tuesday morning i have to pick myself up and get on with life.i have to.i'm letting it affect me in more ways than one and its definitely not going to do me any good.so why not do something i've been doing all this while? love from a distance.i suppose it'll work.but hell.i'm too screwed a person to really figure out what i want in life.i've lived and loved but not received much back.God's will? perhaps.
guys did damn well today.NP 7 SP 2..need i say more? shut out hafeez real good.could see he was frustrated. was pretty good the whole day.at least till i met up with the floorball people.my day just came crashing from then on.she's ignorant.i'm ignorant.so who's to blame? she's attached.i'm wallowing in self-pity.who's to blame? me? definitely. why? because for some stupid reason i decided to wait till damned valentines day.but hey! plans don't always work out now do they? i suppose not.so hell.i've got no one to blame but myself.so what in frigging hell's wrong with God-damn me?! all i bloody ever wanted was someone to hold.someone to love and someone to fill that little something that's missing inside of me.and yet every single damn time i find someone whom i know can fill that void.something stupid has to happen.analysis: chinx.rebound.big no no for me. chinyee.chased money.dumbass bit** zhenni.flat out bro/sis relationship that couldnt be risked nor should it be risked. marilyn.i havent a clue why it cant work out.but i'll respect her conclusion nonetheless.so maybe in future i'll try again wanyi.need i say more? been going on about it for almost 2 weeks i think.
but hey! i've got church.i've got my family and friends.i've got floorball.but none helps to ease the pain that fills me everynight.songs like switchfoot's dare you to move.sounds like little challenges to me.a challange to pick myself up and move on.but with all the extra weight.i cant go far.i know it.my only source of outlet is now shut.thanks to you-know-who.i'll go trying to be happy but end up getting myself hurt more each time.turning 19 this year.i'm not wishing to lead my life this way for the rest of my life.sometime somehow somewhere i'll find that person to fill the void.now that's optimism.-sigh-.

Your soul is bound to the White Rose: The
Pure.

"I've been waiting in the dark for a long
time, shining my beacon of hope through the
shadow. If you see me, don't you hide your
eyes from me."

The White Rose is associated with purity, honor,
and chastity. It is governed by the goddess
Artemis and its sign is The Cross, or Agape.

As a White Rose, you are a person of your word.
You may have a strong moral code, but
regardless of your virtue, you always stay true
to yourself. To you, love is the most pure of
emotional forms and it's just a matter of
waiting for it to bless you. Some people may
say you are too idealistic, but it's only
because you don't want to mess things up.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

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sometimes i wonder..am i searching too hard or is it just me to seize opportunities when they come and then mess them up because of silly mistakes? i close my eyes every night and the conversation plays out in my head..3 weeks..well now's 4...really quite pissed off with myself...too idealistic? perhaps.

sunday morning saturday was pretty quiet..in the sense that i was out practically the whole day..was at mrs sim's house for brunch (though i ate kfc before i met brian and winston)..was quite surprised that the suck-up bunch of nelson joel phua and the likes didnt drop by.. but anyhows...heard the new block's up and the classes have moved across..so perhaps i'll drop by st gabs one day... went by lt's place as well..crazy girl's still screaming her head off.. =x went to j8 to meet my sis and my parents before headin to grand-uncle's place for dinner..man..curry overload.. :P~ got forced into finishing all the fish..yikes..gonna have to rush a couple of my BIS and PSP2 tutorials and practicals (respectively) once the celebrations are done..lagging behind a bit cos of floorball..ivp's gonna end soon so i should be fine.. really not in the mood to talk or even think about bgr stuff..really starting to believe nice people always suffer (and i'm not refering to myself..) -shrugs- oh what the hell.. -cynical-

