having been vegetarian for 1.5 weeks (would have been able to claim the vegan title if i did not give in to amazing donuts from DC!!)
the thought of eating meat feels really strange and cruel now
sometimes it makes me really angry when i ask people "why won't you go vegetarian?" and they tell me things like they love meat too much!! because!! idk how to justify taking one's life to satisfy another it just doesn't make sense. but then i've to remind myself that it's not their fault because food production processes are so far removed from the consumption experience and no one really thinks about how they're getting the food they eat. and even if they want to it's hidden away from them. neither do people think about the (un)sustainability of it all. sigh.
then again i am against imposing one's beliefs onto others (despite how true one might perceive it to be) so my current stance towards this is: eat less meat!! being too uptight about it forces people away anyway, and one thing i'm glad about is that my veganism experiment is at least starting some conversations with people and getting them to be more aware of such issues! managed to get a friend to go on a no-added-sugar diet too (she rejected veganism and i proposed a health diet) haha i'm so glad!
also am immensely grateful to thaddeus who was the first person to agree going on a vegan diet hahaha idk why he did that but he did. he was actually the first person i asked and his quick 'yes' encouraged me to start on this project and was in no way representative for the slew of 'no's i would receive from almost everyone else i asked LOL. also grateful for xueying and turtle! thanks turtle for trying to understand the things i feel strongly about (global/public health, some parts of food sustainability haha) and for agreeing to things i know you would never agree to if I wasn't the one asking. turtle still doesn't know about this place btw haha but i guess he doesn't have to~
one more month till this program is over!! will be damn sad to take lessons back in NUS but also glad because at least it will force me to study and learn things instead of slacking away all my time cos nothing's graded. also ready to go back home and revel in love and warmth of family and friends and turtle and cat hehehe finally the end of 1.5 years ldr that started 2 months after we got tgt LOL i can't wait!!
not very excited, dreading what's to come in fact because:

1. too many deadlines and things to catch up (had too much fun during the weeks before spring break)
2. csharp clique has dissolved and broken up; james and i got mad at each other (ohgawddd seriously i can't even be bothered with this anymore because this guy is so damn bloody immature and i can't believe i have to deal with friendship drama here in yale

Reminds me of my grandma
Of that estate and the days when I would spend an hour walking from my house to hers
Of carefree days when I walked around Singapore, exploring

There's something about this city that's different from the other U.S. cities I've visited
New York, Boston, Chicago
(like, duh)
Half the time I feel like I'm walking in Singapore Zoo
The other half
Idk, it's just an amalgamation of many many things
Colorful houses with individual flavor ranging a wide spectrum of architectural styles
The streetcars and the shouting passengers and the dangerous spark that goes off every now and then
A community and culture that has grown independently within its own bubble

I've spent the past 2 days walking
And walking
A lot
Literally just walking down streets aimlessly
Because I love walking and I love sun
Bbecause I haven't had the chance to do this since forever
In Singapore I would not have been able to do this without thinking: 1) I'm wasting time 2) I can be spending my time mugging to get a better grade 3) I can be sitting down catching up with someone or hanging out with turtleboy

Yes I actually do enjoy the way the sunrays grill my skin
And the heat and the sweat
Being away from home has only made me more aware of who I am and where I come from haha never have I seen myself as so Asian, so Singaporean, so tropical, so citygurl

Also I must mention how immensely grateful I am to Zihan for having me over
For letting me sleep on the bed (while she sleeps on the floor?!?!?!?) for letting me use her towel for being always so concerned about what I'm doing for letting me use her meal credits - and I'm sure there are many more
Didn't really talk to her much during np, neither did we talk in those years after we graduated
So being received with such kindness really makes me feel very blessed
It's also nice hanging out too
There is something about old friends that makes you feel unjudged, and more comfortable

Exchange is ending in 2 months

While I'm really sad to be leaving yale
My inconsequential (gradewise) and hence carefree slacker life
The classes that I'm obviously more interested in
And the friends I've come to love and will dearly miss

