不说

说了又不听
听了又不懂
不懂又不问
问了又不做
做了又做错
错了又不忍
忍了又不服
不服又不说

so applicable to a few people i know. so very applicable.

disllusioned.

monday calvin passed away in the morning. that was the first thing i heard when i stepped into the office. i may not have known him well. we probably exchanged less than 20 words in all the time we saw each other. but his passing hits home. it doesn't hurt as bad because we were all mentally prepared. from the time he was first treated, we all knew deep down that it was a losing battle but a battle nonetheless. call me cruel, call me heartless but perhaps it was best that he left us. rather than live on and have numerous problems. at the end of it all, a certain few lose sight of what national service is all about. what it hopes to achieve and how we young men, play our part.

i'll admit that i lost sight after getting injured. i lost faith in the system after seeing somethings and looking at how some people work. but i've said it many times over, the system works, the people in it are the ones at fault. 2 bars on your shoulder doesn't mean you're the best out there. 3 stripes on your sleeve doesn't mean you're one notch above those whose rank are lower.

i've lived my life in NS thus far being one who wants to affect change in the people around me. touching their lives as much as they touch mine. mutually benefitting. incidents like these only make us stronger people, more so those of us who were there, those of us who were fortunate enough to survive. yes, we may have had numerous injuries, some more severe than others but recover we will - we will continue to live our lives with this incident in our minds but what about calvin and the other 2 who passed away? they will never get to experience life as we know it, never get to wake up the next day to see the sunrise on a brand new day. and we. we as people who lead good lives, wake up everyday, cursing and swearing at what we do not have, not appreciating what we already have. have we lost the ability to be thankful for what we have? to be grateful for all that is around us? certainly not me. especially not after what happened that friday. not when 50 meters was all that stood between living and dying.

here's a story that one officer shared with me. i'll post up the full story once i get whole of it. but here's the summary.

a certain pilot once flew in the vietnam war. he eventually got shot down and ejected safely, only to be caught and taken as a prisoner of war by the north vietnamese.
when the war ended, he was released and returned back to the united states. many years later, while having dinner with his wife at a diner, a man, as old as he was, walked up to him and said, "hey! you served on-board the kitty hawk (an aircraft carrier)! you survived the shoot-down over vietnam back in 1969!"
to which the pilot replied, "yes! how do you know?"
"well, i packed the parachute for your ejector seat."
"i guess it worked then. thank you." the man smiled and walked off.
and for the next few days, he kept tossing and turning in bed, unable to put a name in the face he saw. all he could recall was the sight of a few ensigns packing parachutes in the huge aircraft bay and preparing the planes for flight.

30 years on as a motivational speaker, he asks everyone, everytime, "who is packing your parachute?"

i guess the answer to that is really up to you. but what i do know is that we need more than one. one each for our physical well-being, our emotional state. physical and emotional protection. we all need it. the question we ask then, is, "do we have one? and who has packed ours?"

food for thought? maybe. the saving grace is in the knowledge that i know who my parachute-packers are. and for that, i thank the 4 of them. perhaps one day i'll list their names, perhaps not.

marvin gaye - what's going on

Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today - Ya

Father, father
We don't need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today

Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me, so you can see
Oh, what's going on
What's going on
Ya, what's going on
Ah, what's going on

In the mean time
Right on, baby
Right on
Right on

Father, father, everybody thinks we're wrong
Oh, but who are they to judge us
Simply because our hair is long
Oh, you know we've got to find a way
To bring some understanding here today
Oh

Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me
So you can see
What's going on
Ya, what's going on
Tell me what's going on
I'll tell you what's going on - Uh
Right on baby
Right on baby

milestones.

wednesday one step at a time. we live our lives one step at a time. the milestones we reach, surpass and forget are all part of growing up. so as i approach, one where i have to decide which path is it i want to take in the future, that of an IT-related one, or one where i'll most probably end up doing research and analysis? whatever it is, the options are between two of the top 10 unis in australia. and like shaun, i'm torn between both, unsure as to which is the one that suits me. so now, i've got till end of the year to weight the pros and cons. opinions are welcomed but do not tell me to apply to a local uni. i'm sick and tired of the system here.

home.

monday 2 more weeks. can't wait. the friends. the food (!). the language. the parties. even if it's for 5 days. it's better than nothing. i need the break. nothing beats home.

counselling and consoling.

wednesday he feels he's gotten over the emotional trauma. the physical wounds hurt. but they heal in time. they always do don't they? he prays every night for the person he knows in ICU, prays for everyone affected by what happened. he offers counsel and consoles others. but how he deals with it is another story. it takes effort, a gargantuan effort to suppress the anger, the sadness, to accept that what has happened is part of life - to move on. he goes back to work as usual. wears a smile on his face. covers his bandages with his shirt. gets on with life as normal. but deep down. deep down lies the scars that will never be healed. it is with God's grace that he survived, that his friends made it. but the finality of it all still remains the same. 2 fellow soldiers lost their lives, 2 more are fighting for theirs. he feels the deaths were unfair. that NSFs aren't supposed to die. not when they're in NS anyway. not when they are merely serving out 2 years of mandatory service. not this way - not at all even. but facts of life are such. he accepts them, learns from them, moves on and forever remembers that very day. the day the meaning of life changed.

