monday been very see-saw lately.dont know how i'm living my life anymore.so many things i want.so many things i want to do.been busying myself lately with church work as well as immf project.studied yesterday at changi airport with kenneth.supposed to prepare for a french presentation but as yet..havent found the discipline to do it so i just might end up skipping french class..but then i dont want to knowing that the big exam is drawing nearer so i think i'll just attend class tmr.earlier in the week mum said she wanted to pre-order the nokia n-gage for me.but i guess i'm just getting my hopes up.but even then.feel a little agitated about it.besides.pre-order stops on the 2nd of oct.and i dont see how she'll be able to pre-order the phone even if she meant it.so i'll just have to take out my frustrations somewhere else.preferbly in a constructive manner.still thinking what to buy for chin's bday.but seeing her blog.i guess i'll just buy her a cd.heh.met anne and terry in school last thurs i think.been ages since i've seen them since school started..so its comforting to know they're fine.but anyhow.birthdays galore in october.so i'll be going broke pretty fast i guess.here's a list of what i want (yes yes.it'll be quite out of reach to most people.but its what i want right?)

1. Nokia n-gage (sam my sister in nus.hint.you've got work to do)
2. Command & Conquer Generals Expansion : Zero Hour (sean.hint =P)
3. Tom Clancy's new book..something Tiger..the blue cover book
4. Steven Ambrose's Citizen Soldiers
5. West Ham United jersey
6. Juventus jersey
7. chance to go back in time and live my life again.to right the wrongs (ok.this sounds out of place.but sometimes i really just wish i could undo certain things)
8. a nice comfy dinner with all my closest friends.namely chinx.sean.dre.cedge.giles.marilyn.mel.alicia.anne.jeanne.jeremiah.brian.nicholas lim.matthew lin.christopher john.sean nai.zhenni.and one friend whom i'd grown up with in sec 1 to abt sec 3.joanne(someone whom i've not seen or heard from since my dad got posted out of maju camp in clementi.one of the best friends anyone can ever ask for)

realise this is a shitty entry.but heck.i'll make up somehow. =\

saturday slow day.ate loads and that's all to it other then buying myself a pair of shoes for floorball.cost me $80.finding it hard to concentrate on anything lately.seem to have lost focus even for playing a damn game.havent talked to marilyn in ages.geraldine doesnt seem interested in talking.so i'll just do my immf project.seems like things are getting pretty fucked up lately so i'll just take it as it comes.finding myself to be more irritable so i guess thats why i hardly talk to people.think i'm thinking too much about everything.cant clear my mind to even read a book in certain 'calmness'.seriously comtemplating going into priesthood.afterall.what harm is there to be done? i figure it makes sense to be a priest and do God's work then try to make myself a happy person.and if making people happy would cost me my own happiness.then there isnt much joy left in life to talk about.so i might as well be a priest willingly.be happy and proud that i'm one and help make this world a better place.makes sense? no? well too bad.save ur arguments.i'm in my own world now.feeling FUCKING LONELY IN THIS FUCKING LIFE.crying in silence everyday.classmate asked me on thursday."why are u so happy?".i replied "so u expect me to cry? let everyone know i'm not happy?".i didnt get a reply.point is.try as i might to make people all happy and smiling.i always seem to be doing it at my expense.either literally or otherwise.and everytime i try to make myself happy.i end up having to make damned decisions and end up hurting myself emotionally.sometimes when i hear songs like switchfoot's "You" i end up tearing and fighting back tears that sooner or later will come.everything's all just bottled inside and i fear the day when i breakdown and cry.it happened before in sec 2 or 3.and i'm very sure it'll happen again.i just hope it wouldnt be in school.one way i'm tryin to keep myself busy is with church stuff.but even now it seems like there's just no holding back the floodgates that are to come.i hate the way i'm living now.i hate being happy in school.yet knowin inside that i'm not as happy as i would truly want to.i have so many things i want to say to both marilyn and geraldine yet knowin that to say what i want to would mean certain repercussions knowin it would certainly be something i'm unable to take really hurts.everything's just eatin me from the inside.hanni asked why cant i change my msn nick to somethin happier.thing is.i cant.simply because i cant keep lying to myself.i cant go on telling myself i'm happy when i'm faced with so many things.my back against the wall and there's no way i can see that can help ease the pain.the only outlets i have are this pathetic blog that not many people give a damn about and floorball.

