda. Rebecca is Dan's roommate. I work with Dan ALOT. Somehow we keep getting thrown into the same project teams. He's fun though. Jason and Alan keeps bullying him about giving me too much stuff to do. And I don't bother correcting them. Kekeke.



Okay, it's too much trouble making borders for all these photos. So that's it for show and tell. :P

夜晚的心声

什么时候最难熬？夜深人静的时候。

什么日子最难过？每星期习惯和他聊天的时间。

越来越难入眠。

每晚躺在床上，反反复复地回想。 回想好的从前，也回想不好的从前。

不要告诉我别想这么多。

我要一直想，想到我自己不想再想了。

夜晚心里特别寂寞。

月亮反映出我的孤单。

我趴在床上，用手撑着头， 看着外面的街灯车辆广告牌。

外面的世界一如往常。

我的世界却彻底地变了， 可是表面上看来，我的日子没有很大的改变。

每天照样上班。 同事中只有一个知道我的事。所以对他们来说，我还是我。

把私事和公事划清，有时让我感觉很不协调。 好像有两个面具。

偶然发现有个同事的父亲去世了，我猜他不想别人知道。

我看他上班，和往常没什么不一样，但是他内心是怎么样的？应该很伤心吧。

我每天上班，和同事聊天，一起做project，开会。就像以前的日子。

但是下午当我坐在自己的cubicle时，有时会发呆。

好奇怪的感觉。

像有两个我，一个如往常过日子，一个却停了脚步。两个我活在同一个躯壳里， 造成心理矛盾。

我跟表姐说我不习惯这个改变。

表姐告诉我，“调查显示一个人做一样东西21次后，就会变成习惯。”

所以多九天，我就会习惯了。

习惯改变了我。

以前不曾有个人陪我，所以不怕一个人的生活。现在习惯有个人陪我，就觉得一个人就是寂寞孤单。

我是坚强的女人吗？可能吧。

但再坚强的女人，也会欢迎一个更坚强的男人的肩膀。

他不是。所以我不能怕一个人的生活。不管多久，我也要等那个男人。

以前我不能了解别人的伤心，现在我即使不能了解，但至少能体谅。

伤心的时候，最感激朋友的支持。 最惭愧自己以前因为恋情而忽略他们。

谢谢你们的关怀。

“木目心今心人尔”， 我明白这个句子了。 :D

P(survival on island) = 0

I've been thinking... if I ever get stranded on an island, I'm not going to be of much help. (This was inspired by watching too many episodes of Lost over the weekend.)

If I ever got stuck in the wilderness, I highly doubt my chances of survival. For one, I don't like weird creepy noises. How those people can walk around the jungle ALONE looking for food is beyond me. If I even so much as hear a cricket sound, I'm going to start running.

Oh and I was thinking... there's not much an actuary-wannabe can contribute to survival hor? I mean who cares about the probability of being mauled by a tiger? Doesn't matter if it's 0.003 or 0.87. When it happens, it happens.

And all those stuff about present value, credibility or valuations? Not gonna make a difference on an island.

Maybe I should go learn something useful. Like CPR or rock-climbing. Or maybe identifying poisonous plants from medicinal herbs. So that in the 0.000001% chance that I get shipwrecked or something, I can do something.

But am not interested in those. Ah well, I did plan on relearning French. Doesn't sound useful, but it was on the show anyway. :P

On another note, my cousin sister is a most wonderful person! She really knows how to console people. Makes me feel so much better after talking to her. Thanks a lot, biew jie. :D We are going to Mulu Caves in July! Remember to take leave oh. :P

Lost

Guess what I've been watching for the last few days? Lost Season 1!

Yeah, I know I'm like one of the last 10 people on Earth to watch it. But I still want to say: it's soooooooooo good!!!

For those who don't know that show, it's about a bunch of people who took a plane from Sydney to Los Angeles. Enroute, the plane crashed and they landed on a mysterious island. And these people are not the standard law-abiding citizens either. Almost all of them seem to have some dark or unspeakable past.

So many people have been bugging me to watch it since it first came out. And as usual, the more people keep making me do something, the more I don't want to do it. Hehe. But then I ran out of new Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives episodes to watch, so I figured... why not?

It's so good! So good! SO GOOD!!!

WM should have sat me down and forced me to watch the first episode last time. Hehehe. How come people will force me to watch horror movies but not good dramas huh? Hmph. Mean people.

