Is there a blog term for latergram?

I am slowly but surely making my way through the very very full folder of pictures on my hard drive called "unfiled photos". The problem is that each time I go through a folder of pictures from an event in our lives whether 2 years ago or 2 days ago, it brings back a flood of emotion and feelings that I feel I may forget if I don't record them somewhere. And so this is where I do that. On instagram you can just add the hashtag latergram and then it is cool that you are posting something from days/weeks/months/years ago, and I don't know if there is a blog equivalent of that other than "yep, I'm still a slacker!" but I am doing it anyway, and I hope the 5 of you that still read this blog don't mind.

Back in February of 2013, we had our surgery to save the sweet little twin baby boys who are now running around and climbing on things and making messes everywhere they go. As I looked through the pictures labeled "LA Trip", the flood of emotions of those days came right back swelling in my heart and spilling out from my eyes. The funny thing about it is that I wasn't remembering the worry or the fear (although you can see it in our eyes), but the absolute hope and faith that carried us. The prayers and love of so many who were supporting us were felt in a very real way, and while everything inside of us said this is scary and hard and we are completely helpless, our hearts knew it would be ok.

I see in those two faces absolute unwavering faith that there was a plan for our family and this was a part of it and faith that we could get through it, no matter the outcome, as long as we had each other. I had no idea then how deeply the two little humans I was carrying would change my life forever, but I am ever grateful for the strength I had to move forward with hope and faith and not be overwhelmed with the fear and gravity of the circumstance.

And on a less serious note: let me remind you that I was only 24 weeks into my pregnancy and this was my silhouette... I definitely have not forgotten feeling so full and uncomfortable that I thought I would burst when I was swollen with all that extra fluid from the TTTS. Also, there is just something incredible and wonderful about breathing in the ocean air and hearing the waves on the beach. Sunsets are an added bonus!

Tumacaori Mission Christmas Eve

Since we aren't sure how much longer we will get to call Tucson home, we decided we better get going on our Tucson bucket list, and the Christmas Eve Luminaries have been on the list of things we wanted to do since we got here. So, we got it on the calendar early and made plans to spend our Christmas Eve down south at the Tumacacori mission. It was such a wonderful experience complete with making friends with some strangers in the line, caroling with them while we waited for dark, and an unsuccessful attempt to grab some tamales for dinner leaving us with a very late trip through the Carl's Jr. drive thru for Christmas Eve dinner. It was memorable for sure and so very very cool to see! If we happen to be here again next Christmas, we would definitely do it again! All of the luminaries are hand lit real candles. Amazing!

last photo is a long exposure taken by Seth

remembering when...

they were so little and sweet. sigh.

They are still just as sweet, but I miss those teeny tiny little fuzzy arms.

Ollie

When Callie died I thought that we should just stick with a household of people. Logistically it made sense: we are renters, we know we are moving again at the end of the school year, we have a lot on our plate right now with three toddlers causing mayhem in our house, we host a lot of playdates and joy school and dance classes and dinner guests. That combined with the awfulness of saying goodbye to a dog you love, I thought we should wait at least a couple of years until life settled down a bit before deciding to start that cycle over again, and Seth was ok with that plan.

But it took about 3 days to realize that our house just didn't seem the same without a four-legged, tail wagging family member. We learned that we are dog people through and through and when you know you are a dog person and that you will get another dog, it didn't seem to make sense to wait. So after 5 days of a too quiet house, permission from our landlord, a lot of internet searching and house scrubbing, we went off in search of a puppy. We figured that child-filled household was probably not a good fit for a dog that wasn't used to that, and since we are 100% in favor of adopting dogs from the shelter, figured a puppy would probably be the only truly safe option for us. So, with ample hesitation and a fair amount of realistic dread and excitement for the puppy stage, we were off looking for a little furball to love.

We did find some puppies, but none that were ready to take home that day, and we learned all about how to go about being in the right place at the right time to get a puppy when they came available. But, in our searching, the shelter staff showed us a one year old dog whose background they didn't know, but who was very very good with kids. I was still nervous. He was gorgeous and so sweet, but he was also big. Very big. And if that dog got pushed beyond his limit in a household of chaos and reacted...he would do significant damage to a little body. We were running short on time, and I decided to leave him behind despite puppy dog eyes...from Seth and the dog.

Ellie took a bunch of pictures of him on my iPhone while Seth and the shelter lady were trying to convince me to get him.

