spoilt for choice.

tuesday evening

University of Melbourne
University of New South Wales
University of Queensland
University of Southern California
New York University
Carnegie Mellon University
King's College of London
University of Manchester

decisions decisions. i miss the good days of just closing my eyes and making a random choice. repercussions are huge this time round, with a direct influence on my future. too old too fast? hah.

and so it begins...

friday evening well. it's started. one left last night, another's leaving tonight and i'll be gone in a little under two weeks. i can't say that i'm unaffected because i am. never has seeing my friends leave been so difficult. i've seen many come and go but this. this time it's all different. 4 people. 4 different lifestyles. 4 different characters. 2 months of pure fun.

i admit that i never thought things would turn out this way. that if it wasn't for a simple invitation to a church dinner, none of this would have happened. looking back a bit more, if it wasn't for basketball and badminton in ngee ann 3 years ago, well, not even the dinner would have happened.

so much has changed since then. i'm a mix of emotions now. sadness that we're all parting ways. a tinge of frustration because like the saying goes, all good things come to an end. happy for the things that have happened. put it all together and i doubt there's even a term for it.

anyway. yesterday was great. as usual. i'll skip to the afternoon where i met yeni and walked her home. waited for julian to come before we headed to town, more specifically coach at taka and then bakerzinn at paragon. had a game of pool with the left-handers winning one solitary game out of 5 i think. hah. then came the highlight: chocolate buffet at fullerton. man. i shall skip the details because i'm too tired and lazy to type it all but outstanding and fatastic are understatements. went to the airport after that where the first of the farewells were said. and off he went. man pride. hah.

i guess today's different. won't be going to the airport to send of lini, not so much because of the weird timing but more so because it'll be awkward (i think) for us all. had my upper left wisdom tooth extracted before getting an influenza jab. headed to their place again to help lini with her luggage (you owe me big time!). kinda fell asleep after that. before i realised i had to head home. funnily enough i think i'd shed a tear or two for lini and yeni but not julian. haha! let's see why. man pride! that's why.

i'm so not looking forward to 7th of march at this moment. too many goodbyes especially since it'll be my first time away from home for so long because of work and not because i'm going on a holiday..

anyway, flight details as follows:

7 Mar 07 (wed)
CI 662, Terminal 1
ETD Changi Airport 1455hrs
ETA CKS 1930hrs



sigh.

taps.

monday morning

Fading light dims the sight,
And a star gems the sky, gleaming bright.
From afar drawing nigh -- Falls the night.

Day is done, gone the sun,
From the lake, from the hills, from the sky;
All is well, safely rest, God is nigh.

Then good night, peaceful night,
Till the light of the dawn shineth bright;
God is near, do not fear -- Friend, good night.
Fading light dims the sight,
And a star gems the sky, gleaming bright.
From afar drawing nigh, falls the night.

Day is done, gone the sun,
From the lake, from the hills, from the sky;
All is well, safely rest, God is nigh.

Then good night, peaceful night,
Till the light of the dawn shineth bright;
God is near, do not fear , friend, good night.


---

classic ain't it?

chinese new year

sunday morning first off, a very happy Chinese New Year to all! hope everyone ate loads of good food for your reunion lunch/dinner/supper. haha. i'm sure i did. pity i couldn't enjoy it as much as i would love to. apparently my dentist didn't fully explain how bad the ulcers on the tongue would be after removing my wisdom tooth. i counted at least 19 small ones all over the side and tip of my tongue with another 4 huge "main" ones. basically i can forget about eating anything. i think i'll just survive on porridge and mashed potatoes for the next couple of days.

anyway, if anyone wishes to catch ghost rider, go ahead. it isn't as bad as the reviews make it out to be but it's not that spectacular either. short of being a movie critic, the effects are pretty good but let's just say the way the bad guys die, could have been (or should have?) less predictable and corny. heh.

have a pretty quiet CNY this year. all the visits will be done wholesale on monday when all my relatives are gathered at uncle lawrence's place. in any case, if my ulcers and bad throat are not significantly better by then, i think i'll just stay home and rest. got lots to look forward to on wednesday and especially thursday. for now, it's just a lot of mumblings from me. can't talk properly for nuts now. pfft.