thursday know what? there isnt any justice in this world.for the second time in as many weeks.people who didnt deserve to pass their papers got pretty good grades.and the fool that i am.studyin day in day out.screwed up my csa paper damn badly.hopefully i'll do better for the bloody retest (having mentioned "retest".i figure there's no need to mention what i got for it.its a bloody sad grade).so anyway.my day didnt get any better.got drenched on the way to tutorial class.frigging rain was damn heavy and i had to literally jump in and out of puddles of water just to get from the bus-stop across the road to block 31.socks were damn wet and my shoes were like mini swimming pools.when class ended at 4.i decided to go home and change my shoes and socks before training today..left my stickbag and my shoebag (that ironically has no bag.used it for my extra shirt and towel) with my classmates who stayed in school to do their projects..took a cab home.and when i was getting out of the cab.i realised that my keys were in the shoebag.and right then my patience started drawing thin.went to the bus-stop to take 154 back to school cause i didnt have enough to take a cab back (its $10 per journey.aint that rich now).and when i reached the bus-stop.the bloody bus driver refused to open the damn door and instead showed me the middle finger.and right then i lost it.kicked the door and walked to the bus-stop seat..just doesnt make bloody sense to me.if there's a red light and the bus is still next to the bus-stop.why cant that old motherf-ing driver just open the door and let me in? when the next bus came.my mum called.and she took the wrath of my so-called vengence.was basically damn rude to her so she hung up.went to training straight when i got to school.did the usual stretching and running before doing shooting drills.pretty pissed off that i couldnt score.consoled myself though.kept telling myself that it was only a shooting drill.when teams were formed for the usual training matches.i ended up with 3 pros and 1 other freshman who wasnt all that bad.and so the training went on.matches were stopped when they decided to play a full match.having two big teams (aka the full complement of 25 players per team)..scored one and had 4 assists.not a bad hull for a bad day in my opinion.got injured though.twisted my knee so am now walking with a slight limp.bah.

monday last thursday was pretty good..sent geraldine home..not that i meant to anyways..met her at macdonalds at king albert park after training..took the train home..and since it was kinda late i decided to send her as far as i could afford to..and that was to bedok mrt where she took a feeder bus..and by the time we got to bedok from king albert park..it was already 11.50pm..took a cab home after that.. friday was almost the same..went for my long overdue dental check up with doctor koh after school then went straight to church after dental to help paint the antioch camp banner..but i didnt do nuts..went to sit around and watch them finish up..met chinx after that for dinner..first time i'm meeting her since last october..was pretty comforting to know that some nice guy (well..he looks nice!) is taking care of her..tried to get cedge out too..but he spent his birthday in church so wasnt much we could do to convince him..went home to sleep damn early (well..9pm is DAMN early for me)..woke up damn early on saturday..had to attend a walkathon for the president's challenge as well as to commemorate NP's 40th anniversary..paid back my senior's medical bill..the one whom i injured at the floorball carnival..cost me $30..was teased by a couple of the guys about how pathetic i was..paying for her bills yet i dont even know her name (well..now i do!) am glad that it was nothing serious..swell is still there but she should be ok in time..following the walk..went to town to meet mohd...he bought his stick and i went to change the blade of my "dominator" stick..since its an old model..the replacement blade cost me a whopping $64..so as off saturday afternoon..i had spent $50+$30+$60+$52..i hate math.so you go do it..$52 was for the concession pass and $50 for my dental..went to church after that for the family night thing in church..was narrator for the skit that antioch put up..did the prodigal son..victor's acting was absolutely hillarious and i guess everyone had a good laugh..was thankful that most of the confirmants this year recognised the effort that we antiochers put into their confirmation retreat in june..and was pretty surprised that one of them (anna to be exact) actually remembered my name...had something going on with her..but i wont say more than that simply because there is nothing worth talking about..suffice the fact that i'm treating her more of a sister than anything else..sunday was rest day for me..or so i thought..got up at 11 to go get my hair cut at jason&sally's down at serangoon gardens..wanted to go home and do some work but decided that i needed time off so i just tagged along with my parents who were helping my sister do some shopping for some party in her hostel..moday got off slowly..was pretty drowsy having slept at 6am doin some reading and tryin to clear my table..the lectures were pretty shitty today though..didnt bother paying much attention..used excel for FS today..what a waste of time in my opinion..bummed around in school from 3 till about 5-ish before heading for training..decided not to attend french today..wasnt in the mood so well.i skipped french..and thak God it was a damned good decision..had one of my best displays in floorball ever..scored 4 against the resident 'keeper who is also a national goalie..so yeah..that's something to be proud of..but NP Windwalkers started taking casualties..yu xun tripped on my stick and injured his left knee and right elbow..i got whacked in the temple and forehead by mohd's slapshot...mohd. in turn got slashed across the leg in one of the matches we played..so far only boon tat's unscathed..but i supposed that would change in time too..hah..so right now there's a bruise on my head and i think its the price (not literally) i am to pay for injuring 2 people in the space of 2 weeks..am looking forward to thursday..get to see geraldine for a short while before we head of to training at sports complex..am supposed to coach her on last week's french lesson..so yeah..nothing much to it..but something perculiar is brewing between myself and a friend's friend..we keep seeing each other..we can talk yet we dont formally know each others name..like what the hell? hah.oh wells..gotta go do my sab presentation..scribble another time.ciao