It took me 20 minutes of the drive home and a call to my brother, the dog adopting expert, to ease my fears and decide that we needed to go back and take the big lug home with us. So we picked up the big kids from school, grabbed some food for all of us who had been looking for dogs all morning and hadn't eaten yet, and drove the 35 minutes back to the shelter. When we got there and told them we were there to adopt the dog, they told us that someone had come to adopt him while we were gone and they had already taken the paperwork to the cashier. They went to go make sure, and as luck would have it the paperwork was at the cashier's desk because the people had changed their minds at the very last minute and decided not to adopt him. Crazy!

We took him out to the meeting area to introduce him to the big kids. They fell in love with him, of course, and started dreaming up names while I signed all the paperwork and paid our $15 (he had been there about 2 weeks, so they only charge the license fee...amazing!). Then we loaded him into the car and decided to name him Ollie (short for Oliver, but Chloe doesn't love the name Oliver, so we only call him Ollie).

He had just gotten neutered when we got him, so he couldn't have a bath and had to have a cone for the first couple of days home. He was so calm we hadn't heard him bark for the first week we had him. He had kennel cough and his ribs were all showing when we brought him home because he hadn't had enough to eat and was malnourished. Honestly I was a bit worried he was just too mellow for our energetic household, but when he got his collar off, we knew we had made the right decision because he started to show some energy and life, but was still so tolerant and gentle and loving with the kids. He continues to be so very sweet and cuddly and well behaved. He is just well behaved enough that you think you don't need to train him, and then he goes and poops in the house, or tries to jet out the door, or puts his muddy paws on your white couch and you remember that he is still a puppy and definitely will take some training!

I sent this picture to Seth the morning after we got him because my heart was so happy to see a puppy laying in the sunshine. He can never replace Callie, but he has started to help our hearts heal from the heartbreak of losing her.

We love our Ollie and are so glad we have him in our home! He has been doing a fabulous job of shedding all over my house, eating the crumbs off the ground (and food off the counter) and most importantly absorbing some of the kids energy!

I wanted to document what he looked like when we brought him home, so these pictures are from a couple days after we got him.

The Night Sky Halloween 2014

I am just going to accept that I will probably not be a consistent blogger in the foreseeable future, so I am just going to record the current stuff when I have time and let the rest go. :) Between instagram and some random blog posts here and there, and the private journaling I do in DayOne on my iPhone, that should be a pretty complete picture of my life for posterity, right?

For starters, I have to say, I used to really enjoy Halloween, but at this stage in my life, I have decided I just don't love it...or really even like it. It is so much work/expectation/sugar/busyness with no good reason. Other holidays involve all the same things, but at least they have some redeeming quality like a celebration of giving, gratitude, love, life, patriotism, not to mention all the wonderful religious celebrations! Since I really don't like scary stuff or gross stuff and we aren't big into letting our kids have sweets because they turn into monsters, there just isn't much to redeem Halloween from being a pointless holiday for me. I love the creativity of coming up with fun costumes, and my kids are halloween fanatics, so one day, I hope to enjoy it again.

Despite my Halloween negativity, we managed to have a lot of Halloween fun this year amidst the craziness/crankiness. October is a crazy month, and was especially so this year with our anniversary trip, family in town, fall break, a relief society activity I was in charge of, and then Callie getting sick/passing away and getting a new puppy, so despite our costume plans being set in September, I did not have our costumes ready when the first party rolled around. That was probably the most fun costume night, though, because we totally made do with what we could come up with at our house in two hours or less. Morgan went as a skeleton in his glow in the dark jammies, I wore Chloe's ghost tutu from last year and went as the tooth fairy, the babies wore white onesies and we called them teeth, Seth wore a clown wig and a racquetball on his nose, Brynn wore Morgan's monster costume from last year, Ellie wore a Sleeping Beauty dress from the dress up bin, and Chloe insisted on being a mermaid. That was a tricky one, so after a few failed attempts to make something look like a mermaid tail, she ended up in a long purple maxi skirt of hers layered under a purple stretchy pencil skirt of mine, a swimsuit top, and shell jewelry. That girl and her ideas. I wish I had taken any pictures, but all I have are a couple shots a friend took of Morgan and Chloe (thank you for sending these to me Rachelle!). I am lame.

After that, I got my self in gear and got all the kids' costumes ready for the trunk or treat. Chloe had come up with the great idea of being constellations, so I painted glow in the dark stars on black outfits and connected the stars with tape. They were cool. But, the stars didn't glow and they paint was pretty faint, so it was kind of an epic Halloween fail because nobody knew what they were. (again, this is the only picture I took because I am lame).