I'm also looking forward to home
and turtle

I guess if there's one thing about being in a romantic relationship
Is the sense of home that the other person brings
People might say that it restricts, constrains, binds
And it does make you feel so horrible when you're away from the person
But I've never ever been so happy to return home, to anyone, before I was in a turtleship
(Sorry mom sorry dad but yeah I never really missed you guys that much when I was away, even though I really really do love you guys LOL)
And it's a feeling I can't really put into words
Maybe I'll have regrets for not chasing crazy independent dreams
But I think I'll die equally happy in his arms
And who says we can't chase those crazy independent dreams anyway
once i get back to singapore
IM GONNA EAT ALL THE ASIAN FOOD I MISS SO BADLY
ohgod i am so sick of dining hall food ughhhjxmkeqope
and it's such a waste of money because most of the time i just spam spinach leaves and tofu and random small pieces of meat sigh


sometimes i just wanna unfriend everyone and let everyone know how pissed off i am
and that time is now
sometimes i really feel like i've no right to complain
when the world has bigger problems
but right now i only feel like curling under my duvet the whole day

my soul is tired
from people complaining from politics from everything happening around me

realized instagram is a damn bloody biased representation
i look so happy there
super ironic, because
i had to take a selfie-video of myself skiing because i forgot to get risa to sign up with me so i made a new friend and she was so unadventurous she stopped skiing after the instructor left and half the time i actually felt kind of sad to be skiing alone and climbing up the slope alone and when i took that video to send turtle i really wished to have someone to ski with
before we sang by the streets we actually had a 'secret' rehearsal and james brought up stupid politics stuff again and honestly i hate how politics because can't we just sing and enjoy singing?? sometimes i hate the performing arts because it's the PERFORMING arts and everyone in there likes to perform and i think i'm one of the rare souls who hate it. honestly i don't care for a solo or a spot in front/center, i mean i will be happy if you give it to me because i'm glad my abilities are affirmed, but i get as happy if you praise me. which makes me feel kind of out of place sometimes because these people really want to do their solo and i'm like 'it's okay i don't have to sing my piece yknow' and they give me this incredulous look and be like 'lulz you are lying'
between every photo are undocumented photoless moments when negative feelings exist.

which is why i decided to start blogging again, i guess
because as much as i like to remember happy moments
these down and blue days are as significant to my entire exchange experience
and life, in general

yaynay


1. It is important to remember that every person apply themselves to the world differently, in every single way - their values, their beliefs, their purpose, their passions. I've always searched for meaning, to contribute back to this world that I've so much luck to enjoy and grow in, which has led me to what I study. I question what I study a lot. Which means I question what others study a lot too. And sometimes it's hard to see the value behind certain fields, and it's easy to judge certain majors for being indulgent and selfish. But listening to my professor from Physics of Dance speak about particle physics and its relation to the world helped me to believe that there might just be a place for everything in the world (idk about wall street and bankers though), and once again made me realize how little I know, the importance of humility and having an open mind and yeah.
2. I think I'm fine with turtle. That doesn't sound like a positive statement, but it is! After all this while I think I've still been comparing him to the standards of my type of ideal boyfriend, but I think I'm slowly starting to fully accept that he won't be that and it's okay. Because no one's perfect. This week's friendship saga showed me that Yale students can be incredibly smart, but superbly immature. Sometimes I feel that people's moves are so extremely calculated, and they kind of see through each other all the time idk it makes me feel uncomfortable because - can't we just accept someone's statement for what it is? Do we need to think so much about it? I miss singapore I miss friends I miss the sense of togetherness. I dislike how Yale students maximize their commitments but reduce each commitment to the minimum. I dislike how punctuality means being less than 10minutes late. I dislike how encouraging everyone is on the outside, but secretly judges. I dislike how the first thought that comes to mind when someone sings out of tune is to kick him out of the group, not to help him get it right!!! I dislike how transactional friendships can feel sometimes. Recently I had to make it clear to someone that I was helping him because I AM HIS FRIEND, not because I want him to stay on as music director or anything else. I just felt really insulted and hurt and OKAY THIS IS STARTING TO GET RANTY BUT YEAH I MISS MY FRIENDS.
3. People are more than who they appear to be. Just because they don't mention their troubles doesn't mean they don't have them, because some things are just...less easily shared. Hate it when people make general statements about things hahaha so annoying.