wednesday am utterly lost for words..how on earth did i fare so badly for FS?! i managed to pass.which is more of a consolation than anything else but i'm bitterly disappointed that the 2 people i coached got an A and a B...i guess i'll just have to prove that i can get myself my targeted B-/C+ in the next common tests.my head has been waging a battle within itself since this morning..tryin to sort out my thoughts.debating with myself over courses of action..as though i'm fighting some war..i see images of people in my head..some i know..most i don't..is this some sort of message from Him? i suppose it might and might not be..but i'll never know..at least not now..whilst being upset and being down..i'm quite glad that at least i have church to fall back on..a place of solitude and at least i have someone to talk to no matter what..i thank God for the many blessings but sometimes i feel He could have given more..then again..let His will be done..not mine..same goes for everything else..if she's meant to be..all well and good..if not..i don't know..priesthood maybe? cant get the lyrics of "Here Without You" out of my head..it just keeps playing back over and over..and when that happens.it affects my mood and then i'll have no interest in anything at all.. =\ i'll just have to pick myself up after this fall and carry on again.not that FS is hard to score in.its just that i'll have to get rid of all those silly mistakes that cost me alot of marks.mistakes that are so elementry in the topic itself.mistakes that people like chinx and probably even cedrych wont make.the days just dont get any better dont they? probably the only plus point for the day was sharon goh asking if i would mind being a student-tutor for java..i wouldnt mind doing it..but i'm just afraid that tutoring people..well..lets just say i wouldnt want the same thing to happen in psp1..screwing up my own grades while those i tutored actually scored better..how justified is that? tutoring is fine with me.but i cant bear to tutor those who cant be bothered to listen during lectures.those who dont do their tutorials.yet at the same time its an obligation (somehow i think i did an entry about this some time back) because i'm their classmate and module rep for csa...but i hardly see the logic in helping those who refuse to help themselves.yet if i dont do it.i'll be seen as some stuck-up bastard who refuses to help others.i really dont know if i should accept being a student-tutor or not.what a life.