After that, I got glow in the dark stars and just glued them on for actual Halloween night. I tested them, they worked and we were all set. We didn't get around to taking pictures until the light was almost gone, so the lighting is pretty terrible for most of them, but our stars were glowing and people knew what we were, until we got a few houses away and they stopped glowing. What? Glow in the dark stuff is annoying. Luckily we had a black light flashlight with us and we would "charge" our stars every so often. Anyway, we trick-or-treated with some favorite friends (love you Beatty family!) and got loads of candy and then came home to Lincoln not being able to breathe and whisked him off to the hospital...but that is another story. So without further ado, I give you The Night Sky:

see, we glowed! 

Brynn was Scorpius - this is her best scorpion look

Chloe was Cassiopeia - because she was the queen, obviously

Morgan was the Phoenix

Ellie was Cancer - the crab - she is such a goof

Here are the four sort of cooperative children

Lincoln and Ryder were Gemini "the twins" - they shared a star on the sleeve of each of their shirts. They would not oblige for a photo, so try and get the vision from this series of photos. ha ha. (Lincoln on the left/Ryder on the right)

Ryder on the left/Lincoln on the right...see the half a star on Lincoln's sleeve? 

Ryder

Lincoln on the left, Ryder on the right

Lincoln

Seth was the Big Dipper and I was the Little Dipper. Photo credit: Morgan

And there you have it...the night sky Tates and Halloween 2014! You are welcome Mom. ;)

And now on to November!! I may not be a big Halloween fan, but Thanksgiving is my favorite!!!!

Tribute to our Sunshine Pup

Last Thursday, October 23, we had to put our sweet Callie dog to sleep. Two days earlier she had suddenly started throwing up, stopped eating and didn't want to move. We took her to the vet and her blood work showed kidney failure. The vet thought it had probably been progressing over the past month, but that she just kept going full speed until her body shut down completely. So, upon his recommendation, and with very heavy hearts, we said goodbye to our best little four-legged friend.

young puppy Callie in October 2004

Callie has been a part of nearly all of our family's life together. We got her as a 3 month old crazy puppy for my birthday in 2004, less than a year after getting married. We had just bought and settled into our first house, and knew that we wanted to raise our kids with a dog. Seth is a total animal lover, but I had grown up fearing dogs, and we didn't want our kids to repeat my experience. So, we decided to get a dog that day, drove to Spanish Fork (because it was the closest shelter with any puppies that day) and brought home Callie despite her overwhelming amount of energy. We had absolutely no idea what we were doing, and we were so unprepared for her. We didn't even have a crate for her, so that night we made a little makeshift bed/crate out of some plastic yard fencing and a laundry basket. She would not stay contained, though, and quickly found out how to get right out of that thing. The next day, we bought a crate...and found out that I was pregnant with Morgan...talk about timing.

Our family on our first "Conference Drive" in October 2004

We think that Callie had been abused before we adopted her. She came to us scared, anxious, nervous to be near us, and completely numb to pain. Our neighbor later told us that he was sure we were going to take her back to the shelter within a week because she was such a handful. It took weeks to convince her that we wouldn't hurt her, but eventually she stopped bracing for abuse when we would reach toward her to pet her. She became quite the little cuddle bug, though, burrowing her way under the covers of our bed all the way to the very bottom to snuggle by our feet. She had a slight identity crisis...she loved to climb up on the back of the couch and lie there in the sunshine like a cat...and she loved to rub up against your legs and arch her back up against you like a cat. She would find any inch of sunshine streaming in from the window and curl up right there on that spot to rest. After months of that, we dubbed her "sunshine pup".