v-day, v-day +1

friday morning valentine's went pretty well. i think it was great actually. haha. thanks to a certain somebody called lini who made things pretty interesting. well anyway, met up with julian before heading to yeni/lini's house to make a delivery run before he left for work. lini's mum brought us to this japanese restaurant along bt timah for lunch. man. the place. posh. the food. excellent. and oh, it's a 'reservations only' place. so you can imagine.

was off to this costume shop along arab street/beach road after that. her mum wanted to find something for her dinner and dance function. so while helping to choose stuff, lini and i decided to get into the act too. had funny pictures taken and all. interesting place. really.

did my shopping after that at taka. bought 2 business shirts from g2000 before heading to heeren to look at some other stuff. ended up trying t-shirts with her. batman. what the hell man. that looked weird. wanted to get a felix the cat one (childhood memories!) but ended up with a mr happy one. costs the same so doesn't really matter. i just know i spent a shit load the past 3 days. basically i had loads of fun with lini. regret not being able to hang out with her more often though.

so anyway, today was my last day in office. didn't expect that i'd actually feel upset. the rest of the guys were visibly upset but well. we all do what we need to especially when it comes to serving the nation. when i'm back next april, i doubt many of them will be around anymore so i guess next week's the only chance to catch up with as many of them as possible before i fly. gonna miss people like bertrand, nicholas, timothy, leng seng, radzif among others. left for home at 2pm. i'll have to go back next week though, if only to get my clearance forms signed, to clear my duffel bag and to remove my upper left wisdom tooth so maybe there's still a chance i'll be able to meet up with them.

went out with lini and julian in the evening to catch 'epic movie'. was a spoof about loads of shows and well, it was stupidly hilarious. had dinner of sorts at mos burger before heading to coffee club for dessert. so that's it. 2 days gone in a flash, 2 days spent with people who matter. sadly one's missing from the quartet. but there'll be other times. time's really passing pretty quickly. hmmms..

tired.

thursday afternoon well. there comes a time in our lives when we really think to ourselves what our lives are all about. we ask ourselves if we really know who we are. then comes the hardest part. how we face up to our shortcomings, admitting them and then trying to change ourselves.

i say this having gone through it a few times the past 21 years of my life. it's been upsetting, no doubt about it yet the satisfying feeling at the end of it all far outweighs the hurt that i felt. pride? hah. isn't that such an overrated thing?

i honestly don't know how this entry is going to pan out. i'm feeling a whole lot of feelings now. anger, sadness, a sense of disappointment and well, to a certain extent a bit of self-induced depression. i wallow in self-thought and pity, thinking about things that could have, should have. the what-ifs. the fact that in a metaphorical way i was kicked in the gut when i was down and out. one blow after another. all in the span of 4 months. nothing seems to be going right, not even now. everytime i try to pick myself up something kicks me back down. i can't live this way anymore. perhaps that's why i feel taiwan would be a good chance to rediscover what i've lost in myself: confidence. happiness. optimism.

i'm tired of being cynical and pessimistic. tired of having to bash myself everytime i think about certain things. tired of being the one on the losing end. tired of having to fight against near-impossible odds. i'm just sick and tired of everything.

i hate holding on to false hopes. tired of cliche answers and reasons. tired of having to chase a dream that will never happen. tired of having to be the loser in the game of love. tired of being the nice guy that almost always ends up as 'the brother i never had'. i plain hate it. dare i say it, i'm sick and tired and almost nearing the point where i hate living my life. hate living this life of mine.

life's never fair and in retrospect. i've always been going against the odds. from studies to sports. from my social life to my professional one. me. the one fighting against odds to get to where i want. to get what i want. to always have to prove to people what i'm all about, what i'm capable of.