Now I'm going to make everyone watch Lost!

I like the way they set up the storyline. Weaving their pre-island lives with what's happening on the island. I always can't predict what's going to happen next. And the characters, I still can't decide if anyone is good or bad.

All this typing is making me want to watch another episode now! Oh, Grey's Anatomy is still the best though. :P

Insomnia

I can't sleep.

It's past my bedtime and I can't sleep. There are too many thoughts swirling in my head. I feel that chill coming back to me and there's an empty feeling inside my heart again. I'm drinking a glass of milk now because somebody told me that milk helps to induce sleep. I hope it does.

I just realized that there's nobody I can talk to right now. Almost everyone has gone somewhere. To Europe, to Hong Kong, or back home. My friends in Malaysia or Singapore are working, and my mum's out somewhere. Noone that I want to talk to is available.

I miss talking to you. There's no pretending about it. I've been talking to you for so many years, it's already a habit. And you know what they say about habits. Easy to pick up, tough to drop. How true. I've been trying to stop biting my nails for 4 years and I still haven't completely stopped.

So there's no way I can stop just like this right now. After all, this 'habit' was learned over 5 years. Yes, I know we are still friends and we don't have to stop talking. But what I mean is, I don't have to care the way I used to. I don't have to ask about some things anymore. Yet it's hard to distinguish that fine line between caring as a friend and as a lover.

The hardest part is recognizing that some things will never happen again. Some places I'll never go. Some stuff I'll never do. Are we supposed to forget them? Or just store them in a corner of our minds and never talk about those memories again? I don't understand. Am I allowed to fondly reminisce? Or is that a sign that I haven't moved on?

I do want to talk to you. Like friends who have grown older and wiser with each other's company. I want to go back to how it was before it all began, but with greater understanding and more inside jokes. And I hope that when life picks up its pace again, we'll keep in touch.

I think the milk has worked its magic. I'm off to bed.

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year everyone!!! *fireworks display*

And with a spanking new 2007, comes a new blog layout! Ta-dah! What do you think? I love it! Best I can do with my copying and pasting skills. The background is supposed to make it look like I'm writing on recycled paper. And the tulips in the header, well that's because I like tulips. :)

Oh, press F5 and watch the "Quotes" section in the sidebar. And the row of tabs at the top are clickable and link to the blog posts with the corresponding labels. Isn't that cool? I have no idea how to write the code that does that.

So since this is the first blog entry for 2007, I figured I should start the year in the right path and do........ my new year resolutions!

First of all though, I need to revamp my lifetime goals a bit. I read somewhere that the best way to set lifetime goals is to figure out what I want people to say at my funeral. But that's just depressing. So I decided that I will write my goals as far-ranging as I can.

Here goes...

In my lifetime (as far I can see), I want to

• learn French, Russian, Spanish, and Japanese and any other language that I can
• travel the world, especially Greece, Italy, Argentina, the Caribbean islands and France
• learn how to dance... properly
• have enough free time everyday
• find my soul-mates
• stay close with my family, relatives and friends
• love someone with all my heart
• have someone who loves me with all his heart
• have a fulfilling and challenging career but not let it rule my life (this cannot be a 9-to-5 job!)
• meet people from different places and different cultures
• have an interesting story to tell my grand-kids when I become a cool grandma :P
• be fit and healthy and look good
• give generously without expecting anything in return
• follow through with my plans and not procrastinate
• be satisfied and at peace with who I am

The cross-outs are from my previous lifetime goals, italics are new additions. The goals are all pretty vague and general, except the first two. But I'm going to come up with a way of measuring how far I've achieved each one. Like say if I'm once again in an airport and late for my connecting flight, and I can run from gate A10 to D12 without feeling like my heart is going to burst, then I have achieved the "be fit and healthy" goal.

Alrighty, I'm not going to write my new year resolutions here because it's too personal. Oh but I want to say I've found a way to motivate myself to reach my goals. For every day/week/month that I follow through on what I plan to do, I'm going to put $1 into my imaginary piggy bank for vacation funds. E.g. if I plan to exercise twice a week and I did it this week, $1 is in the fund. Yeah I know $1 is not a lot, but I have A LOT of goals. And I'm not going to take out money if I don't reach my goals. I don't believe in denying oneself of pleasures. :P

At the end of this year, depending on how much is in my "piggy bank", Europe / Hawaii / Pulau Redang here I come!

(I sure hope it's Europe.)