friday had a pretty ok chinese new year so far..reunion dinner was quite simple but was enjoyable..grandma stayed over...been almost 2 or 3 months since i last saw her cos she was overseas..so was glad that she's now home =) on the flip side..head was in a mess about her..hah..not surprising eh? so..trainin yesterday was cool..wasnt much of a training though..played 4v4s to improve passing and dribbling...did mini-airhooks of sorts..heh..still working on my airhooks (cant match jason..my IT and flrball senior)..can do it at a 40-50% rate (aka 4 or 5 times outta 10 tries)..so i'll just keep workin on it and well..see what gives in the long run..feel quite confident about my play now...drag shots are improving..so are my wrist shots..but i seem to have lost the touch for my main expertise/specialty..slapshots..frustrated that i cant get them to go where i want them to..but i seem to be able to shoot flying/bouncing balls (60-80% accuracy).. -shrugs- guess i'm jus doin stuff to keep my mind pre-occupied.. dreamt of her last night..was one of those dreams that seemed so real..i guess since things cannot be undone..i'll either bide my time and wait and see what comes or i'll try to totally get over her and move on...but as it is now..i'll be doin the former..
the combination of the breeze.my fan and a couple of slow mp3s really makin me think alot..HAH..lets see..on the current short playlist:

busted- sleeping with the light on
blessed union of souls- light in your eyes
dishwalla- every little thing
evan & jaron- crazy for this girl
five- until the time is through
human nature- everytime you cry
lifehouse- take me away (acoustic)
nine days- if i am (acoustic)
n'sync- i drive myself crazy
n'sync- this i promise you
switchfoot- you
switchfoot- learning to breathe
the calling- wherever you will go
the moffatts- misery
gil feat. the moffatts- if you only knew
vertical horizon- best i ever had (grey sky morning)
---

self-reflection: sometimes i think i'm too nice to people ya know? i guess like what chinx said in my friendster.."go all out for his friends"..wonder if there's a limit to how far i'll go (of course i wont be doin anything immoral and illegal)..but i guess its just me? hah..oh wells =)

---
angela- hey.thnx alot yeah? helped quite abit lately listenin and givin sound advice..dont go breakin too many guys' hearts yeah? haha
marilyn- u'll remain one of my biggest mistakes ever...i guess u'll know someday..but thnx all the same for bein who u are..love it so stay the same alrite? =)
giles/sherman/jere- thnx for askin how am i and stuff..dunno what i'll do without u guys
sarah- hey.hope things will turn out fine..its quite shitty to see how things are right now especially to people like u..in all honesty i seriously think that guy's a prick the way he's treating u..would love to let him meet my floorball stick someday..heh..but u cheer up some yeah? i'll be around =) but wells..its chinese new year..so i'll be nice..for now..hahaha

wednesday morning its funny how it is..met her for lunch today at canteen 2..the feeling's just so weird..she's so near yet so far...so we just sat there ate our lunch and talked about stuff...wasnt much but enough i guess..met cedge afterward to register for the darned ICT Talentime crap...just joinin for the fun of it..so there's gonna be cedge myself cedge's friend and sherman..went for oral comm class..got best speaker today..went for tennis class and left early to catch the bus with the girls to ntu... head was in a mess in the bus..didnt know what to say or do..so just talked to vasan all the way..pretendin to be occupied and all that..so girls played at 7.15..at the end of the 1st period was 1-1..monique and joey played damn nice passes and joey finished it all with one hell of a shot..but they couldnt keep it together so we lost 2-1 to ntu.. -sigh- she had a pretty bad game..so tried to console her after the match..was damn close to bein able to hug her but decided against it..didnt seem right..or maybe i should have just hugged her? -shrugs- mistakes mistakes..been makin too many lately..oh wells..sat next to her durin dinner..didnt talk much...didnt know what to say anyways.. so yeah...am absolutely tired...shall go sleep by 1am...get my butt down to school at 8 and do my psp2 practicals before heading for class then training at 1...

monday hardly recovered.i know it.my friends know it.she's oblivious.only because she hasnt seen me since saturday.never spoke a word to her except when she called around 10 plus asking me how to get to OI for some refereeing course..guess it really isnt too obvious since my depressed/upset looks more as if i'm tired..lost my appetite to eat so i've been just drinking water and tea and what-not..cried quite abit when i spoke to sherman in church yesterday..first time in a long while since i've cried in church because of overwhelming feelings.i really don't know if i'll be ok when i see her tmr.don't even know if i should go.obligations aside.i'm goin to support the girls cos i gave my word to shaeen that i'll be there..it dawned on me early this morning..during BIS..was surfin the net and somehow ended up at sarah's blog..while i'm makin a big thing out of this..realised i'm not in that bad a situation actually..but i guess everyone has their own set of problems..-sigh-just the thought of her brings a rush of emotions..i'm forcing myself not to think about it when i'm in school but i cant hold it back for long..it'll probably be worse when i go for floorball..