caught in this world.no one to turn to.the light at the end fades.and i fade away in shades of grey

thoughts&recollections

am a little upset about marilyn's tag.i'm just at a lost for what to say.how to reply to that.and fact of the matter is.i'm still as serious as i was when i first said i liked her.but thing is.i just cant find a way to get it into her.things are pretty ok now so i guess i'll leave it as that.but there'll come a day when i'll finally have to say "alrite.enough fooling around.lets work things out"..and if things don't.i'll just keep trying..i see it in terms of soccer..sorta like how a manager chases a player for ages and then signs him..right now i'll just keep chasing..and then pray and hope that everything falls into place nicely at the end.am pretty surprised that i'm actually so focused on her despite what i said in monday's entry..for the record.geraldine's just a passing thing and i know it.nothing to dispute about that.we might get along well but so what? i get along pretty well with chinx too.so does that mean i'm interested in her? i get along well with jeanne..does that make me interested in her? similarly.i get along well with brian..so i'm gay now? point is..i know what it means to love and to be loved..and loving someone is always easier then being loved in return..hate to say this,but sometimes i feel i'm not being loved enough..it might stem from the fact that since young i've always thought my parents favoured my sister more..but i've reached the age when that doesnt bother me anymore because we're old enough to be able to block off certain emotions..and blocking out that is what i've been doing since after my N levels..this is not to say that i hate my sister..no i don't..i love my family and i'll do just about anything to protect them..yet at the same time.i feel something similar for marilyn.don't ever want something bad to happen to her..but i never know.simply because she never speaks about it..and when that happens.my mood is affected and suddenly all interest in work is lost and everything else i do has no feelings nor committment.right now i'm listening to evan & jaron's distance.how ironic this is."i cant take the distance.i cant take the miles.i cant take the time until the next time i see you smile.and i'm not ashamed that i cant take a breath without saying your name.i can brave a hurricane and still be standing tall when all the dust has settled down.but i cant take the distance"..."i still believe in feelings.but sometimes i feel too much.i make believe you're close to me.but it aint close enough.not nearly close enough"..
wanted to put up 3 Doors Down - Here Without You.but since joyce already did.i shant copy.seems like i can relate to that song alot.. "i'm here without you baby.but you're still in my lonely mind.i think about you baby.and i dream about you all the time"..the violins just have that certain effect that when i'm in this mood now.i have a feeling that i wanna cry.but i just cant bear to.my dad would say that the only person worth crying for is Jesus when he died on the cross.and that no girl is worth the tears shed.all you need is one hand to count the number of times i've cried over this in front of my family.in the pass month.twice.i dare not think back to count how many other times i've cried.the last time i cried over a girl was way back in 1999 or 2000.over chinx..and that was it.so it rarely happens.cant go to sleep now.worried among other things..for my common tests results..and of course the floorball girl to whom i inflicted an injury that i'm sure i'll duely pay the price for it.quite literally..seems like quite a few of my friends are getting injured including myself.wonder what God has installed for me.was told on saturday that i might be made the next TL for antioch in church.i mean i hope i get it yet at the same time i don't want to.i don't know.i find myself being drawn deeper into church activities having been placed in the parish youth council and now admin of antioch instead of heading logistics.which was what i used to do.and seems like its exactly the same path as giles took before he became TL.head of logistics.admin.pyc. -shrugs- if i'm called to do it.i'll do it.i guess i'll have to give everything my best shot..don't think i'm doing enough for church as well as going after her.i don't know.i seem to be using school as an excuse alot nowadays.have yet to do my second draft for the talk that i'm supposed to give for antioch's end-of-year camp.something i hope chinx would be able to attend since she's sorta interested in catholism/christianity on a whole.and if she comes.i'll find a way to drag cedge along.even if it means paying for the camp for him.heh.but all this leaves to be seen.circumstances change.and like what i said before.i cant predict stuff.if i could.i wouldnt be in school excercising my brains

tuesday WAA cancelled.wasted my time at CATS.had a lil' fun at SAB.spent the last of my $5 plus for lunch.am in no bloody mood to talk about anything else.have a feeling i'll just end up FUCKING SINGLE for life so i might as well do some good while at it and be a priest.and aim to be Bishop.hah.fuckit.fuckit all