50 meters.

sunday 50 meters. you stare death in the face and get away with it. just because you're 50 meters away. the sad thing about all this is that all of us affected, the dead, the wounded, we're all NSFs. NSFs serving the nation. 50 meters... you will be forever haunted by the sight, the smell, and then you wake up in sweat hoping it was all a nightmare. but the bandages on your right arm, the pain, the physical and emotional scars. they all remind you that it is all true. all too real. 50 bloody meters.

weird.

sunday weekend's been pretty quiet. went shopping yesterday for groceries and some other stuff that i was looking for. in any case, watching spiderman 3 was the highlight of the week.

anyway, was at eslite bookstore to look at some cds, cards and books. the whole place is huge. and i mean huge. think 9 stories of kinokuniya back in singapore. it is that huge. so yeah. was browsing through the music sections, looking for the cds that my mum wanted. and when i did find it and went to pay for it, the cashier gave me a weird look. for starters, the cashier was a guy and the cds that i was paying for were that of a certain F4 member. so you can understand why now. but i still feel a bit put off by this sort of glances and looks from guys who cannot appreciate the opposite gender.

so yeah. for a very quiet weekend, today's been noisy in the sense that i've planted my butt down in front of the home theater system and watch dvds all day. right now v for vendetta is playing and i must say, i've never gotten bored of the show no matter how many times i've watched it. the subtle messages that you can pick up, the very fact that we can relate in one way or another to the characters of the show. all in all, it's a damn good show.

how many times have we felt that we were under some form of oppression, that what may seem as usual, monotonous and common, is in fact, very questionable. how many times have we felt that the very system in place is a farce? that the system in some, or even many ways is flawed? don't get me wrong. i'm fine with the system. i don't want to question how it's run because quite simply, why should an efficient and clean system be changed when there's nothing wrong with it? have we thought about it? that it is actually the people within the system that are flawed: personal agendas, differing opinions and school of thought.

food for thought perhaps? then again, if thinking about how the world affects your life is not your cup of tea, it's all fine. there will come a day whether you like it or not, you will wonder how,why, when and where things can affect you in more ways than one.

have a good week. mine's shaping up nicely for now.

politickings.

saturday morning for someone who's going to take politics and international relations, i hate getting involved in politics. i'm the kind of guy that doesn't care if i offend people with regards to work. as long as we get the job in hand done. and as long as it's done well.

for that same reason, i was the "bad" guy to many in ngee ann floorball. making the unpopular decisions but knowing that they were the right ones. sure, it affected my playing, my form and ultimately my place on the "elite" powerplay line. but i left behind a team that had the resources and the people to win tournaments, to be able to improve and progress as a team. it was bitterly disappointing when the succeeding committee threw it all away. so much for foresight.

i've always believed in balancing what's the right decision and what's the popular decision. there's hardly any decision that's right and at the same time popular. so here i am. stuck in the middle of a brewing "political conflict" in the office. on one hand, i've got someone who feels he's being picked on. on the other, i've got someone who feels that he's just showing negative attributes and showing undesirable attitude.

it's difficult playing the mediator in this. it's not like school days where we all feel angry for a while and that's the end of it. i guess as we grow older, we're more susceptible to holding grudges and remembering negative events. in any case, i'm staying out of this one. i rather keep a low profile here. i've said so many times before, i rather be out in the field where politics are kept to a minimum. where everyone is focused on getting the mission completed. differences and arguments are solved there and then. in the office, it just snowballs and goes on and on. it's tiring keeping track with who's angry with who and for what. it's tiring hearing all their ramblings about what this person did last time to piss him/her off. you get my point.

anyway, here's a shout out to the following people.

manthu/sam/bitch/"jie jie". my wonderful, loving (cough) sister. congratulations on reaching the end of your 16-year-long academic career! always bear in mind that school days were the best we'll ever have, that that's all behind you now. all the best with your new career - in the working world. i'm sure i don't have to say what a difference it all makes now. keep the faith and question not what's written but know that faith alone can get us through even the toughest of tests. i'm a testament to it (think O levels for me!). enjoy your hong kong trip. i'll see you here in a week and don't forget my pop tarts!