lifehouse - take me away

this time what I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
this time you burn me with your eyes
you see past all the lies
you take it all away
I've seen it all
and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

I try to make my way to you
but still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
I've seen it all
and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

don't give up on me yet
don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
but don't let
me stay here alone

this time what I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
I've seen enough and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

saturday she's alrite..i'm not..been attached for 3 weeks...quote westlife's fool again.. "i should have seen it coming.should have read the signs.anyway..i guess its over".. been feelin real down since this morning when i was talkin to her..she hasnt a clue..at least so it seems..my guess is she knows but just playin stupid..then again..i think i'm the stupid one..shouldnt have planned to wait till valentine's day before tellin her.. -sigh- guess today really isnt my day..floorball wasnt really good today..was down 2-0 before fighting back to lead 4-2..then conceding 2 goals in the last period to have the game end 4-4..pretty disappointed..met huda and xiao jun..but wells..jus a couple of highlights in a very bad day..6 months.. -sigh-

friday thursday's game was fantastic..2-1 it ended in favor of NP..SMU just couldnt do anythin about the 2 goals.. am kinda disappointed by today's match though..girls vs NYP..1-0...again..it jus shows that the girls can defend damn well..but cant attack..and she's injured..thankfully not too seriously...ball hit her nose and another time on her right cheek.. -pissed off at nyp- =\ hope she's alrite -prays-

wednesday bitterly disappointed? perhaps. heartache? definitely. girls put up a great performance despite the 1-0 lost to nus...cant say the same for the guys though..lost 4-1..also to nus..i guess the consolation that np floorball can get is that we made nus work like hell.run like hell and basically made them sweat for their results..kudos to the guys for fighting to the bitter end (quite literally)..fuad's goal was simply sweet..but nevertheless..a loss is a loss.. and damnit..she got fouled like twice..bloody pissed that nothing was given for the second foul...heart really jumped =\ shaeen was just sensational..thank God for her if not the girls would have gotten a whacking.. -sigh- oh wells..looking forward to thurday's match..against nyp i think..should be a blast of a match..

tuesday morning NTU 2 NP 2.high adrenaline match..last period was simply fantastic..am absolutely proud of the way we fought to the dying seconds to eventually get the equaliser that i feel we justly deserved.NTU simply lacked respect for us in the 3rd period when they were blatantly wasting time.goals came in the 1st minute (1:44) and in the last (44:28) of the game..was really pumped up even though i wasnt playing due to a slight injury (banged my knee on the floor accidently when defending a free-hit at a training match) and was sick as well..decided not to risk myself..next match is against NUS later today..i'm worried for the girls..not so much the guys cos i know the guys' denfense is almost rock solid..but the girls.. -sigh- hope she'll be ok..and i pray shaeen has what it takes to stop the ball when it comes at her..have high hopes for NP Floorball this season..

sunday morning got my voice back..still quite low accordin to shaeen and jason..and vasan..anyhows..quite glad that jill quek (national girl's captain) came down for sat's training..guess she really thought us all what defensive offense means..heh..oh wells..at point of typing this entry..am still trying to see who's going for the oi vs nyp friendly match tmr..if no one's goin den i'll be off to church for camp de-brief..had dinner with #go.fly.a.kite people at holland village..was chau's bday dinner..heh..am terribly full man..

thursday morning am terribly sick.cant talk nor eat.have a voicebox infection.so had to have the phlgem and whatever-is-in-there sucked outta my throat..hurts like hell.on long leave now.heh.new semester just started and i've already spent $84 on 4 textbooks..hardly worth the money since the textbooks arent exactly that good.so shall go get more guidebooks from outside =\ quite worried about floorball..ivp starts on monday

thursday HAPPY NEW YEAR! :D got home only at 6.30..muahaha..aargh..tired :P