Callie's first Christmas - she had just learned how to sit and stay

Callie catching snowballs

She was the highest energy dog we had ever known. She could outrun any dog we met, and would constantly jump in between dogs that were fighting at the dog park and get them to chase her to break up their fight. She was a jumper and a chewer. She failed her puppy training class because she just had too much energy! She ran into a moving car when we picked her up from the vet after getting spayed because she darted off and didn't see the car coming and ran right into the side of it. She chewed up vacuum cords, stuffed animals, frisbees, bras, diapers, balls, leashes, every shoe in the house, a couch cushion and even chewed a giant hole right in the middle of a brand new memory foam mattress topper we had just opened and put on our bed. She did eventually learn a lot of tricks though. One of our favorites was "velociraptor" where she would stand up on her hind legs and balance in the air like a velociraptor. She would also stand on her hind legs and give Seth hugs, he would then make her dance with him...but she did not enjoy that very much. She was in love with balls and frisbees and would do quite the acrobatics to catch them, but then would run away with it and never give it back. She did learn to come and stay and sit and lie down, but regardless of her training, she would bolt out the front door any chance she got. Man she was fast and there was no hope of catching her unless you could get her attention with a ball, frisbee or treat. We tried every kind of collar and leash to make walks manageable because she would pull so much, and finally found the gentle leader, which is the only thing that worked. Even still, she was always right out in front, leading the way.

Callie and baby Morgan

When we brought Morgan home, we were amazed that even though she would still run around like a psycho dog, she was very conscientious of him and very gentle with him. My family still recounts the time he was laying on a blanket on the floor only a few weeks old and she pulled the blanket out from under him, sending him catapulting over, but for the most part she was so sweet with him. We would find her under his crib while he was sleeping or following him around to keep him out of trouble. She didn't mind when he stole her food, bones, and toys, or when he grabbed her ears, poked her eyeballs, pulled her tail or later sat on her like a horse. She obliged him with sloppy lick kisses in his open mouth, and cleaned the spit up off his face. She learned the art of high chair floor clean up, and hovered around whenever he was eating.

Callie, Seth and Morgan in the backpack

She was our outdoor adventure companion. She loved to hike with us and would run up ahead to scope out the trail and then come right back as soon as we were out of sight to make sure we were coming. I think she traveled about 10 times the distance we did on those hikes with all her running ahead and coming back to check on us. She didn't love the water the first time Seth threw her in, but as she got used to it, she became quite the water-loving dog. She would go out on the canoe with us and then jump in and swim alongside us as we paddled. One time we got her some little "paw shoes" to protect her feet on our rocky adventures, and we laughed our heads off as she walked in them the first time. She pranced like a horse until she ripped those suckers right off of her feet. She was hilarious to take snowshoeing too. She would run so fast that she didn't even sink into the snow. It was like watching a twitterpated deer prancing around in Bambi. She loved it when we took her sledding because it was the only time we could keep up with her speed. She would run alongside us as we zipped down the hill.

Callie chasing Morgan and Seth on the sled

Callie and Roxy

Right before Chloe was born, we took in a puppy from a friend who had rescued a pregnant dog. Roxy was just 8 weeks old when we brought her home, and Callie took her on as her own puppy. She showed that little puppy the ropes of life with babies and toddlers around. She taught her all of the bad habits, and all of the good habits, and she played and played with that little Roxy until Roxy got bigger than her and tried to steal all the sunshine spots. Callie was not too thrilled about that. They were buddies though, and when we had to find another home for Roxy a couple of years later right before Brynn was born, Callie missed her friend. Callie continued to be crazy and energetic and fast, but with each little baby we brought home from the hospital, she softened and sweetened and mellowed a little more. She loved those babies of ours with all her heart!

Callie watching over newborn Ellie

Callie and Chloe

Our family picture 2007

Morgan, Chloe and Callie

Chloe and Callie

By the time we moved to Portland, Callie was a very good dog. She was worried sick as we started taking everything out of the house and loading it into the moving truck. Apartment life for 3 weeks was as awful for her as it was for all of us, but once we got to our house in Oregon and she had room to roam, she was a happy happy dog. She still loved to run out the door and got excited when people came over, but she would always come back. She loved our many trips to the coast to play in the ocean, drink the salty water, chase the waves and lounge in the sand. She loved our waterfall hikes and adventures, but mostly, I think she loved the landing of our staircase where the giant two story bay window was filled with sunshine on the non-cloudy days. I often found her curled up there soaking it all up.

Chloe, Brynn, Seth and Callie on the Oregon coast

We made her nervous when we packed up our world again, but Arizona proved to be a happy place for Callie. She explored the cacti at first...realized that wasn't a great idea, and avoided them in the future. She chased lots of lizards, and birds and even caught a pack rat for us. But her favorite thing was swimming. That dog love love loved to swim. She also loved to lifeguard and would always bark if she was worried that something the kids were doing in the water wasn't safe. It was kind of annoying, but also sweet and endearing. She pulled her weight though, and made sure to swim around and gather up all the toys when we finished swimming, so they weren't left in the water. This didn't go so well with the blow up toys...