weiling. and you have finally graduated! i must say that it was a good thing we've kept in contact. after what? 8 long years. thank you for looking after this boy here back when he was in sec 2 and 3. attending all those workshops/camps in ngee ann. who'd be foolish enough to learn C++, AND gate, NOR gate and all that rubbish at that age? and who else who would have their middle finger all wrapped up with 12 stitches? heh. all the best with deciding which job is it you want. i'm sure you'll make the right decision once you've thought things through.

jo. i know it's difficult. you know it too. but whatever happens, like you said. perhaps it's God's way of saying that it's not to be? time will tell. hang in there. pray about it. i'm sure in due time you'll find out why things happened the way it did. like the song title: someday we'll know. for now, ben & jerry's should be enough of a distraction. happy people co. remember?

zhao. accounts and finance issues are a real bother aren't they? haha. you'll do fine so don't you worry. unfortunately the projects we do in school are in some ways controlled. in the sense that we'll all achieve a predictable set of results from which our tutors and professors can grade us. in the real world, it's all open-ended. if you need help with computing issues you know how to reach me, i'll be more than happy to help (provided i can remember what i've learnt though. hah!). prata, milo dinosaur and endless (or aimless) driving around bedok MUST be fulfilled this year! for now, good luck with your internship and do take care, you're falling sick all too often.

shuren. 9 june.. the day you receive your black bar, remember not the tough times you went through. remember not what you missed out on in signals. being a combat engineer officer isn't all that bad if you look at it from a different perspective. even more so since you're going to be an instructor. remember this though, that black bar means more responsibilities, more things to answer for. do it safe, do it well. you'll make a fine officer. that i'm very sure. (want to swap? haha! intel spec not exactly very fun also)

ivan. yes. we all lose believe in the system that put us where we are now. we question ourselves. but the oath we took on 8 june 2006. it means so much more than just words coming from our mouths. whether or not you're a citizen or pr, no one's a second-class member of this society and country. in this country you'll truly find home: friends, family, a safe country in which to live and thrive in. and in retrospect. it doesn't matter that we're not officers in rank. all that matters is we prove our worth even as CPLs, 3SGs and even LCPs. we both know that we're better than a lot of them in OCS and SISPEC. no one can take that away from us.

zak. national service beckons. it's good that you're all gung ho about it. but whatever it is, enlist in one piece, ORD in one piece. don't end up like yours truly here, nursing injuries that are potentially life-long ones. i'm sure you'll do fine. focus and push yourself. you'll amaze yourself with how much you can achieve just by putting in that little bit more effort.

to everyone else mugging for exams, slaving through the night to submit essays or researching your thesis, good luck and all the best. i'm sure you're all putting in maximum effort but please do not neglect getting a good night's rest, taking plenty of water and eating well. damn. i sound naggy. with that, have a good weekend everybody.

comparisons.

wednesday food. people. lifestyle. there are many factors that affect us when we live in another country, more so if it's for an extended period of time. but those are the three that i feel affect us most so here's a little comparison between singapore and taiwan. in my opinion of course.

• food.

it's been said that singapore's favorite past-time is eating. we've got a diverse range of cuisines to choose from wherever we go: indian, malay, thai, peranakan, turkish, mexican etc. you name it, we most probably have got it somewhere on our sun-shiny island. everywhere we go there are different kinds of food to choose from and the many different tastes with which we can satisfy ourselves. in short, it's a gastronomic journey of near epic-proportions when exploring the many food options in singapore. but you do have to know where to look though. there are many quaint places hidden among alleys, lesser-known roads and way out places that we hardly hear of until someone mentions them to us.

taiwan, being a chinese-speaking country and with a very strong chinese heritage, it is no surprise then that all the food here revolves around chinese cuisine. the only difference is from which dialect group the food comes from. if you're around long enough, you would have been able to try the different foods from the street-stalls, restaurants and the famous night markets. unfortunately for me, this country doesn't believe in chilli a lot. their idea of spicy is adding chilli padi or chilli oil to just about everything (which doesn't go well with the food most of the time) or giving you pepper mixed with salt.

and this might be a surprise to most of you. food here is in fact more expensive than singapore. take for example a typical lunch: rice with three side dishes a drink. total cost - NT$95. that's about S$4.50. it looks cheaper as compared to our equivalent of an average S$5-6. but take into consideration that the portions are not a lot and you almost always end up buying other stuff to eat to make up for it, thereby spending more than NT$95.

being a non-adventurous person when it comes to food, i've chosen many times to stick to the "safe" choice when it comes to meal times. i've surprised myself with the amount of vegetable and fruits that i've been eating too. but all in all, nothing beats singapore food. sure, i have my favorites here like guo tie (grilled and oversized wantons) and their beef fried rice. but nothing comes close to my szechuan diced chicken, black bean sauce kuay teow and sambal kangkong.