Human Nature - Cruel

You can say love's forever
And find it never stays
In you I've recovered
The one thing that must remain
I'm tired of a world undone
I've figured out you're my setting sun
It's cruel
The way I'm needing you
I guess I'll play the fool
It's my heart, not my mind and it's taking over
Cruel
Suddenly it's true
No longer can I choose
It's in you I'm defined and there is no other
Oh it's Cruel
Oh it's Cruel

I can hold back emotions
Get lost in a maze
But this urgency tells me
I just can't refrain
Dreams have come and passed me by
But now it's time to redefine (yeah)
It's cruel
The way I'm needing you
I guess I'll play the fool
It's my heart, not my mind and it's taking over
Cruel
Suddenly it's true
No longer can I choose
It's in you I'm defined and there is no other

I've seen it come and go so many times
But this is critical, the truth
I can't hide
(Can't hide)
And I don't know why

(And I don't know why, I don't know why)
Yeah, oh yeah
(So cruel)
So cruel, oh
It's cruel the way I'm loving you, oh yeah
(So cruel)
Cruel the way I'm loving you

It's cruel
The way I'm needing you
I guess I'll play the fool
(It's cruel the way I'm loving you)
(Baby now I know it's true)
It's my heart, not my mind and it's taking over
Cruel
Suddenly it's true
No longer can I choose
It's in you I'm defined and there is no other

half the wisdom missing.

monday lesson learnt: never trust service medics or dental officers while in the army. they don't know squat sometimes.

case in point:
dental officer (the one at the counter): "oh, nothing much, only do x-ray. don't have to remove anything".

20 minutes later, dentist: "according to directive, since you're going to be posted for 1 year or more, we have to remove your wisdom tooth"

me: "what the hell?"

well. whatever needs to be done. hah. so i got my top right wisdom tooth removed today, the left will be done next week. and to think just a few days ago i was laughing at julian's plight. hahaha. oh well. what goes around comes around. damn it.

anyway, didn't have a good start to my day. was very frustrated with a medic spec when i went to the medical center to ask for my overseas ffi clearance form. the dumb sod told me he didn't know what was it nor did he really bother. his indifferent and indignant attitude pissed me off so bad i just wanted to punch him square in the face. i hate it when people talk to me as if i don't know anything. example:

medic spec: you can get the form from your chief clerk. you know who is your chief clerk? chief clerk is from S1 branch. you know where that is?

me (interrupting him): eh. i'm from S1 branch so don't act smart with me. we don't hold medical forms of any sort so if you don't know just say don't know and cut the bullshit. *note: this was all said in a very aggresive manner.

medic spec: -stares at me-

me: yeah. now you're speechless. (walked out of the medical center)

next thing i knew, a warrant officer who was in the medical center with me that time was screaming his head off at the medic spec. i was smiling to myself. i swear. that felt so good. call me short-tempered and i'll admit that i am. push me to my limits and you're asking for hell. therefore, don't push me when i'm under stress or when i'm in a foul mood. if i explode, you'll wish you never talked to me in the first place.

on a lighter note, i realized that i've got less than 5 working days left in 3 SIB. will be on embarkation leave after Chinese New Year and i'm going to clear my offs so yeah. it's all coming to an end pretty quick. james wants to have a farewell party of sorts at 'Wala Wala' before i leave so i think i'll oblige. just a matter of who to invite that's all. don't think i'll be having a formal farewell meal or whatever with anyone in particular except maybe a few special people, as in, people that matter. then again it really depends on their schedule and not mine since by then i'll be pretty free. yeap. so i'll have to wait and see.

valentine's day. a special day for many including my parents. it's their wedding anniversary and well, i guess it'll mean a lot for them. as for me. hah. i'll be nursing my concussion and throbbing pain on the right side of my head (literally) and then off to meet lini in the afternoon. nothing much to it except lunch and shopping. but don't read anything into it. it's just nothing. just friends hanging out. so yup, that's my disclaimer for tomorrow. like i said. it's the first time in 4 years since i had to spend on someone for v-day.

v-day like all other special occasions, has been commercialized so much that it's hard to place a finger on what is it exactly that makes that day special. i'd bet that not all of us know how valentine's day came about. even i didn't. so to spare the history and all manner of boredom, it simply is a day named after 2 Christians who tried to promote love, in a well, courtly manner whatever that means (i'm cheating here, i'm paraphrasing from wikipedia). of course it's a time to express our love for each other but where has all the meaning in that gone? we have to ask ourselves then, at what cost and extent do we go to express our love? is $60 for a dozen roses really worth the money for that one day when you could have gotten the same dozen for $15 maybe? is that to say that apart from valentine's, every other day spent with each other is not special in it's own right? that all the moments together count for naught when compared to february 14? call me a cynic, pessimist or what you will, but that's what i'm all about in this post. i apologize to whoever might feel strongly against what i've written here but hey, we're all entitled to our views aren't we?