Callie and Lincoln October 2014

But the thing I didn't really consciously realize was how much she was mothering my babies. In the days after she was gone, I noticed such a void. It wasn't just that she wasn't there sitting in the patch of sunshine, or that her tail wasn't wagging when I came in the room, or even that she wasn't there to greet me when I'd get home from errands...though I miss those things terribly. I was surprised when I noticed that I was so much more exhausted, and Ellie and the babies seemed like so much more work than normal. I noticed that in the morning when I brought the babies in my room like I always do, they were getting on the bed, climbing all over me and pulling my hair and driving me crazy...she used to be the one who did first-thing-in-the-morning play duty. I noticed that they wanted me to come and follow them around because Callie wasn't there to play chase with in circles around the house. I noticed that when I took them in another room to divert their attention while I got dinner finished or swept the floor, they just came right back in crying because Callie wasn't there to wear off some of their energy playing catch or lick or chase. I noticed that despite my best efforts and multiple times sweeping each day, the high chair corner was disgusting, and the rest of the floor wasn't much better. I noticed that I was on high alert when the kids would go play out in the backyard because my nanny-dog wasn't there to make sure they were safe or alert me if there was danger. I didn't realize how much I counted on her to make our household run.

Callie and Lincoln - October 2014

Chloe checking on Callie first thing in the
morning when she was sick. So glad she spent
time petting her and telling her she loved her.

The kids were all heartbroken over the loss. They knew there was a chance she would die when they left for school that morning because she was so sick, and we had talked about it. They had mentioned that at least she had gotten to have a really happy life with us and that we had gotten to have a really

Callie's Funeral

happy life with her. But when we made the decision to euthanize, the vet advised us not to wait because she was so miserable that each hour was like an eternity for her. So I went by myself while Seth was working, kids were at school and a friend was sitting with the babies while they were napping. I had the horrible responsibility of telling them about it in the short minutes after they got home from school and before the kids started arriving for dance. Chloe was the first to break down. She tried to be strong, but I could see it in her face that she was holding back the tears and as soon as I told her it was ok to be sad, she sobbed on my shoulder. The other kids seemed to be very sad, but ok when I told them, but after dance and dinner when we had our little funeral for her, I saw Morgan with tears streaming down his face watching us finish putting the dirt on her grave. I went to hug him and Brynn came over to join in the sobbing. Chloe joined us too, and we all cried. Poor little Brynn feels things so deeply, that she couldn't stop crying to go to sleep until very late. We looked at pictures of Callie in the scrapbooks and on my computer, and remembered all the wonderful things about her, which was fun to laugh and remember, but our hearts were still heavy and the tears came and went for days. Sometimes they still come in waves. Ellie has struggled to really process it. She still tells everyone she sees, "Our Callie dog died" or "We had to bury our Callie dog because she died." We found some digging by Callie's grave and are sure it was Ellie. The other morning she prayed that Callie would get better and we had to explain to her that Callie can't get better. I can't decide whether it hurts more to experience my own grief from losing her after 10.5 years of having her in my life or watching my kids experience the grief of losing the friend that has been a part of their whole lives. Either way, this is definitely the worst part of loving a dog.



We all feel a hole in our hearts that she used to fill. It aches each time the kids walk in the door from school and look around for Callie before they realize she isn't there to greet them at the door. It aches each time I lay down in my bed and see an empty spot on the floor by our bed where she used to sleep. It aches when the babies wake up in the morning saying, "Dog, dog" and looking for their friend. It aches when someone knocks on my door and there isn't any barking or sounds of pawprints running to greet them. It aches each time Seth walks in the door from work and I didn't realize he had pulled in the driveway because nobody alerted me. It aches when I do the dishes and have to wash crusted food off of them before they go in the dishwasher because Callie wasn't there to pre-wash them. It aches when Seth comes into our bedroom each night and he isn't followed by a four-legged shadow. It aches when we go out for a walk as a family, and there is no discussion of who gets to
hold the leash. It aches when I see the empty gray chair in the corner that she always claimed. Most of all it aches when we see little spots of sunshine throughout our house unclaimed.

So to you, our little sunshine pup, farewell! Thanks for teaching us to seek the sunshine, to live vibrantly, to love even when that love is undeserved, to serve willingly and indiscreetly, and to greet the world with excitement! We look forward to the day when you greet us with that excitement in heaven...thanks for letting us be your family.