monday hm.body aches a little from floorball carnival over at jurong sports complex..got beaten in the semis by some shit-named team.."moocows"..like what the hell..anyway..am quite proud of how far my team (NP Windwalkers..now thats a not so shitty name) got in the competition..out of the 10+ teams that ngee ann sent (includin the girls team)..we're probably the 2nd best team..at least for this tourney..the other team to get as far as we did was NP Amigoes..headed by the "all-star" NP seniors..they played a fast and hard-hitting game..compared to my team's fast and defensive game..was pretty upset prior to the quarterfinal game..coz durin the warm-ups..i practiced doin a one-time shot and it was wide and over..and it went just above the barricade and hit one of the NP girls in the eye..to make it worse..she wore contacts..really hope its nothing serious..am really worried about that..so probably that was the only blip in an otherwise good day..i have to add..on the way to the semis..we beat a team from malaysia as well as NTU and NYP...(ntu n nyp are ranked 2nd and 3rd in the inter-varsity games tournaments..NP's 4th at best i thnk..)..and better yet..my team was made up fully of freshies..cudos to my team-mates: muhd. (darnoe hw to spell la =x)..played a real good game as right winger..yu xun for supplying me with really good passes and boon tat for his 90% defensive effort (he was last-man through out the whole thing except for little breaks here and there)..so yeah..looking forward to the next carnival..will hopefully link up with this 3 again..see how far we can go next time around

monday was a scrappy day..went to school and slept..was damn tired and couldnt pay attention during lectures (FS & IMMF)..thankfully both were relatively easy..PSP tutorial was cancelled so i left school early..went to ming yao's house before heading back to school for french...am trying hard to focus on just a single person now but i find that i'm slapping myself (not literally) to concentrate on just HER..but its a bit hard-going every monday...hah.. -slaps self again- sent geraldine home after french class coz it was on the way..so yeah..nothing much to it..at least i hope so..if anyone wants to know..she's in ech..kinda cute and quite a nice person to be with..gives you that sense of comfort but wells..i dunno..but i'll be damn honest..if she ever feels anything..who knows? i cant predict this sorta stuff so yeah..will just take it as it comes..looking forward to wed..should get at least 2 of my 4 results back..hopefully i'd get my targeted 1 A 2 Bs and C (or better..cause stats is a weird module..)..oh wells.. -shrugs- marilyn.geraldine.marilyn.geraldine.hah..
-slaps self again-

dyls- hope ya feeling alrite..gimme a call or smthng if u need

saturday morning cant concentrate on csa.have absolutely no interest in studying it.hah.am just looking forword to sunday's floorball carnival..i think i'm letting personal stuff affect my studies..which obviously isnt good..turned to chinx for advice just now..guess she's right..some things just need time to be sorted out..am worried for marilyn..seems like she needs help but she refuses to talk about whats bugging her..so i'm feeling kinda useless now..and wells.. -shrugs- who am i to ask that she tell me everything? absolutely noone..and its times like this you'd wish you'd knew everything the person felt,everything the person is thinking about and every little problem there is..to be able to solve everything yet knowing you're unable to do so..what a terrible way to get by.. -sigh- last paper's at 11..after that i'm off to sentosa for bsc's "games day"...so my whole weekend's booked..

sean & dre - happy birthday kiddos
chinx- blah.pain pain pain =\

wednesday FS went ok...can get my targeted B- i think..cant say the same for PSP1 though..bah..messed up the last section worth 35%...probably get a B+ or A-...optimistic eh? =\

FA charge Pompey boss Redknapp


Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp has been charged by the FA with using foul and and or abusive language to an official.

Harry Redknapp is sent-off at Molineux (StuForster/GettyImages)

The Pompey boss was sent to the stands by referee Andy D'Urso in Saturday's 0-0 draw with Wolves after complaining to fourth official Lee Cable about a series of bookings.


It was Redknapp's first dismissal in his long managerial career and he now has 14 days to respond.

If found guilty, the former West Ham manager could be fined or handed a touchline ban.

'It's the first time I've been sent to the stand in 25 years,' he said afterwards.

'I just questioned the referee's overall performance which I thought was inept.

'Every game I see this season has seven or eight bookings. I think it's frightening - if you have that many bookings you would think it had been a war.

'If it carries on like this we're going to end up with no squad in a month's time because they will all be suspended.'




note- i had a good laugh with the last line..hehe