while on the subject of special occasions, the general perception is that Christmas is all about the presents, Christmas carols on "repeat" mode everywhere and the fancy lightings. people have forgotten the spiritual meaning (or are otherwise ignorant to it) and have skewed interpretations of what the Christmas spirit is all about. similarly, Chinese New Year. i, like many people, am guilty of forgetting the customs and traditions of Chinese New Year. i'll be honest and say that sometimes i take Chinese New Year as a chance to make my bank account grow and have absolutely no idea what Chinese New Year means to me. but more recently, i've begun to appreciate that it's more than just the ang baos we get. it's more of a time to bond with my family and a chance to get to know my relatives a little better each year, appreciating the small amount of time i get to spend with them. so what is valentine's day all about really? a time to show, celebrate, share and busk in the love of someone? or for some people, someones? well. i guess it really is up to the individual to decide.

so what does v-day mean to me this year? nothing really i guess. it's just another day out. out of home, out of office. nothing really matters at this point in time other than appreciating the company i'll be having tomorrow (thanks to the one and only lini. haha!). every minute counts now that i have the time and chance to meet up with people before i leave. so yup. v-day is just another passing day for me. just need to remember to wish my parents happy anniversary and have a good time tomorrow.

all banged up.

monday morning i'll be perfectly honest. i approach this coming week with a tinge of cynicism. i've become numb to the meaning of valentine's day. i've lost all interest in work simply because i'm about to head overseas and i'm really just trying to regain focus. it doesn't help that i've got a mild concussion to contend with. all pretty banged up. physically, mentally and emotionally.

3 weeks. that's all there is left. what's to come in this 3 weeks i forsee, is just meeting up with people i feel i've neglected the past 2 months. people like shuren, sangar, shaun, ivan, grace, emily, brandon, reena and maybe to a certain extent delin. the past 2 months has been a roller coaster of emotions, events and well, let's just say i feel there are more positives than negatives despite all that i wrote about in previous entries.

last week was pretty much a stale week. physio as usual was a killer though i think i've improved in terms of my strength and endurance of my right leg. feels a lot more like normal now. if there's ever such a thing as normal to begin with. went down to CPC for my interview/briefing with regards to taiwan. so that was it for NS activities. friday was one hell of a day. woke up real early and headed down to suntec to get some photos printed. think it was worth it though. julian came over at 4 to help prepare dinner. and i won a bet that the sisters would come at 7.45pm. haha. oh well. think the dinner was alright, could have been better i think. had dessert courtesy of the sisters and wine at my rooftop garden. view of the stars was great. unfortunately the breeze decided to stop that night so it wasn't as cooling as i would have wanted it to be. opened a second bottle of wine (my dad's atletico or something like that, don't know how to spell it. hah) after they left. so it was julian and my family sitting around the table just having a chat. was great.

sunday was a rest day of sorts. head was throbbing the whole day. kenn and his family came over for lunch with my dad doing the honors this time round. so it was a pretty good lunch. went out to funan to look at some games for my pc but was quite disappointed. ended up buying fifa07 for my psp. oh. looking at a new phone too. dopod d810 or the ipaq rw6800. both are pda phones and i think i'll need them for my new posting as well as uni. so yeah. a long term investment. hah.

and so. as how i started this post, i'll end it with a bit of cynicism. why's valentine's day special when everyday could be a valentine's day on it's own? what's with the jacking up of prices and such? commercialization that's why. and due to events that have panned out over the past month or so, i guess i'm going to be saving some money this time round. first time in 4 years since i "needed" to spend on someone for that "special" day. hah. someone help me get back my positive and fun outlook in life. please. i hate this cynical, pessimistic, emotional me. i HATE it. =(

Augustana - Feel Fine

I'm leaving today, so why don't you care...
I am afraid...I am afraid...tonight...
I'm running away tonight...tonight...I am..
So far away, say what you say,
I am afraid...I am afraid... tonight...
I'm running away tonight...tonight...I am..