• people.

we're all chinese. we look the same. we speak the same language. we eat the same foods but in the end, we all sound different. everywhere you go, it's pretty obvious you're not a local the moment you open your mouth to speak. they will almost always guess that you're from singapore, malaysia or hong kong. but that's not important to me. what gets on my nerves are the traits that the taiwanese display which i find irritating at best:

1. they are mostly ignorant and self-centered
2. they pay attention to customer service but not their own personal manners/habits/hygiene
3. they live in a world faster than they believe
4. they can create a scene and commotion (and make national news) out of the slightest things like a cat stuck on a tree or a man pleading to be let off scot free for smuggling airguns
5. they let their political loyalties guide them instead of common sense

true, singapore has its fair share of irritants but in my opinion, it is not as prevailing a problem as it is here. their ignorance and self-centered mentality serves only to deter them from progressing as a nation, at least in terms of boosting their popularity and world standing as a "sovereign country". we've read in the news recently how taiwan rejected the proposal that the olympic torch be carried through taipei en route to the the olympics in beijing. blame the government or whoever you want but the decision-makers are unfortunately, short-sighted in some respects. their bid to join the world health organisation and united nations will most definitely not receive a boost in support, but on the contrary, may even cause others to object.

the most crucial of the 5 points i mentioned perhaps, is the last one. it is a good thing that their political parties are strong, constantly at each others' necks to get the best out of any given situation for the "greater good". what's scary though, is that people can blindly follow a certain political party or politician that they'll even quit their high-paying jobs just because of political differences. and i must add this, you can hardly find a news channel that is not politically affiliated.

despite all the idiosyncrasies that singaporeans may have, perhaps it is of biased opinions that lead me to say that nothing compares to home. even kiasu-ism is a sorely missed trait here but then again, it's not necessarily a good one. i guess it's a matter of getting used to.

• lifestyle.

much has been said about taiwan's lifestyle, the night life and all in magazines and travel programs. but words and pictures can only show us so much. we need to be there to experience it for ourselves first hand.

in many ways, there really is little difference when compared to singapore. for one, the cost of living is equally high, the people are an educated lot (at least the younger generation) and of course only applies when compared to the cities, not the villages and suburbs. the most distinct difference perhaps, is the lack of any multi-racial, multi-lingual and multi-cultural society. sure, there are foreigners living and working here but this place is not suitable yet, for foreigners and people of other races.

people always talk about how the shopping here is better than singapore. well, in certain ways it is. there's definitely a wider-range of products to choose from, more brands that are unheard of (to me at least) and a diverse and unique range of designs. one has to know that most influences come from the states and japan, hence the jap-look that many youngsters tend to have. the sad thing is, many can't pull off the look yet they insist on looking that way. it's to the point that it can be impractical: girls wearing mini-skirts and tights during winter, guys wearing a thick jacket in 37deg weather. what people give just to look good. of course it's a common problem everywhere, singapore included. but taiwanese teenagers and youngsters take it to a different level.

and if you've managed to read to this end. you're really a patient person. either that you're pretty bored. for most parts i don't know what i'm talking about. hah! it's what happens when you're tired out after a long day and a tiring two weeks ahead. cheers!

misread. misunderstood. but no misgivings.

tuesday morning well. things got sorted out. i'm sorry to both of them that things came to this. but it was better now than later. in all honesty, i saw this coming way back in january. he and i even talked about it when we went on runs and when we were just hanging out.

sure. it'll be hard to accept the facts as they are right now but strangely enough, it all feels good in a way. it's a weight of my shoulders and at least i've got less to worry about now. it's a liberating feeling. having said that, there are still somethings that i've chosen not to accept. but fine. what's happened has happened and we have to get a move on.

that aside. for the record. i do love her still even though she finds it hard to believe. but it's not like how i felt last time. things have changed. the situation and circumstances are all different. thank God she's still a friend. but she'll always be that little bit more than a friend. i've made peace with myself (ok. i can't think of a better word than peace. so let's make do for now) that things would never work out. and it's no point hoping and pinning them on the future.

i'll miss the text messages. the fun msn messages. everything. but in some ways, this being a new beginning, there are new things to look forward to. hopefully nothing of this sort today, will have to happen again.

as for him. well. that many years of friendship. let's just say it stood the test of time and it withstood this. hopefully there won't be anymore but knowing how life is. it's hardly a given.