Throwing all my calls away, you don't need me, you don't need me...
Drink at night and sleep all day, well I don't need you, I don't need you...
I drove on every interstate, but you don't need me, you don't need me...
Well anyways, ya anyways, it's over, over, over, over now...

---

i shall not say how much this song really reflects how i feel sometimes. but well. i think a fair bit of the lyrics speak for me. in any case, it's a really great song. the piano and drums come together pretty nicely.

epiphany.

friday morning decided to edit out my entry. don't want it to sound so pessimistic. so anyway. by this time next month, i'll be in taiwan. can't say that i'm really looking forward to it nor can i say that i'm not. but first things first. the past 2 months or so have been a whirlwind of events and happenings in my life. i've been blessed with great friends and the 3 that have occupied my life the past 2 months rank among the best i've had so far.

it pains me to have to tackle the challenge of taiwan knowing that the people that i always count on are in singapore or in australia. basically i'm at it by myself. i'll miss the company of shuren, sangar, shaun and ben. i'll definitely miss yeni, lini and julian. it's funny how in a span of 2 months the 4 of us have come to be close friends (i think?) and how we end up being where we are now all because of an invitation to a church dinner sometime in december last year.

who knows what the future will bring for us? lini and julian are heading back to australia. yeni will be in singapore. and much as i want to be here for her, life has other plans. she's got her own pillar of support in the form of the other guy (if he's around) and anna. well. i guess there's really nothing much else i can do. i'll dare admit though, i'll miss her a lot. the same for lini, julian, shuren and my other army buddies. one year sure is a long time. guess we'll have a reunion of sorts come december when i'm back. 5th march can't come any sooner nor can it come any later..

i don't know what to expect in taiwan but i'm determined to make the most of it. be it saving up for australia or making the best out of my situation. i don't want to let anything stand in my way of giving my best in work and play. taiwan's meant to be a fun posting that everyone wants and i'm lucky enough to get it. so there. make or break time.

i shan't talk anymore about my emotions. the past few days/weeks have been a roller coaster that i don't know what to feel anymore. i really don't. so let's just leave it as that.

leaving on a jet plane.

monday had a pretty good weekend and a pretty good start to the week. sentosa with julan, lini and yeni was great. overlooking the lull in the afternoon, i think we had a great time. had dinner at sushi-tei and dessert at white dog cafe before sending the two of them home. dropped off at bertrand's house after that for his 21st birthday.

his house is. beyond. words. it is awfully huge that i think it's almost 3 times mine. maybe even 4. damnit. 5 times even. haha! the party was great too. met up with david, james terrence, yan piao from camp. so basically we were the only army buddies at his party. was a pity that dan couldn't make it due to the on-going exercise that the brigade is involved in. had a whole bottle of johnny walker to myself, can't remember what color label it was though. only know i was pretty smashed after that. somehow it felt good. maybe alcohol really washes away your troubles. hah! slept over at david's before heading home.

sunday was pretty stale as compared to saturday but it was alright i think? went home to shower and change up for my game at tampines. had lunch at some place that i now cannot remember. but i do know that the black pepper beef was fantastic. the oyster sauce veg was great. and my 2 bowls of rice was just about right. heh. shan't talk about the game because it'll get me really worked up. headed over to julian's place in bishan to catch the last bits of the singapore-thailand game and then the man united one. 4-0. hoho. man. that was really great.

so today was the pre-check audit for our office. didn't stay around long to find out how it went. was off to cpc for an interview. seems like i'm flying off tentatively on the 7th of march. that doesn't leave a lot of time to catch up with people and get some personal admin sorted out. i guess that's what i can come to expect nowadays? hah. met up with julian's brother, kieron for lunch before the interview. went for tea with angel (my dad's ex-personal assistant) before heading home with kieron. hah. decided to rearrange my table to make more space for myself. so i ended up with more space AND a new set of speakers. aha! oh well. time to hit the sack, am pretty tired from today. not so much physical tiredness but more of a mental one. cheers!